Good Wednesday to everyone!
One of the therapeutic philosophies that we subscribe to and preach to others in posts and comments is the aspect of working on YOU in your efforts to heal after the affair.
In short, get yourself strong both physically and mentally and prepare for the rough road ahead.
Working on you can encompass many things, like exercise, taking up a hobby, therapy, meditation…the list goes on and on.
With this in mind, here are the discussion points for this week:
Have you been working on YOU after the affair? If so, how?
How has it affected you in your recovery and in your relationship?
How has your spouse/partner reacted to this?
As always, please reply to each other in the comments. Each person leaving a comment is not an isolated incident. Many folks find the comments very helpful.
Thanks again!
Linda & Doug
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56 replies to "Discussion – How Are You Working on YOU After the Affair?"
Great advice, but not always easy to do when not used to putting ‘self’ first….but necessary to start to learn how. Baby steps in this regard NEEDED to happen for me to learn this very new concept of ME (once in a while.)
Today begins the ‘anniversary’ month of the startup of their PA…a VERY difficult time for me so I’ve stepped it up…for me.
I’ve also recently moved out. ‘Comes a time that you will know when it’s time’ (to leave,)…advised my counselor…over all those months of trying.
But continued anger from my H following his poor choices (still) makes me not feel safe. So the ultimate ‘working on ‘us,’ is …’working on me.’ And I’m doing just that…and it’s ‘freeing.’
21 months post DDay#1
It has been a long and hard road to healing after my H’s EAs. The first month was the hardest. I lost 10 lbs in 3 weeks, had migraine headaches that wouldn’t completely go away, frequent nosebleeds (in gushes!!!) anywhere and at anytime. Sometimes it would happen when I was reading on EAs, or when I was talking to my H about his EAs. It once happened while I was talking to my boss! Very embarrassing because the blood gushed out and fell on his desk! This is when I decided I couldn’t get past this trauma alone. I talked to my H and DEMANDED that he help me heal. He hurt me deeply therefore it was his job to get us back to where we once were: A happy newlywed couple who cared only for themselves and would have never opened the door to OW! And it worked. He has been very compassionate and remorseful. He has done all the right things and I show him everyday how much I value his efforts. I feel that if we keep it up trust and forgiveness will eventually come. The good thing is that I don’t obsess so much about the other women, I’m just on alert since he still has to work at times with ALL of them. And he knows it. I will never be sooooo trusting again. As bad as it sound I feel it makes me stronger. Knowledge is power!
Have you been working on YOU after the affair? If so, how?
I’ve taken care of my self physically and emotionally. Physically: eating well, trying to exercise ;), trying to lose weight! Taking up hobbies I left 2 years ago, spending quality time with my H, which fills up my love tank (taken from “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman).
How has it affected you in your recovery and in your relationship?
In a positive way. Our relationship is stronger and better. But only because I refused to do it alone. If my H had not done his share I would have walked out the day I confronted him.
How has your spouse/partner reacted to this?
He thanks me everyday! He has realized that I always loved him. I loved him before when he was distant, selfish at times, and kept me in a constant rollercoaster of emotions. I took it all and worked with it to keep us together. And I loved him even after Dday. Instead of just walking away (though no one could blame for doing it after 26 years of emotional ups and downs) I decided to stay and help him change, help him see that I have always loved him.
My first few thoughts after finding out about the EA were how I didn’t know how to live my life without my husband (not in a suicidal way). I thought that if we divorced, that would be it and I’d just move to the country with my mom. I finally realized what that meant: how fully I’d given over my life to my husband! I learned I needed to take it back — that my marriage and my husband should compliment my life and not define it.
Have you been working on YOU after the affair? If so, how?
I started focusing on myself — what I want, what it takes to get it. I’ve hired a trainer and gotten physically strong and lost weight. I make my thoughts/opinoins known. I don’t give in just to make things easy and I don’t let my husband off the hook to make his life easier.
How has it affected you in your recovery and in your relationship?
My husband once said that it was watching me stand up and take control of my life that made him recommit to the marriage, so I think it’s helped a lot. Sometimes it’s easy to find myself falling back into old patterns — of focusing so much in him and not myself, and I have to watch out for that.
How has your spouse/partner reacted to this?
Very positively. He’s been a big fan. And I’ve been much happier with myself — I’m happy with the way I look and feel, with the direction things are going.
I guess I have not been working on me.
And a big part of that reason is because my H will not take responsibility and “help me heal”. I am still bitter and angry as a rattlesnake.
I go in cycles.
This month is the month I had our baby..last year. It’s also the same month that I opened my H’s phone and found inappropriate sexual pictures of himself and his EA partner…(mind you…while holding my 7 week old infant). I’m pissed off.
What I’ve learned is that he is a fair weather friend. He has taught me that when I need him the most..he will be selfish and cruel.
He has tried to communicate with me in recent weeks. But…for the past year..he’s been giving me what “he thinks I need”. For some reason, I finally found the right combination of words that has helped him open his eyes and take the blinders off…and he’s realizing that I’m heartbroken. So he’s trying his best to do what “he thinks”…needs to be done.
I errupt. I fly off the handle. I’m probably abusive at this point. I don’t even want him to live here anymore. I don’t even think I love him anymore. I fly off at him about every 3 weeks. He blames my period..or he blames my part in our miscommunications and misunderstandings in our relationship while I was pregnant for his “reasons” or his “escape from stress”…he’s still blaming me for his bad choices..then he’ll look at me straight in the face and say he’s NOT blaming me.
It’s over all kinds of things too…like my choice of a babysitter makes him ‘nervous’ or “uncomfortable’…so then he critisizes my parenting capability. Invalidates, minimizes and compartmentalizes..and intellectualizes anything he can in order to avoid feeling or to cop out my feelings of rage and disappointment. I’m weary. I’m swallowing sorrow. My daughter’s infancy and babyhood have been completely ruined.
I’m not sure I’ll ever get through it.
Of course I’m oversensative. Of course I feel invisible, discarded, like a “throw away person”. And for some reason he keeps trying to steal my power by not taking the hit..when I’m angry. It makes me more angry. He’s not remorseful or compassionate..he tries to reason with my feelings of abandonment, invisibility and rage.
I’m ready to give up. He won’t leave. I’m not sure I won’t regret driving him away at this point..but he’s not helping me emotionally. He’s just being a caveman and avoiding it at all corners…or rationalizing his decisions and deliberate and intentional choices.
Not to mention I found out, in FEB, that he has 3…THREE…kids that he never disclosed to me. Not one word. In two years. Not one word. I can’t trust him.
And he’s not being tender and allowing me to be upset and angry and process. 1) found out about the affair 7 weeks post pardum 2) his mother passed away in Nov, he promised me that he was not doing anything…but I found several sexting relationships that he claims where “interactive porn”…none of these stopped until she died, very suddenly 3) found out he has 3 kids he never disclosed to me…What else is he hiding?? What else is he lying about?? Why am I even here??
I’ve learned that I don’t matter to him, unless he can rationalize his behaviors and give away some or most of his blame.
I’m probably over the top today, because I’m so F%^$%^ pissed off and right in the middle of the 1st year anniversary of the first LIE..about his EA.
It’s different when someone you love, your partner cheats on you two days before you give birth to your baby..and then carries on with it for two months after. Abandoned..isn’t even the word for it. I’m not sure there is a word for it.
And disrespect…doesn’t even come close when describing how I feel about him lying to me about children that exist.
I am not doing anything for myself. I rage and rage and rage. I clam up. I shut down. I don’t know what to do?? I’m so lost. I’m heartbroken. Still. Still.
I keep taking one hit after another. I have not had any time to process.
I don’t know what to do or where to turn. I’m completely economically dependent on him until next year..when I graduate and finish my clinical cardiac rotation.
I’m swallowing my heartache and bitterness. I’m so lost.
I cry a lot.
I shut down a lot.
I rage a lot.
I’ve gained 30lbs.
I drink.
I just want my old self back and I can’t do it with him here.
I have a 1 year old daughter to think about, too.
What do I do? Can anyone help me? Anyone? I’m so hurt and tenderhearted.
Jamie, are you in counseling? It sounds like you need someone to talk to…have you confided in a friend or family member?
Recovering from an EA is NOT easy…and trying to do it when your CS is not helping …almost impossible!
I would suggest you take a page from Anna’s book, she told her H to stop feeling sorry for himself and start helping to heal their marriage or he’d have to leave!
Feeling the way you feel is damaging to you and If your H isn’t trying to help then you have to make a decision about having him in your life….and I think you really need to stop drinking, that’s not going to help you OR your daughter!
YOU are in control of this, not your H…you have to show him what you will AND will NOT allow in your relationship!
Jamie, that’s really a horrible story. I do know what it’s like to be so dependent on someone and have them cheat. So they can’t deal with the stress? REALLY? How about our stress? So selfish, I know.
I’d suggest doing the 180. I was told it was on this site somewhere, bt look it up on google – try searching ‘cheating 180) or something, unless someone here knows where it is. It will help you start to detach.
It sounds like you’re stuck wanting him to do something that he isn’t doing. He may be doing things with actions and not words, or he may not be doing anything. That ‘interactive internet porn’ would do it for me, but you are you and you need your own boundries.
You can’t control what he does, but you can control your reaction. You really need to decide if you want to be married to him or not. If so, you should work on the marriage to make it what you want. If not, work on you and think of him as a roommate until you can leave.
I’m really sad that you’re still so angry. At one year out I was very angry too. You’re the only one that can end it.
Jamie, your story sounds just awful. I can’t imagine the stress you’ve been through. I agree that an understanding counselor or trustworthy friend could be a great help to you as you try to work out what your next steps will be. I hope you’ll concentrate on what’s best for you and your daughter. Please think about whether you want to remain married to this man or not. This decision is for you. Only you can say whether you want to rebuild with him or not. It’s not his choice at this point; it’s yours.
I don’t know if this story is helpful or not, but I have a good friend who went through something similar. She went to the hospital to give birth to her first child; the labor was very difficult and she wound up having an emergency c-section. Her H said he was tired that first night in the hospital and supposedly went home to rest. He came back the next day — while she was still in hospital with their newborn son — and said he’d been having an affair with her best friend, that he’d spent the night with the OW the previous night, and that he was divorcing her to be with the OW. So my friend was left in the hospital with a two-day old baby, a major incision, a betrayal from best friend and H — awful. To make matters worse, her H would have nothing to do with his son. And she works in a career that is very demanding the first 5 years. Basically, you’ve got 5 years to prove yourself; if you do, your job is made secure, and if you don’t, you’re fired.
Here’s the ending of the story: she got support from parents and friends; she worked her a** off taking good care of her son and doing a good job at work; her work colleagues were horrified at the way her ex-H had treated her and supported her in her recovery — and she got the job security she’d worked for. I saw her recently; she’s dating someone, a very nice, handsome man who adores her and respects her for all she’s been through, for her maturity and her hard work at recovering and building a good life for her son.
I’m sorry to go on about this, but my hope is that the story might be inspiring somehow. My friend too hit rock bottom — or rather, she was shoved down to rock bottom — but she was able to rise again, and so can you.
Jamie,
I’m sure it’s hard for you to get out of the house with the baby, but you can go on this website and talk to Dougs wife linda about the issues that you are having. There is a fee of 25.00 a month but I’m sure she will help you a great deal.
I too felt like I hit rock bottom but with the support of great friends and family I pulled myself up. I didn’t think I could make it without my H. He pulled me down for years with the verbal abuse that I took from him. My mother even said after I told her I filed for divorce that she didn’t know how I took the verbal abuse for so long. Both her and my dad witnessed it.
After I witnessed my 20 year old having a panic attack after hearing his dad say that he doesn’t want me or our marriage, I knew it was the end. I couldn’t deal with my children being hurt anymore.
I got myself a part time job, filed for divorce and went on vacation. I pulled my self out no more will he win.
Today I got a call that the full time possition that I put in for was mine!!
Pull yourself up, Jamie. Do it for yourself and your baby. It’s a great feeling. Good luck.
I
Oh my goodness, Rachel, I’m sooooo happy for you!! Congrats on the new job! You’re gonna be OK, you really are! And maybe I shouldn’t say this…but I’m happy you filed for divorce! You’re taking your life back, honey and it’s a beautiful thing!! 😀
Teresa,
Thank you. I’m happy too. Finally!! I don’t know where the strength comes from but it feels good. He called me some pretty ugly choice wordsyesterday, that you canjust imagine.The ugliest of all and I didn’t get mad, didn’t throw anything just saw the anger in his eyes and walked away with a little grin on his face. He didn’t get me to react. It didn’t work for him. My attorney said don’t engage and I didn’t . This made him furious. Things aren’t going his way like they have for 25 years when he controled me.
Jamie,
“I cry a lot.
I shut down a lot.
I rage a lot.
I’ve gained 30lbs.
I drink.”
I am 14 months out from finding out about my husband’s 2 year PA and I still do all of these things… I have gained the weight too, after losing 20lb after first finding out… I no longer cry in front of him, and the alcohol eats up the grocery bill… I have done NOTHING for me, but EVERYTHING for US! I feel like I am turning into him when I do something for just me… selfish! I know I don’t need him in the way I used to, but now I feel more dependent on him than I did before… does that makes sense? He always hated that I was so independent, despite that being one of the reasons that he says he fell in love with me. I can take care of myself, but now I find I need his validation more than ever! I am so insecure, and NOT because I am comparing myself to it, but because I wasn’t enough for him… counseling for me didn’t work. I just kept getting “what you are feeling is normal”, and I needed HELP, not validation from someone who didn’t matter emotionally to me. I have cut back on the drinking, and one day will come when hopefully you will too, but the food is always there… funny how I used to deal with stress by NOT eating, and now… and I am tired…. soooooo tired! All of the time. I have nightmares and bad dreams still…. I guess it just comes down to that we don’t trust them, and we don’t trust ourselves. We feel like we knew them better than who they turned out to be. I don’t know how we are supposed to get passed this… one day we will, though… I am embarrassed that I chose someone who could do this to me. I am embarrassed and humiliated that he could be so sick and LIKE being with someone who was so immoral! Someone I wouldn’t even CONSIDER being friends with! And he was INTIMATE with it! GROSS! We lost our specialness to them in our eyes… just remember that YOU are special because of YOU! YOU would NEVER do to him anything close to what he has done to you! Your baby is YOUR gift, not his gift to you! You will get through… you have too for your baby!! You are NOT alone… always remember that!!
ChangedForever, that sounds like a final moving-out? Or are you leaving the door open, going away to work on you and then see where things are? I’ve just sorted a flat for a month in a different city (where I work), but both me and my partner have recognised the need for it (9 months post-D-day). Much as WriterWife says, there’s a job to get a relationship back to ‘complementing your life, not defining it.’ At the moment, I’m wondering whether relationships so intense that they define your whole life can ever manage to last the distance. I don’t know. Perhaps they’re too destructive to the self, and it just rebels. That’s one of things I’m hoping to learn in the next month…!
So yes: are you feeling it’s over, or have you been able to talk about getting space and seeing? You say he’s still responding with anger…?
Natalia, 26 years? Again, seems like taking a stand, drawing lines you won’t cross, seems to instill some kind of newfound respect and love! Did you have any time out to yourself, or did you get get through pursuing new things like going back to old hobbies?
WriterWife, I’d just say again – that’s strikingly similar to what we’ve been coming to think. Some friends in a long-term relationship relayed one of their parents’ takes on how it works best: two lines moving close in parallel, but not so tangled you can’t tell them apart. Up to now, I’d always thought, “bah! I LOVE being this tangled!” But the reality seems to be that leaves things waaay too vulnerable, as well as causing the kind of pressure cooker environment that leads to things going wrong. Not sure, may change my mind on that in the next month…
Have you been working on YOU after the affair? If so, how?
Like a lot of others, physical exercise. Aside from that – up to now – I’ve not done very well. Working from home a lot hasn’t helped. This month in my work city will be the biggest step I’ve taken for myself. Really, it’s an incredible luxury to be able to have this space. We have no kids – trying to do all this while dealing with keeping your family going day-to-day… wow, some people are just incredibly strong and brave.
How has it affected you in your recovery and in your relationship?
Well, I thought I was working on me but wasn’t really, it turns out. That hasn’t gone well! Stresses piled up, had a mini-breakdown last week, and now I’m getting away. Moral of the story: concentrate on you much earlier, if you’re reading this!
It’s a very hard thing to do, perhaps especially for those who’ve got particularly tangled: when it comes to the crunch, doing the comfortable thing you’re so used to can seem awfully tempting, and the alternatives awfully dark and scary. But try and listen to yourself; seek out the little things you’re saying quietly to yourself – find the time at least to do that, away from all distraction. Write here or keep a journal. I’ve discovered old-fashioned pen and paper helps particularly.
How has your spouse/partner reacted to this?
We’re in agreement we BOTH need to work on ourselves – to ‘re-orient’ ourselves. I feel very lucky in that respect. At the moment at least, it feels like whatever happens next there’ll be no bitterness. But ask me in a week when I’m sat alone in my little flat and worrying about how she’s reacting to being left alone in the same place as the OM…
To Dol…moved out to work on me, vs. ‘us’ for a while. I’ve done my 21 months of ‘time…’ Now it’s his turn to step it up. We went out last night after work…but i am back at my other house now. In the midst of an excruciatingly bad month of ‘anniversary’ dates but it doesn’t seem to be taking such a toll now that I’m ‘out of the environment’ where it all happened (where I was living – lots of bad cheating-related memories there…) That seems to help a little – change of scenery and grounding.
Dol — I used to feel the exact same way, that I loved being so tangled with my husband. We enjoy spending time together and doing most everything together. But I never realized when I started depending so much on him — not making decisions without discussing with him first, deferring to him on so much.
The big thing for me was my career — he’s been very supportive and helpful (until last year). I didn’t know how to actually do this job without him, I was always second-guessing myself. That’s how dependent I’d gotten.
A book that really helped me with this was Intimacy & Desire by Dr. Schnarch. It talked about how we come to rely on others to reflect what we need and how it’s completely unsustainable. And that’s exactly what happened with us — my husband loved the way I loved him and thought highly of him but after a while it wasn’t enough. So he turned to another woman to give him that feeling (a reflected sense of self — you see yourself not through your own eyes, but through someone else’s.).
I had to become the kind of person who would be happy and successful alone or with my husband.
I have definitely been working on myself. I have a counselor who has been incredibly helpful. I keep a journal. I also started a blog where I’ve been writing about some of the lessons I’ve learned in the past 15 months. I’ve taken up yoga and I love it. H is also seeing a counselor, has taken up a new hobby and is more engaged at home and at work. We’re doing more as a couple (alone), and are enjoying our family life (travel, frisbee in the park, etc.).
I think the key to recovering from an affair is to use it as a chance to mature and grow, individually and as a couple. If one person does this and the other person doesn’t, I’m not sure the marriage can survive because the person who has grown will leave behind the partner who didn’t (emotionally and psychologically). We’ve both been extremely supportive and interested in the other person’s growth, and it has given us lots of fodder for discussion and increased intimacy.
We no longer focus on the details of the affair, or even the hows and whys (we’ve already discussed this at great length)–unless one of us has a new realization or breakthrough of some kind, which is fairly rare at this point. Instead, we focus on ourselves and our personal steps for growth. My anger has dissipated and I feel more secure, in myself and in the marriage.
I think we are coming out of this stronger than ever, despite the pain of the affair itself. We both feel like the other has changed and evolved, which has transformed the marriage. It has also facilitated the rebuilding of trust because I know that he has learned a lot about himself and he now realizes that his reasons for getting involved with someone else had to do with him, not with me. He is addressing those issues, so it gives me a sense of security to know that he is no longer vulnerable in the same way he was before. He’s got new tools for dealing with complex feelings and that he’s grown up as a man–he’s in a different mental space.
Taking care of myself has been an enormous step on the path to recovery. It keeps the discussion forward-looking, not backward-looking and creates an upward spiral.
Working on me? Well, working out, taking on some hobbies, etc. Mentally? I’ve realized I am responsible for my actions. I am responsible for being angry, dwelling on things, making my own life miserable by refusing to take a step away from th affair.
It’s so easy to get stuck in ‘deserving’ something because we were betrayed. I finally asked myself what my H could do to make me feel sooooo much better. The answer was nothing. It had to come from me. I had to be the one to end it.
Do I still think about it? Yes. Do I still bring it up if I need to? Yes. But do I let it rule my life? No, not anymore.
Perfectly put LOAF:
“I finally asked myself what my H could do to make me feel sooooo much better. The answer was nothing. It had to come from me. I had to be the one to end it.”
Livingonafence, once again your words speak to me.
For a long time I was convinced that I needed an apology from my former best friend. I felt like if she was even a little bit sorry for what she had done I would feel better. You know what I finally got that apology and it helped for a while but then I just transferred my anger and hurt to my husband and what I am finally just now realiezing is I that I need to forgive myself I need to give myself permission to be ok. A shitty thing happened but I will not let it define me.
I can choose to be mad, sad, angry, the victim in all this OR I can take this chance to have the type of life I have always wanted, I can turn this around and take this second chance to be the person I know I am and to allow my husband to be the same, to allow us to learn and grow and flourish in the wake of something that didn’t destroy us and has made us stronger.
It’s hard don’t get me wrong, it’s so much easier to think they did this horrible thing to me and I deserve better, I’m a little ashamed to admit that sometimes I do want my H to feel as badly as I do at times, I want him to feel my pain in hoped that he will undersatand and other times it’s easier to ignore my husband rather than engage because then I’m protecting my heart. But at what cost, who wants to live that way?
I have read every post in the past year and a half and although I don’t often post myself I am so thankful for this safe place.
p.s. to answer Linda’s question, I have realiezed that I can’t be a good wife and mother if I don’t take care of me first, I go to the gym, I attend yoga classes, I read a lot, and I spend time with friends and family, sometimes alone and sometimes as a family unit and most importantly I confide in my friends. My therapist told me it was a source of strength that given what happened with my former best friend that I am still trusting of my friends, and I agree, they picked me up, held me and helped build me back up and never once questioned any decisions I’ve made along the way.
Lol…Good for you! Im glad your’re listening to your lawyer! Your H has controlled you for months now, and I’m happy to see you standing up to him! Better things are down the road for you and your sons….and your soon to be ex….he’s gonna have a pretty miserable existence!
I’m sure your boys won’t want anything to do with him so he’ll have no one! Sad, pathetic little man!
Is he still living in the house with you, or has he finally moved out like he’s threatened so many times?
I don’t even know where to began working on myself. I have lost my health, my military career, my grandmother was in and out of the hospital and I was the only family member to take care of her, my mother was diagnosed with heart issues and thyroid cancer and during it all my Husband was pushing me further away. After all that, I get struck up side the head with my H having an EA.
I feel like my world is caught in a tornado and no matter how hard I try to grab onto something solid, all I can grab is air. I want to get in my car and just drive and never look back. I didnt ask to get sick with an illness that would take Dr.’s over two years to figure out. No one cared about me losing a career that was my life! While I was trying to rebuild some form of normal life for my family and asking them all the time what I could do to make things better for them, I was being pushed further away until I was made to feel that I didnt matter to anyone here.
Then when I finally do fall apart and tell my husband that I can’t take it anymore, instead of pulling me closer, he has an affair. Now that it is all out in the open and he has hurt me to an unmanageable depth, he has realized that he loves me and wants to be right here with me. How in the heck to you place that?? I want to be on solid ground again. I want to stop crying all the time. I want to quit being angry. I don’t want to feel abandoned or like my life is nothing but a shell of what it was.
How does one work on themselves when you feel so darn empty? I have made an appointment to see my own counselor and I pray that I can find some help because I can’t keep on like this.
KelBelly, how long has it been since you found out about your husbands cheating? I am just curious. We are 9 months past D Day and I still get angry though not as often. Actually, with the exception of anger upon my discovery of his cheating I did not get REALLY ANGRY until about 4 months or so after. It is part of the recovery process and actually a good step. Have you read the posts here discussing the Stages of Grief Recovery? If you put that in the search bar , several will show up. I found them tremendously useful in that I could recognize that what I was experiencing was normal. Also, I am suppose I am fortunate in that my husband also was willing to read and learn about what I was and am still going through. It is indeed a roller coaster of emotions and all I can hope is that time will continue to help. I and my husband both see a MC , alone and together, and it has helped tremendously. But again, that has been for almost 9 months and I still struggle. Now a lot of our focus it is about getting past resentments both from our relationship prior to his cheating and of course because of it.
Your story saddens me and in some ways I can relate. My own chronic illness and being hospitalized immediately prior to his beginning his infidelity, the family crisis (death, illness) and then being struck with the news of my H’s cheating, all in a few months time. With a new baby, I cannot imagine the hell. We do have a child with multiple health issues and that has been a stressor on our relationship for years prior to his cheating.
I admit, I have bought several books on grief recovery, relationship building, self esteem, etc but have yet read them all through and had the ability to completely focus on MYSELF. That is what I am trying to do now, I just had to get past this last July as it was a an entire month filled with horrible triggers. Not that I wasn’t trying before, I just couldn’t really focus on my own personal growth until i knew I could make it through that. I am glad you are seeing a counselor on your own and I hope that step will be the first towards beginning to recover from this awful hand you were dealt. If your husband is willing to see one or at least be open to assisting you in recovering from his betrayal that is really essential. And even if he is not you still need to do your own work for your own sake.
I wish I could tell you HOW to do this when you feel so empty but I can’t. But there is so much support and resources on this site that I hope you can find what you need to help keep you going as you try 🙂
Onmyway, thank you. It has been 4 months since D-Day. There are many better days but when I have a bad day, its a good one lol! I have read here that seems to be a difficult time for a lot of couples.
My husband has been pretty good about doing what he needs to do to help me get through this and to make sure it is not a road he will not go down again but it just seems that some days that is not enough and those days are hard to get through.
We are both in counseling separately and together occasionally and it seems to help quite a bit. I think the more tools we get,l the better we will be. This site has been great to go through and be able to see that I am not alone in my craziness.
Do you seem to feel better about everything after 9 months? My main problem is trusting what my husband is offering. He was so distant for so long that its hard to believe that he really wants to be here with me. I think this and letting myself trust him again have been the hardest.
KelBelly, sorry it took me a couple of days to get back to you. I didn’t forget you, though as I had come by and checked the day before you posted back 🙂 I am glad to hear you and your husband are seeking support as I know it has helped us, too.
Yes, 4 months seems to be a turning point of sorts where all of a sudden you may have doubts that surface as to whether things will ever be okay and maybe even more importantly, the anger. Of course there were the initial weeks of shock and awe anger but after that my husband seemed to be committed to accepting what he did and trying to make amends. There was a honeymoon period for awhile and I felt very hopeful. (That does not mean I stopped checking his phone or had no doubts, by the way). I could not grasp why at around 4 months I began to feel angry, despondent and depressed. It was probably at about 5 months (May) that I went back and re-read a post here from February that made me understand what was happening and that it was normal! Funny thing is that I had read that post in February but it hadn’t registered with me as much because I was still so newly into all of this.
I would really recommend going back through the old posts that you can access and seeing if anything strikes a note with you from time to time. I have to say that both my husband and I have read or re-read things at just the right time that helped to clarify an issue we are having at that moment. That is why I am so glad the archive of old threads are here! So much to learn from.
That being said, I have to say that even at 9 months out no, I do not fully trust my husband. It makes me sad to say as much. It is not so much that I don’t trust that he is not, or has not been, in contact with the other woman. I don’t believe he has. It is like you said, doubt that I can fully trust in his commitment to our marriage after having cheated and the previous years of him being distant at times and inconsistant in his respect and love for me. We did not have a perfect marriage before his cheating though not in a million years did I ever think he would do what he did. So I, and he, are both working on those lingering resentments and trying to move past them as well as the cheating. It’s a lot of work and difficult at best. Not that there are not some great times in between. I do not find myself having the “affair” triggers ( I really don’t like that word, affair, too flowery for something so vile) I was having even 2 months ago and when I do they seem to be more related to my general sense of insecurity in our relationship secondary to what was going on before his cheating.
Even though we have had some knock down drag out fights the last 2 months (after a couple months of next to none) I feel it is part of this whole process. All we can do is continue to look at our own actions as we move forward and be accountable for them. That is my rational brain speaking as sometimes I do feel crazy. pissed and mean. It’s about learning what your boundaries are and not settling for less while still giving your CS the respect they deserve as someone you love and you know in your heart loves you ,too , despite what they did.
I know I said a lot here again! I will come back by and see if you have seen my reply. I do read all the new posts as they are shared here by Doug and Linda even though I do not always comment. Should you want to talk , give me a shout out on one of the new posts and in the mean time I will keep an eye out for you. I really wish you and your husband luck as you continue your healing 🙂
Oh, and I am a member of the Higher Healing Forum. Not sure if you are? I do check it about 2x a week. If I see you there I will say hello!
Nothing really seems to make sense yet. I think we get to a point where I can see how things got to where they did but nothing quite fits together to make a perfect picture and I sometimes wonder if it ever will.
I haven’t become a member of the higher healing forum yet as I don’t think I have reached that level yet. I am still in a very reactive phase and have much to work through.
I don’t miss where my marriage had gone this past year or the few years before that but I do miss the marriage that I had where I trusted it and my H. Like everyone else, I never saw my H having an affair. He was the nice guy that you marry after dating all the a-holes. It is exhausting always being on hyper focus and wondering now if you are doing things right or wrong and if you are going to do or say something that is going to send your husband down the affair path again.
I told my H the other day that it was not him I wanted to leave but all the pain that his affair caused because it was so overwhelming. That is where the whirlwind effect comes in and where there never seems to be any solid walls to grab.
I find that coming here on days that I am having a hard time seems to help me put things in perspective before I blow at my husband lol!! I am slowly getting back into doing things I enjoy and trusting my H to be home by himself so I think that we are taking baby steps.
I think the hardest thing that has been to get past is all the things he said to her. I can understand cyber sex and dirty talking but it was the intimacy of their talks and how personal they got. He said it was just a game and not real but I have since showed him just how real what he said was.
Kelbelly, I, too had the nice guy after a ton of ass holes who cheated. I think on a lot of cases truly are where motive meets opportunity, as they say. He knew I trusted him, and knew I wouldn’t check up on him. So other than his morals, values, and soul he really had nothing to lose. As least so he thought. I honestly believe that most humans can’t really handle complete trust from another person. To paraphrase Jack Nicholson, “You can’t handle the Trust!”
Onmyway, No worries about taking time to write back, I totally get the busy thing lol. I run a daycare and have a son in sports so I know a little about crazy busy :O)
I was going to say also that there seems to be times that i can handle things and then at other times, I feel like I am going to lose my mind with anger and that worries me a lot. Will that part ever end?
KelBelly – the losing your mind with anger does eventually happen less often, has less intensity and is easier to cope with over time.
well it has been like that for me, I know everyone and their situation is different.
Gizfield, I think there is some truth. I use to think that people who always questioned their spouse or needed to always know where they were were insecure and I never wanted to be that way. Boy have I had an eye opener there and now see it all in a different light.You would think that once we grew up that we would be able to keep ourselves in check or be able to voice when things are bugging us but it seems to get harder for some people the older they get.
Absolutely, kel, and I truthfully hate doing it myself.! I was in contact with the silly tramp he cheated with one time. She called me “insecure” because I was “snooping” on him. Say what?? I said I was only snooping cause he was sneaking around. Ughhhh, what a low class broad. I think one thing that bothers me is that she is so low class and nasty, but then I remind myself if she weren’t low class and nasty she wouldn’t “date” married men!
Chiffchaff, it is definitely getting better overall but sometimes the intensity is scary at what depth I feel anger over it all. That is one of the things I am working on in counseling so hopefully I will find a way to place it :O)
Thats funny what you say about the OW Gizfield. I talked to the one my H had the EA with and she told me if I told her Husband about everything that I would ruin her life! Really because I thought she did a great job of that on her own. I think the thing that teed me off the most is that I actually felt guilty about the thought of telling him!
I just wish my witch had somebody to tell, Kelbelly! Apparently, she can’t keep anyone long enough for me to tell them about her. Lol, my husband said her first husband cheated on her and so she would never do that to anyone!!! Wtf??? I guess they were married, he may have just been a Baby Daddy. Her latest boyfriend dumped her as well, supposedly after she admitted being a Call Girl at one point. He sure knows how to pick em, lol. Husband says they didnt have sex because she has such “high morals,”. That is one of my favorite memories of all this. I laughed right in his face and said “just so you know, if she didnt f### k you, it’s cause she didnt want to!”
See, that is where my dilemma lays. Should I tell her spouse and here is my thought on that. She does not know anything about my H really and was ready to leave her husband for him. She has two little girls and what happens if she meets some suave creep from the deep on the internet and he gets his hands on her babies.
I could care less about choices she made if it were just her but I cant quit thinking about the kids.
JOY = Jesus, Others, You. That is a sign in my Sunday School class at church. Last night our message was on the fact that as Christians we need to help others find their way from sin. Ourselves as well. I dont believe we should ignore others who are involved in adulterous relationships if there is a way we can help.
Kelbelly, I think it is wonderful that you are concerned for those children. I think the compassionate thing to do would be to let the husband know what is going on. I certainly wish someone had told me. Affairs definitely bring danger to a family and this would give him a chance to try and work on the marriage before it’s too late, if possible.
Kelbelly. I disagree with anyone who thinks that you should let the spouse of the OW know about the affair. There will be harm to the children, no doubt, and you will be responsible for it. Don’t fool yourself into believing that the harm is due to the affair. It’s going to be due to its revalation to the children’s father. That said, I have no problem with you letting the OW know that if she in any way threatens your marriage ever again (which might mean any contact with your H), you will then let her H know what you know.
It has been hard for me to see my W’s EA partner not have to deal with his W the way that my W and I have had to deal with each other after EA discovery. But his W has no doubt had to deal with all the crappy aspects of having a partner engaging in an EA, even if she did not actually know that the EA was occurring, and hopefully now that the EA has been ended, her relationship with her cheating H is better than it was during the EA. To expose the now ended EA would cause more harm to the other marriage and no doubt negatively impact the lives of the OM’s W and children, with no real benefit to me or my family. I have chosen to not cause such harm and pain, although this choice came with the caveat that the OM stay away from me and my family, which he has done. My choice, only, and just wanted you to have my thoughts in this regard.
Personally, Healing Mark, that sounds like “blackmail” to me.it’s harmful to children that the truth is known, but only if the person contacts your spouse? Knowledge of an affair is more harmful than the affairitself? Are you serious? I stand by what I say that the children are more protected if the father is aware of the mother’s action. People learn from the consequences of their actions, so this mother will learn nothing from this experience except how easy it was to get away with. Just MY thoughts.
Gizfield. I don’t believe that I said that “knowledge of an affair is more harmful than the affair itself” or anything like this. But if I did, I did not mean that. What I tried to point out is that the H and children do not know about the affair (we assume at this point), so the occurrence of the affair is presumably harming them somewhat, but near as much as it will once it becomes known. The additional harm and pain that occurs once the affair becomes known is caused by the party making the disclosure, whether it’s the CS or someone else.
Yes!!! I was blackmailing the OM. Since he was a friend of mine until he got too friendly with my W, I knew how much he did not want his W and children finding out what he and my W had been doing. Shoot, he told me as much and begged me not to tell his W or any of our mutual friends, and also swore that he would discontinue all contact with my W other than occasionally bumping into us at public events. Between you and me, my threat to expose the existence of the EA to his W and others was a very, very idle threat. Just me, but I could not be responsible for bringing to his W and children (assuming that his children would find out, which may or may not have occurred if I just told the W) the pain and suffering I went through after I discovered the prior existence of my W’s EA (I can’t imagine what it might have been like to have discovered it while it was still going on!).
Finally, I agree that people learn from the consequences of their actions. The only question is whether you, as the person who can expose an affair, want to be the one who causes a person to suffer such consequences. And, it will not just be the CS learning from such consequences, but also her BS learning the hell that is joining the BS club.
Ok, Healing Mark, it sounds like we are on the same page, kind of! Lol, I cracked up when you said “yes, I was blackmail ing him”. I guess we all have to do what we have to do . I just wish that if anyone had known about my husbands cheating they had told me. And yes, this skank continues to run around unknown to be the slime she is, as does my husband. Everyone has a different opinion on what to do in these situations and if I misinterpreted yours, I do apologize :~)
Gizfield. No apologies necessary. Differences of opinion are not necessarily bad, of course. Glad I could make you laugh! I wanted to.
The difficulty with a site like this is that the infidelities that we are all dealing with are often so different from each other. So what “works” for one person isn’t always going to work for another. Couple that with how different it appears the BS’s are on this site (and by “different” I mean how the BS’s react differently to things and feel differently about things), and you quickly realize that there really is no one shop cure for the ills of an affair discovery. Probably no different than if you perused an Alanon site or a gamblers anonymous site.
Interesting that you wish someone who had known about your H’s affair would have told you about it. I don’t know that I share this sentiment. Actually, if the affair was still going on, I would have liked to have been told about it. But if the affair had ended, as my W’s EA had, and somebody had told me about it, I would have, in hindsight, rather have not been told. I suspected the existence of the EA (she was becoming closer and closer to the OM and, in a kind of sick way, taking actions to get our families more involved together including going out with the OM and his W on kind of double dates – Ewww), and confronted her on several occasions, all of which she denied having an affair and recited the all too familiar mantra of “We’re just good friends.”. Finally, the EA became something she no longer wanted to continue, although, of course, she and the OM were never doing anything wrong, and she and the OM cooled it and my W and I started marriage counseling. Had I not discovered the prior existence of the EA, my life and my W’s life would have been so much better. That said, the discovery of the existence of the EA has led to us being happier being married now than we were before, just with a lot of hurt and struggles along the way.
Love your posts, so keep them coming and take care.
Hi Healing Mark – I have said since the beginning that I would rather know the truth, no matter how much it hurt. But I see your point and I empathize. My husband had also ended the affair before I found out. In his own way, he was trying to make it up to me without me knowing anything. He bought me the house of my dreams, a new car, diamonds, and a fabulous third honeymoon trip. He slowly started returning to a more normal self, instead of the angry, depressed and emotionally abusive man he had become during his affair.
On that honeymoon trip, we stood one day in the middle of DuPont Circle in Washington DC and I told him that I was so lucky to be married to him. I was so happy. I thought that God had answered my prayers and was bringing my husband out of the depression he had suffered for so long.
We were still on that trip when I found the emails. Life was hell for a long time, and I still suffer after 22 months. 22 months today.
I still sometimes daydream about waking up and finding that this had all been a bad dream. So I understand your view, HM. But would I really want to have lived in ignorant bliss? Like you said, we are all so different. My answer is no. I would rather live in truth and deal with the problems. I think the problems involved with him betraying me would have cropped up somehow, somewhere.
But that’s just me.
Hope you are well. Sending my love & prayers to you…
I agree, knowing the truth is better. I suffered what I consider a Significant trauma in my early 20s and still to this day I think I am more hurt by secrecy than I am the events themselves. Short story is my parents adopted me as a baby and somewhere along the line decided not to tell me. My grandmother developed Alzheimers and got access to a phone when I was in college and spilled the beans. You can’t even begin to imagine how creepy is it for just about everyone you know to know a basic truth about you when you dont know it. not to mention the fact they are all lying to you. I became VERY distrustful of everyone. Secrets and lies always come out. It’s like a double betrayal rolled into one.
Thank you, I enjoy your posts as well. I definitely agree the differences of opinion are helpful because they help me clarify my own thoughts. Everyone has experiences that are different while they are usually very similar. The oddest thing to me about my experience was that my husband actually confessed to me! Arg, what is up with that.? Said he wanted adivorce, but when I said I didnt he backed out of it very easily. The chick was not married so that was not a deterrent. I found out through my “snooping” later that even though I left about 7 p.m. and was gone til the next afternoon that he didnt even call her. He sent her an email right before I got home, saying he needed to “talk” to her. Doesn’t sound like the world’s greatest love affair or anything. I may ask him one day just exactly he was planning to say. I sometimes still wish I had let him go on, because no matter what anyone says staying is much harder than leaving.
Gizfield – It sure is harder to stay than to leave. I read that very early on after D-day, but it didn’t really sink in until much later. This is the hardest journey of my life, and like you, I’ve been through some doozies.
Blessings to you –
DJ,
I feel the exact opposite, I think it takes strenght to leave a
unhealthy relationship behind and start a life of your own,
Its expensive and you still have to grieve a divorce also.
A affair can be kept quiet, with a divorce everyone knows.
Childrens lives are changed and custody hearings, and
child support. I was fortunate my children were older and this wasn’t a issue.
Believe me DJ, leaving is much more harder, however
long term I would agree that leaving made me happier.
Hey Anita – I do see your point. I have said often on my blog that there is misery in staying, and there is misery in leaving. There is no win, and no way to measure out the pain. Pain fills everything it comes in contact with.
A close friend of mine left her husband after his affair. We often spend time together and tell each other our troubles. We both suffer.
I guess I was thinking about the long-term effects as I near the two-year mark, and it is just as you said. Long term, it seems that many people who leave are able to come to a sense of closure that is elusive for many who stay.
As I write this, however, I am reminded of another friend who left his wife several years ago. He is still miserable. I suppose we each walk our own journey.
My daughter is looking at the issue of divorce right now. And again I say, there is misery in staying. There is misery in leaving.
Healing Mark said “The only question is whether you, as the person who can expose an affair, want to be the one who causes a person to suffer such consequences.”
I don’t see it that way…the CHEATER is the one that will cause their spouse to suffer, not the person who exposes the affair…as a BS who was the last to know, since my H’s two family members knew about it and helped to hide the EA…I would have been even more MORTIFIED and HURT to find out later, AFTER we had visited his family! I don’t wish this on anyone, it’s horrible to recover from, but a BS has the right to know, IMO!
I agree that if the CS is not caught the first time, they will be more encouraged to do it the next time, IF the opportunity presents itself!
Kelbelly,
Its more important for you to focus on your own healing,
and overcoming this hurt. You have been hurt and you need to heal from this. This journey will change you,
however its your choice as to become bitter or get better.
Forgiveness heals and makes you better, unforgiveness
is a poision that makes you bitter, and its only hurts you.
We overcome evil with good, and we leave God to do the
vengeance. So there’s no need to concern yourself with
this other couple.
Kelbelly,
In my past I was once married to a man who was unfaithful to me. But that’s not what I am posting about,
its about, how to heal from the pain of being betrayed, it
doesn’t matter wheather your married or single, its all the
same process of needing to heal.
When others mistreat us we have the choice to internalize that hurt and let it take over everthing in our daily lives, or
we can forgive them and let it become part of the past.
Let this be a journey of you getting closer to God, and learning the powerfulness of his presence in your life,
let this be a stepping stone for you to begin a whole new
journey. Its the most important journey you will ever make,
and its important not to let your husbands affair overtake
the time you need to spend with God, don’t let this affair
become your life, take your life back, and give God that
time. You will never regret it.
Kelbelly,
Which is more important God, or this other woman???
Which is more important God, or your husband’s affair???
When you give that time to God, your husband’s past affair
with this other woman, is no longer filling your time or attention, instead God heals those wounds and your given the keys to freedom. You have those keys and its up to you
to let yourself out of that prison. Don’t let his past affair
keep you in that prison, use God’s keys to freedom, and
let this go, so it becomes the past. Only you can do this,
and its up to you to decide how long you want to dwell in the past, the longer you stay in the past, your losing out
on a new day. Live for today, yesterday is gone.
Kelbelly,
It also just as important for your husband to understand why he behaved in the manner that he did. He needs to
address this so the next time when temptation occurs he runs from it instead of getting entangled in it. I also hope
he uses this as a opportunity to have his own spirtual growth in the Lord, instead of an affair.
It would be nice if we lived in a perfect world and infidelity never happened. Since we live in this world, at some point in time our lives will feel the effect of some kind of pain. Its important to learn from this, and take away the lessons of it.
For the cheating spouse, I hope that they have a full understanding of themselves so they will make better
choices in the future, and exercise self control, so this
never happens again.
For the betrayed spouse, I hope they can see past all of this and understand that their spouses affair was a choice their spouse made, and to forgive them. Also understanding that by giving their spouse a second chance
there are no guarantee’s.
However if the couple decides to save the marriage, the cheating spouse needs to work on themselves along with excersing self control and learn to run from temptation, instead of enternating it.
The betrayed spouse needs to forgive, so the affair doesn’t
steal the happiness, joy and peace from them.
I know that some marriages survive infidelity and others
go their separate ways.
The most important thing I have learned from this all,
was I can only control me, and I have learned to have
happiness, peace and joy. I have also learned not to
let others steal my joy. I have the keys to freedom when
I can forgive others and live the life God intended for me
to have. I choose the level of happiness I want to live in.
I wish everyone much happiness, peace and joy.
Take care of yourselfs.
For the cheating spouses, the happiest marriages I have seen are the ones where there is no adultery, addictions or abuse, Since this site deals with infidelity, I can only
say that I hope the cheating spouse can understand that
adulterty addictions and abuse are hurtful to themselves and to others. This self destructive behavior is the cause of many broken relationships including divorces.
When infidelity happens yes the betrayed spouse needs to
forgive wheather you stay or leave. However its also important to know if the cheating spouse has overcome
this self destructive behavior, your marriage can not heal
if adultery, addictions or abuse is present.
The cheating spouse really has to understand that their
behavior only weakned the marriage, and they need to
address that illness, so they can become a better spouse.
Betrayed spouses forgive them wheather you stay or leave.
Betrayed Spouses,
Make sure that if you stay with your cheating spouse
that your cheating spouse fully understands their destructive behavior, and that you understand that by giving them a second chance there are no guarantee’s.
Addictions, Adultery, and Abuse is something that should never be tolerated in any relationship, if you choose to stay
with that person, you are doing this at your
own risk, I believe in second chances, however its only
after the person has proven themselves and no longer do
this self destructive behavior.
The title of this web page is How are you working on you
after the affair, I only see the betrayed spouses posting
and not the cheating spouse. It should be the cheating
spouse working on this also and the betrayed working on forgiveness. Betrayed spouses you are worth them
doing this work, and if they’re not then you need to free
yourself from them. You need to realize your own value and
worth. No relationship is worth you being cheated on,
and its easier to stay with that person verses standing up for yourself and leaving that unhealthy relationship behind.
Addictions, abuse, and adultery should never be tolerated.