Good Wednesday to everyone!

This week’s discussion was actually recommended by one of our readers as she is heading into her first D-day anniversary and is rather terrified by the notion.

Here is a portion of her e-mail that she sent to us to give you all a little background:

We are approaching our first D-Day Anniversary in March…and the thought of it is terrifying. Seeing those dates on the calendar causes anxiety, and the discovery process began on St. Patrick’s Day and everything green and shamrock-y that I see is already triggering terrible feelings. I can feel myself falling back into a dark place, and I’m bracing for the worst, as the actual date approaches. I know my emotions are likely to get the best of me…I would love to hear from others who have made it past that one year mark. I am curious how people dealt with the day, how those uncontrollable emotions crept up, what cheating spouses did to help etc.

So…

How did you deal with your first year anniversary of D-day?

How did you deal with the emotions?

Did your spouse help you to get through it?  If so, how?

Any other words of wisdom?

Please respond to each other in the comment section!

Linda & Doug

See also  How to Handle Triggers - You Decide!

    51 replies to "Discussion – Dealing With the D-day Anniversary"

    • JJ

      I think here, one of the areas of focus becomes “Enlightenment”, that period that comes sometime after, when everyone is done blaming and real communication actually begins. That becomes another anniversary that carries many positives.

      For many, I think “D-Day” is their rock bottom, that point where, while they may not know it at the time, their bubble begins to pop and the pain begins to set in.

      “Enlightenment” is the anniversary of self awareness, the pivitol point where real communication begins, and there is a glimmer of hope that while things will never be the same, there are many positives that might not have been there for a long time, and those can become a new foundation

    • SH

      thanks jj. we must be in similar places. this journey has been hellish but i have learned so much about myself, as has my cheating partner. we will likely be able to work towards a deeper and more intentional partnership that is more gratifying and peaceful and fun and responsible and tender. i like the idea of rewriting d-day as the breaking point and beginning of self-awareness and change and growth.

      god if we could have done it without the ea, but … still

      it is a more positive spin on the day and hopeful and lovely for those who are truly healing from these deep wounds.

      thank you.

      • JJ

        SH,

        Thanks, I’m still unsure if the EA was the end result of an underlying issue, or just another symptom.

        In my case, deep down, i KNEW it wasn’t a good situation to be in. I had become attached to someone as equally broken as I was. In fact, I would say that it was her “brokenness” that I was mostly attracted to. She was a great distraction from myself.

        Could it have happened without the EA? I really dont know. To be honest, I think there would have been some other form of self destructive behavior in its place. Anything to provide that adreneline rush that at least allowed me to feel something. (An interesting point I learned: as men get older and testosterone falls, so do seratonin levels. Under times of stress, adreniline becomes the feel good chemical. Looking for that next adreneline rush is quite common).

    • SH

      Yeah, JJ. that is pretty honest though scary and sounds familiar. Being alive is certainly hard and feeling alive illusive, it seems. Mindfulness certainly teaches us that being present is always possible and anywhere and often in the simple gestures of ordinary life. Hope your path of Enlightenment allows for you to discover such a thing.

    • Notoverit

      D-day was doubly awful for me. We had gone through a year of counseling and were seeming to be getting back on track a bit. I kept having this nagging feeling, though, that my H wasn’t being truthful with me or the counselor. He kept saying that he didn’t love the OW; it was just the rush of doing the texting and talking. About nine days before D-day we were talking and he, out of the blue, told me that he had to be honest and tell me that he felt, at the time of the EA, that he was in love with the OW. He had lied to me for the entire year. That sent me crashing back to the very beginning. I started all over again with the feelings of betrayal and hurt. When D-day rolled around, I was in such depths of despair I couldn’t think. So I guess i didn’t really deal with my first D-day. I will have to try what you guys said – look at it like it is a time when we finally started understanding the mess we were in at the time. I guess I have two D-days now, one right after the other. November of this year is going to be fun…

    • rachel

      Notoverit, my D-day is also Nov. can’t even visualize where I will be at that point. H said he wants to work on us. Why? Did the ow decide to stay with her husband? Is it because I booked a trip in the summer with my two boys now the H wants to come? Can’t be because he’s in love with me because he already said that he isn’t. Can’t say that he wants to be happy with me because he was unhappy for 15 years with me. Said in June that he wants to fall in love with someone else. Now he saying that he felt that way in June??? I’m still just as confused and confused. I thought that I would feel differently when the day came that he wanted to work things out. I feel different alright. Not sure If I want to stay in this marriage. Can’t forget what he’s done and said to me. His words haunt me. Just can’t get passed that.

      • Notoverit

        Hey Rachel, I understand your confusion. Have you written all this down for your H? Told him exactly in blunt terms how conflicted you are? I am sure you have but I like to do things in writing so the H can refer to it if he forgets. LOL Tell him, like I told my H, you have to WIN me back and right now you are failing miserably. That set a fire under my H’s a$$ to get busy doing what he needed to do to set things right. He fails sometimes but for the most part he is listening to the counselor and doing the things I need to recover. I don’t know if this helps. I certainly would tell your H no trip with the family – he’s already had his little vacation. BUT if you really work on it, we’ll see. It might make him realize some things. Just a thought.

    • Lynne

      I see an unfortunate theme here–my D-day was also in November! Geez, what was in the water!!!

      • Notoverit

        Okay ladies – mine was November 15. What were yours?

    • DJ

      My D-day was October 17. I went back and looked at the note I wrote to my coach on that day. My husband knew as well as I did what day it was, but neither of us wanted to talk about it. That created an uneasy tension for a few days beforehand. My husband suffered an anxiety attack the day before. He felt his life was out of control.

      On that morning, we had a huge fight. I stayed in bed later than usual. I was feeling depressed and just needed a little time before facing the day. My husband came in and asked what I was doing still in bed. I said I was just a little down and would get up in a few minutes. He blew up. He said he didn’t believe I could still be in pain and that I was torturing him to get even. We didn’t talk for the rest of the day.

      So no, he did not help me in any way. He needed more help than I did, but I did not try to patch things up in any way.

      I think talking about it ahead of time would help – acknowledging that it would be a difficult day, maybe making some plans for it, and accepting whatever feelings came up. At the point of our D-day, however, my husband would not have wanted to talk about it and we would have fought even more if I had tried.

      I must say, though, that for me personally, the day was not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. I went to work, had lunch with friends, and spent a quiet evening writing to my coach. My husband did suffer much.

      Maybe next year, if we are still together, we can create some good memories…

    • Ifeelsodumb

      I chose to look at my DDay as one year since he had had ANY communication with the OW! I decided to make it a day to celebrate…so I did! I actually had a good time on DDay 🙂
      Of course, my DDay was January 1 thru the 3rd with the 3rd being the day he actually confessed after trying to lie his way out of it!
      And if it’s been a year of NC for you and your spouse, then celebrate that…don’t let the bad feelings overwhelm you…then the OW/OM wins again! Just my thoughts..

      • DJ

        Good thoughts – I have read things like it before, but have not been able to live it. Your thoughts are a good reminder that I need to work on that. Thank you!

      • Paula

        IFSD, so wonderful 🙂

        I hesitate to say it, because it’s really not, but after the first “anniversary” it is “just another day” – it’s all in the way you approach it, an awakening, a marker for the tool for growth – whether that’s with your spouse, or on your own separate, but still wonderful journey, it’s growth, sad, hard but definitely growth. The celebration IFSD speaks of, for so many of you, will be a relief that you (both) “caught it” in time, before it became even worse, maybe sexual, maybe “fog-talk” into a new relationship with the OP, no matter how long or short that may last. All my very best to your reader in coping and flourishing!

    • rachel

      My H tonight said to me that he didn’t think of me when he was with the ow or how it would make me feel. He also said that he should have had a physical affair. I think that was the last straw.

      • Lynne

        Rachel-

        I’m sure your H must have redeeming qualities, but as to his STUPID statement above, he should get the prize for being the KING OF ASSES right now!!!

        If he were my H, I’d tell him “It’s your lucky day asshole, I am setting you free to have all the physical affairs you want, and I wish you nothing but the best in your new life!”.

        Hang in there Rachel.

    • rachel

      Pretty sure he’s still texting her. Went CRAZY when i took his phone tonight. Of course he’s got a lock on it and wouldnt tell me the password. Guilty in my eyes!! so DONE!

      • Notoverit

        So sorry for you Rachel! Sounds like he is in the fog really badly. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. Does the OW”s husband know about all this? If not, I think it might be time to tell him. If your H is wanting to really work on things, he should be totally transparent, including with the phone. Maybe if the OW’s H knows about this, he can stop the mess. I still would stand up for myself in your situation. Your H sounds like he has some real problems. Take care of yourself and forget talking to him about this. I know it’s hard but back off and refuse to discuss it. LIve, as my counselor told me, like you are single in the marriage, i.e. do the things that make you happy (she isn’t advocating dating or anything like that, just live without considering your H for the moment). I don’t remember your story about the OW but I wonder how she would be if her H tells her no contact. What do you think? Would it help?

      • ifeelsodumb

        Rachel….again, it’s your H who needs to fix himself, you can’t do it! From what you’re saying, it sounds to me like he’s going out of his way to hurt you…on purpose!
        And please remind me, how long was your H’s EA? I read so many sad stories, it’s hard to keep track!
        And yes, if he’s locked his phone, that IS a red flag, and AGAIN, very hurtful to YOU!
        As for your H telling you he never thought of you when he was with the OW, that’s pretty normal, my H told me the same thing…it was all about him….my H didn’t spend anytime with the OW, theirs was a long distance relationship..Thank Goodness!
        You need to concentrate on yourself and your children…do things with them, get out of the house…let him SEE that you can AND will have a life…with or without him!
        To me, it seems like your H is acting like a 5 yr old…he can’t have his toy (the OW) so he’s going to make you pay for it…very immature!!
        BTW, does anyone else know about this? Maybe it’s time to call in some family members that he loves and respects…so they can look him in the face and ask him what the heck is he doing? Don’t know if that would work…just a thought!

    • InTrouble

      Rachel, I’m curious as to why your H hasn’t left, or more importantly, why you haven’t left him. Clearly that’s what he wants and what would be best for you. What prevents you from saving yourself?

      • Lynne

        I have to agree with InTrouble. There’s that old saying that goes, “we teach people how to treat us”. Fog or no fog, your H is somehow under the impression that he can just throw these daggers out at random.

        There comes a time (for your own well being) when you have to say enough is enough…..”I will sit with you and talk about us and where we go from here, but if you continue to spew comments about the joys of the OW, and your wish to have had a PA, I will calmly get up and leave the room. And if you continue to be unable to control yourself in this area, we will need to start discussing a separation”.

        This will show him that you respect yourself and will no longer expose yourself to his ridiculous nonsense! As to his phone being locked, this clearly suggests that he has something to hide. Do you want to continue to live this way? If not, it seems there is nothing left to say to him and that its time to start making plans for a new life.

        • Healing Mark

          Rachel. One of my favorite names. I’m so sorry that you are going through what you are going through. For what it is worth, my wife and I gained so much from joint and individual marriage counseling, although with our counselor, a prerequisite to beginning sessions with her (yes, I very much wanted a femaie counselor, and was fortunate to find someone who had successfully worked with another couple very close to my wife and me) was that both my wife and I were committed to doing everything we could reasonably do to remain happily married. Things had changed quite a bit in our lives (including my wife’s EA which was suspected but not confirmed when my wife and I started counseling), and neither of us were acting like the partners we wanted to be. It was very helpful having an experienced third-party pointing out harmful behaviors and assisting us in finding ways to stop engaging in them. Also, just knowing that my wife was committed to staying married made the process of shedding the “bad” and finding and keeping the “good” so much easier.

          We didn’t need a lot of sessions, as what we were able to take out of the ones we had, again both joint and individual, continue to help us deal with the occasional bad times and interact together in ways that for the most part keep us not only sane, but quite happy. One thing that our counselor was able to do quite effectively was point out to me ways in which I used words to hurt my wife at times when I was hurt or feeling abandoned by my wife (damn her EA!). Oftentimes, I knew that what I was saying was inappropriate, and apologizing afterwards, no matter how sincere, still did not erase all of the damage caused by my words. Other times, I wasn’t really aware of the hurtfulness of what I was saying, and the counselor helped in this regard. She also helped my wife and I to understand the many ways that our own emotions and perceptions could impact what one or the other of us were saying to the other, so we could also understand how the same thing said to one of us might be fine under certain circumstances, and yet quite hurtful under other circumstances.

          Much of what you have described your husband having said to you is, of course, very disrespectful toward you. When my wife and I were in bad places for various reasons, we were each unfortunately quite successful and being disresptful towards each other. Now, we knew that acting this way was “wrong” and was harming us and our marriage. The key was identifying various reasons we were resorting to this type of behavior and addressing the same. My wife and I found that acting in ways that made it easier for one of us to respect the other was a great way to prevent disrespectful comments/actions from taking place.

          Finally, a locked phone amounted to a deal-breaker for my wife and me, although my wife had to be somewhat persuaded by me and our counselor that in this regard, transparency trumped her privacy. Just my opinion, but engaging in any behavior that is secretive amounts to disrespecting your spouse, especially something as obvious as a locked phone. I no longer feel the need to check my wife’s phone like I did for some time after the discovery of her EA, but her willingness to allow me to do so goes a LONG WAY to enabling me to trust her once again. Neither one of us should have anything on our phones that the other would find hurtful or inappropriate, so denying the other the ability to confirm this fact just screams, IMHO, “I’m hiding something!”. Don’t mean to be disrespectful to your H, but he is being an unbelievable a-hole by insisting on having a locked phone after admittedly having an affair with another woman. I don’t know about you, but I tend to like to stay away from people who consistently act like unbelievable a-holes!

          Good luck with all.

          • rachel

            Healing Mark- Thank you for your comments. My H won’t go to couples counseling. He goes to a “man’s counselor”. I go to a marriage/family therapist.
            As far as the phone, when he was seeing her he told me that he immediately erased her text messages from her and what he sent to her was erased.
            Our 19 year old son said that he probably had her name under another name, just to hide her out.
            And yes I agree he is being an unbelievable ahole!

            • Healing Mark

              Rachel, the ending of any relationships, much less those that involve marriage and children like yours, always suck. Best to get it over with and move on to a better place for you and your children. Who cares what his family says or thinks. Actually, who cares what anyone says or thinks. Your feelings are what are important, so do everything that you can to keep yourself mentally and emotionally as healthy as you can.

              As to deleting all outgoing and incoming communications, my wife at her worst was doing the same thing, or so she thought. Even though I now can access her phone at anytime, she can do the same thing, but that’s not the point. You see, when she thought she was deleting all “incriminating” evidence of her EA, one night she fell asleep before deleting all such info, not to mention the fact that texts came in after she was asleep that just happened to reflect the fact that she had had an EA with the “friend” I had suspected. Unfortunately for her, and perhaps for me as well, we had had a bad fight that night and I went into the guest bedroom where she was sleeping that night and picked up her phone. She recognizes that had she kept it locked, I would not have created our D-day, but she also admits that keeping her phone locked from me would have been a fairly large step towards our getting divorced.

              I can’t imagine that your sons are all that proud of what their father is doing. And your husband should be ashamed at the “example” he is setting for them. So sorry that this is happening to you. God bless.

    • rachel

      Introuble- My H won’t leave. His lawyer said he can stay up until divorce day. I asked him why because he is so toxic to me.My dr. and therapist said to me not to leave. And why should I. He’s the one who went outside the marriage.
      Notoverit-I don’t know if the ow husband knows anything about what has happened. My H won’t even tell me his first name. I don’t even know her last name!!
      ifeelsodumb-I agree with you that he is going out of his way to hurt me. I feel he wants me to file so he doesn’t look like the bad guy even though he’s the one that had the EA.I do live my own life and have been for about a year now. He doesn’t care he infact prefers when I’m not here.
      His family does know. His mother said she is 100% behind him no matter what he does. And his sister came here to talk to him about the EA and give him a piece of her mind and he turned the tables and it was a bash session on me. They went through all of my faults and he came out smelling like a rose.
      Lynne- Yes he is king of ASSES!!
      Thank you all!

      • Lynne

        Rachel-

        Were I in your situation, I don’t know that I would dig my heels in about “not being the one to leave”. I would suggest consulting an attorney on this, rather than going on the advice of your Dr. and Therapist. I completely get that there’s a pride thing here, but at what cost to you? And if you file first, so he doesn’t have to feel the guilt, then so be it. These power struggles only prolong the pain–and regardless of who files or leaves first, no one is a winner in this.

        If living with him is what you need to do for now, but you see the marriage as being over, then it might benefit you to NOT have any discussions with him other than talking about your children or finances. If he will not speak to you with some level of respect, and only wants to sing the virtues of his misdeeds, why engage in any way with that? It only serves to cause more pain for you–at this point, you need to shelter yourself from further abuse.

        • rachel

          I don’t want to leave because that means that I will have to uproot my 15 year old son. He’s been through so much since nov. I do need to go to an attorney.
          I am not having any discussions with him. He gets me so enraged and almost seems to enjoy it. He see’s how it is breaking me down but continues to do it. Hasn’t he damaged me enough??

      • Notoverit

        Was the OW someone he went to school with? Maybe you could contact someone who was around them at the time and they could give you the name. HIre a PI and get him to trace her. Just a thought. I think that if the OW’s H is involved, things might cool down a bit for your H. Or it could be the push-come-to-shove and she leaves her H for yours. Sticky situation.

        I have to agree with Healing Mark – your H is acting like an a$$. Please consult a lawyer about leaving the house. If you can show this is abuse perhaps in your state there is no penalty for leaving. I honestly think that what he is doing constitutes verbal abuse and mental abuse. Take care of yourself and be strong for you and your children. Sounds to me like your H needs a very strong wake-up call. So what if you file first, he did the EA first – the REAL cause of this divorce. Never blame yourself.

        • rachel

          notoverit- Wow what a good point about the verbal and mental abuse. It is verbal abuse and mental abuse. I have said that for years. He feels that he can say whatever he wants to people and not care about hurting someone. A heritary trait that he got from his mother. Something I would’t be proud of.Perhaps this is why he doesn’t have many friends. One that I can count. And I am friends with his wife so the three of us are together quite often. Actually that is who me and my boys are going on vacation in July with.
          The OW is his ex girlfriend from 30 years ago. They worked together. She was his secretary. She now works at a store. I want my friend to call and try to get her last name. I think that her husband is abuseive. He drinks quite a bit. Well, this is what the ow told my H. She even discussed her intimitate moments with my H saying that she couldn’t stand “being” with him. During lunch. Really?? Show’s what class this homewrecking tramp has. I think my H feels sorry for her and wants to rescue her out of her miserable live. Wish someone would rescue me!

    • rachel

      I feel so dumb- sorry forgot to mention he saw her from Feb.2011 until Nov. 2011. But they have been in touch over the 30 years.Claims no contact since d-day nov.13. I don’t believe him. He lied to me and to our therapist that there wasn’t someone else. He didn’t think that she was someone else because they only went to lunch and texted. REALLY??? She is his ex from 30 years ago. A love like no other! Soul mates! She brings out the best in him. He is so happy with her.
      I thought he was out of the fog. He said on sunday he wanted to work on us. I’m done. These hurtful words do seem live we are moving in the right direction.

    • rachel

      oops! last sentence. These hurtful words do not seem like we are moving in the right direction.

    • rachel

      Just thought of this. I was at a really good place last week. Have been moving forward taking care of myself. Planned a summer vacation with my boys. Something I would never have dared to do because spending money isn’t something we didn’t do. My H even made a comment that I seemed to be in a really good place on Sunday when he said that he wanted to work on us. I agreeded but said one day at a time. Wednesday is when he said the coments to me that he should of had a physical affair and didn’t even think of me or what his EA would do to me. It’s almost like he enjoys bringing me down. Loves seeing me upset. I get angry shut him out and it’s almost what he enjoys. This though has been going on for years. He would always make a comment to me and usually hurtful and I would just shut down. Silent treatment. I just didn’t want to deal with it. I’m not a fighter but now I will discuss argue/yell and he always has the comeback now that he doesn’t like my anger and this pushes him away. So don’t say hurtful comments and there will be no anger.
      Sorry, needed to vent.

    • CBB

      Hi everyone, HELP, I’m back to day 1!!!! D-day’s anniversary is comming in april. After a hard time of him trying to be supportive some of the time and then anoyed that I wasn’t still over it. He started to tell me he knew she was a bitch but kind of liked it in a way. He pretended they had no contact apart from buisness. he told me how nasty she could be… But I suspected more, meanwhile phone has been locked and yesterday I managed to open his officemail (accidently took home his working PC). I found flirty mails dated yesterday. I’m so crushed, hardly maneging work (I work with clients all the time), no one to talk to. How do you play happy single in the marriage when you can’t stop the tears, what do you tell the children??

      • Anita

        CBB,
        Your husband led you to believe other than work, he had
        no other contact with this other woman. Then you find
        flirty mails. So you have gone through months believing
        he was being forthright and honest with you, and you were
        angry at yourself for not getting over it sooner.
        CBB, I am sorry, however its best to know the truth now
        instead of later. Your seeing the true colors of this man
        and although it hurts, its not about you. He was deceitful
        and lead you to believe something else.
        CBB I do not know the ages of your children, you need to
        consider the ages they’re at and make the descion of what your
        going to say. A 17 year will want more information then
        a 7 year old would.
        CBB its up to you do decide what you want.
        You have done your part these last several months, and
        he has done nothing but deceive you.
        Now that you know he’s not trustworthy and his promises
        are empty, and deceitful. Do you even want him?

      • Healing Mark

        CBB, my wife and I quickly decided that there was no good that would come out of telling our children, then ages 10 and 7. I also chose to only share my wife’s deceit and betrayal with our counselor and one very close mutual friend who already knew about it. If I were you, I would think long and hard about whether you address your H’s affair with your children. And then, if you chose to bring it to their attention, I suggest that you only do this after getting plenty of guidance as to the “best” way to do this.

        This may not apply to you, but as my wife and I began to work on repairing the damage caused by her EA, it became clear to me that this process would have been much more difficult for us, and perhaps made impossible, had we let our children know what thier mother had done. Understand, much as with other CS’s, my wife really, really just wanted the fact that she had had an EA to “go away”. If our children knew, and anyone other than those that knew about it as it was happening (3 people), it effectively would never “go away”. By keeping it between ourselves, she was able to sort of make it “go away” by reaching a point with me where I was able to genuinely forgive her for the EA and all it entailed.

        I will be honest with you, though. Had our work on our marriage failed and we ultimately chose to get a divorce, my wife and I were waffling on whether or not to tell the children and anyone else. I think that I would have been strong enough to leave this “detail” out of any explanation of why we were getting divorced. As much as I would have potentially been hurt by my wife’s decision to end our marriage (I felt that if I reached the point that I wanted to end our marriage, what hurt I felt at that point would not have been near enough to spur me on to further hurt my wife be exposing her as this “bad” person for cheating on her spouse), I don’t believe that letting our children and friends know all the terrible things that resulted from my wife’s EA was going to help me that much in getting over such pain. But that’s just me, and thank goodness I never got to this point, and really will never get to this point since if my wife and I ever end our marriage in the future, it realistically will not be because she had an EA. We are over it and the damage it caused. Bringing it up somewhere down the line would just be a poor, no, erroneous, reason for why we have chosen to end our marriage.

        • Anita

          Healing Mark,
          I agree with not sharing that kind of information with young
          children, however all my children were older and already
          knew what was going on, my exhusband wasn’t very
          discrete about his affair. However my children also got
          to see the the effects of an affair and the nightmares it
          caused. Therefore now in their own relationships, should
          temptations be lurking around, they will stop and think
          back how their own father’s affair effected them. So
          maybe all that pain will serve as reminder to never to that
          to their own spouses.

          • rachel

            Anita, thank you for saying that. I have been worrying/wondering how my boys will treat their girlfriends/spouses after witnessing the stunt their father has done. Never thought of it that way. That’s why I love this website!!

        • CBB

          Thanks for the sensible remaks, it was indeed my first aproach. I only told one personal friend (who’s not involved in our personal life as a couple)
          But the OW is a very intelligent and dangerous one. They work together and my H told me he’s quite afraid of her reactions so tells me he’s only trying to stay in her good books. (I know of course that this is just a small excuse, but there is some thruth to it). The only reason I would tell the OW H is that I think this might really put her straight. She is “oh-so striving for perfection” that the initial start of the EA was her calling my husband in the middle of the night because she was upset with her sisters devorce (who acutually left her H and kids to run off with the man of her life). What’s there to be upset about ??? (she’s actually happy, I would of understand beeig upset for her children or her family but no “this doesn’t happen in her family” and OW always was the perfection and her older sister the child to worry about. Hilarious don’t you think. See my point? If her H goes bazurk (and I know for a fact I’ll feel terrrible putting her H through this ordeal). She might fall hard and maybe, just maybe my H would find strenght to put it to a real end this time. NO CONTACT is almost impossible because they have to work together.
          And yes, I know I’ll be the one to have to put my foot down. But when I do I want to be prepared. I have an apointment with a solicitor (a good friend who’m I called yesterday)and I am discretely informing where to get counseling. And I want to plan that day so I am not to emotional

      • Lynne

        CBB-

        I am so sorry to hear this–on some level, we all fear this 2nd D-day experience, as it says that our spouse is now being deceptive, while knowing the deep pain their D-day #1 actions have caused us.

        Only you can decide what your limits with him are. Had you given thought to this prior to the new discovery? In other words, if it happened again, what would your response or actions be? Your H has now proven to you that he is not ready to let go of the affair–so you can accept this and stay, with the HOPE that it will get better over time, or you can draw a line that says to him, “as long as you remain involved with the OW, and as long as your phone is locked with no transparency, we need to separate”. For you to stay and continue living in this agony is not good for you or your children. While your children should not be exposed to the exact nature of what is happening in your marriage, they can be told that you and daddy are going through some ig bumps right now, and that you may be deciding to take a time out for awhile to work out your disagreements.

        I really hope that you choose to take care of yourself–to take time away from your H to breath and figure this out. You cannot convince him to stop do what he’s doing, but can only take a stand firm on what you are willing to accept in your life. If you choose to stay, then on some level you are choosing to remain in the path of more pain and anguish. To draw a line with him says, I value myself more than what you are currently offering me…..I love you, but I will not accept this treatment any longer.

    • Anita

      CBB,
      There’s so much to digest when an affair happens in a
      marriage. For myself a mistake is when you or your
      spouse balance a checkbook and a error was made
      causing problems in your checking account, its
      not a deliberate choice.
      An affair is a deliberate choice, its deceitful and undermining towards marriage. When your spouse
      goes out of the boundaries within the marriage once it’s
      bad enough, however to continue to go out of those
      boundaries shows he lacks respect for you and himself.
      Now its your choice to stay or leave, if you stay you already
      know the history. You now have to be accountable for
      your choices, if you stay and he does this again, your
      the one who put yourself back into that postion.
      You can’t change him, however your responsible for
      your own choices.

      • Anita

        CBB,
        I have been in your shoes, I know how deseparelty I wanted
        my ex husband to be a husband who was faithful and who
        would put the needs of his children and I above an
        adulterous affair. But he didn’t and continued his affair,
        without caring about us. Its heartbreaking when a spouse
        gets into a affair that undermines a marriage, yet alone
        doesn’t care how his actions effected many lives other
        than their own.
        However, it was my responsibility to make choices to
        protect myself from any further injury.
        If he wasn’t going to adhere to the vows within our marriage
        I had to make a choice to stay or leave, so I told him to
        straighten up or get out, he brought divorce papers.
        So that was the end.
        CBB, even though you did your part and have tried, there
        comes a point where you now need to protect yourself.
        Now you need to make choices to protect you.
        Both you and your husband need to sit down and work out
        what would be the best for your children and their needs
        above both of yours.
        Your childrens needs are the highest priority, before yours
        or your husbands.
        However, at the same protecting you from any further injury.
        My very best to you and your children.

    • CBB

      Thanks Anita,
      I think the adoration of the OW is meerly a reflection of the problems in our marriage.And she loves the attention. We dropt the subject and tried to move on both doing our best in the marriage. Problem is I don’t feel strong enough to work on those problems before getting over the EA. I first chose not to break another marriage by talking to the H (I still think he doesn’t know and that OW bathmouthed me for him to believe I’m the reason were not seeing each other anymore (used to be friends, gooing on holiday together.) maybe I should confront him. Maybe presure on both sides might move something (whatever the direction). Kids are 4-5 and 7.Our eldest girls used to be best friends untill they moved to another school. My doughter is heartbroken and missing her friend asking me daily why I won’t invite her…

      • Anita

        CBB,
        Even if the other woman has been bad mouthing you behind your back to him. He is still responsible to
        the vows within your marraige. His job is to tell her
        that your his wife and because you two are married, he
        will not have anymore contact, because she does not
        respect you or your marriage.
        As far as your children, their way to young to understand,
        therefore, you need to say to your daughter, yes I know
        you miss your friend, however lets go do _____.
        In time she will stop asking and if she doesn’t you can tell
        her that you have other plans do on this or that day.
        In time she will find a new friend, and that will help.
        Your husband needs to see the importance of getting this
        other woman out of you lives forever, if he can’t, your in
        for much heartache down the road.
        Also, his lack of respect for your feelings, is a huge
        problem.
        If you can get him into marrige counseling, your marriage
        may stand a chance.

      • JJ

        CBB,

        I would also consider that the adoration of the OW is a reflection of problems within the person involved in the EA, and less to do with problems inside the marriage.

        I would bet my bottom dollar that the OW is as emotionally
        unavailable as your spouse. Like attracts like, and healthy and unhealthy people dont mix. And while it may appear that they were and are emotionally available to each other, I would suggest that the attachment is based off of their similar “fuckedupedness”.

        Sometimes we are attracted to someone else’s energy because it is a mirror image of our own. And coming across someone else who radiates a similar trait makes someone feel less messed up. Unfortunately its nothing more than a distraction from one own’s issues.

        My point is to simply not beat yourself up, and understand that the issue lies within him, and not so much issues within the relationship.

    • Anita

      CBB,
      If you want your marraige to work this other woman has to
      be gone period. NO CONTACT.
      You need to tell your husband he is never to have contact
      with her ever. You need to put your foot down and hard,
      and let him know you want marraige counseling now.
      In counseling they will help him understand, that outside
      influences can and do destroy many many marriages.
      You need to get some counseling for yourself to get
      strenght to set down boundaries that won’t be crossed
      by others.
      If he refuses, you have your answer.

    • DRIVERS SEAT

      It was the 1st anniversary of d-day on the 19th of this month…. Looking back now, I have decided it was HIS character flaw that allowed this to happen. It was a PA that my Partner had with the ow…. It lasted 1 month… he was laid off of work decided to meet up with her for lunch… she had started to call him unbeknownst to me…. I was working every day, he told me she chased him relentlessly….. I found out after he stopped seeing her… He said she threatened him with telling me… she told his niece about what was going on between them…His Niece told my daughter, who told my sister and the two of them together told me on the 19th of last year…. The ow is a notorious home wrecker, w/quite a long history of “Chasing Married MEN”. Although I knew her we were never friends. His actions and choices during that time were ALL ABOUT HIMSELF!!!! Sneaking, Cheating, and Lying…. there was a noticeable disconnect in his behavior, although we were intimate during this time too. I thought maybe it was me….. LOL, like so many of the VICTIMS, always thinking “I” did something, not him….. well, we have been through a tough year…. Counseling, family knowing…. still on a Road to Recovery, Reconnection or at best LOVE full throttle… I have been with him 16 yrs… he said he wants to make this work…. soul mates…. Well I’m sure the road has more turns and may even need to be repaved…. but we are still together, everyday making choices that will impact our future…. the 19th is like any other day for me… I am in a better place now… I’m the driver not a passenger :>) Please Take care of YOU 1st…. a truly honorable person in your life or significant other will understand YOU are deserving of that! A ROAD WELL TRAVELED!

    • BBB

      My husband of 16 years told me on Dec 5th, 2011 that he had an EA 6 years that ended after they had sex 1 time… I thought, ok, why are you telling me this? Then he goes on to say that the woman had contacted him in October and they had picked back up with the AE and that she had given birth to his child and had been lying to her husband all these years…. Ok – information overload!

      Long story made shorter – he wrestled with what to do, who to be with and decided Jan 3rd to stay and honor our marriage. The only problem is, they may have a friggin kid together. He has been continuing to talk to her to try and work out the details of telling her husband so that he can be in the child’s life. She is refusing to tell her H. So now we are taking her to court…. But I think he still has feelings for her even though she is a lying and manipulative wench. He hasn’t had communication with her since she has been served but this woman will be in our life for the next 13 years and now, I’m going to have to send her a check every month for child support. Rrrrrrr!!!!!

      • Ifeelsodumb

        BBB….is your H SURE the child is his?? You said “She is a lying and manipulative wench.” So maybe the reason she hasn’t told HER H is because the child IS his? And what about the child…how is this going to affect him/her….to have the only father they’ve ever known ripped away from them?? If the OW and her H are good parents….would it not be better to wait til the child is a little older? Just a thought…

    • BBB

      Hi, yes there is a possibility that she’s not his but she looks just like our 4 year old (they are 10 mos apart – mine being the youngest). My husband has very distinct features. That won’t determine paternity but when my H told the OW that he was working on our marriage, she starting refusing to let him see the child and then refused to allow paternity testing. My H absolutely loves his children, he is a great father and has strong family values (other than the momentary lapse in judgement dealing with the affair). Plus, he was contacted by a couple of her family members stating that the OW’s H is very abusive to the OW and to his alledged daughter. If that’s true, don’t we have a responsibility to the child to protect her?!? It would be nice to not care (and walk from the nightmare completely), but that’s just not how we are designed. Part of the petition to the court was for a motion for genetics testing.

      • Ifeelsodumb

        BBB,
        Based on what you have said, then l applaud you, for wanting what is best for this little girl!
        If it helps…my best friends H had an affair and a child was the result….my friend took in the child, after it was determined that the mother was NOT a good mother….she is now divorced from her cheating H…(he cheated AGAIN, with a different woman)…BUT my friend has full custody and is raising the child, now 8 yrs old!!
        I have told her often, “You are a remarkable woman” AND on top of that, she has 3 other children, she works a full time job in law enforcement!
        Like I said…a remarkable woman!!
        Hope it all works out well for you and your H!!

        • BBB

          Thanks for your comments Paula and Ifeelsodumb. I really can’t take any credit for the decision to accept this child into my family, I have to give all of the credit to my relationship with my Lord and Savior. I believe that this little girl is not at all to blame for her existence. Her mother and my husband were selfish and in return produced a child. I’m a little concerned about my 3 children and how they will handle this news once it comes out (if she is indeed his child) but I’d rather deal with that now and tell them the truth than for them to find out years later that their mother and father kept a very big secret from them for many years. We’ve always told them that there’s nothing that they could ever do to make us stop loving them – but if we never accepted his child into our home as our family, could they begin to doubt that we ever really loved them? I don’t know…

    • Paula

      BBB, I applaud your motives here, this is one of the nightmare scenarios I went through immediately following the affair discovery – my OH had started to suspect his AP was trying to get pregnant, she already had a 4 year old son, and he was conceived by stealing semen from a used condom from another affair partner of hers (I KNOW!!) We contracted an STI from her, so they were not practising safe sex, either! I thought long and hard about how I would handle a child born into the world in these circumstances. I believe I would have done as you have, and would love that child as one of his, and do whatever it took that was in the best interests of that child to give him or her a loving start in life, however, I was also aware that this is a constant reminder of his infidelity, a trigger if you like, and had to be completely honest with myself about whether I was strong enough for that.

      I wish you all the very best in the resolution of this mess, and that the little girl ends up with the best result for her, and it goes without saying, the very best result for you two as well, bless.

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