trauma of the affairMy summer break is in full swing and outside of helping to care for my ailing mother, I’m following my typical routine of scanning the library website for books that catch my eye. I found the book “The Last Best Cure” by Donna Jackson Nakazawa and thought that I’d give it a try.

It sparked my interest because the cover stated… “My quest to awaken the healing parts of my brain and get back my body, my joy and my life.”

Since Doug’s emotional affair I too have been on a similar quest. I had the desire to move forward and become the best person I could be. I think I’ve accomplished a lot over the years but find myself still hungry to learn more.

This book has nothing to do with affairs or anything like that. Rather, the author suffers from a severe auto-immune disorder and she maps out her quest to live a “normal” life. Having tried everything traditional medicine could possibly offer, she turned to a doctor who suggested that the brain itself may be her last best cure.

She chronicles her year-long journey investigating how mind-body therapies such as meditation, yoga and acupuncture awaken the healing potential of our brains, change our biology, and revitalize our health.

As I was reading the book I thought back to all the information I have read about the trauma betrayed spouses endure due to the betrayal and how this trauma can often manifest itself physically as major illness, heart conditions, skin conditions, cancer or perhaps some other ailment or disease.

I have often wondered if many of you have found yourself with physical ailments or conditions as a result of the trauma caused by the affair.

If so, what were they and how have you managed these issues?

Please discuss your experiences in the comment section below.


Linda & Doug


    14 replies to "Discussion – Has the Trauma of the Affair Caused You Any Physical Ailments?"

    • Fighting

      Yes. Some months after D-day 2, I had an epilepsy seizure. I have been scanned from head to toe, and nothing is wrong with me physically. The doctor said that the seizure probably was a resault of long-term pressure. I am on medication now, and will be for some years.
      And of course, while the affairs was in progress, I was constantly plagued with bacterial vaginosis. But that, I understand, is something normal when your spouse comes home with another womans bacterias…….

    • exercisegrace

      Sigh. Where to begin? Prior to even suspecting the affair, I had numerous urinary tract infections and at least two vaginal infections. My body was trying to tell me something. By the time I started suspecting him and his “friend”, I was having heavy bleeding, surgery for endometriosis, and then a second surgery for a total hysterectomy. Following that were two blood transfusions for severe anemia and being hospitalized again for infection following the hysterectomy. The stress of begging, pleading and fighting for my marriage then led to being diagnosed with ulcers and irritable bowel after two “fun” endoscopy. By this time I was suffering from almost constant nausea from the stress, as well as frequent nightmares. I was not sleeping or eating well. I hated that I had my organs ripped out, while I was suspecting something going on with a woman ten years younger than me. I focused all my energy on the children, who were suffering from their father’s emotional and often physical absence as well. I was on three medications for my stomach, and had declined two others for my sudden forced menopause. Next up was the sudden appearance of a tumor in my arm. It was a complicated surgery with a lot of nerve impact, and required months of healing.

      The sheer distraction and exhaustion of what he was putting us through made me distracted at times. Through the sheer carelessness of this, I broke a finger and later a bone in my foot (which put me in a walking cast for five months).

      During the year plus of his affair, I also seemed to catch every cold, flu, and stomach bug going. My body just did NOT have the reserves to fight anything off. It seemed I was sick constantly. After discovery, the trauma seemed immense. I lost a dangerous amount of weight, the nightmares became almost unmanageable and I would stay up until 4 or 5 in the morning. I couldn’t stand to close my eyes, and passed out from sheer exhaustion. I’m sure there is more, but I am starting to depress myself, LOL.

      We could do a whole OTHER post on the financial impact of the affair! I would love to hear how others have dealt with that aspect too!

    • blueskyabove


      Has the Trauma of the Affair Caused You Any Physical Ailments?

      Answer -No.

      Like you, I’ve been on a personal betterment quest for a long time.  Mine started in earnest in July, 2000, many years before my H’s affair.  Also like you, I have been hungry for more.  It’s as if the more you learn, the more you want to learn.

      I had read about the healing properties of forgiveness and how worry and hatred effect the body at the cellular level…that all illness is first created in the mind…and you have to be willing to extend forgiveness to everyone.  There is no picking and choosing who is worthy of forgiveness and who isn’t worthy.  The universe doesn’t work that way, and—you cannot fool the universe.

      Since I had been aware of, and had been embracing this belief for many years before discovering the affair I made a conscious decision not to let anger, bitterness, condemnation, etc. eat away at my body and psyche.  There is no doubt in my mind that this decision was a major reason I didn’t develop any physical abnormalities as a direct result of the affair.  It wasn’t always easy and I stumbled many times along the way, but I didn’t give in to the negativity.

      I have known since day one that I was going to have to eventually forgive both my husband and his affair partner.  What I didn’t realize at the time was how important it was to forgive myself.  It’s much easier to see others’ failings than to see your own mistakes, but once you start on this quest, as you are probably aware, there is no turning back.  The affair was the catalyst that forced me beyond merely dabbling in the subject of becoming my best and actively choosing to be the best I can be.  I knew I couldn’t return to blissful ignorance any more.  I had already learned too much (lol) and I could only choose to keep going forward.  I have had to make the choice to keep going forward every-single-day.  I am still a work in progress and probably will continue to be until I depart from this earthly plane, but armed with the knowledge I have gained, I would never choose to go back to who I was 14 years ago.  It’s not worth it.  Now I know that I have the ability to overcome any adversity and I can do it with love, compassion, and understanding.  I’ll take the freedom of peace and love any day over the prison of anger and hate.

    • Oceangirl

      Yes, high blood pressure, low white cell count for which I was tested for lupus and leukemia, lost 33 pounds, can’t sleep more than 3-4 hours per night, depression, headaches and digestive issues. I am sure that the bitterness, anger, and resentment played a huge role in my unhealthy state. I am just now, 18 months post-Dday , beginning to let go of some of the anger and beginning to find forgiveness. He has done nothing to help me heal, told me to “get over it”
      and then told me that all my health issues are my fault. Maybe he’s right. I can only control myself. Maybe I need to just get over it and forgive. It is kind of hard to forgive, though, when you don’t know what you are forgiving. He has been abusive and callous, unremorseful, unempathetic, unresponsive to my questions about his two EA’s and blames me for the affairs. I’m sure I will feel better after I contact an attorney

    • Gizfield

      Ocean girl, even though I did not pursue a divorce, seeing a lawyer was one of the best days of my life. I laid out a condensed,, non emotional version of the way I had been treated. It was wonderful to see the look of disgust for him and the whore’s activity. With none of the judgementalism (is that a word, lol?) that most people show toward the betrayed spouse.

    • Bonnie

      He was dieting with me and his EA partner. I only lost 4 lbs until I discovered 6,152 messages between them on Facebook when I was lucky to get a sentence or 2 in a card from him on holidays. This from someone who told me that he “hates to type”. After that I lost 9 more lbs within a couple of weeks. I had heart palpitations for weeks after D-day. My sleep was interrupted and fitful. I would awaken in the middle of the night worried if I would be losing my home and be forced into poverty. I had irritable bowel. I became paranoid and about his every move – after almost 30 years of trust.

    • Cherry

      I lost 40 lbs, had to start taking antidepressants, started smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes each day (after having quit for 11 years), my hair broke off and fell out, daily puking, no sleep for days at a time, agoraphobia and lots of aches and pains in my joints and stomach. It has been one year since D-day. Lots of money spent on my reaction to his bad choice.

    • Gizfield

      Oh my. I just saw that they are starting a new show on VH1 July 17 called Leann and Eddie. Leann Rimes is like the Queen Mother of Proud Adulterers. She is also a gigantic train wreck. This should be interesting. I am totally fascinated with the reality of Other Women versus the idealized Hollywood fantasy version.

    • CBb

      Yesterday was one year from DDay. I did nit even remember it but my CH did. He sent me a very nice apology card and has been trying hard to make up for his past EA and poor choices.

      I did suffer from no sleep, lost weight I could not afford to lose, anxiety, depression, abandonment and headaches. It took me months to even get 2 hours of sleep each night.

      Thanks to therapy with a wonderful counselor, exercise and great diet I was able to overcome these issues or I would have gotten really sick and unable to function at all.

      But most important my CH has helped this along by doing all the right things, though it took many months. It was not easy but when he realized I was leaving him or about to, things changed. He changed. FINALLY!

      It is harder when you have to heal alone e/ no support or compassion from the CS.

      And in a crazy logic way, we want healing and support from the person who put us in the position in the first place. Kind of like the Germans in the concentration camps relying on the Nazis for help. It is crazy that we are in this position. Trying to get validation and support from the person who betrayed us the most.

    • Better

      Yup count me in. After a year of us not talking about his affair I got a very nasty skin rash. Had tests and the dermatologist has no idea what it is. It comes and goes. I lost 30 lbs in 2 months, throwing up a lot, can’t sleep or eat.

      CS have NO idea about ALL of the ramifications of their actions! There to busy being selfish!

    • JanT

      Absolutely. 8 months out and I’m a hot mess of tears, rage, frustration, disbelief, gained 20 pounds. I felt disassociated from my body, my life. I could sense myself but it was like I was outside of my life looking in – seeing but not connecting. I got so disoriented in Target a few weeks ago that I had no idea where I was. I have crying jags and last week left me in a heap on the floor on my bedroom closet. Sobbing day-after-day the past two weeks and no relief in sight.

      I had been seeing a therapist but dumped her the minute she told me my husband didn’t really cheat on me because it was only an emotional affair. So, I have gone weeks without counseling. I have gotten so bad in the last 6 weeks that I knew something was seriously wrong with me. So, I contacted a psychiatrist and saw her yesterday. After an intense session with alot of questions she diagnosed me with Disassociative Trauma Disorder with Emotional and Conduct Imbalance. It is very much like PTSD. She said it is absolutely caused by my husband’s emotional affair last year. She prescribed some meds for depression and anxiety and also something to help me sleep. I will need months or years of counseling to get control of this.

      I cannot believe my life has come to this. 8 months ago I had just returned from a religious mission in Fiji for 2 years with my husband. A month after that he decided he wanted to go play the sandbox with his former high school girlfriend and AP from 25 years ago when he was married to his first wife. Yeah, that worked for him until I found out, then his world came crashing down along with mine. We’re trying to reconcile but I don’t know if it can be done. I have huge trust issues and the one person I thought I could trust implicitly stabbed me in the back. I don’t take that lightly.

      He has been away from home this week and has no idea I went to the psych. I wonder what his reaction will be when I tell him the diagnosis? How will he feel about that? Guilt, shame, or just pissed that it’s another thing he’ll have to deal with if we stay together?

      • forcryin'outloud

        J – I’ve been exactly where you are. Even my H’s AP was his ex HS GF.

        Good for you for getting some physical and mental health. The meds and therapy were life changers for me so I hope you will find the same assistance from both.

        You will find a wealth of information here along with great support. Ironically you will find that all our stories are eerily similar just the gritty details will be different. This will give you some comfort to know that our life boat is afloat with many comrades.

        As far as your H goes he will feel all those things you describe but remember he set this train wreck in motion. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!! He’s the REAL hot mess!!!!!!!!

      • Rachel

        Jan, I’ve been there as well. Stay strong. My ex was with his ex gf from 30 years ago. He looked her up and hooked up. He didn’t want me and we divorced.
        No he is blaming me for the divorce because on divorce day, he wanted me back.
        I said no.
        I would love to know what the name of your meds are as my dr put me on meds for PTSD and I don’t feel like they are working.
        Life is better. Less stress, but those horrible words that were said to me by my ex husband still sit in my head. Some days worse than others.
        Best of luck to you. Remember this is not your fault.
        Keep seeing your therapist. Gladnyou found a good one.
        I had two others until I found the right fit. I miss mine but the insurance I now have doesn’t cover her group.
        I agree with forgryin’outloud. Come to this site. Get opinions if you need to. This site was wonderful for me. And it will be as well for you.
        Take care of yourself and kids if you have them.
        Good luck!

    • J-R

      I lost 40 pounds in the following month after D-Day (July 2015), and began having debilitating back issues Jan 2016. I had surgery on my back for a ruptured disk that November, and have not recovered fully as of yet. I also developed some nervous habits, and have “dermatiloma” (some tiny thin hair patches too) on my scalp and have horrible nails from biting them and picking at the cuticles. One of the moments that made me question his activities was when I wound up with a bacterial throat infection (not strep) after one of his out-of-country trips, and I’ve gotten two non-yeast/non-UTI infections that have been Unidentified, yey clear up with antibiotics.

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