affair recovery
Affair recovery and healing is taking one step at a time – and often those steps are tiny little baby steps.

If you’ve been a reader or member of our blog for any length of time, then you are probably aware that every now and then we like to utilize our Wednesday discussions as a platform for readers to let everyone else know about any affair recovery successes they might be having.  This week, we want to do something along those lines, but perhaps just a little differently than in the past.

Realizing that affair recovery and healing is a long process, it may be helpful to think of it as a series of steps with each step becoming larger than the one before.  Sometimes as you continue to journey up the steps, one particular step may be bigger and more difficult to scale and you might get stuck (or fall back).  But since you have worked diligently up to that point and have successfully climbed the previous steps, you know that with a little more work you can make it up that challenging step after all.

You might just be starting your affair recovery journey and think that there is no way in hell you will make it up those steps, but we’re here to tell you that you can. 

For you and any other readers who might feel as though you are fighting a losing battle, or are taking small steps toward recovery only to find yourself falling backwards, we want to try and use this week’s discussion as a positive and motivating mechanism to help you to realize that there is hope and that you can do this. 

See also  Discussion – We Need Some Affair Recovery Success Stories

Too often we talk with people who expect recovery and healing to occur within just a matter of several weeks or months after discovering infidelity, and feel deeply discouraged when there has been very little improvement.  On the other end of the spectrum, there are those who are ready to give up too soon with seemingly very little fight.  In either case, it’s usually because they either expect too much too soon, they don’t realize what’s involved or for whatever reason, decide they don’t want to put forth the effort.  They wind up giving up or settling for the status quo.  It seems that the persons who are the most successful at recovering and healing from an affair realize that it’s taking one step at a time – and often those steps are tiny little baby steps.

Affair recovery and healing is first and foremost about YOU.

It’s about taking care of yourself.  It’s about you getting stronger.  It’s about you digging deep and learning more about yourself then you have ever known.  It’s about understanding what you are capable of and what you are not capable of.  It’s understanding that your faults, flaws, mistakes and screw-ups don’t necessarily define who you really are.  It’s realizing that you can change.  It’s facing your fears and doing it any ways.

Despite feeling discouraged.  Despite the pain and the traumatic thoughts that you might experience.  Despite the lack of help from your spouse or partner.  Despite any other obstacle that seemingly stands in your way…you can come out of this, and you can come out of this better than before.

See also  Open 'Mic' Discussion #12

You may be recovering and healing nicely or you may feel beaten down, broken and in pain and your marriage may fall to pieces, but you can emerge stronger and with a perspective that screams “I AM A SURVIVOR!!”   “If I can survive this, I can survive anything!”

OK, that ends the pep talk portion of this post.  Now on to the discussion.  Please consider the following…

What are some of the most valuable lessons you’ve learned about the affair recovery process?

What are the most valuable things you’ve learned about yourself throughout the process?  (Perhaps things that have made you realize you are stronger than you thought you were.)

What are some of the positives that have resulted from your situation – either from a relationship standpoint or from a personal standpoint?

What successes (no matter how small they may seem) have you experienced lately?

Finally, If you could share one piece of advice with someone who is just starting their affair recovery journey, what would it be?

We really encourage everyone to get involved with this discussion.  We all can learn a lot from one another so the more people who comment, the more we can learn.  So be sure to comment below and reply to each other – and don’t be shy!

We really need as many people as possible to get involved in this discussion!!!

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

 

    24 replies to "Discussion – Lessons Learned During Affair Recovery"

    • chiffchaff

      A great motivational way to look at things! thanks.

      1.What are some of the most valuable lessons you’ve learned about the affair recovery process?

      Quick fixes, not asking burning questions (at the right time) or ignoring gut feelings and inconsistencies about what you’ve been told, makes it all take so much longer.

      2. What are the most valuable things you’ve learned about yourself throughout the process? (Perhaps things that have made you realize you are stronger than you thought you were.)

      I can do things I thought I could never do, but only if I take it slowly and be kind to myself. That many of the ways I think about myself have been as a result of someone else’s problems projected onto me. Finding a clearer sense of who I am has been so valuable in coping with the months of crap during this process. I’m still working on deciphering what I actually like ratehr than what other people think I should like, that’s more difficult.

      3. What are some of the positives that have resulted from your situation – either from a relationship standpoint or from a personal standpoint?

      I’m significantly thinner (in a good way) and a heck of a lot fitter, which helps me feel better about myself.

      4. What successes (no matter how small they may seem) have you experienced lately?

      I found a srabble chat of my H’s where he was trying to garner sympathy from someone about how I didn’t always like him going to his band. A few minutes later he’d then gone back and added that it was an unfair comment to make about his wife as that was a time when I was unwell and also before all the nonsense he’d created for us. It was small evidence of how he is looking at his own behaviour more critically than he has done, and more quickly!

      5. Finally, If you could share one piece of advice with someone who is just starting their affair recovery journey, what would it be?

      Gosh. every situation is different. Try to stop second guessing what the CS is doing or thinking and concentrate on what you’re thinking, doing and feeling instead. You can only address your own issues and you must concentrate on yourself first, as you need to be incredibly strong to deal with this no matter – which way the recovery process goes.

    • Sara K

      Fabulous questions!

      What are some of the most valuable lessons you’ve learned about the affair recovery process?

      That no matter what you think you know about your spouse there is always more to learn. You can always dig deeper, share more and understand more. Love has no boundaries if it is truly unconditional and there is mutual respect involved on both sides.

      What are the most valuable things you’ve learned about yourself throughout the process? (Perhaps things that have made you realize you are stronger than you thought you were.)

      I can survive anything. I thought cheating would be the end of our relationship in theory. I was the one that said I would “kick him to the curb” but when push came to shove, I wanted to work it out and so did he.

      What are some of the positives that have resulted from your situation – either from a relationship standpoint or from a personal standpoint?

      Tremendous honesty, even when it can hurt. We have said bye bye to codependent behavior and hello to trust and intimacy.

      What successes (no matter how small they may seem) have you experienced lately?

      We often go through a great period followed by a not-so-great period. Learning to communicate through those harder times when triggers come or bad habits rear their ugly heads has been tremendous success for us.

      Finally, If you could share one piece of advice with someone who is just starting their affair recovery journey, what would it be?

      Time really does heal. It’s a LONG road, with lots of bumps but if you are dedicated and he’s dedicated you can survive and be better for it. Also, no one truly knows your heart so don’t let others judgements be your guide, learn to trust yourself again.

    • Doug

      Great stuff Sara and Chiffchaff! Thanks for taking the time to get the discussion started. You’ve offered some valuable stuff there for others to learn from.

      I think this is a very important discussion as it has the potential to benefit a ton of people. So don’t be shy, let’s hear from some more of you guys! Thanks a bunch!

    • KelBelly

      What are some of the most valuable lessons you’ve learned about the affair recovery process?

      I have learned that two people can love each other and totally lose sight of that! I have learned that a marriage is even harder work than I thought and that sometimes you have to fight the negative to find enough positive to hold on.

      What are the most valuable things you’ve learned about yourself throughout the process? (Perhaps things that have made you realize you are stronger than you thought you were.)

      I have found my self worth and strength once more. I was so frozen by my illness and the way my home life was going that I doubted everything and felt that I had nothing left to give. I am now back in the land of the living and doing things that bring light to my life.

      What are some of the positives that have resulted from your situation – either from a relationship standpoint or from a personal standpoint?

      My marriage is on the right track to being as strong as it once was. It is a double edge sword to stand where we do as a BS because on one hand, it hurts like hell to deal with the fact that your H or W had an affair but yet on the other side there is the relief that finally things are getting better and your spouse is finally becoming the person they once were in your marriage.

      What successes (no matter how small they may seem) have you experienced lately?

      My H is finally standing up and making me confront things when I have triggers and want to shut down. It was always me that would start a conversation after a big fight and now he is taking the initiative to do so. I am also finding that the bad times are becoming less frequent and not lasting as long.

      Finally, If you could share one piece of advice with someone who is just starting their affair recovery journey, what would it be?

      Let yourself feel all the emotions of it and go with it! Don’t let your CS rush you through the recovery and don’t let them shut down and not give you the answers you need. No healing will began if you can’t place the affair.

      • Doug

        Very nice KelBelly. Thank you for sharing!

    • rachel

      I guess my situation is different from most of you as I am in the middle of a messy divorce. But I figured that I would chime in anyways.
      My son was late signing up for basketball so I called the recreation dept. today. Chatting with the women she needed my name and email so she could let me know when a spot opened because all teams were full because he was late signing up.
      She needed his fathers name and address. When she asked for my husbands name and address I said soon to be ex. She said wait he was a coach before. Blah, blah, blah, one thing led to another and she has also been divorced by a very verbally abusive man. She gave me such power as to put one foot in front of the other and go to the grocery store where the ex and his family shop at. He’s the one that’s the ass, not you. She told me to call her and stop in at her other job at a local department store.
      My point is these people are coming out of the woodwork!!! Strangers that I connect with.
      A girl came into the bank and needed a check to my attorney. I said to her “that’s my attorney” what do you know about him” She had him for her divorce and her brother was not using him for his divorce from a very abusive women. Her dad just passed away after a brief illness and her mom is battleing stage 4 breast cancer.
      She was a tower of strenght for me. Reassuring me that I will come out of this nightmare on top.
      All of these connections amaze me and make me stronger.

      • Doug

        Rachel, it’s great that you’re finding these unexpected sources of strength. It is funny how you start to notice people in similar situations. A while back we started to see all sorts of neighbors, friends and family who have experienced what we have.

    • tsd

      This is a good post to read others advice…thx Doug and Linda

      What are some of the most valuable lessons you’ve learned about the affair recovery process?

      A lesson I learned, which is repeatively spoken thru Doug and Linda’s blogs, is marriage is hard with or without an affair…that constant care is needed, and neglect is a form of drying out your needs, BUT crossing the line is the fault of one person only.

      What are the most valuable things you’ve learned about yourself throughout the process? (Perhaps things that have made you realize you are stronger than you thought you were.)

      That I am ok without him…I told my husband the second time he cheated on me that I was done, but his remorseful behavior had me looking at our marriage to stay with him for our good memories and not the bad mistakes. So I can be better with him and we must work together.

      What are some of the positives that have resulted from your situation – either from a relationship standpoint or from a personal standpoint?

      Personally, I have learned how to stand on my own two feet, find that happiness comes from yourself first, and that courage comes when needed and will carry you thru the tough times…

      What successes (no matter how small they may seem) have you experienced lately?

      My success has been I feel great about myself when I look in the mirror and that husband doesn’t need to tell me me when a boost to my spirit is needed…

      Finally, If you could share one piece of advice with someone who is just starting their affair recovery journey, what would it be?

      Come to this site, know that you are never alone in your feelings, that the process is better taken slow and to never expect grand gestures…slow, small and steady do add up to a better, long lasting, fulfilling relationship…

      I am a new Fever Ray devotee, and her song says it all “I’m not done”

      • Doug

        Thanks TSD, I like your attitude and confidence. That’s great.

    • Patsy50

      What are some of the most valuable lessons learned about the affair recovery?
      I’ve learned that it’s a tough road to follow but it can be done.
      I learned to relearn in my forty-one years of marriage to show appreciation and reconnect with one another after being married for so long you tend to lose sight of these things in a long term relationship.

      What are the most valuable things you’ve learned about yourself throughout the process?
      I have learned I am a strong person. I am more outspoken about things that I like and dislike.
      And I learned that I am responsible for my self esteem not someone else.

      What successes have you experienced lately?
      My biggest success is my husband and I have climbed this mountain together and we made it to the top!

      If you could share one piece of advice with someone who is just starting their affair recovery journey, what would it be?
      Each affair is different with it’s own set of reasons as to why this happened but I would say hang in there as long as you each have a small piece of love for one another and the willingness to do the work to support each other. You will reach the end of your journey side by side.

      • Doug

        Great advice Patsy! Congratulations on making it to the top of the mountain.

    • lrdm

      I am just six weeks out and have no substantive answers to these questions but I find this forum very helpful so I will answer with what I at least am trying and hope to learn

      What are some of the most valuable lessons you’ve learned about the affair recovery process?
      As long as I continue to communicate honestly with my H, stay close to him and know that he is fully committed to making our lives work together, I feel like I can get through this. The fact that he feels rejuvenated and alive again ( even though he knows how much pain he has caused ) and is 100% here for us, helps tremendously.

      What are the most valuable things you’ve learned about yourself throughout the process? (Perhaps things that have made you realize you are stronger than you thought you were.)
      I am as strong as I thought I was. I am not one to fall into depression although I have been very sad. I have a career and teenage children so really cant fall off the deep end. I am seriously contemplating leaving my job ( I have not been happy and could use some time for myself) and taking some time off. My H is completely supportive of this.
      I have to listen more to him. I have to understand that we are different and react to things differently. I am glass half full and always have been. He sees the negative side of things more easily and is going to work harder to see that we have so much to be thankful for. He really f*k*ed things up by doing what he did and knows that together we need to be open and honest with each other to make this work

      What are some of the positives that have resulted from your situation – either from a relationship standpoint or from a personal standpoint?
      The positive is that our marriage was not in a good place (clearly!) and that this is a real chance to make it better. Yes, it will never be the same but maybe that will be ok. I am not 100% sure yet but I am hopeful. We need to slow down our lives a bit to focus on US. It was work and kids and then us. We have to change that dynamic which can only be positive for us.

      What successes (no matter how small they may seem) have you experienced lately?
      Talking and communicating more than we ever have.

      Finally, If you could share one piece of advice with someone who is just starting their affair recovery journey, what would it be?
      If in your heart you both want to be committed to the relationship, get all the information that you need to put the affair into a “real” place in your mind and eliminate the fantasy. Once you get all that information, you must be able to use it as you need but not throw it in your spouse’s face at every turn. Continued communication is key but finding the right time to discuss the affair is also key. It is easy for the CS to get down and frustrated with a feeling that this could never work if you just pepper and pepper with questions and guilt at all hours of the day and night. It just isnt constructive.

      • Doug

        Thanks for sharing lrdm. It seems that both you and your husband have a good mindset, which will go a long way towards your recovery and healing as a couple.

    • Natalia

      I’ve learned to trust my gut feelings and to question him when something doesn’t add up. I’ve also learned that I deserve better and will never put up with his bs anymore. I know how strong I can be and it’s my strength that’s pulling this marriage together. He’s also doing his part, but as they say “Behind every successful man, there is a woman.” If it weren’t for me he’d be a bigger mess. I hate what he did to us, but I don’t hate him. He’s come out of this like a real man.

      • Doug

        Natalia, Great stuff! I’m curious what your one piece of advice would be to someone just starting their affair recovery?

        • Natalia

          Hi Doug! First try to get over the initial shock ASAP. It’s easier said than done but it is a crucial point. You need to be calm and level headed when you confront your spouse. If you let your emotions (anger, pain) get in the way you will accomplish ZERO! Especially if you accuse him/her and they get defensive. It’ll prompt them to retreat into their shell and you won’t get the truth or an admissionout of them. It’s impossible to work with someone who refuses to come clean. I waited 2 days after Dday to confront my H. I cried all day on Dday. The next day I wrote down everything I wanted to say and all my questions. I painted 2 scenarios in my mind. One: if he admitted I was right about my suspicions Then I would establish clear boundaries and demand that he keep them and cut all contact with the women he had been having EAs with. Two: If he denied it and called me crazy I was going to tell him it was over because I was sick and tired of the way he had been treating me for so long. That contacting an ex gf on FB was unacceptable and I was not going to tolerate it. Also, I was done with him and this marriage and he’d have the task to tell our children, family and friends the reason why I was leaving him. I was going to let him go through the embarrassment of having to admit to others what he did if he chose not to admit to me. When I “delivered” my speech, he admitted to everything on the spot. I didn’t have to resort to option two. My keeping calm and his addmission helped us start working on our marriage the very next day.

          • Doug

            Thanks Natalia. I think you offer some great advice there which many can benefit from. I appreciate you responding!

    • Linda T.

      One of the most valuable lessons that I’ve learned from the affair recovery process is to talk about his reasons for doing what he did and look at like a puzzle where all the pieces are missing. Even to the point of putting a puzzle on a table, asking a question when it came to your mind, hopefully he will answer it truthfully and put that piece in the puzzle, after you write down what he said. When you get further into this journey and you are trying to make sense of it, you can then read what he said and compare if need be or at least try and make some sense of what happened during the affair. Don’t wait till later to ask the questions, ask them while they are fresh in the spouses head.

      The most valuable thing that I’ve learned about myself through out this painful process is that I can function on my own, be more independent and happy within myself. I know that with or without him, I can function on my own and be happy.

      The most positive thing that has come about from this painful experience is that I no longer allow him to control me. Wether it has to do with money, what I want to do on a certain day and it’s alright if he isn’t interested in going. He’s no longer my Father and in charge of me anymore. I am an adult and have a right to make my own decisions and not let him control me like I allowed for the years before the affair. I thought he was the boss of a lot of things, because he earned the income and I didn’t work. I will never be controlled again, so If I want to do something like watch another TV show or go to bed at a different time, I’ll do so and not feel guilty about it.

      I no longer answer to anyone about my feelings and I don’t feel guilty about having those feelings. I don’t need acceptance anymore and it doesn’t worry me like it use to.

      My one peace of advice to anyone that this happens to is. I focused on if they had sex or not as I was told by both of them that it was an emotional affair, even though they slept together. This was a deal breaker for me as the affair was something that I said that I wouldn’t stay in a marriage if it happened to me. By doing that, even though it was so important to me, I did’t focus on the big picture, he betrayed me and that was just as important and I should have asked more questions of how he felt while having the affair.
      Linda T.

      • Doug

        Thanks for your contributions, Linda T. Gaining strength seems to be a common thread. Thanks!

        • Linda T.

          You welcome, Doug
          Yes, I’ve received all those things, but in the very end the marriage isn’t any better. I still also need the strength to get out of the house, exercise and find a purpose to want to enjoy life. Not finding the right psychologist doesn’t help. I do find your sight very helpful and am happy you and Linda are helping all of us. You have no idea how helpful it is to be able to vent and hopefully help others with our comments.
          Linda T.

      • Karen

        What are the most valuable lessons I learned. don’t take each other for granted. Also for the cheater don’t lie my husband wasted six months telling me it was just an emotional connection when I knew in my gut he was lying. What I have learned about my self is to trust your gut feelings. I did not put it together until a year after it happened. Also for the cheater don’t lie. So I learned to trust my gut feelings and to not stop asking questions until you feel you have the truth. since it took a year for me to find out I think my husband buried a lot of the truth and had a hard time telling the truth since he had lived with his lies for so long. I learned that my husband had an affair with a friend I knew since I was 6. He knew I no longer wanted to be friends with her she had become addicted to pain killers began using people thought it was funny fooling around with a man that lived with someone for 8 years she pushed her daughter off on everyone was jealous of any one that had a good relationship and I told him for 15 years she would love to see us divorced. I learned when someone starts telling your spouse nice things they can actually forget all the mean cruel things about some one. I know it was definitely a fantasy cause when she started becoming demanding he realized and came out of his fog who she really was and she was not a friend or a good person. One of the positives is even though its only been 10 months my husband is back to who he was 20 years go. He says thank you for the small things I do for him and I do the same. He opens the car door for me drops me off in front of the store when it’s raining so I don’t have to walk a block in the rain, we realized who much we missed spending time together and stopped putting everything else before us. Although I still have too many days that I feel anger and hurt and I do take it out on him they are becoming further apart and not lasting as long. I try to take 15 min everyday since I still think about it everyday and tell him how I feel and then letting it go. I know we still have a long way to go but I know we are going to make it. I can’t remember the exact quote but I know what someone meant for harm God will turn it into good. We are getting back to the way we were for 17 years so what she did because she was jealous and wanted to see us divorced has brought us closer. Her plan backfired and she has to live with the guilt. She lost a good friend and in return I was able to get my marriage back to the way it should be.
        Karen

        • Doug

          Karen, I”‘m glad that your husband has become the man that he once was and that you have put your relationship first and foremost. Thanks for sharing.

    • Virginia

      What are some of the most valuable lessons you’ve learned about the affair recovery process?
      Forgiveness is for you not the CS or OW or anyone else who facilitated the affair. So I chose to forgive. I still have no desire to have “nice” thoughts about the OW. If anything I pity her but I no longer want to drive a bus over her nor my H for that matter. Forgiveness allowed me to separate myself from the ugliness of their actions. It also helps keep me on the path of healing when the pain and lingering anger rear their ugly heads.

      What are the most valuable things you’ve learned about yourself throughout the process? (Perhaps things that have made you realize you are stronger than you thought you were.)
      That I was the person I always knew I was. Intelligent, kind, strong-willed, independent, opinionated, attractive and sane. My CS repeatedly used each of those attributes as weapons against me during his EA and cover up period. I slowly believed them I was none of those attributes. Now I know those cruel actions/comments were his justification for his own poor choices. Also, to remember the affair was not about you. It was about the CS and OW’s issues.

      What are some of the positives that have resulted from your situation – either from a relationship standpoint or from a personal standpoint?
      After 25 years of knowing my H I have finally seen the real person. He kept his intimate emotional feelings closed off but know he is open and will address his them. And…
      I believe in myself and I’m beginning to trust myself again.

      What successes (no matter how small they may seem) have you experienced lately?
      2-1/2 years after d-day we had our first CALM discussion without a therapist, tears, anger and drama about the EA. Yes that was a long time but it came.

      Finally, If you could share one piece of advice with someone who is just starting their affair recovery journey, what would it be?
      Move through the process to the best of your ability and try not to get stuck. It’s an emotional roller coaster with highs and really big lows, but just keep moving. It’s easy to stay angry or keep screaming or be bitter, etc. but do your best to have those moments and move on to the good stuff. Heal yourself with all the small things that make you happy!
      Remember the affair was never about you!!!!!

      • Doug

        Very nice, Virginia! It sounds as though you and your husband have come a very long way. Keep going!

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