While doing the research for yesterday’s post, a comment stuck out to me and I thought it would be a good topic for discussion.  I would say it’s rather controversial, so I hope we can get a variety of opinions on this.

Here was the person’s comment:

“When men have affairs, it’s because he wants too much sex and is selfish. Female indiscretions are constantly rationalized – much like most “bad” female behavior. In the case of affairs, a woman’s motives are usually attributed to:

  • lack of emotional connection with her spouse
  • wanting to feel loved
  • low self esteem
  • wanting to feel attractive

and according to this article (from yesterday’s post):

  • to SAVE their marriages

Put simply, men having affairs = bad, women having affairs = good (or at worst, neutral). This is because the motives of women are assumed to be altruistic and positive, while the motives of men are assumed to be sinister and selfish.

Why the double standard?”

OK…Have at it…Agree or Disagree and explain.

As always, please respond to others in the comment section.

Thanks!

Linda & Doug

See also  Discussion - How Has Anger Affected Your Affair Recovery?

    21 replies to "Discussion: Double Standard For Men and Women Cheaters?"

    • Notoverit

      First of all – all cheating is BAD. Doesn’t matter what reasons the cheaters give. There is no excuse PERIOD. If you men want to have an affair to have sex then get a divorce before you do it (who wants STDS, HIV or AIDS?). If you women want to feel loved get a dog. If you want to feel attractive, join a gym. If you want to get emotionally connected with your spouse then talk to your spouse, not mine. If you have low self esteem, talk to a motivational speaker and work on yourself – don’t look to my spouse to build your sorry butt up. And if you want to save your own marriage, see a counselor. As the betrayed wife, I don’t give a damn what the OW was looking for – those are her problems, not mine. She caused me anguish, pain, and hurt when before I had never truly felt those problems. Come on, I don’t feel that there are double standards – any reason for breaking your vows is simply not acceptable.

      Secondly, I suffered through an EA where there was no sex and believe me, I know there was no sex because my husband was not capable of it ( he has since visited a urologist who is working with him on his ED). So what was his excuse? It was FUN. Well that fun got him a shitload of problems that he never even considered. So no, I don’t think sex was his primary concern. Do his reasons excuse it -NO.

      And as for you women cheaters – well you want to rationalize? Rationalize this – you knowing tried to destroy a marriage, yours and mine. So give me a break. I don’t care what reasons you give. I sometimes wish it was a hundred years ago – if this had happened then, I would go to your house, drag your sorry butt out and give you the horse-whipping you deserve.

      My conclusion, for whatever it is worth, is that all cheaters are selfish, self-centered, uncaring and stupid – male or female. They like having FUN until they get caught.

      Can anyone tell I am having a bad day?

    • C.

      Actually, I’ve found a double-standard the other way. Women are all about emotions, so when they cheat it’s because they’re in LOVE with someone else, and that’s WORSE because it’s giving away an emotional intimacy that should only have been in the marriage, whereas a man who cheats is JUST looking for the physical, so it’s not that different from porn, or masturbation, or other activities that are less-than cheating.

      Yes, I was suffering from massively low self-esteem when I had my EA. And I built an emotional relationship outside my marriage that in some ways I didn’t even realize I was building because I was rationalizing so much. And I think that in some ways ANY man who’d showed interest in me at the right time could have been the OM for me. There were some basic criteria to be met, such that I felt like we had enough in common for me to build that inappropriate emotional connection in the first place, but once I let myself get addicted to the attention, honestly I don’t think the guy himself was as important to the cheating process as the fantasies I was building in my head.

      So… better or worse than a guy sleeping with an OW? Better, because of the lack of physical contact? Worse, because I was sharing private information with the OM? Better, because in some ways I was just so horribly depressed that I was looking for attention anywhere? Worse, because I was building fantasies about some guy who wasn’t even that great? It could be perceived either way.

      And, it’s ALL selfish. And it’s ALL wrong.

    • InTrouble

      Oh good heavens. As a female CS I think it is just the reverse. People forgive men who have affairs because, after all, They’re men! Women in affairs are considered heartless sluts.

      Women are always judged harsher than men, in just about every facet of life (even in criminal cases).

    • Pippi

      Notoverit — Sorry you are having a bad day. So am I but your comments are so perfect they brought a smile to my puffy, tear soaked face. You go girl, I’ve got your back!

    • Notoverit

      I am not judging female vs. male cheaters. No on has the right or go-ahead to cheat. I am judging the other woman because I AM THE WOMAN SHE HURT. Believe me, my husband did not get off lily-white in this either. I judge all cheaters the same – YOU HAVE NO VALID EXCUSES except your own self-centered, uncaring selfish whims and emotions. So no, I don’t believe men are any less culpable than women. You all are to blame for your choices.

    • Notoverit

      Oh and excuse me, being a former prosecutor, no women are not judged harsher than men in criminal cases. In my experience, over twenty-five years of it, men get worse sentences than men.

    • Notoverit

      Sic In my experience, men get harsher sentences than WOMEN. Sorry for the mis-type.

    • Alone

      Being a female cheater, I feel that I am judged and “punished” much more harshly. Society looks down on the OW in a big way.

      Men who cheat tend to get a high-five. Like “way to go man”. And the wives tend to take them back more easily with less “punishment”.

      I also believe female cheaters have a harder time moving on after an EA because “love” is involved. I think for the men, they like the flirting/physical part. So when it ends, it didn’t really matter to them to begin with and they can move on more quickly.

      Notoverit – you are right though. Either way it’s all wrong. No matter what. And it’s completely selfish.

      I hope your day gets better.

    • Michael

      Although I disagree that there is a universal double standard, I do agree that everyone holds people to different standards. I think that woman hold men more accountable and men hold woman more accountable.

      So why is it most men consider an emotional connection as a very serious offense and most woman see a physical connection just as serious?
      A guys friend sees it as, well he just had sex, it didn’t mean anything.
      Or a womans friend tells her, all you were doing was chatting online.

    • Fiorastar

      To the female cheaters out there….I judge ALL of you very harshly because women assume a “sisterhood” and need to promote one. If you pursued an affair, especially an emotional affair (involving love and true intimacy, sex or not), with a married or involved man, then you were not only harming that man’s ability to be true to himself and his partner, you were directly harming a woman who should be able to count on you to have her back. YOU know how badly men can misinterpret you, and use that against you, so if YOU bought into anything he was saying about his partner as your “excuse” then YOU are part of the problem in a big way. How DARE you?
      To the male cheaters out there…either let your woman know you love her and give her all the love and honesty she deserves, as well as the secure knowledge that when you are not with her, she can count on you to STILL be loving towards her, or let her know that you can’t be faithful, give whatever reason you need to, but give her at least the honest option to know what kind of relationship she is in and stay or go as she needs to. DON’T say you “love” her if you are unwilling to give her a fair choice about whether she wants this in her life, because for most of us, you have created a hell worse than a death in the family.

      • liz

        how about a woman who cheats right under your nose, a client who worked out with my husband and they were secretly calling and texting each other at all hours of the day and night until i found out. but oh! she is just a friend who has some problems that i tried to help her with….(all text messages were erased and never heard him talk to her in front of me)…decided to put a tape recorder in the house, just to hear a normal professional conversation….but guess what i caught! a 45 minute intimate conversation with her and him trying to break up with her….and to trump all of this my husband says he knew i was taping him so he set the phone call up….would any of you believe this???? my husband is very convincing…this happened months ago and i have still not left…we own a business together and its very complicated….need somebody’s help out there.

        • Notoverit

          Hey Liz,
          Yeah, I think we all know about “I was helping him/her with some problems” routine. My suggestion, for whatever it’s worth, is get the phone records – cell phone or house phone. Plus talk to people about whether they saw those two together, then confront him with all the evidence. This is circumstantial but together with the phone call you taped it becomes pretty damning. Depending on the state you’re in, this could go badly against him if you decide to divorce.

          On the flip side, which is the one I would take first if you still love him and don’t want to leave, still confront him with all the evidence and then direct him to the definition of emotional affair and its components (plenty of good information on this site). Go from there and try to see if he is remorseful about his actions or is still in a fog. Without knowing more, that’s all I can come up with for now. Keep us posted on what you try and I know everyone who’s on this site will try to help you.

          Also, I am of the opinion that it’s best not to confront the OP because you don’t know what you’re dealing with (could be crazy etc.) Focus on you and your husband. It’s a tough battle and it doesn’t get easier but if you love him, then it’s worth it.

        • suzie suffers

          Covering his ass..ets!! My husband once told me that when my cousin stopped by his office and then he left an sexually explicit message on her answering machine while drunk…..that he did it because he thought I was trying to “catch” him trying to cheat on me and would show me……AH….Ya, like you got caught and thought you better think of something fast to get yourself out of this one.

          And if you’re husband knew you were recording him, why would he “break” up with her if he wasn’t “seeing” her. Why even fake that….someone once said, put them to a polygraph test. Which I’d done that….but we meek self esteem dimished BS’s are too afraid to “make” them mad and have them leave us!!!

    • Ken

      All cheaters (male & female; physcial & emotional) are absolute garbage worthy of nothing but ridicule, disdain, shunning and the ruining of their lives. They should bring back the scarlet letters. Teach these pigs a lesson. The children should be informed of the type of garbage the cheating spouse is. Ruin the relationship between the cheater and the children. The cheater had no care for the family or they would not have done what they did. All they thought about was themselves. Their parents, the families, the friends, etc should all hear the gory details of the infidelity. There are NO EXCUSES. These people are worthless, selfish trash and need to be treated for what they are. Maybe if shame and SEVERE consequences were brought back into the equation, some of this crap wouldn’t occur. These worthless selfish twits might be too worried about what their parents or the neighbors might say. These people need to be treated like the southbound side of a northbound horse that they are.

      • confuse 2

        Ken-although I agree to some degree that maybe if there is societal punishment to adultery maybe people would be less likely to start affairs. Yes there are no excuses but people are people. Everyone and anyone can make mistakes. You think ruining people’s lives are the simples and best solution to preventing affairs or will this just to increase in suicide rates? You think BS would feel no more pain after CS life is ruined?

        I agree with in trouble. I mean I get that you’re angry with your cheating wife but Calling people garbage and pigs are just horrible. ruining relationships between cheaters and their kids? wow how low would you go? what have the kids done to deserve that?

      • suzie suffers

        No fault divorce has eliminated many of the consequences too!!

    • InTrouble

      Ken – If I was your wife not only would I “cheat” on you, I’d get the heck out of there. You have serious hatred issues that you need to deal with.

      • Tom

        Really? What did he say that was wrong? Cheaters are animals, not human beings. (Unless they actually want to atone for their crimes.) They have no morality, honor, decency, compassion, or humanity of any kind otherwise. A “committed” cheater is an animal and nothing more.

        Do you not believe that you should reap that which you sow? Do you not believe that you should do unto others as you would have them do unto you? Surely, vicious, vile, sub-humans who repeatedly choose to be evil for no reason other than they “like” being animals should be treated in a manner in which they treat others.

        A “scarlet letter” is far too little punishment for such animals as far as I am concerned. Maybe if an “A” shaped piece of flesh was removed from their face, that would be a decent start. But how could such an animal truly be punished as much as they have casually and easily decided to destroy another’s entire soul?

    • Tony

      Although I’m late in reading this article I would like to say that I agree 100% with the person you said made the cheating double standard comment – especially after reading some of the responses here. Too many excuses for cheating women.
      Have U googled cheating double standard. A website made a good point about the fact that women will create websites list the names of cheating men BUT NOT CHEATING WOMEN.
      http://www.the-spearhead.com/2011/03/17/the-cheating-double-standard/
      There’s always an excuse.

      All cheats should be held accountable for their actions AND anyone who has been cheated on should be helping others who are in the same boat rather than worrying about what gender the betrayed is.

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