Good Wednesday!
Today’s discussion topic will be short and to the point.
When a person commits adultery you can pretty much categorize them in two very general ways: a person who made a huge single mistake (whether they admit it or not) by having an affair, or a serial cheater – one who has cheated more than once.
Given these two categories of cheaters…
Do you feel that your spouse/partner is now defined based on their cheating activities? Why or why not?
Does a cheater have character flaws whether or not they are a one-time cheater or a serial cheater?
Please respond to each other in the comment section.
Thanks!
Linda & Doug
39 replies to "Discussion – Does Cheating Define Who a Person Really Is?"
My H had two EA with same woman. Said he would fight for marriage, but he is not being transparent. He doesn’t get why I’m upset and why I feel like giving up. Your article today shows that I am defining him because of this affair, not him. He has no answers as to why he did this to me. I have admitted to not putting effort into our marriage due to kids, careers, health, and time. So I can blame myself for some of issues but when you cross the line,myou must work harder to keep spouse. He is not trying. I don’t trust him yet (10 mos out of DDay 2) and no sex either….he says I’m angry all the time which I may be but I see a man who wants to keep marriage but is not doing anything to save it. Help
I would say a definite YES that a cheater, serial or not, has a character flaw. They did something against what they promised, and they did so knowing that it would definitely hurt someone, otherwise they wouldn’t have lied and kept all of the secrets. I am hoping, however, that the first-time cheater isn’t defined by what they did. I am hoping that the first time someone can learn from their HUGE ‘mistake’ and become a better person – the person we thought we married, and never cheat again. However, if a person cheats again after putting their partner through the hell we face, then I have to say that that person IS a cheater. No longer is it a ‘mistake’ but WHO THE CHEATER IS. Even if the cheater isn’t caught the first time, they KNOW what they did was wrong, and they lied about it. If you have to lie about it, then you shouldn’t be doing it. Everyone makes mistakes, and though I feel that cheating is more than a ‘mistake’, I love my husband enough to give our marriage, and him, another chance. If he were to cheat again, then he IS a cheater, always will be a cheater, and that becomes who he is. Right now, since I am dealing with his first affair, I am hoping he is learning something and changing inside. He is acting differently about our marriage… I just hope it sticks. Clearly if it doesn’t then he was just a cheater who didn’t deserve a second chance and I’ll be the fool… again.
For now, 5 months out, I feel that my H is defined by his cheating. Not only by me, but by our kids, other family members, and some of my friends. It is my hope, however, that one day he will be defined by how he overcame this nightmare, chose his wife, realized he was living in a fantasy world, and became a better person/husband/father. Our actions are with us forever, but I believe when mistakes are made and lives are traumatized, it’s how we get through and overcome these situations that truly and ultimately define us. Doug, it appears certainly that you are an excellent example of this. That is my hope for my H.
As to the character flaws, we all have them. I just have different ones. 😉
Perhap with a serial cheater, it’s a great character flaw within himself where he is never satisfied.
With a first time cheater like my CH, I would like to see it as a lapse of judgement in unable to resist temptation when the going gets tough. I’m sure he is feeling lost and confused for having done it.
After you catch them cheating how can you ever be sure that it was the first time, you cant, so I guess if they get caught once, you can about guess that they will do it again and hope your wrong.
No cheating doesn’t define who a person is but it does color how we see them and everything thaey have done in the past. In my case my wife has always had male friends at work. It was never a problem before but I looked back over our marriage and have realized that she lets people get too close and tends to talk out her issues with friends and co-workers rather than with me. This was partially to cause her EA and looking back would have caused two others as well but with both those co-workers they had large enough character flaws that she did feel any closeness with them.
While she is not a bad person in the least she does have to pay more attention to who she talks with and about what. She has also realized this and has reigned it in to just talking to her female frineds about problems.
So back to the questions;
Do you feel that your spouse/partner is now defined based on their cheating activities? Why or why not?
No, I do not feel she is defined by her activities because it was very out of character for her to lie to me about anything and she feels she let both herself and me done by doing so.
Does a cheater have character flaws whether or not they are a one-time cheater or a serial cheater?
Yes a cheater does have character flaws, everybody does. My wife’s are numerous, just as mine are, but her specific one as it relates to her EA is being to open and inviting with everyone and not setting up proper boundries on what is acceptable to discuss with certain people.
The problem with her what I now view as a character flaw in her is part of what also attrached me to her in the first place. I don’t want her to completely change how she relates to and with people but I also don’t want to ever deal with an EA again. It really comes down to me having to trust her to be the woman I know she can be and trust her to be that person.
I can so relate to this comment 🙁
Do you feel like your spouse/partner is now defined based on thier cheating activities?
If you accept that a person’s character is defined based on the totality of thier actions and beliefs, the fact that my wife engaged in harmful and deceitful behaviors during her EA and after it ended when she lied to hide its occurrence “defined” her in the sense that she knowingly chose to act this way and thus became, like it or not, a person who chose to act this way. Fortunately, this was out of character based on the way she lived her life prior to the EA developing, and now appears to be behaviors that she is not willing to engage in ever again. Much as someone who infrequently acts in an inconsiderate manner is not defined as an inconsiderate person, but rather a person who is generally a considerate person, the fact that my wife has now infrequently acted during our marriage in ways consistent with an EA means that she can no longer be defined as a spouse that has always maintained relationships that we have defined as appropriate for each other. Instead of “always” she has fallen into the “almost always” category. However, and more importantly, given what my wife and I have experienced as a result of her EA and its discovery (mostly horrible, of course), I feel confident that I can “define” her now as a person that is much less likely to engage in EA-type behaviors (her post D-day actions have spoken much more loudly in this regard than her words, and her words are that she will never act that way again), and I can also “define” her as someone who has learned from her mistakes and modified her behavior so that it is much more conducive to being happily married.
Does a cheater have character flaws whether or not they are a one-time cheater or a serial cheater?
Of course they do, or they would not have engaged in behavior that is, among other things, disrespectful to their partner and damaging to their relationship and children if they have them. I think what important here is the degree to which this flaw controls how the “cheater” behaves generally. Obviously, this flaw is a large one for the serial cheater, as they allow it to prevent them from acting in respectful and non-damaging ways. For the one-time cheater, this flaw resulted in this person acting in a way that is objectively contrary to how they typically act (i.e., a one-time occurrence). Sometimes a character flaw is not recognized until it rears its ugly head (perhaps this particular flaw did not exist when the person was in a better place in their life and marriage, but developed and was not capable of being overcome when their relationship with their partner was not going so well), at which time the one-time cheater appears to be a person that recognizes that they could act in such disrespectful and harmful ways and changes the way they act so that they do not make the same mistakes again.
I think it can mean that even in a one-time cheater they are seen, by those who know about it anyway, as being untrustworthy and a skilled liar at least.
I think it also implies a level of immaturity in their character, whether one-time CS or serial.
For serial cheaters (like my H, much as he probably doesn’t think he falls into that category) it certainly implies a strong character flaw of selfishness and hedonism when life gets tough or whenever an opportunity arises, no matter what the consequences might be.
I understand that my H feels like people have lost some respect for him as a result of his activities. There is still, thank goodness, a strong societal dislike of and repugnance for adultery. There’s also a fascination with it, otherwise there wouldn’t be quite so many books/films revolving around it in the name of investigating ‘love’.
Does cheating define who a person is? Yes, my husband chose to cross boundaries, break marriage vows to me and have an EA— that’s cheating.
Personal definition of cheating is any behavior that would upset a spouse if he or she was aware of it, whether it’s done onetime in his life or several times.
I now look at my husband as a person who cheated on me and it now becomes part of who he is.
You must always be aware if you have chose to work on your relationship that even if you have rebuilt a new foundation with all the cracks filled there is the possibility of another EA
I agree completely, it’s like saying if you only murder one person, that if you never do it again your not a murderer. If you cheat, you can never uncheat, therefore you will always be a cheater, so be careful what you do or say, somethings can never be undone or unsaid.
Yes, I do think that a cheater – whether serial or a one-off cheater – has a character flaw, which is that he/she is unable to be accountable to him- or herself about his/her actions and lacks awareness of the root causes of their behaviour. Let me explain: my H’s affair was, I think, probably due to a lack of self-esteem caused by the early death of his father (therefore lacking parental positive feedback and encouragement) and from various ‘failures’ (at school, in his first marriage, as a parent to his children). However, the issue with him is that he has been unable to recognise that some of his actions derive from these long-standing and deep issues. The original temptation of an EA and his transgression into a full on five-year EA was due to his need for validation, admiration and his consequent flirtatious behaviour with many other women. If you’d told him that at the time, he would have totally denied it – he was ‘fine’. He wasn’t a flirt. He never felt a failure. It was ‘just a friend’…He was ‘helping’ her.
I’m not perfect but I did once nearly fall into an EA early into my marriage to my H. Thankfully, I was equipped with enough self-knowledge to realise that a/ it was a fantasy; b/ I enjoyed and needed the admiration and validation (and I understood why) but also that c/ I was married and did not want to break my wedding vows.
I don’t know whether my H is now more self-aware and conscious of the boundaries that I/we need to keep to for our marriage to succeed but I do hope that he’s, at least, half way there and more aware of his own behaviour, of the consequences of his EA and how a further betrayal means he would lose me altogether.
This is only my opinion for what its worth.
Since no one is perfect, and we all sin, we all have flaws.
When we repent and confess that sin, we are restored
to God, and God remember that sin no more.
That why he asks us to forgive others.
I would hate to think my past sins defined who I was,
I remember sampling a grape in the grocery
store, and that is stealing. Does that make me a theif,
if I did twice. Stealing is a sin as much as adultery is and
there both in the 10 commandements. Thank God, for
Jesus, who takes the away the sins of the world for
those who believe in him. John 3 vs16
My divorce was also a sin, both my exhusband and I both
had hardened hearts, and our relationship grew apart
along with being married to young and not being mature
enough to deal with problems as they arose, by both of us.
I was never the perfect wife, but I tried, and did my best
for the knowledge I had at that time. As for his actions
of adultery, yes it hurt me, however I also forgave him
after our divorce.
So both of us had character flaws, and I know that
I am not perfect and more flaws will happen, as I
press ahead. However I know its important to have
my sins forgiven and that why I do my best to forgive
others, even when it hurts. I know I need our Lord and
Savior, always and forever.
The bible says that adultery is the only allowable reason for divorce, so divorcing your husband because he cheated is NOT a sin.
Melissa – your comment about his ‘need for validation, admiration and his consequent flirtatious behaviour with many other women’ really strikes a chord. In earlier relationship exercises we did my H described that he needed me to tell him that I was proud of him in order to feel loved by me. A need for validation and if he doesn’t get it at home he’ll go looking for it from other women instead, or as well if he does. No idea where that comes from and I don’t know if he does either.
We love to be given praise just like women do, we want to feel appreciated and needed.
I will admit though that certainly before the PA I was guilty of not praising my H enough, a factor of the way I was brought up. Yorkshire folk are first in the queue to tell you when you’re wrong but are silent when you’re right for fear of inflating someone’s self-importance.
Chiffchaff, I think a lot of us Southerners here in the States are probably from Yorkshire ~g~. We do the exact same thing. I didn’t always tell my husband I was proud of him or his accomplishments. BUT he didn’t return the favor either and he is a New Yorker, born and bred in Manhattan, I would have also liked a little notice for all the things I did too but I didn’t have an EA to get my ego stroked. Now that I am not doing those things, he is a lot more careful to say thank you when I do break down and actually do something for him. LOL
Melissa describes my H, almost to a T. Due to some early life experiences, he’s always had the need for validation and admiration, both at work and in his personal life. It wasn’t hard to come by because he’s a good man and is pretty good at what he does.
It was easy to compliment him and praise him for every day sorts of things…..
Until my praise and admiration wasn’t enough.
That’s where the scars from early life came in to play – I’m not sure I would call it a character flaw or not……but it has come between us a couple of times now.
The first time was emailing with someone he didn’t even know….so it was just a game, I guess…..a very slippery slope.
This last time, tho, with a co-worker took the game to a whole new level. Again, he had the need for admiration and validation and she was Oh So Willing to stroke his ego. She became the perfect person for him……UGH.
So….if a over inflated need for praise and admiration is a character flaw, then I guess he has one.
He also just made a super huge, life-changing mistake.
Forgivable? Yes, but the consequences are quite dire for everyone involved.
Is my H now defined based on his cheating activities?
No, I don’t believe so. He is defined by what he chooses from this point on, what he has learned from the EA, what he does about it, and what he does in the future.
Does a cheater have character flaws whether or not they are a one-time cheater or a serial cheater?
Yes, he has a serious character flaw that can do great damage to us if he allows it. Hopefully he is learning from this flaw, and fixing it so it doesn’t rear it’s ugly head again. We all have character flaws, some minor, some major. It is our job as individuals to manage them, and if we want to remain married, to not allow them to get the best of us. We are each responsible for our part in our relationship, especially those parts that can do much harm to those we love.
I agree also that many of us have hurts from the past that bring up our unfulfilled needs. It is our responsibility to help our spouse to understand those needs, so we can work together to support one another and help provide a safe place for both spouses to grow and change together.
If H chooses to not fix this particular flaw, he can become a serial cheater. H needs to recognize how much damage this EA has caused to both himself, his wife, and his family. That indulging in an affair, drugs, alcohol, gambling, or any other of those addictive habits that can get a hold of you, can and will hurt you and those you love.
So why don’t they add just add “affairs” to the list of common addictions? If they did, I think we as people will be more open to understand the dynamics, and problems that they cause. I feel an affair is really another kind of addiction. All the symptoms, actions (sneaking around, lies,denial), character change, and effects on others are just the same as any addiction. Perhaps it is because the movie industry has brainwashed us into believing that “affairs are true love”. The movie industry is full of people moving from one affair to another. We tend to never think twice about affairs…until it happens to us and we see and feel it’s devastating consequences. Then we CS obsess about the CS and the affair.
I think calling an affair an addiction, would allow us to see the problem for what it is more quickly, and perhaps find faster ways to get through it. But as addictions, it really depends on whether the addicted person sees if the addiction as doing more good or more harm to themselves. And until the CS believes that the affair is doing more harm, they will continue cheating.
I am on the “Affairs are addictions” bandwagon! What do other Blogger think?
The affair is still fresh to me and I am still dealing with all of it. I didn’t want to write anything, because my thoughts are all over the place. I don’t know “why” or “how” my H could say that he didn’t know it would hurt me, and he didn’t know what he done was wrong…I still have very bitter feelings about all of it, and I say…BS! He knew enough to try to hide it, delete messages, lie about the whole thing and say that he thought he was just being a good friend, that she needed someone and he needed to vent his problems. He tries to say that he didn’t want to me to see anything because I would get jealous just because he talked to a woman, and that’s BS too! The nature of the conversation wasn’t friendship…yea..it started out that way…but developed into flirty conversation, and then eventually phone numbers…yea…that’s being a good friend huh!? I feel that he doesn’t really want to admit what he did..and that he isn’t feeling what I feel. This is his first time cheating..or is it…since he claims that he didn’t know how bad it would hurt me or that it was that bad…he wants to say to me that it could have been worse…geez..how much worse can it get…I told him that the only step left would have been to go and be with her!! I mean….come on….honey…ole ole…you didn’t know that you were married at the time…that you just remembered after the fact…how convenient! And he stopped the affair when he felt guilty…..and didn’t delete her off of my friends list because I wanted he to delete me, so that, if she deleted me, then she wouldn’t make any trouble..example..asking why I deleted her..or the phone number on the phone…I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time. But getting back to the question…yes, I think that they have a character flaw, that they are selfish and a easy lier, and the need that they have at the time, is more important than their spouse’s needs!
I for one will always define my CH as one with character flaws, as once you cheat and lie in a marriage you define the kind of person you are to everyone. Most spouses who do this are very narcissistic. They only think of themselves and what their needs are, with no regards to the spouse that they are going to hurt and change forever. My Husband told me that he had everything he needed at home and believe me he did, but he wanted that “new” extra special attention, ego boost and validation from another person besides his wife to make him feel even more special. From what my therapist said, most people who need that have low self-esteem and thus when someone comes on to them, they go for it. My Husband told me that if the other woman’s husband had never told me, that he wouldn’t have either. So isn’t that a character flaw, when your husband is going to look you in the face for years and be living a lie? He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he made that choice to hurt the person he was suppose to love the most in the world, me, his wife, not to mention his children. So, I will never feel the same about the man that I respected and loved so much with a love that had him on a pedestal, because I thought he loved me the same way. Do I think he will ever do it again, NO! It wouldn’t be worth the hell he’s been through since the affair. I would be more forgiving if he had shown remorse afterwards, but he didn’t. He was to busy covering up his affair with lies, that took me a year to find it all out.
A serial cheater is another story, they definitely have character flaws also and probably an addition problem. I would never put up with more than one affair, it’s still hard getting through this one and the verdict is still out. If only people would realize how one choice in your life can change things forever, they might think twice before engaging in an affair.
Is it possible that when a spouse cheats for years & years…that he can finally change & become moral when it comes to his marriage? And does that only seem to happen because there is exposure?
Is it possible that a spouse can really change his ways after the exposure of the inevitable worst case affair?
Is it possible that lies can eventually stop after months & months post DDays (2 of them) and little work on introspection?
Is it possible that returning to the scene of the crime (the shared workplace of the AP & the spouse,) will become less of a trigger (ever) for the BS?
Just wondering….?
One night many years ago i was out with a few very close friends and we had a long discussion on cheating. While the conversation lasted all evening, there were three comments that still stand out to me
The first was a friend who cheated once with a girl he worked with. His comment was that he now redefined himself as “one of those guys”, and even if it never happened again, he would forever see himself in that category.
The second was a friend who said that he found out his wife had a short lived affair. She was distraught and sorry about it and his answer to it was something along the line of “I decided I was going to love her how I would want to be loved, unconditionally. And if she stumbled and temporarily lost her way, i want to be the person she can turn to.”
The third was from a friend who got divorced from his cheating activity. His comment was that he was glad he got caught, he was tired of being seen as the person who was perfect in her eyes and could fix everything. He knew he was flawed and he felt that she never wanted to see that he was only human, she always wanted to believe he was some sort of Superman,
They will all be “one of those”. A cheater IS a cheater, but whether they repeat that or not is what defines them. I am trying so hard to not let my husband’s whore define him… but I am soooooo repulsed… at his choice of partners, that he would lie straight to my face, that he COULD DO SOMETHING SO SICK that he KNEW was wrong! I won’t ever forgive. Accept is what I am trying to do. I forgive myself for believing he was such a good person… he put on a show. Now with the changes, I have a hard time believing they are real since his “show” lasted for 2 years… I am trying to move forward, but the past keeps dragging me down. No longer do I take him at face value… and that will forever be the result of his “mistake”, so in that way, he is definitely defined differently now.
My feelings have always been just this in my marriage: My desire is to always be with and toward my husband, and it’s not so hard to do this, if you are truly committed…and not going on a promise.
I really don’t want to be defined by my terrible actions. We all have different needs and insecurities, I have discovered that I have been driven by mine much more than I realised. I am now totally horrified by the things that have been done by me and wish I could turn the clock back. Fortunately, my wonderful wife is willing to stay with me and to talk it through, even though it has been the most painful experience of her life.
So far, not many people know about it, so we haven’t had to suffer the stares and comments of others. People like a disaster to stare at and we don’t need that extra stress in our lives just now.
A word of advice to those newly betrayed;
Keep it to yourselves as much as you can. Other people are gossips. We told a close friend and she was overheard last week being very indiscreet about someone else’s affair which she should have kept quiet about. We now worry that she is passing it on about us.
So true Poppet. I told a good friend and like all others I told, I told her please don’t say anything to anybody about this. Well, one week later her brother gave me a name of a good lawyer.
I have told other friends that I have had as my backbone for the past 4 months.They have been total support and have only talked to me about this ugly situation.
As for my therapist, she wants to fix me up with my friends brother and gave me an assignment to go talk to the lawyer as my homework. Something of which that I have repeatedly sayed that I don’t want to do because I want to work out my marrieage. Needless to say I found a new therapist.
Poppet,
I agree that not everyone should know, at least in my situation, but at the same time, THAT makes the whole situation even worse sometimes. The lies and secrets become the betrayed’s secrets now that they have to keep… something they have to deal with pretty much alone and with the one who hurt them so bad – and that is NOT an easy place to be in. Therapy doesn’t work for all, and some of us don’t have the money to go from therapist to therapist until we find a “good” one… I know as the BS that I have felt more alone keeping HIS secret than I have ever felt in my entire life. I resent having to maintain HIS reputation, when clearly HE didn’t care enough about it to not be a cheater! So again, the responsibility of maintaining REAL life falls to me, and I am already so hurt that this is just another truly UNFAIR thing to ask of a BS. On the same hand, I am soooo utterly humiliated by what my husband has done that I don’t WANT everyone to know. It is just another way that the affair abuses the BS. More secrets and lies and pretending that the BS had no part in but yet now has to deal with. This is also not reality. Nobody in our family knows that we have been on the verge of divorce for 9 months, and our friends… I don’t even see them anymore because I don’t feel real around them because they don’t know….. So now I am stuck in a lie because HE lied…. If you didn’t want everyone to know, you shouldn’t have done what you did. It is up to the BS who should be told, and I don’t believe that the CS has ANY right to expect otherwise. I don’t want everyone to know because I am still on the fence about where the relationship is going, and I don’t want it to affect his job (was with a co-worker) in case we do end up getting through all of this mess. If we can’t get through it though, EVERYONE will know, including the OW’s husband, who I never did tell out of pity for him – didn’t want to put him through what I was going through. I feel bad about that, but it isn’t my job to protect the perpetrators if my life falls apart because of their CHOICE.
The more it gets around, the more you WILL be defined by it.
jackie; I also believe that affairs share common features with addictions. There is a well known TV chef in the UK who was recently prosecuted for shoplifting and I thought that there were similar features about the situation. Why did he do it when he had everything etc,..?
Poppet,
I am glad to see that your making amends with your wife.
Unfortunatetly gossip is something that takes on a life
of this own, we all have been guilty of it one time or another,
which is also wrong. I’m sure at some point in our lives
we all have been talked about also. Gossip has hurt many
families and friendships. Most of the time gossip is filled
with half truths and lies.
With that being said, as long as your being truthful with
your wife now, should the news of your past affair break lose
and more people find out, you need to hold your head
high and keep moving forward, within a few days it will
run its course and become old news.
I wish you and your wife the best.
Do you feel that your spouse/partner is now defined based on their cheating activities? Why or why not?
I think that the answer to this question will depend greatly on the status of the couple’s relationship during that time when the infidelity is discovered.
There will be a lot of other different factors that will be in play here as well, like the cheated-on spouse’s relationship history — if he or she had been cheated on in the past, or if he or she has never been cheated on; or the cheating spouse’s attitude toward his or her partner — whether he or she is regretful, apologetic, or doesn’t care at all.
Whether or not it’s happened for the first time or has happened before will also be a factor. If your spouse is a one-time cheater, there could be some things that happened that pushed him or her to get involved in an affair, and it’s very likely that you can save your marriage.
My cheating wife has a character flaw — an excessive need for attention — and a gross naivete about the intentions of men. But I have character flaws too and, in certain circumstances, I believe that I might have succumbed to temptation and had a EA or PA. Therefore, I see her as human and imperfect, just like me.
To me, the key for a couple to recover from an EA is honesty. I don’t need a vow or a complete affirmation of the marriage to heal — I just need honesty in her actions, statements and professed emotions so that I know when my line has been crossed. I’m 8 months post D-Day and the OM hasn’t relented his pursuit. My wife won’t reply and she tells me that she’s attracted to me and while she still has strong feelings for the OM she won’t act on it.
Imperfect, awful, but as long as she’s HONEST then I have hope for a new better relationship. One day her confusion will fade and I think she’ll grow up and realize the disaster that she brought on herself and our family.
Do you feel that your spouse/partner is now defined based on their cheating activities?
Why or why not?
I try to tell myself that he is not but it is hard not to. You see I was the OW many years ago. After getting married I have known of 3 times that when things got rough he will talk to other women about our problems. It wasn’t until this last time that it was more than just talk. He said that he actually have feeling for this OW. WE are working on our relationship, but I ask him to get help on how to identify the sings of infidelity because I don’t think I can keep been a doormat. At the same time I feel that it my fault that this is happening to me. After all I did break another person’s heart by taking him away from her and her family.
Does a cheater have character flaws whether or not they are a one-time cheater or a serial cheater?
Flaws, yes. He is too much of a flirt with other women. He told me that he doesn’t even realize that. But you can tell that it is personality. One thing that he is working on after I ask him about it. Don’t know if he will ever be able to change it but at least I got his word that he is going to try.
S,
I am sure if you could go back in time and reverse your
choices you would have. However the past is over and
you need to forgive yourself of your past.
Your the betrayed spouse now and I know your hurting.
As you know your husband is responsible for his own
choices and it very much appears he tends to repeat
his same behavior patterns.
Counseling could be a big help if he is willing to go.
Keep posting lots of good people here to help.
I wonder sometimes that if my wife of now 26 years, could go back in time if she would still marry me or not. She had one boyfriend before me, I say boy because he was 17, and that’s who her, she says only EA with. She was telling him that after 23 years she still loved him, that she only married me because he cheated on her. If that’s true she takes revenge seriously, because it’s lasted 26 years now. Her EA lasted almost 3 years.
Today is one of those days when I’m brought up short about who my H was at the time he started his affair. I found a tweet he’d posted on his account just days after he’d returned from Boston, when he’d ‘slept’ with the OW, i.e. before he even ‘loved’ her. He tweeted ‘back from talking to architects in Boston, more fun than I expected…’. This tweet I hadn’t seen before but it does define what a cheater is like at the time. He was there, days after, describing ruining his marriage of 13 years, as a bit of fun. It made me wonder if he was still thinking that the fun he had was worth it or if it was still ‘fun’?
Sent me to a bad place again and, I know, it was writing at the time and not more recent (though, heaven knows his writings more recetly have been far more painful because they are done in the full knowledge of the pain he caused and causes) so it should be kept in the past. They’re just things that I still don’t know how to deal with. They make me angry. So angry that I had to get up in the middle of the night and destroy the picture he brought back from that trip. It’s the last reminder in my home of that ill-fated (as far as I’m concerned anyway) trip of his. Where he went on a trip in the hope that he would have an affair. Cheaters, at the time of what they do, really are selfish, mean and horrid people. It’s what they do after discovery, or after they awake from the fog, that should really define them. If, like my H, they continue to blame everyone except themselves, then they are defined by their cowardice and fear. If they look inside themselves to see what they need to do to stop causing their loved ones pain again then they are defined by their courage.