face to faceFirst of all, we wanted to thank everybody who contributed to the brief survey that we ran last week. The response was awesome and you guys really came through with some great questions.

While it’s virtually impossible to address each and every one of them in the modules for our upcoming project, we thought that we could tackle some of them in blog posts and/or our discussion topics.

One such topic that surfaced was with respect to contacting your spouse’s affair partner. Now we’re not for certain, but we think this particular person meant from the standpoint of curiosity and for gaining additional insight, answers, truths, etc. about the affair and not so much as a means of confrontation.

We’ve talked to many folks in the past who have gone the route of contacting the AP because their spouse was not divulging any details of his/her affair. They felt that if he/she won’t tell them anything then perhaps the AP will. Others have met the AP just to see what the other person was like. In doing so, it helped them to answer the question, “Why him/her?”

Certainly most experts would agree that it is not a wise idea to meet the affair partner, yet for some it could possibly wind up being a healing experience. It depends on your motive. You have a better chance for it to be a healing experience if you approach it with a motive such as curiosity, rather than to be angry and confrontational.

Of course, not every affair situation will dictate that the affair partner should be dealt with in such a positive and productive manner. It’s these types of situations where you must really consider whether or not it’s a good idea to get face-to-face with the AP.

Whether or not you contact and/or meet the other woman or man should be an individual decision. What’s good for us may not be good for you. What’s important is that you do what you feel is right for you and don’t let anyone else dictate what will help you heal.

For our discussion this week…

Did you ever actually contact and/or meet your spouse’s affair partner in person? If so, what were your motives and how was the experience?

If you had to do it over again, would you?

If you have not contacted or met the AP, why not?

In your opinion, what are the pros and cons of making contact/meeting with the AP?

Thanks for sharing your experiences in the comment section below.

Linda & Doug

 

    46 replies to "Discussion – Should You Contact the Affair Partner?"

    • Strengthrequired

      My experience with meeting the ap, was not a deliberate one, it was on each occasion by chance. As she just happened to be where my h was at the time.
      Now each time I saw her, I know I walked away thinking that I should have said something, other than what I did say. So those thug this was only because I wanted to say so much to her face, but everything really just slipped my mind, due to I think yet another shock of my h betrayal.
      However, in all honesty, I do not think by having her answer my questions, it would have been more her exagerating the truth, as a way to get me to leave him. So I just don’t think she would have been as honest with me, as I would have liked. I think it would have been just a waste of time, just like when I told her to leave my h and family alone, it went through one ear and out the other, and it was all self serving by her. Nothing she would have said, would have made a difference, well I highly doubt it anyway.
      She was in it for herself.

      • Doug

        Sounds like in your situation, the OW was the type of person we were referring to when we said, “Of course, not every affair situation will dictate that the affair partner should be dealt with in such a positive and productive manner” She sounds like a snake!

        • Strengthrequired

          Doug, it’s funny you said that. One day after dday, I saw a psychic, I did not mention anything at all, she told me how there was another woman in my h life who is manipulating him, she said that she is after someone to look after her, so she chose my h. She said, she does not love your h, she is only in it for what she can get. She said that she believed my h was not the only one, she believed she was intimately involved with someone else. She said my h doesn’t love her is just feeling sorry for her, which all was true. Yet she said they argue a lot, and that my h would come to see her true colours with time. She also told me that she is a snake, this is the type of person she is, a snake. She said she saw her on her knees while my h had his back turned to her.
          She said so many things that came true, it was amazing, she even predicted our move into a huge building, turns out it was an apartment block.
          The arguments, well my h since then has told me how much they argued, how he never argued with me the way he did with her. On her knees begging, with his back turned, well she was always pleading for him to not leave her. As for taking what she could, well she did that too. I believe their was another man in her life, that my h didn’t know about.
          So a snake indeed.

    • Shifting Impressions

      In my situation I knew the woman my husband had an EA with. I waited about six months to face her. I decided not to tell my husband as this was between her and I. There is a good chance of us running into each other so, I thought it would be easier if I was in control rather than caught off guard.

      My motive was not to confront but to face her rather than keep fearing a chance meeting. I was completely calm and asked if she had a moment to speak with me. I basically asked her if she had anything to say to me……as she knew me and had been two faced with me for a little over a year.

      There was regret on her part but not the apology I would have liked. I do believe I conveyed to her how hurtful this has been to me.

      I walked away feeling calm and that I had crossed another hurdle towards healing. For me, I feel I did the right thing. It felt like I took a little of my personal power back.

    • chiffchaff

      I never contacted the ow, I googled her to death for sure but always stopped at making contact. I think with hindsight I really thought she was better than me and if I made contact then this would be reinforced in some way or I’d find out even more lies existed. I still, 3 years later, get an urge to contact her and tell her the effect of what she was part of and how it affected me. But I dont think she’d give a monkeys about it.

      • Rachel

        Chiff, I know what you mean. I’d love to confront her.
        Also her husband. He knows nothing. I often wonder if I should tell him?

    • Patsy50

      I had seen the OW at office Christmas parties and I had befriended her on facebook for a short time before I knew my husband was having an EA with her.

      After the EA came out, it was only about a month and I decided to attend his office Christmas party, knowing she would be there. It was the hardest thing to do. But I would do it all over again as it was something I felt I had to confront in order to heal.

      I do go to meet him every now and then for lunch, and the OW has never showed her face while I was there.

    • devastated1

      I did, in fact, contact my husbands affair partner. I met her alone, at a public place, without his presence, but he did know that I had set this meeting up. We spoke about an hour. She apologized whole heartedly, and swore this would never happen again. She swears there was nothing close to love involved in the 14+month relationship. It was just a close friendship that went to far on “a few occasions” (at least one of the occasions it “went too far” included sex, four times were making out, and GAZILLIONS of tests and a lot of sexting, pictures exchanged via messaging, and the lengthy phone calls). She owned her part in it all. I have no idea if she is telling the truth, but her story does mirror the one he tells me (naturally, they would be stupid to tell me differing stories). She cried. I cried. Nothing healing came out of the whole meeting with the exception that I felt better knowing that I HAD confronted her. That I could have a tiny shred of the dignity that I felt THEY BOTH took from me, back.
      They are still co workers and that makes me incredibly uncomfortable, but he is looking for a new job.
      I am still struggling with the mental images of her and him together. Now that I met her, I have her branded in my mind. The fact that she is gorgeous, is not lost on me. Neither is the fact that she is 18 years younger than me and full of life and energy. I can never compete with any of those “Qualities” she has. I am a wife, mother of two, work full time. and I get tired after a long day… Human qualities, but not nearly as appealing as her in comparison.
      Do I regret confronting her? No. It would have happened one way or another and this way, I was in control of my response by being prepared. Would I do it again if I had it to do over? Yes. I doubt that there is a force on this earth that would have stopped me from confronting her. I was DETERMINED that we WOULD meet. She could choose to deny my request, but it was going to happen, regardless. She chose to meet. Smart girl (kinda). 🙂 Has this meeting changed how I feel about her? Not really. I see her as a human being who screwed up royally, but I am still angry, bitter, want to tell her SO, have a strong desire for revenge in some way, and she still haunts my daydreams and nightmares. I have no idea if she still would had we not met (because I had Googled the crud out of her so I already knew what she loked like, etc.).
      To be totally honest… I just wish it never happened. ANY of it. All of it. I want mthe “Happily Ever After” ending that I was promised. I want my life back. I want to be happy, healthy, and move forward and let go of the past. Not quite made it to any of those spaced in my journey yet. But I am TRYING, at least.

      • Sarah

        Dear Devastated

        I am so sorry that this happened to you. I feel your pain. I am you right now. I could have written your letter as mine. I feel exactly as you have described your feelings. I am 10 months on from discovering my h’s 5 year affair with someone he worked with, 16 years younger than me. I had absolutely NO idea. I was at home raising our 4 children (but still keeping fit and working part time) and while I knew our relationship wasn’t perfect, I put it down to the pressures of our busy family life and his demanding job…. things that would eventually get easier with time. The reason I have found this blog is that I am trying to decide if I should meet ‘her’. I am obsessed with her in my head and how she basically has taken my life from me. We are trying to make our marriage work and my h is 110% committed to us and totally regrets what he has done but like you, I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me and I don’t know myself or my life anymore. My main question for you is that you are 2.5 years down the track from me now…. does it get easier and is it possible to get her out of your head? Have you been able to move on? I really hope for yours (and mine) sake that you have been able to but I would really appreciate hearing from you too. Thank you xx

    • forcryin'outloud

      If I had met the OW early after d-day it would have been a “best of” Jerry Springer episode. I was TOO angry at the entire universe to come at it with a level head. 4 years later I only have a perverse desire to lay eyes on her. I’ve never met her (she lives many many miles from me) but it would be intriguing just to see her in the flesh.

      She was as screwed up as my H at the time of the affair. Two screwed up people creating added drama for themselves and using one another to fill their insecurities. I see her as no better or worse than my H. They both willingly committed the crime and they both give me a heavy heart in that regard. The only difference is I love my H and we have a long history I cherish. So, I strive daily to keep her in the “not important file.”

    • Elise

      I’ve seen her. And she spied on us ( yes she was planning the affair). I would meet her if I thought she would apologise tearfully and then get out of my life but she’s a bunny boiler. She keeps coming back trying to make contact. Every few months! Even after I went and met her husband to tell him. I guess they’ve split, but I don’t know.

      I don’t think there’s any healing unless there’s a big fat apology and most OW aren’t capable. They still think the affair was just unfortunate circumstances around the best thing in their lives! And that’s where any respect dies, with their lack of conscience.

    • Bonnie

      Yes, I contacted her and she gave me every excuse in the book for their EA until finally, she said that he didn’t tell me about her because he was afraid I’d be jealous of her. In 27 years I had never been jealous! He even told her that in their correspondence! She was short, stumpy, had fat cheeks and could chew corn through a picket fence with those buck teeth. I guess she took what admiration she could get from him, as he gave her plenty because she told him how handsome, smart and talented he was. They met in secret (at least it was a secret to me) with her husband present, but he was in the dark. When I accidentally opened my husband’s Facebook account, thinking it was mine, I wondered why I had 12 messages from someone I didn’t know during a 5 minute period. I couldn’t stop reading. I found 6,152 messages between them declaring their feelings for each other. My heart sank and I became physically ill from it. I don’t know what kept me from having a heart attack because my heart pounded for days. They were planning to meet privately and my husband told her that nothing would ever come between them again (they knew each other long before I met him but she was engaged at the time). I never contacted her husband because, from their communication, I found out that he was a big man with a bad temper. I didn’t want him to hurt my husband (although I fantasized about it). Then 4 months later, my husband lied about taking a co-worker to lunch. This was another one that I would never have dreamed of. I was feeling good about “us”. I had made a conscious effort to meet his emotional needs. The co-worker has a nice figure but looks like a transvestite & her teeth look like cheap false plate with a greenish cast. I NEVER would have dreamed – as particular as he is about how a woman looks – that he would find reason to lie to me about her. He warned me a couple of years earlier not to be worried if I heard rumors about them from disgruntled employees. I thought that was crazy since she looks like a man. When he lied to me about taking her to lunch (I ran into them at the very place I had actually asked him to meet me for lunch but he said “he couldn’t” – gave no reason why), I had those same heart palpitations all over again. I thought I would die inside. He immediately made an excuse that “a 3rd party didn’t show up” so I would not think that he betrayed me again. Too late. He said they were getting ready to go back to the office and offered to carry my tray. He asked me where I was going to sit and I told him I was going to with with THEM! She immediately backed away from the table to put space between us. Her body language spoke volumes. She wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I wondered for a long time why she seemed so intimidated around me, even before the lie about the lunch date. When I walk into his office, she high tails it out of there. She always has. She never speaks to me, but goes out of her way to giggle like a school girl and swing her hair around him. She dresses like a teenager. My husband fired a woman for inappropriate dress at work, but he won’t say a thing to her, even though he admits that her style of dressing is more playful than professional. The crazy part is – we are in our early 60s! He can’t quit his job because he retires this year. I don’t trust him 100% – never will and I NEVER thought I would ever say that. Now I look back at the 10 years they have worked together and the trips they have taken all around the US together through their employment and it sickens me because I know that something may not be going on now, but I’m pretty certain that something has happened and that’s why she is uneasy around me.

    • SHAPE

      I had met the other woman on 3 occasions before I knew of the affair (including Mother’s Day and taking her to church with us)! After I found an email exposing their affair, my husband emailed her to tell her I knew and that she was not to contact him ever again. So she called me to say it was my fault this had happened! I calmly, but forcefully, told her if she did contact my H again, I would inform her husband. They were now moving to the other side of the U.S., and I was hopeful this would be the end of things.

      However, 2 yrs later she sent a Happy Birthday email to my H, so I emailed her husband to tell him. His response was one of “saving face,” although he did say he suspected something 2 years prior, but now that they had moved, he thought it was over.

      A year later, she again contacted my H to say she was moving back w/o her H (they were separating), so I made it a point to go to her house (same one they had lived in before) and have a very blunt conversation with her. I didn’t need any of the details of their relationship, as I pretty much knew all I needed to know about that.

      Bottom line, it was VERY helpful to me to confront her and let her know what she had done. She is 33 years younger than me, (yes, she could have been my H’s daughter!). It was sometimes difficult to know if she understood me, as she is Asian, and English is not her first language—–but I think she got the message. And, actually about a week after I talked to her, she said she and her H were getting back together.

      But even better, my H and I were moving many, many miles away for a new job he’d accepted, and this has helped tremendously. There are so many less triggers if I am not living in the same place. I feel like our lives are getting back to normal, although I am still working on trust issues.

      For me, contacting her face to face was the best thing I could have done to help me heal.

      • tabs

        shape-

        My husband had an affair with an asian girl from Shanghai. These girls apparently have no problems with married men, so long as they get all the attention. They are also very tenacious.

        While she lived in Shanghai, there was very little chance of her getting out of China. The visas are difficult to come by. However, she now works for an international company in London. Moving around the world is now easy. Its been 3 years since the affair ended, but she keeps sending him texts from time to time. I wonder if I should preempt the next contact.

        • Mitch

          I would preeempt the contact and squash her like a bug. Then your cheating husband should change his cell phone number. The affair partner needs to know you and your husband won’t tolerate the AP’s behavior.

        • SHAPE

          tabs–
          I so totally agree with what you said about them having no problem pursuing married men, even when they themselves are married. They are tenacious, like you say, and willing to wait, if necessary, for your/my H to come back around when they keep trying. It is so, so disgusting. I would definitely pre-empt if you can!

      • DiDi

        If you have Verizon you can block her number. I have my H’s AP and her 2 girls blocked. My H was her daughter’s softball coach.

        • tabs

          Does anybody know if AT&T can block a number? I’m sh*t out of luck with the work number. Can’t change that one. What pains me is that I believe she has family and friend’s numbers, including mine. I received a butt dialed call from her. Nothing was said, but I could tell she was in transit.

          • CBb

            If the account is in your name it is easy to do. Go on the website or call them. If the account is not in your name it will be more difficult.

            Google AT&T block phone numbers. If you cannot do it legally there must be some way to do it on your phone w/out the account.

            I blocked the AP on all our phones on version wireless BUT the account is in my name. Lucky for me I could control that.

            Her blog however could be a problem and I cannot control that. That would be my CH’s embarrassment, not mine. She puts everything on her blog, and I mean everything.

    • Tryn2heal

      I know the OW. I thought we were friends, run in the same social circles, and our sons are best friends. I confronted both after I found inappropriate texts and emails. They swore the emotional affair was over but a few months later, I found more emails. My H & I are in marriage counseling now and we have learned some things about ourselves and about each other that we didn’t know or realize before. OW separated from husband & bought a house by herself. I think their insecurities about themselves brought them together fueled by alcohol. It will be a long time before I can trust H again, if ever, but we are trying to make our marriage work.

    • Mitch

      I contacted my wife’s affair partner (AF) – twice. Soon after D-Day, in the “pathetic” state, I contacted him trying to figure out what happened and to see how I could be a better husband. What were my wife’s complaints and how could I correct them? Pathetic, right? We left on cordial terms. I did not burn any bridges. Remember to keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer.

      Anyway, after trying to rebuild the relationship and trust, time after time, I would get small confirmations that my cheating spouse was still contacting him. As all of you know, each time you try to get the relationship restarted and another D-Day happens (finding out that the cheating spouse has again made contact with the AP), it brings things back down to base level. This emotional roller coaster is devastating and there are only so many times you can go through this.

      There were 3-4 of these cycles over 4 months. Finally, I put the law down, in writing. No email, personal visits, no looking at him on Facebook, no cards, no smoke signals – no nothing. And if you (the cheating wife) do so, I am walking. This was said in the presence of the therapist who agreed, as did the cheating wife. This was the ‘rule’.
      i also said that if she has pangs or desires to contact him, she could trust me to help her get through it. Just don’t go behind my back and let me find out later.

      3-4 weeks later, something she said got me thinking that she had gone against our agreement. But how could I get confirmation? You guessed it, I contacted the boyfriend. After some cajoling, he confirmed that she had been writing him letters and visited his apartment.

      It took about a nano-second to make the decision to terminate our marriage.

      When you have the cheating spouse saying one thing but the behavior suggests another, always believe the behavior.

      For any man who has been cheated on by the wife, I strongly recommend the book “Woman’s Infidelity” by Michelle Langley.

    • crepowersnemesis

      Although I did contact my husband’s AP via email assuming his identity, I have not met her but I would like to do just that. If a picture is worth a thousand words, I can only imagine what a face to face is worth. Priceless! I am very glad that I did what I did because after my contact, I had a response from her. When she found out it was actually me, she gave me her phone number and let me know I could call to talk with her. Really? I know, it sounds like a lie but it is true. (If I could, I would like to share her number with all of you so you could tell her how you feel about married women having affairs with married men, but It would probably be deleted anyway.) I never gave her the satisfaction of calling. My husband told me many times how manipulative she was during the affair and I did not want to fuel her distorted belief of grandiosity and ability to control others and delivering the last word. That was recurrent in their relationship. The person I most want to contact, as myself, is her husband. She told my husband that she told her husband that they (my husband and AP) were “communicating” from the beginning and that she still loves my husband and (direct quote from AP’s email to my husband when he told her I knew about their affair) “I may be the only one who knows that my love for you doesn’t diminish my love for XXXX(her husband); nor does it block out, overshadow, or in any way conflict with YYYY’s (me, his wife’s) love for you. It simply is what it is.” Honestly, that’s all it is? Verification by her husband could be interesting, maybe even priceless squared!

    • CBb

      I contacted my CH’s AP via phone. She confirmed they had been seeing each other for the past 4 months last year. Now everything made sense. She is single and was devastated when he ended it.

      Ran home to her mom in Florida with a broken heart (all posted on her blog). Boo-hoo. She acts like she is 18 and completely taken advantage of. In truth she was in her 30s and knew better,

      Then she tried to resume the relationship again! Classless idiot. She had no respect for me or my family but it is all about her.

      But I am glad I spoke with her on a few occasions as I realized the EA had NOTHING to do with me. It was all about my CH’s mid life crisis and self-centered choices.

      I treated the AP with respect and kindness. In case they ever end up together as you know, keep your enemies closer. She however back stabbed me by trying to resume the relationship again a few months ago. Karma my friends, karma will get her in some way. I hope she can stand it. I know she would never be able to withstand the torment and heartache the EA caused me and my family.

    • exercisegrace

      I knew his affair partner, a co-worker of his. By the time I found out about their affair, it had been over (by his choice) for a year plus, and she left the company. The only contact I had with her was via our attorney, when she began harassing me and my older two kids via every social media outlet she could find. Despite knowing he was married and pursuing him “aggressively” (her words), she chose to play the victim and paint me as a horrible person for not stepping out of her way and taking our four kids with me.

      Deciding to contact or not contact is a very personal choice, but my opinion is NOT TO contact them. Usually these women (or men) are manipulative and remorseless. They entered into an affair to bolster their nonexistent self-esteem and most would not hesitate to lie about the affair to hurt the betrayed spouse. The whole thing is an ego trip. And in the end, who are you going to believe? Your spouse or the affair partner? It can create even more destruction in the marriage. If your goal is reconciliation, you need to start somewhere.

    • CBb

      How is it all the AP end up acting like THEY have been victimized?

      Seriously we BS need to start some sort of awareness group for these “women”.

      I hope it happens to each of them so they know how it feels.

    • CBb

      I have Verizon wireless. In my account I have the AP’s number blocked on every phone so there is no texts or calls. I update it every 3 months. I know it works b/c she tried to call me recently and was snarky when the call did not go through. I found out from her friend how offended she was when she could not reach me.

      I guess she then realized she cannot jump start the affair again as I have blocked her email for every account we have. Me, my CH and kids just in case.

    • betrayedchump

      I meet my Wife’s AP in person @ my Mother-in-Laws Estate garage sale. I did NOT know @ the time that my Wife was having an EA with him. He came upstairs from the basement carrying boxes (my Wife was in the basement) as soon as he saw me & we made eye contact he put his head down, set the boxes down, went over to my single sister-in-law, kept his back to me, talked & helped the sister-in-law until he was ready to leave, He never went back down to the basement after I got there & my wife did niot come upstairs until after he left. He knew me as we had meet twice previously but I could not place his name to his face? I knew the Scumbag Player’s face but just couldn’t place where I had meet him before???? I saw him again the next day @ the Mother-in-Laws estate sale & same thing happens. He comes up from the basement (my Wife was in the basement again) carrying boxes, we make eye contact, he puts his head down, puts down the boxes & goes to the single sister-in-law. He sure fooled me, I tell the sister-in-law look he is back for U again today????????? He keeps his back to me, helps & talks to single sister-in-law until he is ready to leave. He bought some things & I almost helped him carry the stuff to his truck???? He never once walks up to me & says Hey Joe remember me, I’m Scumbag Ron, remeber we met before, & thanks for letting me park my motorcycle in your shop, I’m here to sweep your Wife off her feet, convince her to leave you & HOPEFULLY have SEX with her!!!!!!!! My Wife NEVER says anything to me about him being there, why he was there or if she invited the Scumbag there or if the Scumbag invited himself!!!! It was probably a good thing I could not place him & that I did not know about their EA @ that time. I know I would have been asking her what the HELL is he doing here & she would have had some explaining to do to her siblings. She introduced him to her younger brother as her friend but did not introduce him to her younger sister, older sister & older brother & his wife. If I only would have known then what I know now, him & I would have been chest bumping & I would have done EVERYTHING i physically could have to get the Scumbag away from my wife & her family!!!! I am sure one of us would have left in an ambulance!!!!!!!
      I confronted him by phone a couple months later after I found out about their EA & who he was!!!! I was told several times by my wife to leave him alone as it was NOT his fault for our marriage problems, she said we had those before he came along??????? I did not tell my wife I was going to contact the Scumbag but it did nothing to ease my fear/anger when he told me that they had a special emotional connection & they were special friends. Oh what I wouldn’t give to be able to reach through the phone & choke the living shit out of the Scumbag right then & there!!!!!! He denied, lied, denied, lied, denied, lied about his motive, his manipulation & his goal of his special friendship with MY WIFE!!!!! I asked him to LEAVE MY WIFE & OUR MARRIAGE ALONE! He REFUSED & told me only MY WIFE could make him stop being her friend! He would NOT TURN HIS BACK ON MY WIFE FOR ME OR ANYONE ELSE, ONLY IF MY WIFE????!?!!(&(#%[email protected]%
      I wanted to PUKE on him through the phone since I could not choke the living shit out of him. I was SO PISSED to know he was in LOVE/LUST with my WIFE after I talked to him I did not know what to do next. I told my wife I called & talked to her Scumbag Married boyfriend & she got PISSSED @ ME & told me to NEVER bother him again as this was BETWEEN US, NOT SCUMBAG & US!!!&(&(%(&%^*% For me it just made EVERYTHING WORSE between me & my wayward friendly spouse!!!!!!!!!!!
      Peace to All!!!!!!!!

      • CBb

        I don’t know how long this has been going on or if you have children.

        My CH’s EA went on for almost 12 months. He ended it last summer and then it resumed last fall to around early December. I have children.

        I was so fed up with doing all the work, trying to show him we still had a great marriage, blah, blah, blah (we have ALL been down this road).

        When I found out about round 2 in December, I calmly told him he had to leave. He said he did not want to leave, sorry, won’t happen again, blah, blah, blah. I picked up the phone, called a friend and made arrangements for him to stay with friends.

        I told a few close friends(in front of him) that we were over. Hevwas devastated.

        I finally stopped being a doormat for his mid life crisis.

        Boy did that change him. He begged me to stay with him during our counseling session. I told him he was delusional if he thought I could take him back.

        He saw the light snd hascworked extremely hard these past 8 months. Even our counselor is impressed. He got it and we have been fortunate and blessed to have been able to recover.

        However I credit my throwing him out as the catalyst to change. When he realized I was done, he changed. His EA was over right before Thanksgiving BUT it does not matter when he ended it. It was me who finally ended his mid life crisis by telling him to please have it w/out involving me and our children. I told him to go live with AP for all I care. Just go.

        Obviously this will not work in all cases. But I would rather be alone and happy than mistreated, disrespected, laughed at and stressed out and stay married.

        I’m just saying……..the cheating spouse does not control your life unless you let them. Take your power back.

        If you kick your cheating wife out, chances are the AP who is married may drop her too, if he feels he now has to support her. And if the AP’s wife finds out, the you know shat will really hit the fan.

        Let your cheating wife know you are not playing!

    • betrayedchump

      CBd:
      You are one of the VERY, VERY LUCKY ones to have a CS who DECIDED they wanted to SAVE, FIX, REPAIR & RENEW their relationship/marriage! I wil forever be disappointed that my CS did NOT want to take even the smallest steps or make the smallest of attempts to save, fix, repair & renew our 25 year marriage. My wife’s EA was an EXIT AFFAIR!!!! She wanted the relationship/marriage to be ended/killed/destroyed but she did not want to end it? She selfishly & to save face wanted me to end the marriage so I was the BAD PARTNER, NOT HER!!!! She knew I would leave the marriage over her AFFAIR after I discovered it & she refused to end it!!!!! She finally realized that I was NOT going to file for Divorce so she filed when I was 300 miles away & then told me I made her file????? Divorce court happened 07/31/14. We did not have children together but I have ALWAYS been there for OUR SON (from her first husband) since the day he was born!!!!! I always thought & cared about/for him as my OWN SON even though he was not my flesh & blood!!!!!!!!! We were married when he was 2 & was OUR RINGBEARER!. He is 28 now, married with 2 beautiful little girls!!!!! I am so very PROUD of him, he is a great husband, great father, great son & a GENTLEMAN!!!! The disappointment of his MOM & I NOT being a great example to follow in his relationship/marriage is overwhelming!!!! I will forever be disappointed in my wife’s choice/decision on how she ended/killed/destroyed OUR relationship/marriage!!!! I will forever be disappointed that she chose to split OUR families in two!!!!! Most of all I will be forever disappointed in her that she did NOT remain TRUE TO HERSELF!!!!!
      Peace to All

    • Bonnie

      I have AT&T and on my iphone I can block numbers by navigating to the missed call, selecting the “i” symbol inside the circle to the right of the number and then scrolling down until I see “Block this Caller”.

    • Bonnie

      OR selecting the number from your contacts and scrolling down until you see “Block this Caller”

    • tabs

      Bonnie-

      THANK YOU!

    • fightingback

      In my particular case it worked to contact my CSs AP. I confirmed the EA through xrated texts and my wife’s plans to escalate it to a PA when she was in the APs area (we live 3 hrs apart thank God). I texted the AP an hour before he was to plead guilty for his 3rd drunk driving offense and begin serving jail time. He was also facing termination from his govt. job.

      Before I get to the outcome I should note I had met the AP only once over 15 years ago. We didn’t know each other. We had similarities. Both married for about the same amount of time. He had a son, I had 3 with my CS. His wife had stood by him during all of his drunken excesses. I couldn’t relate to that though….I’ve never been arrested, ever.

      I kept the texting communication factual, and respectful and firm. I told the AP I knew what had happened and he had a choice to end this EA on his own without involving his wife. I told him he had the jail term to think about what he was going to say to my CS.

      I was astonished when he immediately and unequivocally agreed to end it and he appreciated keeping his wife out of it. He served his jail time and I contacted him again to find out when he would end it. He gave me a date the following week and he forwarded emails my CS sent him after he got out (she missed him of course..AND she wouldn’t shut up talking about him…).
      THERE are many articles on this blog about total cut off as the best remedy. The AP agreed and told my CS it was over and done, we need to focus on our families, etc.

      My CS was unbearable for the next 36 hours. Like an addict being cut off from the drug she had immediate “withdrawal”. The APs cut off e-mail caused her to finally confess the EA to me (she had been in denial for a month). She was now in denial over losing the “friend” she had the EA with. She demanded I reach out to the AP and say it was ok to talk to my CS. 36 hours after the confession my CS deduced I had contacted the AP and she screen locked her phone.

      I was pissed and i confronted her with screen shots I got from her phone of her texting the AP..plans to escalate to a PA and x rated chats. I asked her how she would feel if it was me chatting this way with one of my ex gfs who my CS despises…. .and my CS broke down into a little kid…shame and enormous guilt followed and endless remorseful apologies.
      I admitted my contact with the AP but my wife was only sad and not mad at anyone but herself for her choices. She realized how I reasonably interpreted their chats and understood I was desperate to save us and fight for us….. and she took full responsibility for her choices.
      We are less than a week past this and we are working hard at processing the affair outcome and being stronger as a couple. The lock screen came down. She doesn’t get defensive when a “trigger” event occurs and I’m working hard at rebuilding my ability to trust her.

      In my case…thus far, it worked to confront the AP. HE was 1) still married and had a child 2) he lived 3 hours away and his license is gone from his drunk driving conviction 3) he had legal and employment issues taking up much of his time. 4) his wife didn’t know and he had a strong interest to keep it that way.

      I think these factors worked in my favor to get the outcome I wanted and needed. I also felt an enormous sense of empowerment. The EA had robbed me of control and I was getting some control back by heading off the PA.

      Thanks for reading and if it helps you then that is all well and good.

      • Doug

        Thanks for sharing that fightingback! And best wishes for you in strengthening your relationship.

        • fightingback

          Thank you Linda and Doug for hosting this wonderful community. We’re working on it and I’m optimistic.

    • TheFirstWife

      I had to contact the OW to find out about the affair. My CH was acting crazy and in one week told me he wanted out and 24 hours later begged me to take him back. So I called her and she let me know they were back together. When I confronted my CH he STILL continued to deny things that turned out to be true. That is the part I have a hard time accepting- that he is a coward. Changes how I look at him even after 18 months. I love him and I believe our marriage will survive. But I had to redefine who I am living with. And it hurts

    • Once bitten

      I’ve never posted on here but thought why not. I did contact the OW, after reading their email exchanges, finding her nude photos and viewing the cell phone log. I pretended I didn’t have any real evidence at first. I asked her about their relationship, and she just lied and lied until finally I called her bluff. Then it got interesting. She placed all the blame on him, not that I didn’t, but I did read their email exchanges so I knew she had initiated things, and even though he said he was married she pursued things. I knew she was putting me down to him even though she didn’t know me and pretty much planting the seeds of how horrible our marriage and I was. He bought into it, and of course couldn’t turn down the hard core porn photos that she was sending him. I feel zero simplify for the less than human being she is and found that the conversation wasn’t helpful, in fact it was nauseating at best and it simply made me wonder how the hell my spouse could have been interested in a narcissistic piece of trash like that. It actually made me hate what he did even more and further complicated our ability to try and repair all the damage they had done.

    • Kathy

      About a year I found out about my husband’s (mostly) internet affair. It turned out this was his second and he had been involved in total over 10 years. The current partner had met up with him once when he was supposed to be on a Spanish language immersion trip.
      We have been going to counseling, but he has not stopped the affair. Apparently he talks or texts her about every day. I don’t know how often they have “encounters.” I have told him over and over that the ongoing affair hurts me and distracts from our relationship, but he either doesn’t believe me or doesn’t care. He wants to go on having his cake and eating it too.
      We have been married for 31 years and have two college-age children. He says he does not want a divorce.
      I tracked her down (difficult, as her name is common and she lives on the opposite coast). I have not contacted her yet. I am not angry with her — she did not come after my husband. I am frustrated with his unwillingness and/or inability to stop the affair and invest in our relationship despite giving that lip service.
      I am torn whether to contact her or not. It would be to put my human face on what may otherwise seem like an avatar or imaginary person. To let her know how much the ongoing relationship is hurting me. Even just to take away the anonymity. Or maybe just to tell him that I have her contact information.

    • Sardo

      The hard part for me, is the OW is an ex of my H. He has know her longer than me. On DDay, when I asked how long the EA had been going on, was it the whole time we were together, he said ‘pretty much’. 10 yrs. How do I fix intimacy or other problems in our marriage that led to an affair, when his relationship with her (she was married for a significant portion of that 10 yrs) is of a longer duration than my marriage? Does that make ME the OW in some twisted way?

      • Donns

        Ugh! The woman my husband had an affair with was an old high school sweetheart . He had an emotional long distance affair for 3 months and since he was working out of town at the time I could never prove if he met up with her or not and slept with her during this time. He won’t admit it if he did. Depending on what mood I’m in depends on what I think. The affair was 5 years ago. My heart and mind stil will not let it go. We stayed together he is remorseful and regrets it. But it forever changed me. By the way we have been married 33 years

        • Donna

          PS to the above I did contact her a year after D-Day. I was beside myself but I wanted answers so I was cordule . Funny I believed the things she told me over him. Go figure! Her answers seem credible. I have more to say on the subject .Be back to later. Thanks

    • #EAhurts!

      Yes, I contacted her. I mailed her an 11 page letter to her house. I needed her to know how much her part in the EA hurt me. I was kind and gracious. I asked her to never do this to another family again. I told her of things that I knew my husband had bought her just to make sure she knew I knew. I ended with “I hope you find what you are looking for. I will pray for you and your family.” Signed it and wrote my email address at the bottom. I just wanted to see if she would have to gumption to explain herself. Well, she did. And apologized but I must have things wrong. Yes, my husband bought her things and went to her house, with people there of course, to repair things. You see she is a single woman who works part time at my husband’s place of employment and she said they were just friends. If there was anything romantic it was a figment of my husband’s imagination. blah, blah, blah. I asked her point blank things, I realized when she answered me, the answers were becoming more and more elusive and condescending. I finally told her Thank You and did not contact her again. I realized she was lying to me just like my husband. While I do believe it was only a EA that my husband financed her every want, I believe had it not been found out that it would have become a sexual affair. They work together, to make things worse. There is a window of about 45 minutes every night that they are in the same building before he heads out to the other facilities. I found out September and in November my husband’s job switches from nights to days through the holiday season. We were working on our relationship and although it has been very tough, there is a glimpse of a marriage beginning that both of us want from each other. January rolls in and my husband goes back to nights and my stress level goes off the chart. I send her another email. Stating again the pain that I have been through and this time I would not be so gracious if I found out that either of them talked to one another again. I again told her of the lies I found out that she told me even though she told me she was an open book with nothing to hide. She always Maintained no one knew. I know that was not the case. Hockey pucks!!! She did not respond to that email. Nor did I want her too. I needed to be the one in control for a change. Things are going good with my husband and I but I am so grateful for this website. Got me though a lot of hard days. The communication with that other woman was therapeutic for me. It gave me power. I also could see how horribly this would have gone if it were in person. Emotions are too raw and unpredictable. Things could have happened that would have made a great TV crime show if we were to have been in the same zip code!! But I personally just needed her to know. That is just me and my pitiful story. Hope it helps someone else.

    • DumbWifeWhoStay

      Same old story of pathetic wife failing to live up to expectations that a marriage required. The husband felt for someone else, the wife act like crazy animal going after the third party. LoL. The OW don’t own you anything. She does not needs to answer to you or own you any explanation. Whether the OW is married or not, if your husband choose to involve with her, then that is HIS choice. Take it up with him OR file for divorce. Instead of bashing after the third party (who doesn’t owe you sh*t) YOU need to look yourself in the mirror and ask what is wrong with YOU that you CHOOSE to stay after DDay?? If you stay (for whatever sorry excused you have) then STOP b*tching! Whinny, needy wives are pathetic and hence the husband tired of your a** and make a choice to cheat on you. I have ZERO sympathy for wives who stay and in her needs to have some control and integrity over the situation she goes after the OW. Seriously, YOU are delusional if you think your husband loves and respects you. He stayed because he is afraid of financial ruins and you are a good maid. Completely self serving. No surprise there. YOU stay because he brings home the beacons and providing to a comfortable lifestyles, and the fact that you are now OUTDATED (old) and your chance of finding a man who is willing to take you on is slim to nada! Come on, you know this. Completely self serving. The truth hurt doesn’t it. I say to any cheating men out there, hey! If your dumb wife tolerate your cheating way and stay with you by all means have your cake and eating it too. And to all the OW out there, if the MM real with you, return the favor. If he play games with you, return the favor as well. And if a wife contact you or go after you, I say give her SH*T! If it’s not you, it’ll be someone else he’ll going to do with behind her back. The wife needs to be taught a good lesson if she goes after the OW.

      • Older and wiser

        Wow! Your signature says it all! You need professional help to rid yourself of the obvious bitterness and hate you are blanketed in. The OW got him from you, eh? Makes me wonder if your anger issues were the catalyst for his affair, if not, You should address this in therapy. You need to stop the self-loathing.

      • EAhurts!

        I am just now seeing this!!! WOW! You, in my opinion, are bitter and have no class or integrity. Are those words too big for you to understand? Let me break this down for you….You are trash if you believe the hatred that you spew! No wife, or husband, for that matter EVER deserves the heartbreak of the discovery of an affair. In the times after this horrible discovery, I believe doing whatever helps in the Betrayed Spouse’s preservation is totally acceptable. (Within reason of course.) You are no better than the Affair Partner if you truly believe that you need to side with the Other Party and disrespect the Betrayed. Now, was I hurt and dismayed….YES I WAS. Do I love my Spouse, YES I DO. We have a history, in fact a lifetime together. I will never justify or condone his behavior but I can forgive. Is this wrong of me? I freely admit I sin daily, but I have a God that loves and forgives me everyday, why can’t I do the same to the person I love. I will pray for you! You obviously need some soul searching and Grace in your life, as well as a grammar refresher course!

        • hurt person

          amen! I couldn’t have said this better myself

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