microphoneWell, it’s that time again…Our monthly feature where our Wednesday discussion is completely open to whatever you want to discuss.

So…

  • What’s on your mind?
  • Have any successes to share?
  • The holidays are fast approaching.  Any concerns there?
  • Any changes to your situation?
  • Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
  • Any good books you’d like to discuss?
  • What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
  • What’s working or not working?
  • Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
  • Any suggestions for future topics?

Please don’t be shy.  If there is anything whatsoever on your mind, please leave a comment below.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

    42 replies to "Discussion – Open ‘Mic’ Wednesday"

    • battleborn

      I am going to be really mean and nasty in my comment so please wait until you read the whole post before you hammer me.

      What is wrong with me? I am 2 1/2 years out and sometimes I still feel like I am just finding out. My H just had spine surgery on the 23d. Her bday is the 22d, mine the 28th. This time of year is a really bad one already – her butting into my brain each year and then him going through surgery. While I was sitting in the hospital on the 23d I don’t believe I was thinking about her at all but when he got home and could not do anything for himself (literally) I began to think evil thoughts. I was physically and mentally exhausted taking care of everything little thing… and I am a military wife who should be used to that. But being his arms and legs (and sometimes brain) wiped me out. I began wondering if shit-for-brains would take care of him better than me. She doesn’t have any kids or responsibilities except herself and work. She would be able to spend all her time with him, I can see it now, her spoon feeding him, or wiping his ass, etc. Sorry, bad word picture there.

      I realize that I shouldn’t think that way, but damn it, I was doing all the work… I should feel ashamed of letting myself think that way but I don’t. Once again, it’s all about him. Am I a horrible person? Oh and by the way, yes he is doing fine just oblivious to how I am feeling because after all, it’s been 2 1/2 years “we have overcome his past indiscretions.” puke, puke

      • chiffchaff

        I think it’s entirely normal to have those thoughts during such a stressful time. It’s easier to hate the OW and their life when it’s tough in your own, than blame your CS.
        Don’t beat yourself up. Is there anyone who can take the pressure off you for a while so you can get some respite?

      • Strengthrequired

        BB, my h and I spoke a while ago about something along the lines of this. Our conversation was, do you honestly believe if you became seriously ill where you could not look after yourself, think that the ow, in my case cousin b”it”ch, would have stayed with you? His response ” no”.
        Why do you think that is BB? These ow are looking for someone that will take care of them, they are looking for the financial support and lifestyle they believed they would get by being their wife. The life they believed we had not deserved, and was rightfully theirs. They wanted our life, yet not they were not by any means expecting to stand by our husbands when hard times hit. Let me say this, she would have ran.
        You are the best person, a good person, you are not spineless. You love your h completely, the ow only loved the idea of taking what doesn’t belong to her, it was a game to her, your h was the prize her new toy that would one day wear out his use, then she would need a new toy to play with.
        One thing I said o my h was ” why would you risk the later stage of your life for the ow, when you have no guarantee that she would look after you in your old age, illness happens. Why would you risk what you have already, a family, wife and kids that are here for the long haul, have committed to you already for the best part of your life, for the ow who is looking at what you can give her now, not looking at what you can’t?
        So please don’t think she was better for your h, she would have ran.

    • Gizfield

      I think your feelings are completely normal, Battleborn. I took care if my husband after he had coronary bypass surgery. While working a full time job and taking care of a two year old. I was repaid by him dating a whore, who called me A “fat LAZY hoarder”. She doesn’t take care of her own kid , just wants to talk about herself, and eat sushi, lol, so I doubt she would hsve taken care of him.

    • Broken2

      Completely normal thoughts,,,,sometimes those thoughts creep up in everyday life for me. Like when he sits on his ass while I’m busy and he wants a bowl of ice cream or something. I will snap and say I don’t think your doing anything when it would have been nice to just get it. Those feelings come out of nowhere.

    • Gizfield

      I honest to God think I have treated my husband better than anyone ever had, and he didn’t know how to handle it. his family is the most self centered bunch I’ve ever seen. It’s like to them if you dont act like a “dick” you dont have value. VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL!!! Kindness equates weakness, or some horseshit. His girlfriend is a self centered bitch, so therefore she has more “value.”

    • Sadsomuch

      Battleborn you still took care of him, you just had some bad thoughts. I can’t remember a day since this whole nightmare started that I haven’t had some sort of negative thought either about myself, my husband, our marriage, etc. I think it must just come with the territory. Please be good to yourself, both mentally and physically.

    • Battleborn

      Thanks all. This is why we come here for the support as you have given me. I realize you are right, but it really hits home how much anger and pain is still in my heart after all this time. All I can say is Thank God I don’t feel like this all the time. I think as soon as he is able to do more moving around without my help I will take time to do some by myself… On his credit card of course!

      • Tryinghard

        Battleborn
        First of all I want to thank you for being a military wife on this Veterans Day. So many thanks go to the vets on this day and not enough to the wives and husbands at home holding everything together. I swear I think military wives get battle fatigue as much as the soldiers do. If not for supportive/understanding spouses like you our military would no way be as strong as it is today. So a great big thank you to you for ALL your sacrifices that keep me safe.
        Second—go girl with that freaking credit card!!!! You deserve it. Hugs to you

    • Rachel

      Battleborn, bad time of year too for me. I’ll be glad when November is over and then well December. Another tough month. Lost it in Christmas tree shop last night. The whole holiday thing.
      Perhaps this could all be about the stress of right now.
      My mom had surgery 3 weeks ago and it was badly botched.
      Friday she had 5 hours of reconstructed surgery. She’s 82.
      So the tears are close. And the question of why, why, why.
      Being rejected sits heavy on my heart still!
      Battleborn, you know their whores could never do the kick ass job that you are doing. We are so much better.
      And your credit card comment, priceless! And sooo smart!
      You go girl!

      • Tryinghard

        Rachel
        Do so etching really different for the holidays. During the first year I could not face holidays as usual. Went out of town for thanksgiving. Gave away the huge Xmas tree we bought together while he was carrying on the affair. Whatever you usually, do the opposite and make it new and fun for you. Put away all the old traditions that are linked to the asshole and make new Rachel centered traditions. Holidays are difficult no matter what. I have to have the in laws over, gggrrr, wonder what she will decide I’ve stolen this year???

    • battleborn

      I don’t know about why but it seems there is always a time when it hits us the hardest. To be perfectly honest my worst time is the end of October. I find it odd because I didn’t find out until January so you would think that is the “bad” month or March when both my father and father-in-law passed away two weeks apart (granted two years apart, but still in March). Subconciously, perhaps, we choose the time we are sad or angry not necessarily when we have our actual DD. This is not to say I diminish that day.

      Mine is because I know she is 18 years younger than me and her b’day is only 6 days before mine. Ugh! What makes it much worse is that she was born the same year I graduated from HS. For some reason that makes things worse for me.

      Anyway, I am hoping that the majority of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and for those who do not, I wish you peace and love. You are all wonderful ladies (men) who should cherish the thought that you are strong and nothing will shut you down although your BS has tried.

    • battleborn

      That comment came out wrong… I hope ALL OF YOU have a wonderful Thanksgiving. And for the majority who do great. For those who don’t. I wish peace and love.

      Sorry if I misspoke and hurt anyone’s feeling, I didn’t mean to.

    • Gizfield

      Ok, I have something I want to address. I’ve noticed, in myself as well, it’s like once you have infidelity enter your marriage, not onlyis your spouse pretty much absolved of responsibility for that, all of a sudden hemr. Wonderful in all ways It’s like you lose your right to see him as a normal, flawed individual and just have to see him/her in some sort of excessively positive light ALL THE TIME! I’m about done with it, lol. For example, my husband is going to buy his mother a mail box today, and put it up for her. A few months

    • Gizfield

      A few months ago he spent two days sealing her driveway. This is the same guy who I asked to put up a curtain rod in February. It’s not done yet. He has always been a “half ass” that takes the easy way out on everything. I think I’m pissed cause during the last flood he broke the set of my pottery barn christmas glasses cause he just yanked up a wet box. The bottom fell out, naturally and they all broke. I dont think I can replace them so that made me mad. What really made me maddest is that he acted like it was an burden to help me at all, and was not remorseful at all for breaking them.

    • Gizfield

      Anyway, my point is that I’ve gotten to the point where I have given this guy an “elevated”status in my mind, due to his cheating. I think I’m going to spend a little time remembering how he REALLY used to be. I just dont think this thought process can be healthy. It’s like he’s a spoiled child being rewarded for bad behavior.

    • Sadsomuch

      Giz, I kind of feel the same way. Don’t ask them to do something or get on them when they don’t do what you ask. Keep calm, smile all the time. Make them feel special. YUCK!! I am so over it. I told my counselor today, I am just hanging in till June 2014. My twins will have graduated from high school by then and going to college so I think I can just let this thing called marriage die its natural death. I am just too damn tired of constantly trying to figure out what he is thinking or feeling and he doesn’t want to figure it out. I was walking in the park the other evening and the leaves were beautiful and full of color, the starlings were swooping across the darkening sky and all I could think about was how I wished that I had someone in my life that appreciated those simple things with me. Sigh…

    • Gizfield

      Exactly, sadsomuch. Before his adultery was revealed, my husband was acting like such a creepy little turd, I should have been the one having an “affair”. I remember one day I had gone to lunch with some friends after we attended another friend’s husband’s funeral. One friend asked how my H was doing with being a father. I told her he got her ready for daycare, and that he paid for it every other week. She said, “oooh, I dont LIIIIKE him.” And you know, she was right. I didn’t like him either. He was basically getting rid of his responsibility to his family by 9 a.m. so he could spend the rest of his day doing whatever the hell he wanted ( i.e., dating a whore) while bragging what a great Family Man he was. eeeew…if that is not a creep, I dont know what is.

    • Sadsomuch

      My H thinks everything is peachy as long as I don’t melt down, mention the affair, mention how I felt during or now, or ask him how feels or ask for any kind of affection or ask him if he loves me or ask him if he still has feelings for her. So basically as long as I am not disturbing him, life is good. Maybe I should have just let the OW have him and by now she would probably be as sick of him as I am.

      • Doug

        SSM, back on 10/15 you said that your husband had told you he was going to make a stronger effort towards your relationship, etc. I guess he is not doing that, huh? I haven’t re-read all of your comments, so forgive me if you’ve mentioned this in the past, but have you flat out told him what you want and/or need and that he needs to get his ass in gear? Let him know that you’re not going to put up with this anymore. You deserve to be respected, happy, loved and cherished!

        • Sadsomuch

          Ok Doug, do you guys have radar or what? Last night h seemed to be different and this morning he was telling me he loved me and to have a good day. What do they do, wait till you just don’t care and suddenly decide “hey she isn’t so bad after all.”

    • Gizfield

      Yes, your average Cheater usually cannot stand any thought or reminder that they are anything less than a stellar, shooting STAR…

    • Sadsomuch

      I don’t think he has a clue what more if an effort is. Once when I ask him to tell me he loved me he told me that he had told me that the week before. This is my life. I have to humiliate myself and ask for hugs. Any affection I have to ask for and last week when I ask for a little more…well let’s just say he wasn’t in the mood, and hasn’t been for more than 4 months. I just want to make till the twins graduate and then I can move on. Smile and pretend everything is perfect. And the Academy Award goes to..,

    • Amrita

      Hello, its been five months since I found out about the affair. My husband was very apologetic but not very transparent. He was not able to control his feelings for OP for about three months after the d-day. He always claimed that he wants to b with me and the kids. Now he has become more transparent but only after I have asked him. He always was defensive first for eg giving passwords to emails etc but gave me later saying it was not a natural choice but if it makes me feel better than he would share. He has done lot of things which I have asked him to do but it looks like I forced him and was not voluntary effort from his part. He has even resigned from the job n is serving notice period. My problem is that I still believe he might b still cheating as OP works in his team. I feel ok one day but next day I am all emotionally worked up. Offlate I feel like just quitting and leaving him and even told him so. Why do I feel rotten and keep thinking about the affair n OP when he has even resigned. Why cant I believe he is not cheating n making a fool of me anymore. Is it normal. I want to get rid of these constant negative thoughts. I am reading ‘love what is ‘ and going through Dr.Ghunsberg ‘how to survive an affair’.

    • Sadsomuch

      Amrita, I can tell you that I believe it is normal to still have negative thoughts. Read the very first post for this blog and you will see that even those with much more time under their belt still have negative thoughts. I think the trick is for us to some how just cycle through the negative and try to get to the positive. If you feel ok one day then when you are having a bad day just keep reminding yourself “its just today”, “tomorrow I won’t feel this way.” I have to do that a lot it seems. My h still works with the OW just not directly and I know there are days when I have these awful thoughts that they are actually still together and making fun of me for being such a fool. But then I take that thought and realize if they do such a thing eventually it will be found out and then I will know without a doubt that my h is not anyone I would want in my life. Sorry you have to be here, sorry any of us have to be here but this blog and all the people on it are the most caring and supportive people I have ever known. Chin up, stick with it, and you will come out of this being a better person.

    • Gizfield

      Yeay, Sad so much, about your husband coming around. My advice was going to be back off, and let him WONDER what you are thinking. It freaks them out, for sure. A lot of the time men prefer to be the pursuer for some reason, and value women they have to chart for some reason. Go figure.

      • Tryinghard

        Definitely what giz said. Don’t show all your cards. Keep the mystery. Whatever you do, do not let him think it’s off your mind. Let him know you are contemplating your choices. Which is true and what I hope you are doing. They ALL don’t want to talk about it. Normal but not effective. He needs to know you mean business and he better be doing everything in his power to prove himself to you. Good luck

    • Gizfield

      Ooops, typo. Women they have to chase, lol, not chart.

    • Sadsomuch

      Giz do you ever just think life would be better without them? I just don’t know if I want to stay married to someone who had such little regard for my feelings. He is a good person but he is no deep thinker. I am afraid a year down the road he is going to do the same thing again because he truly gives no thought to what he has done. He said he was sorry lets move on is his motto. We are supposed to go away for the weekend after thanksgiving and it truly makes me so anxious to think if spending the weekend without our kids as buffers and me no where to go to get away. What will we talk about? I am so uncomfortable around him now. I am trying desperately to build a wall around my heart so when the time comes I can let him go but I still love him. I just never for see a time when I will feel safe again.

      • Gizfield

        Sorry it took so long to get back to you, Sad So Much. I truthfully think, after a time, I would probably be equally happy either with or without my husband. It would take a while to get my routine going, but I’ve lived without him for all my life except the last 13 years, so obviously hes not a necessity of life. I would prefer to be with him, but I decided a couple of years ago if the BEST I could expect from him or my marriage was for him to sneak around my back with a whore, I did not want him. If he ever is that disrespectful ever again, he is out of my life. And I won’t look back either. I refuse to cry over a Whore Monger who wants to chase a nasty whore. They can have each other. I will just congratulate myself for trying as long as I did, doing the best for my daughter, and move along like he never existed. No regrets, it’s on him, not me.

    • Tryinghard

      Ok all I need your advice. We are out of town. My H was reading his iPad and looked pretty intense so I checked his his history and he was looking at topless pics of Kate Hudson and curiously an article about 10 Signs Your Husband is Cheating. As we were walking to breakfast I asked him what he was reading and he said MSN and stocks. Went into great detail about it. I about fell over. I didn’t see anything about stocks on the history. I don’t even care if he’s looking at pics of Kate Hudson or reading the article about cheating, however if he wants to read about cheating I have about 100 articles he should be reading. This has been bugging me all day. The effer just can’t be honest even about the dumbest things.

      • chiffchaff

        TH – that’s very passive aggressive behaviour. My H used to do exactly the same – lie about what he was actually doing because he was pissed that I had rumbled him doing something he shouldn’t. you have to tell him that he’s lying, they can be so certain that they’re justified in behaving like a shit when, if they’re called out on it, they realise is just unacceptable behaviour. They need to be honest with you and also with themselves.

    • Tryinghard

      Oh yeah, WTF?????

    • Tryinghard

      Giz
      No they are not elevated. We are walking on egg shells and it sucks! I’ll knock it off if you will:)

    • Sadsomuch

      Try why in the hell would he lie about that? I swear I will never ever understand men!!! Wonder what he would say if you just said look buddy I know you lied. I guess he would try to talk his way out of that too. Just tell the truth darn it!!!!

      • Tryinghard

        I know right???? No I’m not going to say anything yet. Keeping my mouth shut and watching.

    • Sadsomuch

      Trying hard and giz lets all try to stop. I just want to be comfortable in my own home again. I want to quit caring if he is unhappy because he sure brought a whole heap of unhappy down on my head. But somehow the thought of him being gone makes me sadder than anything. I am still afraid he is going to leave me and what I want more than anything is to never be afraid again. It’s like I am 10 years old again waiting to see if my daddy is coming home and what shape he will be in once he does come home. I hate myself when I am ruled by fear and right now that is the exact thing ruling me.

      • chiffchaff

        I think that Dr Huzienga (sorry about spelling) has some useful articles about fear of abandonment and how to deal with it. it’s very interesting that you mention your fear of your father’s return when you were a child as this is probably where the fear comes from. I also had a very strong fear of abandonment which came from my mother’s behaviour. If I didn’t act exactly as she expected she would ignore me, sometimes for days. when you’re around 7 – 10 years old that’s a very frightening experience. I felt exactly the same fear when my H was in his vascillating ‘fog’ time. reading articles of how to deal with the fear really helped me see that it wasn’t really a fear of him leaving just a very strong reminder of a frightening childhood experience.

    • Gizfield

      I just got home from church, it is 35° outside, furnace set on 70°, and the back door wide open. The wind was whizzing in, what the hell?? Yes, sometimes being single looks pretty good …

    • Sadsomuch

      Thanks Giz. I am just trying to hang loose and see what happens. We have been married 22 years and that’s nearly half my life so I am just not wanting to make a decision I regret. I am confident though my life will be just as full with it without him. You guys always help me feel better.

    • Gizfield

      Sad so much, I’m glad we could help. It does get better.

    • tdleea

      Looking for some feedback from others who may experience the same. Husband had affair about 2 years-at the end we were in divorce proceedings and had no contact between us.

      Affair started because he was dealing with his own personal issues and hated himself-needed a good feeling because everything else in his life was awful as he saw it. Found someone who was just as unhappy with herself. So, he talks with a pastor, moves away, realizes all of this-we reconcile.

      I could tell he was back and he was back better than before. This was a little over 3 1/2 years ago. He has worked hard. I spent at least the first year in depression and just sort of going through emotions and the whole thing-maybe it was longer. Eventually, I got to the point where things felt better. First it would be a few days then the tiniest thing could happen and I would retreat. I could tell this about myself and only attribute it to my trust that he wasn’t going to walk out of our lives again (we have 4 kids). We talked a lot about this. He did his best to reassure me. Then, it became a few weeks at a time. the closer I got to trusting in us the more I felt like I really needed his attention on me meaning that I really pushed for us to go and do things together, alone-hard to do with kids but when we got back together we said that we really needed to nuture that part of us.

      To me he seemed hesitant and I’m sure I was super sensitive to that. This past spring I came to the realization that I could go on like this and we would both be unhappy ( I could feel that his strength was running low, that he just wasn’t sure what to do anymore, that he was starting to not understand how this could still be affecting me-I asked him to please just stand next to me and hold my hand, every day I work to put things behind, I asked him to read some of the articles, he said he didn’t think he needed to, that it wouldn’t help. I felt like it could help him to understand some of the things I was feeling and that I wasn’t crazy or prolonging things and that I really did want to get past this. It made me nervous to feel him being more and more frustrated).

      So in spring I decided that I was going to put it all aside and be vulnerable, to trust in our marriage and our love, to live in the present and enjoy each day. I found that this was good but felt I was more ‘needy’ which is never how I’ve been and that troubled me. I would tell my husband what I needed of him and he came through. End of summer….I’m really starting to feel happy. I’m leaving the house with that good feeling inside thinking how nice it is to feel this. It was all worth it. About 3 weeks ago, my husband tells me he’s exhausted from this, he’s not feeling happy, he feels like we have discussions and thinks things are going to change and they never do they go back to where they were. He says he isn’t feeling the same way I am right now-he just feels blah and exhausted. I asked what that meant for our marriage and he says he is trying but he’s just not happy.

      Talk about a deflation on my part and a scare and pain in the pit of my stomach! I get the exhaustion part-I do! It’s exhausting for me. So now I sit here feeling so much like I want to just shut down. I did ask if he was talking to someone else and he said no. I believe him and that surprises me but I do. I feel like those demons have risen up in him from before and now everything sucks and our marriage is the target. I know if I shut down that won’t solve anything. And then I think that it’s time for me to be the strong one again and go along being happy as I had and show him that I’m not bsing him. I know if he were to leave I’m definitely strong enough to go through it’s a positive that I learned from the affair time. I just don’t want to be in limbo. If you’re done-be done so I can move on-this doesn’t help me with my patience.

      Anyway, if any of you who have reconciled have felt this from your spouse, please advise on how and what you’ve learned. Right now, I’ve got the happy face and attitude although I do allow myself to feel the pain and cry when I need to. He feels badly for how he’s making me feel but I think he’s just shut me out. He still calls, texts, kisses me hello/goodbye, tells me he loves me, has perfectly normal conversation, hugs me…….sigh!

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