Good Wednesday to all!
This week’s discussion topic was derived from an email that we received yesterday. Here it is:
Hi Linda and Doug, I’ve been reading your blog for about 3 months now and it’s been a tremendous help to talk to others in the comments and read some of my same feelings expressed here by Linda as well as see how Doug has changed and grown and has regret and sorrow about the infidelity. This is something you might want to use for conversation or a discussion. I really do want to know why I keep them! I’m a bit of an over-analyzer and I just can’t figure this one out. I don’t like to hurt so why keep it? Mind boggling!
When my husband moved out claiming he was unhappy, I would write him emails about my feelings, my despair, my hurt and pain. I never sent them though. I just saved them and put them in a folder. I’d read them from time to time and cry. I could feel the pain in my words, I could see the wounds in the words. Now I can read them (over a year later) and I don’t cry but it pains me still to read the battle I was in then. I was drowning and my husband didn’t save me. My sorrow is etched in each one of those emails so deep, it startles me to read them even now.
Why do I keep them? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself lately. I’ve even gone so far several times as to click each one to highlight them for deletion. I never hit the delete button. Something won’t let me give them up.
Why do I keep them? Why do I periodically read them when we’re so far from that time period and I’ve grown so much? What is it what keeps me from letting go of something that was from such a painful time that has enough triggers of its own? I’m not a victim and I’ve never been one to play the victim role. I don’t have a victim mentality. I’ve never once asked WHY ME? So why then, do I keep them?
So here are some questions to consider…
Do you have a journal or utilize some other means to track your thoughts and feelings after the affair?
If so, do you refer to them often, perhaps even months or years after the affair?
What affect does it have on you when you review them?
Why do you feel that you hold on to them? Why do you still go back and review them (phone logs, emails) are you afraid to let them go? Why?
Does reviewing them give you some sense of security?
As always, please respond to others who comment.
Take care!
Linda & Doug
28 replies to "Discussion: Letting Go After the Affair"
I do have a journal and in fact, referred back to my writings from several months ago just last night. It saddens me sometimes, but also reminds me of how I am growing personally and how I am getting stronger. I am getting stronger by accepting the past, that I cannot change it, but it’s ok to be reminded of those feelings from time to time. I don’t believe this is an unhealthy thing for me to do, as I do not want to take my life/marriage/H for granted again. I have learned that if you think your life is perfect and ideal – that is exactly when you need to start looking over your shoulder! Kind of off the subject, but can I recommend a book that I have not seen mentioned here before? Elizabeth Edwards’ – Resilience. It is not meant to be a joyous, easy read, it is very emotional – but the message that I took from reading this book was that the more we try to hold on to our life that once was, the more disappointed and depressed that we become and stay! Acceptance of our lives as they are and gaining the courage to rebuild your life can help bring some peace.
I’ve kept a journal as well, many of the entries are letters and emails I wrote (and did send) to my husband as well as his replies. I read it often, and cry. Some of the things shared are hard to stomach, but it does allow me to see how I’ve grown and the areas I still need to work on. I think that writing is helping me overcome the depression I’ve been in since D-day 4 months ago, but the reading makes it worse. I leave my journal out, and have made it clear that my husband is welcome to read it any time, and he has a few times…I think that I do this because I want him to understand the pain and hurt I am still dealing with on a daily basis, I can’t let him forget and move past his affair until I can do the same.
Slightly off topic – but in part in the same bucket as letting go . . .
Two weeks ago today, I found out about my wife’s infidelity . . . she’d been having an EA (with some physical elements – though not sexual intercourse) with our Realtor – she’d met him in the daytime alone to look at houses, invited to our home in the daytime (took time off work), exchanged erotic pictures, and texted/emailed hundreds of times . . . as many as 75 times a day. I found out of the affair when I looked at her text messages on her phone . . . I was floored when I saw what I saw – I’ve never heard her use that language. Since then I’ve turned into a cyber-slueth trying to find out information about the affair . . . not readily believing that they had not had intercourse. We’d been together 15 years, married for 12 – she was a virgin when we met. We have two small children – 6 & 3.
We are in counseling now – and struggling through a lot of the issues that I am reading on this website. It is comforting to read this material – to see that I am not going through this alone. Her reasons for the affair are that I did not give her enough attention, wasn’t home enough, and didn’t do my share of the housework – I know that some of these issues are valid and I am working my best to rectify. I question her love for me . . . she doesn’t freely give it. I’ve started to act disinterested in her (but still taking care of more things around the house) and she seems to be feeling my disinterest – which may be leading her to express love.
Back to the person who led my wife into this – it started with my realtor (I will no longer capitalize that word) asking my wife if she cleans in the nude and that he’d be willing to come over and assist. I can tell from the emails/texts that at times he was trying to call it off, but I can tell from others that he would be the first texter in an exchange . . . he floated back and forth between doing this. He is also a felon and on the Sex Offender list – and has a sordid criminal past from what I can tell.
I’ve talked with him several times since finding out – I gave him the courtesy of not calling him at home the night I found out (as he is married with children) . . . he consistently threw my wife under the bus in all of our discussions. His wife does not know.
My question – or request for advice is – do I notify his wife? Employer? Board of Realtors? I’m sure all three would be interested in his actions . . . and it burns me that he is just carrying on with his life as if nothing happened and my wife and I are left here picking up the pieces.
I’d hate for this to continue – his deceit to his wife, abuse of his clients, and the shame he brings to the realtor brand . . . I’d appreciate other’s thoughts . . . thanks, AK
Not reporting him gives you some leverage to keep him away from your DW. I would tell him that there must be no further contact with your wife; else you will turn him in. Is DW committed to no contact with the OM ?
AK, Thanks for sharing and so sorry about your situation. I understand where you’re coming from, but I would be very careful about any confrontational or revenge type of scenarios, especially when dealing with a felon. You never know what the consequences might hold. Just be sure to think it through very carefully before you act. Here’s a link to an interview that Linda did about confrontation that might be of interest to you: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/lindas-interview-about-confrontation-after-the-emotional-affair/
AK — My advice is to discreetly let his wife know. No one should be left in the dark in this situation. But, you have to follow your gut instincts. If anyone would be put in danger in your family or his by telling than think it through very carefully.
I have kept some form of journal since my early twenties, and reading the entries seems to help me at times. I have been convinced that having these entries to look back on in the past year has shown me much about my intuition during my H’s affair and has helped me express the pain and also the help I’ve received since D-day. Sometimes I think it appears to be a type of code, like “if I could only understand why this happened, then maybe I could keep it from happening again.” I realize that is simply impossible, although learning from all of it is important.
For me, it is also enlightening to see how very much a roller coaster ride we are on (hence the name!) and how things seem to go back and forth, up and down…it can make me nauseous just thinking about it. Oh, and for the record, I am not one to choose this kind of ride normally, but I have learned to hang on and keep my eyes open.
I have also always kept a journal. I never used to write every day, but since d-day, it has been a good release. And yes, it is amazing to go back and see how far I’ve come. It makes me cry and brings the pain back all over again. I don’t do it often.
The thing I am clinging to, however, is not my journal. It is the copy of the emails they exchanged that I found on his computer. I actually have several copies in different locations, some on computer and some hard copy. My therapist has told me I have to get rid of them at some point, but I haven’t been able to do it yet. Like others, I am not really sure what holds me back. It’s been 9.5 months since D-day and I haven’t looked at any of them for several weeks now – I used to pore over them, looking for details and explanations and forming a timeline of events – but now I just look at the name in my document file or at the binder among my things. I don’t want to read them anymore, but I can’t bring myself to throw them away or delete them.
I suppose the day will come when I am ready. But not today.
Ill go with what dr. Harley suggests from marriage builders and say expose. To wife, to boss. Everyone. And do it without warning. Get a restraining order to protect yourself amd your family kill the affair or it will kill your marriage.
I exposed my wifes affair 2 months ago to everybody at her work ( shes seeing a coworker) and while it didn’t have quite the immediate desired affect, it does affect their relationship.
Mind you my wife is moving out amd we are separating. So results will very, but it places the relationship under public scrutiny. While they may be continuing the affair perception of my wife at work has changed. Nobody ever liked the OM. But she’s lost the respect of her coworkers. And there are a few who have stepped up as a support system who are pro marriage to help her when shes ready to leave the affair.
Sadly it’s more complicated than what I can type here. But I believe the affair will die out soon because of a variety of factors. And maybe well have achance at reconcilliation.
As for the original topic. I keep a journal because it’s a valuable resource to not only learn from the past but to see growth. As well if we get back to trying to save our marriage, I can bring up things to talk about and heal from that I may otherwise forget with all that has gone on.
Elph, just curious, but what was your wife’s reaction when you exposed the affair? I like a lot of what Dr. Harley says. He’s a no bull$#!t type of therapist and his methods seem to work – especially if a cheater doesn’t end the affair.
I kept a journal about the affair, putting in information I learned second-hand and after the fact. Intermixed with the facts were my feelings, pain and anger. Some days I would just pour my heart, broken as it was, into the pages; others I would simply recite what the OW had done the day before in her attempt to reinsert herself into my husband’s life. The more I sleuthed, the more information I found out about her – she really has some problems. I never had a problem with my husband stopping the EA. Since D-day he has not contacted her and now, thanks to my information, understands what a selfish, troubled woman she was. The things I put in my journal were raw and hurt. It helped to obsess on those pages. I got out a lot of anger and frustration in my journals.
Now, eight months since D-day, I sometimes will look back at those journals when I am having a bad day. The words in it seem to bolster my bad mood, my righteous anger. I talked to my psychologist about why I did this. She said that, from listening to me, when I begin to let go of the EA and make myself vulnerable to my H, I have a defense mechanism which kicks in. She said I am afraid of feeling close to him so I strike out. I understand that reading those journals bolster my fear – who would want to go through that again? I want to say this so others may understand the need to keep reliving those horrible first few days. We are trying to protect ourselves by keeping our distance from our husbands/wives. I think that if we are not vulnerable, we think we won’t be hurt again. I know I have to stop doing this and open myself to the possibilities of having a loving marriage again but it is hard.
My husband is honestly trying to work through this with me but sometimes I have those bad days. I came to the conclusion that I do not need to read those journals at this point. It serves no purpose except to inflame me. Perhaps later, when I am not so susceptible, I can read through them and not felt this twisting pain in my heart. I have to move forward, not look back at this time in our recovery.
Notoverit, That’s great stuff you write about pertaining to the defense mechanism in reading the journals. It makes perfect sense that you read the journals for the reasons you stated. Fear of being hurt again can be a huge issue to lots of betrayed spouses. I think that you certainly helped some others by sharing what your therapist told you. Have you ever thought about just getting rid of them? Perhaps a ceremonial burning?
That’s exactly what my therapist recommended – a ceremonial burning. Some time soon, I think, I can do that. Not quite yet.
Notoverit, I believe your psychologist is correct, I would find myself going back to my little folder of stuff (phone logs, journals, etc) when I felt the most vulnerable. Times when Doug and I were doing really well, we were connecting, having a good time, I would become afraid and then look at those things so I could get angry and “on guard” again. I didn’t want to forget the fear and pain, hoping that would keep me safe. They are still sitting on shelf, my little sense of power or security, however I have not looked at them for months. I haven’t felt the need too. Eventually I will throw them away, not quite ready yet. I think I will know when its time. Linda
Yes, I have. But at this point I have to keep them for legal reasons. I have them put away in a place that is difficult to get to. I have to exercise some restraint. As soon as I can, I will burn them. That I had already decided. And yes, the defense mechanism to getting close again is a real problem. I know when I am doing it but it is so very difficult to stop once I get on that circuitous loop about the EA. I am trying.
Her reaction.
She lost her shit. She panicked big time. She was calling certain people to do some damage control. I did this on her day off. I told 5 ppl at her work. The next day everybody knew. It took a week for things to die down. People initially thought I was being petty or a jerk for doing it. But the tide has turned as everybody has seen my wife in a different light and now have an explanation for it. The thing is, ppl at her work ( a grocery store) know me and my son. Alot of ppl saw us as a perfect couple. Sure we have problems. But nothing that would typically justify separation or an affair
I also told HR. And the OM family. And soon to be OM ex-wife.
I have had the benefit though of having some of those same coworkers monitor the situation and get information in when I need it. Like to tell ppl what’s really going on. So they get a better understanding of the affair and how it happened as well as clearing my name, so to speak. The OMX also works for the same company and she gets me info and has given me more than enough on the OM. I know what he’s gonna say and do before he does it.
My wife is more prone to public scrutiny than the OM who’s attidue is that he’s there to work not make friends. So this kind of things have help to slowly erode at the relationship. As well ppl can tell when she’s lying. Which nobody likes. And she’s been labeled a drama queen because she so moody now. It doesn’t help shes on Prozac. But my wife used to never be that way. She was fun, personable, very nice and easy to get a long with. She’s basically a combination of MAry from something about Mary and the girl next door. Innocent amd naive.
But no longer. After exposed the affair. Alot of things changed.
Like I said she’s moving out and I’m going into a modified with kid plan B. They’ve already had fights and she’s already hiding things from him. Which is funny because if you find someone so special, willing to throw away 17 years and a marriage/family. Wouldn’t you want to share everything?
Thanks Elph. I think that your sharing will be of benefit to others. As Harley says, the affair will probably die on it’s own and hopefully then (if you want to) you can reconcile.
I have kept a journal since D-day. But i havnt written often enough. My H would always find what i wrote and get upset about what i wrote. He would take everything personally and think i didnt want to work on the marriage anymore.
But reading everyones comments has made me realize that i need that outlit. What little i have written i do go back and read occassionally, and it does help to keep my progress in perspective. i will start my journal again today.
Im at a confusing point in this EA. H has had no contact (that i know of). Claims he just wants to put it behind us and move on with life. Problem im having at the moment is he doesnt say “i love you” like he use to. b4 the EA he said it all the time. As things progressed with the EA he stopped saying it to me all together. Past few weeks ive been initiating it.. 3days ago i stopped. hes said it once (only cuz some1 else said it to me first and he mouthed the words to me) since then nothing.
Im pretty confused. Dont know if he does love me. If he doesnt say it does it mean he doesnt feel it.
*he said it to the skank a bunch (declared his love in so many ways) Sorry got upset! Dont know how i should feel about him not saying it!!??
OK, I’m not ashamed to say that I sent the email that’s the topic of the discussion. I really do want to know WHY I can’t let them go. I’m the kind of person who has to analyze and decipher the hell out of something to figure out the root or it just goes round and round and round in the abyss of my brain 🙂
So I sat here last night with the emails in front of me and asked why over and over and wondered why I couldn’t do it every time I tried to do it.
Nothing came to me.
I went to bed still thinking about it, prayed about it and woke up and knew.
I can’t let go because letting go of them is like saying all that pain never happened. Those emails track my hurts so clearly and so in-depth. Some of those emails were written through tears and choked sobs. I poured my heart into those emails. Every ache, every stab, every jolt is recorded and reading them again for me is about knowing it was recorded. Knowing they were captured.
For me it’s not about tracking my progress (I get that from my journals) the emails were somewhere to cry out to when no one else could hear me, when my husband didn’t want to hear me. They were my sounding board. They were there for me in the wee hours of the morning, in the middle of the night, at random times of the day. They never failed me and they held tight to the wreckage of my heart while I prayed my husband back to his senses.
That’s why I can’t let go. It’s my proof that that my pain was real. Maybe one day, I will be able to, but not today and I’m OK with that for now 🙂
Kristine,
I’m glad you wrote this. It’s been one year for me since DDay and I was just wondering about this, why am I keeping my journals. I think I need to keep them for now because although I am recovering and feeling better I want to remember I didnt always feel this way,I do worry one day I may not be around for whatever reason and one of my kids will read them so for that reason only I will destroy them.
Jessica I keep thinking the same thing about my journals. I told my H if something happens to me to throw them out so the kids don’t find them and I told my mom if something happens to the both of us get those journals out of here and burn them! LOL
I can’t stand to get rid of them just yet though. It tracks my entire journey and I can’t remember all the details but my journals have everything recorded for me to go back to and pull them from. I still need them.
AK,
realtors have higher standards of ethics and morals, this person sounds very sleazy I would report him.
Hi Kristine,
Eventually even if you can’t get rid of the journals you will read them less and less. I think you will find the less you read them and immerse yourself in the affair the better you will feel.
I also think that the need to look at them will decrease over time for you. I felt like if I didn’t keep the details of the affair alive like looking at facebook, phone records, journals…that I was somehow letting my husband off for what he did. Dont get me wrong I still look somedays but I find the more I stay away from them the better I feel. Sometimes you just cant. It will be 1 year for me Aug 25. As far as the journals go…I kept one online at the beginning…it was the worse one by far. All of the raw anger…it was a life savor but it was on a computer and I did not want my kids to ever find it so I deleted it. I just did it and it was freeing. I still keep one stuffed between my matress and box spring but I dont read it very often. You have to do what feel s right for you and do what you need to do for yourself. It will get better….never the same….but better. Take care.
Hi Broken, thanks for responding. You know what’s funny is I *rarely* read my journals or those emails anymore. Probably been 4 or 5 months now but I know they’re there. Esp the emails. The journals are my lifeline. I see my spiritual growth through one of the hardest things I ever went through and it’s amazing to read back on. I don’t WANT to get rid of those but the emails are just full of pain. REAL RAW PAIN and I’m not there in that spot anymore so I was really surprised when I realized I can’t get rid of them which prompted me to want to know WHY I felt I couldn’t. Now that I know why I hold onto them, I’m OK with it 🙂
When I found out I went on a cleaning rampage. All those cards and letters – gone. Photos – most of them gone (I locked the wedding album away because that was tempting. Trinkets, keepsakes – gone. Memories – gone.
During recovery I kept a journal for a while but then I realized that it was too depressing to go back and read the entries, and there was nothing in there I didn’t feel acutely anyway. I need no documentation to remember EXACTLY how I felt the morning of January 16, 2010. I started, and continue, to write and rip. It’s very therapeutic. Not only do I express my emotions, but I can let them go too and move on and focus as best I can on what’s really in front of me, not some past I hold onto.
I don’t regret anything I’ve torn up. My memories are tainted anyway. I think back on proposing to my wife in an Italian restaurant in the Latin quarter in Paris. I remember her reaction, the surprise and smile, the hugs, the kisses, the walk along the Seine afterward, making love that night in a small flat we had rented. We took a picture the next day in front of the restaurant. I ripped it up – gone. I can’t help but wonder now if she was really happy that evening, or did she feel trapped, was she making a mistake, did she ever really love me? Those are memories I don’t want or need.
And even if she did love me then, she stopped – at least for a while. So what will tomorrow bring?
It sounds depressing, I realize, but leave the memories to the movies. There’s something new every single day. That’s what I’m looking at now. Like Neo in the Matrix, I’m awake now. I don’t want to go back.
D
I sympathise with towards your comments, word by word. I too destroyed photos, and cards we gave each other. Replaced all pictures of ourselves (our wedding, trips abroad, parties, etc) around the house for only our children’s photos. I gave away/ changed everything that reminded me of how we were and how much he ‘forgot me’. The OW never came to our house, but I changed our bed, and through the one we had away. He cried. He said: We conceived our children in that bed. I said: You betrayed my love and trust in that bed.
I also removed my wedding ring. He still wears his. I am interested only in the now, it is the only way I can stay and try to repair our relationship. But, I still write a journal. I don’t read it anymore, but I want to keep it. Perhaps one day I will destroy it too, don’t know. Who knows what the future holds for me and my husband? But it seems that we are on the right track. God knows until when? Wishing you the best in your recovery.
oh, DJ, I can totally sympathise, but really,you must try and hit delete. I only saw one of my OH emails to his OW and it tore my heart out. I also saw a long email that she thought she was writing to him but was in gfact me pretending to be him once I found out about the affair. The words in both emails are imprinted on my brain and try as I might I cannot delete them from there. I did delete them from the pc though and it felt really cathartic. My OH says that they were just words when he was caught in an infatuation, but really that means nothing does it? But, for your own sanity, try and get to that button. x
I’m jumping around the site today and this one hit home for me recently. I had my H’s FB Messages to the OW. I mentioned this in therapy and our therapist said I should let them go, then she took that back and said I should decide on my own, but she would suggest thinking about letting that go. At first I was very upset, but the more I thought about letting it go, I figured it would be a freeing, letting go, good-bye and I was finally at a point where I wasn’t trying to get details or asking tons of questions. I basically knew the EA and was trying to move forward.
So, I finally decided that I was ready…I wanted to ceremonially burn it. I decided that I really wanted to have my H involved in me letting go of this. I know he had let go 3 months ago, but I wanted it to be us saying good-bye, him helping me. All this information was stuff I gathered and poured over and reread. Me secretly discovering and reading. I didn’t want it to be MY stuff anymore. So, I asked him if he would sit down with me and go over the phone records and messages I had, if he would try to tell me about phone calls at work, etc and fill in a “calendar” of his time with her (which was only 2 months). We talked it out, and again I really got to know his feelings and thoughts and what was going on…from an understanding point…not anger, etc. It was done very matter of fact. We discussed all the messages from the first date on and I got a general sense of it all plus his feelings in relation to me/looking back/etc. I think it was very therapeutic to go back over it all one last big time. I’m sure it was difficult for him (and me) to do this, but he is always willing to do whatever I think will help me. He has been really good that way.
Then we took that “calendar” the FB Messages (and I deleted them all off the computer) the phone bill, also my writings of questions/feelings/thoughts from D-Day before we sat down to have our big talk…those were FULL of rage, emotion, anger, hurt. I was right back there reading those. I also had a big cardboard that I filled out one really bad trigger day (16th anniversary weekend) with all my emotions and negative feelings from d-day. I probably had 100 words all over that cardboard…ruined, angry, roller coaster, unsafe, etc. All that stuff, we took outside and set up the fire and burned it. Sitting there together, holding hands and letting go of that part of our lives together. It was a very good feeling. I loved that he helped me. I loved that it wasn’t me just letting my stuff go. It was us moving forward from all that hurt. AAAAAHHHHH!
So I did that this Sunday. It was a good feeling. I did have a few bad days after, I think just reprocessing everything that was shared. It was given so matter of fact (which was good at the time) but in the following days, I took that matter of fact information and had to reprocess that with MY HUSBAND doing all that stuff WITH SOMEONE ELSE. So it did restart me again, but I don’t regret sitting down and doing that. I don’t regret letting go of all that paperwork. I wasn’t looking at it for quite a while, but it was freeing to let it go. It was freeing to say good-bye to that time in a physically symbolic way. It was very good to do that together with my husband. I think it brought us closer together.