It’s Wednesday Discussion day again!

Is honesty really the best policy?

It’s a question that many of us may struggle with from time to time. But in a marriage – especially after an affair – honesty is imperative. Your marriage may depend on it.

In a healthy relationship, honesty is a critical component. It helps form the foundation of a strong communication bond. In order to save your marriage and rebuild trust, honesty needs to be prioritized as a communication “must” – especially after an affair.  At the same time though, honesty is a strong force, and it needs to be wielded responsibly so as to preserve the good of it.

How was the level of honesty between you and your spouse prior to the affair? After the affair?

Has the honesty of your spouse after the affair at times been too much to take?

What is one thing you can do to use honesty more responsibly in your marriage to help move the rebuilding process forward?

Remember to respond to each other in the comments!

Thanks,

Linda & Doug

See also  Healing From an Affair – Changing From Destroyer to Rebuilder

    37 replies to "Discussion: Is Honesty the Best Policy After the Affair?"

    • roller coaster rider

      Wow, honesty. I have always prided myself on being an honest person, but I have to say that since D-day and especially since reading some of what Linda has related about Doug’s ‘honesty’ in telling her she was negative, etc. I am so glad my H never shared with me those ‘honest’ feelings about my shortcomings that led to his adultery (I’m into using that word today, it’s honestly the truth) but wow. I mean there’s honesty, and then there’s honesty. Now transparency, that’s what I really desire. I want to be able to share my heart without fear that I’ll get in trouble but maybe there are things to be said for which honesty is not necessarily the best policy. I’m not talking dishonesty, but tact, kindness, etc. I also hope DH will be honest with me, but even better, I want him to be transparent. No secrets. Nothing hidden. Wonder if that will ever happen.

    • InTrouble

      I am not overly honest about my affair (nor is my husband demanding of details). I feel I am protecting him.

      My mental energy is directed at working on myself at this point – truly ending the urge for the affair, understanding why I had the affair, and fully recommitting myself to my marriage.

      I desperately want to forget about “him,” but, so far, it is a constant struggle, and I see no advantage to confessing that to my husband, who believes it to be a done deal (which it essentially is). I’ve hurt him enough.

      It all sort of feels like walking on ice.

    • roller coaster rider

      I know my husband is struggling tremendously with what goes on in his head and I have to say that while I want to know if he still thinks about her (the OW), it’s probably better for me not to know that. If I knew he was thinking about her in a certain way, for example, I might not be willing to continue to work on our marriage. It’s just too painful

    • RecoveringMommy

      Let me begin by saying that I’m definitely on the road to recovery. Most of the hurt has subsided, although it does rear its ugly head from time to time. But me and my H are at the point where we can rationally talk about what happened without one or both of us becoming emotional. Since a day or two after D-day, he has answered every one of my questions honestly without asking why I need to know the answer. A day passed after D-day before we actually talked or saw each other. At that point I felt like he wasn’t telling me everything so I flat out told him that this was his last chance for honesty, that if more details surfaced later than it was over. We literally talked for hours about the EA, but also about problems that we had that were never addressed. He left me express my anger (yelling, breaking things, etc…) and never said a word. He never tried to justify what he did but admitted that it was wrong and that I’d done nothing to deserve this, no matter what problems we had. Since that talk, I have not doubted anything he has said. I truly believe him and I have a peace about the whole thing. I realize everyone on here is not a “spiritual” person and that’s ok. I respect everyone’s opinion. For me personally, I realized that my God was the only One that could salvage my marriage and I willingly turned it over to him. It was apparent me and my H couldn’t fix it. Look at the mess we had made of it!

      All that to say that honesty is CRUCIAL to rebuilding your marriage! My H’s honesty has not been too much to take. I would rather know and be able to deal with it than to find something else out at a later time. Because I think we can all agree that every secret eventually comes out! So in my opinion, to all the CSs out there reading, honestly answer your BSs questions. And do it tactfully. You may not want to because of fear of hurting them. But they’ve been through an emotional hell. And although it more than likely will hurt them, it will be way worse if they heal from this and then years later find out you’re still lying.

      • roller coaster rider

        Good comment RM. I completely agree that the CS should be honest when answering questions and should never do or say anything that is in any way deceptive (they have already done enough of that). I am also aware that there are some questions I might think of at some point, but if I really consider it awhile, it may be better for me not to know the answer. Does that make sense?

    • RecoveringMommy

      RCR, yes that makes perfect sense. Let me add to what I said earlier. While I think the CS should be honest about the EA/PA, I don’t think they should divulge more specific details unless asked. And for the BS, before asking a question, I would suggest really thing about it before asking. Do you REALLY want to know the answer? Some might (like me) and others might now (like RCR). You know what you can handle. For instance, some BSs may be fine with just knowing their spouse had an EA. Others my want more details. I.E., did you talk bad about me to her? Was she a better lover than? Anyways, just be sure you want to know the answer before asking.

    • Candance

      My H seems to have no problems being honest about the EA but often says there is no real honest answer to my questions. This can throw me, but as I have stated before he might not be able to answer my questions on the spot but eventually they come out in our conversations without him realizing it & then I address the issue. This seems to be working for both of us. The honesty in other areas of our marriage/life we have yet to address, H is definately going through midlife crisis and so many things about him are/have changed, this seems extra hard for me to deal with on top of the EA. Some things are good, some are bad, I think some things even surprise him. I am still not confident that another EA could not happen during this time period. I am very cautious and suspicious most of the time.

    • RecoveringMommy

      Candace, I wish you and your H the best of luck!

    • just found out

      HONESTY that word before the EA was something that I never thought I had to worry about my H being dishonest. Now since Dday I don’t know when he is being honest or dishonest because he was dishonest for so long and it was easy for him to be. I wonder will I know since I didn’t know when he was being dishonest and having an EA for so long. Transparancy yes he is doing that but that is not enough for me as the EA took place at the workplace. So everyday I wonder is he talking to her or finding some other way of communicating with her using work computor, disposable cell phone I just don’t know. Don’t trust because that HONESTY is gone. I really don’t know if it will ever come back, I hope it does because I do Love my H very much and can’t imagine my life without him.

      • Still hurting

        I am feeling exactly what you are. It’s been three months since DDay after I noticed some unusual activity on our cell phone bill. My H and the OW met at work. He’s a police officer and she’s a married with three kids dispatcher. After confronting him about the thousands of text messages they sent each other, he admitted he was having an EA. However, he lied that the messages were not sexual in nature. A week after DDay after much questioning from me, he finally admitted the messages were sexual too. Even though he claimed he cut off all contact with her (and sadly I check the phone records daily to confirm that), he was still lying about the nature of their relationship. I later found emails they had sent to each other, including plans to hook up and sexually provocative photos she sent only one day before I found out. His refusal to come clean in the beginning makes me constantly think “what else is he hiding?” I was a very confident woman and many people envied my marriage thinking we were such a great and loyal couple. Turns out our nearly 5 year marriage has been a complete sham. Even though my H has given me access to his email and is trying to make things work, I have absolutely no trust in him and doubt it will ever return. I will say this for the BSs: if you can confront the OP do so. I called the OW after I found the cell phone records and confronted her. She insisted they “were just friends” and there was nothing inappropriate. I told her that I didn’t believe her and asked her if my H told her anything about me other than he had Wife. She said no, so I took the opportunity to inform her that I am extremely well connected in politics and could potentially wield some influence if the City she works for starts laying off people and to stay away from my husband. That shut her up real quick. After I found out more details about the affair, I sent her an e-mail forwarding a copy of one of her own e-mails to my H’s where she sent him some half nude photos. The only time I have ever felt empowered since DDay was confronting this whore.

        • just found out

          Still Hurting, I know I contacted the OW also and she to said my H was just being a good friend to her, then the next day at work goes to my H and tells him your wife called me last night and this is what I told her I think it was just to make sure they were telling the same story. But it did feel good and I did feel like I was in control again. How do you know when they are telling the truth or lieing? When do you get your life back? I don’t know anything anymore who I am who he is what we have.

    • Paula

      Honesty is crucial, but, as stated by others here, it is up to the individual/couple to think through what they need to know about the details of the affair. Some people don’t want any, but others need it all. I was the latter, I needed to know as many details as possible, I told him immediately that I needed this as I couldn’t bear to find out stuff later on, and be hurt more and again. Also, for me, I was imagining even worse things than actually happened, if that makes any sense! I was fully prepared for the worst, and thought it through before I asked this of him. He was amazing, and shared as much as he could, it was very uncomfortable for him to do this, and I did notice that sometimes dribs and drabs would come out over the next few days, as he was trying to protect me from the worst of it, but this gave him time to process things into the right words, and make sense of things himself as he thought things through, I don’t believe he was looking for a “good” slant on any of it by doing this.

      However, the honesty we are talking about here, I believe, mostly pertains to the future, as we can’t change the past, only our future behaviour. It is crucial to be honest about feelings, actions, etc from today forward.

    • Miquel Rogers

      The confessions fed the images (now reality based).

      The images fed the imagination.

      This fed the hate and violence.

      The hate filled the end.

      Truth to a spouse can be very very destructful.

      • roller coaster rider

        It sounds like you have a lot of pain. Maybe it would be good to share. We care.

    • Miquel Rogers

      Roller,

      Thank you for the love,

      No my time was 30 yrs ago.

      The honesty of affair fed my demon and my demon fed me.

    • Introuble

      Here is another thing to consider regarding honesty: There is an excellent chance that your cheater is protecting his or her EA person. I know that was true for me. He lied to his wife about some things in order to prevent her from exacting revenge on me.

      I’m not proud of that, but I think betrayed spouses might want to consider that.

    • roller coaster rider

      Maybe it’s also true he lied to you about things he feels and/or said to his wife

    • changedforever

      My H also continues to lie to protect a pathetic affair partner, almost 30 yrs younger than he. Both are pathetic. He never ran to my rescue like that during our 30 yrs together. Trash attracts trash I guess. And lies feed that lifestyle.

    • Ronald Johnson

      You want Honesty, Here is what my Wife had to say to me.

      OK, so for the last week I have been going back and forth fighting the demons inside of me and figured if I have to do this assignment then I have to be completely honest with you and myself. With that being said…here goes ..

      I want to have the cake and eat it too. Right now my heart is with OM (Edited). Sometimes I wish he would just fuck up so it would make things alot more simpler for me but he hasn’t. I fell in love with someone I shouldn’t have and should of turned to my husband but I didn’t so now I’ve made my bed and am laying in it. I want to continue spending the night here on different days to be with the children and you. I want us to continue to have family outings like we have been. Believe it or not I love when we spend time together. It takes me away from all my troubles. I want you to continue to support me when we are together. I don’t want you being cold to me. I want you to continue to spoil me. I want us to continue therapy together to continue improving our relationship together and how we parent the children. I want you to be here with open arms if this thing blows up in my face with open arms, loving me and accepting me back and forgiving me for what I’ve done. I don’t want to just be through. I’m not emotionally ready for a divorce nor do I want a divorce. When it comes to the kids I want them to remain here with you. This is their home and will forever be their home until the money is saved to move them back to the county. With that being said one or two nights a week or whenever you need a break or want to go out they can be with me at OM’s (Edited) home. I want you to see the inside of the home to know where the kids will be and what environment of course when OM (Edited) is not there. I don’t want the two of you speaking to each other unless absolutely necessary. I want us to be 100% involved in matters regarding the children and discuss things like normal human beings vs. the arguing hate the ex kind of thing. Tony, I love you and I will always love you and I never want you to leave my life. I want you to be involved in my life like you always have. When my health is in the shittier, I want you there with me. When I’m in the hospital, I want you there with me. When I need someone to cry too, I want you there for me. When I have my days and nights here I cherish every single moment together and I don’t want we have to ever stop.

      This is it for me in a nutshell. I love you

      Your wife,

      • Melvin

        RJ,

        Sound like your wife is inferring that she wants an Open Relationship. Google definition: An open relationship is a relationship in which the participants are free to have emotional and/or physical relationships with other partners, often within mutually agreed limits. If a couple in an open relationship are married, it can be called an open marriage.

        I know of one such open marriage – it has been working for a few years now with specific rules in place.

      • Candace

        “I want to have the cake and eat it too.” Ouch!!! This seems to be all too often a desire of the CS! What, do you suppose, makes them think they are so special that the BS, family members and others they have hurt should permit this? This is just mind boggling to me! It totally shows they have no thoughts/cares of others, the fog is very thick.

      • Roller coaster rider

        How does this make you feel? I just can’t imagine…

        • Ronald Johnson

          It was upsetting. The next day I typed up a Legal seperation agreement, thinking it would be a slap of cold water in her face to bring her out of the fog. It wasn’t. She asked that two things be changed, 1 the OM name be removed and the reason for dissolusion not be refered to as an affair, and 2 my son from a previous marriage, she be allowed visitation with him also.

          I have cut her off financially and given her a bill of her own she has to pay. I also made her start her own bank account and took away all the credit cards, bank cards and checks from the joint (family) account.

          Taking it day by day and hoping, like her, the the OM will F-up. We will see what Happens.

      • Melvin

        RJ,

        I suppose I should clarify. Open marriages only exist when both parties agree to it and both abide by the limits set forth. I am not advocating this in your case as you obviously do not want to share DW. I would say that most of us here on this blog also do not wish to share either. My obversations only.

        Best Always.

      • Doug

        Ronald, wow, I imagine that was very upsetting, unfortunately this is basically the mindset of most cheaters. They want it all, caring little how it affects everyone around them. After being involved with this blog for over a year and a half I have come to the conclusion that many BS appear to carry similar traits. I feel that most of us have been supportive and caring spouses, we bring to our marriage not only financial security but also the security of taking care of many of the needs of our spouses. I feel many of us have been loyal and responsible, often times putting the needs of our family before ours.

        Many times when someone takes on the burden and responsibility of the relationship the become perceived as predictable, boring, mundane. The cheater begins to take much of what we do for granted. Almost like having an old dog at your side, you know they will always be there to greet you, show you love, be loyal. Soon they forget that you exist and the new puppy is appearing more fun and exciting.

        I wonder what the cheater would do if the BS decided to pull the rug out from under them. Stopped providing the security and the comfort. They would have to turn to the OP to provide that and I am pretty certain the OP could never give them what the BS has. Would they still be so in love, so unable to live without the OP. I doubt it.

        The cheater is judging their feelings on being in two relationships, not one really special one. They are receiving the benefits of both people and also being very selfish. I thank you for sharing this letter, it displays how messed up the cheater really is. Linda

        • Ronald Johnson

          Linda,
          I have some what pulled the rug out from under her. Typed up Legal Separation Papers for her and took away her cash flow. I have noticed my stress level has increased, but there is a lot more money at the end of each pay period.
          Our 7 year Anniversary is coming up, just passed 8 years together. Taking her to a cabin in the mountains for a romantic first honeymoon. In-Laws have agreed to keep the kids for the weekend. I am hoping that without her communication with the OM (no Cell phone allowed) and the alone time with me that it will bring her out of the fog, even for a little bit.

        • JS

          Truer words were never spoken. How right you are, Linda.

      • Doug

        Ronald, Also I am sure that even though most of our spouses were not as honest or willing to share these feelings like your wife, I am sure that they all felt the same twisted way. I knew by Doug’s actions and words he would have preferred to have both. Who wouldn’t. You have a devoted wife at home who takes very good care of you and your children, and also a woman who believes you are perfect in every way. She compliments you, tells you have wonderful you are, is new and different. It is an exciting escape from reality, an escape that we all deserve and need. However we do it in a way that doesn’t hurt the people we love. We exercise, go out with friends, plan a weekend away, read a trashy book, etc. Good luck. linda

    • D

      How was the level of honesty between you and your spouse prior to the affair? I always thought that we were completely honest with each other. Our marriage was based on telling each other the truth in all situations.
      After the affair? I am being honest with my thoughts, feelings, and actions at all times. He knows that one slip up and we are done. I have also told him that everything comes out in the wash, so he better fess up when he remembers certain things.
      He is being honest as far as I know. But I still feel that he was so good at hiding his dishonesty that he could do it again without me knowing.

      Has the honesty of your spouse after the affair at times been too much to take? He does not openly come out and tell me things. I often ask him and he is as honest as he can be. No spouse likes to hear that their significant other has had a connection with another person. There are times when I want to know every detail, but then I think that it would hurt too much. A happy medium is what I strive for now. I know that he had feelings for her. I dont need to hear that. I would rather hear his feelings for me.

      What is one thing you can do to use honesty more responsibly in your marriage to help move the rebuilding process forward? We are working on expressing our feelings no matter what they are. If there are complaints, they need to be vocalized. Our counselor calls it constructive complaining and not criticizing. We begin with “It hurts my feelings when you….” instead of “You are such a ……..”. I also expect him to be transparent in all situations and not feel “watched” if I feel insecure. Checking phone records and looking at his phone make me feel better at times. He cannot get offended by these actions because he created my motives to be a sleuth. 🙂 I am also honest about my life, even though I don’t have to be. I am more respectful of calling when I am late or when I would like to do something with friends. I want him to see that honesty is important to our relationship. It first starts with doing the right thing for both of us, knowing that we can count on each other to be honest.

      Things are getting much, much better. I see the OW as a piece of trash, not worthy of my time or effort in thinking about her. I know that I am a better person than her and always will be. My husband knows that I am a better person as well because I would never do this to him. Our mutual friends still hang out with the OW even though they know what she is capable of. They think that I need to cut her some slack because my husband did this too. I know that, I am not stupid. But I want him to be part of my life no matter what damage he has caused. Her, I could care less. She is nothing but a pathetic woman who preys on other people’s husbands ( this is her second time doing this).

      Hang in there…….I never thought that I would feel this way or be able to express it in words. I feel pretty darn good about who I am and the choices I have made. I can live with it. The other people who hurt me have to also live with their thoughts and actions and I hope that it kills them to see smile.

      • Paula

        Stay strong, D, you’re doing well. We were also the truthful couple, it was such a great relationship, and I was so happy for the first 20 years, so I guess I thought we were immune! I avoid thinking about the OW as “trash”, it doesn’t help me, just continues to make me angry that she walked in and just gets to walk away without a care in the world, while I battle this daily, I’ve been there, I think I already knew her poor character way before she waded into our lives in such a destructive way, just goes to show how carefully you should choose your friends! I’m just way better than that, and have let those negative thoughts (almost!) go. Like you, I know it was my H that did this, too. I’ll share something that hurt me at the time, but I giggle about now, he told me in the immediate aftermath of D-Day that in the fog, he was kinda “justifying” his behaviour with “at least I’m not hurting some other guy” as our OW is single. I just said to him, “well, I’m glad you had the feelings of some non-existent man, that you didn’t even know, even if he did exist, ahead of mine!” You gotta laugh at the things they do to “make it alright with their conscience.” As Winston Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” I use it as my mantra on bad days 🙂

      • Ronald Johnson

        Brings to mind the old adage. “Fool me once shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me”. I think since this has happened to all of us, going forward, whether with out spouse or without we al will be a little “Gun Shy”. We are will always be second guess the other person in the relationship.

    • Still hurting

      So I wonder, why do we continue to stay with people who have not only disrespected us and our marriage, but cheated, lied and make us feel insecure and bad about ourselves? What is love without trust and security? Why do these cheaters and liars deserve us?

    • Roller coaster rider

      We stay together if and when we see multiple signs showing evidence of remorse, desire to assume responsibility, willingness to come clean on every question and future, forever fidelity. We stay together if we desire to build a marriage that is different from the one in which lying, cheating and stealing occurred. We stay together when we realize that divorce is not the best option but that both spouses want to have a strong, loving relationship with constant communication and care for the other’s needs. We stay together if we wish to extend forgiveness and grace, realizing that not only are there no perfect people but also that perfect relationships are a fallacy and that we have the potential of having an exceptional marriage if we can weather this storm and not just remain married but build a better life than we ever had before.

      • Still hurting

        Dear Roller Coaster Rider,
        Thank you for sharing such a beautiful comment. Sometimes I get so stuck in the anger and fear of being hurt again that it’s impossible for me to believe that my H and I could build a marriage that has the possibility to be stronger than it was before his affair. And sometimes I am so tired of having the affair, the pain, the worry it will happen again, the anger, etc completely take over my life. I look forward to the day when I can focus on other things and not agonize over my H’s affair and its effect on every aspect of my/our life.

    • Roller coaster rider

      Still Hurting,
      I long for that day for you as well. It is a long journey, but it is a definite possibility.

    • Aaron

      As a therapist, I can tell you that honesty is the most important policy after an affair. However, the injured partner has to be careful what questions they want an honest answer to. Too often, the injured partner wants to know all the dirty details about where they went, how often they had sex, what positions they had sex in if it was better or worse sex than with them, etc. It’s the participating partners’ responsibility to answer those questions honestly, but those questions can usually only do harm to the relationship and it takes a lot more work as a therapist to work through the knowledge that those questions bring up.

    • Patti

      I thought I would never venture away from my 25yr marriage but it took just one person at the right time of my life to do so.. I had a childhood sweetheart contact me 30yrs past.. He told me he has always thought of me and I was his first love.. A was taken back with such surprise.. Our ending 30yrs ago was very hurtful to me and took me forever to get over.. He went into the Navy and never heard from him again.. Until now! He is married a 2nd time 2 children but he said he always thought of me. Of course I did not want this to end since I just got him back in my life.. 3 months go by of talking and he finally asked me if we could meet.. I pondered this for weeks and could not control my feelings and had to see him…we met 2 times and yes we were inimate.. The first time we met he told me he isn’t leaving his wife right if the bat? I never brought the subject up? He posted on face book everyday a comment on how he loves his wife and how they date like teenagers after 16yrs of marriage.. And in emails he would tell me all his fantasies about us? My mind was so confused and I was so depressed looking at this day in and day out.. I had a breakdown at work and called my husband ( which at this point very suspicious) to his surprise I told him everything. I could not keep it bottled up inside anymore.. We stated marriage counseling right away.. My husband has stood by my side 24/7 and wants our marriage to work. We had our ups and downs, goods and bad days.. My problem right now is getting my affair partner out of my mind… I know many my sister keeps telling me he just used me and how could I have feelings for him.. I just can not get that through my head yet. So I want my marriage to work.. Yes but no.. At this point in time my mind is so scrambled with emotions I do not know which way to turn.. Any suggestion on how to remove my affair partner from my heart and my brain.. Please! To update you on my affair partner he begged not to tell his wife, that she had cheated on him 2 yes ago.. He is now going to direct all of his attention to is marriage now.. My heart is broken!

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