After your spouse’s affair perhaps you received an apology of sorts, but you don’t feel as if your partner completely understands how that betrayal affected you. You may even doubt the sincerity of their apology or even your ability to accept one.

The purpose of an apology is to help mend any emotional damage the victim has experienced as well as to help repair the relationship bond.  For some people, saying their sorry to anything is very difficult.

Relationship experts say that the most important part of an apology is the sincerity behind it. Otherwise, it’s empty words.  Those words need to come with some emotion in order to have a positive impact.

The folks at Marriage Sherpa offer  the following 4 clues that could indicate that you are receiving a good apology. 

Clue #1: An Attempt at Understanding

The apology needs to have some element to it that communicates a level of understanding of the pain you are feeling.

Clue #2: Heartfelt Promise to Avoid a Repeat

There has to be some feeling behind the words when your partner says they will do their best to not hurt you like that again.

It’s a recognition that their behavior was out of line and that they need to maintain vigilance to not allow it to happen again.

Clue #3: The Avoidance of Saying “But”

A good apology should never have the word “but” in it, such as “I know I did wrong, but if you’d only…” The “but” negates everything that comes before it.

Clue #4: The Apology is Repeated

See also  The 2016 Emotional Affair Journey Annual Reader Survey

Depending on what has been done, the perpetrator may have to sincerely apologize more than one time. If your partner cheated, simply saying just one “I’m sorry” will not fix things, nor will it absolve the cheater of the betrayal.

The perpetrator needs to make repeated, heartfelt apologies until the victim hears and feels the apology on an emotional level.

So our discussion this week centers on the apology…

After the affair was discovered did you receive what you would consider a good apology? If so, what elements did it contain?

Did you receive a bad apology?  If so, what was bad about it?

Are you willing to accept your partner’s apology? If not, what holds you back?

Please reply to one another in the comment section below.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

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LINESPACE

    38 replies to "Discussion – Have You Ever Received a Good Apology?"

    • Recovering

      In almost 2 years, despite trying to believe that he really IS sorry, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten what I would say is a “good” apology. All I ever get is “I’m sorry”. What the hell are you exactly sorry about? Sorry that you got caught? Sorry that you hurt me? Sorry that you ruined our lives? Sorry you didn’t leave instead of cheat? Sorry you have become a liar and a cheater and someone most people despise? WHAT is it that you are sorry about? If I ask, which I have, I get the “Well I SAID I was sorry!” bullcrap line… maybe he isn’t good at expressing… well, THAT is an understatement if I ever heard one… but I am tired of wondering. You CHOSE to do what you did every damn day for 2 years… and now 2 years later I am still miserable from it… dreading the 2 year anniversary of D-day. I still get sick when I drive to certain parts of town, though I try to pretend I don’t and try to talk myself out of it. I still get FURIOUS when I think about the CHOICE you made. THE SICKNESS in your head! And often, more often than not lately, I am wondering WHY I am still here and dealing with this crap… So no… I haven’t gotten what I consider to be a good apology…

      • Strengthrequired

        Recovering, I moved from my home as I couldn’t handle living so close to the ow, it was just too much, my anxiety levels were through the roof, chest pains constantly, she also lived across the road from where I take my children to their pediatrician, si even going there was hard. I couldn’t help the thought of, ohh I suppose they came here, they came there, nothing seemed to be my place anymore. Moving for me gave me some of myself back, I still have to travel two hours to see my family down there and to the pediatrician, and I tell you the anxiety levels hit me, I hate it soooo much. I avoid going if I can, I find it just too much.
        So I understand completely how you feel.

        • Kar

          It has been a year and 4 months and I have received a true apology. Although he has said sorry so many times, the true sorry is when I think of something and start to cry and he is right next to me with tears coming down his eyes with me. (Unfortunately this still happens often). My biggest fear is now that the weather is finally nice I have seen her, her sister who I don’t think knows but I can’t help worrying and wondering what’s going to happen when I see her with or without my husband since I was friends with her or so called friends with her for 30 years. She goes to AA but its all a act she does not follow their rules so I doubt she will come up to me to apologize. Although I just pray all the time if I do see her please give me the right words to say if she confronts me.

    • Strengthrequired

      Recovering, you voiced what I feel.
      I had the I’m sooo sorry, your the one I want, each time he got caught in a lie.
      How is it an apology if you keep doing it. You learn from your mistakes not keep repeating them.
      I haven’t had anymore I’m sorry, I guess nothing has shown itself to warrant one.
      Yet his I’m sorry was always convincing. Maybe I just wanted to believe each time.

      • Recovering

        Strengthrequired,

        We believe them because we WANT to believe that they really get it. They don’t. They never will, at least not from our perspective. We wanted to believe them despite our suspicions and we did – and they lied. So when does the lying really stop? Idunno… I WANT to believe him because I don’t want to believe the man I LOVE really IS evil and sick…. that the world isn’t really that way…. but every day I hear about so and so cheating on so and so, and so and so getting divorced, and it gets harder and harder to have hope that there really ARE good people out there anymore… makes me feel SOOOOOOO alone!

        • Recovering

          Oh, and I don’t by into that bullcrap that everyone is capable of cheating either…. sure I am CAPABLE physically, but I never would. NEVER.

          • exercisegrace

            I asked my counselor this very question once. I told her that all the vulnerabilities he had that led him to his affair, I also had. I asked her why aren’t we sitting here talking about MY affair? She told me that given the right circumstances, etc that “technically” everyone is “capable” of cheating, but that some people just have VERY strong moral compasses and for them, it never happens. They never cheat. That internal “compass” always adjusts to the correct path.

          • Strengthrequired

            That’s what I hope recovering, I hang onto hoping that the man I married is still there.
            I never expected this from him, not ever.
            I too couldn’t cheat, it’s not right, it damages lives.

    • exercisegrace

      I do believe that I have received a good apology and he has hit on the clues listed above, with the exception of sometimes falling back on the third one. He will use a “but” in an attempt to lessen the damage. Not usually directed at me, but a circumstantial “but”. For instance…..she wanted me to do X, and I told her no, BUT she was really insistent so I gave in. But I DID say no!! She knew I didn’t really want to do that.

      Blurgh. Three guesses as to how I reacted to THAT!!!

    • Redemption

      No I haven’t received the appropriate apology that I feel I am due. I received a few generic “I’m sorry” ‘s at the very beginning when he saw the shock and hurt features of my face. But he left the next day back to his affair partner for 5 days so he didn’t have to see the look upon my face again. I guess it may have been too much “reality” for him. Too much reality after 28 years of marriage.

      I believe strongly that this was such a cowardly way to behave. Hence my contuing lack of respect because he has not yet acknowledged that. When he returned after the 5 days it was to tell me he was going to leave me and our family to work in yet another city for the next 6 months to “let emotions settle”. More like it was so he didn’t have to face me or his adult children. The kids made clear their disdain for his affair and lack of respect for me. Neither one of them wanted contact with him.

      What followed was an on again, off again, affair with his AP that lived in yet another city he travelled to for work. There were some months that he didn’t see her at all (they mostly texted and called one another) but still kept her on the hook for when he decided he might want her company again for an evening. This is how he treated the women who he told he loved?? He doesn’t want to understand ,or acknowledge, how he used her too.

      Even when he decided to tell me “I love you and our family more” and realized he wanted to come home, it was when his AP had to also face the fact of what a true liar he was. He wrote her an email stating he was recommiting to me and our marriage and to not contact him again. But the lie contained in the email came back to decimate him and I. He quoted a date in the email that was supposedly the last time he saw her. She promptly emailed back with the corrected date they had last been together (read that as last had sex together 3 months after my H stated). The AP’s last line of the email was to question if I was aware of this date. In other words, did I know and still accept him back or did I not know and she could deliver the final blow. The final blow that she, or any woman, would know to hurt and humliate another. She must have felt it her right to deliver the departing revenge.

      She knew full well I would be seeing the return email as it was a different email address to our home, not my H’s work email which they always used.

      I know I have gone off track here but one of my biggest concerns is two fold. 1: that he give me an apology that verbally states what a shit he behaved like during this time (I believe it would help him “see” in his own mind) and secondly: I am still trying to deal with his “She is a good person in life”. So the person who tried to destroy me is a “good person”? This person who stayed in the affair even after our daughter told her to stay away from her father (I did not know of the affair yet) is a good person? I think not. But she just loved being the centre of all that attention!

      He still doesn’t get it in my books. Much less figure out the only reason he continues to still view her as a good person is because of how she made him feel. It must be great not having to deal with the real world and its repercussions. He still doesn’t get how this type of women dishonours women all over the world with their behaviour. They are self-surving parasites looking to steal someone else’s happiness to bring into their pathetic and unhappy lives. Obviously my H was no better at the time.

      Now my husband feels his actions since moving home are more relevant to the healing of our marriage And he does call daily now when away and does try to be transparent. But I still feel a strong need to hear him verbalize how disgusting his affair actions were. I don’t know why this is so hard for him to do for me. Is it too much effort?

      He is typical in that he doesn’t like to talk about the affair. I have to be the one to initiate any conversation. And all too often he gets upset when discussing it and wants to close the conversation down. Even though I have told him I need to know the whole story and that his “I don’t remember”‘s doesn’t cut it. I still don’t feel I know the whole story a year later and when he says “I don’t remember because it doesn’t mean anything to me”, makes me want to scream! Well, of course it means a great deal to me.

      His shame and embarrassment do not trump my needs.

    • Gizfield

      Redemption, what really helped me when my husband was yapping about what a “good person” his whore was is that I realized he was not defending her, he was defending himself. If shes a whore, so is he. I do also want to say, tell me these bitches who mess around with other women’s husbands dont have low self esteem!! That is seriously psychotic behavior to be proud that he was still sleeping with her when you thought he wasn’t. These chicks are absolutely happy as clams BEING and BEING TREATED like second class unpaid whores. That would certainly make me feel better about myself, lol. Not.

    • forcryin'outloud

      One of my conditions for staying in the marriage after a few months of the “serious” lies dribbling out was a written acknowledgement of his behavior and an apology. It was helpful because I could and still do read it when I wonder how much of this can I deal with.
      In the letter he took full ownership of his actions, explained his mindset at the time, then expressed remorse not only to me but for our family. He also wrote he knew he would probably never “seem” sorry enough and he will spend the rest of his life trying to make this up to me. That always reminds me of a couple lyrics in the Snow Patrol song “Make This Go On Forever,” “I can’t be as sorry as you think I should” and “It could take my whole damn life to make this right.” That about sums it up.

    • Hopeful

      I didn’t and then did. When you do, you really know you have. When I didn’t, it was because he was still in contact, down playing/lying about what happened, not stating exactly WHAT he was sorry for, being defensive, clearly not getting (on a deep level) what the consequences were for me or what my experiences were, not getting the level of a** he was, and so on.

      When I was confident that he fully understood and took responsibility, it finally felt genuine.

      A whole lotta shit had to go down before we got to the latter and almost a year of constant fighting, me calling bullshit, doing research, marriage and individual counseling, and serious commitment, work, and love.

    • Redemption

      Gizfield: I understand about him defending his AP and that it is actually him needing to defend himself and have explained this to him. I never did receive a response.
      On another point you made re: seriously phychotic behaviour to be proud . . .
      I never thought the OW might be “proud” of her actions in sleeping with him again. Pretty naive of me eh? This was after he told her he couldn’t continue the relationship any longer because he was feeling physically sick over it. Seems it only took him 3 months to get over his illness 🙁 He can’t see how controlling she was in constantly contacting him and putting herself out there for him. My H has told me he was the one who initially pursued the one night stand. I have told him, this may be so but she obviously had just as much of a role in pursuing him, especially in light of the affair continuing after he tried to shut it down. She was no innocent victim which he seems to believe.
      I think the OW thought sex again would seal the deal for her That he wouldn’t leave her if they had sex again. They continued to text one another and she continued calling him. He told her after this last tryst, in a one minute phone call from her, that it was over. He would not return her calls. And from what I have peiced together is she was very sly about her actions and my H just can’t see this. She would call and ask him if he still wanted her to communicate with him after he said no more to the affair. She constantly put herself out there with open arms to him but she make it appear as though she was giving him his space. She wasn’t going to crowd him and control him like a “wife ” would. And she would text him that she was going to bed naked, etc, etc. I think you can get the picture. I just wish my H could see the reality of this type of person.

      With regard to the comments of forCryin”outloud and Hopeful. Unfortunately we seem to have had some of the same experiences with lack of acknowledgement and truthfullness.

      He is currently away on another business trip but before he left I told him we needed to have another discussion upon his return. He knew how serious I was and was agreeable.
      So sometime this weekend I am hoping to get some answers and further clarification about his own “fog” and lack of insight about his AP.

      So why is it they get to label their behaviour as a “fog” and we have to suffer the consequences of their stupity and still behave like saints (as opposed to ripping their heads off) in order to preserve our marriages?

      Without wishig to sound like a whiner “How is any of this fair?”

    • Strengthrequired

      Redemption, of course the ow uses sex to try and keep the cs in the relationship. They use so much manipulation it is so unbelievable to those of us who are looking on, watching.
      My h thought she was the victim in all of this too, he took all of the blame on himself, I think that’s how she kept my h up with all the communications.
      It amazes me on how she would call my h, he would call her straight back, it would go on all day everyday and for over and hour every few calls.
      Even after all my h I’m sorries to me. He was apparently working all day getting our business back off the ground, how can that happen if she is always on the phone?
      She would call him to check up on him, to see if the evil wife has upset him, so she would be there. He tells me now it’s all over, but I can’t help but wonder how he expects me to believe this ow has stopped calling etc and him too, after how many calls were made and the length of them. How does he expect me to believe she just stopped, and when he hasn’t answered her calls her stopping past the business to see him.
      I’m not stupid. She wanted my h right or wrong she wanted him, she played with his mind and used it against him, she hasn’t given up once he returned home, not even after me sending her a picture of my baby saying ” see my baby, how an you look this little girl in the face and not feel ashamed of yourself trying to break her family ? “. She didn’t give a shit.
      This to me isn’t a person that cares about anyone except herself, not even the man she is supposedly loves children. Ohhh yer she said to my h if I didn’t want my children she will raise them with him? She only cared about them if she got to be with him. This isn’t a person the is of good character, she would trample over anything that got in her way. Yet why does my h not see the bad in her, she hurt our family, ffs.
      It took him all this time to say, she didn’t care about our children just herself, so I don’t understand, surely you can see through someone like that, why was it so hard for him?
      Now who’s the whinwr. Lol

    • Rachel

      Well, I need to vent you lucky people.
      My divorce will not take place tomorrow, it has been cancelled yet again.
      Back in January a judge decided that i will get alimony until I’m the age of 67. I’m 51 now.
      The ex doesn’t feel that he should have to pay alimony until that age. So therefore court is cancelled.
      He’s again in control .
      I had myself prepared to do this and now this. I just don’t get it???

      • exercisegrace

        Hang in there Rachel. I am appalled that this was cancelled. The judge approved it, and it should be done. The money you will get from this man is not given, it is money you EARNED. By having and raising his kids and taking care of his house, and being his wife. A position that, by the way, was SUPPOSED to be FOR LIFE. You deserve every penny. He ended your career and this is the price of that.

        So sorry! Big hugs and deep breaths. It WILL be done soon.

    • Strengthrequired

      Vent away Rachel, I’m so sorry it isn’t over for you yet. Looks like it is going to drag on for you. I’m amazed though, I don’t understand if he doesn’t want you and wants this other woman, then he should get the damn divorce over and done with. I have a feeling however it could possibly have something to do with the other woman in his ear as well because of the money factor of him having to pay you for so long. Don’t forget it can’t be spent on her. She is probably the one telling him to fight it.
      I’m sorry Rachel for all the suffering you have endured, it is not fair at all. Hopefully it will all backfire in him and his mistress, and I do hope you get the glory of seeing it happen.
      Hang in there and look after yourself.

    • lost

      I feel my H has tried many times to apologies, but I always feel the same as most of you. What is he sorry for? I feel it is getting caught. It has been 8 months, and each day I still can’t get it out of my mind. He thinks if I keep bring it up, we will never get pass it. Which, may be true but, it still hurts to much. I think because from the beginnning, he has never really been truthful, so, each day I am trying to put things together and then think of the situation all over again.

    • Gizfield

      This is a little off topic but I think I’ll just add it here. I am just wondering how far reaching the repercussions of cheating actually are. Last night, my husbandand I were watching tv. A young guy on there, his girlfriend got pregnant, they got married, maybe divorced, I dont remember. Anyway, he said the day his daughter was born was the best day of his life. I asked my husband if the day our daughter was born was the best day of his life. He said, “no, the second best”. So I asked what was the best and he said “the day I met you.” Ok. I know at one time I would have been thrilled to hear this but now it just makes me suspicious, like what he thinks I want to hear. I told him he was sweet and that I felt the same way but what I really wanted to say was “was that before or after you FELT SORRY for me?” Lol, that was why he said he was talking to me, not cause I “looked so good” as he always told me before.

      • exercisegrace

        Great topic Giz. Doug and Linda…an idea for the future? I would love to hear other people chime in on some of the farthest reaching effects of the affair. I know it has impacted my life in many ways. Some very expected and some not so much.

        Giz I have to fight my brain constantly. If he compliments me, I wonder if he ever gave her the same compliment. If he says I make him happy, I wonder if I make him happier than she did. It never seems to end. I struggle all the time to “stay in the moment” to “accept what he is giving”, to quote my therapist, LOL.

      • chiffchaff

        The long running repercussions in our case is that the way things are right now I am very happy with my H and our relationship, it is better than it has been for ages. BUT… because he threw me under a bus, lied, drove me down, encouraged me to feel bad, slept with someone else, repeatedly, I will always feel that when things aren’t so great – because nothing ever stays great forever in the real world – he will solve his problems exactly the same way because I now know that he has a permanent character flaw. a massive indelible yellow stripe right up his backside that no matter what he does I will always think is there. He displayed himself as a massive coward with dreadful judgement when the chips were down.
        I will always feel that if I don’t look right, or act properly, or maintain interest in everything he does forever then he will replace me. The long term repercussion that goes with that, which is far more positive though, is that I now know that it is his problem and not my failing if he does act like that. I know it wasn’t my fault and if he acts like a selfish cowardly tw*t again then I will have the strength to do things properly.

    • Gizfield

      “before” refers to before he was affiliated with his Turd.

    • Strengthrequired

      Im sure you girls are in my head, I find it hard to believe what my h tells me, I often wonder is he telling me what I want to hear.
      I say. Thanks baby, yet in the back of my mind it comes back to did he say the same things to her.
      I believe it’s due to the constant lies during his ea, also what digs deep for me is all the hurtful things he said to me as well, how are you supposed to get past all the I don’t love you, you damaged me, we have never had a connection, blah blah blah,. So for me I know why I wonder, why it is hard to believe I’m so wonderful now.

    • Gizfield

      Chiffchaff, I’m glad to see you say your marriage is “better than it’s been in ages”. I hate it when people just say their marriage is “better” after these affairs. Better than what? or maybe I should say Better than when? The day you met, when you were dating, all those years you two were happy? No most people are referring to that brief (comparatively) period of time when your spouse was a creepy little snot sneaking around with someone else. Of course, it’s better than That. My husband and I had a very good relationship and that has been restored. It is not something due to this shit, trust me. Affairs turn temporary problems that usually could have been worked on and solved easily into major issues . at least that is my thought on the matter.

      • forcryin'outloud

        I agree Giz. Infidelity turns temp problems into life long battles. I think all the comments made on this thread express how we all struggle (daily/weekly) with the sincerity of the apology and remorse for their actions.

      • exercisegrace

        “temporary problems into major issues”. Seriously one of the best comments ever. That is pretty much the short answer to why affairs start. Someone is willing to dish up a temporary or minor complaint, someone else is willing to lend a more than sympathetic ear and it rolls down hill from there.

      • exercisegrace

        Well said Giz. I personally will never jump on the “oh this turned out to be such a good thing for our marriage” bus. The truth is, our marriage was (even by HIS admission) good before the affair. There isn’t any marriage that doesn’t have room for improvement and so of course, we certainly did. But no major issues. He just made a colossally bad choice in response to some temporarily bad circumstances. We are moving forward, healing etc. but our marriage is worse than it was before the affair. And while some things WILL be better than before (boundaries, communication) many things are gone forever and I will always grieve those.

        • forcryin'outloud

          I agree with y’all. My marriage will never be better for this, NEVER! Now I look at ’til death do us part as a joke. I feel my H has shown me a HUGE character flaw and I’m not about to ignore it and skip through the daisy with him. For me it jaded everything we had and has made me a cynical b!+(#. Just this past week I caught him in a lie. He apologized and I told him I didn’t want to hear it…I was tired of his apologies and that he sure had to be tired of apologizing for his lies. HE’S A LIAR and for some insane reason he can’t stop himself. The worst part it was truly something stupid to lie about…no reason to do it. Sometimes I wonder if he’s even capable of being honest to himself.
          And just when things were looking up, go figure.

    • Strengthrequired

      Remember ” actions speak louder than words”

    • SamIam

      I asked for an apology…I got half-assed ones like “You shouldn’t have seen that” (ya think!!) “no one should make you feel that way” (again…ya think), “no one should treat you that way” (see a pattern?) finally I said..”You may need to include yourself in those apologies. I am not alone down here in the muck you caused” to which he replied…”that is how I apologize.” As I pointed out to him, if he does not include “I” in those sentences it means nothing. So I asked fora written apology and was told “he doesn’t know how to apologize as his family never apologizes for anything” Wow! that I knew. So I sent him links on how to apologize……and I got a business letter stating “I look forward to working with you on this” and he still took very little responsibility as he could blame everything he did on some one else’s actions. BAH! Eventually I did get a nice written apology. I felt like he was close to getting “it” then he spent months apologizing every day. It was helpful. Not he apologizes when he has an emotional awaking….it is very good. I have accepted his apology (even the business letter one as I knew that was the best he could do) and I look forward to more as he finally gets this figured out. We are 29 months since dday and a few days away from our 31st wedding anniversary.. It is getting better.

    • Disappointed

      I will never get a real apology because he is not sorry it happened. He said I did not deserve to be betrayed and that he sorry he hurt me. He said he failed to maintain boundaries. But he also said he would never regret it because sshe awakened him from his dead existence with me and made him believe things could be different. said she only wanted to know him andhad no expectations. A few days ago he said that I made him want to have an affair. I Said that was bs, but he really believes it. He has been seeing her multiple times per week forI think over a year. He has no idea that know. I am pathetically stuck. Unable to tell him I know because I know he will walk out. I will never get an apology because he has convinced himself he was justified. she is also married with kids. I will never understand.

    • AnnaB

      I wonder if these ‘men’ that have affairs with married women would be as selfish if the OW’s husband came after them?! And surely the knowledge that the OW is a liar and obviously an uncaring mother should put them off! Such stupidity baffles me!!!

    • Darlene

      My husbands EA was uncovered 18 months ago. It will always be there. It lasted 6 years with consistent calls from my husband to her. She was “easy” to talk to and they talked about “current events”. There were 3 people in this relationship and I was the only one who didn’t know. Infrequent sex and his moodiness should have been an indication. I sought my revenge, but my heart, faith and trust is damaged. I feel like I will not be able to ever really forget and go forward … I love him, I never wanted to be without him, but there is so much pain. I believe he didn’t sleep with her, but with 6 years of lying and secrets, how do I really know? We tried counseling, individual and marriage, he made a heart felt apology and effort, but it will ALWAYS be in our way! To give someone everything and then to be so disrespected is such a selfish act.

      • Strengthrequired

        Darlene, I’m so sorry you were deceived for so long. It’s hard to get over thes fact that the person you invested your life into was easily led astray by someone else. It’s hard to let go of all the lies that were told. I’m still trying and it has been 18months almost for me too since my h ea was uncovered.
        I only found out yesterday how the ow has gone to our place of business four months ago to see my h and pled him to be with her. What bugs me is my h only tells me bits not everything. He tells me he told her that he wasn’t leaving his wife and kids for her or for anyone . He just says they argued mostly when he saw her and that was it.
        I believe he should have told her to get over him, leave him alone that its over and that he doesn’t want to see her ever again.. Yet my h by the sounds of it hasn’t said that to her.
        It annoys me so much that this woman never gives up. To me it jet felt like another dday.

        I dont like lies, yet my h did alot of it. What makes me think what a hoped rite was when my h told me today “you know I don’t like lying”. To me it just seems to all of a sudden come naturally and he couldn’t stop.
        So my trust has not returned just yet

    • SHAPE

      Saying “I’m sorry” without being really specific for what they are “sorry” for does not seem like the kind of apology that does any god. We can all say “I’m sorry” if we truly do something by accident (like drop something and break it, bump into someone, even do some car damage in parking lot). Having an affair (emotional or physical) was NO accident. The unfaithful spouse could have said “NO” at any time.

      For me the only apology that ever meant anything was when my H finally said (and I had to tell him this is what I wanted to hear–which sort of negated the whole thing) “What I did was WRONG, and what can I do to help you heal?” He was pretty strong in admitting the “wrongness” part of that, but a little weak in asking what he could do to help me heal. But it is getting better. We are able to talk without so much anger on his part, or on mine for that matter.

      He does understand that he has to tell me things that he and I both know are going to be painful. I also told him, and he did this, that he needed to write down the things he knows he did that were wrong. He didn’t list each specific lie or time he saw her, but he did lump them together into a statement that also acknowledged he knew he never loved her as he had told her he did.

      I just wish he would have told her this, but I don’t want any more communication between them. He did tell her in a final email that they should not be communicating. She lives across the US now, so they don’t see each other any more. She used to live nearby.

    • Leonard Shaw

      POWERFUL STEP IN HEALING: Offender puts himself in shoes of the offended and describes with “ing” verbs (like it’s happening RIGHT NOW)…;discovering the affair after lies & denials. ie; “I’m asking what’s wrong,we have not had sex in weeks. He’s saying, nothings wrong, I’ve just been tired & pre-occupied. I’m following him on his lunch break. He’s going to a motel. I’m sick to my stomach and feel in the twilight zone.” etc, etc, etc. If he really goes deep with this (and we all have this ability if we are willing to be vulnerable), a great healing can take place for both parties. It has to be done in front of the offended partner. (And it’s even more powerful if done in a group!) This is Gestalt Therapy at it’s best! Love & peace to all concerned, Leonard

    • still struggling

      It was actually 33 years later before I received a true heart felt apology. The few I received before that were, pretty selfish on his party. “Sorry, I thought you knew”, and ” Sorry, you got so mad and hurt, but I didn’t mean to do that”. Seriously, What did he mean? and What would I have known about anything when he refuse to answer any of my questions because according to him “it was none of my business”?

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