affair fantasyReal love, unlike affair love, is not a fantasy.  Affair love is secret romantic dinners, enticing conversation and sexual excitement in a hotel room. Typically, it does not last.

Real love is much more than that deep down, but on the surface there exist the realities of every day life.  Realities that aren’t always very romantic, enticing or exciting.

Real love (or married love) has an ebb and flow to it. Some days you feel the way you did when you first fell in love.  Other days you feel dispirited, tired, distracted, disappointed, and angry.

Even if real love begins with infatuation, it finds its continuity in married love, with peaks of real passion, valleys of disappointment, and plateaus of days that are just OK.  Successful married couples know this.  They have learned how to communicate and deal with the ups and the downs.

It can be frustrating as a betrayed spouse to find a way to make your spouse understand that what he/she is experiencing with their affair partner is not real.  At times it can be like beating your head against a wall.

If only they could step outside of their bodies and see themselves from another point of view, they could perhaps  realize that though they may feel great now and think they are in love with their “soul mate,” that once the affair love wears off, chances are they are going to regret what they have done. 

So here are this week’s discussion topics…

If you are the betrayed, do you believe that you are (were) competing with a fantasy?

If so, how have you managed to do so?

If you are the cheater, do you believe that your affair is (was) a fantasy? Why or why not?

As always, please respond to each other in the comment section below.

See also  How to Handle Triggers - You Decide!

Thank you so much!

Linda & Doug


    35 replies to "Discussion – The Competition with Affair Love"

    • Jeddy

      Less a fantasy than an escape. She mirrored back everything he said, so they thought they were in sync and had a special connection – too bad her husband and i werent apprised of this good news. None of it went beyond superficial ego boosting. Hes mortified now, but the damage this ‘little nothing’ did to me is very deep. In the end it’s just all so childish and selfish. The whole affair wasn’t confirmed to me until after it was over, but when I look back on how I was treated, I’m furious. She’s not a threat to my marriage, although she wasn’t too happy about the affair ending, and her behavior caused a lot of trouble after. That I stayed committed and was treated like shit for a little ego stroking makes me sick. Who cares if it was a fantasy or not? Competition? They can have each other. When you’re married you don’t covertly bring a third person into the marriage – its very black and white for me. I can guarantee that when they were together, he never thought, ‘gee I wonder if the kids are fed, home works done, baths and showers are happening’. Not once, because he never had to worry about those things while he carried on. So I was lied to and used.

    • exercisegrace

      My husband tells me he regretted his affair immediately, but thought because it became a PA he had ruined our marriage. Even during his affair when my suspicions were rampant, I was smart enough to know that while it may have *seemed* like his AP and I were competing, we really were not. Here is how I see it. If you want fine dining, then McDonald’s will never satisfy you. If you are in the mood for some cheap, greasy food….then you swing through the drive through a time or two. But usually you are disgusted with yourself for eating something you know isn’t real food, and is damaging your health and well-being.

      Affairs are like that too. They are the ego version of fast food. They are cheap, easy but never satisfying in the long term. McD’s is not the place you want to eat at every day for the rest of your life, and affair partners are never the people you want in your life long term. They are not the people chosen to be promoted to spouse, co-parent your children, and be taken home to meet mama.

      I can remember telling my bff at the time, I can’t and would never want to compete with his (then suspected) whore. She is single, and lives a self-centered life. And it is a lonely life. It may have briefly seemed attractive to him in an escapist sort of way (go out to eat when you want, no demands, no one to answer to, etc) it is not who he is. I pity her shallow existence built around grubbing money, attention, snobbery, and self-indulgence. If life with her was what he had wanted, I would have shaken my head and said good riddance. You two deserve each other and the pathetic cardboard existence you are building.

      At the same time, she could never compete with ME and that is exactly why he told her he still loved me and would never leave. OUR relationship has history and substance. It is built on years of trust, love and truth. We have lived it in the light of day and shared more than she could ever even imagine. We have built not just a relationship, but a FAMILY. I am the mother of his children and after thirty years together we are intertwined in each others’ families. We have established a home, a church family, friendships decades in the making, and so much more.

      In the end I just don’t see it as competition. If you want to dumpster dive for your meals, be my guest and affair down all you want. I will sit at the pretty table and enjoy a beautiful meal surrounded by all the ones I love.

      • Anne

        I can’t tell you how this post has helped my self esteem. Thank you.

    • Jeddy

      I agree 100%. I called his affair the Twinkie on the shelf at the corner store. No substance, nothing to build on. Knock yourself out, but you will starve.

    • lifesentence

      Yes I do believe I was competing with a fantasy. In fact my CW said it was a fantasy several times. I reminded her it was not a fantasy for me it was a nightmare. The damage and pain is not a fantasy it’s the reality of those poor choices. I asked her would our families think it was a fantasy? The way to compete with a fantasy is to expose it for what it reality is, betrayal of vows, immature, selfish and despicable behavior certain to wreak havoc with the lives of people they love. Hope and pray that this wakes them up from the “fantasy”. In retrospect I should have exposed more, quicker to close family members who could help snap her out of it.

    • Gizfield

      You and me both, Life Sentence, although I wish I would have exposed it to everyone. It’s hard to continue the main fantasy (that you aren’t doing anything wrong ) when the Secret is out. I doubt anyone other than my husband would think his girlfriend who’s dating a married man with a five year old daughter has “the highest morals of anyone I know”. May I sell you the Brooklyn Bridge now, too,lol?

    • jborgfo

      Can a husband be too remorseful after his affair.?????

      • Doug

        You may have to provide a little bit more detail, jborgfo

    • Lovey

      My husband had a 14 year adulterous relationship which both of them agreed to ..she understanding he would never leave me ….after six years she wanted children …being that she had ‘spent six years and might not find anyone to have children with …’ she ‘researched the possibility of being a ‘single mom by choice’…he ‘gave’ her two.

      When I discovered this seven years ago …we had at that time been married for 26 years. I had home-schooled our three children while he was working ‘hard’ for all that he wanted us to have …I had tried to remind him of how much we missed his involvement and he was missing …apparently he did not ‘miss’ anything …at least nothing that was important to him

      I feel now after these seven years and his finally leaving our home now for going on 8 months that he did not miss anything that was of value to him.

      He had it ALL literally that any man would have died for …not being conceited …heard it all the time …but what he had was not what HE wanted. He went after what HE wanted and apparently found in the OW ….

      Yet after discovery he cut off all relationship with her but put his responsibility for those children in place of a mistress. Instead of putting effort into learning to deal with his choices he chose to go the easier route.

      He simply used me and our children to be his facade while he played with the OW without having to be ‘cornered’ into marrige.

      Why change what was ‘working’ for HIM …and apparently she got what SHE wanted…not my husband but MONEY for as long as those children are under the age of 18 ….or 21 depending …Their ‘agreement’ was that he would not be paying for college.

      They made all kinds of decisions that effected me and our children with no concern whatsoever. We were not REAL HUMAN BEINGS but simply obstacles to add to their exciting game of deceit.

      I am still trying to work this through…he was such a good actor and no one would ever have dreamed such a ‘nice’ , ‘thoughtful’ , ‘generous ‘ man would do such a thing to his family. They were fooled and so were we .

      I pray all the time as I continue to study the word of God to learn what more I can do to cone through this and do so in the way that honors my Lord.

      None of us can imagine this is our life. He has simply no explanation for what his departure is supposed to do for his own recovery ..he just ‘can’t stay with us ‘ …won’t even come to dinner. He is not connected to the OW either.

      When people allow thoughts to govern their choices and they don’t bother to measure them by the things God tells us that are the best way to live…then they are deceived…and apparently can excuse any vile behavior to obey such thoughts unchallenged by moral law.

      I am trying STILL to deal with how deliberately this ‘caring man’ was able to deny how painful the wounds of this have been for everyone he has deliberately lied to all these years and still expects us to all be ‘friends’!

      I have left the door open for reconciliation but every time he comes to pick up one of our daughters who he never made time for while they were young…I hurt…it is like rejection afresh every time..he barely even looks at me nor talks to me …which is just what he did when he broke up with the OW! I am NOT the OW !

      His wanting to live in denial of all the pain he has caused…is causing more pain to those he used and hurt.

      We are still married…and will have our 34th anniversary coming up…the last one he actually told me he would not be joining me for it since it ‘wouldn’t be right’ ! It was a crushing example of rejection to our daughters who are now of marriageable age….instead of taking this opportunity to demonstrate a way a man might make all kinds of effort to reconciliation and redeem his integrity …he is giving them a very poor image of manhood . Who will be able to gain trust as this man has been so good at getting trust with his fake behavior prior to D DAY.

      They have been raised with biblical morality and virtue values…His influence for good has STILL not been taken up by him but he has chosen to do the opposite…it seems he refuses to take responsibility or even want to learn what to do to change his impact upon them.

      Sad situation …

      • Laura

        I doubt anyone will see this as this is an old thread, but I’m stunned by the fact your daughters still have any contact with him at all after his treatment of you. I realize he’s their father but his behavior is beyond abhorrent. If my husband had behaved like that and my kids were young (as they were during his affair) I would have put strict rules on his visitation with them, if I allowed it at all (chaperoned, limited hours, neutral setting).
        I find it hard to believe a father could treat his children so callously.

    • Rachel

      Feeling a bit sad today. My ex niece is getting married today and I won’t be there. I’ve known her for 30 years. We always had great conversations about life her future and her wedding. I feel ripped off again.
      I sent a bouquet of flowers and card with my son last night at the rehearsal dinner to give to her. Just a simple message of best wishes on her wedding day and future.
      Events like this tend to bring me back and pulls me down. forgiving the ex, I’m not seeing it for a long time.

    • MelMel

      My husband told me from the beginning after D Day “it’s not a competition, but if it was you would win.” I knew that wasn’t true, though. The fantasy was deep for him and his EA partner. I was a “virtual” wife, especially to her. Due to a serious situation in our son’s family I was living for several months in another state helping with our grandchildren. It was easy for my husband to forget about me, even though we talked on the phone every night. And she pretended I didn’t even exist, for the most part. He met her through church music and events; much of their time together was spent “doing the Lord’s work”. They were doing good things for God so how could their relationship be wrong? I would say the fantasy was very deep and thorough.

      It felt like I was fighting an up hill battle trying to help him realize that it was fantasy. My pain and the serious damage his EA caused were real enough, but he had a really difficult time seeing that the woman he had contemplated leaving our 38 year marriage over was not everything he had allowed himself to believe. (Would a “righteous woman really get involved with another man’s wife? Seriously?) Along the recovery road which we’ve been on for 14 months and 26 days now he would say little things like “She mostly talked about herself. She almost never asked questions about me.” He didn’t seem to see the significance of those sorts of remarks so I would ask him if I had heard him correctly and repeat what he had just said. Gradually hearing those real deficits, the very real ways she wasn’t meeting his real needs said out loud back to him started to have an affect. The Fantasy Busting really became serious once I found this website. To my husband’s credit he was willing to listen to webcasts with me and read articles from the blog with me and discuss them. I was thrilled to find so much information on the fantasy of affairs and affair fog. And it worked. He finally has seen the entire EA as a warped fantasy. While initially whenever we talked about the EA he referred to her as “my friend” (He’s lucky I didn’t kill him for that.), most recently he has referred to her as the “interloper”. Hearing that literally brought tears of relief and cautious joy to my eyes.

      We both realize that there is much more healing and recovery ahead of us, but we recently celebrated our 39th anniversary and I feel cautiously optimistic that we will make it to 40 and beyond. Yesterday I was less optimistic, but today I feel somewhat more so. Days are like that. A dear friend of mine whose husband confessed 10 years ago to having visited numerous prostitutes (contracting HIV in the process) told me earlier in our EA recovery journey that she woke up every day and decided if she would stay married to him that day. She no longer has to do that and I don’t have to do it every day any more, but my wise friend and this website have made that possible. I cannot give enough thanks and praise to Linda and Doug and for all of you who share your stories and pain and successes.

    • Strengthrequired

      Im competing still with the ow, even though she isn’t around anymore, I’m competing with knowing she took time that I desperately wanted with my h away from me, and he easily was able to give her as much time as they both wanted, every chance they got, even took time from work, because he was so smitten with her, he just couldn’t concentrate.
      Yet I’m the wife that all because I want to see him and spend time with him, for his children to spend time with him, I am not supportive enough, I don’t understand what he is going through, because I don’t go out and work due to being a stay at home mum, raising the kids, (mind you he doesn’t want me to work, he wants me to be with the kids).
      He actually compared me to his work acquaintances, who expect him to be at their job site all the time even if they don’t need him and he could be elsewhere at another job site.
      Wow, I told him that I am not a work acquaintance I am his wife.
      Times lie, this, I think about how he should have just went and chose her so she would put up with the lonliness. I cannot believe he actually thinks I have not been supportive of him, after all I told him a very long time ago, to stay down with the business so he didn’t have to stress about all the work he had going on, all the pressure he was getting to complete jobs, because imagine spending time with someone who you miss and are recovering from the affects of an affair with, and all he can think of is what he has to do at work, and stressing out the whole time about how he was going to finish on time. Instead of him being there completely with me and his children. Yet I am not supportive enough. Not understanding enough, all because I let him know that I feel as though he doesn’t really want to spend time with us, as each time I ask him to come home early so he can spend a full weekend with us.
      Yet he always manages to make me feel like the guilty one for even asking and feeling how I feel.

      • Strengthrequired

        Sorry,, I didn’t finish a sentence – because I asked him to spend time with us for a full weekend and every time something with work comes up, which is why I a mentioned that I feel like he doesn’t want to spend time with us.

        • forcryin'outloud

          SR – First I want to say I don’t have all the facts but from what you write on here these are my thoughts on what you write.
          I think you need to get to the rock bottom of what is going on with your husband. There is too much physical distance between you two and apparently a great deal of mental distance from you and the family in regards to your husband. From my perspective it seems off and his behavior is inappropriate.
          My H and I had a go at it yesterday about my psycho MIL doing something to once again effect our relationship. He whined that work has been shit for the past 3 days and he just does’t want to deal with it. So sorry, but you should have thought of that before you and your psycho mother tried to move me out of the picture. Consequences…his consequences not mine. I’ve sacrificed enough for him with not much in return. I will not go back to giving everything and getting little in return or being put on the back burner to accommodate his frustration level.
          SR – you are a kind caring soul who deserves happiness and joy. Please take care of yourself!

          • Strengthrequired

            Fcol, thanks, I do know what is going on with him, he is trying to recover from the effects of the affair, the damage caused to our business and financials. Yet honestly I am trying to recover from his affair. We are moving back in a month, so we can be together every night, so distance won’t be a problem then, but still I’m hoping competing for his time won’t be either.
            I know how stressed he is, and my emotions are running at a high too, due to knowing I’m moving back to where I could possibly run into the ow, and having to face everyone I haven’t seen for almost two years.
            So what I wrote yesterday was mostly emotion driven, because I don’t believe I have been unsupportive. I know we are both just frustrated trying to get back in too if things, and it seems to be a very slow process, yet it is getting there.

            • Strengthrequired

              Fcol, me feeling like I am still competing with the ow, is only because I want to have the time he easily gave her, she took it from me and our children. Even though she is not in the picture, it is my thoughts that have me compare. He went on a mental holiday being a hero and saviour and enjoying all the ego boost, and now he is back from his mental trip away, it is work work work, and more work.
              That is where I think I believe I am competing with her still, it is the memories, of what should have been our time.
              I am trying to distance myself from thinking about the time he gave her, yet it is pretty hard.

            • forcryin'outloud

              SR – I hope I didn’t offend you. You just seem like such a lovely person – so caring and giving. Even when you’re mad you still seem genuinely kind. :-).
              I’ve moved a bazillion times so I know the stress but I don’t know the stress of living near the OW. (Probably best for her and my safety.) I wish you all the courage and strength you need for this latest endeavor. You’re in my thoughts.

            • Strengthrequired

              Fcol, no Hun, you didn’t upset me at all. Lol. You too are far too sweet for that. I Thankyou for giving me the opportunity to vent my frustration lol.
              You always give me the strength I need to keep moving forward.
              Like you, I’m so sick of inlaws. Lol

    • crushedinnc

      I certainly was competing with a fantasy. He told the whore everything that upset him about me, things he didn’t agree with, things he wanted … he basically gave her a playbook on what to or not to do, how to support him, what he wanted and didn’t feel he was getting from me. She was on her own in her second marriage, cuz her husband was off with his mistress, and she found my husband on facebook. He is an over the road truck driver, and I didn’t monitor him 24/7, although I had no idea I might have wanted to be doing that. She was a friend of his from school long ago (we all graduated in 1975!) … a few months into their chatting, he wanted to go see his parents on the west coast. Mine are both deceased so I always encouraged him to see his folks. It never occured to me that both of his parents cheathing, as well as his brother and sister, would have an effect on him … NOT my husband, he’d never do that. Right. They met for a drink, then he came back to the east coast, and our home/family. A few weeks later, he went to “visit his folk” again, and was with her for 4 days. Did I mention that it was with FULL support of his mother??? He went back and forth across coasts a couple of times, then after spending a weekend home with our family, tells me over the phone, after he had left that he had been unhappy for years and wanted a divorce. He couldn’t have said something over the weekend? His mom was supportive because if I found out he would have moved to the west coast, after I’d given him the boot, as I’d always said it would under those circumstances.

      He called her then his mom for hours that day, and in the coming few weeks, and I only called him once in 3 weeks asking a question about the tires on our 18 year old daughters car. He sent a nice I’m thinking about you sort of text, I read it to our family, then texted back that he made a mistake and sent it to me. He called out oldest son asking did I really not get it? And our son said that the last I’d heard from him he wanted a divorce, so why should I expect that was to me? Hubbs started cailing daily, saying he missed me and wanted to come back hom, we can work on things, and having been married to him 31 years at that point, I said okay. We spent a nice weekend together, then he left on the road again … Friday of that week the whore announced herself, and what had been happening. He had told her he was coming home to me, and she decided since she’d be left alone she’s screw his life up. She did. I told him bye bye and for 3 weeks distanced myself, but then thought why am I letting all of these years go to hell for his stupidity? HE was and had been very remorseful. They were back together days after I found out, but at the 3 week mark I texted him, talked with him, and he told her bye bye. As it turned out, bye bye only lasted between them for a few weeks, as they resumed contact initially through his mothers facebook account, with is mothers full support, SHEESH!!! Over the next 14 months as I struggled do deal with what had happened, he was being supported by the whore when he felt overwhelmed by my sadness. “I only reached out to her when you were totally flipping out on me” … awww, she made him feel better LOL Fast forward to the end of that year, 2011, the affair had been a PA for 4 months, and an EA for the next 10 months, he ended it for real. And 2 months later she let me know what had been going on, sent copies of emails and conversations, he had another email account and fb acct, cuz knew the passwords for the ones I was aware of.

      We are now just over 4 years from the start of their affair, 2 1/2 years since their last contact, and 2 years 3 months since I last heard from her. We’re married 35 years now. I always felt in competition with her, but I’m finally realizing that, as my daughter said, if he wanted me to look like her he’d have asked me to lose weight and bleach my hair. He had never done that. She filled a need him him to be worshiped. Shortly before the affair, he started a midlife crisis, we went through a bankruptcy due to medical debt, gave up our home due to gang activitity as a part of the bankruptcy, my credit rating was higher than his when we went to finance a car for our graduating daughter. I had homeschooled her last 3 years of high school into 2 years, so yeah, I was busy and not worshiping him. When the whore appeared, and he told her things he was unhappy about rather than telling me … it started.

      I tell him I am 2 years and 3 months from the affair … YOU knew about it long before I did … research shows 2-4 years to work through it, and I’m getting there. He was, for the most part, been incredibly remorseful and supportive. I have melt down still due to triggers, but I’m not triggered constantly now, and I can even wake up and not have the PA be my first thought! Progress. It’s difficult to know what he did, and how he compared her to me (no comparision … a dedicated wife to a whore? … I don’t think so!)_, but he now realizes the affair fog, and what he did, and is striving to help me through it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    • Lovey

      So sorry Rachel….just saw your comment in my inbox …but not here…anyway …the damage is difficult especially since our culture does little to condemn it and oftentimes encourages such behavior …sorry you missed your ex niece’s wedding …you didn’t say why except I m guessing that since she was part of your husband’s family [?] that you felt it would be too difficult and ‘awkward”[?] and painful no doubt…

      Hugs for you today …Just wish there were more “publicity’ as to the real outcome of cheating . I guess there is no money in it for Hollywood and all the other industries that make a mint on people’s urges.

      So Sorry for your pain again!

      • Rachel

        Thank you lovey. Just felt left out again.

    • Lovey


      Dear one,

      I know the things you are going through…heard much from my DH.

      The ‘love’ these people are thinking is NOT LOVE …and here is what the Bible says to us if we have ears to hear.

      Rom 13:10 Love worketh no ill to his neighbour: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.

      Giving to ANYONE ANYTHING that belongs in the marriage covenant is “ILL” treatment…it is to use someone else for emotional or physical behavior that belongs to the spouse.

      It is infidelity emotionally, physically, spiritually , financially and TIME wise.

      When we marry it is not for our SELVES but it can be very beneficial to the self when it calls us OUT from our focus upon what is useful to make us better and stronger in faith and character.

      THE MAN has been ripped off in the marriage relationship by way of thinking most of the responsibility is the WIFE’S ….this is the effect of gender neutralization efforts by the social engineers ..effecting change upon a whole society through indoctrinating media methods as well as the churches not teaching the whole truth regarding the ORDER God has for everyone ‘s good…and HIs glory.

      Learning about proper and useful boundaries has almost become lost information. The benefit and protection that godly boundaries provides is HUGE. The loss of the knowledge of them, of the benefit and even HOW to provide them comes through the study of how GOD talks about all of our relationships and demonstrates the good ones and the outcome and the ones where people ignored His wisdom about them and the outcome there too.

      I like you had thought I was helping and supporting my husband by allowing that he should do whatever would make him happy and accommodate HIS ideas….but that works when the husband is paying attention to the Lord’s guidance written and addressed to HUSBANDS!

      I think one resource I was reading put it well when they said ‘ What if God’s intention in marriage was not to make us happy but to make us holy~!” Interesting thought and certainly makes a difference in how we see our part in marriage.

      God is all about ORDER …HIS order for marriage is that the man is to be concerned with his relationship with GOD in that he studies with as desire to learn how to live ..and how to live in marriage if he is married.

      It is not a random relationship with either God or his wife. And his WIFE is the one that GOD directs the man to be MOST concerned about learning to treat her as Christ did the church..that would be to be intentional about going first in loving her …and to be setting aside all other prior relationships ..including the one he had with his parents!

      1Jo 4:19 We love him, because he first loved us.

      As the designated representative of Christ to his bride a man is to INITIATE all love and that takes him making his wife and time with her his priority …even above his career!

      A lot of people don’t take scripture seriously enough or believe that it is indeed GOD breathed to realize that all of the keys to how marriage works are clearly stated and laid out.

      There is no reason for failure except people have hardened their hearts , stopped their ears and turned in favor of fun, pleasure and comfort rather than consider the benefit of challenges that are a part of any relationship …but most especially one that GOD has ordained to picture Christ and the bride which is the church…aka His body!

      So many things you describe are actually what a bride , wife should expect from her husband IF he is listening and cares about how GOD tells him to live out his life in marriage.

      It is actually ALL FOR the man’s benefit …when a man loves his wife as God will instruct and enable him to do the growing affection will surprise him…when he turns from looking at the world and all there is there and focuses upon what GOD will have him see…and one of those places he is to place his eyes and affection after GOD is HIS OWN WIFE.

      Allowing other things to enter in and rip off one’s developing a real closeness with the Lord is the same way a marriage relationship becomes weak .

      There is not such thing as ‘quality time’ without ‘quantity time’

      The man who heeds how GOD instruct him to live is making a good choice that he will never have to regret and he will leave a good example and legacy for his children down through generations.

      Not everyone who is a believer knows this stuff because there are so many things coming at people telling them they can have it ‘all ‘ but the thing is we only get so much TIME and it is not reversible.

      Having sinned we confess but then there is something REQUIRED not for salvation beyond what the Bible says …believe in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and believing GOD raised HIM FROM the DEAD.

      BUT a marriage may be ‘raised from the dead’ when a person takes the time and effort to learn what God will help him learn to do …and a MAN IS the head in that God made HIM with great influence.

      A man is told to guard his heart because out of the heart come the issues of life…so he is also told to guard his eyes…because ..even science has found that there is a hormone stimulated in the brain when a man is arroused and men are easily arroused by what they see.

      So then when Jesus told men that to look with lust upon a woman it was the same as committing adultery …he knew how he designed men to be drawn to their wives ..but that that same hormone within that design would need to be shielded by the man’s determination to obey GOd in this area.

      Today’s culture has offered men so many challenges in terms of visual ..they need to really be diligent and not casual about this aspect of their design.

      The world mocks and scoffs at this…but think about it…every action and every decision begins with a thought …and many thoughts are prompted by what we see.

      Ultimately a man is to protect his wife from his own carnal minded behavior …to protect her from the way his own flesh may draw him into some kind of compromise.

      This also was intended to protect women who are weak or have not been loved and protected by father who were to function to keep them safe from being emostionally drawn in to any man’s working those areas ..which were intended to only be approached by a husband one day.

      I know this may sound so quaint to our way of thinking in this day and in this society so open and disregarding the boundaries as GOD has defined them for our good YET they sure make a lot of sense to me after many years of study to learn how come GOOD people get into such messes and then feel the need to justify it by the present day cultural lack of moral boundaries.

      I hope you might be encouraged to learn that you are not guilty of anything more than a deep sense of what your situations has brought about to protect your marriage relationship.

      Take comfort in that GOD has wanted people to listen to Him and avoid these things but the devil , who is the god of this world since he duped Adam out of this jurisdiction , is hard at work first to keep people from reading and learning from GOD what is truth about this ..and then to try to destroy marriage and thus families and children.

      A fragmented family means a fragmented society that is prone to surrender freedoms for protection …but the protection often comes at a big price of MORE freedom and less real living .

    • Lovey


      The protocol or order of priority within the marriage jurisdiction is this …

      God first

      Deu 6:5 And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.

      Leave all other prior priorities in relationship status….starting with the very most foundational one and most prominent in one’s life….parents and thus illustrates that all others lesser in time and honor will be set in appropriate order….

      Wife next…

      Gen 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

      Jesus confirmed this OT directive .

      Mar 10:7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;

      1Pe 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

      Men don’t have to understand ALL women …as some complain. “Women! Who can understand them!”

      They are directed to learn to KNOW their wife…not for the wife’s ego but it is a command to MEN FOR their own blessing !

      Directions for building affection and appreciation…it also has the beneficial result of the wife truly becoming MORE responsive to the man …and it is not hard to respect a man who is obeying what GOD has said …and that does not mean hearing ‘head’ and thinking ‘boss’

      Jesus told his followers that they were NOT to “Lord’ over others but serve with concern for ‘others rather than self’ certainly this should apply to the leadership of a marriage!

      Mar 10:42 But Jesus called them to him, and saith unto them, Ye know that they which are accounted to rule over the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and their great ones exercise authority upon them.

      Mar 10:43 But so shall it not be among you: but whosoever will be great among you, shall be your minister:

      Mar 10:44 And whosoever of you will be the chiefest, shall be servant of all.

      For a long time women have been given the idea that the marriage condition is THEIR responsibility …even from pulpits…maybe especially from pulpits…but this has been the effect of the gender neutralization agenda…working in our culture for several generations now …and it has the marriage covenant upside down and backwards.

      Men are missing out while they run around trying to establish some kind of way of life based upon the masculine images that are sold to them. Jesus Christ was a man’s man….and He will lead and equip men to live with their wives and to become satisfied, encouraged and built up without the artificial elements of the world!

      Pro 5:18 Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.

      Pro 5:19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

      Most will not realize this because they have not tried it …and they have not tried it in reality because they either did not know this …did not believe it …or bought the lies of the world , the flesh and the devil ..

      May your heart be blessed with the truth as you go and seek this out for yourself in scripture and ask the Lord to help you see .

    • Strengthrequired

      Lovey, Thankyou for your words. I’m glad I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting my h to spend time with us. One thing for sure is things should be better in a month, but whether work wise will be, who knows.

    • Gizfield

      Strength, if you see Cousin It, stare that skank down like the vermin she is. And anybody who defends her. Cause decent, normal people dont defend adultery. Ever. Just sayin.

      • Strengthrequired

        Giz, if,,see her at the shopping centre, I hope it is by running into her with a shopping trolley.

    • Gizfield

      Now you’re talking, SR. you can’t help it if the cart “got away from you”, lol.

    • Gizfield

      I was just sitting in the living room with my family, watching my husband showing our daughter videos on You tube of 70s and 80s songs. We were all giggling and laughing. This is what authentic life is all about. Not sneaking around in the dark like a couple of overgrown teenage cockroaches. Ugh, so fake and self serving. So pretentious. So disgusting.

      • Lovey

        Dear Gizfield

        Your husband is demonstrating mature masculine appreciation for what really matters ….great to hear someone is !!! What a blessing ! I am sure he is also developing a greater appreciation of all that GOD has provided for him to experience in his relationships with you and his family….

        No fantasy can compare to the real deal that must be one reason people caught up buying the lie continue to make the same mistaken choices thinking “IT” must be ‘out there somewhere”!

        “It’s A Wonderful Life” …makes a great point in just this particular.

        Moral choices make a difference in many areas unknown oftentimes …but it is like planting a seed….the crop of either ‘seed’ will come up sooner or later.

        Personally I am glad I don’t have to be totally responsible for the ‘seeds’ my husband has planted in rebellion against any kind of accountability.

        I see that a person who has nothing to hide and wants to rebuild trust will not shun accountability but recognizes how he might become deceived…..

        Relativism tends to shut down and put away such an idea that transparency is of any use or limited transparency especially in the lives of people they ‘don’t want to hurt’ will be denied since in secrecy they tend to become comfortable with their choices.

        People who really are sorry for this will demonstrate an attitude that recognized the need for accountability. In prisons they may put those who are released on parole in a leg apparatus as well as a parole officer to help them stay accountable.

        Knowing they will have to meet with a person face to face and give an account actually is designed to give them a ‘supportive’ motive to begin to change their habits. This also seems to be the way many 12 step programs work.

        In our relationship with Christ we are desiring to grow in those things which are given for us to learn that are useful to avoid sinning …we have an accountability awareness toward our Lord and Savior …we have reminders of His will in the Bible as we read it is useful to convict us of sin we may confess and be delivered from the ‘hook’ of our past habits…or our fleshly propensity to draw us into self deceit…and the body of like minded believer is also another ‘accountability’ as we begin to want to do what is right according to God’s word.

        Rejection of any kind of experience with any group , book, godly arena is part of what people who desire to appear to be ‘good’ but want to be comfortable with their desired ‘sin’ will cover, run from and deny transparency and any accountability …it is pretty much as God speaks of the environment in Roman’s chapter one for one place….and many examples throughout the scriptures of people on both sides of this kind of living …

        Jhn 3:20 For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved.

        Jhn 3:21 But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God

        Thank you for sharing an example of a man who knows where his true treasure lies!

      • Strengthrequired

        Giz, I love those moments too, nothing better than being able to be yourself around your family. Having to hide and lie doesn’t give you those true fun loving moments. If anything you would think it would be such hard work trying to not get caught. How exhausting.

    • Lovey

      Romans 12 has some great counsel….

      Be not wise in your own conceits.

      17 Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.

      18 If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

      19 Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

      20 Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

      21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

    • Gizfield

      Lovey, your story is very sad and disturbing. I truly feel for you. The fact that your husband has treated you and the other woman (not that she didn’t choose it) in such a similar and heinous manner is very telling and shows that he has a serious problem. I read a great book yesterday that might help you. Psychopath Free by “Peace”. $2.99 in the Kindle store. I’m not judging if he is a psycho path, but it’s great reading. I actually think everyone involved in cheating displays a lot of the red flags in the book. A lot of them. The chapter on the Manufactured Soulmate is outstanding. I think everyone could benefit from reading this book.

    • Lovey

      Thank you Gizfield….

      I don’t doubt he has a lot of the characteristics,…and it is interesting how in the Bible these are the same characteristics identified in the Serpent…the god of this world …the ‘father of lies’ who is the Devil!

      When people accept every thought they think as ‘their own;’ they are not filtering it through any kind of ‘measure’ of truth….The natural mind or ‘carnal mind is confronted at the threshold with suggestions from without and urges from the flesh …Fallen man cannot change his state that he is born into this world passed on by Adam BUT with having the new birth he is given salvation …still the mind does not have any change made . It is then instructed for us to CHANGE by way of a transformed mind by ‘putting on the mind of Christ’

      The spirit of God is brought into a person by the ‘incorruptible seed which is the Word of GOD” when we by our will obey this command and begin to consider and think what God says in any situation or about any topic that might come to mind or approach us in situations we are THEN equipped with how to evaluate the truth and goodness of something as compared to what GOD who is truth and love would then show by way of comparison.

      People have a conscience but through ignoring that or having had it ‘trained’ to accept sinful ideas as if they are ‘good’ without any regard for the moral law then they begin to act upon those thoughts …they are usually ‘acceptable’ because they appeal to one”s emotions and urges …appetites without boundaries…

      The damage often does not ‘appear’ to one who has deceived themselves into believing whatever they think or want is ‘good’ ….so it goes on to destroy them as sin has conscequences ..always …and often other people who did not even have anything to do with that person suffer those consequences as well.

      Overlapping consequences of sin tend to acculate and cause larger and broader spread of the painful outcomes of even one person …look at Adam and Eve ….we all can relate.

      The deception is that when someone is being deceived , if they do not have any way to measure what they think , hear or see and how God reveals it to be according to life or death they will not realize that they are deceived. Many people have bought into doing whatever they want or feel like because they believe it will make them happy or feel better…This has always been the way that temptation takes us farther into the deception.

      When the “light ‘ of truth exposes the glitches that sin has within it …people who are wise will deny those thoughts and actions and choose to go the way that will avoid more destruction.

      People who sin willfully with the knowledge of this have seared their conscience …the process takes them through a period of strenuous self deceit called justification, minimizing , rationalization.

      During a person’s upbringing if they are not taught what God tells us will help us avoid acting upon sinful thoughts and ideas the culture will load up their minds . Parents are told to love their children by training them in character and conscience by way of the things GOD has for us to learn for OUR GOOD.

      Part of the deceit in the garden of Eden was aimed at Eve beginning to consider that God was somehow not good and generous which we may observe in her thoughts and words recorded in Genesis….When asked if GOD said they should not eat of the trees in the garden her mental processes did not recall exactly what GOD had said …she deleted the word “freely’ ,, added the word “touch’ and then softened the truth by way of saying ‘lest’ we die”

      All this demonstrates the downward view of GOD that she began to see Him as withholding something good . If we go back a chapter we see that GOD made ALL the trees in the garden GOOD For food and pleasant to the eyes …and he already made them ‘as god’s as they had freedom to choose.

      It was a lose -lose proposition but failing to keep the truth of what GOD did say and keep her observation in a state of thankfulness for all that she had …she fell and Adam who was WITH her disobeyed the command that GOD had given him face to face…HE had NO excuse as far as not knowing or remembering.

      My point in bringing this up is that all of what we see in the process of how people CHOOSE to do sin is evident that it begins with the thought and if it is not opposed by a moral truth and it appeals to the fleshly desires meant to actually draw a man to his wife in a closer way it will then draw him away …if he is not aware of or cares about how his design works to pull his attention and affection toward whatever is presented to him

      My husband knew a lot of this but ignored the command to ‘be renewed in the spirit of your mind’ in study and thinking what GOD tells us will keep us from falling for deceitful thoughts. It also takes SOME time to become fortified with truth because of how much is assaulting our minds through this world , media and various other things.

      Be not conformed to this world but be ye TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your mind .

      So many people desire to be ‘unique’ and to be non conformists in their society …I think following Jesus Christ is about as ‘non conformist’ as you can get but it is NOT DESTRUCTIVE as some forms of ‘fitting in’ are and it blesses …but deception is on the increase as people today have cast off the faith …and run to take part in anything they think will ‘scratch their itch’ and it actually darkens their minds ability to hear or see truth.

      Thank you for the book recommend I will go take a look!

      I just talked with my husband …what I recorded is just what we deal with when someone has rejected the truth …they simply cannot hear or see it , I think that is why prayer is such a powerful tool because once someone has closed the door deliberately upon the truth they will fall into a deeper grip of the principalities and powers of this world …and it is a LONG WAY DOWN…..but Jesus Christ is merciful and has been patient and long suffering for any who will turn and come to Him.

      Jhn 6:47 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life.

      This situation we go through with a betraying spouse is very hurtful …the truth of our situation is that the closer we are and the more we have loved and given , with open heart to our spouse the more it has the capacity to hurt us deeply.

      Trust broken must be mended by a decision on the part of the CS to be willing to become accountable to someone who they will trust to be honest and who also knows the godly standard…not to become a controller …the point of accountability is that we all are in truth accountable to GOD and when we realize how that is good for us we will take the opportunity to heed wisdom which GOD wants us to know for our protection!

      Pride, arrogance and selfishness lead away from accountability and deny there is anyone who has anything that would be useful …they seek to hide ..thus building trust is not on their agenda..

      My husband has never been a man who was raised to honor anyone but his own will . His parents even told me that they did not feel anyone had any right to tell anyone else about God ….GOD tells us but they did not believe Him…now I see I should have paid more attention to the way his parents impacted his thinking . I believed my husband’s words and actions and character but all that changed quickly after he found more ‘interesting ‘ things than GOD and me and family.

      Now he says that he has sinned to much…another excuse …it is a lie… because Jesus paid for the sins of the world and all who believe in Him as their Lord and Savior and believe GOd raised him from the dead have all their sin paid for in full.

      The difference is one is standing ….as a saved person and then the other is fellowship we live and walk ..learning , growing in understanding …

      A baby is born into a family …we don’t expect that child to instantly walk …he has to learn , grow and be corrected to mature.

      A new believe must not get discouraged or talked out of his standing with God as a saved , son of GOD …but must continue to lean and grow and if he sins ask for GOD to forgive and cleanse him ….it is a WALK.

      My husband decided it was too much ‘work’ to simply deny his lust…and he went after an independent life …

      God calls us to dependence upon Him and in marriage to be INTERdependent as we walk …”watching each other’s back’;

      Instant gratification and successes in the world were more entertaining and more glorifying for my husband and he got deceived .

      So many things we have not been taught and so many things we have been led to think have led many people to seek pleasure at any ‘cost’ because they do not regard what they ‘lose’ as anything of value .

      In adultery that is just what happens…they are like the dog in the fable crossing the river…seeing his reflection of himself holding a bone in his mouth , he opens his mouth to get the ‘other bone too’ and drops the one he has ….loses all ….

      This is the case with sin …we are tempted to go for the phantom and miss out on the real deal.

      My husband is still chasing not other women but chasing the ‘life he always wanted ” which was to be independent and self serving ….and he still wants what is best for his children both ours and the ones from adultery ..He fails to see that his choices are indeed ‘teaching ‘ those children and if he will not change , he will have to deal with what those other children do from his example.

      So far he has not intention to give them the life that is everlasting but continues to do things on his schedule and on his terms that suit himself ….I pray for them because the girl told him that she hates Christians …an echo from her mom.

      This is the ‘fruit’ of these two people who deny the God who loved them enough to ask His Son to sacrifice his life to pay the debt we could not pay.

      I’m going on with Jesus …too long down the road to deny Him for a pittance in this life….I pray my husband and those kids and even that OW will have a change of heart soon, not because I am so ‘good’ for there is ‘none good …but GOD ‘ yet I want to be obedient even through the pain of this whole mess.

      I am thankful for the prayers of those who love the Lord Jesus Christ as I need them every day ….

      Hugs to you for your caring heart.

    • Lovey

      You bring up a good point “Strengthrequiired”….

      Adultery breaks all ten commandments and it also puts a great deal of sress upon a human being …whether they realize and recognize it or not….many who indulge in adultery do so with the help of alcohol or drugs to help dull the conscience..Even the DMV states that only ONE drink alters one’s conscience….

      Lying takes a great deal of ‘stress’ some experience it as part of the ‘thrill’ but it is a ‘negative’ effect upon the systems of the body as well as spiritual bondage to more and more captivity.

      2 Ti 2:26 And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will.

      When some people hear of the stealth and ‘success” of my husband ‘pulling off’ such a lengthy deceit they have a tone of admiration to some degree!

      Mostly men …but I believe they must be joking…NO CRIME is worthy of admiration and in addition it is very destructive for a person to live responsive to satan’s working through temptations to entangle them. Exhausting is only one aspect…and often times the destruction works silently within them …in all aspects…sin is like a ‘leavening ‘ death…it is never without consequences greater than the ‘pleasure’

      Without seeking repentance , a change of mind about sin and need for redemption through Jesus Christ there is a DOOM awaiting that GOD does not people to perish …but it is up to a person to change their mind ….

      It is a bit astonishing that even with being discovered some people are so blinded by the spiritual darkness that surrounds this deeply manipulative sin…it is deceit at it’s greatest strength to darken the mind to what is right and true.

      May God continue to bring offerings of repentance and deliverance across these souls path and work out softening their hearts to heed the warnings of the consequences as they begin to surface!

      It really is foolish to admire such ‘excellence’ in deceitful behavior!

      Pro 23:17 Let not thine heart envy sinners: but be thou in the fear of the LORD all the day long.

      We live in a time when sin is glorified and those who do it are celebrated…..

      Sign of the times?

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