Discussion: What Are You Most Fearful Of After the Affair?

Hello Everyone!

Today we’re going to revisit a topic that we have had a couple of times before. Since the readers on this blog tend to “cycle” through, as well as new readers joining in regularly, we thought it would be good to get some different perspectives about what you fear the most after the affair. Or perhaps you joined our previous discussion on this topic and your fears have changed over the last several months.

After discovering your partner’s affair, you are consumed with a myriad of emotions, thoughts and feelings. At some point, you more than likely became afraid. Afraid perhaps of what the future might hold. Afraid that your partner might leave you for the OP. Afraid that your family will be broken apart.  Afraid that your relationship will never be the same, etc.

With this in mind…

What are your biggest fears after the affair?

Are your fears logical and justifiable?

How are you and your partner addressing these fears?

Thank you very much for your contributions!

Have a great day!

Linda & Doug

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59 Responses to Discussion: What Are You Most Fearful Of After the Affair?

  1. Tryingtoowife September 14, 2011 at 8:44 am #

    I fear that my broken heart will never be fixed completely and that my life till my end will be lived under this dark shadow. That I may have moments of happiness but I will never, ever find inside myself the peaceful happiness I once felt with my husband. That this new me will never quite fit inside my skin, so I will always feel like a shadow of an older self, or feeling like a fake created character, to to rescue what was left after the destruction. I want to find peace again, but I am still working on the very difficult issues of trust, forgiveness and the definition of love. I fear that I may never find it inside myself and I fear of having a broken family too.

  2. Kristine September 14, 2011 at 9:44 am #

    My fears are not the same today (1 yr and 2m after reconciling) as they were immediately after reconciling. My fears then were he hadn’t really cut off contact with the OP the way he said he did. I was very suspicious and my emotions were on HIGH ALERT. His phone was still a raw spot as that was a big form of communication as well as when he’d leave since he’d leave to speak to the OP by phone in private. I did not feel secure and feared I’d find out later he was continuing the adultery or even communication since I knew she was NOT going to pull back just because he had decided to return to his family. I wasn’t sure if she was still pursuing him or if he was trying to fight reaching out to her. It was all a huge clusterf*ck of fears back then.

    Now, I don’t have those fears. My husband has been very transparent to regain trust and I do know he cut off communication the way he said he did. He tells me where he is going, where he’ll be, how long, and is always checking in, sending me photos when he’s places to prove he’s where he says he is. I really don’t need him to do those things any longer but he still does them from time to time.

    I won’t say I have a FEAR per se but my CONCERN today is that we will find ourselves back in a place where he’s unhappy about something in our marriage or with me and he won’t say anything like he did for years. Therefore, it’s very important my husband does the “ME WORK” he needs to do on himself to find out why he went for years without communicating effectively and learn HOW to communicate his thoughts and feelings. That will give me huge security in knowing that he’s being honest with himself AND me. I feel like for years I was duped even before the adultery! I was living my life thinking all was well and it was on my end but not my husband’s. That’s not fair to someone to leave them in the dark so those are my concerns. That he won’t do the hard work on himself and won’t stay on the course to make sure he doesn’t t travel down that path of non-communication again.

    So far he is, not as much as *I* would like him to but I find investigating myself and analyzing my emotions and where things stem from interesting and rewarding, my husband does not. It drains him emotionally so I understand why he doesn’t spend as much time reading and delving into things as I do but I already see much improvement and I’m thankful for that and I know if we continue with the counselor and we both keep working on ourselves (and that also means me giving him some leeway and not a lot of demands for things to be done MY way and in MY timing) we can’t do anything but come out further ahead than we were and will continue to keep seeing progress.

  3. Notoverit September 14, 2011 at 9:58 am #

    My biggest fear is that my married life will not return to normal (whatever that is). I guess I worry that we won’t ever be comfortable around each other like we were before the EA. We are working on it with a psychologist who is making us do exercises to regain the closeness. It is kind of hard because we are both so leery of each other – me because of the the lies and deceit; him because he’s afraid I’ll have a melt-down. But we are trying!

  4. RecoveringMommy September 14, 2011 at 10:08 am #

    I think my biggest fear is that I don’t know the whole story. Well I guess more so, that a few years from now when I’m healed from this whole thing, that I will find out that what I know is not the whole truth. I don’t even think it stems from anything my H has or hasn’t done. I think it’s more of the fact that there are things in my past that have unfolded that way. I was in a 7 year relationship before I met my H and there was a situation in that relationship that every time my ex and I talked about a certain thing that happened something would get “added” to the story. So I guess in a way I’m punishing my H for something an old boyfriend did. And I’ve apologized to my H for that.

  5. Norwegian woman September 14, 2011 at 12:30 pm #

    My biggest fears are that I will never ever be safe and secure again in my marriage. And…
    That he will do it again at a later point. Or that I will discover that its more skeletons in the closet that he has not told me about.
    Really, I will not be able to continue my marriage if either of theese fears shows to be real. I have one year to decide. (I have given it two years from D-day).

    I really cannot take any more lying. And as my self-esteem rise, I feel more and more certain of what the outcome of lying and decieving will be.
    I was looking at some pictures of one of the women on facebook the other day. I felt a glowing anger. HOW THE F…. DID HE DARE DO THIS TO ME!!!?! How could he lie to, degrade and decieve his wife and mother of his two children?!? At moments like this I just feel contempt for him.

  6. Losing Hope September 14, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    All of you have brought up fears that i have myself..
    Im petrafied to find out if my H really turned this into a PA when he flew halfway across the country to “see what it was”
    Hes givin all kinds of reasons why he didnt turn it into a PA. But the more time goes on, i dont swallow any of them.

    I think i am done with trying. I dont feel conected to him anymore. I just dont feel it. He “finally” told me he loved me the other day. I told him”dont say that to me right now” so he stopped. I guess i wanted him to claim his undying love for me like he did with the OW. No chance. He didnt even ask me why i didnt want to say it back.. ouch! But im to the point where he doesnt seem to care, so im done trying. it has to be mutual effort.

    The OW is comming to our town for a visit at the end of the month. Found out thru spying online. I KNOW that he knows she is comming.. (mutual friends) He has not said one word..
    Im going to be low key till she gets here and if i find out he sees her our marriage will be done.

    My fear is hell try to suck me back in to his web of lies and make me love him again. i think i need to move forward with my life and be happy. Im sick of carrying around all this bagage. its exhausting. Especially when he wont help me carry it.

  7. Veronica September 14, 2011 at 1:13 pm #

    I’m afraid he’ll go back to her. I’m also afraid he’ll hold things in again and let it build.

  8. Candace September 14, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

    I fear that my trust will never return. Just last night, he was running late with our daughter at a school function and I sat at home thinking the worst. When they got home he apologized for not calling and stated that he did not realize it would affect me that way. I told him right now he has to call me any time the schedule is changed or running late. I hope this is not always going to be this way, but right now everything is too fresh and I am struggling to trust again.

  9. mil September 14, 2011 at 2:16 pm #

    Amongst all the worries I share with all of you, I also worry that the my constant insecurity and need for reassurance will turn him off.
    It is a well known fact that confident, independent women are attractive to men but the CS’s actions turn the BS into anything but.
    Although I’m sure my H adores me, I worry how long will he go on doing so if I am some clingy, insecure woman. Having said that, I am confident, popular, attractive, intelligent and respected at work, the lack of confidence is just anything to do with the EA issue.
    I hope his love for me is not out of remorse, guilt and pity or that he feels it is the right thing to do. I want him to love me with an all consuming passion, TBH I don’t THINK he had that with the OW, I think it WAS, as he claims, a stupid game and fantasy to pep up their mundane lives and lack of affection from me at that time (I hope to god I’m not being naive about that as it would doubly break my heart, one of the few things that I cling to is that he wasn’t madly in love with her and he said if he would have been he could never have stayed with me even if he didn’t end up with her).
    Doug, when Linda was behaving insecurely, clingy etc, was it a turn off which made the OW seem even more appealing and even after the EA had finished, did Linda’s need for constant reassurance and crying etc turn you off to some extent?
    I would like to attend our staff Christmas night out in December but it’s on the same night as his staff do to which I normally accompany him. This year due to friction at work he said he isn’t going but now I’m scared he will go on his own if I’m out on mine. That’s the sort of pathetic behaviour by me that I’m on about, I am prepared to forfeit a night out with my friends because I’m scared who he might meet or strike up a rapport with while I’m not there.

    • Doug September 14, 2011 at 2:58 pm #

      Hi Mil, Boy, you’re taxing my memory on this one. To answer you question…her insecurities were not a turn off for me, and certainly didn’t make the OW seem more appealing. But that’s my situation. I can see in many situations that it could however. For me, it made me feel more guilt. I understood why she was feeling and acting the way she was. That being said, the emotional roller coaster she was on was hard for me to navigate. As Linda has said in a previous post: “In the matter of a few minutes, I would turn from a loving wife, into an angry and violent person, then into someone who would fall on the floor in the fetal position crying uncontrollably.” I didn’t know what to expect from her from one day to the next. Eventually she “backed off” , continued to be a wife, continued to show me affection, etc. but she just stopped being so emotional and began to show me that she was a confident, strong woman – which she always had been. She still at times shows insecurities even today, but I know that it is a normal thing. All I can do is try to reassure her both in words and actions. Hope that helps.

    • roller coaster rider September 14, 2011 at 9:10 pm #

      mil, for me the insecurity was a phase. I believe it will pass. If your husband loves you and understands the damage he has done, he will help you through it. Eventually, my confidence and security returned not because my H did something or changed so dramatically, but because he made me a card that reminded me where our help comes from…and I believed it.

  10. Paula September 14, 2011 at 4:33 pm #

    Just fear, fear is debilitating, struggling to get your sanity and confidence back. I fear the fear!!! This far out for me, I fear that I can’t accept the way this has changed me, permanently. There is no going back, getting “normal” this is the new normal. The love of my life, my best, best friend in all the world, let me down, and made me sick, and I don’t trust anyone or relax in any situation anymore, and I fear that this is “as good as it gets” now. All of the above, it’s silly really, as you never have complete knowledge that you spouse will not ever cheat, but now they have, and it’s a reality, it was so easy for them to disregard the good in the past once, what will stop that from happening again? Probably a lot of the old, once a cheter, always a cheater, which you may or may not have seen I don’t agree with, it’s a one size fits all statement, but this has created so much doubt.

    Also, on a practical level, financial insecurity, I can’t earn enough to provide the lifestyle my children and I enjoy currently, and that feels pretty facile, and I don’t really like that about myself, I didn’t realise how materialistic I am until now. It’s not that I need new cars, flash houses, designer clothes, gournet food, etc, but some of those luxuries, very occasionally, are nice. I am ashamed of my shallow thoughts about this, and that I even consider compromising my standards in order to keep some financial security.

    My OH is helping me with as much of this as he can. He is, and has attended counselling, read the odd book (rather parts of a couple!) He tries to be transparent, understanding, patient and very loving. He now, after all this time, realises I need him to look deep inside himself to find out the “whys” on a much deeper level than he has. His, “I just didn’t care anymore,” isn’t an answer, what caused him to get there, and what in his past caused him to act in this way instead of addressing any issues he had with me head-on, instead of seeking solace in another woman’s bed. What can we change to live fuller and richer lives.

  11. upsanddowns September 14, 2011 at 8:36 pm #

    My fear is that after seven years of being together, 5 years being married, and six months of hell while living through his EA, we won’t learn from the pain and I’ll go through hell over and over again. I fear that my H’s constant need for validation and attention will cause him to escape through the compliments and “friendship” of another female and escalate into a full blown emotional affair.

    Not feeling too great today and have been having a rough week. We had a breakthrough over the weekend regarding H’s personality and behavior and his constant need for validation and attention. H has come to realize on his own that his need for validation and attention from others (random strangers and clients vs. his family, other females vs. his wife) comes from feeling unwanted and rejected at a very young age throughout his teenage years. When he doesn’t get the attention and validation, he gets depressed and shuts me out. This is great for him and I hope he can work through breaking his destructive patterns. However, I feel like shit. I question why just “us” can’t be enough for him or if we’ll ever get there. I keep looking back to the past (even before the EA) and am overanalyzing his behavior towards others and how well he treats others vs. how he treats me (puts me on the back burner, my feelings aren’t as important as his feelings, etc). I realize that although I love him very much, he is a selfish self-centered person. I am very angry right now and am hoping we can work through this.

  12. roller coaster rider September 14, 2011 at 9:07 pm #

    I have benefitted from every post today; wanted to write earlier but didn’t have time. My fears are the same as those expressed by each of you, at different times, but aside from them, I fear not being the person I need to be to face every fear. What Paula said is what I have found to be oh, so true…there are no guarantees, and my security has got to come from something that doesn’t change. Just yesterday, I was telling my H that it seems we were chosen for one another, not because we are so great to/for each other but for exactly the opposite reason: because we have given each other the raw material for dealing with and growing past those things that were needy and were shortcomings for us. I know I wouldn’t have chosen this path, but I feel perhaps that Someone much wiser and better than I chose it for me and that I can embrace it in order to become the person I was designed to be. A little esoteric and out there, maybe, but I know that I’m going to be okay and I believe that each of you that is working so hard to negotiate these painful waters will be glad one day that you kept on trying, kept on growing and didn’t give up.

  13. Melvin September 15, 2011 at 11:24 am #

    Hi again, been lurking in the background for a while.

    My biggest fear is her contacting her ex-fiance. She understands the importance of the no contact rule and she claims to be abiding by it. With her permission, her cell is blocked from him; however, he called her last month at work. She told me right away. She kept the call short and he did most of the talking. That’s what she claims. I told her I appreciated the fact that she informed me right away, however, I don’t trust her enough yet to accept that she just listened on the call and did not participate.

    Paying the cell bill for the month, I noticed an in-bound call on a Monday morning at 8:30am from a blocked caller. This was a regular call time for them to talk during the EA. Of course, this triggered all those bad EA memories that occurred about 8 months ago and caused my trust level to sink again. I confronted her and she claims it was from some businessman who wanted to discuss business opportunities. Do I believe her ? One minute yes, the other minute no. It’s that once bitten twice shy feeling. I thought of asking if I could call him and confirm, then I realized I don’t want to play detective anymore.

    I know she still has strong feelings for him. One of her last texts to him was professing her hidden love and desire for him. As I posted earlier, they were engaged for years and were months away from the alter when he dumped her. I met her 10 months later.

    I’ve told her several times, I can’t stop her from contacting him. She makes the choice whether or not to continue to interface with him. Her choices will determine if we continue as a couple. That is all I can do at this time. Observe and be the best husband I can be. Amen.

  14. JS September 15, 2011 at 12:00 pm #

    My biggest fears are that he will do it again, that I will never be able to trust him again due to the repeated lies, that he only stayed with me because of our children and some of the perks that he would lose if he moved away from our home, that the triggers will never stop, and that I will never again feel whole and loved because the ugly words he said about me during the EA have stuck in my head 10 times over any nice things he’s ever said.

    “We” are not working through these fears. He has swept the past under the rug and expects the same of me, so when I get really down, I talk to a girlfriend or I cry alone. He has never been able to be emotionally supportive, and this has become especially true with any actions of his that have caused pain.

    I do think my fears are logical and justified. Yesterday happened to be both of our birthdays and we took the day off together. Two triggers arose: one was a phone call from the main number of the office where the OP works. They work for the same company but in separate offices, and there is really no reason anyone in that office needs to be contacting him on his cell phone for work when his secretary was in the office. No message was left and he has “no idea” who could be calling him. I think it was her. Second trigger was a happy birthday posting on FB to him from a female friend I don’t know at all, followed by him saying thank you, followed by her saying “Miss you.” Miss you? Really? You put that on a married man’s FB page for a birthday post? It feels like the triggers will never end.

    • Kristine September 15, 2011 at 1:24 pm #

      JS,

      I’m not sure how far out you are from D-Day. It would be INSANE to try and heal with those triggers going on and your husband not wanting to talk about things. I pray you’re not very far out – not because this is a good place to be in the healing process but because my husband was of the same mind frame in the beginning. He didn’t say he wouldn’t talk about it, but it was obvious he didn’t want to. He’d listen to me when I’d rant and rave but he’d always answer my questions “I don’t know” or “I don’t see how this will help!” When I’d cry he’d stand back or walk away even. It was wayyyyyyyyy too hard for him to step into my pain for him in the beginning. The way everything was so emotionally raw for me back then it was for him too to see me so hurt and hear the way he had messed up. My husband does not do well with confrontation in general and this kind of emotional confrontation was just too heavy at first. He clammed up, shut down and pulled back. I of course took it very personal and was so hurt and felt emotionally abandoned during this part of the process where I needed him most but as time let up and the pain eased up on the both of us, he stepped up more and would talk more.

      It’s very important to move past the infidelity (as you well may know already) by talking about it. There is a lot of ME work to be done both parties and some looking at the relationship to see where the “dance” may have been off in the marriage. I have learned sooooo much about myself and where some of my issues were in our marriage stemmed from. I also see where my husband’s issues played apart in things as well and we’re understanding the WHYs of the way we handled things (or didn’t handle things).

      I pray your husband will open up with more time and will assist in healing your marriage. Not just from the infidelity but from all the issues that were lurking before.

      ***HUGS***

      • Jackie September 17, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

        Kristine,
        I am 2.5 years from D-Day. What you say about trying to talk about the EA, and your H not wanting to talk about it, standing back, or walking away…all are familiar feelings. These days if I try to bring it up, he still says,”I don’t want to talk about it now.” I take it at face value, but hope some day we will be able to talk about it. Otherwise, we will not be able to learn together how each of our issues contributed to our dysfunctional marriage that we have today.

        Your words give me some hope that communication may improve in time, as the damaging effects of the EA wear off, and we attempt to put sanity back into our relationship. We still seem to be at the stage of repairing ourselves separately, while trying to re-establish the family structure and relationship. I am at the stage of wanting to repair our relationship, but H seems to still be at the stage of needing to repair himself.

        This stage is likely dragging out, because like many wayward spouses on this site, H doesn’t want to look too deeply at himself. He won’t do counseling, prefers fantasy books than self improvement books, uses various obsessive escape methods like computer games or work…and strongly avoids looking at anything that is painful to him. This includes looking at himself and things he has done wrong. I supposed that is why the affair seemed like an easy answer to his issues. Escape has been his method of solving problems in the past. I supposes that is why he hadn’t learned the lessons in the past, and now they come back and he repeats them again and again.

        I have always been a very patient person, but I have to say affairs really do put one’s patience to a test.

      • JS September 18, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

        Kristine-
        I’m one year out from D Day #3 (I was lucky enough to get to uncover deeper sets of lies 2 times). In the beginning, right after D Day, I think I felt more hopeful than I do now. I have always been the “doer” and the planner in our relationship, and I think I always knew he wasn’t very into our relationship. All the years of trying and doing and planning things for us and our family and hoping I’d see a spark that he was really committed to me and really loved me felt like fruitless effort once I found out about her. And now it feels like a giant, empty hole has opened inside me. I used to plan all sorts of things for our annivresary, our birthday (we share a birthday), Christmas, etc. It really hit me last year on our birthday (which fell in between the 2nd and 3rd D day), when he did absolutely nothing special for me and it was my 4oth, that he was never going to be the kind of husband that cares about making me feel special and happy. Of course he bought the OW a special wine for her girl’s wine night, and he took her to a bunch of restaurants he’d never consider taking me to, etc, etc, but I just don’t believe he feels the same things for me. And that just makes me so sad.

        Since this happened, I’ve told him the things I need to be able to move forward and trust him again and feel like we are working. I sometimes get them, sometimes I don’t, and sometimes when he slips back into old patterns and I bring it up, he just turns into an ass again. He doesn’t seem to care about the triggers or what they do to me, and I think sometimes I’m just spinning my wheels. I think my choices are to either accept that my marriage feels empty and probably always will, or to break up our family — something I never ever wanted especially since I came from an awful, broken family and many remarriages and I always wanted better for my kids. So maybe I should stop being so hard about myself about being “stuck” in Stage 3 and start getting a little pissed at his lack of effort to try to fix what he broke. I’ve asked so many times what was missing from our marriage or what I was doing to drive him away and all he says is that it had nothing to do with me, it was all about him and his insecurities and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. That makes me feel ever worse because it seems to confirm that no matter what I do, it doesn’t matter, and he’s just a selfish, selfish man.

  15. Losing Hope September 15, 2011 at 3:19 pm #

    Js….i went through the same..reading your post brought up a lot of memories that my H was doing in the begining. He would lie and say he wasnt talking to her, he was. Secret FB account, secret phone, etc.. Its been almost 6 months for me. I cant beleive im actually saying this, but at some point you do stop searching and trying to catch them. I guess it just takes time. you have to go through the motions. I was angry, crying, spying, questioning, everthing he did. Not so much anymore. I keep telling myself that if hes going to talk to the OW than I will find out and that will be the end.

    I know she is comming to our state soon. And im ready! I wont be clingy, but, i am going to pay very close attention. And i know this sounds like im being a stalker, but i will make sure he is where he says hes going to be. And after she is gone, if he hasnt broken my trust, ill be one step closer to trusting and loving again. But, if he does see the OW. I will throw the towel in. My heart can only take so much. i am a strong woman, professional, social, pretty, etc…

    Lately i keep it in the back of my mind that i dont need my H. I want to spend and share my life with him, but i dont need someone in my life who is going to have little regard for me as a person.

    We had a great conversation last night. I only talked about myself and what happend to get me to this point. But just that 1min statement changed his whole attitude toward me. Go figure. wish i knew how to do it again..

    • JS September 18, 2011 at 3:10 pm #

      Losing Hope-
      I really hope it goes well for you when she comes to town. I, too, keep in the back of my mind that I don’t need my H. And I really don’t need him. I’m not financially bound to this marriage, and I own the house we live in on my own. I wanted things to work because I *thought* we had something special, and we also have two young daughters and I really wanted us to be a great family, all 4 of us together. But I don’t need him to live, and I’ll be OK if it doesn’t work. I think I’m just so sad now because I am more and more doubtful that it will work.

      He still works with the OW. He has the potential to talk to her on a daily basis, and that trigger is really, really tough for me. He intially promised no contact for work at all, and I’ve found out many times he has not kept his word. I even said if he had to work with her, just tell me so I don’t have to wonder and hurt about it, and he said he would but never has. I hate his career, and ironically, I’m the one who encouraged him down this path because it was his dream job. What a fool I turned out to be.

      Anyway, I hope when she comes to town, it goes really well for you. Thank you for your comments. 🙂

  16. Sad Mad Wife September 15, 2011 at 3:45 pm #

    I’m fearful of my H and I divorcing. I’m fearful that my children will not love their father. I’m fearful I’ll be stuck with these horrible emotions and grow to be a bitter person. I fear that I have given my heart away and I’ll not get it back. I fear that he’s not being honest with me about his feelings.

  17. Wanting to heal fully September 16, 2011 at 8:45 am #

    It’s been almost a year since my husband came back after a full-blown affair, where he left to live with the OW. All in all, things have been going very well between us. We’ve been married for over 40 years, and we both can see the “something beautiful” that is available to us, having weathered the storm.
    Yet, yes, there is fear. For me, it is about the thoughts and memories that he may hold, or that are back there, about this OW. I guess the way one would use to describe that is the sense of personal insecurity that this whole thing has provoked within me.

  18. Jennifer September 16, 2011 at 1:04 pm #

    I am most afraid of him seeing that tramp behind my back, because it would cause us to break up. I do not want to raise my 7 year old daughter alone. I most especially do not want her exposed to a woman who thinks it is ok to date other women’s husbands. This behavior can affect my daughters entire future, which I do not plan to let happen.

  19. hotnmadinAZ September 17, 2011 at 5:33 am #

    i’m scared “working on it” won’t work and i’ll never live, laugh or love again.

  20. SanDra1 September 17, 2011 at 3:59 pm #

    I have been through a year of sheer hell. It all started with ‘stonewalling’ of me and the kids, with my husband glued to his cell 24/7 and texting and texting, even in front of me. He then started drinking, crying. When asked what was wrong, it was nothing. After a horrific Christmas he finally came clean about his EA, unrequited love, where a young coworker broke his heart. She didn’t want him! He didn’t know what he wanted, was lost, confused …. To cut the long story short, he moved out three months later, allegedly to sort his head out, to have some space. Left me on my own, with 3 kids. We were not to see other people. It transpired though that he kept pursuing her and she kept refusing to have a relationship with him. Throughout the separation he continued to call and text me, sometimes every day, sometimes after a few days, sometimes drunk, sometimes in tears. I continued to listen and help. In July he asked if he could come home, claiming that he loved me and that he wanted his family back. When he told the OW that he was returning home, she said she wanted a relationship with him. He is still saying that he wants to come back.
    My biggest fear? That he will continue his relationship behind my back, that he will just get better at cheating or that he will return and keep regretting what might have been with her until it all blows up and he hurts us all even more than before. She likes the ‘power’ she has over him, it has probably never happened to her before. She is divorced and available.
    I am not sure if I can overcome this fear and give us a chance.

  21. changedforever September 17, 2011 at 6:26 pm #

    11+ months past DDay of my H’s EA/PA and the hurt is as great today as its ever been. Logic in the affair world is out the window, don’t you think? ‘Justifiable’ is another…that is the exact word used to describe my H defending what he did …throughout this Twilight Zone’ episode we’re in, starring me. This ‘1st’ year has been hell. So many lies & broken promises. The AP stole so much from me…maybe its time to post your “I Hate You (AP )…” post again Linda. I never posted my list but I think it’s time to…might be a good post for all the new visitors to this site. So sad to see so many who are new…I know that post helped me process ‘things,’ tremendously.
    What I fear most? That I will never be able to “wake up” from this nightmare that haunts me constantly (I can only escape from it when I sleep,) & then there”s the wondering of ‘when’ the next ‘shoe’ will drop and will the STD kill me before this emotional pain does first…?
    God (continue) to please give me strength …

  22. Paula September 18, 2011 at 4:49 pm #

    My thoughts are with you, changedforever, I know you are coming up to your one year “anniversary” – wow, what an event to remember, huh! I know that those dates always cause unrest with me, and the first year was tough, because you hope to feel so much better by now than you do, but, think about it, you’ve almost survived a year, and learned so much, and isn’t that so great?

    Isn’t it just the craziest thing that you can’t tell your mind to stop thinking about it? I even get it when I sleep, I have the most vivid nightmares every single night. Thankfully our STI was 100% curable (and cured) but that was one of my biggest fears, that it would be a permanent or even terminal infection, I guess we were “lucky,” my heart goes out to you, it is about the worst and most selfish thing our Hs did, the emotional betrayal was pretty bad, the sexual betrayal was worse, but the idiocy of not practicing safe sex with a woman who obviously had questionable sexual practices (she was willing to sleep with a married man, after all, which by definition means he’s sleeping with someone else, so she can’t be a particularly clear thinker!) was the worst part for me, as I have been pedantic about sexual health my whole life. My H said, “she told me she was healthy,” and, “I was sure I was the only person sleeping with her,” pphhht, like that liar could tell the truth, although to be fair, she wouldn’t have even known she had what she shared with us, but COME ON, where did your brain go, oh, that’s right, as Robin Wiliams famously said once, “God gave men two heads….. and only enough blood to run one at a time!”

    I still fear that there will never be any calm spots in my life anymore, that being on constant alert (and I’m not even sure what for anymore, lol!!!) is how I will be forever, exhausting and ageing.

    • changedforever September 19, 2011 at 12:56 am #

      Paula, yes, i’ve learned so much but its not so great. I learned that the OP that my H wanted to leave ‘us’ for has a penchant for breaking up marriages, & uses abortion as “its” form of birth. control…he was aware of 4 abortions … & still had unprotected sex with ‘it.’ Mental sickness? Mid life crisis? How could it NOT have been for him. I now believe those 2 terms are relative to one another. Like you, I have always been so personally ‘careful.’ In fact, months before the affair I was deemed cancer/risk free and was able to resume annual PAP visits…now that I’m HPV positive, its back to more frequent care. ‘She,’ (& I use the term loosely,) also told my H of being healthy…even had him drinking aloe each day & popping probiotics constantly…I told him that he was obviously ‘washing out a lot of brain cells’ at that time.
      Hoping for more aggressive of a need to recover soon (on behalf of my H.) Especially as our 26th wedding anniv approaches….just can’t imagine yet how I will get thru THAT day…?
      Thanks again for your support!

  23. So Sad & Scared September 19, 2011 at 12:22 pm #

    I am at 2 wk D-Day and am an emotional mess. Our 25th anniversary is in 2wks and we had a trip planned and don’t know what to do. Do we go or not? His EA is driving me crazy – it is with his boss at work and so he talks/sees her everyday. He has promised to get the relationship back on a more professional basis but how can you do that when you see that person everyday? I love him so much and just can’t believe that this has happened. He has been very supportive with my emotional roller coaster but I too am afraid I am going to drive him away with my constant need for reassurance. This is a nightmare and I want to wake up from it and never see it again!

  24. Roller coaster rider September 19, 2011 at 3:43 pm #

    Well, the fear is my new reality. H has re-established contact and his EA/PA so we are done. I appreciate so much what I have learned here and I so wish for better things for all of you…

    • Sad Mad Wife September 19, 2011 at 3:52 pm #

      I’m sorry RCR. My heart breaks for you. Live strong!

    • Kristine September 19, 2011 at 10:36 pm #

      RCR, I’m soooooooo so sooo sorry. I can only imagine how devastating and hurtful this is. I don’t even have the words right now to try and share what I what I want to say. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I will be praying for healing for you no matter which route you go from here on out. The course is truly yours to take and only you (and God) can know which route is best for you.

      Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

      :::hugs:::

      Btw there is a website, beyondaffairs.com, they have a healing weekend for BS who are trying to heal alone. it’s something to consider if you decide to go that route.

    • tryingtoowife September 20, 2011 at 4:40 am #

      Dear RCR. Reading wise words in your posts so many times, I found inspiration to keep trying to. So sorry you have to go through this pain, and now again. But you are wiser and hopefully stronger too. You put everything in your power into healing your marriage, and you did your part to the best of your ability. My heart is with you. Take good care of yourself (as you have been doing).

  25. Paula September 19, 2011 at 5:14 pm #

    OH, RCR, you’ve tried so hard, and my heart is breaking for you. Lots of platitudes I could add here, but none of them will help you right now, I know. Just know that you are an amazing and forgiving and loving person, and that he isn’t, and it’s his biggest loss, and one day he will realise that, and it will all be far too late. Keep looking after you, much love xx

  26. Roller coaster rider September 19, 2011 at 5:39 pm #

    Thank you both so much. I am still numb, but the pain hits at night. This is all going to be like shrapnel for some time to come…

    • changedforever September 19, 2011 at 7:48 pm #

      Thinking of you & wishing you strength at this difficult time. I truly believe this is a sickness, as I refuse to believe someone that has been so close to you (to us,) would intentionally hurt you/us, so completely. Check back to this site to let us know how you are…

  27. Jessica September 19, 2011 at 6:12 pm #

    RCR
    I have been following your posts and you put so much into trying to save your marriage. How are you doing?

  28. JS September 20, 2011 at 12:08 am #

    RCR – I read your post earlier today and I cried for you. I am so sorry. Your posts have been inspirational to me. I am heartbroken for you and I send my love. I’m just so sorry. He’ll never understand what he’s lost.

  29. Candace September 20, 2011 at 12:33 pm #

    I am once again fearful of the future. Major, major set back today.

  30. Paula September 20, 2011 at 6:09 pm #

    So sorry, Candace, I hope you can cope/we can help? Unfortunately, some of our fears are very real, we’re not going crazy, and every one of the fears mentioned here, may be a reality for some of us, that is the very reason we have them! The last shrink I talked to made me realise that all of the fears I held, that I was thinking were irrational, were in fact very rational. All of the things I was afraid of had actually happened, and I was right to be fearful, whereas I was trying to fight the fear, and tell myself I was imagining things, to a degree, I was, but the imaginings were all based in cold, hard fact. We are never completely free of these fears from now on, I believe, but the thing is, maybe we never should have been in the first place? Maybe we should have all been on alert previous to this devastation? That is one of the things I struggle with, I don’t live well with the doubts and insecurities, who does? And the whys start all over, why did he not know how devastating this is, I just don’t get that, I truly believe, to this day that I would never do this to another human being, even if I disliked them, I’ve seen so much pain for so many years, in so many relationships, and it’s all so avoidable, just be bloody honest, and that pain will be WAY less than all the lies and deceit, and the damned hard work of trying to regain even the most minute amount of trust. I’m sure many of you think this is naive thinking, but I do feel that way. Trust is a weird thing, I see it as a bit like a Ming vase, absolutely beautiful, but once broken, you can glue it back together, but it is never quite as beautiful, or valuable, as it once was.

    There is a part of every day when I wish he’d just told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore, THEN pursued this woman, instead of stringing me along as his back-up plan, in case the affair relationship didn’t work out. A friend of mine pines for her dead husband, the love of her life (cancer, 18 year marriage – she remembers their special rituals and songs and phrases, and looks into her now 18 year old son’s face, and sees so much of his father there) and I, absurdly, wish my H had died after the great first 21 years we had together, and I could remember him that way, too, the slightly tipsy waltz we danced every Xmas Eve to our special Xmas song, after a glass or two of really good bubbly, when the kids were tucked up in bed, with their stockings stuffed, overflowing with goodies, the way he always snuffled my neck like a truffling pig, first thing every morning, how he would always stroke my thigh, and hold my hand under any restaurant table, company present or not, the way he most days sent me funny texts during my work day, to lighten my load – he knew how stressful my job was during the breeding season! SO very many other special tendernesses that feel cancelled out now. He texted her after our dance the Xmas they were “together” wishing he was with her, not me, he had a pet sympathy phrase, for when she was having a bad day, for her, similar to the one he has for me, he stroked more than her thigh, he texted her regularly with little dry witticisms, some of “my” specialness had been watered down, it was just all part of his seduction technique! Stink thoughts, eh? Of course I don’t wish him dead, just wish I could remember him with only positive memories, the negative ones are very heavy to bear, and no matter what I do, we can’t really “fix it” because the past can’t be undone, and I can’t seem to erase it from my heart, although I desperately want genuine forgiveness, right now, I am just tipping on the acceptance stage, and I’m not really entirely sure I want to accept it all, I want so much better than this, however, I’m working on that, it will just take more time for my “plans” to come to fruitition.

    Whoah, heavy post, apologies! Stay strong today, all of you healing people.

    • roller coaster rider September 21, 2011 at 3:56 pm #

      Paula, you have said to a tee exactly what I also felt…that “I must have never been that important or that loved if you could do what you did.” At these times, I am actually grateful I have made a decision to divorce, as much as I hate to say it and as much as I hate the thought of it. I also have to say that now that the truth is out, and he has revealed what he really wants (he doesn’t claim this but his actions have shown it) I am really glad I did all that work for the past six months. I can honestly say that there is nothing I regret or feel I didn’t do to fight for my marriage.

  31. Candace September 20, 2011 at 11:22 pm #

    Our marriage seemed to be improving so much. We had such a very nice summer. We have both been working on improving the bad habits that put our marriage in such a negative place to begin with.

    Since school has started (3 weeks ag0) I have had much more contact with the OW. I have been doing really good though and have not had any breakdowns of any sort. I had prepared myself for this. So my needless to say my emotions have been very strong.

    Well today a mutual friend of my H and myself called me to say thanks for something I did that effected his family in a good way. Naturally feeling good about this I told my H. He was furious! He was so jealous! What a trigger for me! I swear I was crying and laughing at the same time!

    Several things were said today/tonight that set us back so far. My H admitted he still thinks I am taking the EA too seriously. So I asked my H to think about how he felt today when our friend called me one time and to compare that to how I must feel from the uncountable calls/texts he had with the OW during their 6 month EA. His answer?: “That is not the same you can’t compare them.” Again I was crying and laughing at the same time!

  32. InTrouble September 23, 2011 at 11:27 am #

    I just read this discussion, and while it is mostly addressing the BS, is it ok if I post my fears as the CS?

    My #1 fear is getting re-involved with my affair partner (forgot the acronym — is it OM?). It absolutely terrifies me.

    My #2 fear is that I will never get over wanting contact with him.

    My #3 fear is that my husband will never be willing to discuss this situation. That I will always be living with it in a vacuum.

    My #4 fear is that I will never feel like a normal person again.

    🙁

    • Doug September 23, 2011 at 11:40 am #

      In Trouble, thanks for posting your fears. I read from one of your previous comments that the OM contacted you again just the other day and this had quite an impact on you. How have you handled it since then? Since one of your fears is getting re-involved with him, I hope you were able to be strong in this instance. Thanks!

    • karen September 23, 2011 at 1:01 pm #

      InTrouble: Thank you for posting your fears. And thanks for reminding us BS’s what we need to do to own up to our contribution to our CS’s decision to have an EA or PA. Now can I offer some advice on what you need to do for your fears? Stating them is a start but if you do nothing about them, then they will take over your life. The answers to your fears are easy to state but very tough to do. Do you really want to stay in your marriage and heal it??? From your postings thus far, I would say the answer is no. Can you convince us otherwise?

      Okay, here goes some tough love:

      “My #1 fear is getting re-involved with my affair partner (forgot the acronym — is it OM?). It absolutely terrifies me.”
      Get to work to discover why you broke your marriage vows to begin with (do not look at your H’s part – only yours). Narcissism? Passive-aggressive? Past hurts? Midlife crisis?? There are several online tests to determine the character trait you have that allowed you to have an EA or PA. Get down and do some serious research.

      “My #2 fear is that I will never get over wanting contact with him.”
      You’re still in the fantasy affair fog clearly and are living for the excitment and danger of another illicit contact. How do you get out of it??? Work on yourself. Once you determine what in your personality allows you to break your marriage vows, you can find tons of books and online material on how to address it. Counseling is always the best, but it is often difficult to find a competent counselor in your area or perhaps afford it financially. Get to work!!!

      “My #3 fear is that my husband will never be willing to discuss this situation. That I will always be living with it in a vacuum.”
      I was not able to start working with my H on our marriage until I worked on myself as a BS first, which takes a while. I believe the same holds true for you. Stop focusing on your H’s shortcomings and get to work on yours. Then you can do research and gain knowledge on how to reinvent your marriage. Your state of mind right now makes it way too premature to deal with this fear right now, frankly.

      “My #4 fear is that I will never feel like a normal person again.”
      Get in line on that one. No one is normal. Do you really want to be normal??? That’s no fun. So you have a character flaw . . . we all do. LOL!! Yours allowed you to do something terrible to your H, and if — BIG IF — you really want to work on your marriage and heal it, you need to get working on yourself ASAP and stop wallowing in the fantasy of your affair.

      InTrouble, can you get out of the fog?? Yes, I believe you can.
      As you can tell, I’m blunt. But I do believe people can make changes in their life. I’m seeing it in me and my H (much more slowly than I like . . . does a snail ring any bells?), but I am committed to keep working on me and protecting my boundaries and myself, and with or without my H, I will lead a great life!!! Take care.

  33. InTrouble September 23, 2011 at 11:45 am #

    Hi Doug, We had a brief email exchange. He wants to see me. I haven’t said yes or no. I haven’t done anything and I let it hang. I am walking on ice. It’s horrible.

    • Lynne September 23, 2011 at 12:14 pm #

      DON”T DO IT! You can rewrite the story of your life by starting today! Empower yourself by being the one that takes the high road. Were it me in this struggle, I would delete the emails (and delete your sent email file) and block his email address from further contact. Otherwise, you will reinjure yourself and your spouse over and over again until this all ends very badly–there is no good outcome to this, but you can stop it NOW!

      Hang in there.

      • Healing Mark September 23, 2011 at 12:56 pm #

        InTrouble. Have you spoken to your husband about your contact with the OM? Have you shared with him your email exchanges? The fact that the OM is divorced and is pusuing you? If you have not, you are, in my opinion, continuing to take actions (i.e., hiding things) consistent with having an EA. Either do what Lynne and Doug have suggested and no doubt others (do you have a counsellor?) will suggest or, do the decent thing and come clean with your husband and separate until such time as you can decide whether you are going to commit 100% to your marriage and thus ZERO PERCENT to this scummy divorced man (probably the best course of action unless your marriage to your husband has been irreparably damaged and you are absolutely certain of this) or you are not willing to do this in which case you or your husband should begin looking for divorce attorneys.

        Really? Is someone that would pursue a married woman that much of a “catch”? Maybe it’s just me, but I could fall madly in love with you, be or become available to date you, yet because you are currently married, I would not pursue you regardless of the foregoing. To do otherwise is just morally wrong and karma can be, they say, a real bitch!

        • Lynne September 23, 2011 at 1:47 pm #

          In Trouble-

          I agree with Healing Mark’s words of wisdom to you. Plus, flip this over and take a look at the reality of the situation (as Oprah says, its time for the “get real” challenge). That is that if you and the OM were to end up together, you would then have two people with very slippery boundaries and deceit living under the same roof. Now what could possible be more exciting than that!!! Two people who will never be able to trust one another, and knowing that if you could do it to your spouses, you can do it to each other. Why in the world would you choose that? At some point doesn’t logic need to rule here….rather than lust, fear, denial and game playing? I presume that at the end of your days this is NOT how you want to look back on whether this was a life well lived.

  34. InTrouble September 23, 2011 at 12:03 pm #

    I forgot to mention he is now divorced. Somehow, that seems relevant to the story.

    • jennifer mccormack September 23, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

      Troubled, sounds like you and your “affair partner” deserve each other . Continued contact is no way to get over someone. Your husband deserves much better than you. seriously.

  35. been there, done that September 23, 2011 at 1:45 pm #

    About 20 years ago, in my first marriage, I was involved with my ex boyfriend in “affair”. My husband at the time was an abusive alcoholic and I also drank quite a bit to try to deal with it. This all went on intermittent ly for about 2 years. I convinced myself it was ok due to the circumstances. Both of these guys were jerks, esp. The ex. He always had been, but I es “in love” and couldn’t see it. One day, something just snapped. I thought of him and thought “what the heck do I see in this guy?” Nothing. It waslike I had been under a spell. It was one of the best days of my life. There was no love, no hate , no anything! I was finally free of this loser. I never looked back. My husband has since died and I have made peace with his memory as well. I guess my point is there is no excurse for cheating and also there is No One that you can’t get over.

  36. InTrouble September 24, 2011 at 7:22 am #

    Thank you all (well mostly all, lol) for your supportive advice. I want you to know that I am in counseling.

    Also I will hear this week whether or not I have qualified for the 2012 Boston Marathon. My times are good; I think I have a good shot. Psychologically that will be huge for the next 7 months. I could obviously use the focus.

    I have told him that I cannot see him.

  37. Norwegian woman September 24, 2011 at 6:05 pm #

    I found out something about facebook. When you go on top of the page, on seek….. you can see who`s profile you have searched on most recent…..
    Just start with for example a … and all recent profiles of persons beginning with a that you have been looking on will come.
    I just found out that he recently has had a search on the profile of his PA (his EA is blocked by my request). And also ceveral other women from his past……
    I found this out this afternoon. I checked the whole alphabet on his profile (I logged in to his account). This evening I went to town to get our daughter that has been on work. When he went to bed, I checked once more, and he has searched on two women. On co-worker and one former girfriend…..
    I am not in a good place right now.

  38. Been there , done that September 26, 2011 at 7:36 pm #

    Norwegian woman, the facebook activities sounds bad but I wouldn’t jump to any conclusion. I would monitor it for a while to see if he makes contact. Hopefully not. Good luck.

  39. Been there , done that September 26, 2011 at 7:51 pm #

    In Trouble , it sounds like you are trying but want every one to validate your actions. Know this, if you find someone willing to stay with you it is something you should value. Most people will drop you immediately when you are caught cheating. No second chances. U say your adultery partner is now divorced but u don’t say who initiated it. hmmm. Anyway most adulterers do not marry and ,75%, who do divorce. U probabl yalready knew that though . If the 2 of you wanted to be together you would be cause you have already taken it this far with no concern for your spouses. Like the rattlesnake says “you knew what I was when you picked me up.”

  40. Karenjzj September 27, 2011 at 9:54 am #

    What do I fear? I fear that I will never be “enough” for him. He will always look elsewhere. I fear I’ll always cry. I fear he will never recognize the hurt he caused

  41. voice November 20, 2011 at 9:15 pm #

    My biggest fear is that the first time something goes wrong between us that she is going to look elsewhere for comfort instead of working our marriage and the cause.
    I also fear that my efforts to give her the attention that she wanted may become smothering as I over-compensate, show too much affection or what ever.
    And, I fear that since she still goes to the bar where she met the OM, when she drinks she gets angry and other men may know she can be approached because of the OMs success in establishing some form of relationship.

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