Good Wednesday to everyone!

For many betrayed spouses, the thought of having a revenge affair of their own is a thought that races through their minds at one time or another.

Many have feelings that they want to make their spouse hurt as much as they have been hurt.

But is this train of thought healthy – or even accurate?

It seems that in many cases the betrayed spouse decides to have an affair in an attempt to make themselves feel better, or to get even, or to simply have some “fun” of their own.  Unfortunately, it usually does the opposite and makes them feel even worse and will usually do more harm than good.

Often what happens when one has a revenge affair is that the cheater actually may feel as though they have been let off the hook – so to speak. They don’t feel the same level of betrayal. They may even end up feeling better because there is a sense that much of the guilt that they feel has been absolved.  They have paid the price for their actions and feel that they should now be forgiven and/or released from their guilt.

So our discussion this week…

Have you considered having a revenge affair of your own?  If so, did you act on it?

What was the ultimate outcome of the affair?  That is, did your spouse find out?  What was his/her reaction, etc.?

If you wound up not having a revenge affair of you own, what stopped you from going through with it?

Dr. Robert Huizenga, author of “Break Free From the Affair,” offers this brief (4+ minutes) video on the revenge affair that you might want to check out.


Please be sure to reply to one another in the comments below.


Linda & Doug


    57 replies to "Discussion – Have You Ever Considered a Revenge Affair?"

    • chiffchaff

      In short, no.
      Knowing how devastating it was for me I just couldn’t have done it. It didn’t cross my mind, even thought my H said he thought I should ‘go and have an affair of my own to even things up’ – which I found really offensive and made me feel like he didn’t want me at all.
      I also think that to have a revenge affair is somehow worse, IMHO. To do it full in the knowledge of actually knowing what it feels like to be a BS, rather than just imagining, seems much worse to me.

      • Rachel

        My husband said to me ” I want you to have an affair”. “I’m begging you to have an affair”. I never did of course. That’s not me. I just wish he could experience the pain that I’ve been through and see If he could get past it without anger.

        • Recovering

          He was just trying to ease his guilt and not look like such a bad guy when he was trying to get you to have an affair too… or maybe his was an “I want out” affair and he is too much of a coward… I’ve read that men are much less forgiving than women (despite some of the great men I’ve seen on here)… I wish you the best of luck. Don’t compromise yourself because of HIS guilt!!

        • Healing Mark

          Strange, but apparently common, reaction by CS’s to offer up, or in Rachel’s case, beg for, the free pass to the BS to have a revenge affair. Amazing what feeling guilty will cause a person to do.

          Rachel. You appear to recognize that having an affair at this point will likely not hurt your H, especially if he is begging you to have one. Your H could only be as hurt as you by an affair if he had no idea that you were capable of having an affair, and then found out that you had betrayed his trust and had an affair. And, yes, it will be much easier for him to rationalize a divorce and the significance of his affair in leading up to it if you go out and have an affair while still married to him.

    • Rachel

      OMG!! This thought just enterened my head not 5 minutes ago!!! This is not me at all, but I am so sick of this rollercoaster that I’m on, I need something to make me feel better. (not saying that revenge would in the least)
      My H moved out Monday night after a whirlwind weekend that he wants me to pay for my therapy appointments, because if I still need treatment that’s not his fault. He said that If I use his checkbook once more he’ll close the account. He makes 10 times more money then I do and I’m in therapy because of what he has done. He discussed this with his therapist and she said that he is not obligated to pay for my therapy. So this is where this idea has come from. He’s been going to her since d-day and she really has some bizzare suggestions. Well, then 30 minutes later he took it back and said that I can use his checkbook whenever I want. This is constant with him, saying curel comments and then taking them back.
      Well now he’s back. Removed all of the boxes from his truck . He also has agreed to going to couples counseling. Something that I’ve been wanting for almost 6 months. I’m tired and worn out. And don’t know what to do.

      • rollercoasterrider

        Rachel, you need to figure out what you want. Your well-being cannot be so connected with a guy who is obviously very unstable, and incapable of a mature, loving relationship at this point in time. I have read what you’ve said about the therapist your H has been seeing and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this woman does not have your best interests at heart, nor does she have the health of the marriage as a priority. I wonder about the relationship she has with your H. Maybe your H moving back in isn’t the best thing for YOU.

        A revenge affair? No. But that doesn’t mean I consider myself above personal failure. It’s just that at this point in my life I know that doing what is best for ME means being the kind of person I want to be, to be pleasing to my God, to set an example for my children and friends, to be honorable.

        Now, I have admitted to my sister that I’ve kind of wished something would happen to me that would give H a taste of the pain I’ve felt, but I also realize that that desire is just pure spite. Again, not the person I want to be.

        Rachel, sorry for the roller coaster ride…but unfortunately that’s what unfaithfulness does to us. My best guess is that personal fidelity is one choice to get back on a firm foundation.

    • JoeIsTrying

      Rachel, stay strong, sounds like you are in a good position. He is conflicted and reactive, but seems to genuinely want to be there, just doesn’t know how yet. I also don’t think an affair relationship will make you feel any better.

      My wife moved out and continued her affair, so I was basically ‘free’ to do what ever I wanted. I did have one romantic encounter, but there was no way I could be present or emotional to it. As fun as it sounds, I don’t want to be with someone who would want to be with me right now (sexually speaking). And I would just be doing it to make my wife jealous, too low for my healing.
      I will have plenty of other issues to answer for through this ordeal, I don’t need to add one more regret on top of it.

    • Recovering

      I thought about having a revenge affair right after I found out about his affair – just to make him KNOW how it felt. But I didn’t. It would’ve made me feel worse about ME, and I already feel bad enough. I have never been the type to have a one night stand or anything, and sex has always been a special gift for me… always in long-term relationships, so I could never. I do, however, seethe sometimes that HE got to experience something new with someone new after 13 years of marriage, where I am still just with him after so long…not that that is a horrible thing at all, I just wonder in the back of my mind if he compares, though there isn’t really much to compare… how good can the sex really be in the back of a tiny car behind a bar? Not fabulous for sure!! I do sometimes want to take him down to our car just to see how great it could be since I’ve never had sex in a car…. he said that he has never made love to anyone but me (this was after the affair) and that it was just sex… which I believe… Just makes me sick to think of him with someone else, so yah, sometimes I want him to understand how vile those thoughts are… I doubt he ever thought once that his AP’s husband was still sticking it to her during the entire affair too! Maybe I should point that out next time I’m feeling yucky about sex and see how HE feels… maybe THAT is the best way to get him to see… Idunno. I just could never lower myself enough to do something that I think is so wrong, revenge or no revenge. I am better than that, and I thought he was a better person than that too….. guess I was wrong and am now married to a Cheater. Not an easy pill to swallow….

      • chiffchaff

        Recovering – my H also never ever considered that the OW was not faithful to him. That seemed to come as a real shock when I raised it very early on after Dday#2.
        But then again, he chose to park any thoughts of the consequences for us, so he similarly presumably chose to park any such thoughts about what she was getting up to 5000 miles away when he wasn’t there, which was pretty much 8 whole months – apart from 18 days! CSs certainly deceive themselves just as much as they deceive the BS, on many levels.

        • Paula

          chiffchaff and Recovering, my ex also was horrified when I went and got tested for STIs. I said, well, I’ve never been with anyone else sexually, and you’ve admitted you weren’t using protection, and she’s single. He said he believed she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, which I replied to with, but of course, she has, and she might have been, and she’s ALLOWED to!! Guess what, she had chlamydia, my ex was almost sick in front of me when I told him we had to be treated. He said that was almost worse than the cheating, the fact that I got sick because of his selfishness. It took him a long time to accept that he did that. I was ropeable, I had discussed this with him ON SO MANY occassions, cheating is horrendous, BUT if there is EVER any interlude, USE CONDOMS, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!! He also suggested maybe I needed to experience sex with someone else, maybe that was why I was so upset (he’s my one and only sexual partner.) It never crossed my mind, and thinking about it made me feel physically ill. I feel like it would certainly be lowering myself to their base level, and I have never had any real desire to be with anyone else, and like many women, I need love to be involved, that may be a hangover from being raped, none of my friends seemed to have that problem when we were young, casual, consenting sex was the norm, for many, and I have no judgement about that, it just wasn’t for me. I thought it was somewhat hilarious that he thought a woman who was cheating with him, who had cheated ON him 25 + years ago, was being faithful to him. He said he encouraged her to be with other people (he was trying to extricate himself from a situation that had gone very Fatal Atttraction on him) as he was hoping she would attach herself to some other poor sucker.

    • Patsy50

      Revenge affair! I must say that I have thought about it after finding out about H EA. Wanted to feel everything he was feeling but no I would never do it. Then I would be “just like him” and that’s not who I would want to be.

    • Healing Mark

      Considered having revenge affair? Not seriously. But had to think about it because…

      Did W say she wished that I would have an affair so that we would be “even”? Yes.

      Did I have an opportunity to have a revenge affair? Yes, and the opportunity is still there, but I have no desire to take this woman up on her offer, and, damn, it appears to be an attractive one at that assuming that my W really meant, which she didn’t, that she is ok with me stepping outside of our marriage with this woman.

      What stopped me? It’s just not right for me, even with permission, which I don’t think I really ever had, words notwithstanding. Also, at the time, even if I had been inclined to take my W up on her “offer”, I wasn’t going to do it and allow her to feel any less guilt about her EA, and I certainly wasn’t going to do it given that I anticipated that it would make recovering from the EA discovery much more difficult, if not impossible, and I wanted to recover, to forgive my W, and get back to being happily married.

      It’s challenging enough for me to deal with my W and daughters and provide them with the love, attention and support they desire/need. I can’t imagine adding another one to the mix. Even one that has promised no emotional attachment, just wild sex. Yeah, right! And I have some prime real estate in Florida I can sell ya!

    • tsd

      I have several times…in my mind…and I hurt cs as much as he hurt me…I dreamed he cried and got it!!! But alas, it was a dream and I woke up

    • Greg

      I definately considered a revenge affair, my wife even suggested that I go have sex with someone else. I was actually pissed off that she could even consider that I was capable of doing such a thing! Thinking back I can see that it was probably more for her to feel that asking for a divorce would be a lot easier if I had done so, this was early on in the EA discovery when she still though the AP actually cared for her and wasn’t just a selfish child. I got so pissed that I actually signed up on a few sex on the side dating sites and started looking at profiles.

      That lasted all of about 10 minutes before I came back to my senses and deleted the accounts and hidden email account I had created. I wasn’t going to give her the satifaction and it just isn’t in me to cheat on my partner, never have been able to when I had the opportunity before so why should I change now.

      • Linda

        It is amazing to me that so many cheaters encouraged their spouses to have an affair. It shows how little they understood the implications and pain that their affair caused. Like it was no big deal to go out and betray the marriage. Doug never told me to go out and have an affair,however I remember shortly after Dday, we were out at a bar and he said it didn’t really matter if I hooked up or was picked up by someone. His words crushed me, it shows how deep the affair fog really is.

        • Greg

          I don’t think it is because of how little they think of what they did but more so that they don’t have to feel the guilt that come with accepting what they did. If the BS has an affair then they can point and say, ‘but you did it too!’

          • chiffchaff

            I agree with Greg, it’s nothing to do with the BS (yet again) but everything to do with the CS wanting to feel less guilt about hat they did by ‘evening things up’.

    • Jim

      I asked this same question in the forum.

      For me it is a struggle to come to term with my emotions. Dday was only a few weeks ago. In my mind though I was trying to figure out if I should stay and work on things or call it quits and start over.

      The sex with another woman was interesting but it was more a fantasy than something I really wanted. So far I am committed to my W even in spite of her EA. I have always been committed even when (years ago) I had a woman take off her shirt in front of me and ask if I wanted too.

      I was not thinking about a revenge but What she would do if I did.

    • DJ

      My husband never suggested I have an affair. He said the opposite – that if I ever had one, he wouldn’t be able to live with it. He has actually become very possessive and jealous, like he’s afraid I’m going to do it. I don’t think he is so different from other cheaters, though. His affair was just so long – 6 years – that he had worked through much of that by the time I found out, and knew what he wanted already.

      I have had opportunities since D-day. Blatant hitting on me… but no, I’ve never seriously considered it. In fact, it turns my stomach.

      I did have a daydream, though, about some unnamed special someone who would come and take me away from everything, and all the pain and suffering would be gone. But that was more a desire to get away from the pain than a real desire to get revenge by having an affair.

    • Paula

      In addition, a “revenge affair” would never even the score, as I explained to my ex, as he would have always “done it first.” So you would just be playing catch up all the time. To deliberately go out and “seek” another partner wouldn’t work for me, I’ve never been a man hunter, never was unhappy as a singleton, desperate for a relationship, it had to be very organic for me, natural, and real, so “seeking” a lover would be just too cougarish for me! Of course, when he kind of suggested that might be what I needed for me, he said it would nearly kill him to see me with someone else, so, he does understand what it has done to me, especially the very graphic nature of the images and nightmares I have endured.

      • DJ

        Absolutely, Paula – nothing could ever be enough to even the score, or to absolve him of his betrayal. And I would never stoop so low as to betray him, or anyone, like that.

    • Jamie

      I’m amazed that this is the post today.

      I received a text message from an old love interest; on Friday. I did not respond to his inquiry about “how are you and your baby?”

      This man was my partner before I fell in love with my H; in fact, I was still dating this man before my H and I agreed to commit and be monogamous.

      Instead of deleting the message and keeping it to myself; because I’d be Pissed off…if my H’s EA partner/s did the same and he kept it from me in this way; omission IS still a lie.

      I decided to inform my H. I informed him of the contact (from a man who was clearly a rival of his, at the beginning of our relationship..or so he thought. I was never interested in having a lasting, long term relationship with this man. I have told my husband this many many many times.)
      I used this text as a way to build my relationship…to inform; before it was discovered.

      I told my H that I did not respond to this man, because I STILL choose us. I still choose him…and our family. I still choose our future together, even though I am still very angry and hurt from his EA/s, especially at the time of our daughter’s birth and for weeks after.

      I made a point to tell my H that I love him and I choose him; and if I didn’t, I have opportunities to make myself “feel” better, temporarily with affection and attention; just as he did in the past.

      I wanted to make it clear to him that I intentionally informed him of this contact; that I did not reciprocate and that I chose to tell him why I did not respond.

      Of course he was bugged that this man contacted me, and honestly; I’m glad he’s bugged by it. I’m glad he still has this kind of “jealousy” or “she’s my partner” feeling in his life and his heart for me.

      I have put him through HELL in the last 8 months.
      But…I will not put him through that kind of hell, with a “revenge affair”..although I have opportunity and cause (as we all do, tit for tat).

      I choose my relationship, now, even though it’s damaged. And if I ever have a feeling that I am wasting my life and my good heart on my H; I will end this relationship, before I pursue any kind of love interest.

      My H’s infidelity and betrayal have absolutely taught me that two relationships cannot exist simultaniously; when your heart belongs only in one.

      I am actually very proud of myself for not contemplating this issue; until Friday; for the past 8 months, because it is not my nature to forgive. At the first sign of betrayal…I have always burned the bridges I’ve built and let the fires light my way on a new path.

      I must be learning to forgive. I must be softening to his apologies and constant actions that have proven to me that he is committed and this 8 week EA was simply a mistake; and him falling back on “old unmarried lifestyle choices”.

      We have only been together for 20 months. We had a very short courtship, before I was pregnant…with my miracle. I was not supposed to ever be able to conceive; 1-100 chance; confirmed by fertility specialists…many times in my life.

      I will not have a revenge affair. I did express that if he does not continue to be affectionate and attentive in the ways I need; that I do not see us having a future past Christmas this year. I’m tired of being ignored, avoided, invalidated…because I’m hurt and angry. I basically told him…”don’t push me to it then”.

    • our journey

      No, I have not considered a revenge affair. I would like him to be able to feel my pain. He has trouble with empathy! To give him some credit he has said he would be very hurt if I did what he did. D-Day was 13 months ago for us.

      • Teresa

        our journey, my H also has trouble with empathy…it’s the result of growing up in an abusive home with an alcoholic father…he has his second session today with his therapist, and already I can see a change in him…His therapist told him he can’t love me the way I want and deserve to be loved because he was never taught to love that way.
        Also, he told him to look at this website and take the online test…My H is an Avoider. He didn’t even need to take the test, as soon as he read it, he and I both knew it! LOL! But he DID do the test..and we were right! 😀 I’m 16 mos since DDay and it’s been a lonely, painful journey but now that my H has finally realized that this wasn’t going to go away, and after I told him I didn’t see an US in the future, that’s when he said he’d go to counseling…and after just two sessions I can see that my H finally understands some of the pain he has inflicted and I’m able to say that I’m on the road to understanding why he had the EA and I now know that the EA was just a symptom of a bigger problem, a problem that he is working on, with the help of his therapist…BTW, I don’t go to his sessions…I wanted this to just be for him, so he can talk openly and get the help he needs. I’m open to going, if he or his therapist ever want me there 🙂

        As for a revenge affair….No, I loved my children to much
        to bring even more disharmony and anger into our household…The days and months were such a blur after Dday, I never really considered a revenge affair…my children were my main concern, even though they didn’t know until several months after, I just wanted them to feel safe…since I did not!
        I’ve had a few opportunities to have a little flirtation which could possibly turn into an EA since Dday…but really, how could I respect a man when he’d have an affair with me, knowing I’m married with children…especially if HE is married!! Why would I want to become the OW…since I don’t like the cow who was the OW in my marriage?
        Now, ask me if I would LOVE for the cow’s H to have a revenge affair on she can understand the pain she caused…Hmmm, now THAT is a thought that brings a smile to my face!! LOL!!

        • our journey

          Teresa, thank you for your comments and information. I had to smile and show my H. He has bought and read the book “How We Love.” While at work he has been listening to ‘New Life Live’ over the Internet. That is how he found out about the book. We have been seeing a counselor together. The counselor has said that my H’s EA was more about family of origin issues than about OW. Hope your husband’s session went well today 🙂

          • Teresa

            Yes, Our Journey, his session went well! I really like his therapist at this point…from what my H tells me about his sessions, the man really knows his stuff! And I especially like him after he told my H that I’m a “remarkable woman” for all I have put up with and for what I do for our family, LOL!!!
            I’m amazed at how much my H is learning about himself and how his upbringing has scarred him.
            The therapist shares our faith so that makes it easier for my H to talk to him also…I think that’s important too!!
            And I agree that it’s not about the OW…and I had GREAT pleasure in telling her that when she called me in Feb! LOL!! Hope you and your H are on the road to recovery, our journey!!
            I truly feel that until the CS comes to the full understanding of what they have done, and take steps to understand AND explain why they had the EA, true healing isn’t possible for the BS!

    • Kali

      OK, so what is this about? I have never been seriously propositioned in 30 years of marriage even though by all accounts I am a petite attractive woman with an hourglass figure. The whiny little girl in me thinks “why doesn’t anyone want me like his AP wanted him?” And I start feeling sorry for myself, which is pathetic. The reality is that I would not have an affair, revenge or otherwise…it is not in my DNA. So maybe I did and do not put out “potentially available” vibes, but in my grief I have been guilty of using these feelings as another reason to beat myself up (what’s the matter with me, etc.).I have also thought how unfair it was/is that 2 women were/are in love with him even though he is the one who had his head up his ass. All I got was heartbreak. Luckily my DH has recommitted fully to me and wishes he could take it all back, but I admit these feelings have contributed to my heartache and further damaged my self esteem.

      • Paula

        Kali, you have articulated the EXACT feelings I have had, I’ve had one instance, MANY years ago, where a little too much alcohol may have been the reason why someone showed some interest (his alcohol intake, not mine!) which is hardly all that flattering. I wonder what vibe I put out.too, in fact I’ve said that very thing to my ex, same “whiney girl” lol – “why doesn’t anyone find ME that attractive? I guess when you’re fully committed to someone, you just don’t seem to attract anyone else. Not in my DNA either. Not great for the self esteem. Now he says he doesn’t want anyone else, it’s too late now, though, why didn’t that work before? Does he only want me now, because he knows he can’t have me??? I don’t think so, I know he was just in a VERY bad place, and did some desperate and out-of-character stuff, but it doesn’t salve the pain, or make me feel any safer, which sadly, is my reason for going it alone now after three years of fighting this agony. Doesn’t stop the pain, but does stop me carrying it over to him.

        • Linda

          paula, I feel the same way, I just don’t put out that kind of vibe. If someone gets a little too close I immediately put up my guard and talk about my husband. I really haven’t make myself available to men since we got married. After the affair I wondered what was wrong with me, why can’t I attract men. Not that I really wanted to, I just wanted for someone to think I was desirable. I also felt that Tanya had that gift, maybe that what was so desirable for Doug, and if I could be a flirt or at least cross some boundaries Doug would find me desirable also. I went as far as searching on the internet “How to flirt” obviously it got me nowhere, with Doug and any other man.

          • Jim

            My wife acted the same way or put out the vibe too. She does have fibromyalgia and the medication made her add weight but I still love her. She would be the one saying I am married but around a few men that knew about the boundaries and that knew me, she would do some “harmless” flirting with. Nothing to bad and I was always near by.

            Due to the illness and the weight gain she felt less attractive. I tried reassuring her but it fell on deaf ears. I tried to get her to buy more sexy clothes. But she did not feel that way. She used to love a sexy new dress but not anymore. after a while I gave up trying. She even told me to stop humoring her.

            Well when she found the OM again on Facebook, he was acting on what she looked like when he knew her 25 years ago. He was flirting and did not know me or the boundaries. She responded. The texts became sexual and the comment she made to me about him even before I found out about the EA made me cringe. I knew that something was up.

            To make a long story short and get to the point is no matter how hard I tried to make her feel sexy, I could not. She would not let me. The OM however could because he was acting off a fantasy. She fell for him because he made her feel good about her desirability.

            Even myself, I noticed that the ladies don’t look at me so often. But sometimes I am oblivious to those things. Heck I had a woman a couple year ago hitting on me at work and I did not notice until someone else pointed it out.

            So ladies just because you do not feel desirable, someone else may. Open yourself up and you may “get your sexy back”. Just respect the boundaries.

        • roller coaster rider

          And Paula, as you do the work without him, now, and think about your life, your children, even your relationship with your former partner, new things will come and I believe they will be good things. You are an amazing person with a lot to give. Timing is everything.

          • Paula

            Oh, RCR, I didn’t mean I want anyone now, good God, no!!! I have no desire for another relationship, I just wonder why I never felt that attractive to anyone but him. I just want to feel good about myself – in that way – I do feel good about myself in many other ways, but physically, not so much.

    • Attraversiamo

      I had reconnected with a friend from high school in September of 2009. Unbeknownst to me, my husband was already into one year of his two-year affair. My friend and I had dinner twice more after that — July 2010 and November 2010. I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with him, though I imagined it. I just couldn’t jeopardize my marriage or hurt my husband and three children. Little did I know…

      Immediately after I learned of my husband’s affair, I wish I HAD gone thru with it. But if I were able to go back to any one of those three moments knowing what I know now, I still think my decision would have been the same. I like being able to hold my head up high. (Although, there have been a few brief moments where I’ve thought about revenge sex with the other woman’s husband! ; – ) All in my head — mind you. I don’t know him, what he looks like or anything about him. It’s revenge in my head!)

    • Rachel

      Ok people you are going to think that I’m making this up, but my husband is moving out again tomorrow. He said that he only came home to be with my son. My son said that he didn’t care so my H is leaving again. Please tell me how do I keep him out for good. I can not deal with this behavior.
      He likes the game and loves to see reaction from me then he says ” why would I want to stay here with the way you react” and I said I don’t know, I don’t want you to stay!!! He can’t react from his heart he stops and thinks of what his therapist says. I asked him about the other women the other night and If he has seen her and he just gave me a look. So immediately I figured that he is still in contact with her. But what he was doing was remembering what the therapist said and she said that he doesn’t have to answer questions that I ask. I beleive that is part of the healing process. Perhaps I’m wrong. I would love some feedback because at this point of this nightmare, I am so confused .

      • Doug

        Rachel, I’ve been following your story somewhat, but I forget if you’ve talked with a lawyer yet. If not, I suggest you do. An attorney can tell you your options and what is best for you. If it were me, I’d change all the locks once he left and seriously consider a restraining order. Outside of your husband’s horrible behavior, I really wonder about some of the stuff you’ve mentioned now and in the past that this so-called therapist is telling your husband. Your husband obviously takes what she says as gospel, that is if the therapist is actually telling him this stuff. Are you sure the therapist isn’t the OW?

        • Rachel

          Yes I just went through the yellow pages for my attorney’s phone number and will be calling him today.
          And yes he takes what he therapit says as gospel. He can’t speak from his heart. The most recent time that he was willing to work on us was the two weeks that he didn’t see her, so I know she has had a huge influence of him of how to treat me.She is divorced.
          I often wonder if he has that emotional connection with the therapist as well. He loves talking to her. He won’t talk to me about any of this he’s ususally texting, paying bills, organizing his clothes. He won’t sit and look me in the eye.I am done trying. I feel like it’s and endless battle.
          He was late bringing our son home last night because they went golfing. Three hours late! I was worried neither one answered their cell phone. He’s so inconsiderate to me. Just a text saying at the golf course would have been fine for me just to know where they were and he couldn’t even do that. I knew that this was part of his game. He likes to see me react. That way he can say “see I hate your reaction”. Well games over for me.
          Thank you, Doug.

          • Teresa

            Rachel, you are a strong woman, that’s obvious from how you’ve hung in there, taking the abuse from your H AND his therapist, who is a fruitcake!! Now the question is, as a strong woman, WHY are you allowing your H to do this to you?
            You have posted on this blog for weeks, we have all told you that you and your boys DO NOT deserve this, yet YOU are allowing your H to treat you this way!
            Doug gave you the best advice, change the locks and see your lawyer…you have tried, seriously, you have done WAY more than I would have EVER done…now it’s time to throw in the towel!
            Think if your boys, what is this doing to them?? How is their father rejecting them over and over again, how is that damaging them? And that’s what’s happening…in rejecting you, it’s like he’s rejecting them also!
            Only YOU can stop the madness at this point! You’re in the drivers seat….take back the wheel and tell your H to get out of the freaking car!
            And BTW, once your H gets it, that this time you ARE serious, he’ll come whining and crawling back…how much you want to bet? DO NOT let him back into your life or house…if you do, he will treat you even worse!!
            I saw this in my sister’s life…the scumbag she left her 35 yr marriage for treated her like yesterdays garbage and she kept letting him come back…and each time was worse than before! Her left her to sleep in her car when she couldn’t get the door unlocked in the house they were living in, oh and the house had NO running water, but that’s another story for another time…anyway, she called and text him for HOURS..and he never responded…and you want to know why?? He was at HIS house, sound asleep in HIS bed….with his wife!!
            Yea, she called me, crying, I BEGGED her to leave and drive home (a 2000 mile trip) and she left 2 days later…but guess what…she was back out there 2 months later,, because he was going to change and get a divorce THIS time!! Right!
            Anyway, Rachel…there is NOTHING you can do for your H at this time…if he decides he wants you and your children, then make him work for it…you WILL respect yourself and more importantly your H WILL respect you…once his head is out of his butt!! Right now he has ZERO respect for you…and you need to change that!

            • Carol

              I agree. Rachel, you can hold your head up. You have tried. You have kept your marriage vows. You have done so much: you were willing to work to put the marriage back together, even when you were not the one who broke it in the first place. Now it is time to get some distance from this cruel man. Maybe he will eventually wake up and thoroughly change. If so, great. But if not, I just don’t think he deserves to be in your house! Sorry if that sounds harsh, but he has been downright emotionally abusive, in my view. Locksmiths are cheap. Avail yourself of one. 🙂 Also, some practical advice: separate bank accounts right away. When my father walked out on my mother, he took all the money out of their account and she was a stay-at-home mom at the time. We had literally nothing. Be fair in what you take to establish your own funds, but do establish them before you change the locks; otherwise, you’re vulnerable. Doug suggested a restraining order — not a bad idea, in my view. Your H is certainly unpredictable, to say the least.
              Good luck. I repeat: hold your head high! You did what you vowed to do!!!

            • truly Sorry

              I have to fully agree. As the CS myself I am making my wife THE #1 PRIORITY in my life. I want to rebuild with her after all the hurt and betrayal I’ve caused. Your H doesn’t sound to be engaging in any of the activities that this site emphasizes. Erratic behavior and nastiness is not love. I’m sorry but you need to look out for yourself and your kids now. Best of luck.

          • roller coaster rider

            Another thing for you to consider, Rachel, is the long-term effect of your sons watching their father treat their mother like crap. With no consequences…other than mom reacting to Dad’s meanness, and nothing ever changes. I KNOW you don’t want them to grow up and do this to their wives/girlfriends or even treating you with disdain because you didn’t have the courage to demand respect. This is painful and this is hard, but you can do it. You are worth fighting for, and so are they.

    • onmyway

      The thought has never crossed my mind. Then again, my husband never suggested it either! I think if he had I would have hated him or at east hated the idea that he could go ‘there’. I am not saying that all of us who have had CS’s suggest this should hate them, just that the idea of mine doing so would have been crushing to me.

    • chiffchaff

      Oddly, in some of our discussions my H even suggested that part of what he did was getting the ‘experience’ he’d never had as a young man. He referred at the time to knowing that I’d had more relationships than him before we met and he’d always felt inexperienced. It was very hurtful to hear this at that time, which was in the months after Dday#1, and demonstarted two things – that he had no qualms in trying to deflect everything back onto me and also that he was utterly deluded about the OW. He had no idea how many partners she’d had, or even still had, but it was clear she was 39 and had never had a long term relationship and was more than happy to leap into bed with a married stranger. The double standards were interesting as well as hurtful at the time.

    • SamIam

      I have never considered a revenge affair. A fling would not be the same thing as the emotional tangle he got into. That took time and lots of talking. I would have to build up a relationship to that level~ far too much work to go though for a little revenge that would not help the situation anyway. I do not think my H would ever forgive me anyway. Although I have forgiven him. I know I could not live with my actions if I purposely went looking for an affair. And it just sounds gross to me anyway!

    • Pippi

      I, of course, have thought of having a revenge affair and went so far as to ask my husband what he’d do if I did. He said he couldn’t exactly stop me after what he’s done.

      But, I haven’t and I don’t think I will.

      The one thing I did think about is that I could NEVER, EVER cause this much pain to another woman. So, if I did have a revenge affair it would have to be with a single man or a guy who is also wanting a revenge affair (possible forum idea — BS looking for AP who is also a BS) — just kidding, really!!!

      I wish all affair partners could experience THIS PAIN for five minutes. They would NEVER get involved with another married person as long as they lived.

    • Dave

      I’ve considered it, often. But I know this is a slippery slope. My wife’s EA/PA was in part revenge for a one-night stand I had four years earlier. She carried around her bitterness and pain for all that time, and when the time was right (difficulties had come up in our marriage and when she was weak), she had her affair. But hers went from a one-night stand (actually is was on a Saturday afternoon while she was supposed to be at the store) to a long-term EA/PA.

      She did decided to break it off, but on the day she did she I was suspicious. I went to my best friend’s house where I suspected she’d be. I caught her leaving his house. For 13 years (this summer) she denied anything happened, but this year on New Year’s eve she finally drunkenly admitted what happened. For me, everything has come rushing back and it as if it just happened.

      During this time, I have seriously thought about doing the same to her. She has even been pushing me to do it, saying that she deserves to suffer. Our therapist says that’s a horrible idea and will only lead to even more pain. I believe him, but I do admit that at times when I’m feeling particularly weak, I entertain the idea. But, there a lot of things I think of that I will never do – such as blowing off the kneecaps of her former lover. I believe that acknowledging those thoughts and feelings are important, because when you bring them into the open, you can examine and defuse them.

      My wife buried hers and when she was at her weakest, my “friend” took advantage (and so did she) of her feelings and it led to this. Now our marriage is hanging on by a thread, despite the time that has passed.

    • CA

      My short answer is NO!! I have no interest in anyone except my H and never have. I worked in a casino for over 20 years and met and knew many men. Even if a guy or customer was interested, they immediately get the “not available” vibe from me. I truly never thought of going there and still feel the same. I only wish the love of my life had stuck to those same morals. It still hurts like hell after 9 months.

      • Sam


        I feel the same way. I think this is why my H’s affair hurts even more. I had MANY chances. I work in the medical field and have contact with extremely successful and attractive doctors and lawyers on a regular basis. I’ve had my share of ‘indecent proposals’, so to speak and my biggest shield was always: “Thanks, but I’m happily married.” or “I love my husband!”

        I also have a very active social life. I attend concerts and shows and had many opportunities to have “flings”. I have actually been asked by big Rock Stars to come visit their tour bus. (Crazy, but true!) I always declined. I never behaved in a way that would later haunt me or embarrass me – or my family.

        So I often wonder – WHY?! Why me? It’s so not fair.

    • Anna

      I’m surprised (but also reassured) by how many CS have told their BS to go and have an affair themselves. My H has said a couple of times things like ‘you should have an affair if you get the chance – you can’t understand the feelings involved…’

      I have thought about it, in dark moments when I’ve wanted him to hurt as much as I am hurting, but I would never do it.

    • Sam

      I thought about it when I first discovered my H’s EA. In a rage, I yelled at him and told him how much I hated him and how I couldn’t wait to go and cheat on him. It really did cross my mind. But I would never act on it. Just like I’d never act on any of the other crazy (and criminal!) thoughts that have crossed my mind over the last 10 months or so.

      At the risk of sounding self-righteous, I would never do something like that. My sense of right and wrong and my integrity are defining factors in the kind of person I am. I’d never compromise my values – not even to get back at someone who has hurt me so deeply. I’d probably feel disgusted with myself.

      In fact, whenever I think about what my H and the OW did, I often wonder how either of them could sleep at night during the time their “friendship” was going on. I don’t know how they could live with themselves…

    • knb

      This is complicated, so bear with me a moment while I try to explain why I feel I need to comment. Neither of us actually had an affair. But my husband and I were good friends with a woman, but I began to suspect that she had more than that for my husband. I was insecure and was afraid he would become more interested in her, so I made him call off the friendship. Long story, but he didn’t agree with me that she was a problem and I became angry. In time, I made a friend of my own “in revenge” – but instead of being out in the open I was hiding it. When he found out, it looked very much like I had actually had an affair. He believes me now that I didn’t, but we are still recovering a year later from my lies and inability to share my true feelings with him. So even though I created the problem in our marriage, I feel like I am the one who had the revenge affair of sorts – I retaliated so he would have to feel what I felt and see that I was right about the female friend. My actions have nearly destroyed my marriage. It is ridiculous to think that evening the score or teaching someone a lesson by hurting them the way you’ve been hurt is constructive for either party. It’s childish and only further erodes the relationship. An affair – or in my case an imagined one – cause deep emotional pain that doesn’t heal by creating more pain elsewhere.

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