Hello Everybody!

We had a very nice Christmas and we hope that you managed to do the same.  Since everybody is home from school, we’ve been taking it easy and just enjoying the holidays and the time off.

We’re going to take the rest of the week off from blogging, but did want to throw out a discussion topic for the week.

It’s been fairly obvious that many of you are taking some time to be with family and friends, or just doing whatever, which is to be expected this time of year.  I imagine many of you are out braving the day after Christmas madness as well.

Prior to Christmas we ran a few posts about what you were hoping for and what you wanted your holiday miracle to be.  We’ve also sent out some holiday related resources on a few different occasions via email. Considering our recent focus on the holidays, we wanted to hear how Christmas went for you.

Please share your Christmas experiences with the rest of the blog community – good or bad.

What sort of challenges were you faced with during the holidays that may have been different from last year or any other time of year?

Perhaps you can share how you were able to cope with triggers, emotions, thoughts and any other affair related issue that came about.

If there is anything else you want to share or have questions about, please feel free to throw it out there!

Thanks and take care!

Linda & Doug

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LINESPACE

 

    42 replies to "Discussion – So How Was Your Christmas?"

    • Natalia

      Good morning! A week before Christmas my H and I had our last talk about his EA and my triggers. It was painful to go back and review them but important to realize how far we’ve come. I say “our last talk” because we decided to stop focusing on the EA and concentrate on the holidays and the love we share. Also, our twins would be coming home from college and we wanted to make it a warm and welcoming Christmas. So far it’s been great and we’re loving this break from “working” on us. It’ll serve as a test to see if we’ve achieved the marriage we’ve been working so hard on. I want to be able to feel that my H doesn’t have to be reminded that everything we do revolves around the EA. I want to be and feel free of the past and think about the wonderful future my H and I are headed to.

      • exercisegrace

        This is my goal as well, trying not to make everything about the affair. It’s hard when I live in ground zero though!

    • tryinghard

      We had a wonderful Christmas. I too decided I did not want to talk about ANYTHING relationship wise. It did come up one evening last week when he asked what I was reading. I almost lied and told him it was fiction but I didn’t. He says I am obsessed with the EA because I read and need answers. I don’t look for answers with my H anymore because he either 1. says he doesn’t remember or 2. doesn’t know or 3. puts a spin on it to avoid the question. I have found through my books that there is NOTHING unique about these EA’s or the relationships, or the women it’s about the EA and how men feel when they are having them. It’s about their egos, and brain chemistry. It’s an escape. I am working very hard on not taking it personally.
      It was a good Christmas, he bought me beautiful gifts. Some where too big. HAHA he just can’t believe my small size. We will have fun making returns and buying proper sizes 🙂

      • exercisegrace

        Very well said. I am getting to that point. My husband doesn’t remember very much either. And tries to play it off when I sask questions, by saying “do you really WANT me to go back there and remember all that? Do you WANT me thinking about her in that way?. UGH. No, obviously I do NOT. But I also need to heal, and feel like all the missing puzzle pieces of my life are in place enough to at least see the truth of my own life. We are ten months in, and at the start he praised me for reading so much and learning about BOTH sides of affairs, and said he could tell I was really trying to see things clearly. Now if I read something, he says I am “wallowing”. I think it is because he has known the truth for nearly four years, but my truth is only ten months old. He has processed most if not all of it, and is truly ready to leave it in the past.

        I love what you wrote about there being nothing unique about these affairs. I can see that now too. Anyone that had pursued him as aggressively as she did, during a vulnerable time in his life, and during a time that he was clinically depressed, could have fit the bill. It was about his brokenness, his ego, and how she made him feel about himself. Cold comfort though, when you ego and self-esteem have taken a horrific beating. Although it’s clear that he “affaired down”.

        • tryinghard

          Exercise
          Sometimes I’m afraid if I don’t keep asking questions and making him feel bad, he will feel free to do it again??!! Now that’s just crazy I know. HAHA Wallow/obsess, we are females and it is in our genes to figure out problems with relationships. They don’t get that. He probably has forgotten about it and wants you too. Hey I have an idea. You ask my H questions and I’ll ask yours!!!! Then we can share notes!! Kidding of course. My H said it is very difficult for him to admit what an selfish a**hole he was. Very hard to admit being taken for a fool because his OW talked him out of A LOT of money. His guilt played a big role in that and he hoped by paying her off she would keep her mouth shut. It worked!
          The OW offers it up but HE is the one to choose. She did not hold a gun to his head. These EA’s are unique because they all say the same thing and react the same way.

          • exercisegrace

            Trying, it’s a deal! Ha ha ha. If only! You are right, as females we have a strong need to problem solve. I guess deep down, I feel that if I have enough details and we talk about it enough, he can figure out how this possibly could have happened and he will be better able to keep it from happening again.
            My husband also feels like a fool. He brought this woman into a business, worked HIS butt off and gave her half of whatever was made. I would estimate that she got over 100 grand in salary, and earned almost none of it.
            Since the affair ended she has shown her true colors, which I saw from the beginning. But he is painfully aware now that she was NOT AT ALL who he thought she was, who she led him to think she was. She was ready to drag us into court, based on wildly untrue accusations. Her own attorney dropped her, and told ours that she is nuts. I know he feels really stupid for getting mixed up with someone who is pure evil and looks out only for herself and her gain.

    • KelBelly

      I have to be completely honest. I had a very hard time finding my Christmas spirit this year. I couldn’t stop thinking about last year and when my H and I got into a argument at the beginning of Dec this year, that real sealed my not being able to get into the Christmas spirit. I didn’t even help my H decorate for Christmas this year. He did it all and I could tell that it hurt his heart that I wasn’t even trying.
      I even told my H I wasn’t in love with him like I use to be and I could not pin point what emotion was causing that. I kept obsessing over the other woman and seeing pics of her and her happy family life and I kept asking myself why in the hell am I doing this to myself. I have done so well and then out of no where,wham!! I am sucked right back into the ugliness of everything.

      Then the oddest thing happened! I got hit with the flu and everything changed. My H really stepped up to the plate when he saw how rough I was feeling and did everything around the house so I could just rest after taking care of children all day. Then on Christmas Eve morning I flew out of bed with the most gut wrenching nausea I have had in years and that started the next 16 hours of a horrible case of either food poisoning or stomach flu.
      All day my H took care of me and the house. He did every piece of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and finished wrapping presents and in between it all took care of all my needs. For some reason every time I saw him or thought about all that he was doing, I would get choked up with emotions and at first I thought it was just because I was so sick but the more I thought about it, I started to realize what I was feeling.
      It was guilt! Guilt for not seeing past my self to see what a truly amazing job my H was doing to prove that he loved me and that he was doing everything he knew how to prove that. Not once did he complain about anything! He just smiled and did what he felt needed to be done to help make me feel better.
      When I woke up to my family Christmas morning, something in me had changed. I felt a warmth in my heart that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. There was finally peace in my heart and I knew that everything was going to be all right. I haven’t felt this calm in many years and it was nice to be in that place.

      I watched a movie last night that I had seen a couple years ago and It made me realize how locked down I was back then emotionally because I thought it was kind of cheesy then but last night, I really enjoyed the message that it was sharing and I know that this year I am ready to open up and take steps towards making my marriage stronger. The movie is called Fireproof. If you have never seen it then I suggest you do. It is a Christian movie that delivers a wonderful message. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone!

      • exercisegrace

        I am so thankful you have found your measure of peace. It is what i pray for, for all the spouses here.
        I can relate to the “love” issue. I don’t love my husband the way I used to, and it makes him incredibly sad. We have talked about this together and I have talked about it with my counselor. Normal for this stage of things, but it is still hard for him. He keeps telling me he feels the same way about me that he always did, that he never stopped loving me, etc.

        We watched a movie last night too, that happened to be one of my favorites. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. I haven’t seen it in a while, and had forgotten how the husband flirts ridiculously and tells a sales clerk he is divorced. Later they show him fantasizing about her being in his backyard pool, taking her bathing suit off.
        Trigger City!! Never really paid any attention to those scenes before. Funny how certain things ARE NOT funny, when you have been through infidelity.

        Keep enjoying the holiday, and knowing that your husband is stepping up! That is huge and probably the most positive sign EVER!

        • KelBelly

          I hate the movie triggers lol! I think my H feels them to because there is this strain that enters the air. I can say what has been really hard for my H is that he is not very good with words and I am not a flowers or jewelery kind of girl so I think he found it very hard to show how much he loved me because of these things.
          I guess what finally happened is that I discovered my H’s love language. Some men are good with words, some with flowers, some with trips or expensive gifts. Mine is doing things to make my every day life easier. It is picking up the pieces when I am falling apart. I think every person really needs to look at what it is their spouse does or sais that speaks and shows their love.
          I think the one thing that I have realized through this all is that I don’t want a fairy tale ending. I just want the faith and belief that my spouse is going to stand by my side and continue to be my partner and best friend. I know that I am not always going to like him and there are going to be times that I want to sock him in the arm but I want to know without a doubt that no matter how bad it gets, that he will not stray again. He has been doing great and I cannot complain. I just hope he continues 🙂

        • Tryinghard

          EG
          I know that feeling. I watched Picture Paris on HBO. Lots of what we are experiencing. Wasn’t so funny till the end. I cannot listen to love songs on the radio. Only talk radio for me. He gave her one of my favorite cd’s Michael buble. Can’t listen to him anymore. I want to jump out of my skin if he comes on the radio. He is trying so hard but the 500 lb gorilla is always near by. We ha d a great Christmas but I kept going back to how he would sneak out of the house last year to call her. Ugh I just have to move on right.

          • Exercise grace

            I can’t listen to the radio much either. My counselor told me today that I am looking for reassurance that this will never happen again and no one can give me that. She asked me what I think I need in order to begin to trust again and allow myself to start to be vulnerable to him again. I nearly said “a lobotomy”.

            In all seriousness, I really don’t like feeling this way. I hate what he did and I hate even more what it has turned me into. And yes, I know that is MY choice. I need to take control of my life again. My emotions and my self image need to be based on ME.

            • tryinghard

              EG
              Well at least we can laugh sometimes at this shit show right?
              No, there are no guarantees in life, about anything. All we can do is give ourselves time and watch. We hear what they are saying but like the cliche goes, history is the best predictor of the future. Quit hating on yourself. You didn’t do this, he did. We need to get to that acceptance stage. I think I am heading there and then I get a flashback or a trigger. There are triggers all over the place for me since she used to work for him and now I am working here. I see her crap everywhere. ULK. We are better than this. We are also choosing to stay with them so we have to move on. My New Years resolution is to only talk about it when we go to the counselor. No use in talking to him about it. He’s talked enough is what I think he thinks.
              Maybe we could get two for the price of one lobotomy. My H says if I go for a face lift he’s going to ask them to give me one! Yes I laugh at that 🙂 And no he doesn’t want me to have a face lift, I do. Happy New Year. I hope you two do something romantic.

            • exercisegrace

              Thanks TH, I need the reminder. You are right, I do hate myself at times. Despite the fact he has told me it had nothing to do with me. Nothing that I did or did not do. I still feel like 27 years of faithfulness and then boom. What changed? I know the obvious answer is HE DID.

              Do you mind if I ask you how you deal with the triggers? My husband and I own our own business (two actually, one he started with the COW) and they both are run out of our house. So his affair partner was in our home every single day for two years. They conducted their affair here. So I LIVE in trigger city. The COW’s name crops up all over the place too, since she owned part of one business for those two years. It’s not possible to erase her because of all the business correspondence that must be kept. UGH. If we could move I would.

              Thank you for reaffirming “we are better than this.” You are so very right. We HAVE chosen to stay. We have chosen to rise above it and put in the hard work. Even though they are trying and want to save the marriage, we would be very justified in leaving. I should be ashamed to admit this (but I’m not!!!) but I actually have said to him…do you realize that even GOD would not judge me for leaving? That you have created a biblical justification for me to walk?? He is always mortified when I say that. Violating our faith is one of the biggest hurts for him in this. I think that now it truly does scare him to look back and see that I could have left him. Not just physically, but morally.

            • tryinghard

              EG
              Although our business is not in our home the OW worked for our business. She was hired when the EA began. He mark is all over, like a cat he marked it’s territory. I see her name all over. I requests for job recommendations, unemployment (which I contested and won!!! YAY she has to pay back thousands she lied about not working!! Me little bit of Karma). The triggers are everywhere. I try to roll with them and not fight it. Sometimes I let him know there’s a trigger but if I let him know every time that is all I would talk about. Of course he tries to minimize it but he knows I deal with it. You know it’s a funny thing when I first started therapy my therapist asked who I turned to in times of trouble and my automatic response was ME. I truly do love myself so I tell myself that this is natural and I just well ride the wave. Eventually it goes away. OK one big thing I do is think what an idiot he is/was, who really knows if their idiocy is present or past tense right? I get mad on the inside at him that way I don’t blame myself anymore for being so stupid or arrogant that MY husband would never do such a thing. I made him sell his car that she was in and probably helped him choose it. I wish you could sell your house. EG the triggers are just going to be there for a long time we have to learn to make friends with them or we will go mad. You have NOT become anyone bad. Neither are your suspicions or reactions bad. You are trying to protect yourself from further hurt. The hurt your H put on you for his poor choices. Yes choices not mistakes. Have you read the book Not Just Friends? It is excellent. You H and mine were more in love with the excitement and ego boost, as shallow as we think that is, than the woman. They are idiots and we don’t want to believe that WE have chosen to stay with an idiot 🙂
              God would say, You Go Girls! God’s not judging him, he is judging himself and good I hope he feels good and guilty. Maybe next time some trailer park trash flirts, he’ll turn the other way!!!

            • WriterWife

              The triggers at home are always so difficult! My H and the OW worked together and she was our closest friend and so was at our house all the time. One night a few months after the EA when my husband was out of town I went through the house and packed up everything associated with her — stuff she’d left over here, stupid things like a costume we’d bought for her dog (I know how random that sounds), etc.

              I’d wanted to mail it all back to her because I knew that if she got the box without a note or anything that it would hurt her but I also knew that if I allowed myself to start doing that sort of thing — taking actions not to help myself but to hurt her — I’d be starting down a self-destructive path. So a lot of it I threw away and the rest I put in a bag for my husband to leave for her at work. That helped get rid of some of the triggers.

              For everything else I’ve tried to recondition myself. For example, my dog’s favorite toy is one that the OW gave him and I didn’t want to deprive him of that because of my own issues. So whenever I see that I tell myself, “Before all the EA stuff, she was a good friend and it’s okay for me to acknowledge that while simultaneously acknowledging that she became a terrible friend because of the EA… but that doesn’t negate that once upon a time we were friends.”

              Secondly, when I see a trigger that would make me think about the EA and all the pain and anger, I actively turn my thoughts around and try to attach a different thought. For example, if I hear a song that makes me think about it I’ll think, “Gah, normally this would remind me of the EA which sucked but instead let me think about how strong I am to have survived this and what a great place I’m in now and all the things I’ve accomplished since D-day personally, professionally, and relationship-wise.”

              I think that kind of reconditioning takes a while, but it’s worked for me. I don’t try to bury or ignore things that make me think of the EA but I instead I also try to then attach positive thoughts as well.

    • rachel

      How was my christmas? My Christmas Eve was really good surpisingly. I went to my friends house party while my boys went to their fathers side of the family. They later joined me because they were so bored there. Christmas morning was a blast with my boys opening presents and just hanging out, the three of us.
      One of my boys said “we should go to his house now, that way we can get it over with. So they did. They were gone less then an hour.
      When they came home my oldest said to me. ” I had to go into his bathroom before he wanted to take a picture of us iin front of his tree and I totally lost it.” He’s so happy without us, he doesn’t need us.
      I felt so bad for my son. I don’t say much because if i started I would never end.
      I still can’t comprehend how does a father leave his family? She must be really special.

      • KelBelly

        Rachel, I am so glad to hear that you and your boys had a good Christmas. I hope as time goes by that you all will continue to heal 🙂

      • Natalia

        Rachel, please don’t think she’s special. She’s not. She’s a selfish narcissist and he’s attracted to that. He probably sees himself reflected in her. She’ll get her comeuppance. As for you, you already won. You have your sons. Men come and go but your children are yours forever. As we say in Spanish “Padres hay muchos, pero madres solo hay una”. It roughly means “Anyone can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a mother.” As for your sons, maybe it’s a good thing to see their father’s true colors now so they can also move on. Please be strong for them and yourself and remember that 2013 will be better because he’s out if your house. And since your sons are older they can choose to see him or not.

        • KelBelly

          Great reply Natalia 🙂

      • exercisegrace

        Natalia’s comment is spot on. Keep taking the high road. It very much sounds like your sons are very intelligent and see right through his baloney. Keep making your home and your relationship with them their safe place. That speaks so loudly to everyone.

    • rachel

      Sorry off topic question. I dream of mysoon to ex husband every night. The dreams are he’s coming back and we have to hide it because everyone has pretty much told me what an asshole he is. Some dreams are he’s not coming back and I am begging him to try to work it out.
      I’m almost afraid of going to sleep for the night fearing what I’ll dream about.

      • exercisegrace

        I too have recurring dreams and it is awful. But as others have said, I believe that it is our minds way of trying to process, categorize and make some form of sense over what is so devastating in our lives. During the time of the affair I had terrible nightmares. The worst one was where the kids and I were trapped in the house and it was on fire. I was trying desperately to get all four of them out. We couldn’t get the front door or windows open. No way out. I looked outside and saw my husband and his AP kissing in the front yard, watching the house burn and they were laughing. I screamed and begged for him to just let the kids go, and I would stay in the burning house. No response! I would wake up from that one over and over in a total sweat and crying.
        I still have nightmares pretty often, although not as bad now. I hate going to sleep at night, almost never go to sleep before three am, and I take a sleeping pill to knock me out. I hate that, but without it I can’t fall asleep until five or six in the morning. Not good when your little ones are up between seven and eight!!

    • KelBelly

      Oh, you will have those for awhile Rachel, it is your minds way of working through stuff. I had all sorts of weird dreams when I found out about everything. The worst were the ones where my H was holding hands with the OW and I was drowning and as I was going under water, I could see them laughing at me. I had so many water dreams where I was surrounded and it was closing in on me and then It would switch to my H and that OW so I know that it was my mind trying to work through the fact that I felt that my emotions were drowning me and I was very afraid that my H was going to leave me for this OW. Hang in there as they do get better.

    • Paula

      Interesting, the dreams, yes, I have nightly “dreams” – nightmares, still do, over three and a half years later. They vary from extreme violence and torturous rape, to more “romantic” and dreamy (between them.) I thought they would fade, they haven’t. An overactive imagination! I live with them, I have sought treatment for them, trauma counselling, blah, blah, blah, they have encroached on my ability to be fully intimate with my partner, he is fully understanding, and completely devastated that his actions have all but ruined what was a truly wonderful and fulfilling sex life that we shared for 24 years. I was fine for the first two years, post D-day, then this developed. I’ve had hormone levels checked, and had plenty of counselling, including sex therapy, all to little avail. Very frustrating, as I was a very sexual person prior to my discovery of his 15 month long sexual and emotional affair with an old friend of mine, who was often in my home and holiday home, at MY invitation, and often there, WITHOUT my knowledge, too, lol!. I just live with it now, as I haven’t found the key to stopping the nightmares, you’d think they’d fade, or you would desensitize to them, I am a little, just numb, really. He said to me last night that he is so pleased that we are still so very close, and thanked me for what I have forgiven him for, and worked through with him (he has been really great at admitting to things, complete honesty, doing the work, including various forms of counselling, etc – I was somewhat “lucky” in that he had ended the affair of his own volition, prior to her telling me all about it a month or so later, so he was prepared to be with me from D-day, and do whatever it took – a couple of hiccups along the way, whereby he thought he knew better about how to deal with the bunny boiler, but we got past all of that rubbish!) He still can’t quite believe he gave up a beautiful sex life, for a very crap one with her (and it was, really quite ordinary, he couldn’t believe he was having an affair, and the sex was so BLAH, he used to wonder WTF?) only to find that when she told me, I was fine for a couple of years – great, in fact – then I fell in the sexual abyss I have been in for nearly two years now, with no ability to be sexual in any meaningful capacity. Just sucks. No other way of describing my grief over losing this quite essential part of myself. The ability to feel sexy, and desirable, and believe me, he shows me, and tells me every single day. Hard to let yourself believe a proven liar, I guess…..

      • Tryinghard

        Paula
        I have dreams but they are good dreams because I am kicking her ass in them! I know I am prettier, smarter, more cultured, better educated, classier etc than her. I know I am a good lover. There is no way she was better than me in anything. I have decided to REALLY believe these things and act this way. If wants trash rats there are plenty of them around, not just her. He can go get them and I KNOW I will be ok. I’m not quite as far as you in time. A little over a year and he left me for her. Once he saw the real her in daylight he realized what a big mistake he made. I don’t know maybe its too little too late? He is very attentive but I am afraid it’s an act. I am biding my time. I will leave if anything else happens. I will not stand for any hiccups in this process.

    • Paula

      Tryinghard, that is so fab for you! Keep up the good work!

      I am pretty okay, about most of it now, I kicked him out three times, for a total period of around 9 months. We remained close. He went back to shag her the last time, one time only – there had been no physical contact or meetings/sightings of her in two years – she barraged him with texts from time to time, he hadn’t changed his number – that was the hiccup I spoke of, he thought he could “manage” her madness “for me!” I eventually said that it really was the end for us, I was completely done, so he wanted to find out what the heck he had given up a wonderful life and family for??? I also know I am “better” than her, I am however fatter than her – the nice amount of weight lost in the shock of the discovery, of which I had NO idea about (dumbass!) stayed off for more than two years, but I was put on an old-school anti-depressant around the two year mark, and the weight piled back on, frighteningly quickly, despite my work to work out and keep it off, and I have struggled with it since (tossing the stupid pills out, after a few months, they didn’t help one iota!) – she is an old high school “friend” of mine, she was a track sprinter, and has long, lean muscle, I am short and curvy (sexy??!! I used to think so, lol – I KNOW, I am, but it doesn’t FEEL that way in the very long aftermath, huh!) , am much better educated, have a ton of “class” which she could only dream about (darn near trailer trash made good?) but I’m not in employment that pays anywhere near hers, as I have supported him in our joint business – I did that during our child bearing and rearing years, “unpaid” working longer than fulltime hours most of the time, as well as doing the vast majority of the parenting and all of the cooking and cleaning, and all of the accounting, however, I know I am a much better, more caring, loving person, a good mother, a great employee, and business person, I was much more fun, I have a better sense of humour, I am also much better looking, have a great sense of style, and put myself together WAAAY better than that boring ……!! however, my self esteem is still very dented. I have some past issues that have exacerbated things (he is my only lover, ever, but I was violently raped as a uni student, by someone I knew.) I also won’t stand for bad treatment any longer, and I am not scared of being on my own. I know we share a deep love and commitment, he has learned SO much about himself, and the way he was conducting his life from all of this, I want to get to this “better place” everyone talks about, I struggle with that. We had a really great relationship, it had hit a small road bump, and she was there, in the wrong place at the wrong time. I know I can’t have what I used to, but I haven’t quite managed to let the idea of having that loveliness back go yet….although I know I need to……desperately need to…..

      Love the kick ass dreams, tryinghard 🙂

      • tryinghard

        Paula
        LOL. Maybe try thinking about kicking her ass before going to sleep then you won’t have bad dreams. We “curvy” women need to stick together.

    • ChangeisGood

      On Christmas my mother-in-law stated that no one can take away another women’s husband unless he is not happy in the marriage. She does not know that her son strayed..I told I don’t believe that statement, something shiny and new comes along and offers a lot of fluff (which for most men strokes the ego) and at home is routine and not a whole lot of sweet talking going on from either side. Some people are drawn to that and get sucked in. I think it also depends on where you are in life when it happens. Needless to say it irratated me for a minute or so and I let it go!!!

      • tryinghard

        CIG
        OOO too bad she doesn’t know what her son did. I hope someone tells her. She might give him a good “What the hell were you thinking” talk. I know I would if it were my son! MY MIL knows and guess what she said? “Our people don’t do this” WTF, I said well guess what MIL HE DID! Her comment came out of ignorance because guess what, affairs do happen in happy marriages more times than not. I admire you for not letting it get to you.

        • ChangeisGood

          Maybe it is because she was once the cheater…and it is her experience. Because it is ALWAYS about her….I get along with her fine, just try to be accepting of that, and I don’t have to live with her! She is always patting herself on the back for what great sons she raised..REALLY!!!! Hmmmm..

          • Tryinghard

            OMG. Yeah wouldn’t do any good for her to know. Sounds like she lives in denial. Wait, maybe she does know about what your H did and she’s trying to justify his choices after it sounds like where she is concerned her boys can do no wrong.

      • rachel

        changeisgood, I wish i could let it go like you. My mother inlaw is fine with the divorce, she just wants her son to be happy regardless of what he has done to his family. He is just like her, depressed and always blaming someone for her unhappiness. She never once said to him that he should try at his marriage. She never approved of me. I’m not a doctor or a lawyer. She is very impressed by money and titles.I have neither. If she said to him you must work at your marriage , then he would have. He worships her and she him. Kind of sick. I thought she was between us all these years, I was wrong, it was his girlfriend from 30 years ago. She’s not a dr. or a lawyer. She owns a lingerie store. Figures.

    • Disappointed

      My MIL actually told me that I am silly to love my H and that he will never choose me again. Said she understood why he needed someone new to feel alive again. Anything he does is justified in her mind. She is a huge enabler.

      • rachel

        Disapointed, don’t listen to her. She’s crazy!!!

    • Helen

      I’m seven months down the track and Christmas was way better than I had ever imagined. I definitely didn’t feel the same buzz that I have in the past but my husband made such an effort. You see his infidelities were a massive wake up call. I’m 7 hours off the new year here in NZ, and I’m actually looking forward to it, yes I know I’m going to experience pain, I know there are dates that have to come that have significant horrible memories and no doubt I’ll be hurting, but on reflection as odd as it is to say so much good has come from the ugliness. My husband and I in the past 6 months have worked hard on rekindling our relationship in getting to know one another, we have learned to laugh and more importantly we have learned to communicate. Sure we have hard days, but unlike before they get addressed. I guess I’m unlucky he had an affair but I’m lucky he is willing to work on all he has done wrong and take responsibility for all the pain he has caused. I wish all of you on here all the best for 2013, keep looking forward, sure sometimes look backwards and reflect how far your’ve come. Happy new year 🙂 things will get better

    • Dave

      I was hoping to skip Christmas all together (yep, I felt a little Scrooge-ish this year), but we celebrated – although, far more subdued than we typically do. She put up a subset of our traditional decorations and I didn’t go get a tree until 7 days before Christmas. …but that wasn’t the biggest hurdle.

      The day before Christmas, I got a package in the mail from the OM. He finally sent me the hard copies of all their photos and letters and the CD with their song. It opened a whole huge can of worms, but I put it all away (physically and in my mind) as best as I could. (He’s a complete prick to wait until it is delivered on Christmas Eve!)

      The day after Christmas, I fired up the chiminea (after giving everything one last look), and then I burned it all, along with the photos that I took of her while she was involved in her PA/EA with him. I torched every scrap of everything I could find.

      There was an initial sense of relief, but then as the holidays wore on (two weeks off), my grandmother died, her family pushed for her to visit which is always stressful anyway, the washing machine quit, and she backed into a neighbor’s car. All those stresses along with the regular holiday stuff, pus the fact that while the physical and digital copies of all their mementos were gone, the images were still in my head and the pain was still there.

      Add to all that the fact that December 31st was the D-Day of the day she finally confessed (after years of lies)…I was a basket case. The whole thing was overwhelming to the point of driving me to lay in bed and sob. I felt ashamed and embarrassed to feel that way, and for the better part of a week now, I have nightly nightmares about them – catching them, them being happy, them laughing at me, the OM raising my children…all the stuff they talked about doing together or had done together. Ugh!

      I’m back at work now and I’ve never been so happy to be in my office.

      • Dave

        The best I can say is that all that “stuff” is gone and I survived.

        • Doug

          Dave, sorry that your Christmas so tough. After all the emotions and stress that you experienced, where was your wife? Did she offer any comfort, remorse, compassion or anything?

          • Dave

            She tried. She was ok at first, but she broke down from the stress and the expectations or desire to have a normal Christmas…plus frustrations with me because I didn’t. We barked at each other a bit, but both put on a good face for Christmas day. After getting home from the funeral, she had to go back to work and things eased at bit as I had time alone to clear my head. When she hit the neighbors car, I just laughed it off rather than getting mad. Of all the things that happened the past year, that was the least of them.

        • tryinghard

          Dave
          On the flip side. Doesn’t the OM’s actions speak to your wife and puts him in a bad light? I mean why did he do this? I don’t think to hurt you but to hurt her. As big a fool as he is I don’t think he wants to hurt you by doing this, he wants to hurt her. Did she do something similar to him recently? Did she contact him? Why after so long did he all of a sudden do this? I wish my H’s OW would do the same. It would put the nail in the coffin for him. How can I get her to do this? I would be happy if she did it..
          I am sorry you had a crummy Christmas. I don’t do it big like I used to either. Just a tree and a small one at that. It just isn’t important to me anymore. We did have a good Christmas though. I bet you were glad to get back to work. I hope your W is being supportive to you through this added stress. I hope she’s not taking all your efforts for granted. You take care of yourself. Happy New Year

          • Dave

            Yeah, she thought that is was a bad move on his part. If he was trying to push my buttons, I think he pushed hers more. She was way more angry than I was. I felt relief, but she felt that it was another opportunity for him to remind her of their “love” …and for me to rub it in her face (her belief)…but I didn’t. I was good and the “ceremony” went off without any fighting.

            He still thinks she was his “#1 love” – the one that got away. I don’t believe…I hope…she doesn’t feel the same. She seems to have remorse for ever getting involved with him. I’m not sure if that’s because of the problems it has caused, because she got caught, or if it is actual remorse for hurting me and our marriage.

            No, she had nothing of his unless she’s hiding something. At one time she had his address so she could ever tell him if she was single and ready to hook up again, but she got rid of that long ago…she claims.

            I actually contacted the OM – my former friend. He didn’t admit to having anything until my wife claimed their affair was physical and not emotional and that she never loved him…so he produced proof to prove her wrong…and perhaps drive a wedge between my wife and I and perhaps rekindle their “love”. He originally sent me digital copies. That was a terrible day!

            He confessed to her (actually me using her email) that he was still madly in love with my wife and that he was in a loveless marriage and would love to be with my wife again. I confronted him and told him that if ever cared (and my wife asked the same), he send all that stuff so that I could destroy it. In the end, it took almost one year…and I had to pay for shipping. :/

            She is trying to be supportive, but she has so many issues to deal with that she avoided for so long. I think once she gets her mess cleaned up, she’ll do better. I want to believe that.

          • Dave

            My wish for the new year is that with all that done, maybe, just maybe we’ve turned a corner. She has been more supportive (when she isn’t angry). Hopefully she’ll deal with her own anger issues and we can really start to rebuild.

            I also meant to say thanks and I hope your new year goes well too! 🙂

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