Let’s face it, many marriages are going to end whether there was an affair or not. However, when divorce seems to be the best alternative due to all of the marital problems, resentments and lack of love, many just can’t seem to be able to go through with it.
Divorce is difficult. This is one of the reasons why many couples choose to stay in unhealthy, loveless or unfulfilled marriages despite an inner voice that tells them they should leave. Instead, these people might seek out or invent reasons to justify staying.
From the correspondence we receive, there seems to be a few primary justifications:
- Kids
- Money
- It would be breaking a vow
- Too darn scared of the unknown
Leaving a marriage is a huge decision that can impact many people and therefore it is important to contemplate divorce only when all other alternatives and ramifications have been considered and exhausted. Additionally, you should get professional guidance and support prior to making such a life-altering decision.
However, if you truly feel your marriage is over and that you both have done all you could to save it, then you are probably doing yourself a disservice by staying.
And there are tons of examples of where the situation was such where it was more a question of whether or not a person could bear not getting a divorce – yet they didn’t.
So for our discussion this week…
Have you ever felt as though you just knew you had to leave your marriage but felt that you were trapped and couldn’t? Why did you stay? What did you do?
What advice do you have for those who feel as though they are trapped in marriage?
Please share your experiences, advice and questions with others in the comment section below. Also, please be sure to reply to one another. Thanks!
Linda & Doug
27 replies to "Discussion – Trapped in Marriage"
This so struck a nerve. Almost three years have passed since finding out about my husbands three month emotional and partly physical affair at work. Twenty five years married at the time, thirty four yrs together. I feel after all the work trying to repair our marriage, that the marriage is over. I probably would have left the marriage had I had the financial resources. I’m still in that position which is making it impossible to walk away right now. My choice if I were to leave now, would be homelessness. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband, and have for the most part forgiven him, but the damage is so severe, that I know I will never be able to feel safe in this relationship. He has done, for the most part, his share of the work to help heal the damage, but never without prodding and pushing from me, which in turn has now caused me to have deep resentments towards him. The financial issues we have stem from my husband having to walk away from a pretty great job because of the affair, and life has never been the same. I believe he loves me, but if it would have been left up to him, he would have just wanted to continue as we were before the affair, and pretty much just go on with our life. Though the infidelity was bad enough, he had admitted to loss of love for me for at least 25 yrs (our whole marriage). He claimed resentment towards me, but felt he could never HURT me by telling me the truth, and so held it in for all those years, which of course as anyone would know, caused even more damage. So in our case the affair really was just a symptom of a much bigger problem in the marriage. I feel terrible that I can’t get past all I know now, but that’s where I’m at, and I’m certainly not gonna go the route he chose….. Holding it in and pretending.
Robin,
Your words are very very similar to my life. Three years ago this November, my ex husband admitted to his affair with his ex g. Friend from30 years ago and the fact that he shouldn’t have married me after 25 years.
Financially I never thought I would make it, but with a kick ass attorney, I have. Being married for 25 years changes a lot in the eye of the court.
It’s such a relief to be divorced from the piece of scum, you have no idea.
My ex said some pretty nasty things to me in front of my two boys.
They both realize that their father is a jerk but he’s their father.
I have met a wonderful man who treats me like the lady I am. And respects me.
I still hear from the ex thru emails as he still tries to control me. No response back is the best medicine and hitting that delete button puts a smile to my face.
Best of luck.
Trapped isn’t the word for me. I’m aware of my choices and can live with them.
I do question myself for my reasons for staying. I’m satisfied and my husband has shown tremendous remorse. He’s very loving and close to me now. Did I settle? Probably. Do I feel like his second choice? Sometimes. But our life is good and it is what it is.
I’m not trapped, either, Trying Hard, and it’s sad that sometimes people are. I enjoy my life, a lot. On the other side of the coin, you will NEVER hear me say being cheated on has improved my marriage, made me a “better person”, etc. The only thing I can do that may be beneficial is use my experience to help guide my daughter on what to look for in relationships, and what to avoid. It’s pretty apparent nobody ever did that for me, unfortunately.
I have done a lot of reading and thinking about adultery in the past few years. I think it’s really a combination of factors that determine whether your marriage is worth “saving” or “working on” or not. The main considerations to me are 1) how long have you been together ? 2) what type of person was your spouse before they cheated? 3) are there children, especially minor children? 4) was the cheater in a major Life Change? ‘5) has the person changed their ways, and are they remorseful? None of these excuse cheating but they can help you determine if you are dealing with a chronic, serial cheater. If you are, your future is filled with misery and you need to get out. I’m just hoping I made the right call…
WHYYYYYY does it have to irritate me so bad that my husband.. tells that old bag (mil) all the details of our lives, everyday? Ugh, cause due to his cheating, the old bat exposed herself for what she is and I despise her. I hate mama’s boys and the women who create them. I was such a good DIL til all this, too. No more, lol. I go along to get along, but thats it
That would irritate the crap out of me as well. Kill her with kindness. (Unless that would kill you instead).
Oh giz, I don’t miss that at all!!!!
My ex mil was such an interfering witch.
He would go visit her and tell her all about us. None of which was any of her business. She is a control freak. He got that from her.
She would belittle her husband terribly. He got that from her also.
She even said at a party once that she wishes he would come back home and live with her. I looked at her and said he’s married with two little kids. And thought to myself, she is serious and this is going to be a tough one to fight. Well, she won, and so did I !!!!!
Giz
Have you sat down and told your husband that it’s a bone of contention for you that he tells his Mommy everything that goes on in your life? I think it’s weird too that a grown man has to tell Mommy everything. Oedipus much?????
Definitely Oedipus, Trying , lol. I dont say much for a couple of reasons. One, it would drive her directly to her favorite to role, Victim. Second, he’d still do it, I think it’s mostly a time filler. Shes really boring, lol. Also, I only hear it on the weekend, thank god. Most importantly, Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. You can’t counteract drivel unless you know what it is. It took me a long time to see through this hag’ s facade, and most people do nt cause shes oh so humble. Classic passive agressive. She put sonny into substitute spouse/ protector role the day he was born, I think. The day she accused me of hallucinating that he was whoring around is the day she topped my shitlist. I used to be nicey nice so she has to notice I no longer am. And she knows why, so that is good enough for me.
Giz
I so, so hear you. I could write a book about my in laws. My NPD MIL and co-dependent FIL. I did soooo many things wrong early in our marriage. I thought if I paid lots of attention to her and treated her nice she would like me and be a good grandmother, mother and MIL. So misconceived. Being nice is nothing she understands. What I should have done is ignore her and leave all conversations and interactions up to my husband who was MORE than happy for me to take of the solicitous role. I was nothing but vilified for it. Now I am so much smarter I stay out of it. Not My Monkeys, Not My Circus. I interact with her only when it’s mandatory, otherwise NC. I put on a good show. I also keep my mouth shut, LOL I can hear you laughing but trust me silence has become my BFF!
OK so I can top what you said with regards to this weekend. Guess what my completely overworked and stressed out husband spent his day doing Saturday?
For nine hours, he was at his parents pig sty of a home cleaning, pitching, organizing, sweeping their home. Seriously you would think they would be ashamed that their 62 year old son and 58 year old daughter had to come over and clean their mess. My MIL is a hoarder in every sense of the word. Now I love to shop and I can shop with the best of them. My H said he found no less than 50 hats and 25 pair of sunglasses, bags and bags of junk jewelry, shoes everywhere and general dirt and filth. Dirty used Kleenex just lying on the floor. Who the eff lives like that???
Well LOL it was enough inspiration for me to go to my basement and organize some crap I need to get rid of! We all have too much stuff and it weighs us down. I love divesting myself of excess stuff by I have to admit my basement is a good place to stash it out of sight. MY MIL’s can’t even walk through their house with all the trash and stuff laying around. It’s a sad state of being. I had to go over to bring a broom and some storage boxes and then I got the hell out because my answer it to load all that crap up and take it to Goodwill. Those fools think they are treasures.
I agree, keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. Yep totally smile to her face and agree and you can think whatever you like is the way to handle her.
BTW Giz, he didn’t even touch the bedrooms, laundry room, garage or basement!!! That was just the living room, dining room, kitchen and hallway. NINE HOURS. The other rooms are filled and reek of urine. I seriously gagged when I walked in the house from the stench.
I would laugh if it weren’t just too pathetic.
Of course , he did not tell her about his whoring. I wonder if she asked him about what I told her. I mean, she had to wonder why he spent a month living on her couch, I wouldthink.
Wow, Trying, that is disgusting. My MIL likes to surround herself with people who do her dirty work. Like they have all these family Events where they come to her house and do stuff. Last year, it was cut bushes, this year it’s putting down a new kitchen floor. Theres always the implication we aren’t doing this crap, even though we are close by. Of course, theres that pesky I have a life thing. Full time job, child, etc. last year one of the Helpers left a stump of a bush about four inches high right outside the back door. I was carrying something, and next thing you know my ass was over my head, literally
. But the thing I really hate is how she draws my h into the bad guy role with his schizophrenic sister. Every few months it’s the same thing . Sister comes Home, runs house, acts cra cra, authorities are called, sister goes to institution/halfway house. Improves, wants to come Home, due to not liking rules. And it all starts AGAIN. and shes just the poor victim… Sister has been back a few months so before long the police will be acalling. This shit has gone on the last fifteen years I’ve been around, and many more before that I’m told. Of course, sister never improves cause mommy lets her do what she wants. Like eat ALL the chicken. she will actually eat out of the serving bowls, lol. It is so disgusting!!!
Oh Giz I am laughing because this is so my story.
Yes we have plenty of our own stuff to do around the house like clean, organize, pull weeds, cut bushes but you know what, if I don’t have time there’s plenty of service people to call and you pay them and they do it. When I got sent to WalMart to buy a broom and storage boxes guess who had to pay for it? ME!! That’s who. Every time someone fucks up their life it ALWAYS ends up costing me money. And this is the same people who couldn’t even call me to wish me Happy Birthday last week!!! UGH makes me nuts.
I love my SIL. She is so kind and sweet and is a bit of a functioning alcoholic. I do love her, but she is a dolt! Dumb as they come, bless her little heart, like they say in the South.
My H wants to get a POD and fill it up and take it directly to Goodwill. His mother will never know the difference. She will think all this crap, in JUST the garage, will be in “storage” at our business. Seriously, a two car garage is FILLED with clothes and crap, I mean CRAP. Not my SIL, she thinks there’s valuables in there and she’s going to sell that crap on Ebay no less!! Now, this is a woman who can’t navigate her phone to text message. She can’t get on the computer to manage her work schedule, has a co-worker do it for her, and yet she’s going to sell her mother’s crap on Ebay. Seriously? I just shake my head in disbelief. I am surrounded by nuts I tell you!
Lol, you guys. Why didn’t you just let your h take their ow over to meet his family lol? Maybe that would have been enough to make the ow run a mile. Unless the ow ended up fitting right in.
Lol I too finally realized I was in an all give no take situation. One year, after buying bd cards, gifts, visits, etc I realized I didn’t even get a card from these self centered inlaws. They dont have money, booo hoooo, although SIL can afford fifty mile taxi rides and fifteen trips a day to mcdonalds . I think shes gained fifty pounds in the last three months from just eating continuously. But like you say, not my monkeys, not my circus. Except, when you get those middle of the night Emergency calls…
Giz
Just sit back and smile at Karma working it’s magic with them and letting you watch 🙂
That’s what I did this weekend. My husband HATES housework/yard work of any kind. Hates clutter and messes and dealing with his parents, but that is exactly what they all had to deal with on Saturday.
I was pleasant and did as I was asked, and then when I drove off I laughed and waived and said “Toodle Do Dumbasses” all to myself. I had a nice quiet day at home doing what I needed to get done.
Karma indeed showed up for them cause the chickens always come home to roost, like my father used to say!
Yeah, I didnt participate in the yardwork extravaganza, and I dont lay flooring either. I hired people to do my floor. Just a suggestion, lol.
I just had the most fun thought. Too bad my MIL didn’t get to experience my husband’s girlfriend as a DIL. It would have been great. She could have cussed them and called his mother and sister a c#@t like she did me. Lol, or her daughter could have entertained them with tales of her juvenile delinquent activities. The gf is trash through and through, as his her entire lowlife family.
Giz, the ow may have fitted right in.
I’m not trapped but I have had times of feeling trapped since the affair started.
I gave up my career for many reasons. Most at the time seemed reasonable and well intentioned along with our 12 moves. Then when the most important person in my life betrayed my trust and I began to question the decades of marital decisions I had made I felt trapped. Probably because I felt like the unemployable village idiot. But I tried to rise above my overwhelming desire to dump the marriage in order to keep a family intact, give the man I love a chance to redeem himself and see where the road would take us.
They are my choices and God knows I’ve taken plenty of criticism for them from friends and family. But it’s me who has to sleep in the bed I have made every night. So yes every now and again I feel a little wary of my decisions but I chose my family over my own indignation. Now 4 years post d-day do I feel like I’m in a situation I cannot escape from? No. I’m not trapped. I’ve tried to make the best choices given the options and consequences for my entire family.
SR. no kidding, that would have been awesome. His mother never thought I was good enough. She would have shit her pants over that trailer park trash.
But you know what, the OW is used to narcissistic parents like these two. She actually came home when she was a kid to catch her own mother in the act of having sex with the next door neighbor!!
Enough said! But talk amongst yourselves. I’m telling you, fools, I’m surrounded by fools!
Th, I know your not kidding, lol. I think you would have had a huge laugh, if you were a fly on the wall, if you had the chance to see the ow in action with your h family.
I was never good enough either, for my h family, not sure I ever will be either. Yet I’m not sure I care anymore, because I put up with their shit long enough, I am nice but more wary of them now then before, and how much of a huge influence they have become to my h.
Well look how the tables turned for them! It’s their own flesh and blood who fell short of being good enough for me!
Of course the tables have turned, th. You don’t have anything to prove to these people.
I just returned from a week long visit to the in-laws after 3 yrs of little to no contact with them. Compared to previous visits it was great. I believe they got the message that I wasn’t taking my MIL’s shit anymore. I was respectful but when she tried to bait me I just ignored her. The truly sad part is she is a manipulative obese lonely crazy old woman with a family who can’t stomach her. She has to pay people to do everything for her including care about her. It speaks volumes about the old adage “you reap what you sow.”
Also on a high note it was the scene of the crime for my H’s affair and for the first time I had no desire to finally lay eyes on the skanky OW. Like my inner voice told me just after d-day “she’s not your problem.” Well, I finally got it. She’s not, she was my H’s problem.
Good for you, FCOL. I’ve spent two evening s in the company of my husbands GF and for the life of me can’t remember how she looks.it was at least ten or twelve years ago once and probably eight or nine the other. Never seen a photo. Her fb page is photoless, lol. One of our mutual friends has commented on that several times.I bet shes nasty, and my husband has “prettied” her up in his mind. It would be fun to track her down, like at her work, then when I saw her to start laughing hysterically, and say “THIS is what I’m supposed to be jealous of?” A 46 yo dried up roadwhore?
Thx Giz. I like the place I’m in right now – it’s not perfect but it’s the best it’s been in a LONG time.