Hello Everyone!

It’s time for our weekly discussion. Here goes…

It’s hard to argue with the notion that trust is the backbone of any good relationship. Trust can be easily broken and extremely difficult to rebuild.

After the affair there can be many obstacles that prohibit you from being able to rebuild the trust in your marriage. It could be that the cheating spouse is not being transparent, there may be much arguing, you are still being lied to, or there still may be contact going on with the OP.

With this in mind… What is the single biggest obstacle standing in the way of restoring the trust back into your relationship? Feel free to explain if you wish.

Please also comment to one another!

Also…Please remember that the Linda is being interviewed by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, tonight at 5:00 Eastern time. You can sign up for it by clicking here. There are only a few of the 100 available spots left!

Thanks!

Doug & Linda

For more information on rebuilding trust after an affair, check out our e-book “Journey to Trust:  Rebuilding Trust After an Affair” and learn how we were able to regain trust in our relationship.  There are also some great bonuses included where experts share some of their valuable  trust building strategies.  Click here now!

 

See also  Discussion: Double Standard For Men and Women Cheaters?

    31 replies to "Discussion: What Stands in the Way of Restoring Trust After the Affair"

    • D

      For me it’s feeling like I am a priority in her life, or at the very least the marriage is.

      My wife feels like she has put the affair behind her. There has been no contact for five months, she accounts for her whereabouts, she talks with me when I need it. We have both struggled mightily but we are both still here. Yet, I don’t feel I mean all that much to her. She says she’s no different now than she was before the affair. That may be so, but then maybe she needs to work a little harder. And that’s the thing: if one’s car breaks down extra attention is needed before it can run the same way it did before. Yet, I’m not getting that extra attention. I don’t feel I’m a priority. And if I don’t feel that way, why should I trust her because clearly I wasn’t much of a priority during the affair, either.

    • Karen

      Fear in my case. My H has done most things right since D-day, yet I haven’t regained even an ounce of trust yet, and it’s been 4 months since D-day of a 2-year EA. I’m not even sure I’ve forgiven him yet, which I read must come first before rebuilding trust. Working on me right now and thinking with time and lots of research and reading (thank you, doug and linda) I might just get there some day. Hopefully.

      Any chance Linda’s webinar will be recorded for us West Coast folks who have to work during the realtime webinar?? Go Linda!!!

      • Doug

        Karen, What’s been in the way from you trusting him again (besides the affair itself)?

        We should be getting the link to the recording from Dr. Huizenga, and for now, we plan to post it on Friday–hopefully.

        • Karen

          Besides the fear that he’ll go back to the EA or start a new one?? Isn’t that enough?? 🙂 Seriously though, I think I have such a huge wall up to protect myself emotionally, that it will just take time and continued working on our marriage for the trust to start to come back. My H is not perfect, and he has made missteps since D-day, especially in small half truths and one big reconnect with the OW (he says to tell her to leave our family alone . . .yeah, right), and all that seems to set me back immensely in my recovery so that rebuilding trust just goes to the backburner as a nonstarter. Does that make any sense? When I point out the need for 100% transparency, my H agrees – I don’t think he has any intent in his half-truths, but they do damage me. I’ve got to work through that. Constantly reminding myself that I’m worth it as a woman . . . regardless of what my H ultimately does.

          Hope the link works out as I’d love to hear Linda. Will be thinking of her today while I’m at work.

      • jay

        Karen, I know exactly how you feel. It has been 6 months for me and my husband has also done most things right but I don’t have any trust back either. I know that I haven’t forgiven him. My life has been turned upside down because of his EA and I resent the fact that He was the one who screwed up and I seem to be paying a very high price for it. I am still angry and I am still very sad, but I too am working on it and even though there was a time that I was ready to give up on everything I keep trying everyday.

    • Heartbroken

      Linda,

      I listened to your discussion today with Dr. H. Thanks so much for your honesty and willingness to share such a difficult subject. During your conversation, you mentioned the post-affair triggers that randomly set-off a memory from the affair.

      I’m just over a year since discovering my wife’s emotional affair that unfortunately did also become quite physical. The 1 yr. date and the months following it have been quite difficult for me to deal with although her transparency and commitment to repairing the marriage are both notable and positive.

      How do you deal with those triggers and focus on the rebuilding? Sometimes I get so overwhelmed I don’t know how I will make it through the day. Those triggers, more so actually than my wife, seem to be holding me back on rebuilding that trust.

      Any suggestions would be so appreciated!

      • Doug

        Heartbroken, the triggers have been very difficult for me as well as focusing too much on the OW. I just recently tried to figure out why I can’t let it go, why do I keep punishing myself. I began to wonder if I were focusing on the triggers and the OW to divert my attention to what was really bothering me. Have I really addressed the issue of what the affair really did to my feelings concerning Doug. Have I forgiven him, have I given up the fantasy that he is not the perfect man and has caused me such much pain. I know that in order to try to save our marriage I had to put some of those feelings to the side and now that I feel somewhat secure in our relationship those feelings are starting to surface. I have figured out that I really have to put the affair behind me and begin focusing on our new relationship, falling in love with Doug again, the man I know isn’t perfect and knowing what love really is. It is hard to admit that my feelings for him are not the same as they were before the affair, and I have learned that is ok. I believe that my feelings will be stronger, more real, I love him for who he really is not the illusion that I had in my head. Linda

    • Bullhaulerswife

      For me the single biggest thing is my H’s attitude. The EA started 1 yr ago, it was about 6 weeks in when I discovered it. I have done everything wrong yet he is still here. He never really ever made an attempt to meet this OW or move out. He has had very limited contact with her for the past 2 months (supposedly because her husband completely prevents it, hahaha) yet he still only makes a half hearted attempt at our realationship. How am I to begin rebuilding trust with someone who will not give me one reason why I should. He says he is trying to be here and if later things change and he ends up with her then “it was ment to be”. That does not sound like a committment to work on our marriage it sounds like “I will ride this pony for as long as I can while I am waiting for a better ride to come along” Also he admitts to still having deep feelings for her and trying to contact her from time to time. So I am constantly looking for signs that they are communicating, and I always think he is lieing to me about nearly everything. It doesnt help that he has lied about so many things in the past year. I also feel like the amount of time we have to spend together doesnt help. He drives truck and when he leaves on Sunday night I normally dont see him until Friday night. And where we used to talk on the phone dozens of times a day he now limits me to 1 phone conversation a day. He might text me off and on all day but it doesnt seem like much of a connection. There is no transperancy or willingness on his part to give me an inch of anything that might begin building trust. What can I do?

    • Michael

      Best guess-

      My wifes guilt and shame have been the number one reason we struggle with trust. She won’t talk about it. Or, she believes we’ve talked about it too much. She wants to bury it and move on. Well, she her own best example that hasn’t worked. Her words to me “I worry that you will hate me more” bring to light that there is more to it than I know.

      She knows she hasn’t earned that trust. And I don’t think she knows what to do to earn it. Hell, I don’t know what she need to do to earn it.

      My fear-
      I fear that for the same reason she hid it for so long then continued to hide it and lie about it after I found out is the same reason she still won’t talk about it. I fear that she still loves him. And avoids it to keep from feeling those feelings again.

      I know I haven’t earned her trust either. I know that she can’t open up to me because she fears that I will hate her and leave her, just like everyone has done to her in the past. She won’t open up because she won’t let herself be hurt again.

      She doesn’t love herself so she will never feel loved.
      She will never seek help, because she feels she doesn’t deserve it.
      She won’t ever fight for it because, she doesn’t feel worthy of it.
      She will never tell me the truth, because it scares her.

      I started on this blog back in February, at a point in which I thought the lies and the affair were over. Little did I know. And the predominant frustration I have had all the way. Lack of communication and her unwillingness to discuss the affair. Doug said he let a little out here and there in the beginning. Most things I know of the affair I learned myself. I don’t know how long I can wait for her to want us as bad as I do.

      • Annie

        Michael, I wonder if my husband’s reasons for having gone quiet are the same as your wife’s? I never thought about it from that point of view. Interesting perspective, and a very valid one. My husband has also had a life full of losses, full of people who he has disappointed, full of things he has done to disappoint himself. I feel so strongly that he needs to discover himself and to heal himself before we can even begin to heal our marriage. I have suffered, and the pain at times is unbearable. I feel that he does not give me enough love and attention now, especially since he works 1000’s of miles away in another country, and I only see him for a week to 10 days every 3 or so months. He works with the OW and I fear that even though that relationship does appear to be over, I fear that he is trying to find another one to fill the gap. It seems to me he will keep doing this until he repairs himself. I am not sure whether I can allow myself to be open to the hurt that I go through , and if there is another OW, I will have to give up. How many times should one forgive, even when one knows that your spouse can’t help themselves, and needs to heal first.

        • Michael

          Annie,
          We are right about the time it started a year ago and getting close to the day I found out.

          Its my belief that I should and will continue to show my love in the hope that she will feel it. At the same time I believe that I need to change my approach to a more proactive and non judge mental friend. Its doubtful that we will go back to counseling soon. She isn’t ready to face her demons.
          So today I started with some easy questions, in text. Surprisingly she was more willing to open up. It started well and I could feel her being fairly honest.
          Then we got to a question that her response kinda evaded the answer and also left me wondering who she was referring to, me or him. When I told her I would ask it a different way, she avoided that part of it.
          I’m not sure if she wasn’t focused, because I didn’t know where she was at that time, but things got off track so I left it alone.
          Well try again. And I hope to get to a point where we are ok to talk about it face to face. But I do see a difference in her now. And maybe now its a little easier for her to talk.

          • Noles

            Hi Micheal,what you explained about your wife sounds so much like me and although i have tried to answer all the questions that my husband has asked me,i am not ready to see someone profesionally yet as i fear what i will discover about myself.I never had a very loving upbringing and do not know if this is part of my issues in life.I am however trying to change and show my husband the love he deserves,but still fear every day that one day he will decide that he should never have given us another chance,although he says different i just fear this amongst many other things.

            • Michael

              I know my wifes upbringing was rough. She had a lot of family issues to handle. She did not have that loving family to show her how to be a great wife. She was hurt by so many in her life that she defends herself at every corner.
              The past is the past yes. You can’t change what has happened. And you can’t hide from everything new. But you can live and learn.
              You don’t need a tharapist to figure out what’s wrong within. But it can help you heal.
              If you can’t be weak to your husband, who can you be weak with? I know she fears that by telling me how she feels I may leave her.I may hate her, I may not love her anymore. But, is that a good reason to never be as happy as you can be. Shouldn’t you be able to feel safe and secure that if you mess up, he will still be there. And is stil there.
              As men, we can put up with a lot. But there comes a point where we want to be happy too. And if the one your with isn’t happy with themself. How will they help us feel happy.

            • Michael

              Noles,
              Courage is-
              Courage is walking into a fire knowing you don’t have to. Knowing that if you don’t, someone inside that fire will get hurt. Knowing that if you don’t you save yourself the pain. And you go anyway.

              Courage is-
              Telling you husband / wife the truth when the consequence is more hurt, and/or being left alone in the end. Knowing that if you lie they might never know. And telling them, because its the right thing to do.

              Pain let’s you know your alive. It let’s you know that something needs to change.
              To avoid pain, is to avoid living.

              Live your life.
              Love yourself.
              Life is to short for what ifs.

            • Noles

              Thank you Micheal.Your words are so true.I am very glad in the aspect that i decided to be honest and have revealed ALL the details to my husband as i was advised that this would help the healing.I intend going to see a therapist to discuss why i am so hard.I have done the 40 day Love dare and through that i have learnt alot of things about myself and where i had made errors in our marraige.So at this stage we are still in the rebuilding phase and i am hopeful that i will contunue to grow each day and that i can show my husband why he decided to stay with me

    • Lorraine

      Found your website through Dr. Bob. I actually spent last night and today reading through posts. It was an emotional journey to read others’ post where discovery was a new event. I am 3 years into the journey. It will be 3 years from my spouse making the decision to break off the relationship in November. I have overwhelming sympathy and compassion for anyone still in the beginning stages. Lots has transpired in my life. I hope to offer my experiences to others as something to learn from, as I am still processing my list of regrets, as well as accomplishments and celebratory moments an the things of which I am proud to have done. Will commit to participating as much as is possible…. My heart goes out to you all…

      • Doug

        Lorraine, Thanks for stopping by and offering your experiences for others. We really appreciate it. We look forward to learning from you as well.

      • Doug

        Lorraine, I have been praying for someone like you. There are days when I wonder has anyone really survived this, and are there people who are finally feeling happy and secure after their marriages have been devastating by an affair. Dr. Bob said I was doing well after two years, but some days I feel like it happened yesterday. I know that it is a very long process but I feel like it will never go away. I try to look at how far Doug and I have come both individually and as a couple, but there are times I feel we have a long way to go. We could all benefit from your insight and experience. Linda

      • NotBroken

        Lorraine, I have been hoping someone like you would come along. I need to know if after three years, do you still feel the same? Does the pain lessen? How do you deal with triggers? Thanks for your help on this.

    • Noles

      I still feel that i need to do alot more to regain the trust.It has been 13 months since my affair and i have never had contact with him again even though i work with his mom.My husband and i are working very hard and i have found that he tells me that every day he thinks about what i did,but that he feels that we will get through this.I know i need to be patient and i also need to be a changed person.I have tried to be as loving and open as possible and never avoided any of his questions.I think this helped with the healing and i just hope that as each day passes i can be a better person.One that would be worthy of his love

    • Kelly

      For me the biggest obstacle is lies. Lies to cover up lies. Every time I ask questions I get a different answer. The only time he talks about his multiple EAs is when I ask questions. I found out about his affairs when I was sitting next to him on the couch and he was texting someone. When I moved closer to him, he went outside and continued to text. When I asked him about it, he became very defensive and I became suspicious. He left for a business meeting the next morning and I checked his phone records, bought a spyware program to read his text messages, read his email, his Facebook account. When I confronted him, he denied everything. I had to literally read the messages outloud to him to get him to admit to what he had been doing. Everything I know about his affairs, I have had to find out on my own. He has never willingly offered any information. He tells me he will do anything to repair our relationship and restore my trust, but he does nothing. I tell him that I need for him to tell me the truth without me asking him a million questions. He tells me that I already know everything. He swears to me that there is nothing left for him to tell. Then I find out there is more. He says, ” I didn’t tell you because I was afraid to lose you.” I can handle anything he tells me if he is being honest. He can’t hurt me any more than I have already been hurt.
      He has the balls to look me in my eyes and lie to me, but is too afraid to tell me the truth. I have been patient for such a long time. I don’t know that I can hold out much longer.

      • Noles

        Kelly i really feel for you as believe me it was truly embarrasing to be asked the questions i was asked.I only had one slip up one night on a business trip and have never ever seen the guy again.It pisses me off that i was so stupid and that after 21 years of a faithful marraige i would screw it up for something as meaningless as it was.I sabotaged myself too in that i told my 16 year old daughter what i did ,maybe i knew she would tell her dad,which she did.There was no evidence and i could have denied it as it was in Zimbabwe and no one knew about it,but i chose to be honest as lies i knew would come back and bite me in the arse.Hubby moved out and after 3 weeks he decided that he did not want to throw the towel in.It has been 7 months since he found out and over a year since it happened and has been a long hard road,but i have alot of work cut out for me and i am determined to maybe earn my trust back one day and prove to my husband that i do love him and that although i hurt him terribly i want to make us last,no matter what.I have done the 40 day love dare in which i learnt alot of things that i had done wrong over the years and maybe that is why our marraige had become too relaxed and we lost touch with each other.

      • Jessica

        I now have those same feelings. I was wondering has it gotten better? Just again today I asked him for the truth on something that thru snooping on his linked in account I found put he lied about. He got mad at me because in his mind things were going good. I want to rebuild trust and I’ve told him he needs to be honest about even the small things.

      • StrugglingForAnswers

        Sounds like we are in very similar situations and I don’t think the outlook is good. Are lies a part of other areas of his life? I hae said all along that I don’t see the other women as the biggest problem, it’s the lying that I have a real issue with and believe this is why I cannot move past the fear and sadness phase.
        What spyware can you get to read text messages?
        I am currently battling with trying to take him at his word. Trying to find some happiness and imagining the heartache our children would suffer if we divorced. I’m also finding it difficult to feel proud of myself and resent him for putting me in a position to have to live with the discomforts of half truths and stooping to spyware.
        Can those who have been in similar situations let me know if over time the marriage survived or not?
        Thank you.

    • mlb

      mine uses my lack of trust as a tool to humiliate me. I checked the history on her computer and found her checking the name of the bastard on a court access site. Also, the names of two other guys who she talked with. She told me she did it because she knew I would check her history. (she checks my history every day)

      I can’t describe how I felt when I saw that. My heart raced again, the total feelings of ultimate betrayal returned, I was ashamed of myself for trying so hard and the result is having this thrown back in my face. It was a terrible thing to do and it hurt me deeply. I don’t know what hurts worse, seeing those names again, or the fact that it was done to deliberately trap or hurt me.

      She seems to think that I should just have complete faith and trust instantly again. That I should stop “smothering her”.

      I recently completely cried out to God and threw myself at his feet. I saw how my lack of empathy at times hurt my wife and vowed to her that I would no longer sit silently if she were hurting. I would just hold her and let her show it regardless of the reasons for her pain. Just because I may not agree with why she is feeling something doesn’t mean I shouldn’t show her compassion and sympathy.

      It doesn’t seem to matter what I do or say. She needs her “space’ to figure things out. Shouldn’t I be the on contemplating this?
      I sleep in the adjoining room feeling like I am a dog left outside.
      Last night she said “you can sleep in here if you want”. It felt like I was being given permission to sleep in my own bed with my wife. It hurt me. We argued. She said that she can’t say or do anything without me getting mad. I just can’t believe that she can’t see how I feel about this. I would give anything for her to actually invite me to bed because she wants to be close to me.

      I’m SORRY, that it is taking longer than she’d like for my trust to return. I’m supposed to fix everything about myself that “drove’
      her to this affair, yet I need to just move on and stop having “tempter tantrums” and acting like “a two year old”.

      The knife just keeps going deeper and twisting in my heart.
      My job right now is to be on my best behavior and sit and wait for her “loving feelings” for me to return. What a bunch of bullshit. After what I just went through, shouldn’t it be me who no longer has the loving feelings? Shouldn’t it be me who should be the one trying to keep a distance to prevent myself from being hurt again? Shouldn’t it be me who is the one who purposely withholds any type of intimacy?

      What kind of bizzaro world am I living in?

      I talk to nobody about our situation, but she shares it with a former mutual friend who know longer will talk to me because I’ve been made to look like a damn monster. I can’t even level the playing field by expressing many of the reasons why I’ve felt so distant over the years. Sexual intimacy is so important to marriage and it has been put on the far back shelf for over a decade. Being rejected night after night in bed tends to build resentment.

      I will not give up on my wife and my marriage. I just wish I felt the same commitment. She doesn’t know that she’s killing me.

      • bullhaulerswife

        I feel for you & your situation. It is very hard to find a starting point when there is so many obsticales. Just 5 months ago I was where it sounds like you are now. But have hope because today my marriage is a completely different. What changed? He, my husband finally quit seeking out the other women, and then he began seeing how hurt I was, then slowly he began changing his attitude and actions. Do I trust him yet? Not completely, I still check up on him. Is the trust being rebuilt? Yes, because he no longer cares if I question him or check up on his computer, cell phone activities. He even will discuss what I find willingly until we both feel good about every thing. It sounds like your wife is still in a spot where she doesn’t see a point in making things better (she doesn’t remember being happily in love with you). Swallow it all & try to show her that you love her unconditionally & believe that eventually it will be returned to you 100 fold. It took 3 months of me holding back & just loving my husband & reminding him of our history before he began to truly open up & try to help me. Start to refill her love bank. The best info I read & applied was we each have a bank in out hearts where love is stored, and we can have a high balance when we are shown love or we can have a negitive balance when there is constant negativite and nothing loving going on. So a urge you to work on your own issues quietly, pray for your marriage & it’s recovery & show your wife you have change by being loving. I pray things will someday improve for you.

      • Yuki

        Mark, I know you are not a monster. I can feel your hurt and your sincerity in your words. It seems your wife has hardened her heart to the point that she can’t feel it, and she is even trying to get back at you for things from the past. That is just her pain acting out. If she really didn’t care, she wouldn’t argue with you. Those are the relationships that have little hope – the ones where there is no arguing- they just don’t care anymore.

        I think her telling you that you could sleep in her bed was a nice gesture. If she truly had no feelings for you, she wouldn’t care that you were sleeping in the other room, or how you felt about it. Think past her tone – that was probably harsher than she intended because she was on the defense, in anticipation of an argument – how would it be to accept the gesture? I would respond if my husband just let me feel his presence next to me. I absolutely hate it when he turns his back to me in bed, and I hate it when he tries to hold me when I’m mad. But when we argue, if he still lies on his back with his hand behind his head – so he can easily slip his arm around me if I move toward him – my heart is always softened and I want to reach out to him.

        I understand what you mean about this bizzaro world. I am struggling with that one right now, too. How is it that I’m the one doing the work to save our marriage when he was the one who screwed up? I’m the one living with gut-wrenching pain, and he can go about his business like nothing happened. But it is what it is. I have set the boundaries for us – no more affairs, no more lies. As long as we live within the boundaries, I will stay and work on us. One step out of it, and we’re done. You need to find where the boundaries need to be in your current situation.

        Do you know what her love language is? Have you tried to become fluent in it?

        You’re in my prayers, Mark.

    • mark

      Thanks to both of you.

      Yuki, Saturday was the worst day of my life. (Is that possible that I can keep having days that are worse than my previous worst?)

      I felt in my gut that something was wrong last week. Even though I was doing everything right I could feel something that was off. My wife and I had been communicating better, I was so hopeful. Then we came home Friday night from my sons basketball game. I was on the couch, she was in the recliner with a blanket. Her cell phone was on the corner of the table where I could see it. However, I could see a glow from under the blanket and her eyes looking toward it. I looked at the table and back at her. I knew something was up, but couldn’t say anything. God forbid if I was wrong, than I would be accused of smothering her again. I let it go.

      Saturday we took our son to Madison to see a college. It was a nice trip. We came home and again were in the living room. I heard the click of a cell phone being closed. Again, her cell phone was on the table. The next time I heard it I quickly went to her and pulled the blanket down. She hid the phone between her legs and looked me in the eyes and lied to me. She said it’s nothing. She said she got another cell phone so she could talk to her best friend again. She said she knew I hated her and didn’t want me to know she was talking to her again. I knew it was bullshit immediately. I didn’t hate her friend. Last summer I did resent her a lot because my wife used her friend as her excuse of her 24 hour a day texting. I was led to believe that her friend was the one coming between us.

      So, I went into the salon that adjoins our house. She swore that the phone was because she was afraid to call her friend on the other phone. I explained to her that I don’t care about her friends… I just want honesty. She said she was sorry. I then asked her to show me the phone to prove that it was just for Pam. She refused. Right then I knew I was being betrayed again. My heart dropped.. my legs went weak. I couldn’t believe this was happening again. She sat on my lap facing me… desperately trying to throw me off course. She asked to go to a movie and put this behind us. I refused. I told her we can settle everything right now by showing me the phone. She continued to refuse. She tried to portray it as a privacy issue.. like she didn’t feel like she had to show me everything. This time I stood my ground. I refused to settle for these lies. At this point my 17 year old son came into the salon and told us both to knock it off because we were scaring our 14 y/o twin boys. They could here me yelling through the wall. This was a horrific scene. My son had to hear all about the cheating that had been going on. He already knew about what I found out in September, but now he had to find out that she was doing it again…..right in front of all of us.
      I went crazy. I told her that not only did she not value our marriage, she did not value our family. She did not value our children because she could disrespect their father right in front of them. I can’t tell you how terrible this ordeal was.
      She went from telling me that she wants the marriage over to ending up commiting to me and our marriage. There is so much more that happened, but this is the recap.

      After my son felt safe enough to leave us alone together, we sat and talked on the couch and she told me she is committed to us.
      I think I believe her. I know how ridiculous this must sound to an outsider, but I think she is finally broken to the point of realization over what she has done. I think a huge part of this was her seeing her son validate all of my opinions in front of her. I believe this made her see the pain she caused from a new perspective. My son told her that what this guy was giving her was not real. He asked her if the guy was married. She said yes.
      He then asked her if she really wants to be with a man who was already cheating on his wife. She didn’t know what to say. He told her that he would have nothing to do with her if she left and ended up with him.

      I kept hammering over and over that I can still forgive her. That I continue to love her and value her and value our marriage. I kept saying that our vows are for better or worse. This is the time to stand up and live that commitment. I was so desperate. At times I was so despondent that I screamed out that I don’t even know who she is anymore. I told her that she had no heart, no soul. It was so ugly.

      This probably makes no sense to read. My mind is so disjointed.

      After this hellish three hour scene ended…. she laid with me on the couch for a few hours. This hasn’t happened in so long. She held me in bed and told me she was committed to us. Sunday she went to see Wicked with her sisters. She came home and actually wore a negligee to bed and we made love for the first time in forever.

      Am I crazy for believing her? Am I a fool? I’ve already been a fool twice, am I making it worse for allowing myself to be open to this pain again?

      I have such a hard time reconciling how she can say she wants to seperate at one point in the argument to her full commitment to our marriage at the end. My mind struggle so much with that one. However, my heart feels her sincerity for the first time since this nightmare started. My heart has been pretty good at spotting lying and insincerity. I am positive my wife knows that now. I think I sent a real scare into her when I no longer fell for the deceptions. This time, I feel sincerity.

      Once again, I hope I’m not coming across as illiterate. If I had more time I could write so much more about this with much more clarity. I’ve left out so much. I just need to put it down.
      I need some feedback.

      I’m giving this marriage another try. I can’t back off of that. I made a vow that my kids would not have the kind of life I had.
      I’m the only member of my family who has succeeded in marriage. I want my kids to see that rough times don’t mean you just give up. I have to run now… Sorry for the novel.

      • Doug

        Mark, I want to commend you for holding your ground and not allowing her to make you feel guilty or out of line for invading her privacy. I firmly believe and Jeff has also said this the cheater needs to fully understand the pain and consequences in order to change and get on the right track. Often I feel that the spouse is trying so hard to save their marriage that we make it too easy for the cheater, therefore they really don’t experience the repercussions of their behavior. There comes a time when you need to display your confidence and power and let her know that you want to save your marriage but will not tolerate the affair any longer. I really believe that the cheater does not understand the consequences of their actions, they almost feel invincible that they can do anything they want and and everything will be alright. I wonder where they get this confidence but you need to show her that you have a plan and you also have power over the situation. I am going to be very honest with you but even though she has appeared to be on the right track she may have a setback and try to contact her lover again. Doug did this for some time, he said it was a process, and I regret not standing my ground and telling him that I wouldn’t tolerate this any longer. I wish you luck. Linda

    • Miquel Rogers

      Its been 2 yrs since D-Day must make a decision soon. The images are not stoppable (real not imagined).

      Please see below, last theraphy session set a timeframe to pulling the ripcord on marriage still love wife but cannot get over the following.

      **She was gifted to another man by friend, see the following article written.

      Short version of longer post.

      He would whisper in her friend ear “I would love to f**k her”. They were at a friend house to who was away.
      Her friend stated she is married to which he responded “so what”. There were more drinks and smoke, he is now hitting on my wife. Yes, the giggles were happening and small talk.
      Now her friend stated to them would you like to be alone there is a bedroom no one is there and you can have fun “hey go do it”, the man takes my wife hand and escorts her into it. Now there was no resistance or fighting it was a sacrifice.

      They had sex no less than 6 times that night as he took my wife into bedroom for his pleasure she went with him openly to be penetrated again and again. No use of protection nothing more than my lowered into an animal mating status.

      Can you imagine the imagery of this? which was colabrated via people at party.

      I have seeked many orgs yet not can help, even a mental specialist reccommended I watch her at swing club seeing many having sex with her. This is like a forest fire where they line burn in attempt to put out. The image would destroy the affair one and under my control.

    • Recovered

      My H will never do it again. I know it. Yet I have so much resentment because he doesn’t even realise what he did hurt me badly.

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