Happy Fourth of July to everyone in the US!
There is no question that the impact of infidelity is far reaching and devastating. All of the parties involved in infidelity suffer from long-lasting effects after the affair. These effects are not just felt solely by the betrayed spouse but also by the cheater, the affair partner and the families of each.
Each party may be impacted differently and with varying degrees, but one thing is for sure and that is the effects are profound and long-lasting. The impact can be emotional, physical and/or financial and can affect those individually and as a family unit – especially if divorce is involved. Grief, trauma, guilt, shame, weight loss, depression and the shattering of trust are but a few of infidelity’s effects.
Being cheated on by the very person you love and trust is incredibly painful, as well as impacting how you interact within your other relationships. The idea of being cheated on again makes it very difficult to trust again in many facets of life causing some to avoid relationships totally on the possibility that they may get hurt again. These effects can be a part of you for years to come.
Additionally, children and other family members who are impacted by infidelity may carry the wounds into other relationships as adults believing that infidelity is just a part of the growing experience or part of any relationship.
Cheater too are impacted in a variety of ways as they have to live with the consequences of their actions and must face the questions of character that caused them to do what they did.
This week’s discussion will center on the impact of infidelity on you – whether you are the betrayed spouse, the cheating spouse, family member or the affair partner…
What is the single biggest impact that the affair has had on you?
How have you managed to cope with the effects of this impact?
How has the affair impacted your family?
Feel free to explain in detail if you wish.
Please be sure to respond to each other in the comment section below.
Have a great day!
Linda & Doug
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84 replies to "Discussion – The Impact of Infidelity"
What is the single biggest impact that the affair has had on you?
It made me realise that only I could control the happiness in my life, I couldn’t and shouldn’t rely on anyone else to make me happy. I realised that I did have control and also had bags of resilience. Things that I had previously considered impossible are not impossible and this is an impact of the affair my H had in that it was how I responded to it that mattered. I feel much more self-propelled and confident in my ability to deal with adversity. I blame myself less than I used to and this has increased my self-esteem, which had been low for most of our married life.
The physical impact has been significant weight loss, loss of focus on life within the first 6 months, back injury and the loss of litres of fluid via the eyes.
It has changed me permanently. I will always be wary of my H but I am more able to stand my ground and argue with him when I disagree with things he says. Only recently he was discussing how a friend had helped him during the time when ‘we weren’t getting on well’ so I told him that this was nonsense. We weren’t ‘not getting on well’ he was still firmly embedded within his selfishness and ignoring my needs completely. I was trying hard to keep us together while he did nothing. He was shocked by this but I told him I would no longer let comments like that pass me by as they would build into resentments, which are worse. He agreed and apologised. I know more about the need to argue and not avoid confrontation. My H is still light years behind me in development but he is advancing, albeit slowly. I am more frank about my needs of him.
How have you managed to cope with the effects of this impact?
I just have. I’m not sure how sometimes but certainly with the help of friends and family, without whom I would have thrown myself out of the car into the highway on the day I discovered the affair. Concentrating on my own happiness was essential to coping and ultimately recovery.
How has the affair impacted your family?
We have no children so that is not an issue. My own family will have nothing to do with my H at all and he no longer exists to them. He never mentions them or makes any attempt to apologise to them so it will stay like that until he does.
His family have been very supportive of me, although his parents have pretty much ignored me since Christmas when they discovered what their son ahd been doing (and also discovered that I wasn’t a vegetarian anymore, which seemed to have offended them more!).
Such selfishness on the behalf of cheaters is devastating. I have heard today of someone that has been petitioned for divorce after 45 years of marriage now that their H has ‘found’ a younger woman in another country who will solve all his problems, which were, of course, entirely caused by his wife’s failings. It brings it all back.
Eight months on, the main thing I’ve learned is the seriousness of infidelity. I don’t think I could have predicted the profound impact it has had. For example, this week, on returning from our first holiday, my brain has decided it’s time to relive the trauma and has been finding all the most tortuous morsels for me to chew over again. I’m hoping it’s working through a process that will be over soon – but it’s reminded me again what a thing to happen this is.
You mention it in the article: the person you are meant to trust the most is, in a moment, tranformed into the most dangerous creature – almost an alien. Of all the daft things, it was watching Pirates of the Caribbean: World’s End recently that bought this home! Spoiler alert! ->
Right at the end, Orlando Bloom gives Keira Knightley his heart in a box and says, “this is yours, can you look after it for me?” This is, of course, the implicit contract in all true relationships – not something we always manage, but I’d argue even those of us who attempt a steely castle-like isolation can’t help but give our heart away over time.
Of course, I said to my partner – that’s exactly what I’ve done. I’ve given you my heart to look after again – can I trust you with it? She says yes. Some part of me struggles with that, and I wonder if a long-term effect might be that it’s always going to be impossible?
But it’s early days. That’s the other important lesson: it’s a long, long road. I am at the point where I feel it’s now a choice I have to make, a leap of faith – again, as one does in all relationships. In that sense, it’s a new relationship we have. I am trusting her with my heart, but she knows we wouldn’t survive another betrayal. The fear of that can still stop me in my tracks. The relationship that’s meant to be the foundation-stone of our lives still seems as delicate and breakable as a spider-web sometimes.
Another effect has been to teach me what to look out for in myself. I can’t rule out meeting someone in my life who’ll trip me up. However, I now know what to look for, and I know what utter devastation and pain it leads to. So perversely, I feel more confident than before in my own ability to be true to my partner, to not – through a series of stupid mis-steps and little addictive highs – find myself in the quagmire of an affair.
Hope is still tentative, and it still feels like a long way to go. Having just come back from 10 days far away, it’s been a blow to realise what a daily mental struggle it is to see her to go to work, in the same building as him. But we’ll try and build our lives here, or perhaps get away one day – though I don’t want his presence destroying our lives, it was so nice to get distance from it.
Still taking it day by day, but we have our love still, and we are giving each other the small intimate kindnesses that I missed so much when the affair car-crash tore all that apart.
I can’t thank everyone here enough. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through it can really get it – as I say, I know I could not have predicted what it’s been like, the hole it blew in my chest. It means so much to be able to come here and share with others who know that pain. Love to all.
Wow, impact is hard to describe….in my past, I let life just happen…never questioned spouse or myself, family, life…all of it… I was happy even when stupid arguements got in the way. Felt like my tomorrow’s would be better not matter what. Depended on husband because trust and respect were there, no questions asked. Knew my future was secure and a fiber of my life….
Now, I depend on myself for my happiness, I know my strength and fortitude come from me alone. That I can handle anything cuz I trust and respect myself. That my kids learn by example, and I never changed my example….if my husband really wants this marriage to work, he must change himself, make our marriage a priority, and know that his change reinforces my trust in him. He may think he is doing a 180′ but I don’t see it. But I will change how I see him…I will take the small gestures and add them up to hopefully be big gestures. That I will never know the why, and I never compare myself to ow as I’m ok with me. I will lower my expectations because he can never measure up to the man he should be after his mistakes. That I must accept him as he is now, defects and all, and see why we fell in love and married. That man is somehow lost in him, and it’s up to me to show him where he is. I won’t mother him cuz he’s a big boy but he must start something new because I’m done with going back…only forward. So the answer to impact of infidelity is move forward on your own, and each spouse will find a new path….may be better and stronger or may just be….
Really good comments that I can relate to…thx for this post today…
Looking back to almost 21 mths ago…it’s all still too fresh (the wounds) and triggers abound this time of year. It gives me hope reading how some readers have overcome (so far,) even if its just little steps …further away from their DDays. My biggest impact? That my life wasn’t what I thought it was and that the entire 25 yrs of marriage leading up to DDay#1 was a farce, all culminating with the 6 years of cheating that occured before my discoveries. I even feel as though ‘I didn’t take the hint’ even when we were engaged…and I did share that with my H. So I guess ‘managing to cope’ is still a pursuit of mine. My H feels that ‘I’ve discounted his entire life’ as it all led up to the final blow…the PA. I reminded him this is not about him.
Interesting reading within a recent John Gottman book though: an affair truly is intentional as it wasn’t a mistake that he began this relationship with the OW, and then another mistake that he kept texting, then calling, then meeting, then having sex …he kept doing all of that intentionally…as those were choices he made. He made a choice to continue even after ‘the OW began to verbally disrespect me (to him.’) But that didn’t disuade his choices to continue. Did he keep making mistakes each day? No. Continued choices, intentional choices. Free will.
The impact of those choices? Profound.
Did those choices define me? No. But they unfortunately did define my marriage…which was not important enough to be placed above
…above 25 years of marriage that is….plus our lives before marriage, 3 kids and lots of time together as a family. Very easily thrown away.
I hope I can get beyond whatever ‘the threshold is…’ because this place I’m in just cannot go on forever…no way.
The single biggest impact of his EA is without a doubt the trust I lost in him, us and myself. Before EA I knew without a doubt my H love for me. For over 25 yrs I never questioned how much he loved me and only me. Now…..I know he loves me but he loved someone else for a while too and with that out the window goes the 100% trust I had in him. Now 13 mths later, still trying to recover and regain trust. It’s there but with hesitation. I’m coping the best I can. Forever thankful for sites like this where I can come, read, vent and feel “normal”. Also, thankful that when Dday came my children where not around for a few weeks. They were visiting relatives for the summer. They don’t have any idea about his EA. I wouldn’t have them lose trust in their dad either. They love him unconditionally. This truly is between he and I and that’s where it stays. I believe we will overcome this but it’s been a tough journey so far. Too many “potholes” along the way. I’ve fallen once to many times. Sometimes it’s easy to get back up but lately the holes have been deep and dark. I guess one way I’ve coped is with meds. I’ve been off of them for a few months but looks like I may need to get back on them. Just for a while, while I get myself back together again. Just part of the impact of his EA for now. Putting my shattered heart together one piece at a time.
Wishing everyone a safe and Happy Fourth of July! I know there are a lot of broken hearted people out there, but please, try to focus on something that makes you happy, be it friends, family, food, fire works, your Creator… Forget the actions of 2 selfish people and enjoy your day. Love you all, Giz
Gizfield,
Happy 4th to you also.
I am craving that big barbeque today, lots of family and friends and ? will be there.
Have a great day yourself.
One more thing, if you absolutely cannot think of any way to make yourself happy today, make someone else happy! Visit a shut in, call your Granny, bake cupcakes with your kids, it doesn’t matter. Karma isn’t always a bitch, sometimes shes a very nice girl!
Doug and Linda,
You mentioned after being cheated on it makes it very difficult to trust again in many facets of life causing some to
avoid relationships on the possibility of getting hurt again.
I am there, I have a ? friend that has sparked my interest,
and both him and I have discussed this very topic of trusting again. We are just friends both of us divorced for
a few years, both of us were cheated on by our former spouses. I don’t know that I am ready to let my walls to
down to take this chance again. I know that if I let my guard
down, this relationship could grow into something more,
but I’m not there yet. I am so unsure. So I am going to take
my own advise and go slow, but I am wavering on just staying single and not go down that road again, it is much
less compilcated and I am free. I wasn’t looking for this
but it is something I have to face.
Our relationship used to be easy. We helped each other along the busy life we shared. He and our children were my priority. I believed that I had found the one I could totally “give my heart to” (as Dol says above) and for the first time in my life I dared to do so and I trusted him totally and blindly. Now I know, after the things I learned from our past, that yes, he says that he loved me all this time, and he had been an amazing father and husband, but he was a bit loose when times to show strength towards that love came to the point.
We are now over 2 years past Dday and what I have learned is that whereas before I saw good in everyone and everywhere, now I question most of the time. I became such an analyst of people and situations, but also I learned to be closer and find time to the people that I see as real friends,(only one knows of my husband affair). I am not negative, but I surely became more cynical. The truth is, I trust no one. I have lost the infinite patience I had with his family. My family is on the other side of the continent, and they do not know about what happened here.
I am floating, on the surface of my own life. I now look back and see things that are not as I saw them. I am not what I thought that I was to him. He was not as I thought as he was to me. Our past is a different world from the one I thought that I knew. But in that world I loved him with an innocence that I don’t have anymore. But it was a good place to be, I was happy, we were happy, but I cannot go back there. We had 18 years of a marriage before DDay, that I believed was a happy one, so I keep this side of the story inside myself.
Physically, I had never in my life had so many downs and sick days offs. Lost weight (I did not need to), crippled by back problems and lack of sleep, palpitations. My husband has too. My two girls learned to look at him again as the great father that he has been and they have a good relationship, but they surely were changed too.
The only way IS forward and now we are trying to create a new life. As I said before. Life was easy then, now is bloody hard work. I miss the loss innocence, I miss the certainty after sex, lying into his arms and feeling so damn especial! now, so what! He did this with the OW! I miss the security I had that gave life a sense. I miss going through the day without a though of sadness and triggers. I miss the easiness of expressing love. I miss being able to simply specify, loving is….
We cope by making time for each other, talking and counseling, and learning meditation, crying together, and having a tone of patience for each other and infinite hope that we can make it.
What is the single biggest impact that the affair has had on you?
It destroyed my 35 year marriage.
How have you managed to cope with the effects of this impact?
I moved out of our home, the house we bought over 30 years ago, raised our four children in, did life together in. I had an amazing blessing at that time, another house to move into…it’s beautiful and peaceful, although too big and empty. I filed for divorce. I went to work every day despite the incredible pain. I loved and prayed for my kids who were nearly as devastated as I was, oftentimes at 3 in the morning. I received the love and support of many friends, my sisters, the children in my class. I trusted God to carry me. He has. I watched in amazement as He began to work after I made a decision to forgive. Not to reunite, nor even have a casual friendship. Just forgive.
Most days I’m pretty happy, don’t obsess a lot, and find purpose and meaning in my life. Today as I consider remarriage and tried on the clothes I bought, I don’t like the way I look and wonder if I’m ready. We are buying a new house, but I think I need a lobotomy or Alzheimers or amnesia. I don’t feel that okay today.
RCR, you have been so inspirational, just remember, time, I know, sometimes it feels like we will run out of it (and I guess, in reality, we will) but don’t rush anything, just try to value how far you’ve come, both of you, I hope this “funk” (how to understate!) will pass soon….
Anita, I can totally relate to your feelings about another relationship. Part of our healing should be to be able to accept new love, but I seriously doubt that for myself, also, I hope you can eventually be open to it 🙂
The impacts on me are, not surprisingly, many and far-reaching. The most crippling impact has been the new doubt it created, or perhaps uncovered, in myself. I had previously thought myself strong and resilient, and it’s been a very long and hard climb to try to reclaim any of that.
In attempting to overcome how I feel about myself, I have tried many avenues, counselling, in various guises, medication, research, including this site, talking to and communicating with my ex, and just venting here!
The effects on my family are really yet to be seen. My kids SEEM fine, but then, so did I for 25 years after my parents’ divorce. The financial impact on me is severe. We own real estate worth millions, which our business is located on, but it will take a long time to realise any of its worth in this market, so I am making do for now, with small income, doubt about where I will be living in the short and medium term, etc, which is fine, I don’t need a lot, however, I worry constantly about the kids, and whether I will be able to help the last two enough with their tertiary education, I have discovered that I was more materialistic than I would have liked to admit. And I worry about what my eventual share will be, and when that may be likely to be realised, not very nice thoughts about my greed. That said, I know we will be okay, even if none of it eventuates. The uncertainty it has created is a little scary, I’m trying to change my thinking to see it as exciting, and freeing, lol!
By far the biggest impact for me is the loneliness I feel. I have had to isolate myself from the people I saw as friends (and now realise were not particularly good friends) as they can’t understand. The walls I have built around myself in this regard are staggering.
Hi Paula,
Your right some friends do not understand, and its not because of you, its because they have never had to deal
with the misfortune of a break up caused by an affair.
They don’t understand, actually I was one of those people
also, until it happened to me. However I was fortunate
enough to learn who my real friends were, and who wasn’t.
It turned out only a couple of them weren’t as close as I thought they were. Were still friends however I no longer
confide in them
Maybe someday I will open my heart to love again, but right now I just want a friendship verses a relationship. Hopefully sometime this month I will finally be the owner of
the house I have lived in for a couple of years. This also
plays a part in why I want a friendship and not a relationship. After my divorce I also had to start over from
scratch and with God’s help I am finally getting into a place
again financially where I can do things again.
I have gotten use to being single and yes even selffish,
I get control over the remote control, cook what I want, when
I want, and do what I want to do and come and go as I please. A few months back one of my children and his
family had to move in with me until the house they bought
came available. That when I realized how much I have
changed from when I was married and my children lived
at home, even though I love them with every fiber
of my being, I am glad their all grown up and have their
own lives and their own homes.
So I have changed, and enjoy my single life. It isn’t so much I fear a broken heart, to love again, but its giving
up a lifestyle that I am comfortable with, but then comes
this friendship I wasn’t expecting. However since I
can only take one day at a time I am just going to enjoy
that tasty barbeque, and watch the fireworks tonight.
Thank you, Anita! Hope you enjoy the bbq. I honestly think trust is over rated, myself. I heard something I liked the other nite. “Trust, but verify.” If I have to start over I would require a lot more of my guy, to say the least. People think it’s old fashioned, but there wouldn’t be many opposite sex friendships , no little texts, and calls, and emails, no time alone. If he has a problem with that, he is not for me ! I think it is great you are interested in someone. I know your faith is important to you, and that really helps. Both my marriages were civil ceremonies. Never again, it will be in a church, by a minister. I have been at the same church and have seen so many strong families and marriages that have lasted, it is wonderful! My husband will go a couple of times a year, but I would love it if he were a regular!
Gizfield,
I find your logic rather interesting regardling civil versus church marriages. Some of the people I know that have been torned apart by their CS affairs have regularly attended church. They were so much more devasated by it than most; in fact they were less tolerant of the affair.
I am not sure that it is fair to insinuate that civil ceremonies are not as strong as religious marriages.
I believe that it is the soul of the person that makes the marriages, not the building they worship in. As for ministers, they too have their fair share of marital problems so it stands to reason that they are performing the marriage rituals with all the hope that the marriage will survive everything but they cannot gaurantee it.
Before everyone gets their dander up, I am not poking fun at anyone’s religious freedoms, I just think that it doesn’t matter whether you marry in a church or a civil ceremony, what matters is how the two people conduct themselves within the confines of their marriage.
Battlehorn,
Your right infidelity is as old as the Bible itself, the Bible
has many many verses on infidelity, it was happening back
then as well as it is today. However in church we are taught to be sexually moral. However since we are not
perfect and we all commit sin, that’s why Jesus died for us,
to remove our sins. By Jesus’s death and his Resurrection
on the third day (Easter), we are saved for those who believe in him. Even the people who commit adultery and
repent of this sin is forgiven. We are also to forgive others
who hurt us.
I will tell the straight up truth and I know from experience, if you want to find a girl thats been repressed, go to a church, those girls are ready to break free and go wild, everything a teenage boy dreams of.
Amen, halaluya, the man speaks logical.
Hi Gizfield,
I am in a happy content place in my life now, and I am more
than happy to remain single. I do not know if I want to get
involved in a relationship again. I always wondered why
some female widows never wanted to be involved with a
man again, that was until I discovered why after my civil
divorce. I am happy with my lifestyle and I am getting more
set in my own ways, to get involved is something I need
to think about. However for now I need to take one day
at a time.
Gizfield,
I believe in being old fashioned myself, I have learned
unless the man buys the cow, you don’t give away the
milk for free. This day and age I’m reserved in
not giving out free milk, I Iearned years ago that if I am
worth waiting for then maybe I won’t have to go through
the heartbreak of a divorce ever again. However by me
not giving it up, I won’t have to put myself through relationships where all they want is the free milk. I guess
maybe with me being older and wiser with God’s help
I am more independent. I won’t do that kind of behavior
again to have man or to keep one. Instead they will have
to step to the plate and be one that I can respect.
Gizfield, my best to you and your husband.
Happy 4th to everyone. Its been a long time sinse I commented. My husband and I are still separated and he is still having his online affair. My husband has had numerous affairs the whole 22 years we have been married. Our children are older now so this is really affecting them. I have sufferd major health problems caused by stress at what he has done. I cannot believe his selfishness through this whole thing. He has given everything up for someone he has never met. Any women in her right mind would have left a long time ago but something in me wont let me give up. We have never tried counseling. I sudjested it a couple of days ago and he said no. I told him I would continue to pray for him. I realize that we cannot work on our marriage until his online affair ends. I dont see that happening anytime soon. I think if they were to ever meet they would probably be dissapointed because the face to face will not be able to live up to the fantasies they have created in their minds about each other. She keeps backing out at the last minute whenever they make arrangements to meet. In the mean time he spends all of his time on the computer chatting with her. Our family has been destroyed and I dont think he even cares. He is looking pretty rough these days though. He has gained alot of weight and smokes likme a chimney. He looks so tired but he insists that this woman makes him happy. How can he be happy when everything around him is crashing down?
I saw a story EXACTLY like this on television! Married man and his lady friend had online romance but she never would met him. He finally tracked her down at her house. A MOTHER had been pretending to be her teenage daughter! Someone got murdered and the husband was in prison!! Talk about delusional.
I saw that movie on Lifetime. It is exactly what I am going through. There has to be a reason why she does not want to meet him. I think she has something to hide,
Monica, I dont have any experience with online relationships but when I was single I didn’t think it was something I would like. I think you know more about a person just meeting them once, I just get good or bad vibes off people. You may have heard a persons life story but that dont mean you know them. I doubt very seriously your husband relationship is “love” but try telling him that. He would have to meet her expectations as well. But somebody who sits around on the internet with another woman’s husband doesn’t have her standards set very high, does she, lol? It is strange, do you know anything about her?
I didnt see the movie, Monica, this was one of those true documentary crime shows. Probably the same person though.
I forgot to say I bet she definitely isn’t what she says she is. My husband and I laugh because my brother told us one night he met a supermodel and an international spy in a chat room on the Same Night. Uh huh, he is so naive.
Gizfield do you think my husband is so deep in the fog that he does not care about anything? He says he is in love with her but How can you fall in love with someone you have never met? All of this is tearing me apart. I wonder if he will ever come out of this fantasy world he is living in and start facing reality?
The single biggest impact on me? That I am no longer the person I use to be. Two days ago I was talking with my daughter (who does not know about her dads affair) about the tremendous guilt I feel for not being all that involved in my grandchildrens life especialy compared to my daughter in laws mother who takes them to Disneyworld twice a year, buys them whatever they want etc….. She said mom “you aren’t like you use to be with us” she said”you were always the one who wanted to do everything…to go everywhere and try fun things…now it seems you just want to stay at home”. I wanted to scream THIS IS WHAT YOUR FATHER DID TO ME but of course I didn’t. So here I sit kind of reclusive…not wanting to socialize much allthough I enjoy it when I do. So I guess the affair changed me into someone else…..someone who I dont know. I wish I could come back but the old me trusted, was happy all of the time, loved life…..the new me struggles to get through everyday.
Broken2 why doesn’t your daughter know about the affair? She’s an adult, isn’t she? I don’t understand protecting your H from an adult child, especially when she can see a change in you?
It seems to me that the CS really does get away with a lot….how many of us haven’t told anyone about the affair, or just a close friend?
We, the BS, really ARE loyal, aren’t we?? My children know about the EA…I’d prefer that my two youngest didn’t know, they were 10 and 14 at the time….but my older two, yes,I told them….I wanted them to know why their mom was a basket case, always in tears, scatterbrained, not keeping the house as clean as usual.
They were really disappointed with their dad…but I didn’t want to take the rap for HIM at the time!
Crazy, crying mom, calm, relaxed dad! No way! He did this, he can own it!
Theresa…I can understand your feelings but thats a choice I made as well as my husband. The only one of our children who knows is our 30 year old and he only knows because he heard us arguing one day when he came over. I dont feel its any of their business. He made the choice to cheat…you are right but he didnt cheat on them he cheated on me and I just dont feel that their relationship should be tainted because of it. I may be all wrong on this but I have read many schools of thought on telling adult children and not telling them. Thats the one I chose.
Broken2, I understand, I just think Teresa may have been suggesting if you are so alone and struggling, and your daughter has noticed, that maybe getting her support (and it’s not about sides) even by telling her that you and her Dad have had a tough time, and it has impacted on your personality (without details) may at least maintain your own good relationship with her? She must think there’s something wrong with you, however, I totally respect your choice, and think it a strong and brave one.
It is not my daughters place to hear my problems and be my friend …she doesn’t deserve the pain nor is it fair to tell her. I dont believe in making my kids feel my pain because of my husbands choices.
Yes, Paula…that’s what I meant.
Teresa – I would argue that even though he “didn’t cheat on them” ; he did betray their mom, he betrayed their trust (every kid trusts their parents love each other and would never hurt each other). So I do think it is also their business, as the EA is also affecting your grandchildren. I do respect your brave decision of not telling them, but I do think the EA is a family issue and not just a 2 people problem.
This issue is highly debated. There are times you absolutely must tell your children in times of seperation or divorce but even then I feel that age appropriate words are important and the message that both parents love them and what happened isnt their fault. However telling kids because their dad screwed up and he needs to face the music with everyone including the kids is incredibly selfish and I dont agree with it. I dont believe it is necessary to tell adult children who have their own lives away from you just to relieve yourself of your burden and pput it on your children. They are not my friends to tell them about what my husband did. They deserve to live their lives free from our problems. Children should never have to carry the emotional burden of their parents. Read the stats about kids who come from households where a parent cheats and perhaps your opinion may be different. Anyways its my choice not anyone elses.
Broken2 you are so right, it’s your family and your decision. Only you know your exact situation and know your children. I think there are some BS’s that tell their children as a way to get them “on their side” or to bad mouth their CS, and I don’t agree with that. I try very hard not to say anything negative about my H to my kids or any family member for that matter. They have their own relationship with him and it’s not my place to influence that. Except, of course, to encourage my daughter by reassuring her that her dad loves her and would never hurt her. (although there were times when he Chose to be with the OW and be away from his daughter, and I see this as a betrayal to her, I would NEVER tell her this). I think it takes more courage to hold back and not yell “your father did this to me!” Anyway, my decision also was because my husbands parents divorced when he was young, because of infidelity, and it wasn’t handled well IMO. He wasn’t told, but figured it out when mommy took the kids to live with another man. And I didn’t tell her, I had my H tell her. Yes I told him to tell her, but in his way in his time. If he had refused I don’t know what I would have done. I felt we needed to be in agreement on this as with all things parenting related, to show her solidarity. But, it is a very personal decision. You’re right, it’s YOUR burden, not the kids. It sucks. One of the reasons I was SO angry was because I felt he put this burden on me. If he had just left me, it would have been on him. But instead, he cheated, then asked me to stay with him. So know the burden was mine. This decision didn’t just impact me, it would affect my whole family, and he put that burden on me. Selfish bastard. I don’t think they realize the magnitude of the impacts an affair has. Not just the pain and betrayal. Like this issue, when and if to tell the kids. Our actions now aren’t just to heal ourselves, but to be a pillar of strength for those that depend on us. To be role models for how to handle adversity. When I want to lie in a ball and cry, I can’t. When I want to get in my car and just drive for a few days, to get away, to think, I can’t. When I’m angry and want to yell a few curse words, I can’t. How I handle myself is now a complicated issue with consequences. It pisses me off. He changed the rules.
Anyway, Broken2 I hope you don’t take my thoughts on my decision personally. I did what I needed for my family, and you did what you needed for yours. Period. I think keeping It to yourself is difficult, when it would be so much easier just to blurt it out and get sympathy from her. But you’re right, it’s not her job to feel sorry for you. It’s your job to be strong for her. It’s a tough call, just one more thing we have to deal with when we didnt ask for this.
LB…I would never think poorly of your decision. Every situation is different and people have different views. Many feel the kids need to know because kids aren’t stupid they know and feel when things aren’t right. What I disagree with is the attitude that some people have that their spouse cheated so the kids should know so he or she can be further humiliated for what they did. Do they deserve the humiliation….ABSOLUTELY but the children do not deserve the pain. I am talking about adult children that dont live at home. They have a wonderful relationship with him…he is a great father and because he made a mistake he doesn’t auto maticaly become redused to a horrible father. It is a selfish act to share your problems with your adult children…..they are not my “friends” in the fact that they are my children and no not need to be burdened with my burdens. I dont feel the need to get back at my husband by bad mouthing him or relating what he did to my kids. Just my opinion and again every circumstance is different.
Well said, Broken2, every situation, and everyone’s choices about how to handle things are different, and I TOTALLY respect your decision about your adult children. There is NO way I would ever put my children’s father down in front of them, and I would NEVER play “who’s side are you on?” He’s their Dad forever, and he’s been a good one, and will continue to be, and I would never want to muck about with that. I’m with Gizfield about how I have thought about how to (and how I actually have) talk to my kids about my past – or more specifically the group of friends I grew up with – I was a prettty “good” girl, lol! I’m for truth, but respectfully so, and never at all costs! I’m also completely for whatever each person judges to be the best in their own personal lives, and others opinions are their own only 🙂
Ocanas it was broken 2 who didn’t tell her adult children…not me…I believe that adult children should be told the truth, if they are seeing and commenting on the BS change of behavior….and I think it should be the BS decision whether they are told….NOT the CS!
Of course the CS would NOT want their adult children to know…it so much easier to carry on as if nothing has happened AND they get to keep THEY’RE reputation…while trashing their spouses to the OW!
And I don’t believe it will cause the adult children pain, other than initially on learning that their parent isn’t what they thought…also, I do believe that it DOES help the CS see the pain an affair causes, and in the future they will consider this, if ever faced with that temptation again!
But this is my opinion, others certainly don’t have to agree with me…I do feel strongly though, that the CS has forfeited ALL rights to have a say in the matter, just as they forfeited their BS rights to have a say in whether they wanted to be in affair recovery for years and years!
Right Teresa – sorry – meant the comment for Broken2
What I do agree with Broken2 is that we should not tell them if we will make them more harm than good. If their lives are being affected, I strongly believe they should know what is going on; because their imagination will make them think worse things than what the real problem is. My $0.02
Teresa,
I have to agree with you. My children were older and knew
what was going on, I have to actually give my exhusband
credit here, he was the one who told them. He was honest
and didn’t hide the fact he was involved in an affair.
Yes at first they were rightfully so upset with him however
they forgave him. From the get go I told my children that
this was between their dad and I and there was no need to
take sides. We each have our own relationship with our
children and the past does heal.
I also told my family and friends, I felt no reason to keep
his affair secret, they were a hugh support system for
my children and I.
My exhusband lost his right to keep his affair secret when
he cheated, It was my right to have my family and friends
and no one has the right over what I can or not say to my
family or friends.
My boys are 25 and 20, when they learn what their mom was doing it about crippled them both, don’t underestimate the effects on adult children.
Teresa, I agree with you 100 %.
Rachel what exactly do you agree with 100%? Telling your children no matter what the cost is to them or telling them to relieve yourself of your burden and make sure they know its their father causing all of the trouble? You didnt say.
Broken2
Why didn’t your husband tell them? I give my exhusband
credit in telling our children that he was involved wih another woman. Yes at first they were upset with him,
however they forgave him over time. My children didn’t
have to wonder what was going on with me, instead they
offered me love and comfort. I didn’t bash their dad to
them either, I let them know there was no need to take
sides and we each have our own relationship with them.
I felt no reason to hide the truth from my family or friends
either, it wasn’t a bash the cheating spouse, instead they
helped me to see that it was unhealthy to remain in that
relationship as long as my exhusband was involved with
another woman. My exhusband made the choice to
cheat, I also had the right to go to my family and friends
for my own comfort. My oldest daughter came to me
and asked why I let her dad treat me like this. I could
see she loved me enough to let me know it was ok for
me to leave the marriage. I didn’t drag my children
in the middle of this, however they were ok with us
divorcing. Yes it hurt them, however they also forgave
it also. We all are much happier now and the past
does heal. Divorce can also bring healing from staying
in a unhealtly relationship, as well as staying in a
marriage if the cheating spouse repents and the
betrayed spouse can forgive and leave the past behind.
However no one has control over who you talk to,
on what you can say or not say. My exhusband was
man enough to let our children know. A couple years
later it was my exhusband who apologized to all of
us, and owned this. I gave him credit for being a
man and for taking responsibilty, and my children
and I now see a man who has changed into a better
person. He’s remarried to another woman he met
later and our children and I are happy for them. Also
my family and friends are very nice to him also.
Broken2,
My children were more upset seeing their dad cheat on me, their mother, then it was for them to see us divorce.
At least when their dad was a single man again, he wasn’t cheating, instead he was dating. This does make a big
difference. I also stayed out of my exhusband life after we
divorced. He was free to date and see whoever he pleased. As I mentioned he found a really nice woman
that he ended up marrying and I am happy for them.
Everyone has healed from all of this, so we all are happy
again.
I know this is painful for you, and I wish you and your spouse the best. Even if you never tell your children
in time this will heal for you also, and in time it won’t
matter if they know or not.
Anita….WE did not tell our chilodren for the numerous reasons I have stated before.My husband would do anythng I asked him to do including telling everyone we know what he did but I dont feel that its anyones business nor do I feel that my kids need to know so they can “comfort” me. I’m really glad for you that you are one big happy family and everyone has forgiven everyone and your husband is so happy with another woman. You are different from me because none of your circumstance would bring me any kind of healing.
I’m glad divorce is such a healing state for you as well.
Your ex husband isnt anymore of a “man” since he was man enough to tell the world he is a cheater then my husband.
I do not beleive that when children live outside your home as adults that they need to feel your pain …feel your burden so you and your spouse can relieve yourselves. If a child lives at home and seperation and divorce are an issue then thats another matter.
Children, family and friends quite often have loyalty to one spouse or the other and telling the world is quite often not a great idea (READ THE BLOG REGARDING WHO YOU TELL). Im glad you are all happy again but you are fooling yourself if you think that telling your children every detail of your life and divocing because of cheating will not and has not affected them, their current or future relationships.
I give my husband credit for being man enough for making the changes he needed to make to save our marriage…to keep our family whole and to continue to be there for his children as a family unit. I give my husband credit for being man enough for apologizing to me the person he cheated on.
Do you honestly believe that your kids think “my dad is so great, he cheated on my mom but he told us all so that makes it ok, (hes man enough) then they got divorced because of it but he is single now so seeing him with other woman feels good now and hes married and happy so hes a good man now”. I just dont agree with all of that but hey think what you want.
Forgiving ones father and experiencing the pain of a parents divorce and a parents cheating are two different things. We can all forgive and move on but the scars left on our souls and the souls of our children will never go away. I choose to leave as few scars with my children as possible because it is my job to protect them …not my job to use them as a means of comfort for my pain.
Cheating is an ugly mess and we all deal with it differently. We all find our happiness at the end of the tunnel differently. I dont agree with you on this issue and I dont agree with telling children unless the circumstances absolutely warrent it. It also makes me very upset when I read comments such as well he did it so he has to live up to it and face the music with everyone…he gave uo that right so I can tell everyone I want, That is selfish and it is using children as pawns in a game and is something I read over and over again in blogs here. Not saying thats what you said…I am saying that is what I read here alot. He cheated so he has no rights as a human being anymore and I am gonna tell everyone and he can live with it is a common theme on the blog and its wrong.
I made my chpice…its not your chpice
Broken2. I strongly agree with most everything you have said! Thanks for the excellent post. I, too, get a bit disgusted with the statements I often see that are something to the effect that the cheater did what they did and not they have to live with the consequences including the added guilt and shame brought on due to the BS letting everyone know what the CS did to them. I think a point is being missed here. Yes, the CS does have to live with the consequences of their affair. However, the “consequences” (better term would be something like the “fallout”) that occurs after the affair is disclosed to third parties are not consquenses of the affair, but consequenses of the disclosure, and could have been avoided by the BS and CS. The real consequences of the affiar are those that cannot be avoided as they flow simply as a result of the affiar having occurred and been discovered by the BS, or disclosed to the BS by the CS. If I were a CS and hurt my W as a result, I could understand having to deal with the unavoidable consequences. Having to deal with “consequences” that could have been avoided, like dealing with family and friends who now know about my affair but did not have to know, would I believe have made me less inclined to do what my W might have wanted me to do to help her heal and more likely to decide to end our marriage, which is sad, because assuming that I was truly sorry for my mistakes and otherwise willing to put in the effort to save the marriage, my W and I might have lost a chance to reach genuine forgiveness and a happier and healthier marriage.
Tryingtoiwife, I can so relate. I think the hardest part is realizing that my view of life and my past is not the same. My reality has been changed. I am no longer trusting, of anyone, not even myself. There was a recent post about learning to trust yourself again, and I’m struggling with that. Im struggling with my judgements and my perceptions, even my decision to stay in the marriage. I liked my life before dday(s). Now I question it. Someone responded that our memories have to be reevaluated (or something like that) because now good memories have a different connotation in hindsight. But I know not all of the good memories were false, and trying to sort them out is overwhelming. I’m sad that I can’t just go back. I’m sad that my perspective has changed. It truly is a grieving process. I don’t want to build a new life and/or a new marriage, I want what I thought I had! I’m stuck in that thinking and it’s making it hard for me to “move on.” but the reality is, my life IS different. My husband ISN’T the man I thought. When I try to explain to him that his affair wasn’t based on real life, it was a fantasy, an escape, I realize that my view of him was also a fantasy, what I thought he was versus who he really is. So I can see how he still romanticizes the affair, as he still is seeing it through rose colored glasses. And I’m still seeing him through my cloudy glasses, therefore expecting of him what I expect, instead of what he’s capable of.
I’m working on the concept of making myself happy. Depending only on myself. But this is difficult since I don’t trust myself yet. I took the advice of another blogger to take a break, and recently visited a friend a couple hours away for a couple days. It was enlightening. Being away helped me see things a little more objectively (mainly myself). And it scared my H. I told him I was dreading coming back. Although I’ve wanted a separation before, he always refused to leave and I never followed through with leaving. I want to stay with him, but I realize now that I can’t and won’t stay if it means I lose myself, and if I don’t get effort from him. So I guess the biggest impact is not trusting myself and my view of reality. And I don’t cope, not really. I feel stuck. I can only control myself, I can only depend on myself, yet I doubt myself. And although I can’t control him, there are things I need from him in order to feel secure again. Even though the affair is over, it was the OW that finally ended it for good after I texted her. Once I became a “real” person she decided she didn’t want to “be in the middle of our family problems.” Too late. So he is still in the fog. I’ve told him I’m willing to wait and allow him to “get over” her, but he doesn’t make any acknowledgement of this, he feels that since it’s over I should be able to move on. I can’t move on until I know his heart is with me only. I’ve lost that sense of security that I had for so many years. I never doubted that he loved me and only me, now I feel i will always doubt that. Being second choice is worse, I would have preferred he had just left me. And the fact that I’m settling for this, that’s not who I thought I was. I really have lost myself.
LotusBlooming – Like you I resent that my husband selfish act of betrayal and stating that he never wanted to leave me IS like, as I told him: You removed the pin of a hand grenade and put into my hands and let me decide where to through it!
But he already hat decided to explode our family my love for him and how I saw him when he entered the adultery. It is not a pretty picture!
But I also, without my husband’s help, would not be able to have healed to the way I feel today. I do feel a bit stronger than 1 year, 2 years ago, and I hope that one day this will be really just a faint pain in my heart.
There where days that without his help, I would not have been able to get to the end of the day. It is the case of, the one that cause such hurt, had to be the helper in my/our healing.
I’ve had many breaks by myself (as I did not do before), to gather strength in this battle, on my birthday and wedding anniversary, which I refuse to celebrate, as he started the physical part of his affair, 3 days before, and went on to celebrate as a good liar he became, our 19th wedding anniversary! Being away was the only way I could have coped! I also asked him to leave once, when I was so lost in pain that I could not progress in our healing, and his presence was such a painful trigger that I could not cope. After I allowed him back, I did with the knowledge that he was a major tool and was the help I needed in our/my healing.
And like broken2, I don’t believe in fog, and hold my husband 100% accountable for his choices, and therefore 100% responsible in helping me to make our lives better. Take good care of yourself first and all! We are here for you.
OOOps – misspelling to throw it !!! Sorry!
Lotus Blooming…..To give you some form of comfort and hope..everything you are feeling…anyone that goes through this feels. The loss of self…the safety….wanting back the marriage pre affair…all of it.I have felt itall and I feel so bad for you. Sometimes I cant read the feelings of those just beginning their journey because they invoke such pain. I wanted back what I had…..but you will never get that back…its gone forever. Until your husband gives 100% of himself to the recovery of you and your marriage you will not move beyond this point. He has to give up all contact with the OW, talk open and honestly to you about every detail you want to know…..he has to acknolwedge the devastating pain he has caused you and be truly sorry for it…THEN and only then can you begin to heal. You will regain your sense of security allthough you wont be so trusting ever again. You will learn to accept that you cant have your old marriage back that it will be a new and sometimes better marriage because you are wiser and you will have both learned many new lessons. It is normal to lose all trust in everything including our own judgement because after all we trusted the one person in our lives who was suppose to not hurt us and betray us and yet they did. I dont want to get into the affair fog thing because I beleive people know exactly what they are doing…they just want it all. You will have to decide what you are willing to put up with because reality is you hold the cards in your hand now. You can wait and see if he begins to change or you can draw a line in the sand and demand the change. I dont know its different for everyone. You are not the crazy one…you are the VICTIM. Take back your control over your life. Work on you…your health…your needs…your desires…..make you the priority. Neediness is not attractive and sometimes when we begin to work on ourselves the CS thinks “hey I’m nt the center of the universe anymore whats up with that”. Try and remain strong…this is a LONG and painful journey. I am 22 months since dday and allthough I still have bad days I am here to tell you…it can work out.
Well said Broken2 !
Thank you Broken… Finding this site (among others) helps me cope. Most of the time the comments I read are exactly what I’m feeling but unable verbalize. Or sometimes unable to even recognize. Trying to express how I feel, how I’m impacted, to my husband, so that I can effectively express what I need from him is like banging my head against a wall. Just knowing that others feel or have felt the same way not only reassures me that these feelings are normal, but are also valid. He’s trying, but not making as much of an effort as I need. Sometimes I start to think that I’m over demanding (again, not trusting myself) but seeing that other BS’s had the the same needs reassures me that I’m not, that I am being reasonable. Intellectually I already know this, but of course the doubt creeps in, and the intellect and the emotion aren’t always on the same page.
On another note, in my situation I felt my children needed to know. At first I didn’t, I wanted to protect them at all costs (and still would if I could) but there came a time when I seriously needed a break, and tried to separate (he stayed away a couple days then moved into the spare room for a couple weeks). We have a 13 yo daughter, who is very perceptive, and I didn’t want her thinking I was just kickin him out over an argument. So I made my H tell her why. I did struggle with it. But my decision was based on trying to be a role model, and to show her that I would not split up our family unless it was absolutely necessary. I talked to her about it after, not the affair itself, but I explained to her that our family is the most important thing to me, and I would not separate from her dad unless it was absolutely necessary. I told her that we both loved her and we love each other, but that an affair is not acceptable behavior, and we were doing what we could to fix our marriage. I felt stuck: I need to teach my children that you don’t just leave a marriage when times get hard, but also that you don’t have to be a doormat. I don’t want her growing up thinking that infidelity is a normal and acceptable part of life. Then I told our sons, both adults, because I knew she would want to talk with them about it. And she did. If all my children had been grown and gone I don’t know if i would have told them or not. I think it’s a very personal decision, and it depends a lot on the dynamics within each family. Anyway, she is adjusting well. My sons both told me they felt I should leave my H, but would support whatever division I made, and they don’t treat their dad any differently. I think they understand that this is between US, not them, and although they’ve both expressed that they don’t condone what he did and they are angry, he didn’t do it to THEM, so they don’t take it personally. My parents also know. Again, I didnt tell them at first (I told no one at first, partly out of shame and embarrassment), but they have been a big support system, and also don’t treat my H any differently. However, that’s a whole other story (me and H met at age 14 and my parents have been like parents to him, he is not close with his). Anyway, you have to do what’s best for your family. And each family is different. My hope is that someday my daughter will look back, and see that my husband and I worked very hard for each other, and she will learn that relationships are work, and will be more confident in herself annher own relationships, marital or otherwise. I can’t protect her from this ever happening to her, but if it does, I hope she sees from me that she’ll survive.
I had not told my daughter anything about her father wanting a divorce and running around on me. About a month ago I caught him talking/texting this woman again. I threw him out and he was gone three days. She is almost nine years old, so of course she wanted to know why he was gone. I didnt want her to think it was her fault, or mine for that matter, so I told her a very basic version of the truth. That he had “dated” someone else and thought that was more important than being at home. She was upset he was gone but hasn’t mentioned it since he came back. The first night he was gone I had her call him, she started crying and said she missed him. The next night I asked her if she wanted to call and she said she wanted to watch tv. I hope seeing what he is risking to talk to this chick gets through to him before it’s too late…
LotusBlooming, I agree with your above post about truth for children at home, when there is separation. I was in the same boat, my at home children had to have an explanation when I asked their father to leave about 9 months after Dday, and I thought it best to tell them the kindest version of the truth I could. I used similar language, truthful, about how hard I had tried to forgive the affair, which was over, and how hard their father had tried to show his remorse and how he knew that what he did, when he was feeling very alone and under pressure, was very wrong, and very hurtful, but that we were still close friends, we still loved them to bits, and nothing would ever change that. I also wanted to be a good role model to them, showing them that cheating is unacceptable, and there are serious and hurtful consequences, but that we hadn’t given up straight away, we had wroked hard with counselling, and lots of love, to try to “fix” it. Because this affair was with a person they had considered almost “family, ” they guessed who it was, I had no intention of telling them, they asked, and I said I didn’t think they needed to know, but they ALL guessed. I later asked if they knew already, and they all said they had no idea, but once they heard what had happened, they all knew immediately who the AP was. Both of us have told them that they are very welcome to ask any questions, any time, if they feel the need. Their father has been very honest with them, telling them that it was by far and away the stupidest and most embarrassing thing he has ever done in his life, the biggest mistake, and that he is very sorry for the pain and chaos it has caused for all of us. None of them seem to be too traumatised at this stage (about 2 and a half years after they were told) but I do worry about their future relationships because of what happened to this previously very good one. They all commented how we were such a good team, and seemed so much more “cool” and in love than most of their friends’ parents. I told them we were, but no one is immune to outside influence, especially when the communication hasn’t been quite what it once was.
I certainly agree that whether to tell your children about this type of thing is an individual choice. Not sure of the statistics but that doesn’t really influence me. My role in my daughter’s life is that of most Important Teacher. I am her “friend”in the aspect that she can, and always will be, able to tell me anything. I had already thought about what to tell her about my past (drinking, drugs, sex, etc.in college, abusive, alcoholic first husband, what not) . I decided I will be completely truthful with her about any and every thing I have done. I have learned so much from my past, and if I can help her avoid ANY of the mistakes I have made it wil be worth it. she wil probably face most of the same things in time, and I am hoping it wil help guide her to know I faced them too, and maybe deal with them more effective ly. And I dont plan to go into any derails about stuff , but she needs to know what to look for, and that even GOOD people make horrible mistakes too.
Thanks everyone for sharing. It will be a year next month that H left me for the woman he met online in April. She’s from a city 4 hrs away, married with a young child. H told me after a 2 mo. online EA they were in love. He told me he needed space and wanted to be alone for a week. I had no idea there was OW. He brought her to town, wined and dined her for 2 nights, then came home. While they were together at a high rise hotel only 4 miles from our house, I was all alone giving him space. Right before he left I fell apart and ended up in extensive outpatient therapy. It did a lot of good and I was able to return to work after 7 wks off. I lost 15 lbs the 1st week I found out about her, dropping to 97 lbs. I was able to see a doctor for meds to help me cope. Before all this I enjoyed excellent health.
It was a year this month that we were married–13 yrs ago. Going thru this first year, I suffered with the good memories, wondering how easy it could be for him to kick me to the side and let her resume his life in my place. The first 11 years were great, but we had issues 2 months before they met. He selfishly made his decision on her based on those 2 months of issues.
I still love my H. I’ve known him for 25 yrs. I know him inside and out, and I understand him. However, after he left he became extremely hostile toward me. Oh, he had already blamed me for all his issues and that his life would finally be better if he got rid of me and hooked up with OW. At least now I know it wasn’t all my fault, and that there is never justification for infidelity.
Still seeing the doc, taking meds, and going to therapy weekly while the spend romantic weekends together. I know our lives together as I knew are gone and over. I’ve learned to be happy on my own and successful as a single. I have a good life but it will never be the same. Hugs to you all!
This weekend I think my H really ‘got’ what impact his infidelity has had on me. We had a very difficult and emotional discussion where he mentioned that he thought I was still scared of him. I realised that, and told him, that discovering that he’d been unfaithful for a great deal of our married life had made me feel like I have never been enough for him and that no matter what I did I would never feel like I was enough for him in the future.
I think the penny really dropped for him at that point just how his selfish actions could be seen by everyone except him previously. He now says that his mission is to make me feel wanted in our relationship. It’s taken 10 months to get to this point. Ever since Dday#1 it has been my mission to address the issues that ‘helped’ him be unfaithful. It’s taken him 10 months to realise what he needs to do to help me to stay.
chiffchaff – When I first found out about my husband affair, it made me feel as you said, that I was not enough for him, no matter that I spent years working so hard alongside supporting him, and all was for nothing!
I asked him why was, that I was not enough for him? to which he replied: “- you were always enough, more than enough, but I lost sigh of what I had, but now it beget the question: Am I enough for you? Can I be enough for you to choose me? to let me stay?
So now, I am still deciding that through this process. Yes, “if your husband gets it” he will give you the help you need.
Again, hearing everyone express ther “needs” is reassuring. I understand the concept of “the one that hurt me is the one I need to help me,” but I’m just not getting that help. I’ve been very specific with my H about what I need from him to help me. (ie: transparency, reassurance, affection, understanding of my moods, etc) Some days he says he gets it, some days he says it’s my issues. But the effort isn’t there. This weekend, as with most weekends, we were distant. My last day was about 2 months ago. And after a year and a half of trying to work on things, and finding out there was still contact, is taking its toll on me. I’m at a point where I just don’t know if it’s worth it, if I even want to stay with him. Our 25th anniversary is next month (we’ve been together 28 years) and I’m dreading it. Some days I think I can’t imagine not being with him, and some days I think I need to just let go and start my life new and alone. Just like I think his affair was an escape for him, a fantasy, I think maybe my hope that we’ll get better is just MY fantasy. Maybe I’m holding on because of our history, I don’t want to feel like a “failure” for giving up. But, growing old with him, becoming grandparents together, being role models for our children, losing all these things tears me up. My indecision is a roadblock to healing. But, I’m not getting what I need from him, mainly reassurance, so I’m not healing anyway. I’ve shown him this site and other sites, articles on building trust, he has books on saving marriage and getting past infidelity. I’ve been very clear about what I need. But I have no control over his actions. I can’t MAKE him understand or want to put in the effort. I’m really feeling like I need to just back off. He knows what I need, either he’ll give it or he won’t. In the meantime I’m trying to focus on myself. It’s difficult, to decide that I can only depend on myself for happiness, when i still need effort from him to move past the affair. It’s a contradiction. That’s when I start to feel like I need to get over him, instead of get over the affair. The sad part is, it’s when I resolve myself to leave, or separate, that he starts to make effort. When I get my mindset to where I feel I’ll be okay alone, that’s when he pulls me back in. I don’t want to leave just as a threat to make him “wake up.” If I leave it needs to be for me, because that’s best for me. It seems as time goes on it gets harder, and I get more confused about what to do. And I feel like I’m wasting time. But, I don’t want to do something I may regret later. So I sit here in limbo. Anyways, I didn’t have a good weekend. We tiptoed around each other and are civil but not close. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells (he says he feels that way too, uh, you should!) and Sometimes I feel like even an argument would be better, that at least that would be real interaction. But I’m tired of arguing and it never solves anything. I keep thinking if it gets to the point where I don’t want to be with him anymore, I’ll just know. But I don’t know. What I WANT is remorse and effort, to feel him making it up to me. But if it hasn’t happened after all this time, when do I give up?
Diane,
You will know when you have had enough, when the pain of
staying is worse than the pain of leaving.
Diane, I’m reading a book thata may help you “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” from Mira Kirshenbaum – based on her experience with couples, she tells you if people in your same situation were happier leaving or staying – using a series of well thought questions – give it a shot, it may help you make the final call
Yes, Well said Anita! I am sorry and I feel your pain Diane.
Same as Diane, i can relate to the indecision (and everything else you mentioned!) Something seems to happen when anniversary milestones approach. By the time we were ‘celebrating’ 20 years of marriage, my H was secretly cheating. On our 25th anniversary, he was head first into his PA, and spent lunch & dinner with his AP, claiming he ‘forgot’ it was our anniv….even after sending me flowers that morning. Something seems to happen that i notice is a common issue with other CSs…instead of helping their spouse, an outsider is brought in… ? As if that will solve everything. I just sent my H the definition of what selfish really means (as he continues to not take seriously all the damage thats been done.) it is unfortunate we are at the crossroads where i told him this morning…that i wish i had never met him. And i truly mean that. I think Anita is right…its coming to terms with knowing that the pain of staying IS worse than the pain of leaving …but this existence is truly NOT how i want to live my
Iife. THAT is clear.
21 months today …from DDay #1
Somehow it put my name (Diane) instead of my user name (LotusBlooming) just want to clarify that I am the same person, and thank you for the comments.
ChangedForever,
I can only speak for myself, from the time when I first found
out my exhusband last affair and after our divorce, it took about 3 or 4 years in total time to get over him and for the pain to stop and me forgiving the whole thing.
By the time 21 months had passed after me finding out about his last affair we were already divorced.
ChangedForever, my heart goes out to you.
ChangedForever,
I goofed in my timeline, at 21 months we filed for divorce
and at 24 months it was final. It took me about another
2 years to get over everything and forgive it. So it was close
to 4 years in total for my life to setttle and be happy again.
Again my best to you!
LotusBlooming–I can relate. I’m at the point now that I’m accepting he’s gone (after a year) and not on the fence about whether or not he’ll return. We all deserve so much better. Right now I’m content being with family and friends. I’ve done alot of work on myself this last year, to find out who I am, no longer in his shadow. I found that I love myself and understand why I should. I still feel the pain when I try to figure out the how’s and the why’s of H actions when we almost had it all. I really thought we did and was devastated when he told me he was leaving. He later told me about all the issues he had with me, stemming back 10 yrs ago. I had no idea he felt the way he did but the OW knew bec he talked to her instead of his wife. She said all the right things, made me out to be an old witch while making him feel like a king. Let’s keep focusing on ourselves to get better, leaving those 2 behind. They deserve each other–we deserve so much better!!
(Again, I am Diane by the way), Ocanas, that book sounds good… I looked it up and just from reading the synopsis I’m pretty sure it’s time to leave. I’m at the point where it’s not even about trust or forgiveness anymore, it’s about the way he treats me now. When he should be apologetic and trying to make it up to me, it’s more like its my fault, it’s my issue to “get over,” and my feelings aren’t valid, much less Important to him. When he’s the one person I need to help me heal, and he refuses, he becomes only a source of pain. I’m very sad, this isn’t what I wanted for my life. But then none of it is. He’s different since the affair. I feel like I am grieving his death, because the man I married just doesn’t exist anymore. In some ways it feels worse than death: if he had died I would have closure. He’s lost to me, but i will always wonder what could have been. Maybe I’m just looking at it the wrong way. Maybe I should view it as a new beginning, a chance to create my own happiness instead of staying in this pain that has become my life. But I’m not there yet. Anyway, I told him I was giving up. And I offered to move out if he won’t (I could go live with my parents, and take my daughter with me) but he said he didn’t want me to move, he would leave, but has nowhere to go right now so he’ll stay in the spare bedroom until he has a place to go. That in itself pisses me off. Again it’s like he can’t make a little effort. When I know how much effort he put into seeing the OW, the sneaking and lying, the time and money spent, and then when it comes time to do something for me, he can’t come up with a solution. It’s all excuses for just not wanting to.
This lack of effort, this apathy on his part, is what I can’t get past. If he were making effort for me, I would be able to deal with the trust and forgiveness part. If he were treating me well, I could deal with the affair. If he hadn’t had an affair, I could deal with the treatment (or trying to work on it). But all of it together is too much. There isn’t any reward, any positive things for me to look forward to. Lately, I’m relieved when he leaves for work, and I dread when he gets home. There’s my answer. And always before when I wanted to separate, it was with the thinking that I just needed a break, some time to think about things without the day to day stuff, for us to work on ourselves and see things from the outside, with the hopes of healing and coming together better. But this time, it’s with the thought that I need to get over HIM. To work on myself definitely, but I have no expectations of him working on himself. It is with the expectation that i will learn to be happy as a single. (I have been with him since I was 14, so learning to be single is going to be a huge task). I just cannot envision myself growing old without him by my side. But I know i have to try. I don’t see the point of growing old with him if we end up hating and hurting each other for the next 25 or so years.
Wow, just writing that out was cathartic. I’d like to hear more from those who separated and/or divorced, and how they healed…. Thank you
LotusBlooming, I am four months separated (finally) after trying for three years to “get over it.” My ex was actually finished his affair when his AP told me about it 6 weeks after he ended it, she was a childhood friend of mine, and he realised he’d made a stupid mistake early on in their affair, but she was a bunny boiling type, extorting money and time from him long after he was done with her, and it took him a long time to extract himself from her clutches and finally end it for good. He was completely remorseful, completely horrified at what he’d done, went to counselling, worked on us, was transparent, showed love, in short did (almost) everything right. I however eventually realised that I was never going to feel the same around or about him, I would always feel that I had “settled” for a man who didn’t love me enough to stay true to me, through the toughest of times, like I had loved and adored and put my all into him, so I left. Two kids still in tow, 25 years gone. My heart shredded and nothing inside of me left to give. Huge love still between the two of us. It is no better on my own, it is just as painful, there is much to sort through, but I have no regrets about my decision, as I was going nowhere staying, and you know the definition of madness, doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I know you will make the right choice for you, and I know how hard it is to try to launch out on your own, I was only 20 when we moved in together. I’m okay, and I always knew I would be, but I would rather I didn’t have to have gone through, and still be going through, such intense and excrutiating pain, and I would rather he’d been killed in some kind of freak accident than have the man I love with my all still walking around, and me not being able to be with him. He finds separation agonising, and he is a good man, who did a dumb and selfish thing, such a waste and such a shame. We’ll get there, you and me LB, love yourself, and trust yourself, you CAN do whatever you want or need.
Everyone on here is dealing with something and someone who has hurt them and trying to deal with it the best they can, usually through no fault of their own.. I dont believe there is a right our wrong answer about who to tell about infidelity. I doknow that”secrets” usually aren’t so secret, and it hurts more to find out the truth from a third party or by accident. I am not trying to get even with my spouse our anything like that but I’m not hiding like I did something wrong either. Most of my friends andfamily know about it so theres no secret to it, excrpt to his. Oh well.
Gizfield. How do most of your friends and family know about the affair? Did you tell them? If you did, do you think it has helped you and/or your spouse in terms of getting past the affair and on to a better and happier life/marriage?
How is keeping the existence/occurrence of an affair “hiding like [you] did something wrong”?
Of course, there is no right or wrong answer about who to tell about infidelity. But it’s no doubt helpful to those who are trying to decide who to tell to read about other persons opinions in this regard, and perhaps even more helpful to read about other persons’ experiences after having disclosed to friends or family the existence/occurrence of an affair.
I think that I posted this a long time ago. I did feel differently in terms of letting friends and family know about my W’s EA in the sense that if she was still in the midst of this affair at the time I discovered it and she refused to end it and stop all contact with her AP, then I would have let everyone know about her EA, but only after giving her the opportunity to end her EA and begin NC. I imagine that her EA would not be so much “fun” if it was no longer a secret between just my W and her AP, and doubt that it would have continued much longer after disclosure (my W confirmed that since the fear of having the EA discovered was a big part of her ending it, a threat of disclosure after discovery would have no doubt ended the EA as well).
Also, my husband knows pretty much everything there is to know about me an actually it doesn’t matter who he tells, or what. after a lifetime of secrets I’m done with them. The person who would suffer the most is the adultery partner cause of mutual friends.I doubt she wants her friends to know she dates other works women s husband s…
I had just had a wonderful visit with my oldest son…he knows about the EA, and asked how we are doing…I was able to tell him that his dad and I are doing pretty good….and shared some of what my H has learned from his therapist.
I’ll admit that I did cry a little as I explained that while we ARE doing so much better, the pain is still there, though not as severe….I then proceeded to tell him to PLEASE set boundaries in his own marriage, to never put his wife (married 2 yrs) through this, that it is still so painful after 19 mos.
It was a good talk, he hugged me and told me he loves me, and is praying for his dad and I.
He has NO animosity for his dad AT ALL….in fact, he seems to be reaching out to him more now than ever before…I really think that this can be a teaching tool for our family….to set boundaries, communicate, and don’t take each other for granted! I know that when my other children get married I will remind them of all we have been through, and remind them to guard their hearts and their marriage…and to set boundaries.
Everyone has the right to do what you feel is best, for yourselves and your family, there is no right or wrong here.
I just know that for me, I’m choosing to take something bad that happended and to hopefully have some good come out of it…for my H and I, and also our children.
BTW, in How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, it does say that the CS pretty much loses all rights in many things relating to affair recovery….that’s why I feel it’s the BS who should make the decision about telling any family members…including their adult children…But again…it’s an individual choice…
Healing Mark, june 25, 2009, when I took my husband’s hand, he pulled it away, said he didnt want to be married, was in love with some one else, she was in love with him, he was not “happy”, etc. I wil tell you now, I hated his damn guts in that minute and planned to never speak to him again. Yes, I told most of my family and friends. I dont regret it. I can’t really say if it was helpful or not as opposed to not telling. I have no basis for comparison. I will also say most people really dont care and dont interfere. I have been involved in secrets my whole life, by choice and not by choice, they are usually more destructive than the behavior they hide. So yes, if I have to hide something someone did to me, it is destructive to me. Makes me feel like I did something wrong. If more people talked about their experiences, it might be helpful to others to know they are not alone. Again, only my opinion. It takes way too much of my energy to hide stuff and I’m not doing it.
That is a wonderful post, Theresa. I think parents are the single best resource children can have for marriage/family advice when it’s done in the correct spirit. At least I dont feel like everything I have been through was in vain if it can help my daughter.
I agree with you Teresa, I am a child of divorce, who talked with my Mum about the impact on her, a lot. She was wonderful, she was open, and honest about her feelings, without making me feel responsible for her well-being, and without putting my father down – he is gay, so had also cheated – although I guess I never really saw it that way, as I felt he had no choice once he discovered his sexuality, he didn’t know before he married, and they were married 19 years. I am really pleased your son showed compassion for your place in life right now, good job you! Both myself and my ex have been honest with our children, and they know if they want to ever ask questions, they are most welcome. My extended family don’t know, they’re about the only people who don’t! We live in the same small town I grew up in, none of my family live locally, and haven’t done so for decades, but the OW told all, the whole town knows, and it was embarrassing to have to go to the supermarket, or sports practices, etc in the beginning. I had no choice in this, the affair was outted by her, she also grew up here, but doesn’t live here, so she left me with the pieces to pick up. I told my best friend the day after I found out, and I have talked to a couple of other people, close friends, one male, whose first marriage was broken by his wife who cheated, he was the least sympathetic, as he just moved on to wife number two straight away, no grieving period, so didn’t understand. One thing that I already knew, but has been made clear is, most people don’t REALLY care, they have their own lives to lead, and are bascially selfish, and if you haven’t been through this, you really are unable to be much support, as the issues are not really understood. This site, and counselling have been my best bet, neutral, no danger of taking sides – well that can happen here, I guess, but I avoid that kind fo talk, it’s not helpful – or stuff you said in anger, or ignorance coming back to taint your friendships!
Gizfield And Teresa, I couldn’t agree more – it would be very different to tell my kids “don’t ever cheat to your husbands” vs “let me tell you what we have gone through, what happened, why, and what we could have done differently …. So you can have a better marriage than ours” – I’m not saying this will solve all their problems, but will be a way better teaching moment
It’s totally ironic to me, the “Emotional Affair Partners” battle cry is “We’re JustFriends, We didnt DO anything, you’ re just Jealous for no Reason, etc.”but yet it’s betraying them if you tell anyone? That tells you right there they know what they are saying is pure Crap. I didnt do anything to those 2 Sluts, they did it to me, and my child. Dont let anyone brainwash you into thinking they didnt know it was Wrong, or that it’s your fault. They dont want their actions exposed to the light because it will show how tawdry, pathetic, and cheap (or as my Mama would say, Common) their little relationship really was.
Another of my mother’s favorite sayings “Choose the behavior, choose the consequences.” Works for me.
It has been 14 months since discovery of the 7 month EA gone to PA, and two years sine the affair began. It beganin deception with my H asking if I would call ” The Old Drecrepit Woman” he was thinking about renting a room from part tine in another city. She was not At all like described. After discovery the affects one from him were : yelling and screaming, total lack of empathy, threats on a daily basis, breaking my little finger, tried YO strangle me 3 times, gave me s contusion ob top of my hand, cracked my rib, threww done in driveway resulting in a huge bride to my hip, bruised outer top arm twice, yelled F… yOu over and over in s restaurant twice, saying over and over Eat Sh.. And die, threats that he would get an attorney and drain our back acct, threats that he would get a judge to take all 6 kids away so they could mot be allowed to see me and that they would back him up ( 17-29) so makes no sense) , that Hebrew going to known my block off, that someone was going to get their head blown off ( it was only he and I standing there and he has many
guns. Um what else,. Anyway we have finally been living apart from May 1 to June 16. I a
M having a blast. Everyday I meet awesome people and have miraculous conversations. I am getting my voice back that he caused me to loose because I embarrassed him by being so outgoing ally
Life. I was instructed to not talk at business dinners. I think he was jealous of me and did not Tje attention on me but him. He is am introvert who has a gtead deal of problems in bring transparent with others and is perceived ny people A’s being unapproachable, distant, and shallow. His best friend said he would appear to look ” unapproachable” if he were to see my H on The St. In fact his best friend said that I should leave him.
I realize this post is old, but I hope you got away from that guy, no matter what my wife ever did I would never cause her physical pain, never lay a hand on her, any man that does deserves no woman, ever.