Good Wednesday to everyone!

This week our discussion is about hindsight.

Here is the topic:

Looking back on your experience, whether your D-day has been a year ago, or a week ago, what would you have done differently–in your relationship and/or when you discovered the affair?

Please reply to each other in the comments. Each person leaving a comment is not an isolated incident. Also, don’t forget to utilize the new forum!

Thanks again!

Doug & Linda

See also  Unlike Affair Love, Real Love is an Unselfish Conscious Choice

    24 replies to "Discussion: What Would You Do Differently?"

    • Broken

      I would have stayed quiet when I found out, and pretend like I didn’t know anything. Then I would have followed him around and done my snooping. I would gather all the evidence I could and then confront him. I confronted him right away and that was a mistake… because then he knew how to cover his tracks.

      • admin

        Broken, I’ve heard that recommendation before. Probably sound advice.

    • Broken

      Doug, when Linda found out about your EA, why didn’t you try to stop contact with Tanya straight away? My husband did, and I could see that from emails, but I wonder why he did that and you didn’t? Now I’m starting to panic and think that maybe he didn’t, maybe they were talking on the phone instead and not through email. AHHH!!!!!! I want the fear to subside already! LOL

      • admin

        Broken, In a nut shell, I was stupid. I was enjoying my time with Tanya, and there were some issues at home with Linda that were at the time not resolved–mainly resentment that I was harboring. Once she discovered our phone records though, and the reality finally hit, I ended it.

        • Broken

          What did you and Tanya talk about all day? My H can’t answer that question saying that it was just nonsense most of the time. I just can’t understand how two people can talk all day! After awhile don’t you run out of things to say to each other?

          • admin

            Broken, We really didn’t talk about anything in particular either..work, family, friends, etc. Think about when you and your husband or previous boyfriends first met. I’m sure there was no shortage of conversation.

            • Broken

              Yeah I guess your right, when two people first meet there is no shortage of conversation. I just hate that he couldn’t stop the conversations when he got home, he talked to her all day at work, what more can they say all night! Why not just talk at work and leave it at that. That’s what bothers me. Why not just wait until the next day to talk, why talk until the wee hours of the night. It’s like they couldn’t stay away from each other, they had to be in contact all day. Why is that? Why couldn’t you just wait until you went to work to talk to Tanya? Why did you have to talk to her at night also? Why did it have to be non stop communication?

            • admin

              Broken, I really didn’t talk that much at night, though we did text now and then. I know it’s silly, but there really wasn’t anything said that was earth shattering or anything like that. I know you hate to hear this, but based on everything I’ve researched and read, I feel it was pure school-boy-like infatuation. There I said it, and I know your cringing!

            • Broken

              My H spoke to the OW all day at work, at home and on the weekends. From what I can tell about the OW, she is very persistent and probably texted him all night because she is obsessive. Yes I’m cringing! I hate that my H had a crush on her, I know that is a reality, it’s just hard to face. It makes me sad. I remember all the feelings I had for my H when we first met, and I’m sure he had all those feelings for her during the EA. It’s sickening.
              Doug, you say your EA didn’t turn sexual, how did you prove that to Linda?

            • admin

              Yes it is hard to face. I know that it still upsets Linda a great deal, as it does you. I don’t believe I did anything to prove that it didn’t turn sexual other than saying it didn’t. At the time, there would have been nor reason for me to deny it. The tremendous damage had been done. Linda kept asking and gave me every opportunity, and even said that it didn’t matter to her at that point.

            • ppl

              does your husband fear sexual harrassment charges at work. is that why he cant cut it off. why still texting. has he gone against company policy and hence fears retaliation, otherwise why still take texts, change phone number etc.

            • Broken

              ppl… I believe this message is for Conflicted right? If it is… I agree with you. He may just be using this as an excuse to continue contact with OW.

    • Broken

      Funny I said the same thing to my H, I said at this point it wouldn’t make a difference because I was and still am hurting tremendously anyway. Doug did you ever fear that Linda would have an affair? I mean before this EA you had, not after. I’m only asking because sometimes I think my H would not have done this if he thought that maybe I was as vulnerable as he was. But I think he knew that I wouldn’t ever do anything at all, so basically he could have his fun without worrying that I was also.

      • admin

        Broken, I can honestly say that I never feared that Linda would have an affair.

        • Broken

          Doug, I admire you for starting this website. Because you have to discuss this all day and face the reality of what you did. I told my H about this website and that I talk to people who are in the same situation as us. But I never gave him the website, because I’m not sure if it will be productive to show him what I say and to have him in turn say things on the site also. Do you think that I should?

          • admin

            Broken, Thanks! Yes I would give him this site so he can look, learn and comment. Trust me, doing this site has been a real learning experience for me in many different ways.

    • lass00

      To be honest when I first found out I should of said goodbye and never looked back. He was still contacting her behind my back when he had promise no more. Its been 4 mos and once a week he still trys to contact her though she is not contacting him so no now I realize he cant get her out of his system and maybe never will. But my heart keeps telling me to hold on a little longer and it will end. The waiting is killing me. If I said goodbye I might have been on a road to recovery by now.

      • admin

        Lass, Thanks for commenting. I believe that after awhile of her not responding to him, that she will soon become a distant memory.

    • Starting Over

      What would I do differently? Well let me get my list…lol.

      One thing I did about three weeks after I found out, was to call the other woman. I think I was too easy. I basically rolled over and said if she was what he wanted I would back out. I should have told her, this is MY husband back off or I will out you to your husband.

      Or, we could go back farther than that, to when I called him home to talk about it and she sent an email talking about making me uncomfortable and not wanting to cause problems. I should have just said, this is making me too uncomfortable, it has to stop. It may not have done anything but it would have kept them away from each other and kept them from spending days on end talking face to face.

      After, I should have confronted her husband very early. I should have told him and said to hell with my husbands feelings on the matter.

      But hindsight doesn’t help me. Lol. I try not to think about doing things differently in the past. I am concentrating on the future. I have decided that If I can still save my marraige I am going to. He is seeing now that it is not all roses. He is seeing how connected we are. I don’t want to look back and say that I didn’t try everything I could to save my marraige, and by looking back at those things, I am doing just that. I rolled over and took it. I will never do that again!

      Oh wow. Writing that helped me make a decision I have been tearing myself up over for the past couple of weeks! You guys are awesome! Lol!

      • admin

        Starting Over, I think I’ve said this before, but I like your attitude. Keep it up and things will work out fine one way or the other.

    • Rushan

      I also would have kept silent and try to get more information. After I’ve found out, he used his other phone and deleted all signs of calls and sims and I couldn’t see his work pc to see if they still contact. Up until now I am still not certain that he isn’t contacting her or she him anymore although she is in another town. He says he doesn’t hear from her anymore, but I am not so sure. From things he said when I said something about her I think they still contact. But he is trying very hard to show me he wants to make something out of our marriage so I am willing to let sleeping dogs lie. I don’t know if I am doing the right thing. Sincerely hope so.

      • ruth

        I think you have said the same thing I have before we have the same situation. I have a keylogger on my husband computer at home. I see that he tries to contact her ever week but the idiot has her wrong email address so when he goes to see if she is on, she not. I almost want to go and fix it for him just so I can see where his head is at but like you I’m willing to let sleeping dogs lie but I to don’t how much more I can do this. I want an honest marriage all I want is the truth if he want to be with her than go but stop contacting her. My husband had a affair with her sex and emotional. I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking if I wait long enough he will get over her.

    • Duane

      I would have asked my wife to move out for a week or two. I wouldn’t have been nearly as polite to OM when I confronted him. I would have laughed in my wife’s face when she whined about needing “closure.” I would have told her, “when you are done contacting him, when you are really ready to be in our marriage, then you can come home.” I would have taken time off from work.

      In my relationship I would have questioned her more about her depressed mood.

    • M girl

      Hi I just wanted to post that it’s been 2 wks since I discovered my fiancé ‘s affair and I’m feeling absolutely horrendous. But I’m glad to hve found this site where everyone shares their experiences. I’m in so much pain right now but I hope to recover slowly given enough time.

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