bunny boilerHello everyone!

This week we’re going to talk about the scorned lover – actually something probably far more threatening – the “bunny boiler.”

I know from reading past comments that some of you have had the misfortune of not only having to deal with the various relationship consequences of your or your spouse’s affair, but also with the actions of the ex-affair partner.

In case you aren’t familiar with the term “bunny-boiler,” it’s derived from the movie Fatal Attraction and its use in general refers to someone unable to remain rational at the end of a romantic relationship.

The plot of the movie centers around the character played by Glenn Close, who was the other woman in an affair with Michael Douglas’ character and who pursued him obsessively after the relationship ended abruptly. 

The phrase “bunny boiler” comes as the culmination of stalking and harassment due to Close’s character’s  frenzied jealousy and her inability to accept that Douglas ended the affair. She throws acid onto his car, calls him on the phone obsessively and hangs up, stalks him at his office. Eventually when nothing else is working, she boils his daughter’s beloved pet rabbit.

Perhaps you or your family has endured a similar type of situation.  Hopefully not as psycho, but crazy enough just the same.

Perhaps you received numerous calls to your house.  Maybe the OP tried to call or email your spouse, family members or friends to make threats or spread lies about you or your spouse.  Perhaps there were veiled threats of physical violence or other type of threats.  Maybe the OP showed up at your place of work of stalked you at home or in public places. 

See also  Marriage After an Affair – Can it be a Happy One?

I think you get the idea of what we’re talking about here.

So, our discussion this week…

Have you or your spouse experienced an ex-affair partner’s irrational and bunny-boiler-type crazy acts after the affair ended? 

If so, please describe the craziness and how you handled it and what the result was.

Please be sure to respond to one another in the comment section below.


Linda & Doug


    43 replies to "Discussion – Dealing With a ‘Bunny Boiler’"

    • chiffchaff

      Thankfully the OW buggered off without doing anything like this. I feel that she couldn’t deal with the fact that there was a wife being damaged by her actions so she tried to avoid ever considering that I existed or that I was real. She clearly made up some sort of fantasy, aided completely by my H and his own need for justifications, about the ‘type’ of sad sack person I must be if my H wanted to have an affair with her (or more likely how bloody amazing and drop dead gorgeous she must be to attract a married man from what I’ve seen of her blog musings).
      I feel that if she’d tried to contact me or stalk me I would be in prison by now.

      • exercisegrace

        I thought I would be in prison too. In the end though, I decided she was not worth it. Having to warn our kids that she was a potential threat, and what to do if she ever approached them was crushing to my husband. Knowing what he Allowed into our lives…..beyond words.

    • exercisegrace

      Definitely a bunny boiler in our case. After he ended the affair, and she exhausted herself trying to get him back, she let the crazy out. Crying, cut up wrists, a death threat, and the grand finale involved attorneys. While dealing with the devastating blow of betrayal, I had to fight against total ruin in all aspects of our life from a vindictive hateful person. Whose own attorney dropped her, and felt compelled to tell ours that she was “over the top crazy” and we should “be aware”. Also with a side dish of cyber-stalking/bullying us and our older kids.

      You know what though? As much as I wish she hadn’t gone nutso, she did me a favor. She showed her true colors. Any lingering sense of pity or guilt he felt towards her about the affair vanished immediately. Nothing blows the fog of affair away quicker than the person who supposedly “loved” you trying to destroy your life and hurt your family. It sickens him to think of what he almost lost for someone so blatantly NOT who she portrayed herself to be and who was SO NOT WORTH IT.

      • Hopeful

        Woah, Exercisegrace, that is crazy cakes.

        My OW is not crazy: just sad and desperate for attention. She fancies herself as a nice, creative, vibrant, modern woman, field of women, politically savvy, well read, and all around goodie goodie. Sometimes I’ve thought it would’ve be easier to contend with a boiler. J/K

        So did come to several public events that my H and I were obviously going to attend and on one occasion stared me down while paraded herself around in fancy clothes so all could oogle her wondrousness.

        She so sucks.

        • Exercise grace

          So sorry you have to deal with that. I think I would laugh at her! We have not run into the AP yet. I really don’t know how I would handle it. Most likely ignore her. You are right, as strange as it may sound , I think dealing with a boiler has its advantages. NO one ever wants a boiler back in there lives, and it erases any lingering good thoughts or memories they may have had!

    • Paula

      OH yeah, bunny boiler, I could share for hours. She. Just. Wouldn’t. Stop. She took a restraining order out ON ME!!! (But it wasn’t a real one, she had downloaded it off the internet, hahaha!) Flurries of texts for two years. We’d go months, then it would start again. She threatened to turn up on his parents’ doorstep, with her mother (a friend of ours!) to tell them that they were supposed to be together, that he was with the wrong woman. As a professional, I guess she just couldn’t get her head around him “choosing” (eventually 🙁 ) the slightly overweight “housewife” (as she saw me.) Problem was, the easiest way to stop her was to change his phone number. He refused. His pathetic excuse – he could control her this way. AAAARGH!! How stupid can you get??? SO, amazingly, he fucked her again two years later, when I kicked him out! Crazy stuff. THEN he finally realised that most of the attraction was the sneaking about, and she really was as cold and useless and without any human warmth or feelings. AND HE CHANGED HIS NUMBER, apparently of his own accord. (Controlling much? Ever-so-slightly Passive Aggressive?) Amazing, you mean I might actually know something? No wonder I am still not recovered four years later…..

      Boy, the above is just the tip of the iceberg….

    • Curious

      Just curious, how come no one ever discusses the obsessed WS? For every crazy OW, there is a crazy W or H that is stalking and obsessing over the OW, even after “ending” the affair. I don’t understand why the OW is any worse than the spouse who cheated on us. In fact, the OW had no loyalty to me nor did she have any responsibility to ensure my DH didn’t cheat. Just as I have no responsibility to discipline someone else’s children, how can expect it to be done to mine? Your spouse betrayed every promise. We keep forgetting that. I keep hearing that the OW lived in some fantasy world, etc, etc, but don’t you think that pretending like your DH was seduced or wasn’t the one that broke every promise, is a bit delusional? I think we all believe what we need to in order to make it work. The OW is no less delusional than we are.

      • livingonafence

        There are far more delusional OW out there than WSs. The WS has a real life to go home to. The OW, usually, is just some sad desperate thing hoping that this time she’s found real love. Almost always what she’s found is a bored husband that isn’t about to leave his wife.
        The stupidity of these people is astounding.

        • exercisegrace

          LOAF, as usual you NAILED IT. The wayward spouse has a home, a family, a LIFE. The OW is like an envious child trying to snatch away an attractive looking toy that doesn’t belong to her. She may play with it a little, but it is never going home with her!

        • Kate

          Your situation sounds a lot like myn. I had known her since I was 6. We both knew she was jealous we had a good marriage we both knew she was jealous of me. We both knew she was jealous of my relationship with my children. She only has one child who was in college at the time and know I found out her daughter moved out of her home only after being done with college for 6 months and is living with her step father. Who my. Ex friend said her daughter didn’t ever want them to get back together because she loved him but could never live with him. She realized are marriage was not at its strongest point and went for it and my husband was dumb enough to forget who she really was. It was a total fantasy he knew she was sleeping with 5 other men but thought he was special. At one point she thought I knew and called my husband telling him how we are bf she’s do glad I’m still her bf and went on and on. The truth is I knew she wasn’t even a friend for years but felt sorry for her. Then this is what I get in return. My husband gave her exactly what she wanted to feel better then me and to feel good that are marriage wasn’t as great as she thought. What she forgot is I was the only person that didn’t drop her as a friend like everyone else. She also forgot like her daughter said she loved my oldest son we all think more then her own daughter. She really thought when I did find out I wouldn’t tell my kids and she texted him to say happy birthday sweetheart. Needless to say my son never replied. She forgot if I wanted to play her game I could tell her daughter that she has a step sister that was born right after she got married. She forgot I could tell her parents and daughter she is addicted to pain pills and 2 of my kids caught her on the same day going thru the drawers looking for my husbands pills. She forgot she told my husband that a women that was like a grandmother to her no longer has her do her hair cause she accused her of stealing her drugs (which I’m sure she did). She forgot I knew she was sleeping with a 86 year old man from AA that borrowed her 10,000 and she was supposed to tell her parents and daughter in case he died or she died. The loan was to be paid back ASAP. She’s been going to AA and loves to speak and tell her story of how she used to drink but really does not get it that know she is a drug addict. She goes to AA to meet men. We actually saw her car a couple weeks ago during the day at a place where AA meetings are held. I told my husband this is where you would of been had I not figured it out. You would of been sitting at her house on your vacation waiting for her to come home from her AA meetings cause that is all she has in life. She’s a miserable jealous person that I will never give her the satisfaction of knowing how much not her but my husband hurt me and tore my life apart. At the same time I know see my husband in a new light. I never thought he would sink that low. I know I’m sure not sure if I even plan on staying with him. Some days I feel he deserves her. Two backstabbers that didn’t care if they hurt 6 kids, yet my husband has never been mean to any other person. I thank God my children did learn you protect your family. You stick together and help each other unlike my husband. I will never love him like I once did so I almost think I’m better off alone. He made a fool of his family but a bigger fool of himself and after a year and a half I don’t have any empathy for him. Time will tell. But I won’t let out all her secrets I won’t lower myself to her level or my husbands level.

          • Strengthrequired

            That’s the thing, the kids didn’t factor into their relationship, my h iw, did say to my h “I will raise your kids if she doesn’t want them” my god, my youngest was 1 yr old when she targeted my h, wanting my family to be hers. I didn’t have my 6 children just to hand them over to a crazy piece of rubbish like her, she was not getting my children.
            It was just her way of making out she was so wonderful and her way of trying to keep him in her life, by using my children. She knew if I had my children, there would always be a chance he wouldn’t stay with her. Makes me sick ever thinking she would touch my children, putting her grubby hands all over them. My children don’t need her morals, they don’t need to be raised thinking that hurting someone is good.

      • Tryinghard

        You are absolutely right! Yes we do go quite crazy but we are not the ones dumped. The OW is and as Shakespeare said “hell hath no fury as a woman scorned”. Regardless that she made no vows etc, she played her part Curious. And often a big part. Many times the spouse tries to end it and she makes sure he doesn’t Either by threats, implied and sometimes overt. They are scared she will rat him out and that is never what he wants so the affair goes on. It really is a sick trap for both of them. It’s an addiction. Most times the OW is in it for the money. No way in hell they are letting that sugar daddy go.

        Just as we went crazy finding out we are scorned, once he comes home the OW who is then tossed aside can’t very often deal with the rejection. It is quite pathetic but I agree we should focus on the betrayal from our husbands/wives.

        • Strengthrequired

          Th, the problem is if we want to make our marriages work, we can’t focus on their betrayal of us. Yes they played their part in hurting us, however as we know our spouses try and end it and the ow doesn’t let it go, they manipulate our spouses to their advantage.
          My h ow, she is crazy, she wanted my h, wanted me to let him go so she could have him, when she realized it wasn’t working, she got desperate.
          A person that can get their hooks into a married person, who knows they are married but keeps targeting this person for what they can get, playing mind games, they are not right in the head.
          Our spouses, weren’t right in their mental state, the op knew that, knew they were vulnerable. They should have left our spouses alone, not use it as a meal ticket.
          The ow doesn’t deserve my sympathy, she is a mother, she is a woman who was apart of our family (unfortunately) she stepped.over the line and deliberately hurt our family, she knew exactly what she was doing. She planned her attack.

        • exercisegrace

          I agree also TH. We have focused our efforts on healing. Figuring out the traumas in his past that left him vulnerable to poor boundaries. We are building better, new ones going forward. My husband made a huge mistake, one he says he will regret the rest of his life. one he says he will WORK the rest of his life to make up to me. The OW? Always knew he wasn’t leaving, but that didn’t stop her from going crazy and threatening us.

          For the record, I never confronted her, never sent her an email, never retaliated in ANY way. She is a pathetic scum who likely will continue to live her selfish life going from one man to the next. She is getting older, with no husband no kids and she cannot have a very happy existence. ALL by her own choices and mistakes. Revenge enough for me! I have a husband who loves me, is remorseful and four beautiful kids. Our lives and hearts are full.

      • exercisegrace

        Curious, I can only speak for MY situation and I can tell you that when my husband ended the affair, it ended (this was later confirmed by HER attorney) He did not stalk her or obsess over her. She did that to us, to the point our attorney had to put a stop to it. Our children were terrified.
        My husband was clear with her from day one that he loved me, he was confused about the choices he made, and that he was never leaving our family. She “accepted” this and chose to lie and manipulate him to continue the affair. An intelligent woman, capable of getting her own man, would have run a mile in the other direction.

        Do I think she is “worse” than my husband? No. I think she is a pathetic, damaged slut without enough self-esteem to go after a single and available man. She could have made the choice to get counseling and deal with her issues. OURS was NOT the first marriage she targeted and tried to destroy. She goes after men 10-20 years older than her, and she also wants money. Daddy issues much?

        Let me assure you I hold my husband 110% responsible for his choices and his actions. He is doing all the things I required of him in order for me to stay, and then some. He goes to individual and marital counseling weekly. He reads articles and we discuss the childhood abuse and other things that led to his lack of boundary setting. WE are addressing how to eliminate any marital vulnerabilities. Because I have told him I will never live this again.

        Again, in our case the OW pretended to be my friend. She used any and all information against me. I trusted her in my home and she had sex with my husband there! You say she didn’t owe me? She owed me! Just basic human decency says you don’t destroy another person’s life. and what kind of person does that to four innocent children? Knows it and doesn’t care? What kind of person tries to turn a man (unsuccessfully) AGAINST his own children? Because SHE hates kids! She pretended to be someone she was not. Yes she DID seduce him. Yes, he was IDIOT enough to fall for it. WE are still dealing with the emotional fall out created in our kids. Infidelity is wrong. EVERYONE knows this, unless you were raised by wolves you know the basics of right and wrong. We live in a culture that tells us that if we want something, we deserve it! Go out and get it. Respect for others, is sadly, a thing of the past.

      • forcryin'outloud

        Curious, I can say unequivocally that I am not delusional about what an idiot my H was – and I can unequivocally say he knows how I feel about how preposterous his behavior was during and after his “carnival cruise” on the affair ocean.
        If he wanted to stalk her as you say, he was free to do it. I gave him and still do every option to walk out the door.
        NO delusions here!!!

    • Strengthrequired

      Well my h ow, she waited for my h to be alone then her family and her forced an engagement on him. It didn’t mean anything to him, I think to be honest he was still shocked.
      She arranged people to call me to tell me about their engagement. She knew my kids would see he so put pictures of herself and my h up on her wall so they would see it, and get back to me.
      To try and get arguments between my h and myself, she would tell him she was getting threats and she told him it was from me. ( I forgot about that one)
      She told my h I was seeing her h. She had people call my h when things weren’t appearing to go her way telling him.
      She had her mummy dearest come from overseas to help her get my h.
      She kept telling my h she would hurt herself as she can’t live without him.
      She started using our surname ad her own on fb.
      She had my h pay for a donation she had arranged, she had told them he and her were h and w, on the recipt had her down as his wife. Seeing my h name next to hers as if h and w killed me. It was another one of her tricks.
      She had her son run around telling people that my son was his step brother.
      When she started using our surname, I told my h that she was nuts. I used fatal attraction as a way of getting it across to him. No one normal would change their name to someone else’s name they have a crush on, unless they were married. ). I told him what are you waiting for something to happen to me or our kids? Btw, she still uses our surname…..on fb, who knows where else.
      Spread rumors to my sister and brother inlaws that I was hurting my h and had him put in jail, after he didn’t show up to her place to see her, he was with mt.
      Every month there was something new that I had to deal with, due to this woman, all because she wanted to keep hurting me and our children and have me leave my h.

      • exercisegrace

        SR, so sorry for all you have had to deal with. Could an attorney force her to relinquish your name? That is straight up sick. It amazes and yet it doesn’t, when I hear how many of these women are completely off the wall.

        Wouldn’t you HAVE to be deranged to go after a MARRIED MAN? Especially one with a FAMILY? To me that is PROOF of mental illness. When I was younger, I would not have looked twice at a married man. These women get more thrill out of the destruction and pain they cause. It’s usually NOT about building a forever relationship with our husbands. If they wanted a real relationship they would seek that out with someone available to GIVE THAT to them. My counselor has worked with infidelity issues for MANY years, and she says in almost all cases the OW/OM has SERIOUS issues. The cheating spouse often does too, but more often they just get caught up in an escapist fantasy where someone makes them feel good about themselves at a vulnerable time. Hard to believe but she says they NEVER look down the road to how it will “end”, they just like the attention “now”.

        • Strengthrequired

          Thank you eg. Who would want a relationship with someone when they know deep down that they won’t leave their h/w? Who is sick enough to want somebody who isn’t available?
          As for her using our surname, I don’t think there is anything I can do. Even if I tried, if she hasty already, she probably change it permanently the legal way.
          It makes me sick every time I think of it. I hope she finds a new man to take his name soon. I want her to forget about us.
          These ow that can break up a family without a second thought, they are sick. What do they think our husbands are such a prize catch because they are married, so maybe they are stable.
          What makes them think they are so special that our husbands would stay with them after leaving their families, surely they would see that, if they did leave us, for them that they no longer show stability.

    • Gizfield

      You know what, Curious, I dont think I’m the least damn bit delusional. I know exactly what happened, my husband’s part in it, as well as the so called other woman. He’s paid his price for his indescretion. There isn’t a piece of ass on this planet worth what the Cheating spouses go through afterwards, trust me. Everyone deals with situations as well as they can, so I don’t see any point in telling Betrayed Spouses they are delusional or Stalkers.

      • Strengthrequired

        No delusions here either. I took it the same, everyone is delusional.
        I’m not psychotic, I never acted psychotic. Heart broken yes, never psychotic. The ow, now she acted psychotic, my h even said, she had two heads.
        My h never acted psychotic, he liked the ego boost, no doubt.
        He tried to be a hero for her and she ran with it. You know knight in shining armor.
        Funny how these two people get together, something wrong with both of them, mlc (h) and psycho (ow) and all their problems worsen.

    • Gizfield

      FCOL, I could be wrong but I got the impression that when Curious said that there were as many Wives and Husbands stalking the other woman, she meant the Betrayed Spouses. Maybe she can clarify that for us. As well as her last sentence “The ow is no less delusional than we are.” Wouldn’t that be saying ow are more delusional, which is exactly opposite of what her post was saying ?

      • forcryin'outloud

        What struck me as odd was the statement: “Your spouse betrayed every promise.” For some reason the choice of using “your” struck me as odd given the context of the rest of the post. And I’m not sure I agree with the statement that there is a crazy CS stalking the OW for EVERY crazy OW stalking a CS. Maybe she meant BS.
        I think she is saying we are ALL delusional – CS, BS, and OW. Like you said maybe she could clarify.

        In my case the OW is pathetic with incredible low self esteem who was looking for someone to rescue her from a miserable marriage. My H was looking for an ego shot for his MLC. No bunny boiling just two pathetic people looking for a quick fix to their immediate problems. The nut in our drama was my MIL who continued to bring up the OW for 2 yrs after the EA until I found out about the EA and my H told her he never wanted to hear about her or her family ever again. She still tried a few more times.

        • Strengthrequired

          Fcol, it’s like our inlaws finally found a chance to get rid of us. My goodness are we that bad?

          • forcryin'outloud

            My MIL thinks I’m the worst thing that happened for her. I honestly believe in her mind she sees me as the person who stole her prized possession. Like our therapist said, “She won’t be happy unless you (my H) are living in her basement and she has control again.”

            • Strengthrequired

              It gets tiring doesn’t it? You get so over feeling like your not good enough, then our spouses go have an affair, just to make us feel even more worse

    • Disappointed

      My in laws are in on the affair. I am sure it is fully sanctioned because she makes him so happy and human beings arent meant to be monogamous. I am the BS and am the one discarded. hopefully I won’t become the bunny boiler when the poo hits the fan 😉

      • Strengthrequired

        Disappointed, sorry your putting up with the inlaws too.
        From the moment I met my h, I had a couple of his friends, his father, my h brothers inlaws and last but not least his cousin it, all try over the years to break us up. Cousin it was the one that came closest. Funny enough though, my father inlaw ended up on my side this last time. You just wonder when will it stop, because it gets very tiresome. I’m so sick and tired of feeling like I’m not good enough.
        So over 22yrs there has always been someone trying to put a wedge between my h and I, and it didn’t matter if I had a child or 6 children to any of them.
        Makes me wonder will I be facing more years of people trying to tear my h and I apart, and will. Be able o put up with it much longer if they do.

    • sierrac

      After the OW outed my husband to me via email, he called her and ended It immediately with her. Then she sent me xrated pictures the next morning so I had undeniable proof of their physical affair. The photos were XXX and she did not hesitate to send a variety. Then 10 days later when he had continued no contact with her she sent the pictures to high level executives of the company my husband and just started working for. What a scary person she is. Luckily HR determined he was not doing anything illegal, tho reprehensible, and was not fired. She did her best to destroy us and then him. At least she showed her real colors just in case he might have had any doubts about his decision.

    • Helen

      OMG how relevant to me is this atm! 4 months post affair exposure and the OW Bunny Boiler is still texting….she’s been blocked from email, had letters returned (unfortunately my husband cannot change his work mobile no. too many know it but if this gets worse?) but just doesn’t get it! My husband and I are in counselling and the counsellor says she is a Bunny Boiler and like the Fatal Attraction movie has a Borderline Personality Disorder like Glenn Close. She says we have to watch out for her as her next step will be probably to try and approach me face to face at home or my husband a work! Like someone else commented above, the true colours are shinning through of the OW and I think my husband is glad where he is now…..with someone stable not unstable! Some people are such a worry!

    • Helen

      Oh wow….just reading other comments how many of you have a husband with a controlling mother? and the MIL being in on the affair? pick me, pick me!

    • Ann

      Yes, the OW called me, children and his work contact twice. Called me 5 times telling detailed lies mixed with general truths. I sent two copies of Fatal Attraction two weeks apart and something else I’d rather not say.

    • Kiki

      This is pathetic , for crying out loud a cheating husband has betrayed you and your marriage not the other woman. These man are like predators hiding behind their wives when the shit hits the fan.He may go for counselling yadda but it will happen again and again .
      Once a cheater always a cheater

    • Assurance

      This is my first comment here. —

      Hi Everyone 🙂

      I am just wondering why there is a need to keep projecting to inflict pain for the betrayed spouses. We are all well aware of what our WS is capable of. Please go read all about it and the immense lingering pain they have caused for their Faithful and trusting wives. Yet, there is another aspect of this affair that is unforgivable (unless repented of and forsaken) is the attitude of going after a Married man, knowing full well he is married. Okay, he pursued you but did your mother not raise you with character enough to turn him down so you wouldn’t destroy his home? Sure, he might go after someone else but that’s none of your business even. I am blunt, yes very much so. We are addressing about your morals and you being a “bunny boiler”. Got it. Thanks!

      • Margaret

        In my case – quit pursuing a married man – get a life – making him feel responsible for you is not love – if he loved you he would have left already – get the message? Have more dignity and self love – move on – learn to be alone and self sufficient then the right person will enter your life. As long as you hold onto an unrealistic, inappropriate non-relationship you are stuck on a never-ending roller coaster of drama and insecurity – life is short – is this how you want to send it?

        • MysteryLady

          I am talking as the OW I have known my AP for 5 years now. We met when he was single & at the time his kids mother was living abroad. We clicked right away & dated for 2years. I was previously married then separated so didn’t want to rush into anything so enjoyed things as they were. On the other hand he said she got jealous of us and pursued to move closer to be a family. He was honest and mentioned she wanted to get married and he wasn’t ready but wanted to be with his children. I encouraged him and said give it a go so they tied the knot. I then stepped back & told him to not contact and we didn’t for a while. We then saw each other on few occasions when he was out with her, we still both had strong feelings and then he contacted me again. At this point after 2 years he was crying out for help, I HAVE NEVER BEEN AND NEVER WILL BE A BUNNY BOILER I was “his shoulder to cry on” as I was also in a similar situation. He was now unhappy in the marriage & became a WS. I tried so hard not to get involved, everyone blames the OW but it takes 2 & our feelings were the same as when we met 4 years ago. Fast forward one year he is the CS and says he wants to leave her but loves the children and also in financial ties. I HAVE BEEN THERE, IN TIME EVERYONE CHANGES IN A MARRIAGE ITS NOT EASY & TAKES LOTS OF COMMUNICATION. So when everyone comments about the OW and how they’re bunny boilers I have never been vindictive (I know there are some psychotic ones) but at the end of the day the decision is his, he’s the one who’s in the situation and the BS now knows of us but has never confronted me and even if did I would say to ask him. He made the decision to spend Christmas, valentine’s and odd weekends with me, its up to him at the end of the day. I do not want to marry again (he knows this) so I dont tell him whether to stay or leave but do know he’s unhappy in his marriage.

          • Betterdays

            It sounds like you’ve completely convinced yourself you have zero responsibility in this. It takes a special person to be able to clear their conscience this easy. Good for you! Forget about being a decent human being. Not your problem, right? It’s not likely possible his marriage is shit because all of his emotional efforts are spent on you “Christmas, valentine’s and odd weekends.”

            • Mysterylady

              Not at all, I do take some responsibility but at the end of the day it’s his decision and we met before true all happened, as I said it takes 2 and strong feelings dont just disappear . I have stepped back before and walked away and can walk away tomorrow, but if neither of them communicate or working on their marriage I am not solely to blame.

    • Betterdays

      It’s his decision for you to have an affair with a married man with children? If he was here, we could talk to him about his decisions. Nope, this is %100 your decision we are talking about here.

    • Mysterylady

      Yes, it is his decision. If their marriage was great he would never be the WS and we wouldn’t have met again. I was the one who encouraged him to tie the knot, but i’m not the one in the marital home, I haven’t put a “knife to his throat” or begged him to stay/leave. They werent together when we met, we’ve always been friends. #BETTERDAYS I haven’t come on here to score points but to show the BS’s there are so many sides to a story, we’re not all bunny boilers etc. I’m sure you’ve read other scenarios to know you can’t always blame the OW. If a man (or a woman) want to cheat, THEY WILL regardless, if it wasn’t me it would probably be someone else, and if a couple genuinely love each other unconditionally, then it will work but it’s a lot of give & take. They either try counselling or separate/divorce. Life is too short to stay in a relationship or an unhappy marriage, whether children are involved or not, it’s only they who grow to see parents bickering everyday which makes them unhappy. When they married I was in a long-term relationship, it didn’t work out, but in time I’ll be open to date again (he knows this)

      • Betterdays

        No one put a knife to your throat either. The fact is, you are a side piece. No shared responsibilities, no kids to worry about, no bills to share. Just an easy no strings attached lay. There is nothing special about you and your relationship with this cheater. Any chance they had to fix their problems, you’ve made sure that’s not going to happen.

        To say someone will cheat whether it’s with you or not is pathetic. #1, you don’t know that. #2, it doesn’t give you a free pass to be a shitty human. He’s not here to call out for his shitty choice in being with you while married. For you to shift blame to him only makes my view of you worse. I’m gathering this is something you fall back on in your life to be able to look yourself in the mirror. Pointing out others flaws to make yourself look better. Now that’s a great quality.

    • Mysterylady

      I rest my case, call me what you want I know he has respect for me, As mentioned before we are good friends, it’s not all about sex but you find it hard to believe otherwise. He treats me well and I chose not to have any commitment, if I said I want to marry again tomorrow, I would, hence why he married her instead, also b/c they had children. In the past having children out of wedlock was frowned upon some people still have those values and feel pressured into marrying (also there are arranged marriages) In today’s society a lot of BS’s/women use their children as a weapon squabbling in custody court battles etc there’s nothing special about their marriage, everyone has flaws and no-one is perfect but you find that hard to understand. Whatever situation you’re in, or been in you just sound very bitter & fail to put any blame on the CS but yet you do quote the main reasons they stay i.e children, finances (which are his main reasons). Anyway, I hope you’re not a BS waiting years for their CS to change but making no attempts to work on their lifeless marriage. Anyway, I wish you all the best, I’ve said what I have to say, I”m out.

    • Begone Bunny Boiler

      I just learned what a bunny boiler is from the Chump Lady Blog. It describes my ex’s psycho to a T.

      To date this woman whom I have never met and my ex was with for about 3 months has done the following in ascending order over the past year and a half:

      1) Obtained my minor child’s SSN directly from the social security office to apply for state benefits for my ex ( We love in a separate state and the application was flagged)

      2) Stalked and harassed my family members online (I don’t have social media) about me and the minor child whom I share with my ex.

      3) Attempted to bribe my ex and incentive to get him to sign away his parental rights. He refused.

      4) Gave my ex money to retain a lawyer to draw out litigation and avoid payment over medical reimbursement for the minor child I share w/ ex because she wanted to start a family with her.

      5) Somehow obtained my private contact information after she filed a TRO against my ex for domestic abuse and begged me for my help because we went threw similar situations w/ ex and our minor child claiming to be pregnant with ex’s child. This is how I first found out about this woman. I cc’d everything w/ my lawyers and yes I was stupid enough to help her.

      6) After I helped her she provided details into her actions against myself and my minor child and states she got an abortion. I change my email and I told her not to contact me again and attempted to focus on cleaning up the legal mess she made.

      7) She obtains my new email address again and attempts to initiates contact with me over a dozen times regarding my ex, our shared child and myself, she did this around known holidays, birthdays and anniversaries and the information she shared was always highly distressing.

      8) She also contacted me after every family court hearing between my ex and myself to provide unsolicited legal strategy. The ones in the state her and my ex live in I ignored. When she contacted me after one in my state and repeated private health information I said during hearing. Ex had no idea about so there is no way she would have known. (Husband and I were expecting and the due date that would affect scheduling for review hearing)

      9)I became so alarmed that she brought up my pregnancy That I had to create a safety plan w/ local DVC advocates and police because of how alarmingly obsessive the woman was becoming.

      10)After the safety plan was created I sent the woman a formal cease and desist letter via email. ( Our only form of communication). 2 days later she filed a TRO against me and lists my confidential home address which Terr dies me. The TRO is on behalf of herself and her minor child claiming things like I was stalking and harassing her, I violated HIPPA to obtain her son’s records, I got her fired from her job because I was harassing them about her, and that I was targeted picketing her and sending things to her home (she said the same thing about my ex plus more graphic stuff in his like rape, domestic violence involving knives and meth use ) she requests a hearing if the TRO is denied The judge denied the initial TRO. I almost go into preterm labor for the stress. I had to go on maternity leave early from school and had to contact my teachers and other admin about the situation.

      11) I get a local attorney to represent me on the bogus TRO. The lawyer explained why I was contesting the TRO ( retaliation after I sent her a cease and desist) The woman says she would like to pursue it anyways. The judge said that the woman would need to come to my state and provide witnesses and evidence if she wishes to continue. The woman then lies in court saying I have pending criminal charges in her home state and that I voluntarily signed a stipulation for no contact months prior drafted by an attorney she claimed to be represented by, which turns into she already had a RO granted against me in her state. Everyone is like WTF and then the woman decided to dismiss the motion for the TRO on her own. So to summarize the thing was denied by a judge in my state initially then she dismissed it but it will be on my record forever so now I might need o change my career path entirely

      12) The woman calls the hospital room I was staying in several hours after giving birth. Husband and I had to notify hospital security.

      I am still cleaning up the ID Fraud she committed against the minor child I share w/ my ex and attempting to finalize the legal chaos she created involving my ex in the family law case. We also increased our home security by a lot. Part of me wants to go after her for financial damages (approximately $15k) but the other part wants to be as far away from crazy as possible. At least I have the distance going for me so that helps.

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