affair recoveryThe other night something woke me up around 2AM and before you know it my mind was racing and I couldn’t for the life of me fall back to sleep.  As is usually the case when this happens, I turned on the TV. 

I usually try to find a replay of some sporting event and leave the sound off so as to not wake Linda.  Most of the time this will slow my racing mind and lull me back to sleep.

This night was a little different though. 

We recently changed our cable provider and I’m still getting used to the new channels.  So instead of just flipping to my usually late-night standbys, I had to channel surf to find something worth watching.

Isn’t it amazing what is on TV in the middle of the night?  Geesh, what a bunch of junk.

Seemingly every other channel was airing something related to losing weight, gaining muscle, curing baldness or improving one’s sexual prowess and stamina. 

I turned the volume up just enough so that I could hear but it wouldn’t wake Linda and it seemed that virtually every one of these infomercials claimed that the solution to [insert problem here…flabby thighs, beer gut, receding hairline, etc.] was easily obtained without very much effort at all and for just 3 easy payments of $19.95.

Man, I wish I could get my 6-pack abs back in just 10 minutes a day!  Wouldn’t that be sweet?

And wouldn’t it be wonderful if affair recovery worked the same way?

Unfortunately that is no way near the case for a variety of reasons.  Yet, I communicate on a daily basis with folks who seem to think that there is (or who are at least hoping for) a magic pill that will make all of the bad stuff that occurs as a result of infidelity just go away.

See also  Discussion: When Do You Just Quit Trying?

If only that were the case.  Well, it’s not.  It’s about doing work – and lots of it.

Now, since this is our weekly discussion post, you’re probably wondering where I’m going with this.

Well, I want to gear this discussion towards those folks who are fairly new into their affair recovery, and I’d love for those of you who have been recovering for some time to chime in.

What I’d like is for the “old timers” to describe, list, express  just what some of the work you have done over the weeks, months or years towards your goal of affair recovery and healing.  (Please mention how long your journey has lasted thus far.)

Further, if you would like to share how the work you’ve done has helped to move you closer towards personal and relationship recovery, that would be awesome.

My hope is that your contributions can further help set the expectations (so to speak) and provide direction for those who are just starting their journeys.

For you “newbies”…Don’t be shy.  Listen.  Get involved.  Share your story.  Ask questions.  Create a friendships and contacts and support.  Try to avoid just listening (reading) to what it is you want to hear.  

I’ll list a few ideas just to get the ball rolling…

  • Reading books on affairs and relationships
  • Therapy
  • Listening to recordings with experts
  • Meditating
  • Weekend retreats and intensives
  • Long heart to heart discussions
  • Journaling
  • Getting and/or providing answers to the affair questions
  • Having patience in the affair recovery process
  • Exercise…

OK.  Your turn!

See also  A Main Element for Affair Recovery is Communication

Thanks so much!

Linda & Doug


    36 replies to "Discussion – Your Affair Recovery Activities"

    • EyesOpened

      I’ll kick off as I expect it’s the middle of the night where you are and I’m on my way to work in the UK. Seven months in and I’m a CS.

      Reading all the comments on this site!

      Talking about it with friends and family (helpful sometimes other times not).

      Pouring extra love and attention into my children.

      Giving up my job (v scary and still on notice)

      Creating different things to worry about.

      And something very drastic! Part of our relationship difficulties were a lack of money and anxiety related to it . We sold our bigger house and moved to a less expensive area (house move, new schools, new friends etc) decided to buy a wreck of a house and build it into a new house that we build together for our family. It means we can take something bad and make it into something good – together. Gives us lots of things to think about so we don’t keep dwelling on the affair and have something to look forward to in the future . We are now busy making our own luck.

    • EyesOpened

      Oops – I forgot the most important one! Teaching myself to say out loud any positive thoughts I have about my H. Ensuring he knows when I think he looks extra handsome or I verbalise my appreciation of his actions or attitude – so we know when we are getting it right!!

      The best thing he did for me was to try to see the world from where I was standing and to support me as well as expect sympathy and support for himself.

      • chiffchaff

        my H still has issues with remembering to say positive things out loud about me, which is a continuing disgruntlement for me as he was so quick with compliments for the OW. So, well done in your attitude to your H.

    • chiffchaff

      18 months in and I’m the BS. I’,m also in the UK.

      Reading lots of books on the recovery process & this blog
      Addressing the things I didn’t like about myself
      Writing down all my thoughts in a journal – helps to get them out & it’s useful as a reminder of how far you’ve come
      Doing new things together – no matter how small
      Let my H make decisions about what we would do, again on small things, and not let him get away with leaving decisions to me
      Challenged myself to do things with others – new things really help to distract you as well as build self-esteem gradually
      Tell my H when he was looking nice & generally being more touchy feely throughout the day (this gradually led to my H being nicer to me and being touchy feely in return)
      Reading this blog and interacting in the comments – helps thought processes as well as making you not feel alone throughout this crap time

    • EyesOpened

      Well done to you too Chiff Chaff. Got to be hard to say nice things to someone that’s hurt you so badly. As Doug states – it’s all down to hard work. Your H maybe needs reminding that you’d appreciate some more positive attention!

    • Gizfield

      Chiff chaff, they HAVE to continuously compliment the OW. it’s like the admission ticket to the show. These “glamourous, beautiful” women are big vats of emotional neediness, which must continuously be refilled by vapid, meaningless compliments. The ego trip is what it’s all about for them.

    • jewel

      haha!! Gizfield! so true!

    • Strengthrequired

      It’s true, the cousin it in my h ea was so needy, had left a marriage after 20yrs saying to my h how terrible her life was with her h, had my h feel so sorry for her, all he could do wad throw compliments her way.
      Don’t worry though, I let her know her faults, how disgusting she was, how my h never would have looked at her once as a substitue for me if he hadn’t been so depressed and him needing a ego boost too, by being a so called hero to her. I let her know she was not his type and she had so many setbacks that was her downfall at having a normal relationship with my h.

    • Gizfield

      Thank you, Jewel. Did any one else read the OW’s emails and notice how immature and pathetic they were ? I can’t believe anyone would risk their marriage and family for that tripe, lol. She was always doing what my mother would have called “fishing for compliments” She would throw out some comment that was just about begging for a compliment. “I wore a new dress today. Hope it looks ok…” Hint, hint, hint… He said her conversation consisted mostly of “bitching about her work and kid.” Niiiiccceeee. That, and talking about anything she thought she would make her look hip or young. I mean, eating sushi is one of this chick’s major topics of conversation. Pitiful.

    • Strengthrequired

      Cousin it would always talk about how they were when the were younger, and how much she loved him since she was only 11yrs old. How they were meant to be together, lol. She would always talk about the family, their relatives, that’s all they had in common.
      Ohh and about her bitching about me and her h, and trying new easy of getting into his head like trying to convince my h that I was seeing her h. Lol. Stupid cousin it, it got to my h that much he had to ask me. I don’t even know cousin it’s h.

    • Caper

      I don’t sleep well and things weigh on my mind. I would love to hear my husband give a compliment from the heart, tell me how much he’s sorry for hurting me without my prodding. It’s been over a year since I discovered by accidental reading an excited email what was going on with my husband and a former colleague from 20 years ago. He was telling her to write at a different email address, guess things were heating up because they just shared a dinner in another state that she described as “better than sex” and he said “well, I must be good”. I thought it was a mid-life crisis and I was offering to help…discovered it was a month long email, texting, phone conversation and two dinner emotional affair. I couldn’t believe how often, how long and when these communications were happening. Most from our house when I thought he was working, during time when our kids were home. I went crazy, called a suicide hotline, drank, screamed and he still continued to communicate with her. Their conversations made light of my pain. After finding an email while on our family vacation from her saying, “sorry I missed your call” I cracked. Either he stops or leaves. He stayed with me and I couldn’t find any more communication. I wrote her, said “how dare she say those things to a married family man – she’s 48 and not married, no kids. She said that all she wanted was for him to feel warm in his tummy. ” I’m seeing a counsellor, reading all the books, I’m still recovering, still hurting and still trying to work through the mess. I’m so angry and humiliated. It seems so easy for him to say it’s over with her and to forget his addition to her. He tells me to move on but for me the 16 years of trust has been dissolved and needs repair. He’s read books on how to help the recovery but the follow through isn’t happening. It’s one day at a time for me. My counsellor says that the repair from the affair is 100% his, the repairing of the marriage prior to the affair is 50/50. Love Languages is a good book but needs both parties to work at each other’s language. My husband used to say happy wife, happy life. Sigh…

      • jewel

        “My counsellor says that the repair from the affair is 100% his, the repairing of the marriage prior to the affair is 50/50”

        Caper, your counsellor may say that it’s 100% the CS’s work, but its so far from reality. i don’t believe that many CSs can pull themselves out of their own ego salads to sort this out. From what i’ve heard on here, along with my own experience, the bulk of the work comes from strong BSs that value their marriages, love their spouses in spite of the pain and are brave enough to roll up their sleeves, swallow a lot of indignity and stay for the long haul. I hope to hope that my H can some day come around to truly appreciate what he has. Until then, I will support, stroke and soothe until I believe that i am once again the only love in his heart.

        • Strengthrequired

          Jewel, that’s the thing “believing that you are once again the only love”. That’s what I’m waiting for, still not sure I believe it yet, not sure I know what to believe anymore.
          My h can say some wonderful things, but I want to believe what he says but can’t let myself.

    • Gizfield

      She “just wanted him to feel warm in his tummy.” My word, that is even stupider than the crap my husband’s Turd wrote. Is she an elementary school teacher or something? I really dispise these hag’s sanctimonious attitudes! Ewwwww.

    • Broken2

      33 months since dday and I am the BS. I have come to realize that you can recover from an emotional affair BUT you and your marriage will be changed forever. The bottom line is if you can accept the change and the FACT that trust will never be the same. It can come back but there will always be a part of your that wonders. What we have done to recover? At first it was many long emotional conversations and I mean many! Then we started a date night each week and we went away for the weekends about every other weekend for 3-4 months (which I believe helped save us). Journaling is definately a must for me because sometimes I would be so mad and I wrote down what I felt rather then telling my husband because my thoughts were pretty ugly. We have a “state of the union” each week where we talk about our marriage and if there is any bad issues occuring or even good things. The trust isnt there right now…it use to be a given but not anymore so I demand answers and I no longer accept excuses. I still have self esteem issues after all of this time…a husband cheating on his wife is devastating to a womans self esteem and I hope someday I can look in the mirroe again and see what other people see, Working on that. We get up at least 2 hours before we have to each day to have coffee together and we talk every night before bed. We have connected on a different level then before the affair in a good way. I dont feel it necessary anymore to talk about the affair. I still have days where I look through the telephone bills but that is rare. I have access to all of his accounts but I dont look at them anymore. I look to my faith more then I did. My husband has changed…he isnt the same man he was 33 months ago. He still has his moments and it took a long time for me to believe a person could change and it would stay that way but it did and he has. I cant control what he does but he maintains transparency and occasionally he will forget to tell me where he hes gone and I am trying to let it go and gradually trust again….because really why do I want someone who doesnt want me? He stops everything he does when I need to talk and looks me in the eye and says lets talk. He seems so much more aware of how I feel and when something is wrong or he has said something hurtful. He is the man I wanted him to be for the first 30 years of our relationship. He no longer flirts nor goes out to bars alone. There are boundries with coworkers now that were not there before. Really I could go on and on but it just takes a long time. There is nothing set in stone about revovery…everyone is different.

      • Doug

        Thanks for chiming in Broken. You are a great long-time reader/member and I appreciate you sharing what you have learned.

    • Cookiemomster

      Here’s my progress report:
      14 months post-D-Day and 13 months post no contact. I still have nightmares. I don’t have 100% trust, and I am sure that was a mistake in the first place. I viewed a video link from this site once and I can’t remember the speaker, but they were saying that complete trust and no vigilance at all is actually not the ideal at all. Even the best marriages must always be on guard against affairs. Perhaps that’s because the temptation is everywhere, but getting back to me…. I don’t think I’ll ever give 100% trust to my husband again and I think perhaps that’s wise. I also don’t feel that I’ll ever be completely without the pain. I’ve been doing a lot of reading about PTSD and with all the talk you see on this site about “triggers” you’ll know that all of us BS’s, in every stage of our recovery, have PTSD and that is often a permanent condition. I am currently coming to terms with the fact that some degree of the pain will ALWAYS be with me, and what I mean by always is that i fully expect to think about my husband’s EA either briefly or intensely every day for the rest of my life. My current goal is to learn to deal with that.
      My marriage, at thirteen months out, is doing well. My relationship with my husband right now is good, even though he cannot be any part of the sadness that remains in my heart. He has NEVER been able to “verbalize” his sorrow, regret or anything having to do with his EA. Talking about it is absolutely forbidden. On the other hand, he gets points for what he DOES, rather than what he SAYS. He has been attentive, loving, thankful, affectionate, etc. each and every day for about six-seven months. I’m 99.9% sure there has been no further contact with the OW (and it will never get more than that because I will NEVER again trust anyone 100%… that’s just stupid).
      Bottom line: Those of you that are new to this (and my heart always ACHES for you) need to realize that no matter how much you WISH this had never happened, it HAS! Nothing will change that and nothing will ever allow you to forget that. Work on yourself and your relationship with your spouse and do your best to accept this as a permanent part of your life without letting it RUIN your life. Best of luck and all of my prayers and best wishes for all of you. I would never wish this on anyone, but at least we have each other!

    • blueskyabove

      Hurt does not heal hurt.  Dwelling on the negative did not speed up my healing.
      Because it’s one of the basic universal laws that ‘like attracts like’ we affect others with our negative energy.  I see it all the time on sites dealing with infidelity.

      Even though it is the general consensus on most boards, forums, etc. that the betrayed spouse is a victim, the hopelessness and helplessness that accompanies this line of thinking merely leads to apathy and depression…not healing.   Allowing myself to continuously be subjected to this programming that I was a victim made the negativity even harder to combat.  I learned early on in the healing process that the payoffs I was getting from thinking of myself as a victim did NOT propel me forward one iota!  They just kept me stuck in victimhood.  Once I was able to realize this, I stopped reading books and articles about affairs, and began reading about human behavior in general.  I became more knowledgeable.  This knowledge carried over to our employees, customers, friends and family.  My perspective changed and my world started expanding to levels I never even imagined were possible before this event rocked my world.  I don’t believe that I or my perception is special in any way.  I am just another betrayed spouse who decided that what I was doing wasn’t working and believed there had to be another way to overcome the nightmare I seemed to be living every day.

      I  started questioning my thoughts which led me to understand the ego and it’s purpose.  Before this, I always thought only the “look at me” people had enormous egos.  I was wrong.  I also thought the ego was personal.  I was wrong again.  I discovered that the ego thrives on conflicts.  The ego needs enemies in order to survive.  An ego run amok is a clear indication of low self-esteem.  The ego lives in the past while projecting our fears into the future.  Personally, I was tired of all the conflicts in my life.  My self-esteem had dipped to an all time low and I was terrified of what lay ahead for me in the future.  It became evident to me who or what was running the show…and it wasn’t ‘me’, it was the ego.  I  discovered that I could do something about the direction my life was heading.  One of the first things I did was refuse to continue to call myself a victim.  If I wanted control of my life then I had to give up certain things that were holding me back.  I had to get honest with myself and stop lying to me.

      Although I don’t watch his show I happen to like Dr. Phil, BUT the potentially volatile statement, “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior” is only true to a point.  If you’re a BS this is exactly the kind of statement that incites conflict, anger, resentment, and probably TV ratings.  As human beings we have the capacity to change, to grow and evolve if we so desire.  I decided to take his statement and look at it differently.  Could I turn it around and use it to my advantage?  I wanted to change and grow.  I no longer wanted to keep living with MY past behavior.  I wanted an opportunity to reach my full potential.  I wanted to know what it felt like to be excited about life again!  I needed to learn how to get out of my own way.

      My whole life had been spent trying to please others…my parents who both died while I was young, my oldest sister who was old enough to be my mother, my H’s parents and siblings whom I felt never accepted me for me.  I was an outsider.  I wasn’t of his religion.  I wasn’t born and raised in his incredibly clique home town.  I wasn’t even from his home state.  I felt I had three strikes against me from the beginning and I had no one to turn to for understanding and unbridled acceptance.  I plodded along for decades relinquishing my sense of who I was just to be accepted.  I just wanted to feel accepted.  I never, ever, felt good enough.  Now I was learning to take responsibility for my thoughts.  No more blaming others.   I discovered that I was my biggest stumbling block.  This turned out to be good news because this meant that “I” was in charge.  Yes!  This was empowering!  I was no longer at the mercy of others and this was a freedom I had never before known.  Who would have ever guessed that my husband’s incredibly selfish choice would lead to my greatest freedom!  God truly does work in mysterious ways!

      If I was going to start being honest with myself then it became essential to understand that I couldn’t force my spouse to change his behavior to suit my idea of what constituted morally ethical behavior.  We weren’t raised in the same culture.  He had to want to change on his own.  I could state my preferences, but he didn’t have to agree with them.  He always had the option of leaving – as did I.

      When a person is in the throes of unimaginable pain and suffering it is instinctive to want to protect yourself.  But I stayed in that frame of mind far too long…even when the evidence was right before me.  I refused to acknowledge that my H was making an effort to be a good, responsible husband, that my physical being was not in danger, that I was NOT a helpless, hopeless victim.  I cannot express this enough…believing yourself to be a victim is one of the most debilitating, dangerous things you can do to yourself!  Make no mistake, this is something YOU are choosing to do to you. This is something you are telling yourself about you…and it’s not true.

      You are magnificence personified.

      I understand if you don’t believe that right now.  You’re hurting and the future looks bleak, but what if this time in your life is the perfect opportunity for you to reevaluate your life?  Maybe you would never have acknowledged your worth had this situation not been forced upon you.  Maybe life would have continued in the same old unfulfilling way as you looked after others while neglecting you.  Maybe this is your soul trying to tell you to take a right at the junction up ahead instead of staying on the current path.  Maybe this is your wake up call.  I can tell you from my personal experience that it changes my entire outlook of the situation to think that maybe it isn’t about his selfish choices, it isn’t about what they did to me, ultimately it’s all about my personal growth.

      Maybe the experts are wrong, and despite how it might initially appear,this really IS all about you.  

      • Doug

        Great stuff Bluesky! Every “newbie” should read this.

      • theresa

        Not just for newbies! I’m adding this to my top 10.

    • Gizfield

      Bluesky, I understand and can appreciate what you are saying. I even agree to a point, but I believe that “hurt can heal hurt” and that doesn’t make you a victim. My personal experience is that I have been a “strong person” and pretty much moved on quickly from whatever crap life threw my way. The role of the victim is not an easy one for me. When my first husband died, I felt like my past with him was behind me and that it or he couldn’t hurt me anymore. I was wrong. I was more depressed and basically messed up more than I knew, and launched into a series of various self destructive behaviors. I now believe that Trauma that is not dealt with appropriately will convert itself from mental to physical, and builds up over time. People STILL think I am a happy go lucky person with out a care in the world. And I kind of am. But positivity can only cover up hurt for so long before it breaks on through. If you move along too quickly from your trauma it

    • Gizfield

      Oooops, hit the wrong button. Anyway, if you move along too quickly, the trauma buries itself more deeply, til it seems like it is engrained in every cell in your body. I believe I have complex post traumatic stress syndrome, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. It’s very real and very harmful. But different things work for different people. One thing that lets me know I am really messed up is that I NEVER cry. Not even one little tear, for a couple of years now. Very weird.

      • Cookiemomster

        Well said Gizfield. None of us wants to be a victim. This is why spousal participation in our recovery is so important. If they don’t involve themselves we have to bury a lot of the issues that need to be dealt with. If you do that you can guarantee that the issues will rear their ugly heads in other ways. Post traumatic stress syndrome is real and like most emotional disorders, seems easy to dismiss until you actually suffer from it yourself…. then it’s another story.

    • Karen

      We’re 30 months from discovery of his EA. i still have many triggers and this morning I was crying in the shower telling myself I am exhausted. Recovery has been slow because he hasn’t stopped contact with the other. He denies the EA. he claims they are just friends., even though he gave her our address so she could send the cops to talk to me.
      I have been driving past her house trying to see what she was like. She became a drama queen and said I was stalking her. Once a month is not a stalker.

      I have started enjoying “ladies night out”. I have also started to let some minor things go such as a perfectly clean house. I’m working on me more than us. I’m taking a solo vacation this year . I need to be me without all of my titles (mom, wife,employee). I am exhausted and really thinking I’m done with this mess. We tried marriage counseling, twice.

      The few things that keep me here are the kids and every now and then I see the person I married, not the selfish guy he became.

    • Strengthrequired

      I’m sorry Karen, I have to say that was unfair of your h to give her your address. He should he supporting you not having er send the police to talk t you. Where is his priorities.
      Yet I will say that my h has apparently stopped contact with the ow, at times I’m not so sure. So recovery for me appears slow too.
      Yet I see why you stay, it’s the children and those moments where you see the man you married. I relate to that. I have told him that I need more from him, he tells me I have nothing to worry about, but unless you see it with your own eyes, you have difficulty believing it.
      I’m glad you are getting the chance to go away on your own, enjoy it when the time comes.

    • Gizfield

      Karen, that is truly disgusting behavior on his and her part. One thing I learned a long time ago, is that when a person’s spouse defends their Turd (ie, “affair partner” ) what they are really defending is themself. They are a package deal at this point, if she isn’t doing anything wrong, neither is he! The most delusional thing my husband ever said about his Turd was that she had “the highest morals of anyone he knew”. What???? I thought, this is an intelligent man. he cannot possibly believe that. Then I realized, hes not gonna say she’s a whore, or whatever, because then HE is associating WITH whores. Unacceptable to his mind, so therefore she has high morals and would do Nothing Wrong. It always comes back to them, and their ego. Always.

      • SamIam

        Eye opener! “One thing I learned a long time ago, is that when a person’s spouse defends their Turd (ie, “affair partner” ) what they are really defending is themself. ”

        I hadn’t thought of it that way. I heard him defend her in a way he never defended me. He kept saying it isn’t her…she is a good person, she is nice, she didn’t do this! Hello!! He wanted to believe it wasn’t him after all he is a nice person! (so nice he got into trouble with an EA~~ ha!)
        Thank you..this may help with one of my sticking points

    • Gizfield

      When he told me she had high morals, I said “what mak es you think that, cause she wouldn’t f#@k you?” Then I told him “just so you know, that doesn’t mean she has high morals, it means she didn’t want to, lol”. Also, if she had high morals, she would not be sneaking around with a man SHE KNOWS is married, discussing SEX with him. Ewwwww. I told him she either doesn’t like sex, or was boinking another guy. She like the “girlfriend” benefits, without the “girlfriend” obligations. She can deny it, but I know that is the truth. I dont need anyone to confirm it.

    • Gizfield

      The one thing the Affair Partners HAVE to share is the “okay-ness” of what they are doing. No one else thinks it’s ok, or neither would they if it were someone else doing it, but their situation is “different” or “special”.

    • Caper

      Monday morning…blues. It’s good to read comments and know someone is there. I am not alone.

    • lost

      I can relate to a lot of you. It has only been 7 months since Dday, and still each day is a struggle. My H has tried so hard to put aside what he did, and move on. He has been so caring and loving and understanding, but I still can’t seem to remove facts from my head. I have tried a journal, counsuling, and of course talking with my H, day after day. He has got to the point that he can’t talk about it anymore. The OW was someone that looked for him on FB, a girl friend from HS, back 25yrs ago. It was so hard to realize that he would let someone come between us, but he did. Our relationship was ok, but in kind of a stagnant stage. Kids, work, financial problems, but never in a million yrs did I have any idea, that he would have a EA, it was all through FB, and texting but they talk about making up for the time they missed together, and since it had been so long, she could “teach” him a few things. Today, he get discusted with himself for what he said to her, but it doesn’t take away from, that he did this. I am hving a good day today but, it comes and goes very easy. All your post have have me to deal with this awful situation, and also has giving me hope that it will be ok, and I can move on and my marriage can get better

    • Gizfield

      Thank you, SamIam. Dang Android phone gave me trouble with your name, lol. I love it when something I post is helpful to others. I know a lot of things other people have written hsve really helped me !

    • The Village Idiot

      My wife is the greatest. She has stuck with me from the first time I was discovered through many other EA’s . As the idiot I am I thought I could keep up the affairs and feed my so called starving ego. But, thank God, she was smarter than me and discovered all I was trying to hide. I’ve read every, single post on this blog and it sickens me to hear the pain and anguish of each and every one of you caused by idiots like me. It brings back all the lies that I’ve told and all the tears that were shed by my wife. I have so much guilt that it’s hard for me to look her in the eye. I have so much guilt that I feel that I need to let her go and let her find someone that will treat her the way she deserves to be treated. Sometimes I can’t even think about what I’ve done. I’m so ashamed. C’mon all you other idiots, look at what you’re doing, try to remember why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place, remember all the good times, think of your children, think of the person that was there when your were sick, think of the one person that would do anything to make you happy. Get rid of the others that don’t care about you. Get rid of the idiots that would run in the face of turmoil or strife. I did. And now I miss the one that I love because we are not living together. I’m an idiot. And I have to live with what I’ve done.

    • Gizfield

      Well spoken, Village Idiot. Like the doing says, You never know what you’ve got til it’s Gone. My husband thought he could continue running with the nasty trollop he affiliated himself with, and that it was just all alright. I finally just said Enough! He spent a month sleeping on his mother’s couch. I was honest to god done with him. This seemed to snap his ass out of his delusions regarding him and his Special Friend. After all, they had that STRONG bond of living in the same apartments 20 years ago, lol. If I had any one piece of advice to someone just starting on this journey it would be this: if you have given your spouse a chance, and they abuse it, they need to be out of your house and life for a while. It is the best way for the to realize

    • Gizfield

      Ooh, it’s early. S’/b like the song says, lol. Also, it is the best way for the spouse to realize what crap the Affair and the Affair Partner really are. My husband when he came home was a different person. good thing too because if the asshole he is when he is running with that bitch came back, I dont want him. Too bad they dont have to live with what they’ve created. I will never forgive him, or forget what he became. Eeeew, nasteee….

    • The Village Idiot

      Sometimes my self-absorbed thoughts were caused by frustrations that could have been resolved by common sense conversations with my wife. She had children from her first husband and I had none. I didn’t have the experience or know-how to handle teenagers which caused pressure. Sometimes I felt as if I’d jumped too fast into a world I wasn’t prepared for. I believe it was one cause of my infidelity. I felt that I slipped from number one to number 10 in a matter of days. But we all know how childish that is. I want her children to come first. But being an egotistical man deep down I wanted to be number one. So I cultivated relationships with other women that made me feel like I was the center of their universe even it was a short-lived fantasy. And I think I was addicted to that feeling. Not only for the sexual excitement but for the boost it gave my ego. I love my wife but there were times when I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted. It wasn’t all about the sexual attention but about where I rated in her “importance chart.” Sounds silly but that’s how I felt. So I would find women that was craving attention from men. And I would prey on their vulnerability. They would make me feel as if I was their sole focus, their Knight in Shining Armor. But I know now how stupid that was. Remember cheaters, we cannot live in a fantasy world all of our lives. We MUST pull our heads out of the sand, or other places our heads are buried, and look at reality. I love my wife and want her back.

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