Happy Wednesday!

One of our readers posed a great question in the comments the other day and I thought that it would make a great discussion topic and should be considered in greater depth.

We’ve certainly talked about the need for the cheater to ask for forgiveness from the betrayed, but we’ve never touched on whether or not the cheater should ask forgiveness from the affair partner’s spouse.

So, what do you think?

Should the cheater ask for forgiveness from the affair partner’s spouse?

What are the pros and cons?

Please respond to each other in the comment section.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

    78 replies to "Discussion – Should the Cheater Ask for Forgiveness from the Affair Partner’s Spouse?"

    • Sam

      Well it depends. If the AP’s spouse is NOT aware of the situation, asking for forgiveness from them might open a big can of worms.

      For my part, I’ve actually thought about talking to the OW. In a perfect world, she’d be contrite and apologize to me for what she did. (Ha!) I think that gesture on her part would actually help me to heal and move on. I feel like she escaped from this whole mess with very minimal damage while my home was devastated, and 8 months later, I’m still trying to pick up the pieces.

      Her husband has absolutely NO idea of any of this. When I was most angry, I wanted to tell him everything. I thought he DESERVED to know the kind of skank he had for a wife. But then I thought: “Well, this man is innocent. He has done nothingto me. Do I really want him to hurt as badly as I do??” The answer is a definite NO. In many ways, I wish I was ignorant as well.

      For that same reason, my husband can’t apologize to him. It would just make matters worse.

    • Notoverit

      NO. And I have a few reasons for that.

      First of all, the OW in my situation was a severe nutcase. After D-day, she just wouldn’t stop stalking and texting and calling –ME. It got so severe that I had to hire a PI to confront her and tell her to stop. It worked, somewhat. Occasionally she will shoot a barb at me over the bow but I generally ignore it. She never apologized to ME; all she did was constantly harass me. I did not want any contact with her or especially her husband. I do not, to this day nearly 15 months later, think her H knows anything about the EA. I do not want to stir drama with her AND him.

      We live in an area of the States where guns are a way of life. And we have rednecks. Those are two things that, when there is anger, do not mix. Judging from the lifestyle of my OW and her H, they fall under the category of “Shoot first and ask questions later.” I did not want the H to find out in the event he decided to take matters too far. I mean, she’s crazy and he must be crazy too because he’s been married to her for 29 years. LOL You have no clue about what you’re dealing with in these situations. I did not want some idiot killing me or my husband so I did not contact the OW’s husband.

      That said, which were my major problems with any contact, I do not think my H owes the OW’s husband an apology – SHE DOES. My H only has a duty to me, not her or her H. She joined in the affair the same as my H, let her deal with her own problems. Since I don’t think the OW’s H knows, then why stir the pot anyway. I am only concerned with me and My H, not her. Let her apologize and leave us out of it.

    • Notoverit

      And one question for you Doug – was Tanya Married? I can’t remember. Did you ever consider, if she was, sending her H an apology?

      • Doug

        Notoverit, Yes she was married. I never really thought about apologizing to her husband as I thought my responsibilities lay with taking care of Linda and her needs. Also, I wouldn’t want to stir up any past pain for Tanya’s husband.

        • Notoverit

          Did the H know about the EA?

          • Doug

            Yes he knew out about it.

    • changedforever

      My weigh-in on this subject puts a different spin on this topic, however its relevant: you see, my H’s affair partner was single, but was known for seeking out older, married men (& my H knew this prior to their EA/PA…maybe that made ‘things’ more exciting at the time?…for him.)
      Since this person knew what ‘it’ was doing (the AP,) after the ‘jig was up’ and wifey (that’s what I was told the AP referred to me as) knew about their affair, 6 days later the thing wrote me an email…a fake apology email. Why? Well back then (17+ mths ago,) I knew they had collaborated on the writing of it. And I blasted back …and H then had the nerve to ‘counsel’ me…asking why I was so hard on her (caused a lot of damage to me…a lot.)…but what was the most hurtful & damaging thing that came from that (fake) apology (I.e., “…I was under the wrong impression about the condition or state of your marriage…didn’t realize my affair with your husband would have caused so much pain & tribulation….I mean no further harm….etc., etc.) After I blasted this ‘thing’ back…it continued to email and friend request my H.
      As if it was a joke…and I was the brunt of the joke…and he was in on it. At that point I was able to hack into his email…and able to see almost everything. So the (so called) apology? It did SO MUCH damage..so much. And it took almost a year for my H to finally admit that he gave the OW my personal email address…after so many denials/lies. Another HUGE violation. Just my situation, somewhat relative.

      • Notoverit

        Did your H ever tell you why he was in on this email? I am afraid I would have lost it too. That was a severely mean thing to do.

        • changedforever

          NotoverIt…H repeatedly felt the need to share w/me how sad & difficult OW’s life was. …until our counselor made him realize that its time to ‘stop pouring salt into my wounds.’ THAT seemed to resonate but he really did ‘believe’ the OW…of age to be a child of his. Believed & referred to this thing as a ‘free spirit.’ (And yes, I looked that up too: .’..a person who does what they want w/enjoyment …not limited by usual rules of social behavior, irresponsible’ …now who is going to try to tell me that is NOT the same definition of ‘Affair Partner?…’)

      • Deb

        Did you divorce after all that. I ha w same kind of thing. Other woman writes apology. I had no idea thus was going on. The other woman’s husband found out and confronted her. She then told my husband who comes to find out thought he could hide not telling me. Other woman made and done with him as he was a coward so thought would just fall back on me. This is my husbands second affair. One for 3 years and this one for one. The other woman wrote me and apologized but she was misled by him about getting divorce. Where do we go or do.

    • ifeelsodumb

      My H sent a in box from MY FB asking the OW’s H to call him…he wanted to apologize to him in person. We never heard from the OW’s H…I really wish he WOULD have called…so that my H could have heard his pain…so it would have made him realize even more the pain he has caused so many people by his selfish actions…AND I would have LOVED for the OW’s H to know that after his DDay…she STILL contacted my H via texting through her home computer!
      I did have a conversation with the OW 2 weeks ago when she called MY CP wanting to know whose number it was…..and in that conversation she blamed me for not doing what I should have been doing as a wife, and that’s why my H turned to her…so nope, won’t be getting an apology from her! LOL!! But that’s OK…she’s a low life and I’d expect that from her!

    • Writer Wife

      In my case the OW was my husband’s co-worker and our best friend — we did everything together as friends: going out multiple times a week to hang out, playing board games on the weekends, watching TV shows, even planning some vacations.

      Once my husband told me about the EA and we saw a therapist who counseled he cut off contact, he spoke to the OW telling her we all had to cut off communication (except, of course, what they needed to do for work since they work so closely together).

      While the OW has definitely crossed the line with him a few times with emails and conversations, she’s never once contacted me. My husband often believes the OW was not really involved in the EA — that he was just fascinated with and in love with her but she didn’t know. My response: yeah right. Trust me, she knew and she was encouraging it and an an active participant. He’ll sometimes admit that but then backpedal — it frustrates me to no end that he can’t see her role in all of this (which is why he still wants to try to be friends with her and can’t see why I’m against that).

      I’m torn on whether she owes me an apology. If she were just some other woman, I’d prob think not. But since she was one of my best friends, I lean towards yes. While my husband doesn’t see it this way (since he claims she wasn’t a participant), I see her as disrespecting me, my life, my marriage and our friendship.

      But then again, I’ve asked my husband to move out until he’s willing to let her go. That’s made me realize that I also have to let her go which means I have to stop caring about her feelings and her apology. So in my attempt to move on, I’d say I don’t really ever need to talk to her again.

      • Lynne

        Hello Writer Wife-

        I really relate to your post above. In my case, my H says that he doesn’t think the OW was after him (btw, she’s single), but our counselor disagreed. It’s also possible that this is another lie on the part of my H. The OW is the one that called him all the time, invited him to do things with her, and would send cute little emails (barf!). She also left him several voice mails (over the 5 years they supposedly weren’t having an EA–sarcasm here!) wanting to stop by and see him at work. Now I ask you, if she wasn’t interested in him, then why no calls in the evenings or weekends? What a coincidence that they only interacted during daytime hours.

        Once they were outed, he had me listen to a voice mail she left saying that she hadn’t heard back from him from the voicemail she left a few days earlier, and said “you didn’t call me back, is your wife uncomfortable with our friendship?”. Hmmm, if she didn’t have interest in him, why would this even cross her mind? Not to mention that this “friendship was going on for 5 years and I never met her, despite asking to meet her 2-3 times.

    • Holding On

      I think I would like an apology. A heartfelt, sincere, take all the blame, admit what they did was wrong apology. An, “I am so sorry for the hurt and pain I have caused you and your family” apology.

      If it had any excuses, explanations, judgement, justifications, etc. it would have a negative effect.

      I don’t think this apology should be near D-Day, but perhaps 6 months to a year out from D-Day, and I think the situation of the EA/PA should be considered. I found out about the EA and it was stopped completely and there has been no contact after D-Day. I think if there was multiple D-Days or continued contact, then any contact from the AP would possibly be more hurtful.

      On the tread where this question was brought up, it was admitted that maybe a reason for apology would be to somehow send a message or contact the AP in some way. If that was the intent in ANY WAY, it should not be done. Actually, in the forgiveness letter/contact, I would hope the OW would do everything in her power to tell me she has not contacted my husband since D-Day, and will NEVER again. That this letter is for an apology only and she doesn’t expect any response and this is her only contact with me ever again. I think it should be addressed to the spouse, not the couple and maybe even should be sent so the AP would never know it was sent, unless the spouse shared that it was received.

      I hold my husband responsible for his EA, not her. His commitment was to me, hers was to her family, however, she did wrong me by her choices, and if she chose to be completely apologetic and did a true, remorseful apology, I think it would go far to heal a part of me and my feeling toward her.

      I know that some people have said that the best thing would be to let them work on their marriage and stay out of it, and maybe that should be shared in the letter. I debated whether I should have any contact, but I wanted to share my true feelings of remorse and apologize to you for the wrong choices (not mistakes!!) made.

      I want my husband to WANT to apologize. I think he has that choice if he ever did contact the husband, but I want him to realize the impact he also made on her marriage and her family. I think he thinks since they were headed for divorce he was only “helping” their marriage. Not true!

    • Notoverit

      Set you free from what? Your guilt? That comes from the person YOU cheated on – your wife. Writing the OW’s H will not absolve you from that. This letter writing is for you, not the OW’s husband. I still just do not see what it will accomplish. Why do you seek his forgiveness? That’s the OW’s job.

    • jewel

      this is absurd. Contact should be severed between the two cheaters. the only person the other person’s spouse should get an apology from is the other person. it is their relationship. If my husband were to approach her husband to say sorry? why? it would be insincere at best.
      He has barely apologized to me.

    • Lynne

      EP-

      My advice is to “LET IT GO”! You dont need to stir the pot further–you have already been an intruder in their marriage, so why intrude on it again.

      As to your wife, I fail to see how apologizing to the OW’s H will help your wife to feel better. Please do correct me if I’m not understanding this line of thinking. To me, it seems a total waste of time to use up any head space about the OW’s H……why not put all of your energy into the love and healing of your wife. Furthermore, you completely run the risk of getting a letter or email back from the H that is full of pain and anger toward you–and then you’re off to the races with more drama and pain for all.

      Please let it die! You sound as if you are doing this for your benefit and guilt, not for the OW’s H.

    • SucksHard

      Oh please, no I don’t want an apology, frankly, because I would prefer that woman to learn nothing from this and gain no critical insight on her behavior so that she is doomed to repeat her self-destructive behavior until she is empty, alone, and old without a clue how to foster actual human commitment and intimacy. Besides, I personally feel better thinking about her as a weak individual who doesn’t have the integrity to do such a thing.

      I wrote to her and she had the opportunity to write back. While not a warm and fuzzy e-mail, one that did not demonize her but placed blame on both. She could have said: “i regret being involved in this. it was stupid and selfish and i didn’t mean to hurt you.”

      • Paula

        Sucks Hard

        I understand your thoughts here, but I wanted our OW to learn, because i needed to feel that my pain would help someone else avoid it, at all costs. She is incapable of empathy, and therefore the ability to learn from the situation, because it only happened because I was a bad partner, yeah, right! I also eventually wrote to her, a kind, empathetic letter, trying to outline the pain her actions helped cause (my ex-friend) but have never had any reply, she just continued to text my OH, she doesn’t care.

      • Bea

        I hope you have daughters and nieces. Please think of one of “them” as being the “OW”. Because it WILL happen at some point. To wish loneliness and devastation on another woman? Perhaps it was these very feelings that caused her entrance into this heartbreaking scenario. I think this “OW” deserves your forgiveness, your understanding, and empathy. Be as kind to her as possible because she is , more than likely, going through an emotional hell right now . Only when you forgive and show her your kindness, friendship , and understanding will she see you with loving eyes and the love you have for your husband. Remember- HE has played BOTH of you….

        • Blueberry

          Well spoken, with a good heart. I am the OW. And I do have to say, the entire experience has been heart-wrenching. My partner-in-crime was playing us both. But, in his wife’s defense, she was not party to the game she was shoved into. I had full knowledge of what I was in.

          I was planning a divorce, and he was planning a future (1 year in advance) trip to Disney with his family. He told me his heart was 50/50. And I believed him. But, when you take 50% of a 17 year marriage and compare it to 50% of a 4 month affair, the odds were NEVER in my favor. I was so desperate for love and understanding, that I subjected myself (and his wife too) to being played. Ashamed-that is what I feel daily-almost 6 months since it ended.

          I am ashamed that I became a selfish person, a person that was dishonest, a person that I would minister to (against infidelity) when I entered into that relationship. But, I went in with eyes-wide open. The wife didn’t. I have since apologized to her-via FB messages, and have tried to thwart his attempts at contact. I don’t want him to tell me that he “misses our conversations”. As long as I am a pawn, he will use both me and his wife to try to fill the void inside of himself.

          Long story short-in a different life, his wife and I could have been friends. But commiserating together, over his infidelity, is NOT going to happen. To her, if you believe her Pinterest board, am a whore and a home wrecker. And, if I’m being honest, I’ve earned those unflattering titles.

    • Lynne

      Ep-

      OMG! I just read your post above with the following………..

      “What about the truth will set you free? Truth matters and if you didn’t want to stir up a can of worms, you wouldn’t of started the EA/A to begin with. To forgive and be forgiven should not be discounted.”

      Sure, go ahead and set yourself free and in the process, you can drive the knife deeper into her H’s heart. At least YOU will feel better!

      Has it ever occurred to you that if her H wanted to confront/contact you, he would have? Do you actually expect to be forgiven? Do you think you should get to decide what would be good for her H. I’m sorry, but you sound a bit arrogant and righteous here.

      If you haven’t already been to counseling, I’d just suggest you get some support and guidance before you proceed with this.

    • Healing Mark

      EP. I find much of what you write on this site to be contrary to what many others write, and perhaps that is because you are the CS and are experiencing all of the feelings/emotions that go along with your role in the affair. I agree with Notoverit and others, no doubt, that writing a letter to your AP’s H is not the right thing to do for so many reasons. That said, if you know for CERTAIN that this man knows about your affair, I can understand you sending him a very short, simple apology for the affair and all the damage that it has caused, which apology should in NO WAY attempt to rationalize or otherwise try to explain any of the how’s or why’s of the affair.

      Do you really believe that your AP and her husband’s lives will be better if the H knows the “absolute truth”? Seriously? First, what is the “absolute truth” and do you really think that this can be communicated by you to your AP’s husband? Second, if this man does not know about the affair, why would you ever do something to him that you know is going to cause the pain/hurt/damage that the discovery of the affair will doubt cause? If you take just a small bit of time to read comments of BS’s to various posts in which they describe how horrible their lives have become as a result of the discovery of their partners’ affairs, you would see that bringing your affair to your AP’s husband’s attention is not going to make his life better.

      Finally, as a BS whose wife had an EA and ended the EA before I discovered that it had existed, I SO wish that I had never made such a discovery. I correctly sensed that things had gone amiss in my marriage and had gotten into counseling with my wife about the time the EA was ending. We were in a much better place in our marriage when I discovered what I had suspected to have existed. That discovery was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me and has resulted in so many negative effects on me, my wife, my children (even though they do not “know” about the affair). If my wife’s AP had brought the EA to my attention either through an apology or, heaven forbid, an attempt to gain my forgiveness for his role in the EA, I’m afraid I might have done something to him that would have landed me in prison for a long time.

      Now, once my wife’s AP knew for sure that I knew about the EA, his apologies with no attempts to rationalize his role in the EA, and with no attempts to try to explain any of the how’s or why’s of the EA, did help. I have never forgiven him (and he was once a good friend of mine), but this is more due to the fact that I have seen no need to do so and have thus put no effort into doing so. I have genuinely forgiven my wife, which is what both my wife and I needed to move forward with our lives. What my wife’s AP has done since the EA discovery that has been most beneficial is to cut off all contact with my wife, something he agreed to do at the very beginning, and later chose to do on his own when he felt (he has told me this as I still see and talk to him a couple of times a year) that even minimal contact with my wife was not doing any of us any good and that no contact, other than sometimes our families running into one and the other at social gatherings, was the best policy.

    • melissa

      In my case, the only person I’d like to ask me for forgiveness is my H. The OW is not worth it, she used him and is a minx and a pr** teaser but he is the one who chose to go for the chase.

    • Carol

      I did write directly to the OW after I found out. I was mostly angry: I was suffering like crazy, and she just got to continue on her merry way. I told her not to contact my husband again, that she had wreaked havoc in four innocent lives (mine and the lives of my three children), that her daily contact with my H via text and phone was wildly inappropriate, that she should not encourage married men to leave their wives or send them pictures of herself, etc. She wrote back with a lying apology. What I mean is this: she said she ‘never meant any harm’ and ‘wished only happiness for me and my family.’ (Guess she was ‘wishing happiness’ for my family while she was making out with my husband? Hmm.) She lied again by telling me they were not in daily contact (I have the text/phone records to prove otherwise), she denied telling him to leave me (I have the actual text messages in which she did so), and she apologized for causing me pain — but since she did so while lying about what she did it rang hollow. Honestly, it just made me even more angry and it was all I could do not to fire right back at the lying bitch. So: I’m not sure it’s helpful at all to contact the OW, and I sure don’t think it would be good to contact her H. He has enough to deal with simply being married to a lying selfish cheat, poor man. I very much doubt he needs me to add to his problems in order to make myself feel better. And I’m not sure I could separate my wish to strike back at her — revenge motives — from other motives. I don’t want to sink to her level, at all. I am determined NOT to become like her in any way, shape, or form, and that means NOT spreading pain.

    • Lynne

      EP-

      I understand what you’re saying, but you are ASSUMING this will help everyone move on. Both households are going to take a VERY LONG time to heal, and you run the risk of protracting their pain. This other couple needs to decide what it will take to “move on” in THEIR OWN MARRIAGE.

      You will have to show/prove to your wife that you have let go. Other posts of yours suggest that you have NOT “let go”, given your continued pain over the OW, therefore your wife is right in her thinking on this! In fact, I seem to recall you using the word love regarding your AP, yes? If so, have you told your W the truth about these feelings, or are you withholding the facts?

      Have you been to counseling yet? I don’t mean to be overly tough on you (I do understand that none of this is easy for you either), I just want to assist in being another voice of reason that might prevent you from making a bad situation substantially worse.

      Please, please, please get to work on you and your wife–stop the focus/obsessing on the OW and her H–it has you deflecting your time and attention away from what really matters.

    • Notoverit

      So if it’s the man’s fault, are you saying your OW had no brain in her head? Has she no soul? Geez, you’re right, this isn’t the time to debate this because there simply isn’t enough time in the universe to tell you how VERY wrong you are. Get some counseling and learn. And God made him the head of the home? Why would SHE do that?

    • Justsad

      I did get an apology from the OW after I confronted her 5 months post Dday. Oh she apologized telling me she was sorry she had caused trouble in my marriage but that and I quote “needed to understand that she and my H were just good friends, close friends”. I told her she didn’t get to be friends with my husband. (I mean serioulsly how delusional is she? She was lucky I didn’t clock her one right there! Don’t you dare try to tell me what I should understand!) I asked her how she would like if her husband (I called him by name and she did not look too comfortable about the fact that I know his name) had a friend like her. She replied she would not like it and she apologized for the after work hours texts and phone calls. I told her never to contact my H again under any circumstances. She agreed this was the best plan of action. She and my H had had a final conversation a week after DDay agreeing to the no contact.

      Well I believed that she would never contact him again like I believe in fairies and elves…yeah not so much. And lo and behold when my H made a bone head move last month (7 months post DDay) by replying all to an email he received from a mutual friend without checking the recipients list and inadvertently emailed her, she jumped right on that and emailed him back.

      Yeah, so much for the I am so sorry, I will never under any circumstances contact your H again. So yeah she can take her apologies and shove them up her ass. And yes, it’s my H who owes me and has the responsibility to apologize to me and oh he is apologizing…over and over ( because he replied to that email she sent and that is a whole other issue…which I recently posted about somewhere here.)

      But her apologize is worth about as much as her…nothing, zilch. And uh, yeah, like some of you have posted recently I might be just a bit angry.

    • InTrouble

      Healing Mark said the best thing: “First, what is the “absolute truth” and do you really think that this can be communicated by you to your AP’s husband? ”

      For the cheater to reach out to the spouse of the affair partner is nothing more than a selfish attempt to relieve him/herself of guilt. It is also, most likely, a ploy to continue contact with the affair partner.

    • SamIam

      I would not recommend that my H reach out to her H and I most certainly do not wish for any {false} apology from her! My H needs to apologize to me only, and worry about rebuilding this relationship. Her marriage should be no concern of his. If her H doesn’t know, I think it is because he chooses not to know, after all this was not “her first rodeo” (so to speak!)
      Skank is such a delightful word, I use it so seldom, but it sure fits some one who tried to secure her career on the backs of other women’s husbands. (oops out on a tangent 🙂 )

    • changedforever

      Linda…would love to get your thoughts/weigh in on this post of Doug’s….

      • Linda

        changedforever, In the early stages of healing I wanted to know if Tanya felt any remorse or guilt concerning her role in destroying our family. Doug told me she didn’t really care what the affair was doing to me or the effect it was having on our family. She felt she deserved this and wanted to have fun with my husband. If this was her belief, I imagine a letter from her would have hindered our recovery rather than enhance it. I truly believe that a cheater who is just ending an affair is not in the frame of mind to write such a letter. I agree that all the energy should go back into the marriage, the last thing I would have wanted Doug to do was to apologize to Tanya’s husband. His priority needed to be with showing me how sorry he was for his affair.

    • JH19

      I had two D-days. The first was a year ago when my husband tearfully admitted his EA (although he certainly didn’t refer to it that way). He said he had found his high school girlfriend online “by chance” and contacted her “just to see how she was doing”. After a few weeks of illicit texts, emails and phone calls, her fiance intercepted a text and confronted her. My husband reportedly “felt so bad about the misunderstanding” that he wrote an appology to the OW’s spouse. An apology which was nobly accepted. I only found out that the apology occured after my second D-day, 3 weeks later, when the OW’s spouse contacted me to let me know it was still going on. I can tell you from my perspective that I was enraged that HE got an apology, and apparently a very sincere, heartfelt apology, while I got excuses and told that I was neurotic and over-reacting.

      EP, I feel for you. You sound like my husband who I believe truly felt that this apology was owed to the other party’s spouse. But you are really missing the mark. He and his wife must work out their own issues, and you and your feelings or “sincere” apologies” should not matter in the least to them. Why did the OP’s spouse deserve such a heartfelt apology for damage to their relationship? They weren’t even married and had no children together. Why was the total destruction of our marriage and family and my reaction to it “neurotic” and “over-reacting”? Why was I supposed to understand that their history made this a “special circumstance” and ‘something he just needed to work through” but this woman’s boyfriend deserved such a sincere apology???

      The only person you owe is your wife. An apology to the AP’s spouse may feel therapeutic to you at the time, but as the BS I can tell you it certainly won’t help your wife.

    • Lynne

      EP-

      A good decision on your part–as for now, while you are still in the fog of this, no big decisions should be made. It’s likely you’ll look at this down the road a bit and be grateful that you didn’t act on this desire. If for some reason it still seems important 6 months from now, well that’s a different story.

      I can tell from your posts of late that you’re a little bit of a ping pong ball right now, so best to breathe and give things some time. I suspect that at some point you’ll get clearer on who your AP really is and why the fantasies of a relationship with this person are just that, a fantasy. I’m sure like all people she has some special qualities, but she is also someone with poor boundaries. The high that she gave you, and the much needed affection, would in every day life (and with all the pain you’d have caused your spouses and children) dwindle under the weight of the devastation. Relationships are hard work already, and when they are born out of deception, they rarely work out the way we fantasize they might.

      Hang in there.

      • Blueberry

        I am the OW. My EA was a beautiful, tragic disaster. It was a borne of a love lost 20 years ago, and rekindled (more like exploded) in the same exact spot (literally) where it began 20 years prior. We were both in terrible marriages. And we knowingly sought comfort and friendship from each other. I have been married 18 years and him 16 years.
        The majority of our affair was emotional only. In 4 months, relations only took place two times. But that was two times too many. It should not have happened. Ironically enough, most of my guilt is from my emotional attachment more than the physical. And, as stated before, we both went it knowing that the love we felt in affair was only perfect if it could exist in a vacuumed bubble-not reality.
        I tried, and failed terribly, to cut off contact with him 3 times. We would talk daily during our respective morning commutes, and we would text infrequently through FB secret conversations. What I found is that my need for his friendship outweighed my sense of doing the right thing. So, each time, I reached out to him again. That is on me. I was using what we had to fill the void in my failing marriage. When things got tough at home, for either him or me, is when we connected the most.
        His wife reached out to me more than a month ago-“I have copies of of the messages between you and my husband!!!” I freaked out. I blocked her via all forms on Social Media. I had been erasing the encrypted messages after each session, and, supposedly, he was too. We were caught. The worst part was that he told me how much he loved me and missed me in the last few messages.
        I told my husband straight away. I wanted to have control of the situation, the whole strike first. But, honestly, my angst was for cheated wife, not my husband. For him, it was more of a heads up type of confession. My marriage was basically over. That sounds very harsh-but until you have lived my life, you cannot properly judge my attitude.
        I never responded to her message of discovery. But I want to acknowledge my guilt. I want to write her an apology letter. My desire to do so, I honestly believe, is NOT self-serving. Thoughts?

    • Anita

      EP,
      It may help you to go and talk with your pastor, they’re
      education and knowledge will help you, also your
      church may have couples retreats for you and your wife
      to attend.
      As far as the other couple, I know your feeling guilt along
      with other emotions. For the time being until you contact
      your pastor and see what he saids, I wouldn’t do anything
      at this point.
      There’s much healing that needs to take place between
      you and your wife, right now your wife’s wounds are deep
      and she’s hurting. So she’s more important then this
      other couple she’s your primary concern at this moment.
      Also you need to address your own issues of why you
      decided to step outside your marriage. Also do you
      even trust yourself right now?

    • just a thought

      I hate the OW, wish I could let go because of what it does to me, she’s went all out for my husband having met me knowing he has kids, etc… if she hadn’t offered it on a plate I don’t think the silly old fool would’ve.
      She wanted him kids and all ‘my kids’, she wouldn’t have put up with all the crap else, she finally thought she’d got it, he was her world, yadda, yadda, yadda….

      What about mine and my kids world that you’ve destroyed, and will never be the same. What about the crap I’ve gone through. I want to tell her my truth what he didn’t tell her and after he ended it on the first DDay what he was telling me and what he wasn’t telling her.

      One day she will get hers though. Yes he fucked upto and I know that and why, why did she go all at for my husband though, what kind of woman does that. She’s 24 not bad looking, no commitments, she could’ve had anyone.

      • Anita

        Just a thought,
        What kind of woman does that? Those were my exact words a few years ago when my exhusband had his
        affair and our divorce. Also my feelings weren’t much different then what yours are now.
        However, as time passed and I began to heal, I realized
        it was my ex who made the wedding vows to me,
        therefore it was his responsibility to forsake all others.
        What kind of woman/man does that, sadly this has been
        happening for over a couple thousand years, its even
        in the Bible. There will always be a woman/man who
        sends a signal that they want more than a friendship,
        however it is the married spouses responsibilty to
        say no, and walk way.
        I got over the other woman, by forgiving her and a couple
        others he messed with. That’s why were divorced.
        Its hard at first to forgive someone, however when you
        make that choice to forgive it takes the poison away
        from you. Forgivness is for you, and it never makes
        what the other person right. Also its true those who
        anger you control you, so the best thing to do is to
        forgive and let it go.
        I gave up all my rights to vengence, when I read
        Romans 12 verse 19. I left in Gods hands.
        I also forgave my ex husband. Forgiveness happens
        little by little and healing also happens when you
        forgive others.
        In time you will feel better and this will pass.
        My best to you!

    • rachel

      I know this is off topic but I do have a question about the “fog”.
      When in the “fog” does the CS say things that he doesn’t mean? Or doesn’t know that he is saying? In June my H said to me that “I think we’ve come to the end of our road”, “I want to fall in love with someone else”.Now he is saying he didn’t mean those things.And is sorry for saying that. In Nov. when the bomb dropped he said “I’m in love with her, not you”, she is my soul mate,” we are leaving our family’s to be together”, “we didn’t skip a beat in 30 years”. But 4 hrs after he said he didn’t mean any of that that me and the boys are his family. In Dec. he said ” If I were a betting man I would bet that her and I will be together in the future”. I just don’t understand how anyone can say such hurtful words. This is what I have a hard time getting past. Especially the last one. All hurtful words that were said and float in my head daily now he is taking back. Was that the “fog” talking? Or is he just realizing what he will be losing? Honest opinions and feedback would be so helpful.

      • Lynne

        Rachel-

        While I did not have this same experience with my H, I have seen these same “fog” words over and over again on this site. I does seem to be rather common in these situations.

        On some levels (strange ones, to be sure!), it seems to make sense with a CS–the AP is making them feel amazing, and since the BS is not always aware of what is yet happening, they are going about their daily lives…..while again, the AP is the source of their joy.So wouldn’t it make sense that since the AP is making them feel on top of the world, there would be a transference that says, my spouse doesn’t give me this same high, therefore I must not be in love with my them any more. In other words, you are not giving them the same high they are getting from the AP. Plus, to live in an affair world and try to make yourself feel okay about it, wouldn’t you have to tell yourself—-AP worships me, spouse does not–this must be true love.

    • rachel

      He’s out of the fog. Wants to work on US, Why am I not jumping for joy? Is it too late? I feel that I have changed so much in the last four days.

    • Anita

      Rachel,
      You asked why are you not jumping for joy? You have
      been hurt, and your wounds are deep, and trust is small.
      For long time your husband gave away, what he should
      have been giving to you, and now he out of the fog, and
      now you’ve seen growth on your part, and can see how far
      you have drifted apart. Is it too late? Not if you do not
      want it to be, and can forgive him and can choose to love
      him again.
      When my exhusband called me up about 2 years after
      our divorce, because he was over his affair partner, I
      had moved on with my own life by then and had healed
      to a point where I no longer wanted him.
      Because his last affair was not the first time he cheated,
      and when we divorced, I moved to another state on
      purpose to break the cycle between him and I. I knew
      if I had stayed in the same city, he would at some point
      and time want to get back together again. So I moved on purpose to end that unhealthy relationship between us.
      However, you know yourself and husband best, what do
      you want? Can you forgive and let the past go, to rebuild
      a new relationship with him? Its pretty much your choice
      now. Also can you get to a point where you can trust him
      without the need to check up on him, and not have a
      pit in your stomach if he’s running late. It now your
      choice, my very best to you.

    • Anita

      Rachel,
      Also the reason your not jumping for joy is because the
      crisis is over, and the need to pull him away from the
      other woman is no longer there. Now your looking at
      the whole situation without all that other pressure on you.
      Your seeing all the damage in the relationship and also
      realizing you have changed.
      When that feeling happened with me, my feelings toward
      my exhusband changed, Something inside me died,
      and I was never able to recover those feelings for him
      again.
      However you and your husband are different people and maybe
      able to rebuild a new relationship again.

    • Anita

      Rachel,
      There was a time when I thought he had given up his
      affair partner and we were working to save the marriage,
      for about 1 and 1/2 years prior to our divorce, When I realized my feelings for him had changed to a degree that
      he knew and could sense those feelings. Because I had
      been through this before with him, he could tell the difference in how I treated him, I wasn’t very nice and
      told him to straighten up or get out. He brought divorce
      papers. However after signing them 2 weeks later he
      brought his affair partner out into the open. So all that
      time I was working to save the marriage, he had her on
      the side, they worked together at the same job.
      I guess the the saying fool me once shame on you, fool
      me twice shame on me, happened.
      However in the end it was best we divorced, time has
      healed all those old wounds and I can laugh and smile
      again and make jokes about it.
      However I do realize your still in pain and its going to
      take time for those wounds to heal, also making choices
      that effect the rest of your life isn’t easy.

      • Anita

        Rachel,
        Also prior to our divorce and after I had to face some harsh
        realities within myself of why I even allowed myself to
        work on our marriage when I found out about his last
        affair, I was angery at myself for doing that. I already
        knew his prior history and chose to give him one last
        chance against my better judgement. I had to work
        through all those feelings and when I did, I saw it was
        fear that held my back from divorcing him, it took 1 and 1/2
        years for me to build that strenght within myself to find the
        courage to let him go and divorce also to move to a new state. My family was so supportive of me when I left,
        they also were glad to see that I had the strenght to
        leave a unhealthy relationship. My brothers told me,
        if I ever went back to him again, that they would have
        no sympathy for me if he cheated, because they told
        me that I already knew what kind of man he was and
        if I was that stupid to take him back I deserved any
        further pain. They were right, and I now have a
        healthy happy life.
        Rachel your spouse maybe different than mine was
        however be careful and make wise choices for yourself.

    • Anita

      Rachel,
      I wanted to finish writing more last night but I had to be
      somewhere.
      I wish your husband and you the very best!
      I believe if both of you are willing to put the past behind,
      and he is transparent with his phone and computer and
      what other methods he used, as least for a while until
      you feel safe again. I believe you can rebuild towards
      a wonderful marriage again.
      However, be cautious and put new safeguards in place
      so he won’t cross those boundaries again.
      My very very best to you!

    • Rachel

      Thank you Anita. I appreciate and respect your opinions. You too Lynne. This blog has tremendously help me through this nightmare.

    • STILL STRUGGLING

      Yes, I wanted an apology from the OW , but did not get that when I called and asked her for this. When I asked her what she was going to do to make this right, she said that she did not feel she owed me anything. That told me a lot about this woman and it made me question my husband. I needed an apology to move on. I wanted this woman to know my pain and to set some boundaries since they work together.

      My H called the OW’s husband and apogized, which meant a great deal to the the OW’s H since their marriage ended in a divorce.

    • InTrouble

      Still Struggling –

      I am an OW and I would not consider apologizing to his wife either. I don’t know why, but I feel like she has nothing to do with me, and I’ve felt like that all along. I’m not proud of that, but it’s true. I never gave her any thought at all. Maybe it’s just denial, I don’t know.

      Admittedly, one thing I feel bad about is that she’s a lot younger than me, and she sounded very vulnerable on the phone.

      One thing stood out in your comment, and that is your feeling that you need an apology to move on. I bet you don’t; I bet an apology (especially a coerced one!) wouldn’t help much at all. What makes you move on is how you and your husband go forward.

      • Ifeelsodumb

        InTrouble,
        Do you feel that the wife deserves being hurt? That she “didn’t keep her man happy”? That’s what the OW said to me, that if I had been “doing my job” my H wouldn’t have turned to her…
        It does puzzle me that you say she sounded vulnerable, yet she doesn’t rate high enough with you, for you to offer an apology…and I would say that what you heard in her voice was a woman hurting and in pain…and you had a part in that…how sad…

        • Paula

          yeah, our OW wouldn’t speak to me, but told my OH the same thing IFSDs OW told her, if I had done “my job” he wouldn’t have turned to her. Why didn’t she say that to him before she decided it was okay to defile my houses, and property by sleeping withh him all over the place? She never questioned his motives, or his pain, for him to be in such a vulnerable position to make such stupid and selfish choices. GREAT friend indeed, to both of us!

    • InTrouble

      Ifeelsodumb – No, that does not describe my feelings at all. I think it was 100% her husband’s fault. I do not think it was her fault in any way. Trust me when I tell you, if it hadn’t been me it would have been someone else, in fact I know I am not his first transgression, however our affair was not a normal one.

      • Anita

        InTrouble,
        I believe everyone is accountable for their own actions, and
        choices. With that being said, we need to apply the
        Golden Rule, Do onto others, as we would want done unto
        us.
        However in this imperfect world, that doesn’t appear to
        be happening, instead its hurting people hurt other people.
        But there comes a time when, we need to be responsible
        not only for others but for ourselves.
        Healing is your job, so you don’t go out and hurt other people.
        Do the work to heal yourself, and understand that by doing
        that you won’t need an affair, to cover the pain your are in,
        or the need to defend those actions.
        My very best to you in your healing.

    • Kristy

      Okay, so I am STILL torn on this one, even after, what, 9 mos of finding out that my husband cheated on me with a married woman… I KNOW that the OW’s husband doesn’t know… I think he deserves to know though at this point I don’t need that drama… and like my husband never thought of me in a positive light while he was with the OW, I seriously doubt he EVER considered the husband or her children because THAT would make him have to actually think about what HE was doing, and he couldn’t actually face reality when he was with IT (is how we refer to the OW now). Of course my husband owes IT’s husband an apology, and IT owes me WAY more than an apology for knowingly destroying my life. It’s husband doesn’t know, so is therefore not destroyed, so an apology isn’t worth it. It would never apologize to me because then it would have to really face what a horrible person it turned out to be. This was my husband’s first, and hopefully ONLY, affair, but it wasn’t for It, so we know that It IS a cheater, and this wasn’t a mistake. There will be no apology forthcoming from it, nor would I believe anything it had to say anyway. The one thing that really gets me about a lot of these posts is that we focus so much on our spouse and say we just need to forget the other ‘person’ involved. Absolutely my husband is fully responsible for his part in the affair, but it DOES take 2. If we keep excusing the behavior after the first chance, then we are excusing the people and not just the action. If you cheat more than once, you are a CHEATER and a LIAR. This is who you ARE, not what you DID. I am praying that my husband isn’t what he did and that this is a learning experience that he and I can get through and grow from. He cheats again and he IS a CHEATER and a LIAR, not someone who got mixed up in a mistake. LIES are not love… friends do NOT destroy each other’s lives, and that is what affairs do. My husband used to tell me 16 years ago when we first got together that men and women can’t be friends because the men always want to sleep with the women… I wish that he would’ve listened to himself… There will be NO apologies, or even contact, with the OW or it’s husband… NONE. That door is shut forever, and should stay that way.

      • Lynne

        Kristy-

        Yikes, I think our H’s went to the same school of nonsense! For FIVE YEARS he was “friends” with the OW, but once he got caught in the lies about her, he immediately went to the ol’ “men and women can’t be friends because of the sexual attention/attraction”. This seems a pretty dumb ass statement to make on the heels of an EA discovery. Like this was supposed to make me feel better, NOT!!!!

        • Kristy

          Lynne,

          Part of our “boundaries” rules now is that there are NO women friends. Period. NO discussion about my children or our relationship or any feelings with any female at work, and certainly NO being in an office more than necessary with ANY woman alone. No hanging out with a female during the work day. Work is for work. No, I will never trust him around women again. I used to feel so guilty that he worked so hard during the day, and went to school at night that I understood him needing to go out with the guys after work for a few drinks. I did NOT know that there would be women there from work, and I was never invited because the kids were little and I would’ve had to get a sitter, which was hard becaues we have always lived away from our families. MY guilt over trying to not be a nagging wife gave him his opportunity, and IT gave him the ego stroking he needed since he and I barely saw each other. I didn’t call and “bug” him at work because I knew he was busy… well obviously not busy enough because work is where it all started. I am still working on dealing with my own guilt over being so trusting and what I thought was being a good wife. Even now I feel guilty calling him at work (it doesn’t work there anymore), but I am working on that for myself. I didn’t want to be the nagging wife… Now I am the paranoid freak that I NEVER wanted to be. I don’t WANT to need to check his phone and computer (not like he can’t delete whatever he wanted before I could see it anyway – and the phone we don’t even get bills for since it is a corporate phone). I don’t want to be that person that he has turned me into. He is fine with me checking everything now, but I am not. I don’t want to feel crazy, and like I said, it offers little relief anyway. There is no more going for drinks after work unless I am there (unfortunately NOW the kids are old enough that a sitter isn’t an issue), no more golf league (even though I don’t think there was any problem with this as it was an all men league), and no more anything that doesn’t involve me. Those were my conditions on staying and trying to work on this. He HAS to answer his phone whenever I call, even if he can’t talk he has to let me hear what is going on in the room… I won’t be played for a fool again. He swears he will NOT be the cliche – once a cheater always a cheater. I pray not, but now I don’t have any misconceptions that he would never do this to me – because he did. How he could actually do it, I will never understand. He knows that I don’t NEED to be with him now, and I made sure of that in no uncertain terms. I WANT my husband, even after the kids are gone. I have worked my butt off for this family and this relationship, and some OW isn’t gonna swoop in and think she can have what IS MINE. And if he has to follow some restrictive rules, then that is the choice HE made. Nobody asked ME if I wanted the OW in MY life, or if I wanted this hell… They took it upon themselves to make that decision without me, as uniformed of a decision as it was. Unfortunately his affair was more than emotional, which has created it’s own set of challenges, too (I soooooo wanted to send it the bill for all of my STD tests!! – luckily for HIM and IT they came back negative otherwise the stakes would’ve totally changed the game). No women friends for him, only men. He doesn’t need another woman for anything anyway. I am enough, and if not, then we are done. I married for better or worse, and it can’t get any worse for me… If it were to happen again it would be over. I DESERVE better than that, and I won’t settle, not anymore. I don’t NEED him…

    • Al

      Well, in my beliefs before you ask God for forgiveness, He says to first try and fix the problem you caused. Then ask forgiveness of God. So when my wife cheated I gave the other man a chance to right his part of the wrong. All I got was lies and BS. So be it. I gave him a chance. He didn’t wish to right his wrong with me so it’s in God’s hands now. That’s all I can say. I gave him the opertunity to at least apologize but no. So I don’t worry about it. His punishment will come from God and that’s worse than anything I could do to him.

      • Loyalty

        Al, you are so right on this. I agree with your statement whole heartedly.

    • Loyalty

      After reading through the comments, I realize I am in the minority here – I believe the cheater should apologize to the Affair Partners Spouse, especially if the AP’s Spouse knows about the affair. If they don’t know about the affair, well that is another can of worms.

      I learned about my husband’s Emotional and Physical Affair in February of this year, after 9-10 months of speculation. And when I found out about it from the Other Woman’s Husband, the pain that I felt completely altered my life and marriage forever. I wish I would have heard about the affair from my husband, but he was too busy trying to cover up what he had done, thinking I would never find out.

      When I spoke to the other woman’s husband, he was in pain as well. Both myself and the Other Woman’s Spouse were the innocent parties in this tangled web, and both with children from our marriages (he has a young son, and I have a young daughter). Both of us felt disrespected, hurt and blindsided by this betrayal. My husband and I are still trying to work it out – attempting to go to counseling on our own since I get angry during couples counseling. Keep in mind I am riding an emotional roller coaster right now – I want it to work so bad and be a success story, but the mere thought about the lies and deceit have not sat well with me.

      During my counseling session with my therapist, and during conversations with my friends, I realized I would appreciate my husband apologizing to the Other Woman’s Spouse. He and I had a conversation through social media messaging, and he said he would love to get that apology from my husband, if it was genuine. But he said he doubt it would be. This all happened after he made the decision to end his marriage, and had already filed for divorce and served her the papers. Honestly, this would normally make me happy because the Other Woman is having to deal with the consequences of her actions (aka Karma), but it saddens me because it ended a marriage. And the AP’s son will now be a product of a broken home.

      The analogy I came up with as how this affair effects us all is this – my husband and this woman decided to drive drunk. While driving drunk, they decided to be risky and run yellow lights. They continued to be reckless and did it a few times, pushing their limits until they eventually decided mutually to run through a red light. They wanted to be reckless and live a little. And although it supposedly only happened once, but that was all it took for there to be damage. The result of running the red light caused not one, but two collisions. They collided into the AP’s husband and son, and they collided into me and my daughter. Both crashes were life altering. The car carrying the AP’s husband and son ended in a casualty, and my daughter and I are in a coma with major damages, which could result in death.

      In my opinion, apologizing to me isn’t merely enough. This crash altered all of our lives. Is my husband truly sorry for his actions that have effected us all (although I have my doubts – I don’t know if he can be since his and the other woman’s actions were calculated, well thought out and successfully executed to deceive), or is he sorry he got caught? And if he truly is remorseful for ever making the dumb decision to get involved with this other woman, is he sorry for how all this has turned out? Is he sorry that a marriage died, a little boy is now part of a broken home, and his marriage is now strained and on the verge of ending all because of this Emotional and Physical Affair he thought he would carry out? Their decision ruined so much. Nothing will ever be the same again.

      If he apologized to the AP’s Husband, that would show me true remorse. It would show him having morals, and an attempt to want to make it right. So maybe I want him to apologize because it would help me believe in him. Him apologizing would make me want to give him a second chance. But like stated above in other comments, I wouldn’t want him to give reasons on why he did it (which essentially is like justifying it), but to truly show a genuine remorse and apologize for making such a stupid mistake, and ruining so much and how it wasn’t worth it. And if he apologized to their son as well in the letter, that would be icing on the cake. That is what I personally need.

      When it comes to an apology from the Other Woman, I have confronted her at her work and asked her directly if she was remorseful and she refused to answer my questions. I also wrote her a letter before that poured my hurt onto paper, hoping that would spark some sort of response, hoping she would have a heart and be apologetic for hurting me. I received no response. If she truly apologized for ever causing me pain and meant it, that would mean a lot to me. I feel like I need that to make it all okay, although I know it wouldn’t. But I gave her a few times to do the right thing, and she failed each time. So I don’t expect it now. I have accepted that she isn’t sorry, and if she is, she is only sorry she got caught.

    • Alan

      I had a fling with an other lady when I was about 19 and single. It was a one time event but the husband found out. I didn’t have a car so I walked to his work. I sat in his office and apologized for what I did. He was a police officer and the whole time I was apologizing I wished he would pull his gun and shoot me. At the end he thanked me for coming over and apologizing to him like a man. It was humiliating to do. I was scared to. But The Bible says before you ask god for forgiveness, make peace with your brother first. So I did. I was an immature scumbag. He didn’t deserve what happened to him. I will always remember that day. And I ask for gods forgiveness 30 years later. You have nothing inside you if you can’t at least say your sorry to the people you hurt. Even if they don’t accept your apology at least god knows you tried. I feel sorry even all these years later.

    • the hurt spouse

      It has been a month since my D-day. It was not my husband’s first transgression, but one this one hit close to home. She was a friend, albeit not a close one, she was also a co-worker of my husband. She was/is a lovely lady, our families got close and our kids played together. I was so happy that my husband had such a great co-worker that he could work with.
      In my anger when I found out, struggling for days I sent an email to her husband informing him of the affair my husband and her had.
      He was distraught to say the least, I apologized profusely for breaking up his “perfect” life. I never knew such panic and anxiety when he reached out to me. I asked him if he would want an apology from my husband, but he said his life would be better if he never saw him ever again. Which I understand. She has quit her job and has left, but not without giving me an apology saying, “it was just two friends that crossed the line.” She wrote us a group email apologizing to all of us, saying that she wanted to repair what had happened and wants everything to go back to normal.
      We trying to repair our marriage and I forgive both of them. I am still hurt and I get upset whenever something reminds of it. I know it’s still early, but I have been wondering its been weighing on me heavily that in order for me to move on from this, I want to forgive her. In my heart I do, I don’t need to hear any other explanations of anything, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea to write back to her and let her know that I forgive her for what transpired.
      Would that make any difference in anyone’s life or am I being selfish for reaching out?

    • Shifting Impressions

      The hurt spouse
      You might want examine your own feelings. It has only been a month but yet you say that you have forgiven them both. In my own situation and in many other’s here, forgiveness has been a much longer process. There are even a few posts somewhere on the blog about forgiving to soon.

      I don’t mean any disrespect to your feelings but just ask you if you have actually allowed yourself to get in touch with the grief, the anger and the sorrow etc that betrayal brings. Also your betrayal was two fold….you were betrayed (and not for the first time) by your husband and by a friend.

      It was good of her to apologize but the line “It was JUST two friends that crossed the line” totally minimizes the magnitude of their actions. And it is classic for cheaters to want EVERYTHING TO GO BACK TO NORMAL….we know that is not possible as something has been irrevocably changed.

      Nothing cuts deeper than the knife of betrayal. I hope you will consider getting some help dealing with this. You will only end up hurting yourself if you minimize what has happened and stuff your feelings. I think the forgiveness can only come after you allow yourself to really feel the pain of what has transpired.

    • sombre

      I was in a dilemma when I was searching online to seek help on how to go about the whole thing and came across this blog.
      I had a regretful EA about a year ago with a friend whose H is a publisher in a major Media firm. He got to know about it few days ago and called to demand apologies.
      Really, I am remorsefully sorry about it (and I still am), and I want to apologise; but I don’t know how to go about it. I don’t know if it’s appropriate to send him a text (seems he wants me to see him physically) I’m afraid of what he might do in revenge.
      I’ve stopped contacting her, though. Do I need to tell & apologize to my wife too as she is still unaware.

    • Letgo

      I was the OW in a relationship for 2 years that I didn’t ask for. When I met him he told me that he was going through a divorce and that she’d asked for it. He told me that she was moving out. I didn’t find out until later after I started having feelings for this man that he was not telling the truth. He kept telling me to believe and trust him. It seemed as if he was telling the truth because he spent so much time with me. We would go out to eat, go to different sports bars, be out in the open in so many areas. Not let alone me riding in the vehicle with him. I told him if he was working things out with her then leave me alone so that I could move on. I never tried to be the OW because I didn’t want that type of relationship. He is a narcissist and a manipulative person. I finally told him to leave me be because I don’t want to hurt anyone. He still says that he is trying to get a divorce. I had it in my mind to let her know what he was doing by giving her pictures and all but I never sent them.

      • Closure

        I am in exact same situation. Affair partner for 3 years says he needs to leave wife but has no courage. I am fed up and I told him. I need to not have anythjgg by to do with him. I have written a letter to his wife. Have his text about him leaving. Pictures and much more. So want to send but then I don’t. It’s not her fault. How do you get peace knowing you have been lied to about him leaving. Feeling used. Telling you that he needs to be brave but never will. So he says sorry. I can’t. Then the cycle starts again. He promises. Wife knows nothing I get treated with disrespect. When does affair partner ever take the consequences. His wife text and calls me. So she knows but he says it’s all me calling. That is what she thinks. Can she really thing that for the last 3 years just I call him randomly. And she finds out right away and texts or calls me. Advice. Do I blow his cover out of the water. Get peace. Have him hate me. Close door.

        • Loyalty

          Closure – this is merely my opinion (I may be wrong) but it sounds like you want to hurt him for hurting you and lying to you for the last three years, and by getting to him through his wife is the way to go about it. It’s not. Remember they were already married and you made the decision to be his dirty little secret. You want peace? Let him go and find someone else who is single and available to be everything you need. He is obviously emotionally unavailable. If he is leaving his wife, he will. If he is feeding you lies, he will stay. But why wait for him to make that decision? You can’t control him, you can only control your actions. Love yourself enough to respect yourself and walk away. Don’t let him continue to hurt you. Hope this helps.

          • Heather

            I stated that it’s not the wife fault. Why would someone play you for three years on and off knowing my marriage by choice I broke up because of this. I do walk away and HE always comes back saying he needs to be brave. It’s so messed up. I look like the home wrecker in his wife’s eyes and he is playing us both. Yes I am not married to him. But it is like he is married to both of us. He doesn’t want to let either go for different reason. His wife and the kids. Older may I tell you. Me…separated. Long history with him. There is no right answer. But yes I do agree I need to and I am trying to go no contact just bit to fall back into the cycle. Just so hard. I believed him so much. Thank you

            • Loyalty

              Men that have affairs are selfish, that is why they cheat. Or they are a narcissist. Or they are having a midlife crisis. Or they are experiencing boredom at home. Whatever the reason, it’s self serving. He doesn’t respect you or his wife. He is married and has issues. Would you really want that problem? Let him be her problem.

              Anyone can accomplish anything if they put their mind to it. You really want peace, that’s when you block him on the phone, social media and email. Change your number. You can cut ties if you want to. Refuse to answer. Demand respect and quit getting stuck in the cycle. You just have to believe you deserve better. Focus on his issues instead of remembering the good times.

              Remember affairs are fun because you don’t have the real life issues to deal with, it’s all secrecy and fantasy. But 3 years is too long. He’s not leaving her. Let him stay and be miserable. You will be better off once you are free of the toxic poison he has brought to your life. You will look back on this time sometime in the future and wonder why you even put up with that. I promise you.

    • Tatayna

      In my opinion as the betrayed spouse. I feel in my situation to see my wife post an apology to the affair partner’s spouse would speak that they are sorry for their actions. That they are aware of what damages they may or may not have caused the other marital party.
      It would make me proud to see that level of humility within my spouse. It would make me feel safer to express my hurt and pain and feel that they cared about what devastation they have the power to create.
      However, with that. I agree, this apology should be given at the right time. 6 months, a year maybe even a few years down the road. Not immediately after D-Day.
      In my situation, the affair partners spouse is aware of the affair that took place. My spouse, sadly hasn’t came to a complete apology to me. Nor her affair partner. So…… I’ve basically been the only one to apologize to anyone. I apologized to the affair partners wife, and my apology was a statement of empathy for the pain caused by such an act of betrayal. That’s who I am. I’ve got a big heart…. and I do not regret it. The affair partners spouse did not return any sympathies. I’m perfectly alright with that. In my heart. I know I did what was best for me.
      I would LOVE a sincere apology from the affair partner. However, affair partners don’t usually do those types of things. Face it. When you’re the betrayed spouse during the affair and after. Your feelings don’t matter to the affair partner. Their only concerns are with them, their home, and their marital health. Not the mess that they had a hand in creating to your marital dismay. For my wife, I’m sure she feels partly the same. Maybe not, she has thought about writing the affair partners spouse to send an apology.
      I think timing is the key. I think that…. should a cheater do this…. they choose their words carefully, make sure they are in the right headspace, that their intentions are of true remorse.
      For any cheater that has swollen the truth pill and has given a betrayed spouse an apology. I thank you, and I think you’re very strong. I think doing something like this speaks volumes about your character and your integrity to stand up and take responsibility and accountability for your actions.

    • Loyalty

      I was the spouse that was cheated on and it did a number on me. I was gutted when I found out. It forever changed me.

      I believe if both your spouse and their affair partner did this, both should take responsibility and own their mistakes. It’s been 4 years and I would have liked to hear my husband’s affair partner apologize to me and acknowledge her actions. I would have also wanted to know why. I blame both equally because it takes two to tangle, But I never got the apology from her and I have learned that her not being able to take responsibility made her a weak individual. She was woman enough to screw around but not woman enough to take responsibility and take the confrontation head on. And trust me, I went to her work and asked her if she regretted it and if she was sorry. She said “no comment” and retreated to the back office, leaving me standing there. This made me believe that she didn’t regret it. Or she was too much of a child to deal with the consequences of her actions.

      If you ask for forgiveness, make sure you are doing it because you are truly sorry, you recognize your actions were wrong and you will never do it again. And be prepared to answer why you did it. In fact, be prepared to answer any questions this person may have. But if they don’t want to talk, then know that you tried and move on. Don’t apologize if you are hoping to break them up. Many AP do this as a way to get back at the person they were cheating with because they ended the affair.

      I was looking for closure that I never got from the affair partner. While my husband has been completely connected to me since this whole ordeal, it’s taken a number on the trust I once had for him. I think the worst now, which stinks. But after time, and many apologies from him and his changes actions, I don’t really need her apology any longer. This portion of my life hurt me in a way that I dealt with all the feelings and I have moved on. I didn’t forgive her because she didn’t apologize. I choose to not give her anymore thought.

      • Blueberry

        Hello Loyalty. I am the OW. My story is in the thread above. I want to apologize to the wife. She has never done anything to me. I don’t see her as the competition nor enemy-I’m the siren that stepped into her life. I’m the interloper. I took what was not mine.
        My marriage was over. My husband is a hard man. I really don’t feel much regret for him. I am remorseful because I lost my values; because I was the thief. My partner in crime has severed all contact-so have I.
        I want to apologize to the wife-not contact him. She deserves to hear my acknowledgment of wrong doing.

        It has been exactly 1 month tomorrow since her world came crashing down. I’m afraid it is too soon or maybe to late to reach out to her. I need help. Please give me your advice.

        Here is my draft:
        In a world where I could have been anything, I should have been kind. I tragically failed. To you ……., more than anyone else, I was the most unkind. It was undeserved; it was unwarranted. My actions were self-serving, harmful, and hurtful. I am acknowledging my part-not expecting forgiveness-but expressing my sorrow. Everyday, I feel it. In life, we often get what we don’t deserve, and we deserve that which we never get. You did not deserve it. And, above everyone else involved, you most deserve an apology. I am very sorry.

      • Heather

        That is what I struggle with. I feel I owe a sincer apology. Only when I know I commit to staying 100 percent away. That means me not reaching out and not answering any of his communications. It’s so hard when we are in quarentine. He is at home with her. Texting me and calling me that he loves me but never can leave. No explanations. I know I am the weak link. Trying so hard to be strong. Thank you

        • Loyalty

          Heather – If there is ever a time for a clean break, now is it. With quarantine it should be easy to stay away from him. Just block his number, and block other ways he communicates with you and you’re golden. Wait on your sincere letter of apology to his spouse once you know you are done with the affair for good. Staying away from him will be a cleansing, allowing you to see through the affair fog. It’s a blessed time right now. Use it to come up. Good Luck.

          • heather

            @loyalty
            thank you for your encouragment. that is my plan. it is very hard not to pick up the phone or text. i signed out of all my social media where he could send me messages. once i am stronger and get my head together i will send the apology. As the wife supposedly knows about it should not be a shock. i do believe that she does not know the extent of what our relationship was. i believe he tells her its just me calling to see how he is doing. i think the text and calls i get are from him and wanting me to believe he has told her. no way if he told her he would still be contactin me and she would not be blowing up my phone. very disturbing on more lies to cover lies. what was i thinking giving up my marriage and family for this guy who just played games. never did he care that my marriage ended and he just sat there leading me on to he was gonna make the change when timing is right. thanks for all the help. just writing this out and reading it makes me sick to my stomach. i definately was in affair fog. i was manipulated and it does make me so mad. just praying for the guidance and answers and path to make myself whole again.

        • Blueberry

          Did you ever apologize? If so, how was it received?
          How is your heart/emotional attachment to your AP? Time and distance does wonders for perspective. It has allowed me to identify the point where things went wrong. My AP was more a friend than anything else. And, I’m not gonna lie, I miss the mundane conversations and listening to his whole-hearted laughter at my latest shenanigans . I hate that it ever went beyond that. A true friend is worth more that a thousand lovers. I regret it daily. My apology was read but not responded to.

    • Loyalty

      That’s a very kind letter Blueberry. I know I would have loved to receive that when I was hurt and needing mending. It would have given me closure. It won’t make the situation any worse than what it already is. I was looking for the apology two to three months after D day, maybe give it another couple weeks then send it. Please keep us in the loop and let us know what happened.

    • Blueberry

      Do the spouses that are not in the affair think about why their partners choose that particular individual? I feel that my husband is still comparing himself to my AP. Looks, life status, just trying to reason out why I chose this particular person. “What do they have/can offer, that I couldn’t?”

      Even with counseling, and understanding that it was borne from years of harsh abuse and neglect, he still seems to be dwelling on the “why him”. Living in abuse has been hard. My husband is trying to change. And he seems to have made leaps and bounds.
      I’ve tried explaining it to him-this guy was a boy I once loved when I was young. That he wasn’t a stranger, that we reconnected. What he offered was not tangible. He offered to listen, to hold my hand, kindness, to be the friend that my husband was not. It wasn’t his looks, his social status, his feats.

    • HEATHER A.

      looking for some advice……affair partners spouse keeps texting and calling me from multiple numbers looking for information about our affair. i do not respond but it is getting to the point it is harrassing and causing me emotional distress. I have been ignoring the messages as I feel it is not my story to tell. Therefore, she is calling me a liar, you have no proof. Affair partner refuses to own his responsibility. i feel it is not for me to do. but it has gone to far. do i answer her questions. get it out and hope for the best. i have mentioned to affair partner that she is blowing up my phone. he cialmed not to know. he also said he has asked her and she said no. so mystery….who is blowing up my phone looking for answers

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