Explore how mother-in-law dynamics play a pivotal role in marital infidelity and its complex emotional impacts. Uncover insights into family influences on relationships.
By Sarah P.
On a message board, Kaitlyn said, “We had been married 10 years, [had a] couple of kids… and my mother-in-law just tossed that aside when my husband started having an affair with a woman from work. My husband and I are currently working on our relationship. I still can’t believe that my mother-in-law became friends with the other woman and bad-mouthed me to her!”
In the past, I have written a lot of articles that have focused either on a married couple or on the love triangle that has been created by the other woman’s involvement. But, have you ever stopped to think that your mother-in-law was the first woman in your cheating husband’s life? For any betrayed men reading this, the same dynamic can absolutely hold true between you and your father-in-law.
For the sake of brevity, I will be using the scenario of a betrayed wife. I will be discussing the affair in terms of enmeshment with the opposite sex parent. But, I will also be discussing how family ties and involvement can add an extra layer of complexity. This sometimes causes more damage to the marriage.
Anytime an affair occurs and the extended family finds out, family members consciously or unconsciously choose sides. What’s worse is that some parents see this an opportunity to actively break up a marriage. Other parents see this as a time to enable their own offending child’s behavior. This is true especially if that child/adult man was the golden child who could do no wrong.
The Original Love Triangle: Mother-In-Law’s Role
First, I want to address what I refer to as the original love triangle. Some mothers don’t receive what they need from their spouses and so one unhealthy reaction is for these women to turn their sons into a surrogate husband.
This is a type of emotional incest and everyone loses. It’s easy to spot this type of mother-in-law. She will tell you that no woman has ever been good enough for her son and that she knows best. She sees her son’s wife as the opponent, above all else. If a son doesn’t set boundaries, then the marriage will be rocky. Thus, when a man is too close to his mother and relies on her above and beyond his reliance on his wife, a love-triangle has been established.
Enmeshment and Marital Strife
But, here is the important part: men who are enmeshed with their mommas can subconsciously view their own wives as ‘the other woman’ and therefore have less respect for their wives. But, the kicker is that some men actually cheat in order to break the emotional ties with their wives, since that emotional tie is interfering with their bonds with mom, who is the first woman. A man does not do this consciously, but it serves to show their mothers that they are still number one.
Mary Jo Rapini, a licensed family therapist, uncovers a reason for conflict, even in so-called ‘normal’ families.
“In a marriage, part of the reason there is a tension between the daughter-in-law and mom is based on competition to nurture the same man. Since mom was the first nurturer, she has to step back and allow her daughter-in-law to step forward and take over primary nurturing. Sons have a history with their moms as the first women who ever loved them. This love is strong and complicated, because moms want the best for their sons.” (1)
Mother-In-Law Influence in Marital Infidelity: Narcissistic Traits
A mom wanting the best for a son is understandable, but what happens when your husband’s mom also has narcissistic traits or (gasp) is a full-blown narcissist. Therapist Michelle Piper knows what a wife is in for when a mother-in-law is a narcissist:
“She may see you as competition, vying for control over her child’s love, loyalty and attention. Narcissistic mother-in-laws are bragging, nagging, intruding, competitive, and defeating people. The boundary-less relationship she likely had with her child is now tarnished because you’ve come into the picture and taken her narcissistic supply away. From the narcissistic mother-in-law’s perspective, “giving away” her child to be with an adult partner isn’t an option. If that child was her mirror or golden child, the perceived loss can be excruciating to the narcissistic mother-in-law and she’ll feel threatened.” (2)
In places like Italy, this attitude is magnified 100 fold, where the mothers of sons cry at weddings because they are literally devastated that they have lost their sons to another woman. These feelings can create quite an emotional ‘love triangle’ between son, wife, and mother.
Cultural Perspectives and Personal Observations
I have several Italian friends (who live in Italy) and I have observed this phenomenon personally. One man, who is like a big brother to me, has never gotten married even after the death of his mother. The hold that his mom has on him continues to this day and as a result he sabotages his own relationships.
Just as his mother told him, no woman is good enough for him and so he goes from one relationship to another. While this could be expected for someone in his early 20’s (who is still learning) to do, this gentleman is in his early 50’s. His case is certainly an extreme scenario, but the dynamic that was established by momma continues as evidenced by his actions over the past 30 years.
The Family Divide and Its Impact on Infidelity
Sometimes a couple decides to keep the knowledge of an affair between them, but other times they decide to tell a trusted family member. The only problem is that even a trusted family member can broadcast the news to the rest of the family. Much of the time, it is not done with a malicious intent, but the result of the telling others about the affair has reverberating consequences for everyone.
These consequences become devastating when family members with a malicious intent learn the news. Families become divided into three areas:
- The family members who support the marriage
- The family members that want the marriage to end
- The go-betweens, who believe they are neutral parties trying to work everything out for everyone
It might sound helpful to have neutral family members talking to everyone, but when you see how it looks in reality, you can easily visualize how it could turn out badly. Here is a chart to illustrate it in its most basic form:
Understanding Family Dynamics in Marital Infidelity
This kind of dynamic is called triangulation because instead of family member A talking to family member C, you have family member B getting in the middle of it all where he or she does not belong. Yet, this is the communication dynamic that is most beloved in the United States.
Many of us are not skilled at communicating with those who have opposing views in ways that are constructive or in ways that lead to mutual understanding. So, an intermediary is a welcome thought. However, an intermediary adds a layer of interpretation on top of it all and has to rely on their memory of what the other party said.
Even though intermediaries have the best intentions, what usually results is a family feud. Feelings are hurt and silence can endure for several generations. Family intermediaries are never going to be neutral since neutrality is simply not possible. This is why most people are told to go to a real neutral third party with no stake in the family, such as a therapist.
Taking Sides
Then, there are the sides that family members take. For example, if your husband cheated and if you were the wife who was never ‘good enough’ by his parent’s standards, then his parents will likely take his side and place the blame on you. They will bring out a whole laundry list of complaints that point to you not being good enough and then try to frame your husband as the victim.
If you and your husband were to try to work it out and if his parents had taken his side, it will likely be challenging to work it out because of the hurt feelings involved. There are things others cannot take back and you will always know where his parents stand. This could create a further rift or at least a major roadblock to healing.
The worst part is that after you have restored your marriage and have come out stronger, you have lost trust in others and bitterness often remains on the part of those who sided against you.
Case Study: The Influence of Mother-In-Law in Marital Strife
Now, I want to analyze how such a fiasco can play out in real life. I will use the story of Anna and Josh Duggar as an example since their marriage is familiar to even those of us, like me, who do not watch the show. Granted, this is an extreme case since Josh molested young female family members, had a mistress, and had intimate contact with prostitutes. (Did he pay them with the money he made off the show? One wonders…)
In this situation Josh’s parents and several sisters have sided with Josh and asked everyone to offer forgiveness to Josh. On the other hand, Anna’s brother has offered Anna money and a place to live so that she could move forward with a divorce and be free of Josh once and for all. Josh has gone to rehab for sexual addiction and Anna has stood by his side.
Predictions and Character Analysis
I am going to make the prediction that Anna will continue to stand by her man and they will (try to) work it out. But, I will also make the prediction that Josh is so broken that it will be a matter of time before he relapses. I personally believe that Josh has both narcissistic and sociopathic character traits based on his actions.
A controversial thought: Even though I am a God-loving and God-fearing woman, I believe that Christian doctrine is being used against Anna by the Duggars in a way that is harmful.
The Misuse of Christian Doctrine
Christianity is being used to excuse continued harmful actions and levels of hypocrisy that are enough to make your head spin. Josh’s parents have money and their reputation at stake because of their show and it is very convenient to use Christian doctrine in a way that allows Josh to remain unchallenged.
I personally believe that Anna is experiencing spiritual abuse at the hands of the Duggars. After all, most young, Christian women are going to find it hard to argue with Jesus’s example of turning the other cheek. These same women are also going to find it hard to argue with the idea of offering others constant forgiveness since Jesus died for our sins.
Let’s face it, the things that others do to harm us pale in comparison to what Jesus went through and to what others did to him. Right?… or so the thinking goes. But, what Jesus went through really has nothing to do with holding others accountable for their continued and harmful actions. You see it does no good to enable another’s harmful actions by pulling out the Jesus card.
Trauma and Its Consequences
When actions are enabled and when Christianity is used to excuse such actions, it really is a type of spiritual abuse. Anna will never be validated in her pain because she will be told a good Christian woman forgives. When Josh does it again, which he will, he will again be excused by many of the Christians around him.
When his parents keep excusing him and using the forgiveness card, Anna is caught in a double bind. If she forgives, she swallows her pain and no one honors, acknowledges, or witnesses the trauma that she has been through. But, if she speaks up, there is no way she will find any sympathy from the Duggars because they will not even acknowledge her trauma. They will pull out the forgiveness card.
But, the problem with trauma is that trauma always finds a voice. That is a phrase I coined after doing a lot of work on the topic of recovery from severe trauma. The idea is that if someone experiences trauma and tries to suppress it, the trauma will find a way to make itself ‘heard’ through self-destructive actions on the part of the person who experienced the trauma.
He or she might turn to alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, cutting, gambling, reckless behavior, or other self-sabotaging/punishing behaviors when asked to silence her trauma. When trauma is not acknowledged, people are forced to turn their anger inward. As a result, they find ways to take their anger out on themselves. (If a light bulb just went off for you, please talk to others about the pain you are suppressing. Leave me a comment below so that you can have a voice, even if it’s on this blog.)
Spiritual Abuse and Marital Infidelity: A Personal Account
Now, I wanted to provide a more personal example of spiritual abuse that involved an affair. I actually started writing an article about it way back, but ended up discarding it. I did not want to offend all of you great women and men who loyally follow this blog. But, this message about using religion to excuse infidelity needs to be heard.
I have a friend named ‘Bella’ who is retired from her performance career. Bella seemed to have it all: a handsome husband, successful children, a great community of supporters from her church, and a million dollar home. Bella was, and is, an insanely talented woman with large, expressive green eyes, and an incredible singing voice.
Two years ago she confided in me that her husband was actively having an affair with his female business partner. He refused to break it off. The business partner had already divorced her own husband due to the affair. Bella and her husband had been receiving therapy from their male pastor at church. Bella told me that she wanted to be a good, Christian wife and continue to support her husband even though he refused to break off his affair.
The Dilemma of Faith and Fidelity
You see, her (male) pastor had told her that it was against the Bible to seek a divorce. When she told me this, I physically just about fell off my chair.
Then, I proceeded to tell her that there is not anything I could reference in the Bible that specifically advises a woman to stay with a husband who continues to commit adultery. Then, I reminded her that we have a commandment against adultery.
Since he was actively continuing to commit adultery and break a commandment, I told her that this fact should (spiritually speaking) render her marriage null and void. Most importantly, I told her that as long as she allows his behavior, she is technically participating in helping someone break a commandment.
A Realization and the Path Forward
I saw the light bulb moment as she realized that her husband and her male pastor had duped her. She realized it was no longer her sole responsibility to keep her marriage together. But, most importantly, if she wanted to be a good Christian, she did not have to participate in breaking a commandment.
She ended up giving him an ultimatum and telling him to make a choice. Unfortunately, her husband was one of the rare cases where a man chooses his mistress. After their divorce she confided that he had affairs during almost their entire marriage. She chose to ignore it, hoping it would go away. So, it made sense that he would leave.
Her husband was not your average good guy who just made a mistake. He was literally incapable of being monogamous and he had been incapable for years. In my mind, she was wise to let him go. As they say, when a person tells you who they are (based on his continued actions), it is wise to believe him.
He had told her during their entire marriage he was incapable of monogamy and needed female ‘friends’ to be happy. But she wanted to be a good wife and simply hoped and prayed it would go away. She also chose not to tell her adult children because she did not want to damage their relationship with their dad. She is a much better woman than I could ever be.
The Importance of Independent Judgment
They divorced and Bella is doing well these days with the help of a therapist. She has come to realize that her ex-husband meets the criteria for narcissism.
To summarize, her pastor was like an enabling family member and he used Christianity to enable bad behavior and narcissism. Bella was caught in the double bind of being a good Christian woman (or not) based on inaccurate interpretations of Christianity. The takeaway here is that even people in positions of authority can be wrong. Don’t put too much weight on the opinions of family members. Always check your assumptions with a qualified therapist who has no stake in the situation.
In Summary: Navigating Marital Infidelity and Family Dynamics
When an affair occurs, sharing it with your extended family may not be a wise choice. Some family members really are great people and will want to support your marriage and help both of you recover. But, just as often, you will find many who will use this as an opportunity to break up your marriage. They will make your cheating spouse the victim of you, the betrayed spouse, which is ludicrous. The most vicious family members will enable your cheating spouse and validate his affair.
Finally, don’t allow yourself to get caught in the trap of spiritual abuse. You are not being a “good, Christian woman” by using Christian rhetoric to help your spouse cover his sins. Also, realize that no one is an authority on your marriage except for you. You need to do what is best for you and you always need to make your own decisions. Accept wise counsel from others, but do not allow others to tell you what you ‘should’ do in the end.
I will leave you with these wise words from clinical psychiatrist, Dr. Scott Haltzman:
Part of being human and living in society is the capacity to control instincts, and not have them control us.” (3)
So, no matter which way you slice it, affairs are never justifiable. Therefore, don’t swallow your pain when family members, close friends, or pastors attempt to invalidate you by supporting your spouse’s affair.
Sources:
Rapini, Mary J., Guys, Your Mother Can Destroy Your Marriage, June 9, 2013, from http://blog.chron.com/loveandrelationships/2013/06/guys-your-mother-can-destroy-your-marriage/
Piper, Michelle, Narcissistic Mother In Law, from http://www.narcissisticmother.com/narcissistic-mother-in-law
Haltzman, Dr. Scott, Infidelity and How It Affects Marriage, Children, and Families, from https://thedianerehmshow.org/shows/2013-06-10/infidelity-and-how-it-affects-marriage-children-and-families
61 replies to "Mother Knows Best – Don’t let your in-laws prevent you from healing from the affair."
This article was helpful to me. I’ve not posted in a long time — my H and I are doing better — but this article describes my MIL nicely. When my H called to tell her he’d had an EA (with some physical activity, agh), unbeknownst to her I was in the room listening. She immediately excused his behavior by telling him that I had “not always made it easy” on him and that because I’m “attractive” (her word) and travel a lot, that I’d probably done the same thing, so he shouldn’t worry about it. Just as this article says, he and his brother can do no wrong, so everything had to be my fault somehow. It took her four months to realize she’d said something offensive. And she only apologized in the end because my H went NC with *her* for those four months. She still kept saying things behind my back — for example, six months after D-Day she told him that I was taking too long to forgive him, women in her generation just “got on with it,” and that if I couldn’t forgive him then I’m not a good person anyway. Not once did she ever say to my H that he shouldn’t have done what he did. It has damaged our relationship to this day. I don’t trust her any further than I can throw her. And since she’s quite overweight, that’s not very far. 🙁
One thing I do struggle with is forgiveness. My religion says I must forgive. But I also feel my relationship with her — and, honestly, with my H — is forever damaged. I would never confide in her about anything, and I won’t ever trust my H as I once did. I guess I’m just not sure what forgiveness would look like.
Carol
I am just reading an amazing book on that very subject…..recommended by my therapist.
WHEN SORRY ISN’T ENOUGH
By Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas
It’s been really helpful in understanding a little bit better what forgiveness would look like.
Thanks so much, SI. I’ll check out that book. Sounds like you have a good therapist!
Hi Carol. Sorry you had to overhear your MIL.
It only adds to the affair and makes it harder to deal with.
My therapist always told me that forgiveness is a challenging concept but it is not letting the person off the hook for their choices or behavior. It is not just being a doormat.
Forgiveness is for the wronged. It is to enable you to forget the wrong that hurt or damaged you. Once you can forgive and accept the behavior that occurred you will feel differently toward the offender.
You are not excusing the behavior but you are moving past it. You are freeing yourself from the relationship. Now that you know how your MIL really thinks and feels you have adjusted your interaction. Good for you. She is a person in your life (unfortunately). Same as the cashier in the grocery store or the person delivering your packages. And that is how you will treat her.
I say this b/c my MIL despised me. Did everything she could to turn others against me, hated me, etc. I had no contact with her for years and years b/c my H wouldn’t tolerate her behavior. I forgave her a long time ago b/c I realized she didn’t like herself and was incapable of liking anyone else. She had this pattern with many many people including other DIL and SILs.
It took me a long time to forgive my H for his affair. Years now. But when I realized I was past it and over it I felt a huge weight lifted.
I think you can get there with your H. And MIL. You will never have the same relationship with either one. Things have changed. BUT you can define a new one with MIL that you can live with. If you talk to her once a year then that is ok. You can be polite and tolerate her for the sake of family if you can move past her behavior and insults.
When my MIL passed away I felt sorry that no one ever stood up to her and told her to stop ruining the family. My H went to the funeral out of respect – she was mean to my H too.
Don’t let her ruin you or your life. You can quietly exclude her and see her IF you choose. And if you choose not to then your family has to understand.
It is just crazy that a parent would support a cheating child and think that choice was oK. Sounds like she is very jealous of you.
How sad. I think you can work towards forgiving her for your own peace of mind. I hope it happens for you someday.
Hello TheFirstWife,
You must have posted your comment at the same time as mine. 🙂 I “second” what you have to say! Such great advice!
Thank you. Years of therapy helped me understand forgiveness. I always thought that if you forgave someone you were saying it was “ok” for them to do what they did.
It really is not that at all. And that is what I needed to learn.
I think forgiveness helps with the residual anger you can have after an affair. It did for me v
I “second” that as well. I had to forgive someone who had an affair on me and I could only forgive once I realized that forgiveness would bring me peace. Otherwise, I would go over and over it, get angry and fearful, and then that would impact my life and trust of others. I remember when I forgave it was freeing. On the other hand, I no longer speak to this person and never will. Once again, forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to either forget the incident or stay in an unwise situation. The circumstances that surrounded the affair (in my case) were so egregious that there was no reason to rebuild or really anything to rebuild upon. So, that is the paradox– I let go of the pain during forgiveness because forgiveness helped me (but I did not forget). And because forgiveness is not and never was for him, he and I getting back together was dealt with as a separate issue. There was no way I would go back. He has burned every potential bridge in this lifetime at least. It would have been terrible to go back because I found out there were several other women. He really was a bad person who presented a charming face to the world. Whereas I would say most men are deep down good guys who just find themselves in an affair. There you can rebuild, but with my ex there was nothing to rebuild. After I did not go back, he ended up marrying his last affair partner.
PS-
Most men don’t end up marrying their affair partners. It’s like less than 1% of all men who have affairs actually marry a mistress. In my personal experience the few men I have known to do this would meet the clinical criteria for narcissism. (Eg. They are terrible life partners and selfish people).
Well said Sarah P.
And I bet he has cheated on her too. So sad.
Thanks, TFW. This is very helpful. And you’ve hit the nail on the head: for me, the question is always how much I have to restore the relationship in order to forgive. It sounds like the point is letting go of anger, not necessarily restoring things (not that I had a very close relationship with my MIL before; you’re right — she’s very jealous of anything & anyone that takes attention away from her).
Your MIL sounds as if she poisoned her own life. I guess you do reap what you sow.
Best to you —
My MIL was so crazy that when my H called to tell her about her first grandchild she slammed the phone down and yelled to my FIL about the fact that the baby was adopted. She never asked about him or saw him. Ever.
How sad. My H was crushed by it. Here is good news and you can’t even get excited over a baby.
Whoa. That’s terrible.
It actually is ok b/c I was not subjected to her cruel rants and mean behavior. My H walked away from her and we had little contact. By the time our son was born they had moved away and there was no contact with her.
I am lucky b/c other DIL and SIL were subjected to her all those years, especially those that lived near by. How sad.
Hi Carol,
Here is a gem:
“Forgive others nit because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.”
I do practice Christian values (not Christian dogma). What I have learned is that:
1) Forgiveness is for you, not for the other person or spouse
2) Forgiveness does not mean forgetting
3) Forgiveness does not mean that you are giving permission to your spouse to transgress
On the other hand, forgiveness means:
1) Holding your spouse accountable for his actions, while letting go of the anger
2) Holding your spouse accountable to your marriage
3) Giving your spouse the parameters through which he must restore trust with you. It is his job to restore trust and he does this by BEING a trustworthy person in his behavior.
Many Blessings,
Sarah
Thanks, Sarah P. My H is doing better — but I’m realizing his ADHD (just diagnosed, but clearly there for a long time) has really impacted my ability to trust him (because he forgets half of what I say, and doesn’t do half of what he says he’ll do). Agh. Holding him accountable while letting go of anger — that is indeed the trick.
Interesting post, thank you. I am just starting to realize the impact my husband’s upbringing and relationship with his parents has on his behavior and decisions. I would not say his parents are mean or do anything at all directly to me. It is different but all about control. It has been an issue since day one. It was always turned on me by my husband saying but they love you, I can’t not include them, I need to take care of them they took care of me. I could go on and on. If I did not want to include them or do something with them I was the problem.
My therapist is shocked at the dynamic, control and behavior he has heard that goes on in their family. It is a major struggle for me. I am not sure how to deal with this with my husband.
Hello Hopeful,
I don’t know enough about the situation but I am going to guess that your husband is struggling with a profound enmeshment between him and his parents. For whatever reason, his parents want to be enmeshed with him and they use control and then extreme guilt (if the control does not work). I would assume if anyone were to point out this unhealthy dynamic they would be “guilted to death” by him and his parents. This relationship with his parents does impact the reason he had an affair, though I don’t have enough info to know the specific reasons. So sorry that you are caught in the dynamic. If you can, I would recommend setting boundaries around his parents involvement. But he needs to enforce the boundaries. Some men are not comfortable doing so but when they don’t, their marriage is slowly destroyed from within. I don’t know if you are religious but I will say both Christianity and Judaism dictate that people “leave and cleave” when they get married. Notice in the Bible that they specifically say “a man cleaves to his wife”. A man and his wife need to be one in flesh, in spirit, and in how they live their lives together. If they are not one in this way, the marriage corrodes from within. Your husband’s parents need to live their own lives and have control over themselves and their own domain, not yours. I sincerely hope that you can help you understand that you two need to stand together. One last thought — if a man’s parents have always controlled his life and he cannot say “no”, an affair becomes the only thing in his life that he can control. (This is how it seems to a man at least, that he can control the affair, but really the affair ends up controlling him). Many blessings to you.
Sarah p,
Thank you for your reply. I hate to go into the long explanation of our bg. We are not religious but thank you for those insights.
And ours involvement is not direct but lots of layers. My husband never sees the control or manipulation. He is one who avoids and becomes introverted. That is how he dealt with disappointment or anything growing up. So it is like an light bulb going off. When things got hard for him he escaped. Affairs, alcohol, friends anything to avoid.
He has made strides in many ways but I always have to point out that he has zero boundaries with his parents. It is like he cannot see it. He does not seek them out but if they want to go to dinner with us or come on a vacation with us he says he cannot tell them no after all they have done for him. It goes on and on.
We have been together for 25 years and he had two affairs spanning over 10 years. One as sporadic the other slightly more involved. Some online im’ing activity and what I think is overuse of porn. We are still getting to that. We are over a year past dday 1.
we have made great progress and our marriage is in a really good place. But as time passes I see that it really is all him. My husband is a mental health professional and his parents are too. Ironic! Well I see a therapist on my own who is great. But my husband would not go with me. He felt he had enough insight. Well honestly I go to therapy every month and we talk about what I need to address with my husband and about his issues. I have told my husband that I am in martial therapy alone. He has volunteered to read books but that is very slow going and on his time table. He struggles with reading the books and when he talks to me he tears up and is on the verge of crying. I think it is finally sinking in the impact of what he has done. So in a naive way I thought we were progressing which we did but I thought it was about me moving forward and getting over the pain. I had no idea that we were just starting and really it is about him. The dynamics of his parents is all coming out and things make sense now. What I am coming to grips with is he has to work at this and I cannot do that do him. I am not sure how we can get past this parent thing. In a way I wish I could tell him what he did. I know that would hit them hard. And would be a point to move from but I think if I did that it would drive a huge wedge between my husband and me.
Hopeful – what a tangled web. Lies, deception, unaddressed issues from childhood, parent issues, etc.
Even more complicated by the fact that he is a mental health professional who does not follow his own advice.
I strongly suggest you not involve his parents in any way my fear is they will use their son’s poor choices and affsirs against you.
You don’t need that aggravation.
Sorry for what you’re going through, Hopeful. I agree with TFW. I naively told my H he had to tell his parents what he’d done — I thought this would hold him accountable, that they’d be sorry he’d jeopardized our family, etc. Nope. Instantly, easily, totally my MIL blamed the whole thing on me and excused him. My FIL never once said anything to stop her, never told my H he’d done wrong, and neither of them ever said one supportive word to me. I guess the silver lining is that I realized why my H was the way he was — why he thought only of himself, why he had no self-control, why he indulged his whims: he’d never been held accountable for anything by them, and he still isn’t. My H, to his credit, was horrified by their reaction. He hasn’t felt the same about them since.
Sorry to rattle on: long story short? You probably won’t get support from your in-laws, sadly.
Yes I agree it makes sense to keep it between us. And also he was the one that brought up how much he felt similar to tiger woods in the recent ESPN article. Did anyone else read it? Good insight but I am sort of overwhelmed by I. A lot connected with his dad and his identity as an athlete. Yikes lots of similarities. And I feel like my husband will do anything for his dad. I am glad my therapist is there for me. I want to blurt all this out to my husband but best to think it through. I really question our future when I see what is going on here. He has made amazing and dramatic transformations yet this new aspect I am seeing and his refusal to go to therapy alone or with me is my concern. He says all the right things and gets it. But it never goes over well when I tell him he has boundary issues with his parents especially his dad.
Also it is crazy that he never took one class on marriage etc. there were classes on relationships but nothing specific to marriage or primary relationships. After 8 years of school. Crazy! Now he slowly reads some books. It is so hard to feel like things are going well but along the way so much more is uncovered.
Hi Hopeful
I am about almost 3 years from DDay 1 and about 2 1/2 years from Dday2. And 20 years from a 4 year EA my H had. I suspected the first EAS but he denied it all and then admitted it to the last AP and she then told me.
Background- my H had a classic mid life crisis that led to his affair that almost led to our divorce. He turned 50 and he was unhappy for awhile (job stress, dissatisfaction etc).
He has never gone to therapy. I went for years and it helped tremendously.
He lied about every aspect of the affair. I would literally tell him facts like you pursued her, you made it happen, you asked for divorce blah blah blah. I found this out via emails the OW sent me. All 300 of them.
And I am glad she did b/c he was lying about everything in his misguided attempt to save our marriage or cover his butt, depending upon what you want to believe.
We have been together 33 yrs married 28 this year. When he would not want to answer a question he would stonewall or gaslight. I would ask him to please tell me if you will be home late. Never did it. He golfed and played basketball and weekend golf trips and I was ok with all of it. Great dad and loving H and treated me well.
Until the last affair. And then my eyes were opened as to what a liar and Chester he became and how quickly I was going to be kicked to the curb for a 29 yo tattooed drama queen psycho girl that has some serious problems.
My H thought he could fix our marriage with no professional help for him. He read some articles on what he needed to do and I was impressed at how hard he was working the first 3 weeks after DDay2. And I believed it all.
And I asked questions about details and planned to stop that quickly once I was satisfied I knew all I needed to know. Until I found out a month later he was still lying to cover himself.
And that behavior continued. For years.
My point is that therapy saved my sanity. I wish I would not have spent the last 3 years being disappointed when I would find out he lied about some aspect of the affair. It is typical behavior based on everything I read here. They all do it.
Most cheaters do not go to therapy. Too painful. They may have to come to grips with what they did – perish the thought.
I went to therapy expecting to focus on our marriage. I ended up focusing on myself. And saving my sanity.
You cannot change people. Hard to acknowledge but it is true. But you can change your reaction to your H’s behavior. And that can save your sanity.
You question your marriage and its sustainability. We all do. My guess is the BS does most of the work to keep the marriage going and repair it. Until you no longer have the strength or things change and you can accept the small changes or you walk away.
There were lento of times I wanted to give up out of sheer frustration. But I hung in b/c we have made changes and progressed and I have learned to accept some things.
I now know I don’t have to stick around if I don’t want to. That is a freeing thought.
And my H has made big changes. He now is accountable voluntarily. What time he will be home. Where he is etc. throughout the day.
Funny thing. He just experienced the same behavior he gave to me with his stonewalling and not answering questions from his dad. Serious health issues w my FIL and he refused to discuss, denial etc. my H tried to talk to him over and over and got nowhere. I had an opportunity to point out that my H behaved the same way all these years. Sobering to say the least.
I suggest you use therapy for your advantage and put YOU first. Not focus on the marriage like I did 100% but learn how to cope with your situation. When you have a firm foundation and clear sense of you, the rest falls into place.
You can then decide if you can live with this new marriage and the man your H is (versus the man you thought he was all these years).
It needs to work for you. All the best on this tough journey but you will survive. And come out of it a stronger person.
It is just unfortunate the person we love didn’t treat us and the marriage with more dignity and respect. ?
Hi Hopeful,
I have found two types of people in the mental health world. First there are the people who go into it because they want to help and have an insatiable curiosity about the inner workings of the human mind. Then, there are the ones who go into because they want to figure out the craziness they experienced when growing up. I would say personally that I am a combo of the two, but that it is mainly my in-laws that led me to finally get the degree. I had wanted a Master’s in Psychology before, but had put it on the back burner. But, after 10 years of absolutely mind-boggling interactions with my in-laws, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The degree honestly helped me immensely in terms of understanding what I was dealing with. Prior to that, I did not know personality disorders existed because I had never met anyone with a personality disorder… until I got married. My husband was the first to tell me that he suspected his mom met the clinical criteria for pathological narcissism. I had never known they existed or even how to deal with them. After the degree, it all came into focus. I even see a therapist occasionally when I need a reality check. (In fact, spending 40 hours total with a therapist was one of the criteria everyone had to meet and I was 100% for it).
I see a lot of cruel irony with your husband:
-He is a therapist and probably knows the benefits of being in therapy, but he won’t attend therapy himself.
-More specifically, he is a therapist who had an affair yet won’t address the ‘whys ‘ of the affair in any meaningful way. (This is especially annoying since he had two affairs.)
-He is obviously very unhealthy himself emotionally speaking, yet he advises others for a living.
-He is a therapist and has some very serious, unaddressed issues with his family, yet he completely ignores that and gets angry when it is brought up. He has the tools to address these issues in his own therapy toolkit but chooses NOT to do so.
-He believes (erroneously) that since he is a therapist he has enough insight into his life. His actions prove this is not the case. Further, every practicing therapist I currently know actually sees their own therapist since they are aware that they cannot see things 100% clearly. I don’t think I have ever met one that isn’t open about their own issues or doesn’t try to address their issues.
If I were you I would ask him a question. The question is not out of anger but sincere curiosity. Why on earth is he a mental health professional when he won’t even try to address his own issues? Why does he refuse to use his tools to address the boundaries with his parents?
I am going to guess that his dad is the authoritarian type. It sounds like he has some kind of fear of disappointment regarding his father. This usually occurs when there is an authoritarian parent. Authoritarian parents can cross the line and sometimes me physically and mentally abusive. They are not necessarily hat I would call abusers. But some of their behaviors can be really harsh or even seem abusive to the child. I would also like to know what kind of attachment styles and patterns he has with his parents.
http://believeperform.com/performance/using-attachment-theory-to-better-understand-your-athletes/
That is an article on attachment theory within the context of athletes, but it is worth a read. The four attachment style are: secure, ambivalent, disorganized, and avoidant. Secure is considered healthy attachment. I am going to guess he falls into the disorganized attachment category. These people can be very passive as adults. I have my own theory about attachment patterns and how they can predict affairs as well as what kind of affair is likely to happen.
Once again, this is just more evidence that proves affairs really are not about any of us women. They all revolve around the husband’s deficits, insecurities, and fears and how he chooses to cope with these things that are part of the universal human experience. I believe that though affairs involve sex or emotional attachment, they just are not primarily about those things. They are about the man himself and always will be. Sure, some men have a high sex drive, but so do some women. The fact that just as many women as men have affairs that involve sex points to the idea that many women are not sex-averse. I have a huge beef with these evolutionary biologists who say men have to spread their sperm and can’t be monogamous because spreading sperm benefits them. I have a counter-argument to them based on some female mammals in the wild. For example, take the lioness who can mate with over 50 lions in a day. They posit that she does this to get quality sperm. Other female mammals also mate with many partners. Based on that and based on how the affair gender gap has closed, we could also posit that women benefit from mating with various ‘alpha males’. In these cases, the strongest and most healthy sperm usually gets to the egg first. That’s my counter-argument to them. But, my personal feeling is that people can do some really crappy and selfish things. People are introduced to daily temptations. But, that doesn’t mean people are wired to do something. For example, some people would pick up a wallet (and pocket it) that they found on the ground while others would bring it to the police station. Both people will say to themselves, “I wonder if there is some cash in there.” And they might think about all the things they could do with the cash. But, in the end, someone with integrity can have these thoughts but will still make the choice NOT to touch a single dollar and then they will take the in tact wallet to the police station and make sure the owner is contacted. Some could say that we are all wired to steal and just can’t help it. But, that is completely untrue. We ALL face temptation and we ALL choose what to do with it. This is the essence of the affair. It is a personal choice that never reflects on the betrayed spouse.
Many blessings 🙂
My FIL has Narcissistic traits and my wifes parents marraige is one where they live as roomates. He does his thing and she does hers. Her father also buys $4000 bikes and doesn’t even bother telling his wife about it. He says he knows it will upset her so why rock the boat. He has of course side squarely with his daughter. I was wrong to ask her to share her passwords after the discovery.Its rude to snoop. I should stop reading books, i was disrespectful to her during the marriage. She deleted every thing 6 months before on google hang outs when i saw a text to the AP XXOO. So if I would have not had a kid at Milwaukee children hospital vomiting uncontrollable and uncontrollable muscle spasms maybe I would have pushed the issue but I was stupid to think how could my wife be having an affair with a severely sick child. Now my CS just says she needs her freedom to be who she wants to be and has even suggested that 50% child (4 kids) custody doesn’t sound so bad. Yes that one will be on the lawyers desk if she doesn’t snap out of it. My FIL has admonished me for sending the contact information of her AP as he asked and calling him a homewrecker. I guess I should have pointed out that is also one of the ten commandments. I think he is finally starting to realize how selfish she is being by not agreeing to go to my Autistic sons stem cell transplant in Mexico. They were adamant that a mother should be there. It wasn’t until i sent her an text in messenger that said “i am in Cancun with Son and the Au pair, Wife decided it was better for her to stay home. I said I can’t wait to put that on face book. That got her to make very quick flight plans and come half way through the medical trip. Still we got some time together but it was very uncomfortable and I can’t really discuss anything related to our future or the affair or getting to a seminar to get us the help we need, as she just pulls back even worse and I am drug through the mud as being controlling when she emails her friends and father who are not even considering the kids or any of the collateral damage to her family relationship. The good news is her mother is more on my side and says she really needs to get her shit together and suck it up. My two cents on cheating, motive and opportunity. Selfish desire( needs) and how is my spouse going to find out if i hide it good. My wife is dependent on this guy for sure. she was doubting that she should continue the affair and her great friends basically gave her a reason to continue it. By sending her a you tube video on how to make a decision for you highest good. I hate that kind of spiritual bypass. Forget about all the negative karma that even the stupidest Buddhist would say is being generated in the world. but if you think its in your highest good then your entitled. What is worse she doesn’t feel she has the strength to come back to the marriage without his support. FEAR. how do you get them out of it?
Sarah
Yes so much of what you say is correct. I am an overly trusting and honest person. My family is the total opposite of my in laws. On the face I am treated so well but the actions do not support that. Things have improved but as I tell my therapist I am tired of having to be the one to point out these boundary issues. Why me? I always say I am no professional but I can see it. My therapist is great and specializes in marriage and infidelity therapy and has been so helpful. But he has been shocked by the dynamics. But he has told me not to give ultimatums to go to therapy together. He said he knows my husband would go but will say the right things and probably not get any benefit out of it.
Things are getting better and I see progress. As far as professionally the bulk of his practice is not therapy. So he does some but not a lot and he did not get into the profession for that aspect of it. Granted I know people that tell me they beg to see him. I think as a male therapist who is younger there is appeal especially for families and children. People rave to me about him. That gets old. They tell me how their time with him has changed their lives and they owe him so much. It can be hard to take. I think thought this adds to why he is actually good at what he does. He is a great problem solver but also an expert at compartmentlizing things. And he sees bad horrible things at work. So not that he thought it was okay but normalized it. And he has heard way worse than what he has done. So I think what makes him good at his career has helped him to have affairs. He shuts off work and of course cannot talk about it when he comes home.
Over the past year he has made so many dramatic lifestyle changes. My therapist says it is shocking. And he says he is happier than ever before and loves his life and is starting to like himself again. More recently he is becoming more insightful. Some insistence from me. He is reading books and talking it over with me. And when he said to me that he values the second chance I have given him and knows there will not be another chance he wants to do everything in his power to understand what led to this and how to prevent it. So that is a good step. From my perspective I think he sees his life in silos or compartments. So his parents do not affect anything etc we will see where this all goes.
Thanks for your insights!
And I suspect my H now is flirty and stuff with women b/c he is good looking with a great personality and very very funny. But he was shy with girls in HS and I was only his 2nd real girlfriend.
I think he was making up for lost time. It flattered his ego. And unfortunately this last affair he was in over his head. It went beyond an EA and flirty behavior.
I did tell my H that too. I hold very little back. He was shocked to hear it. I told him he became the kind of guy I hate – out without his wife and flirty flirty with the women. Makes me want to take a photo of those men and show it to their wives. Disgusting behavior. His response? There wasn’t any response. He neither denied or admitted any of it. Doesn’t matter I know it happened even if I didn’t see it w/ my own eyes.
Again. Thank heavens for therapy
My Mother in law told my husband that it wasn’t his fault and he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. Hello!?!? Whose fault was an affair that he initiated?? It really hurt my feelings and I have no desire to have a relationship with her now.
I don’t miss my ex mother in law at all. Another blessing.
My husband had an affair with an employee in the family business. Put the whole thing at risk for a lawsuit while spouting to me that I didn’t respect his family. When he told mil about the affair and that I had asked him to leave, her response was great come here, I have a new duvet in the guest room. She also told him that no personnel changes would happen, that the ow was to continue to be his only direct report. Never checked on me or the kids, it’s now been 2 years. When he told her he was making reconciliation a priority and either he or the ow had to leave the company, she told him that by doing that he was giving me back all the power.
The affair was 6 months or so, no love professed, but I think she was chasing a pot of gold. Married serial cheater, not young. She worshipped my mil. She wanted to be a part of what she saw as this dynasty – seeing she was in a very low income lifestyle, her image of the truth was very warped, no dynasty. Basically, my husband has a comfort with being around manipulative women. They triangulate, they subtly insult then coddle, and it’s what he knew growing up – and his late grandmother was the same, a bitter witch to her core, so it’s been passed on. Husband was the result of a teen pregnancy, which his therapist says often results in enmeshment. Mil has spent 49 yrs proving that the pregnancy wasn’t a shameful thing, but that she gave birth to a miracle child who makes her look special to the world. In marrying me, he found the power to leave her – we moved very far for 18 yrs. then she needed help with the business so asked him to move back. I started having anxiety attacks and crying jags before we even moved. Mil took me aside and told me how excited she was to have him back. Not our family, just him. The affair started pretty much right away – the more he ‘worked’ with the ow, the more attention and love and adoration he got from his mother. It was horrific. We’ve moved away again, he’s starting to understand how her behavior isn’t excusable, but she’s his mother and it’s what he knows. I think it’s too ugly to face. Her mask started to slip and that’s when he started to detach again and realize the attention he got from both the mother and the ow was completely self serving and insincere and transactional. Both the ow and the mil wanted this successful businessman on their arms to reflect their own ‘specialness’ when what he had from me was loving him for who he really is, not who he pretends to be. My mil discarding me (and frankly our kids) has been as difficult as the affair, because she is in my h’s life. Best part, she’s a marriage counsellor. I begged her for support (therapist, right?)when h confessed and she told my h I was hateful and she’s never spoken to me since. I never thought this would be my life at 46.
Jenny,
Another marital therapist (your mother in law) who should NOT be a therapist. It sounds like she went in to the field to mess with people. I hate to say that, but this is how it seems. I wonder if your MIL is a personality disorder… a borderline? A Narcissist…?
So sorry to hear what you are going through.
Personality disorder without a doubt. Covert incest, borderline, run of the mill toxic. Needs to be surrounded by weak people who are down on their luck who need her and admire, worship her. She lends them money and they’re beholden. She’s a hollow woman who chases admiration and busy-ness, yet never really does anything. She’s too terrified to stop and listen. She sucks the air out of every situation and leaves everyone unable to contradict or disagree. Anyone who calls her out or criticizes her us cast out. Like I was.
Bottom line, she’s ridiculously unhappy and kills herself convincing people otherwise.
Wow Jenny,
I have to give you credit for sticking by your husband during this terrible situation.
I do believe that a “mother” is who our sons look up to. My ex MIL never liked me. I wasn’t a dr or attorney and she is very much impressed by people with titles. She likes thin people and will talk about heavy people even though her own daughter is extremely over weight.
I try to teach my boys to see the good in everyone, rich or poor. And if we can help someone a bit unfortunate then we are,we do. Even lending an ear for conversation or a pep talk.
Just remember this is not you. Your MIL is the one with the problem.
I always thought that there was something wrong with me. I finally see it’s not. My ex MIL and her broom are out of my life forever, and it’s a relief.
It’s strange, she was never a factor in marriage until we moved closer. I always had an issue with her pushing boundaries, but was always shut down by his family. So I thought I was the one with problem. And she always told me how much she loved me and I believed her. I won’t ignore my instincts about people again, I can’t tell you how many times with her, and then during the affair, with my husband, I would get a tingly feeling in my neck. That was my brain trying to shake me into acting.
Interestingly, her triangulating me was the glue that held her relationship with my h. Once she cut me out and I respected it, they had nothing. She can’t live without competition or triangulation. They made me the problem, I removed the problem and now they have no one to blame. Hes got a very different relationship with her now, with severe boundaries in place. My h is very aware and very ashamed of what he’s allowed me to endure. He never stood up for me. That’s really hard.
I am glad that you removed yourself from the triangle even if you did not put yourself there. Sometimes when people are unhealthy, they think the problem is always outside of themselves. Not all people think this. But, she is obviously one who believes the problem is outside of herself. Therefore, when an unwitting 3rd person comes along, she shoves them into the middle without the 3rd person even knowing what is happening. People like this need a scape goat and it is best to get the heck out of their way. I am going to guess she has a personality disorder. In fact, I am beginning to wonder how many people with personality disorders hide inside the mental health field. There was a shock that came to everyone in the mental health field when the founder of REBT (rational emotive behavioral therapy) admitted she founded it because she was trying to treat her own personality disorder in secret. Instead of reaching out to colleagues and being open about her condition, she projected her personality disorder outside of herself and developed something for those she deemed ill. In the end, it was just for her. Now, that is okay, but it shows to what lengths some people with personality disorders will go to make sure they project their illness outward. So these folks always look for some kind of scapegoat so they don’t have to confront the real problem– themselves.
My H had an affair with a friend that was very close to his mother. The friend was a neighbor of my in laws. 8 years younger then my H. This neighbor went through a nasty divorce because her H cheated on her and confided in my mil and cried on her shoulder. My mother in law ( old school) told her to find a good man. That is when the whore neighbor set her sights on my H. The affair lasted about 18 months. My mil and rest of his family knew about the affair long before I did and no one said a word to me. When I finally found out , my mil told me I was a terrible wife and her son deserved better. She said awful , terrible things to me. My husband never stood up for me. He did end the affair and we have recovered. The problem is , my mil and sil still see and talk with this person. They refuse to understand or see how upset I am with them. My mother in law tells me that she was friends with the neighbor for 10 yrs! I have been daughter in law for 25. My mother in law recently added the neighbor to her Facebook and my darling H thinks it’s perfectly fine. I am really struggling with my husbands attitude about this whole situation
I really thought hubby and I had recovered from the affair. It’s been about 6 years. I know my problem is with my mother and sisiter in law but I feel my hubby should set the boundaries. I want him to tell them it’s inappropriate and hurtful to me. He feels it’s not his place. That he can’t choose their friends. I fee he is being disloyal to me by not saying anything to them And that his silence condones their behaivor. Am I wrong?
Cindy. Sorry you have been dragged through the mud. This is so wrong on so many levels. And yours is not the first story I read on this blog of MIL & SIL being friends with the OW.
You are in a tough position. I agree your H should set boundaries but he is right in that he cannot tell another person who to be friends with.
So unfortunately as the BS you lose once again.
I think you should create the relationship you can tolerate with the in-laws. Your H may be feeling guilt from his bad choice AND who he chose to have an affair with. It is within your rights to have no contact with in laws as they completely disrespected you.
I had a bad mother in law but my H stood up and cut contact. The other in laws that had to bear her hurtful behavior (mean and nasty) carry the scars to this day with resentment and anger.
I would feel exactly as you do if my H did nothing. But I would try to move past it for peace of mind and for your own happiness.
I find in certain situations that men become complete cowards. Plain & simple. Not much you can do to change that unless you go to Oz and give him a badge of courage (haha).
I hope you can get past this. Me personally I would not speak to in laws ever. That is some trashy move to condone that behavior and keep it a secret. Please know you deserved better.
Love the article! My ex MIL is a complete narcissist and a huge part of the demise of my marriage. She excuses his abhorrent behavior because in a way she likes it. When he was disrespectful to his wife it’s like it made her happy that she was not being treated that way and therefore better than me. So happy to be out of that sicko dynamic.
I’m past my ex CH and all that but there are two lingering emotions I deal with…we have kids together so we are still all tied up together.
1. I still cannot stand his mother. I get along with him now and still hate her which is backwards I know and 2. My ex CH is still with his mistress and that bothers me too because it’s like it excuses away their despicable behavior. Like people look at it now and say “huh. Maybe they were meant to be since they have been together so long”.
You say 1% of affairs turn into marriages or something like that and I really hope that is the case. I don’t know what I will do if their’s is the 1%!!
And I know how bad their relationship is and that they are both liars and blah blah blah so I’m not jealous at all. I understand all that and am happy in my life. I just want the justice that I feel is deserved still for some reason.
Now my monster ex MIL is thick as thieves with the mistress and walks around like her son didn’t do anything wrong at all and my ex and his AP are still together which makes me wonder if karma is even a real thing.
Anyone else have a similar situation or feedback?
Karma is real. Your ex MIL is crazy. Be glad to be rid of her.
The relationship between exH and AP will not last or be happy healthy. One will cheat on the other. Happens every time.
That is what I call a good time relationship. If one gets sick or there are serious issues, the other bails. They do not have the capacity to stick around during troubling times.
Karma : I once went out with a guy at 21. I was young and naive. He cheated the entire time. He was eventually fired from a great job for sexual harassment. His life spiraled downward. Job, money, etc – major issues.
And no one stuck by him b/c he was a Cheater and liar. Only out for himself. Karma
You’re right. And, if the relationship between an AP and an ex does appear to last, it’s very likely a dysfunctional propped up relationship. They may both be cheating or they may have an open marriage where neither one follows their predetermined polyamory rules. Technically, that’s also cheating. I doubt either person could really depend on the other even while they’re still calling themselves “married”.
Karma is definitely a real thing. You know why? Because, not everyone is as nice as us. People who act like selfish, entitled @$$holes tend to piss off the wrong people eventually. Then, they experience consequences. Since, everything is someone else’s fault, entitled people may repeatedly experience consequences for their behavior. Since they also tend to put up a facade, we don’t often hear about the myriad of consequences they’re experiencing. Though things fell apart with his mistress, I thought my ex had found someone else and now had a happy marriage. I thought I must really suck if he needed to ask for an open marriage and be unfaithful with me but suddenly turned into mr. monogamy. Turns out he’s not mr. monogamy. They actually have an open marriage. Unfortunately for him, his “girlfriend” cheated on him, then his wife wouldn’t give up her boyfriend even though he told her to and what he says goes. He ended up drinking so much that his wife had to call 911. To the outside, it looks like he’s not experiencing consequences, but, on the inside his life is filled with drama. That’s what happens when you treat other people like crap. Some people treat you the same way back.
I have been fortunate to have a MIL who has treated me like a daughter, even through my CH affair she never blamed me. It would crush her to know that her son began the second A within weeks of the first one ending.
I believe it has been my FIL who has helped lead him down this road of cheating.
My husband has taken years to tell me all about his family, I just learned the other day that his father would leave the house for hours after he argued with my CH’s mother. My CH said he would ask himself if his father was ever coming back home.
It took 2 years after we were married to find out his father was an alcoholic and my CH is following in his footsteps with the drink.
Then about 10 years into our marriage found out his father would hit his mother when my CH was younger. My CH was the oldest child so he would step in and try to stop it, then when his father lost his job for a year it was my CH who had to find work to help with the mortgage. So I believe he learned these traits from his father that when you are not happy you leave, or smack your wife around (which he has not done to me ever)or you just drink and feel sorry for yourself. So if he never saw his father really treat his wife with love, affection and respect, then hard for him to do the same. So sad.
My CH left me for the first AP in 2013, lasted 6 months then went online and found the present AP which is on going. I took him back when he told me the second A was over.
So I believe my husband is a broken man with a lost soul, but still believe he could turn things around if he chose to get some help.
Had I known all this before I married him, then there is a good chance I would not be with him today.
As I mentioned above it has been my FIL who has contributed to my CH being a broken man.
Just learned the other night after 25 years of marriage that when my CH’s parents would argue ( that I knew) his father would leave for hours and my CH always wondered if his father was ever coming back.
So I believe my CH was taught by his father that when you are angry and or not happy you leave until YOU feel like coming home.
I just realized today that my MIL is playing a bigger role in all this than I realized before. I met her the same time i met my husband and she has always loved my like a daughter.. But before we lived far from her and so she was not a constant presence in our life. I think a part of my husband’s MLC is due to us returning to his hometown and him seeing her in poor health and fearing his own old age.
When I returned from traveling, I sat down with her the first day and told her even if I come to you crying or upset, I just want you to listen to me, I don’t want you to enter between my husband and I to solve the problem. You see, from the beginning of our marriage we agreed if we had a problem we would solve it ourselves and not let anyone else help us. That this would prevent the problems from getting bigger. And while one of us his relatives stepped in a couple times in the first year of our marriage to save us from ourselves, otherwise we had been totally self-solving of our problems.
This changed when we moved, my husband started talking to his mother and others about issues between us (or maybe just his own issues) when his MLC started. And I find myself talking to her too. She urges me to be patient and tells me that my husband loves me so much. He sure isn’t showing it himself but maybe she sees something in him that I don’t these days.
However the thing that is nagging at me now is we had a conflict yesterday, and my husband got so frustrated he was ready to cut things off with me and the OW simultaneously for some time. I put on a poker face when he said this and told him I just wanted to sleep and did not react. He went to his mother at least one or two times after this but I really was just trying to sleep. She even came to me angry that he was ready to kick me out, angry because she thought I caused it and she didn’t want him to do that.
In the morning he was quiet and the threat had not materialized. A few hours later he told me that his mother was the main reason he had not carried out his threats. He has said this before too.
Now, here’s the question. Is there some sort of childhood issue at play here maybe? I don’t know if his mother used to play a similar role in his conflicts when he was child. Also, if he really wants to get rid of me, but he knows his mother will always defend our marriage even if she thinks I did something wrong, why is he running to talk to her knowing she will talk him out of it? Is he unconsciously hoping she will pull him back from the edge? Do I want this sort of behavior to continue or is it better to encourage him to return to our previous habit of solving our problems ourselves? I do talk to her myself, but truly I don’t do it because I want her to do anything, I just know she will be understanding and listen to me. They say when your husband is in MLC to not talk to your in-laws about it but my mother-in-law takes my side so maybe this is OK?
I can only imagine that maybe his mother would defend him when his father beat him. But I don’t know what sort of role she would have played if he had a conflict with his brother or other kids.
There’s something going on here but I don’t know if it is a good thing or a bad thing or if it is actually just a crutch that will prevent our moving forward in the long run.
I believe that your MIL suffered from her in laws and/or noticed some inappropriate dynamics in your family. That is why she could be trying to support you as DIL and protect your marriage from your family potential and unhelpful interference. That is what happened to me as MlL. It worked for some time, but eventually I decided to step away from my such role as MIL. It was too much of support given to my DIL and I saw my son getting insecure in such situation.
I gave to my DIL too much of support, I loved her as my own daughter (as well as my son). Today my son says she hates me for reasons which she created in her mind and are not real things.However, I still support my son to continue with his marriage. I will support him if he will walk away from this relation. Why? She is mentally sick and this marriage does not have good dynamics, no matter how far I was trying to help. That will be his personal decision and I love him. I do not want from him to suffer, as there is no real chance she will understand her mental issues. The bottom line is that it is good to have supportive MIL, but at the end it is not the way to go to confine into MIL. It will be a dead end at the certain time, although not necessary for mental health reasons.
Hi Everyone,
I recently discovered that my partner of 8+ years had an affair with someone at work. Of course, I am traumatized. There were problems in our marriage before his infidelity: I have always been very sensitive about what I perceive to be inconsiderate, dismissive, and sometimes downright rude treatment of me by his family. Although there has been some underlying tension during family gatherings (which is difficult for both my partner and me), I’ve managed to maintain cordial and polite interactions with his family throughout the years.
In the wake of his affair, his family has been silent towards me. They speak to him often and counsel him on how to respond to comments I’ve shared with him (in confidence) about my pain/trauma due to the affair. They have not reached out to me in any meaningful way, which makes me feel as though they condone/excuse his behavior and see me as someone who deserved to be cheated on. I’m not looking for them to get involved, but it would be reassuring if someone would reach out and say something like, “We know this is hard. We care about you.” Instead, I feel like their silence leaves a terrible void into which I project the worst sort of fear.
Am I being too sensitive? How do I get to a place where I care less about what my inlaws think/say/do? Both my partner and I want to save our marriage but I fear that I will let their ambivalence (at best) stand in the way of our healing process.
Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer.
Hi Kathy, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I might have a different perspective than others, but I wouldn’t expect his family to necessarily reach out to you – especially given the somewhat cool nature of your relationship with them. Remember that blood is thicker than water and sometimes it doesn’t matter what their son has done or says, they’re going to stick up for him and perhaps blame you for everything. That said, just because they haven’t reached out to you doesn’t mean that they condone or excuse his behavior. Perhaps they just don’t want to piss him off, so instead they say nothing. I think that you and your husband need to have tunnel vision and focus solely on each other and your relationship. You didn’t marry your in laws, so you shouldn’t worry about what they say or do. I know that it is human nature to have some level of caring what they think and say, but saving your marriage is much more important than them right now.
I could use some advice, my situation is a bit different. I had an emotional affair that made my husband decide to leave and move in with his parents with our kids, he filed for divorce and i ended that relationship and begged him to come home and forgive me. He did after a month of separation. My MIL was against it and took her several months before she allowed me to come back to her house. I would love advice on mending my relationships with my mil, fil, bil, and sil. They have all blocked me from facebook. They only talk to me when my husband is around. I feel like an outsider where before i was apart of the family. Any help would be appreciated.
If it were me, I’d have a sit down talk with each of them and express how you feel and ask for them to support/forgive you and to support your husband as well. If your husband is behind you, then perhaps he can also talk with them – or you can do it together. Good luck!