Good Wednesday to all of you!
There’s no question that an affair has life-long effects for all parties involved.
The impact can be especially tremendous on the children. As Jeff Murrah, would say, “It’s the hurt that keeps on hurting.” The damage of cheating often goes on through generations. What may have been a one-night stand or a six-month fling often produces years of hurt.
In a post we did several months ago, Linda made the following comment:
“I remember trying to save Doug from himself by keeping his affair a secret [from the kids]. I knew how hurt and angry our children would be and I didn’t want all his years of love and dedication to be wiped away by a terrible mistake. .. I wonder if the children’s hurt and anger ever go away, I know how difficult it is for the spouse to let it go, we often forget about the effects of the children and what we need to do to heal their pain.”
I know that some of you have decided to tell your kids about the affair for whatever reasons, and others have chosen not to tell, and that leads us to our discussion topic for the week…
Do you think it is wise for kids to know about their parent’s infidelity?
Do your own kids know about the affair? If so, how did they find out?
How did they react and how did you handle it?
If not, will you eventually tell them? Why or why not?
As always, please reply to each other in the comments. Each person leaving a comment is not an isolated incident.
Take care!
Linda & Doug
21 replies to "Discussion: Should You Tell the Kids About the Affair?"
In my case, it was my daughter who ‘told’ me…about dad’s ‘friend. If our daughter had not told me how. They dropped off the OW on my H & kids’way home from her crew race, etc., ‘that day,’ I wonder how much longer everything would have gone on. ‘My’ day-that same day, was the last day I remember feeling ‘at peace.’ The day involved what I recall as a culmination of my son’s successful end of his depression into drug use into counseling…the end of a. Very traumatic family time. Spending the afternoon w/our son’s grandparents (H’s parents) & I, thinking that at least my H was attending our daughter’s out of town crew race ‘in my absence.’…I never missed 1 of her races. Little did I know H had taken the OW. I recall looking at his camera from that day. The photos they took of each other spending the day at a museum after dropping off our son…and with our son later that day at our daughters race. I deleted them all but of course they are burned into memory. I did keep 1…in te event of a divorce…the 1 of the OW standing in MY territory (crew race land,) ALONGSIDE OUR SON! How could he have taken that one! So of course the next day, after everything that needed to, came to light the next day…the kids were all there…and old enough to ‘know:’ 19, 17 & 15. It was the counseling they gave him that DDay that may have brought him ‘around.’ Somewhat ‘around.’ I recall my then 19 yr old son who had snapped out of his drug use right around that time, telling my H, “you better get your act together!” This was the same loud ‘advice’ my H had given our son just 3 mths prior when pulled over/arrested for his erratic driving/drug use. I recall thinking how ironic this was … but it wasn’t til months later that I began to compare my son’s new ‘addiction,’ back then…to my H’s….and how I ‘saved’ them both thru tears into strength (from where, I thought?) Into counseling and heartache. Wow, it was the same journey!
I think it depends on the age and maturity of the child. My own son caught his father the night before I found out and was intending to tell me later when his dad wasn’t around. My son was college-aged and he knew about EAs (his stupid mother didn’t). He was very angry with his father but has not, to this day that I know of, said a word to his dad about it. Guess he stood by and waited for the tornado that is his mother to take over (and I did with a vengeance). I haven’t really talked to my son about the EA except when he mentioned how mean he had noticed my H was to me during the EA. I don’t think anything is really served by telling the kids and changing their world. The CS has done enough damage why compound it?
NO No no, children are inocent they dont need to know unless they ask and only if they are old enough to understand. Nurture or Nature.
I agree. I’m sure my kids aged 14 -2 knew something was up. I have not discussed this with my kids though. They can know there are issues but I don’t feel themeed to drag them into the marital problems. When asked about whether we would divorce or not I was honest. I told them mom and dad love them very much but explained we were not getting along very well at the moment. Kind of like a tiff with their best friends for them. However I believe my 12 yr old daughter knows more than imagined. She ans her 3 year old were discussing what to name a baby doll the other day. She was mad at me at the time and suggested naming the doll “Melanie” which is the name of the ow. After the words were out she looked up up at me to gauge my reaction. I think I covered my hurt pretty well.
I have thought about sending out feelers prior to this to see what they know but I don’t believe it is a good idea. If they want to talk about whatever is bothering them I am always open but the specifics are not their concern.
My fear is that they will think this kind of behavior and treatment is ok. I believe the best way to handle it is to show that it is not ok and stand up for myself in a respectable way and try to work through the issues.
I remember Asking my mom (around the age of 12) what she would do if dad had an affair on her. Her response has stuck with me through the years. She said she wanted him to be happy and if his happiness was not with her she would let him go but if he truly wanted to make things work and it was a mistake then she would work through the issues with him.
That is where we are now. Working through the issues. Learned a lot about love and marriage from mom.
It is because of her response that I am able to stay and still be true to myself. Never thought I would go thru this but I was better equipped to handle it from that conversation. I hope I can pass this along to my children as well.
Having noticed my W was still having the EA with the OM this past Christmas while we were visiting my son at college, needless to say this Christmas was not the best for any of us.
My son could tell something was wrong because I wanted nothiing to do with my wife because I was angry. We both apologized to him for ruining his Christmas and he said it was okay but I know this will stick with him forever and for that I feel very sad.
To answer the question, we have decided not to tell our kids, who are both grown 21 and 29, because I don’t want them to be angry or hate their mother. Even though it is visible that we are not getting along like we used to when they were little, this is between me and my wife. They both have enough stress in their lives and they don’t need the added stress of wondering if mom and dad are going to make it.
In my case our kids are young (6, 2 and 6 months) and they are not being told anything. My husband was having an emotional affair with a coworker as well. It wasn’t physical, but there were a lot of text messages describing what he would like to do to her. He offered to meet her after work and she said she couldn’t, so it never happenend. I found out a few days after thanksgiving. I knew something was up so I checked his phone and found text messages. He ended it through a text message that he sent to her sith me sitting next to him. Things have been good but the guilt/anxiety is driving my husband insane. He thinks I would be happier without him where I could start new and not have to worry about this anymore. He says that he loves me, but is scared about the feelings that he has. How do I help him realize that we can work this out and I am not going to let this ruin our 13 year relationship? I hate that this has happened and would never have thought he would do something like this. I feel like my life is falling apart.
Doug and Linda – I know this is not the proper place to put this question but I’m not sure where else to put it. Doug, after the EA was discovered did you ever feel Linda was trying to hard “fix” or “repair” the marriage? I find myself, the BS, doing this and I don’t know if this makes things worse. We are about 2 weeks out from the last time I found out they were still communicating.
Thank you
Hey Swivet, No worries. To answer your question…I don’t believe that I ever felt that Linda was trying too hard – except when it came to always wanting to talk about stuff at what seemed like every waking moment. However, I wondered if what she was doing and how we were changing was real and if it would be long-lasting.
Remember that there isn’t any one catch all strategy and that you probably need to try different things to see what is effective. For some, backing off might be the best strategy, where others might be best served by doing the complete opposite. If you see that she is responding to what you’re doing, then keep doing it. If not, make adjustments and try something else.
Here are a couple of posts that might help you:
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/more-mistakes-made-after-infidelity/
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/my-%E2%80%98woulda-coulda-shoulda%E2%80%99-list-revisted/
I don’t think kids need to know what is going on in the privacy of their parents’ relationship, no matter their ages. Mine do know that Dad had an affair, because about 10 months after I found out, I had organised to rent a house in town, and move out, and I had to tell them I was taking them from their home, and, being teenagers, they did ask questions, which I answered honestly, but gently. Both of us have asked them a few times over the past couple of years if they ever have any questions about it, that we are happy to answer them, they never have. We have separated three times in 2 and a half years, so, of course they know. What both of us have told them is that we love each other fiercely, we love them just as fiercely, and my OH has told them it was the worst thing he has ever done, and that he wishes he hadn’t done it, but can’t take it back, and that we are desperately trying to find a way to stay together with forgiveness, respect and love.
When I told them, they all immediately knew who he’d been sleeping with. I’ve asked my (now, almost) 19 year old daughter if they knew before I did, and she says they had no idea, until I said what he did. They have all been very calm and matter-of-fact about it, which I have found a little disconcerting, but talking to them, I think they’re okay. There were some quiet tears at the point of me originally talking to them, and hugging them all, even the two eldest, my 15 year old son let me hug him, and my usually quite contained 19 year old “allowed” a hug, lol.
In some ways, if they see us survive this, it may be a good life lesson about love, communication, forgiveness of errors made and respect. It’s a way in to be able to teach them the lessons their father never learned growing up.
still struggling, I love your memory of your mother’s gentle advice, and I agree completely, and I’d told my OH that same thing many times over the years, “don’t let’s either of us ever put each other through the pain of an affair, leave first if you’re unhappy (after talking about the issues, obviously, trying to work through it.)” Good advice, but it was not taken, I had NO IDEA he was unhappy, same demeanour, just carried on with life like he hadn’t a care in the world. He says he knows why he didn’t leave, but it still really rankles with me, when I let it! He says he knew she was not a good person, or good for him, that he really picked her because he sub-consciously knew he wouldn’t leave me for her, she was a “safe” bit of distraction from his troubles, and, of course, they were never going to get caught – he was right, he was good at hiding it – for 15 months, I never really suspected a thing (only in hindsight do I see what I was missing.) I never caught them, my children never caught them, our friends never caught them, I only know because she told me about a month after he ended it with her.
Of course, kids are affected, but they’re affected when you have a tough month at work, and are a little short with them, or distracted with another of life’s problems, try not to beat yourself up too much, they are also pretty resilient. To be fair, my teenagers are far more wrapt up in their own worlds to really care too much about their silly old parents! That hurts a little too, at times, but is the nature of the teenage brain. I recall not really having true empathy for my Mum until I was an adult myself, even though I felt empathy at the time, I had a life to live,she was okay, typical teenage selfishness, but we were both okay, too, maybe teenage brains are not so wrong!
Thank you Doug, I will take that approach of seeing what works and if not try another.
This one is tough to respond to. I don’t think it is wise for my kids to know about their Dad’s infedelity. However, I think all of them do know that something big has happened and a few know more specifics. I have children ages 5-13. They know Daddy did something that made me very upset and hurt and sad. I reassured them that we are not getting divorced and I love Daddy and I am working at not being so sad and mad and that daddy is very sorry.
The following 6 months have been very hard with frankly much rage and anger on my part. During one of our fight, I yelled out words like GIRLFRIEND and FLIRTING and CHEATING. Two kids heard those words. I have had to apologize a few times to my children for my out of control yelling that they have had to hear. We now leave the house, just in case…I know this is wrong. I grew up in an anger-filled home and I know the fear and security issues it causes kids. It was totally wrong for me to do that around them. Not good for my husband either, but that anger has stopped – mostly.
I spoke individually to all my children (minus the youngest) to ask if they knew why I was so upset with Daddy. The two knew it was because Daddy had a girlfriend and was flirting. I was able to tell them that he didn’t anymore. That is was wrong and Daddy is sorry, loves me and we are going to be okay. Also, that if they wanted to talk about anything or have any questions they can ask either of us. The older kids knew there was something going on but didn’t want to share what they thought and were fine with the assurance that we aren’t getting a divorce, that we love each other, and that they can come and talk anytime.
I think my children are all fairly young that I haven’t seen any affect in the relationship between their dad and them. I do think they have felt the blow of the afteraffects of the EA. They know we now go to counseling and out on a lot more dates just the 2 of us. It has been a rocky road.
My kids know…and I HATE that they do!! My youngest periodically asks “Is daddy still talking to that mean woman” And I reply, “No, he isn’t” His reply ” If she calls him, you and me are going to get on a plane and go there and I’m going to tell her to leave my daddy alone”!!! That’s when my heart breaks…and my H leaves the room, leaving me to deal with it. And THAT is why my kids know….We were in our bedroom, 4 1/2 mos after DDay, the kids knew nothing up to that point, and we were arguing because my H still hadn’t gotten rid of his cell phone, a HUGE trigger for me, nor had he changed his number…I asked him why, and he told me to stop acting like an idiot…granted it WAS 2 a.m. and we had been snapping at each other all day…but that HURT!
I grabbed my suitcase, it was already packed since we were going out of town the next day, and rounded up my kids, the youngest was 11, and told them to get in the car. It was very traumatic for them and I will regret it to my dying day!! I yelled at my H to tell them what he had done, he just stood there, arms crossed, looking bored!! Honestly, he looked at me like he had better things to do, then to deal with me and his kids. I then told the kids about their daddy’s “friend” and that I had tried for over 4 mos, and just couldn’t do it anymore…I kept telling them I was sorry, so sorry!
My 15 yr old just sat on the floor sobbing his heart out, my oldest took all the luggage and loaded it in the car without saying a word, and my youngest started praying, asking God for help.
And still my H just stood there, not a tear in his eye, as I sat there holding my 15 yr old, crying right along with him. I can honestly say I hated my H that night…and I still don’t forgive him for that…
I have realized in the 10 mos since that happened that my H has severe emotional intimacy problems, and we have discussed this a lot in the last month.
I known for the last 25 yrs that he never got emotional about things…I mean, we’ve been married that long and I’ve never seen him cry…not once! Not even when I had a miscarriage at 14 wks…I was crying my heart out, and he just sat that and patted my back….didn’t even hug me!
But it wasn’t until I found out about the EA that I started to realize that this isn’t “normal” in a marriage, and that his not communicating with me is what led him into the EA….I found this website and when he read all the signs of emotional intimacy problems, he looked at me, I looked at him, and he said “That’s me”.
Here’s the link http://powertochange.com/sex-love/menintimacy/ I find that now that he has admitted that he has a problem with EI, I can finally start to heal…I’ve felt more peace today that I have in months…I know we will need a therapists to help him, but he’s not ready to hear that yet…but soon 🙂
It was only after I read somewhere on this blog about how a affair is because a spouse wants to create emotional distance in a marriage, well, that was the catalyst for me to start questioning whether my H’s emotional distance was wrong…so thanks AGAIN Linda and Doug for this website…it’s really helped strengthen me A LOT!! And sorry for this long post, I just didn’t want anyone to think I was an awful mom because my kids know about the EA : / I wish to God that I would have kept myself under control that night in April!!
My children were all older, my exhusband didn’t hide his
affair from them. There were other things my children didn’t
know about him and still to this day I have remained quiet
about those things. I feel there is no purpose in them knowing everything, it wouldn’t change what’s already
done. However, when my ex was in his affair, my oldest
daughter confronted me about ( why I let her dad treat
me that way.) My children were very protective of me
during the divorce. However, from the get go, I made it
clear to them, that he was still their dad and even though
we divorced, they were to still love him and be good to
him. My ex and I are civil to each other, along with our
families and it makes it nice for my children to have this,
even though their dad and I divorced.
Laura–
I can relate to your problem of wondering where to go with the information that your H thinks you would be better off without him around reminding you of what he has done. Mine said the same thing, and I have been married (2nd marriage) for 14 years. I told him that it would be impossible for him to know how I would feel, that only I know how I would feel if he left me. Actually he did see a lawyer and put money down on getting a divorce. I saw the email on his computer. He had stopped contact with the OW, but said he hated seeing me so sad and so felt if he left, I could start over and not be reminded daily of what had happened. Through a lot of weeping and talking he decided to put any divorce action on hold. This happened July 2011 and he just contacted the attorney December 2011 to stop any further work on it. During that six months, I tried not to act so sad, saw a counselor, still had my “bad” moments but really tried to be happier. This seemed to help him feel better about his shame and guilt, which I think is a huge part of the CS reactions to things. Many, many times I would cry in private, which I think helped me to “unload.” But I also did confront him from time to time. He finally told another male friend that he trusted and that helped him a lot. I have only told two people–my sister and the wife of the male friend he told. I do not believe he has had any contact with the OW; she moved across the country on the day after I found out. They had their EA/PA for the better part of a year in 2010, and my d-day was this past December 2011, so it has been a little over a year. I’m not over it yet, but it is better. We are building new memories, and I do try not to let myself get really down. I do know he loves me, and I love him. He does admit he was really in a fog and thinks it was a mid-life crisis. I try to give him the approval and admiration he needs so, and in turn he does go out of his way to make me feel cherished and loved again. It is getting better – but by no means am I completely healed.
Thank you jiani…he told me last night that we would both be happier if we seperated. He is afraid the anxiety is going to kill him. I told him that I am not going anywhere and that him leaving will just make his anxiety worse knowing he broke up his family. I am trying to be supportive and not act sad like you said. I am seeing a therapist and so is he but it takes 5 weeks to get a follow up appt and its hard because things seem to happen about 2 weeks in. I think he needs to ask for an emergency appt because he is on the verge of an axiety/panic attack. I love and care about him so much and don’t want anything to happen to him.
Laura–First a correction to my original post. I said my D-day was Dec 2011; it was Dec 2010, so it has been just a year this past Dec 2011. We had both originally agreed we would not make any definite decisions until a year had past, so I was really stunned when he saw an attorney six months after d-day in July 2011 to file for a divorce. However, he really didn’t seem to want to take the steps to actually move out – so I think he really didn’t want a divorce, but just felt he had to “do something” to assuage his guilt and probably his anxiety, too. Like your H has told you, I heard the same thing “that we would both be happier if separated so he wouldn’t be reminded of what he did to me, and I wouldn’t be reminded of what he did to me.” Also, like your H, I think you said earlier, this is not someone that others would ever think he would ever do. And, I think the fact they have “fallen short” of their own ideals and principles makes them extremely ashamed and produces anxiety. I’m sure you have anxiety, too. I know I sure did and still do. Seems like you should be able to get into therapy sooner than 5 weeks. That is a long time to wait. I agree that things seem to happen within 2 weeks. In fact we went a few times together every week. Then, he felt “picked” on, so I went alone. He has been back once on his own and once more together. But I go now about 1-2 times/month to work on my trust issues–which are huge at times, even though I do think my H is trying hard to show me he can be trusted. But, I still wonder if he thinks of her…. He says he only thinks of her now with the pain it has caused – but if my spouse could lie to me quite a few times with such ease, it makes it hard to trust again. Some days are just b-a-a-a-d and others are better. Hang in there!
My kids were suspicious before I did. The person my dog of a husband had an emotional affair (so he says it was only) with is his cousin. They disliked his action and felt his conversations with her were in appropriate. My daughter 13 year old daughter told me. He lied and berated her for saying he was talking appropriately. He never reacted that way with her ever, so I knew it was true. My daughter has developed behavior problems. I’m telling everyone I can; everyone thought he was so great; everyone wanted a husband like him. He took the accolades from everyone. They acted like he walked on water. I want everyone delusional bubble busted. Well, I haven’t told my four brothers yet, they’ll have plenty to say.
Wow, after reading all of these posts, I want to add a new perspective. My d-day was August of 2010. That was the day my husband finally blurted out that he had a “one night stand,” 18 years ago. D-day came after 8 agonizing months of his bit by bit confessions, starting with, “I objectify women,” and his suicide attempt. (This confession came only after I discovered he had been on facebook flirting outrageously with his nephew’s wife.) Of course, his one night stand was really an affair, which lasted over a year. Over the past two years I have learned that this was just one of his many betrayals involving everyone from casual acquaintances to family members; as well as porn shops, the internet, strippers, men and minors. His problem was way too huge to hide from our grown sons, aged 24 and 26. My anger quickly turned to rage, and as my husband of 29 years begrudging disclosed the details of his sordid life, my life totally unraveled. I ended up quitting my job and moving 3,000 miles away to be with my sister for a month. Our sons deserved some kind of an explanation, and before I left I asked my husband to talk with them in my presence. He did talk with them, albeit he was still just admitting to objectifying women. Many months later there was a second disclosure whereby he confessed to having an affair and to his inappropriate feelings for an underage niece. Looking back on it, I know my husband was still sugar coating his disclosure, but that was ok for the purposes of informing our sons. It wasn’t ok that he was continuing to lie to me. In fact, over the last couple of years my husband has gone berserk, tried to blame me for his despicable behavior, threatened divorce, pushed me to “just leave him”, and attempted suicide. I see all of these ploys as his way of trying to shut down a conversation or manipulate me to stop pressing for the truth. I know my husband has an illness, and I know that I have perpetuated that illness by burying my head in the sand. We both have a lot of work to do just to get this marriage back to ground zero. I have good days and I have days that are riddled with doubts about whether I am doing the right thing by still being with him. But I will say this; I have never regretted sharing what was going on with our sons. If parents think their kids aren’t aware of something being seriously wrong in the family unit, they are sadly mistaken. Kids know, and it is at times like this that parents need to validate their children’s feelings and reassure them that it’s not their fault and that mom and dad are trying to work out some really difficult problems. I believe it is better for parents to acknowledge the problem, validate everyone’s feelings, maintain age appropriate boundaries, and encourage open/respectful communication. Otherwise, parent’s run the risk of causing further damage by making their children feel either betrayed by their parents’ lack of honesty, or crazy, because they can’t reconcile what they are feeling with what is going on around them.