It is clearly evident that most of you stayed married after the affair (85% based on our last survey).  It is also apparent from survey responses that the majority of you feel that the state of your marriage is either the same as or worse than it was prior to the affair. Thought to be fair, there was a large portion of you (about 45%) who felt your marriage is better now than it was before the affair.

So our discussion for this week…

For those of you who feel that your marriage is better…  How? Why?  What did you do to transform it into something better than it was before the affair? How long did it take to see improvement, etc?

For those who feel that your marriage is about the same or worse…Why?  What’s stopping you from reinventing your marriage into something better?

Please also read the post below from our old friend, Marriage and Family Therapist Jeff Murrah and make any comments you feel are appropriate and applicable to the discussion topic.

Please be sure to respond to each other in the comment section.

Thank you all so much for your contributions!

Linda & Doug

 

Revive Your Marriage?

By Jeff Murrah

Modern society is often obsessed with finding ways to suddenly revive or fix what is broken around them. You hear of ways to revive your sex drive, revive your lifestyle, revive your diet, etc. When you hear about all these products that promise to suddenly revive what is messed up or broken, it seems logical that you can do the same with your marriage. Here is the problem with that kind of thinking.

See also  Open ‘Mic’ Discussion #4

Suddenly reviving something, especially relationships often becomes ghoulish. What you don’t realize is that the old relationship and old marriage are dead. They are gone. When you revive the dead corpse of what was, you have something more akin to Frankenstein, than you do to a healthy marriage. Since a marriage is a relationship, it will take time. With each interaction, the warp and woof of your relationship are formed. You can make a choice to try to make your marriage work, in which case, you are looking at rebuilding a relationship from the ground up.

When people talk about reviving their marriage, you may have this fantasy that with one weekend retreat or special trip it will suddenly ‘come back to life’. Such trips do stir up the passion, yet a marriage takes more than passion. It takes more than sex. It takes more than quick fixes.

If you expect a quick fix, you are in for disappointment. The two of you will have to build intimacy interaction by interaction, you will have to learn to enjoy each other’s company again. The two of you will have to improve your ability to communicate along with increasing the frequency of communication and improve the quality of communication. Each of you will have to learn how to be honest and how to be vulnerable. If your weekend retreat can do all that in the time the two of you are gone, good for you. If you are able to do all that, you are exceptional.

When marriages are damaged to the point of an affair, it will take hours of trial and error in opening up the channels of communication. There will be the ups and downs of learning how to deal with anger and forgiveness. It will take days of sharing each other’s whereabouts and activities for trust to form once more. It will take numerous interactions learning how to nurture and ‘tune-in’ to your spouse in order to feel reconnected with each other.

See also  Open 'Mic' Discussion #23

Quick fixes to your marriage are only going to give you Frankensteins. Let go of the expectations of the quick revive, and learn how to be ‘in relationship’ with your spouse. Although it takes time, it is time well spent. Time spent working on a relationship is never wasted.

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LINESPACE

    38 replies to "Discussion – What is the Current State of Your Marriage?"

    • Gizfield

      The problem I have with comparisons such as better, worse, same, etc. is that they dont give any “qualifiers” such as a time period. I think a lot of people are comparing their marriage immediately before the infidelity and now. I imagine if you compare it to different time periods, you’ll get a different answer. So, is it better than one year ago, five years ago, 20 years ago, or EVER ? I bet most people’s answer for the time period for the infidelity is what they are comparing to, so of course it’s probably better than THAT. But, ever? I doubt that, or you probably wouldn’t even have married in the first place.

    • forcryin'outloud

      Like much of what Murrah said I see my marriage in two different parts or stages. Prior to my H’s EA he was always a flirt and I tolerated too much because he was ALWAYS quick to negatively judge cheaters and philanderers. (No more tolerance for that!) I believed in our vows, took them seriously as well as our marriage. I put my heart and soul into it. After the EA affair I learned my H had never done that. I remember his words, “I have never been ‘all-in’ this relationship.” He always had, at the least, a big toe dangling on the outside. So essentially I believed in something that didn’t exist. I put my efforts into an illusion.
      Now all the dirty laundry is on the floor. The unresolved childhood issues, fear of abandonment, jealousy, disrespect, poor communication, fear of failure basically all the garbage that got us here. For the relationship to continue it’s been necessary to tackle each issue and work on it. And that doesn’t mean that each issue is brought up, resolved and we are skipping through the daisies. It’s a daily brick and mortar rebuild. It’s communicating which we did poorly but now we stumble through it with mostly success.
      This process it’s not for the faint of heart. However, I see my H for who he truly is now. I know his deep rooted flaws and have a better understanding as to why he has them. Ironically, I have a great deal more empathy for him. I’ve let go of the old relationship built on blind trust. And my H has learned that relationships need both party’s involvement and effort.
      For me it’s our marriage pre-EA and our marriage now. They each have a different place in my heart and the history of our marriage pre-EA gives me reason to continue on. I guess I would say it’s a marriage divided into two parts. A tornado ripped through it leaving debris scattered everywhere. The choice is whether to take that debris and glue it back together knowing it won’t be as strong as it should or salvaging the good bits and rebuilding with stronger material.
      Oh yeah last question, how long has it taken? It’s been over 3 yrs post D-day, because all the other tiny tornados in life don’t put themselves on hold for you to clean up the massive mess.

    • Patsy50

      My marriage is definitely better then before the EA.
      The old marriage became “stagnant”. We had to let that marriage go.
      The new marriage is “alive”. We have communication, respect, appreciation, fun and a deep love for one another.
      Not that these things weren’t in our first marriage they were, some not first priority as the years moved on. We had to make these a priority again in order to see each other in a different light, a new marriage.
      It’s been almost 3 years since my husbands EA and I think there will always be room for improvements in our marriage, you just have to be aware of them.

    • Paula

      I believed, and still do, that we had a good, very good relationship for 20 years, then a very tough year. But I thought that was it, just a tough year. He saw it as a relationship disaster and decided that meant he could try someone new. So I am in the far worse situation. I understand Jeff’s Frankenstein analogy. And I know what we had is dead. But we couldn’t rebuild something better, and boy, did we both try! We have a loving, caring, honest deep friendship. But our relationship as lovers and intimate soulmates ended. The grief is still very raw and nearly unbearable, and it is more then four years here.

    • C

      Paula. I’m so sorry to hear your story. It’s what I fear will happen with my husband. I, too, thought we had a great relationship for 18 years with one bad year. The pessimist in me fears that no matter how hard we work, and for no matter how long, we will never be able to create the “new” marriage that Doug and Linda, and others, have successfully created.

      For you Paula, what was it that made it impossible for the two of you to become lovers and intimate soulmates again?

      For those who have been successful in creating “better” marriages, what do you think was the key?

      Thanks!

      • Patsy50

        I am one of those who have created a “better” or should I say “new marriage”. The key for us was once we both decided to make a go of this relationship, and I mean husband had to, it’s a must, want this as much as I did, let go of the old marriage. Mourn everything about it. I had to ask myself, is this person worthy of another chance. Do I even want to start a new relationship with this person. Do I dare open myself up to being hurt one more time. Husband has to do whatever it takes to start building this new relationship then one thing leads to another for the better. I don’t know if this new marriage will break down again but I know I will always be aware or will there ever be another EA but I am willing to give it all that I have to give right now and hope for the best but also know when it’s time to call it quits.

      • Paula

        C, a myriad of reasons. We were on the right track for the first twin years. Then I kicked him out. I had had enough of the pain. He chose to drive the three hours to her house and sleep with her again within days. That got her completely out of his system. He was free and she meant nothing. But I have big issues from my past, including a violent rape by someone I knew and trusted. The OW was a childhood friend of mine, but also his ex gf. I trusted both. We all went on holidays together. I put myself out a lot to help her – she is a single mum. I felt they made a huge fool of me. I dealt with one sexually transmitted infecting. Then found they had also given me HPV. Despite constant screening, I got an early form of cervical cancer which has required many invasive procedures. Byte the good news is all is going well on that front now. I think I lost a great deal of respect for him. I thought he was the love of my life. I want no one else. But the mind movies eventually lead to my inability to engage sexually. I had to mentally leave the room. So I called it. He sounds like the most gigantic shit. He was for at least 15 months. But he worked his butt off to try to right his wrong. He owned his behaviour. He made changes. He went to counsellors. He did everything I asked, and SO much more. But I couldn’t heal. I don’t think I ever will full. But I make the most of what I do hav

        • Paula

          Sorry. Phone issues! Hope the gist is clear. I make room for the smallest pleasures, the most minute happinesses. And I am thankful, incredibly thankful for all he gave me, and still does with his emotional support. Of course he took a lot, too. But glass half full here 🙂

          • DJ

            Hey Paula – sometimes – maybe most times – we do not fully heal. We learn to live with the scars. And in your case, the hurt kept coming back to throw you down again and again with all you’ve had to endure in the aftermath. So I think you’re doing great. More than great… Love & prayers for you… DJ

            • Paula

              So lovely to hear from you DJ, and yes, totally, healing does not look like a “brand new one” it is what it is, and the scars are deep and real. But life goes on, and you have to try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And no, I don’t have much of a “real life” support system, but I do have a couple of AMAZING online friends, and I doubt I would even be alive without them. I don’t know what happened to people in this situation prior to the internet, lol. Probably a lot were in mental health facilities, not kidding!

        • C

          Paula. I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I think you hit the nail on the head when you write: “I think I lost a great deal of respect for him” Respect is critical to any relationship, especially one that requires some mending/healing. It does sound like you are still struggling emotionally from this betrayal and other things in your past, and I hope with all my heart that you have a support network to help you. Best of luck.

          • Paula

            Sorry for the jacking here! But, C, thank you. The thing is, I had dealt with all of the difficult stuff in my past, quite sensibly, quite thoroughly, and with a lot of thought, self-compassion, etc. Or so I thought. This has dislodged so many big trust issues that I thought I had sorted. He was the one person I trusted to NEVER hurt me, and I feel like I chose badly, but in reality, you can never trust anyone, they will all hurt you, I’ll leave you with one of my favourite quotes from Bob Marley,

            “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”

            I thought he was, but maybe for me, there is no one worth suffering this much for, I don’t think I can cope with the pain, so I choose not to go there again.

    • DJ

      I can’t say it’s all better, or that it’s all worse. It’s not the same, either. It’s just a whole different marriage.

      Some things are better than it ever was. We are more considerate of each other than at any time since we met and we spend more time together now, too. I am a school teacher and cannot leave campus for lunch so he brings me lunch a couple times per week when I don’t have time to brown bag it. He enjoys the fact that he knows exactly what I like to eat and how much. So he first asks if I am craving anything in particular. If not, he surprises me with food from a wide variety of places. We sit in my classroom and enjoy a quiet meal together. I put a tablecloth out and some relaxing music and we focus on each other. We have never done that before. My coworkers think it’s the cutest thing ever. For me, it sometimes feels like he is trying to make the best of it by appeasing me with services and gifts. But sometimes it’s wonderful.

      The pain of his affair still weighs on us after almost three years. He does not share his feelings and he is far from transparent. In his fight for his “rights,” he has thrown me backwards time and again. So I still hurt. But it’s not all the time anymore. I hurt when I think about it, though I don’t think about it as much these days. These are probably reasons why he feels he needs to appease me with all those services and gifts.

      I don’t know if we will ever be able to say we are healed but we do feel we have something worth keeping. When we are not dealing with a trigger or memory that brings pain and tears, we enjoy each other. We are passionate and physically loving. I have also made a commitment to personal happiness, with or without his efforts. God helps me live it and live it well.

      • Doug

        Hey DJ! Long time no hear!

        • DJ

          Hi Doug! I’m glad to be back. I have missed you guys. The time away, though not my idea, helped me to think things through. I am grateful to have what I have in my life. One of those things is EAJ and our blogging community…

      • livingonafence

        My marriage is very similar. In so many ways it’s better. He’s more attentive as am I. We make much more time for each other. We used to laugh at people that said marriage was work. Now we work our asses off. It’s really everything I ever wanted in a marriage. Except…
        The EA is always there. There are always triggers. There are days when I don’t want this ‘new’ marriage, or any marriage. I just want him to leave me the hell alone. I push past it, or take a nap. I’ve learned to wait until I know the annoyance is real and not some knee jerk reaction before bringing it up. He knows when something has triggered me, and usually just kisses me and says he loves me, and he’ll ask what’s wrong but no longer pushes it. We both know we could fight, but what does that do? We’ve said it all, screamed, cried, you name it. There’s nothing left but to wait for more dulling to occur.

        My H also doesn’t share his feelings – never has. That’s what made the EA so hard – he spend countless hours pouring his heart out to her. I suppose it’s easier to tell a virtual stranger about your world than someone that may reject you. Insecurity is a bitch, huh?

        My H has set me back plenty as well. More in the earlier days than now. His fight for his own dignity was at my expense. Too bad because a lot of that hurt is still there as well. He was fighting to NOT be the sleazebag that did the things he did, and I was fighting for the sleazebag to admit how awful it was. I lost that one. In spurts I won, but the war? Not really sure. He’d definitely say I won. I guess that’s because affairs create only losers in every direction.

        • DJ

          LOAF – your thoughts are so familiar – they are so similar to my own. We love, we work at it – and still there are triggers and setbacks. The way he poured his heart out in words of love and longing with promises of forever… I still cry. Yesterday I read an article here on EAJ by that therapist who followed couples after they were done with therapy… she talked about one man who suffered “inconsolable grief” long after the affair and counseling. I could relate to that. It’s all been said and done, and yet tears fall at some point almost daily.

          It sounds bleak, but though we may have horrible scars from our experiences, the pain is not as bad as it was before. As you said, things dull over time. We can, in fact, live on and find happiness in spite of it all. That is the current direction of my journey. How about you?

          • livingonafence

            Exactly the same. I would give anything to have just one day where the thought of this doesn’t enter my mind. Sadly, I think most days it doesn’t enter my H’s. He’s happy to just move on. Sometimes I wonder if my staying didn’t somehow ‘prove’ that I love him, which is sick really. The only way to prove love is to go through immense pain? Again, insecurity.
            At least once a week I daydream of leaving him, but at this point I know it won’t happen. Not solely because of the EA. Something else, yes. I doubt it would take much honestly. I couldn’t go through this again, I know that for sure. The trust would be non-existent so there’d be no point. I have to give it to people that have been through multiple affairs and somehow manage to hang on. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
            So basically I just wait, and every month it seems a little less painful. It’s not nearly as bad as it was in the first 2 years. I hope in 2 more years it’s much less than now. Who knows, maybe in 10 years I’ll hit that day when I don’t think about it, even just for a day.

            • DJ

              Again – exactly the same. I was thinking about leaving this morning. Like Paula, I have lost some of my respect for him, and he does not do the things I need to see to change that opinion. He is wonderful at acts of service, but I don’t see him working to figure himself out or looking for ways to assure it doesn’t happen again. I don’t see him trying to speak my love language or trying to learn what will help me heal. I believe he does want that, but it’s all on his terms… as it has always been. That selfishness got us where we are now. So while we have relearned how to enjoy each other, trust and security are still sticking points in our lives.

              If I ever go a whole day without thinking about it, that would be amazing.

            • Melissa

              Same here, if only there could be a day when I don’t think about the EA. D-day was four years ago. My H travels a lot and this time of year when he’s at a big trade show is a particular trigger (will ‘she’ be there? what else is he hiding? what is he up to?). This year I managed NOT to mention my fears to him and not to show vulnerability but it does not mean that it’s not there in reality.

              Like most of you, I still think of leaving. I probably won’t but the belief that I shall if he has another EA is strong. I couldn’t go through it all over again.

        • theresa

          LOAF I’m very happy you are here!
          I struggle with this adversarial approach when trying to work through relationship problems. I’ve said it here before, we are not participants in a war ( or are we?), an athletic event, a debate….. You get the drift. So when I hear “you won”, was he the prize?

          • livingonafence

            ???No. I was talking about this ‘war’ that occurs after an affair where one spouse struggles to be heard and one struggles to not be the horrible person that could cause such pain and destruction. Sorry if that was confusing.

    • Gizfield

      Paula, I never realized your friend who was the OW was also your husband’s ex girlfriend. That brings in a whole different dynamic that they had a previous relationship, I would think. How long did they date? Was it serious at the time ? I guess ya’ll were probably in school at the time, maybe?

    • Paula

      Hi Giz, they went out for around two years, but she cheated on him with at least four guys, and it took him six months to “catch her” after he started suspecting. They were not at school, but she was not long out of school, he was in his early twenties. He says he never really loved her, it was really mostly convenient to have a ready fuck (sorry) and she lived three hours away, so they only saw each other on weekends, and not always. He says it would have never lasted more than a couple of months had they lived near each other as she is vacuous, shallow, money hungry and has a totally different value system to him. He admits that there was a weird element of revenge in screwing her again. He says the fact that he got so lost, and then I brought her back into our lives was pathetically like I put some candy in front of him when he was starving (he says he was pathetic, not that I was forgiving enough to include her back in our lives after more than twenty years – this girl tried to spread awful rumours about me when we started going out – she was extremely angry he sacked her, so she took her anger out on me, it was stupid, and no one listened to her, but I was quietly hurt by her very ugly accusations which had not one ounce of truth to them. But I am usually a forgiving person, and I know people grow up and regret the things they did sometimes in anger, or the ignorance of youth. I don’t know why I was her friend, why I didn’t keep her out of my life. I feel very foolish in inviting her back. He hated her and told me about her, and their relationship – including some private sexual details. She was never much chop in the sack, even at 20-21 (I am a year younger than my classmates, pushed forward a year.) I guess I just thought he hated her so much, and she was so useless at sex, that he would never even think to go back there, and we discussed ad nauseum the concept of cheating over our decades together, and how we would NEVER hurt one another like that. We saw a lot of it over the years. And I shared my delicate past, and how fragile I was around the issue, and my parents’ marriage and how it ended, etc. I just thought we were always on the same page. He is so very ashamed and so very sad for all we “lost in the fire.”

    • Strengthrequired

      Paula, I was thinking to myself it sounded like some sort of revenge towards the ow someway by your h, since she hurt him when they were first together. Then I read he even told you somehow it was revenge.
      Sometimes I think, why are we so good when people find it so easy to hurt those with good hearts.
      I’m glad your health has started Improving, makes me happy and relieved for you.

    • Gizfield

      Thank you, Paula. The situation makes a lot more sense now. I mean I was a little confused.

      I found a really good article on a site called “After the Fog”about complex ptsd that explained a lot. How new traumas and old traumas build on each other and comingle.

    • Gizfield

      Paula, I’m not trying to cause you any pain, or question your judgement, but have you considered the possibility that your H Is not being totally truthful about his involvement with the OW? He could have more feelings for her than he has let on, and you may be sensing it subconsciously. You body will sometimes tell you things your mind won’t. And I could be totally off base, but the story doesn’t seem complete. I mean, driving 3 hours to have sex with someone is a pretty big commitment, easy lay or not. If he doesn’t like her as a person, or as a sex partner, what is really going on? And I can’t really see how doing this is a revenge against HER. Please know I’m not say any of this to hurt you! it’s just something that occurred to me after reading your story.

      • Paula

        Giz, no offense taken. Yes, I thought that for years, that my instincts were right and I wasn’t listening to them – I think that is kind of the essence of PTSD. Don’t worry, I have had a TON of counselling, and all you say has been thought of, discussed, dissected, turned over, kicked, pulled, teased…..He also says that she was very attentive when he started his affair with her, different to how he remembered her, of course she was on her best behaviour, focusing on him, and his needs, impressing him. He was getting a lot of positive feedback from her when he was very, very vulnerable. I was very distracted, and he hid his vulnerability from me, trying to look the big, strong man. We both know this now, he liked to look to be “in control” he doesn’t do that anymore, he tells me if he is feeling doubt, or worry. He has become more vulnerable. He drove the three hours to talk to her, to try to fine out what he had thrown away his lifetime of work and love for, his family for – she must be worth it, right? He of course took the free sex on offer, but said it was truly toe curlingly bad, she is a very cold fish and “gives” nothing, he came away feeling very dirty, filthy was the word he used, and very sad. Of course there is so much more to any of our stories, despite the fact that I have bled a lot out here for a couple of years now! So, he did care about her, for her (as did I, I felt sorry for her, she seemed so lonely, but putting on the hard front – it was no front, she is hard!) She was his support system when he was hurting, no doubt about that. And that makes me so sad. I was here all the time, but he was playing big man to me! And I was in a whole heap of pain about what he had sold from under me, so I was probably a bit combatitive, and not so easy to approach? Yeah, I know I was, I was angry at him for discounting my feelings by making unilateral decisions FOR us, not together, I felt like a pawn in his life, not a partner, and I was mad as hell! Just such poor handling of it all. And yes, the revenge thing, weird, I know, as he says, who was he hurting by taking revenge??? Aaah, not her, she was getting his best sexual performances and that seems harsh, huh? Not him, he was getting sex and attention left, right and centre. What about me? Hmmmmm.

    • Gizfield

      One thing that really struck me was the description of the OW. I thought, she sounds just like my H’ s gf. And my affair partner as well. Cheater’s. Pathological liars. Sorry lays. I can say that about h girlfriend for sure, but the way she gets dumped like a hot potato repeatedly lets me bet she is. They are both sociopaths, and they can use this to inspire Obsessive Love, or limerence, almost without trying cause they lack a conscience about doing it. all I can say is that I, and my husband, were both “madly in love” with completely worthless pieces of trash. They say it can happen to anyone, and this story really fits the pattern. Like I said, it’s just a possibility to consider. The good news is that it’s not real, and when you are over it, your OVER it.

    • Gizfield

      Oops, should say “I can’t say she is a sorry lay but I bet she is”. They dont have a real sex drive, or are forcing it toward someone else usually. Like my boyfriend was using me, but actually usually had a primary relationship as well.

    • Gizfield

      Thanks, Paula. Yes, one thing I learned from all this is: my husband said one thing he LIKED about me is that I’m not (or wasn’t) clingy, needy, jealous, pathetic, etc. but that seems to be what he was secretly looking for. I’m very independent and not very romance oriented so I really have to work on making him feel needed. I would truthfully be just as happy not hearing from him all day at work, lol, but he is apparently going to communicate with someone so I have to do it. I guess since I had so much (unwanted) “attention” in my first marriage I kind of avoid anything that seems obsessive. I have learned to actually put more demands on him, not less so he wil feel “needed”.

    • Saw the Light (formerly Roller Coaster Rider)

      I have been feeling so run over of late, it’s hard to know where to begin in answering the question. Like Paula, I have been very traumatized and (unlike her) cannot ever be in relationship with my ex again, because I think he has so thoroughly proven to God and all that he can’t be trusted not to ‘bamboozle’ me. After D-Day 1, I thought things were better. And they were, dramatically. For about a minute. It took me five more D-Days, and another OW to boot, before I really recognized that the marriage, the remarriage, everything, was a sham. We even divorced the first time so the old marriage could be ‘put to death.’ The thing I have to come to grips with is that wanting something, no matter how badly, does not that thing create. Being together for the vast majority of one’s life does not suffice; if both people do not work hard, and if one of them cannot stop with the secrets, there cannot ever be true intimacy. I can’t decide if being here and continuing to think about betrayal is what I need and what will help me. It’s so hard for me to face the fact that my ex could manipulate me so much, and even harder to admit that all my commitment, willingness to forgive and put the past behind and believe the best were to no avail.

    • Karen

      Mine marriage is worse….much worse. 2 EA’s with the same woman — 18 years apart. I forgave the first one, but consider the second one a concious choice they made. Of course , it is possible that the first one never ended and they’ve been at it for almost 20 years, but I discovered the “second” EA on Christmas Day. At that time he said he would not give her up. He will not come clean either and shows no remorse. He becomes verbally abusive and physically intimidating when I press for the answers I need about his “EA. He doesnt want to talk about it. He just wants me to “get over it”. I want my marriage to work, but cannot heal without his cooperation. The physical intimidation is scary, although he has not really hurt me physically; however, the verbal is devastating. Don’t think there is much hope.

      • livingonafence

        Karen, has he given her up yet? Please tell us he isn’t still involved in this nightmare while you hold out hope for a happy marriage.
        You’re stronger than I am. If my husband so much as looked at OW on FB, I’d have a huge problem, and if they were in contact? Bye bye. I couldn’t live with that – again, you’re stronger than me for being able to deal with that.

    • AnnaB

      My marriage is better than it was because we were in a huge rut, due to ŵork commitments and two lovely children. He was bored and ended up having an EA with a work colleague, who I knew. That made it a double betrayal, and once the overwhelming grief started to subside I felt intense anger. He was extremely remorseful and is making a huge effort to make it up to me. It has been two years and I really appreciate his efforts, but if it happens again it is over, and I will tell her husband. It took almost two years for the anger to start to lift, but I still hate her with all of my being. I would love to bump into her and watch her squirm. When I initially found ou, she changed jobs and sent me some texts saying she was sorry. Well, that doesn’t wash with me – she’s a liar and that’s that. The triggers still happen but are less acute, although just last night I cried in the shower just thinking of how little I meant to him during that time. But today I feel positive, and can imagine us growing old together. However, any change in behaviour, such as him making a phone call from the car, or coming home late fills me with dread. I feel nauseous, my heart races, and I start sweating, which must be so unhealthy. I don’t think the fear and mistrust will ever go completely, which seems very unfair, considering he’s the one who did wrong, but I actually feel happy sometimes, which I thought wouldn’t happen again. I used to be very happy-go-lucky, whereas now I’m more cynical and less tolerant in general, but hopefully the new feisty me will keep him more interested than the sweet trusting person I was before…

    • Sadsomuch

      I have a question. Do other cs say that they don’t know if they are still there out of a sense of responsibility or if they really want to be there? My husband says he just doesn’t know the answer to that. He says he loves me and our family but just isn’t sure he can be happy here. Well hell! I am not sure I am happy here either but I didn’t go looking for someone else to make me happy. Anyway, he is in counseling, both single and couples, and I am living in the moment but not sure how much longer to give him to “find himself”. Seems unfair to me to give our kids the appearance that all will be well when we both know it may not work out at all. By the way, my D-day was June 21st so I know in terms of time its pretty new.

    • EyesOpened

      Sadsomuch (I am a CS so this is written from my perspective ) – It will take your h a while to come round. The emotions are just so raw right now. A few months ago he was exchanging fantasy plans with his ow – they seemed very real. He saw a way to ‘escape’ from any unhappy feelings he was experiencing. He will see one day soon that those Hollywood film images were fictional – but until he realises they were – he will be confused. Every moment he feels unhappy – he will be wanting to escape to fantasyland (at the moment he probably thinks that the unhappiness is derived from his relationship and lifestyle) – but over time, the penny will drop that his unhappiness is within himself – his self esteem, his childhood issues. etc – he will realise that even with the ow those issues would still be there (or become even worse). It will take a lot of time and patience – you just need to decide if you think he’s worth the effort or not.

      When he finally ‘gets it’ – there will be further recovery time whilst he gets familiar with his new understanding and outlook of himself and others.

      Then at the end of all that – you need to decide if your new h is who you want.

      Just my opinion – bit if he’s investing all that time in counselling and he’s being honest and not just saying what he knows you want to hear – it seems as if he’s committed to fixing it .

      • Sadsomuch

        I think he is trying but I think you hit it when you said I need to decide if he is worth the effort or not. I am afraid that he isn’t worth the effort. We have been married for nearly 22 years and I have been the “workhorse” of the family. I have been the one that has run the household, cared for the children, etc etc etc. And yes I have always had a full time job also. I just have to wonder if there isn’t a better fit for me out there, or would I just be happier alone with my children. I guess I don’t have the patience for the process because I want that woman out of his head, out of his heart, and out of my damn marriage NOW!!!! He is going to counseling and he says he has to fix himself before he can try to fix our marriage but I just don’t know if I have the patience to give him the time to do it. I feel badly or even guilty because I just want this to have a resolution one way or the other. Thanks for responding to my post. I am so new to all of this and my friends are getting sick of my one track mind.

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