When on the emotional roller coaster that comes with infidelity, one can do some crazy things.  Not necessarily crazy bad – like firing a gun at the cheater – but more like crazy stupid or perhaps even crazy funny.

So let’s try and lighten things up just a bit this week and take a few minutes to share some of those crazy things you’ve done after the affair.

This certainly isn’t an attempt to make light of a very serious situation.  If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time we think you know that is not our style,  but sometimes a little humor can help an otherwise depressing and painful experience – if only for a short time.

Here are some of the things we’ve picked up from comments and/or emails as examples:

  • Leaving the water running for hours while in another room in the home
  • Leaving the car door open while shopping in a store
  • Slamming the cheater’s laptop on the driveway
  • Throwing the cheater’s clothes out in the front yard
  • Cutting the crotch out of every pair of a cheating husband’s pants
  • Super sleuth spying and detective work
  • Forgetting to pay bills

…Just to name a few


What are some of the crazy things that you have done after the affair?

Is there anything that you did that you can now look back at and chuckle?

That’s it.

Please respond to each other in the comment section.

Thanks, and take care!

Linda & Doug

See also  Discussion – Your Affair Recovery Activities

    50 replies to "Discussion – Acting Crazy After the Affair"

    • chiffchaff

      I made cuts in all my H’s best shirts that he’d bought during the PA (as he’d become very vain about them). I find this funny now because I really wanted to do something much more personal, like cutting the toes off all of his socks, but didn’t because I thought it would be mean.
      Mean – after what he did?! What was I thinking?

    • stillbroken

      i hold a kitchen knife and swing it once to him when i found out he’s still lying to me 🙂 not that funny though

    • E

      I forgot to pay bills and my life was basically a dis-organized mess but the only thing that I really did intentionally was not clean the house. Other than keeping the kitchen clean and doing enough laundry to get by, I did nothing. It was very apparent to me that my H wanted our house and that OW would be joining him. Hell if I was going to make her feel welcome! 😉

      • Notoverit

        I don’t do laundry for him any more. And I don’t cook unless it’s something I want to eat. I remember still cooking a week or so after D-day, getting mad and taking the entire pot roast and throwing it in the garbage, Corning Ware dish and all ( I don’t do dishes any more either). I have to say, it was liberating and he got the point – I don’t work here.

    • C.

      After my husband kicked me out of the house, he emptied my bedroom closet and dresser drawers, and took a picture of the empty spaces to send to me on my cell phone.

      And after a fight at home later on, I was afraid he was going to delete every single picture of us together, so I backed them all up onto our external hard drive and then took the hard drive with me when I went to stay at a hotel that night.

      Oh, and he locked himself in the bathroom to get away from me during one fight, and I banged on the door so hard that it broke and wouldn’t UN-lock, so I had to pass him some twine under the bathroom door that he then hung out the window so I could go outside, and tie the twine to a bag of tools (screwdrivers, etc) so he could pull them in and take the door apart from the inside and get back into the house. That door still doesn’t close properly anymore.

      We’re a little over a year past D-day and still hanging in…

      • Notoverit

        On D-day, I kicked the door of my H’s study trying to break it. All I succeeded in doing was hurting my foot. He still is amazed at how I attacked that door. Poor thing, it hadn’t done anything but it paid in my H’s place. It is still a source of wonderment to him that I got so angry as to try to kill a door, which was open and not locked – why I went after the door, who knows? I wasn’t thinking clearly. Pretty funny now, not then.

    • mamak

      I purged the house. I threw out a futon that he slept on for a while after D-day when he was still seeing his affair partner and not in love with me. I threw out clothes I knew he wore (or I wore) during hard conversations or on certain nights. I threw anything he had ever gotten from work, in case it had been from her. I packed up every picture of the two of us from the house, packed up every item that had any significant memory of happy times in my marriage….my house was so empty!

    • SucksHard

      Hit my husband. Never hit anybody, and I hit my husband, I was so angry and hurt.

      Screamed louder and with more desperation than I thought possible.

      Lost track of all my bills, which never happened.

      Couldn’t do basic work.

      Stopped eating, semi-intentionally and lost too much weight.

    • norrine fay

      I cleaned the toilet with my partner’s bath sponge and toothbrush. Also cleaned the carpet with his toothbrush. Stopped doing housework and refused to give him money for bills after I found out he lied about still seeing the Ow and was planning a holiday with her. Not proud of myself but was so angry with all the continued deceit.

      • Doug


    • D

      I removed all pictures of myself from the house for some reason, ripped up all the lingerie I had purchased for her (ok, for us), ripped up every single card, letter, etc we had sent to one another since we met (and still don’t regret it as it seemed crucial to my letting go and moving on), threw some things, broke some things, said FU to her face, which I’ve never felt the need to do to anyone before in my life, AND went to the OM’s office in the middle of the night and carved a massive A on his window (which I later felt bad about and, since it was a public building, I offered to pay to replace. But at least I know that it’s now MY window).

    • Husker

      I’m self employed and for a while did no more than necessary. I stopped billing my customers except for a couple big accounts that were just enough to pay the business expenses. Part of it was because I simply couldn’t focus. The other part was that I thought if she was going to leave, the money owed would be “money in the bank” that I could then invoice and get once she was gone.

      It has cost me a few customers because since they were not getting billed, some thought I had gone out of business (even though the service was still being provided). A few others realized that they could walk away and stick me with the back balance that was owed.

    • roller coaster rider

      The crazy thing I did was to take H back after a 2 week separation, believed he had really stopped thinking about the OW even though he would randomly say, “I don’t know if I can do this.” It seems crazy to me now that I thought wild, frequent sex would bring me security, and that I let fear rule my decisions. The sane thing I did was to walk out after D-Day #2 and file for divorce. The wild and wacky thing is that we are now dating, but things are very, very different and will continue to be. I am a much happier and more grounded person than I’ve ever been before, and thanks to the affair, we are both doing some serious work in counseling and laying a foundation for a possible future together.

      • Doug

        RCR, I’m so happy that things are moving in a positive direction for you. I hope that things work out for the best.

      • E

        That is so exciting to hear RCR. Your courage is inspiring!

    • Notoverit

      Like I said somewhere else on this blog – I texted my H one morning after D-day. He did not answer even though I had found the RESEND button and resent the message at least fifteen times (obsessive much?). When he still did not answer me, I went online to our phone provider and turned off his cell phone then changed the password to the account so he could not turn the phone back on. About fifteen minutes after doing this I got an irate phone call from him about turning off the phone. I laughed and told him I’d turn it back on when he answered my question. It took him the rest of the day before he gave in – can’t LIVE without that darn phone!

      I am also guilty of cutting up every scrub suit he owned because he worked with the OW and this was what he wore. I also took his cell phone on D-day and smashed it into itty bitty pieces (smart phone – pretty expensive but it was worth it).

      I am not ashamed of what I have done. For years I never said a word about anything. It seemed all those years of being a doormat bubbled up out of me in the form of destruction. This was a side of me that I had never known existed – I simply did not break things. Alas, any object that offended me paid the ultimate price.

      • ifeelsodumb

        I LOVE it!!! LOL!! I think he got the message, Notoverit…DON’T mess with you!

    • ifeelsodumb

      I didn’t really do anything to my H, other than demand no contact and for him to close out his FB acct….but about 6 mos after DDay I signed my H back up to Facebook, I was in control of it, he doesn’t even know the password….I knew the OW and his 2 family members who helped facilitate the EA are FB addicts and would check out “his” page often.
      So they get to see A LOT of happy family times, pics of him and I on romantic weekend get-a-ways, running in 5k’s, celebrating fantastic surprise birthday parties, like the one I had for my H, etc…..and they get to read all the sweet, loving comments from our friends and family..and I KNOW that it will drive them bonkers because they are VERY unhappy in their own marriages!
      It might seem like a trivial thing and I guess it is….but it makes me SMILE to think that they are grinding their teeth because we ARE happy again..and it’s my own sweet revenge, since I just recently found out that they ARE looking at my H’s FB page…and it bothers them that we are so happy! Kinda sick, I know…but these are the people we’ve had to deal with, and thank goodness my H’s eyes are FINALLY open and he can see just how they really are!

    • Still struggling

      I took the underwear he had bought during EA and ripped them all up and threw them out. Never trust a man who buys his own underwear. Lol. This was actually pretty tame for as crazy as I was thinking. Shoulda ripped him up and threw him out. Maybe he would be more willing to work on his introspection. His thoughts to this day are ignore it and it will work out in the end. Lol. Little does he know, that someone always has to work it out for him to make it better.

    • Survivor

      On D-Day, I was so devastated that I lost it. He was out at a work function with HER when I discovered their emails he’d accidentally left pulled up on his in-home office computer. I am so grateful our kids were at my parents’ house because I was livid and brokenhearted and basically psycho all at the same time. I am a very quiet and extremely non-violent person and I am still shocked at how crazy I was. I don’t know why, but I immediately started blasting music and got straight to work. I opened the 2nd story home office window and threw every piece of clothing he owned out onto the driveway. I took scissors and cut every shoe lace to every pair of shoes and threw them and all his socks and underwear out on top of the huge mountain of clothes. I then remembered his most prized possession, his Harley Davidson. I went to the garage and saw his spotless, pristine, extremely expensive favorite toy. I slashed both tires and found a hammer. As much as I hated to destroy that beautiful piece of machinery, I butchered every inch of that hog.

      • Truly Sorry

        Survivor, you should feel great after the motorcycle incident. His ‘most prized possession’ should have been you. His loss. My wife never physically assaulted me or anything in the house but I know she wanted to. My porsche (which was my prized possession) could very easily have ended up like the Harley, but didn’t. It’s gone now, but was a stupid trigger the entire time it sat in the driveway from D-Day to being sold. It represented everything I hated about the person I had become who could cheat on my wife. We have talked/joked that she had every opportunity to hold a pillow over my face during the night. Believe it or not some days I wish she had. To everyone who has posted on this thread, no physical item can ever replace what love & trust mean in a marriage. I was truly a fool as are all the cheaters here.

    • Alejandra

      The most crazy thing that I did was to somehow jump on him and started hitting him while he was sleeping, I have never been a fighter but that night my anger got to me, and now it is truly funny to me because how could I have done that, I’m not that type of person, and well the most funny part of it is that he got so scared, he said that he thought I was possessed .

      • sharkgirl

        Reading some of these I thought I never did anything, still now sometimes I just want to hit him and hit him until we both cry, I have thi

    • kelly

      I did the whole facebook thing. He was done with it, so after I made him give me his password, I would get on his and leave sweet wonderful comments on my own page and make them public so the OW would see them. I even dedicated the mushiest songs out there to myself from his page. Even my own friends though it was over board. My thought was, I wanted her to see it and hurt as bad as I was hurting. Now thankfully, he gets once in a while and leaves his own mushy sweet comments for me 🙂

      Right after D-Day I had found her earnings he had stashed in a back drawer. When I saw my friends, I put them on a table and we all sat around them trying to figure out some appropriately horrible to do to them. I ended up posting a profile picture of me wearing them on Facebook. She never did message me for them back….huh.

    • Paula

      I had a meltdown one day out the back of the farm, and slapped him so hard, and took a big chunk out of the back of his neck with my nails. I then hopped on the quadbike, and actually tried to run him over!!! Bloody hell, who was that mad woman? He just took it, and hugged me and said, do it again if it makes you feel better, I deserve all of that, and more. Sad times, but I guess you gotta get it out!

    • Fist Timer

      I just couldnt pass this up with out posting, I have been reading this blog for awhile and this is the first time I wanted to post a comment!!
      Well after so much crap from him and the other women, I finally had enough.. I found the cell she gave him and I smashed it, i chased them down when I seen them together, I did so many things basically like you all have did. But the most crazy thing I did, well two, was he had moved out and I just knew he would see her, and that just finally sent me over board.. I was laying down one nite of course I couldnt sleep, and I just couldnt stop thinking about everything I had been put threw, the lies the lies the lies and the hurt…. I got up 3 a.m. in the morning drove around and then went to the bank and withdrew every dollar that was in there, headed straight for a shopping spree i was going to look fabulous lol.. needless to say even thou I went a little nuts with his money, i knew he would make a bee line to me to see what happened to the account.. well he did, and i left nothing for him in it, no gas money, luch money, bill money nothing i drained it.. when he showed up, i told him that it was mine just like it was his, and no way was his wh*** going to get a dime of it… and he keep telling me there was no money for gas to get back to work or for him to even eat.. I looked him straight in the eyes and said NOT MY PROBLEM, he was mad, he kept telling me that if he has no gas how can he keep his job, NOT MY PROBLEM, after awhile of this, I looked at him and said, HOW DOES IT FEEL WHEN THE ONE PERSON IN THE WORLD THAT SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU AND MAKE YOUR NEEDS A PRIORTY, LOOKS AT YOU AND SAYS NOT THERE PROBLEM..IV NEVER TRIED TO HURT YOU, I NEVER RIPPED YOUR HEART OUT, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT IS TO WORRY YOURSELF SICK FEELING AS IF YOUR WORLD HAS BEEN RIPPED AWAY, BECAUSE SOMEONE YOU LOVE, YOU GAVE YOUR HEART AND SOUL TO, AND TO HAVE THEM NOT CARE ABOUT YOU, WELL NOW YOU DO.. I TOOK FROM YOU LIKE YOU DID ME.. HOWS IT FEEL NOW YOU HAVE NOTHING JUST LIKE ME… HURTS DOESNT IT.. then I text the ow and told her he was at my house if she wants him, then fine just control him and keep him away from me. everytime he came near me I would text her.. his here, can you not control your man, he keep showing up were I am trying to talk.. his your problem not mine.. wow that felt good.. then with all the new stuff i bought, i was a dressed up and one nite he shows up, the same old thing, i had a bag packed and he said you going somwere i said yes.. he said were looking like that, i said none of your buisness, and i text so and so and she knows your here, maybe you should go.. well he was mad i left right behind him, and he really thout I was going somwhere he text me all night,, all i really did was drive around and then parked behind my house so he would think i never came home.. lol.. it drove him crazy he just couldnt stop texting me all night, needless to say I bet ow didnt have a good night he was to worried about finding out where or who i was with for the night… he still thinks i did.. i tell him i did nothing wrong, just like you say you did nothing wrong, so you know what you did and you say it was harmless so I did the same as you, then mine was harmless to.. you can see his wheels turning in his head..lol…. he did wrong and he knows it, so my just repeating his words back to him about my “NITE” out is sending so many images to his head, if he brings it up, I say is that what you did? He says NO, then why think I did? I didnt nothing wrong, just like you…. PRICELESS…. sorry its long folks but just couldnt help to post this..

    • kikky

      Well i ripped every pair of underwear that my husband had, and soaked them in javex so OW would see what kind of man she was with. I soaked his Apple phone in water and broke it. I threw away every adapter for his phone that he bought so he couldn’t charge his phone at all. I ripped sweaters, t-shirts and threw them away so he didn’t have any clothes. Now that I look back at it, i did some crazy things and actually can laugh at them.
      I did a few more things that maybe i am not proud of but can laugh at them and feel better.
      I would love to share this one though, my H brought home keys that were OW’s well i got them off of the keychain and threw them down the sewer grade outside of our house so he didn’t have keys to get into her house. I smashed her electric car starter also..it felt so good.

    • movingon

      Well I don’t know if this is considered crazy or mean, but hey it made me feel better and the two women my spouse had a EA with didn’t really care about being mean to me, so hear goes. I entered them both into two of the cheaters databases on-line using pictures they had sent my spouse. One of the women had sent him nude pics so of course I had to crop it some but still, if they google their name, there it is!
      As far as crazy thing I did to my spouse, it was just the other day about four four months after Dday 2 I just lost it and hit his chest (not as hard as I wanted to) and told him I hated him for what he did to us, cried screamed, carried on for about five minutes then calmly looked at him and asked him to drop of some baked goods for our childs girl scout bake sale. Then I crawled back into bed and slept the morning away.

    • JH19

      On D-Day (I was notified by the OW’s fiance) we both left work and went to his parents house to “talk” because they were out of town and we didn’t want to the kids to know what was going on. He begged for forgiveness but continued lying , not realizing the OW’s fiance was forwarding their emails to me one by one. When he realized he was caught, he gave me the password to his secret email account and let me read everything. He went outside and left me alone to absorb all of the awful content. I flew into such a rage after reading all the emails that I went outside and threw my wedding rings, right in front of my husband, into the canal off his parents dock. It’s been almost a year and they are irretrievable. I still regret it but at the time, they seemed meaningless.

    • Sam

      Not sure if this is considered crazy. I’m a runner, and usually do about 5-6 miles daily. After I found out about the EA, there were days when I lost track of time and I would run 9-12 miles, non-stop, right in the middle of the summer and at high noon. I ended up exhausted and sunburnt.

      I ate the candy in the aisles at CVS while crying hysterically. The clerks were too nice (or too scared!) to come to me and say anything. I did pay for everything I ate, though.

      My house is quite messy since the EA came to light. I used to be a neat freak, but I find that I really don’t care anymore. I don’t cook as often as I used to, either. I just don’t feel it.

      Ah. I hope to look back someday and find the humor in this.

    • Holding On

      Thanks for the laughs. Sometimes it is so much better to laugh than cry or scream.

      But of course, I also feel the pain, hurt, anger, and rage from all of these. So sad. I felt very similar things – the screaming, ranting, physically acting out…but nothing too funny. Darn.

      I laughed out loud about eating candy at CVS while crying and asking your husband to drop off the baked goods. But I also feel everyones hurt…not to discount.

      Thanks for sharing and lightening my heart a bit.

    • movinon

      After finding a single text the week before, and stil not knowing what I was dealing with, (I was clueless about sextexting and emotional affairs). I went to see my husband.
      He was working out of town and I went up to visit him.
      I told him before I came that I wanted to trade laptops with him. I admitted I wanted to look at the laptop activity.
      He said NP! He was stil under the notion he would talk his way out of all of this and I would not discover the affair. When I got there we had a good weekend and he was charming and loving as ever
      When was getting ready to leave on Sunday night, I was packing and said, okay I am leving this other laptop for you and taking this one.
      Ha! He thought he had charmed me out of that move. He said no and could not say why and, well soon a tug of war began and it got pretty heated. He was pretty angry. I was in shock that this happening and it occured to me we had more problems than I was perhaps ready for. So I became more determined. At some point, the laptop fell on the floor and flipped open.
      He was aghast it may have been broken and that really hit a nerve for me. Here we were in this marriage crisis and playing tug of war! I was wearing boots since it was winter and I was preparing to leave. I reacted to the insanity.
      I stomped the laptop screen with my boot and heard him cry with againy and disbelief. So I kept stomping and he kept yelling! Every key flew off, I destroyed that latop while my husband looked on in horror.
      Then I was so pumped up I picked the laptop up and threw it off the 3rd floor balcony of his apartment into the snowcovered woods below. He let out a moan. He could not believe it. He ran out the door to go get it. While he was down there I got his attention and then threw his blackberry as far as I could trying to hit the river. He watched and let out gasps of horror and sounded like he was about to cry.
      While he was down in the snowy woods looking for his laptop and retrieving his blackberry, I got my stuff and drove away. I was so upst though I could not make the drive home and pulled over @ the first exit and rented a room.
      We met and talked the next morning before I headed home. The first of many heartfelt long discussions.
      My hubby told me that when I had left the night before, the door automaticaly locked and my husband did not have his apartment key. He had to call the super to make a special trip late on a Sunday night to come and let him back in. He was not dressed for the weather and had to wait over an hour outside in the cold. He said he realized then what a low he had sunk to. 🙂 A wake up call for both of us!

    • One Year In

      I took the silk boxers I HAD BOUGHT HIM that he had worn during his two days with her, put them in the wash tub we use to bathe the dog, poured cooking oil on them, and set them a blaze. When he seemed amazed that I would do such a thing I told him he should be glad he wasn’t in them.

    • Laura

      Well, one of the crazy-funny things I did,was to literally kick him out of my house. He had come to pick up some of his tools,his cousin was outside waiting in his car.Husband was in the kitchen, I pushed him twice,on his way out towards kitchen door,then he stopped at the door, and he said to me not to push him again, because his cousin was outside and did not want him to see my pushing him out of the house. Oh, he shouldnt have said that to me. I was so mad, once he stepped out the kitchen door, I gave him 2 kicks in the ass,told him to keep out and stay out,then slammed the door. Afterwards,I started crying ,but it felt GOOD. Now looking back, I think its funny, you should have seen the look on his face,after I kicked him,he must have felt embarrased and stupid,because his cousin saw the whole thing. I guess most of us have done some crazy things to our cheating spouses,some of the things we have done,we may not be proud of doing, but at the time of anger and hurt, they seemed right and they felt good. DO YOU AGREE?

      • ifeelsodumb

        ROFLOL!!!! I totally agree!! And I have to tell you…the thought of you actually KICKING him out of the house…LOL…that makes ME laugh!!

    • Kris

      I physically lashed out at my husband and tried to smash his head in with the clock on his nightstand. I pulled it out of the wall. I wasn’t even planning to do this. I was in shock. I had just found the letter from the OP and waved it in his face. His smug look caused me to lose it. Next thing you knew I was trying to beat his head in with his alarm clock. Then it slipped out my hand and I caught it midway down by the cord. I used the end of the cord next. He was trying to get away from me the entire time and ran into his closet. I pulled a drawer out of the dresser and tried to beat his head in with that. He went running out the room and down the stairs with me chasing behind him. I grabbed his collar and we fell down the stairs. Tumble tumble tumble. Down down down. It’s a wonder we both didn’t break our necks. That would have been a nice thing for my kids to come home to after school. NOT!

      He ran out the house with no shoes on, grabbed his keys and peeled out the driveway. This doesn’t sound funny now as I type it but it is to us both now. I mean I literally lost it and my husband is a big guy, 6’5″ but he said he was scared! Really scared what I would do if he didn’t get out the house. When he drove off I was bouncing around the house like a boxer shaking my hands – I had so much adrenaline in me I could not sit down for 2 hours.

      Looking back, I’m glad we don’t have firearms in the house. I see how some people really do SNAP and lose all good sense.

    • Kris

      Oh one more thing. I typed up a long letter to the OP – I almost hit send. I *wanted* to hit send but I’m glad now I didn’t. I used to stalk her facebook page too collecting names of her friends. My plan was to send that email to them too but I’m glad my mom talked me out of that move!!!

    • Tryingtounderstand

      kris that was hilarious i cant help but cry and laugh at the same time. I also did my share of crazy stuff. Several times i locked him out of the house and also locked him in the house. And although my Husband is a huge man that din’t bother me at the time..there is a day i locked us both in and we had a fight..i tore up the shirt he was wearing and it was in tatters..then i tore up a suitcase he had locked his documents in ..he said that i wanted to kill him. I stopped serving him food and drinks ..he didn’t even complain he would humbly go to the Kitchen and serve himself and return the dishes..that was soooo unlike him it made me happy.

    • Dave

      When I found out about my wife’s affair, I smashed her phone. (As soon as she got her replacement, I broke it too.) I also punched a hole through the drywall in the spare bedroom and got blackout drunk and Facebook messaged all of our friends and family. Using horrible language, I told them all what she had done. I am not proud of any of it! The worst part is that I went online as her, looked up the other man, and started chatting it up – as her.

      This was probably the dumbest thing I ever did because I learn things about the affair that I can never unlearn. He eventually scanned and sent copies of the pictures and letters that they took together and that she wrote him. It was far worse than I ever imagined. Their’s was an emotional affair that turned into a full-blown sexual affair.

    • Disappointed

      I have not done anything crazy. I just feel like I am going crazy. Feel like I have PTSD. The OW was someone I considered a friend. Now at 4 months everything is a trigger. The last time I saw her was in our home pretending there was nothing inappropriate. Every time I look at our loft I can see her there. At our favorite restaurant where she joined us for celebrations. At our place of business. At a nearby restaurant. She was not a stranger, but a part of our lives. And if I think of those things, my H must also. I don’t know how to get her out of my head… Or his heart…

    • Dave

      I feel the same “Disappointed”. I’m only two months out and the obsessive thoughts are very powerful. I’ve actually been seeing a therapist (once per week) and a psychologist (once per month). I really hate the idea of turning to medications, but my psychologist prescribed me a medication that helps with OCD-like symptoms. I just started it, so there is benefit yet, but he claims it will help reduce the OCD / PTSD-like flashes that persistently occupy my head. (Please don’t take it that I’m advocating medication.)

    • Paula

      Disappointed and Dave, you ARE suffering from PTSD (I didn’t know that I knew wht that acronym was when I first visited here!) It is ALL NORMAL, the feelings you are feeling. It’s a funny (not funny haha!) thing, but I think all of us who want to retrieve our marriages from the jaws of this beast, think that after a couple of months of pain, things will fade, and we will somehow slot back into our old lives, a bit bashed and battered, a little wary, but it won’t take too long. Sadly, it does take TIME, and work. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was actually pretty good the first 5-6 months, REALLY gutted, REALLY disappointed, REALLY in shock, but prepared to face it, talk about it, find out “what went wrong,” etc. I fell in a gaping hole after that. It has been a real battle for sanity, let alone happiness, for an awful lot of the following years, but I’m winning!! (Defeat is not an option!) I, like you, Dave was NOT keen on meds. We underwent some couples counselling, felt better, stopped seeing counsellor, I got worse, ended up suicidal, went to a shrink, felt better, stopped seeing shrink, slowly deteriorated, rang same shrink, she sent me to psychiatrist, ended up on meds (he was great, we fiddled around with dose rates, tried three different families of meds, no help for me, unfortunately, I just got fatter quickly!) I weaned myself off them. Eventually I researched another psychologist, and saw him for about 3-4 sessions when he said to me, you’re not mentally ill, Paula, your partner is not doing anything to make you feel safe (there are issues from my past that this whole sorry story has stirred up, which has made me even more reactive to this betrayal than many.) This shrink recommended we go to another type of couples counsellor, with a different method, who this psychologist recommended as the best in our country in this field. He lives three hours from us (and costs a King’s ransom!!) We’ve been going for a while, and it’s the first time my OH has really looked really deep down inside himself to see how the heck he ended up in this position. It has helped, I don’t even want to think of the money and time we have thrown at this! Whatever happens, and we’ve been living together for 24 years, 3 kids, and this mess for two years and nine months, we will both come out of this better people, we still love each other, we have had about 8 months of separation during this, on three separate occasions, but we still treat each other with love and respect, and are still each other’s best mates. It will be okay, but we will never be the same again, some parts of that are very negative, but some parts are also positive, with great personal growth, I am damaged, but that damage has allowed for growth in different directions, in a different shape, I will lead a more interesting and more fulfilling life, because I have to 🙂 My so-called friend (the OW) will not crush my spirit, her selfishness (and his, most importantly!) makes me all the more determined to succeed and live a life full of purpose! All my best wishes to you both, hang in there, you’re worth it

    • Sharon

      He thinks I am crazy and maybe I am, he only knows the 1/2 of it. First of all, we didn’t get along for a long while so something needed to happen, I just didn’t expect it would be an affair with a 20 year old ex-student. He’s 55. In the past I had had that girl over to my house, gave her a birthday present, fed her, took care of her when she was upset with her parents…she was 17 then and now 21 and he said she is an entirely different person now and growing up 3 years makes her a “grown up”. She has a poor home life – mother bi-polar, doesn’t know father. Lots of details.
      Well I had her phone number still and email address. I screamed and cried and threw giant fits, threatened to call the school (though 21 Is really “legal”) threatend to call her family. I threw things and broke things and one was a box he made and really cherished I didn’t really know how much but I beat it to toothpicks with a giant hammer, I put fish oil on his motorcycle seats and a good pour into his racing leathers and helmet – won’t know about until it gets hot for racing season… I screamed at them some more and emailed every vile thing about them both that I could come up with. They just took it. Why that girl didin’t hang up the phone I don’t know. That’s what the off button is for, right? I even sent a picture he took of his own penis to her. Told her really nasty things. It’s been 6 months, they’ve had a wonderful time while I have suffered greatly. He comes over and talks to me, wants to pet our dogs & cats, wants me to “be friends” (who’s crazy?) I’m better after these 6 months but it still comes up, the anger disappointment and rage. Though I don’t break things anymore and I have finally figured out how to pay my bills on time (lost it there for a while), I finally got my house clean, (enough) still working on piles made during the moving out, and I’m starting to actually get some things accomplished at work for a change. Since I see him so much (daily almost) and he wants us to go to couples counseling though he didin’t really “break up” with her yet – wants to avoid the confrontation results. Wants to let her down slowly because A) he wants to avoid any drama B) wants to leave her with a “good experience”, C) She says she’s in love with him and he is emotionally attached himself. D) though he doesn’t think there’s anything “wrong with it” he is sensitive to the age gap and knows it’s at least “odd” and that she is young and has life ahead of her she needs to go live.
      On one hand I do want to go to couples counseling, I do want to get a good relationship started without having to go out and find someone else, I do want/need someone to help me with the house (big burden-not finished/too expensive, needs extensive work still) Then, how do I trust a new one man either if this is what they do? however, I don’t really want to get back to get back together, on the other maybe more to make a point of how much he hurt me, while he just went out to have a good time. Oh yeah, technically I kicked him out first, but I kicked him out over this girl & their level of contact (daily all day long). He wasn’t out even in a new place for a week or so (went out to the travel trailer in the back yard.) and started up the sexual part. I didn’t know until a month later when I found a receipt for condoms. That’s when the real fire storm” started from me. All of my friends hate him, I haven’t told the school (yet) as I know if he loses his job he will burn my house down. I almost don’t care, but I better think of upping my insurance I guess.
      SO, now I have asked him to hurry up and get the rest of his sh** out from everywhere. I said if we had no contact until the end of school, I would be willing to go to a counselor, I really don’t have much if any intention of reconciling, I just want him to know how bad it has sucked for me and what a train wreck he caused at my expense. I still might just tell the school, I guess I am vindictive and horrible. Oh yeah, I put, wet dog poop in the back of his van, I’m not sure if he thinks it was me or not. I knocked a trash can into her car even though she hides it on a side street – oh yeah, he moved just up the street and around the corner so he could conveniently for him, continue to walk to work – right by my house.
      Now he says he’s “breaking up” with her so he can go to counseling (for himself) and is slowly letting her down. Well iIn my opinion, if they both think she’s “old enough” to go after someone’s partner, and he her, they should be old enough to take the fall out.
      I still cry my eyes out sometimes. Everyone say’s let it go, move on, blah blah, but I’m mean I guess and even to myself since I still have ANY connection, I have asked him on numerous occasions to get his shIt and leave me alone. But he won’t he want to get back together if we can work it out, however he still kind of has her in his back pocket in case we don’t work out.
      I’m still sad and furious that he just won’t understand the way it feels and he just had a good time – and with a 20 year old (body) I’m 52 and I can’t ever be the same, even though I am attractive for my age, healthy and active, I can’t reverse my age. I’m scared at what my prospects are with a million other 50 something divorced women out there. Then are they all fu*ed* up jerks? I want him to feel the pain he has caused, but I know there is no way to really do that. So owing to the body image hype we all have been fed + the fact that all my “parts” are not quite in the same place now., I don’t have any idea how I will ever be able to have sex with him again – it’s like he’s tainted. Fish oil on a motorcycle seat and racing suit, just isn’t going to make up for a life turned upside down after 15 years. He says I am crazy and says he’s looked it up & whatever he read says so. My friends say get over it and move on….it’s just NOT that easy. Again, am I crazy? If so how do I stop, how do I move on with all of these “new ideas” I’m supposed to have? I am probably just obsessed and scared and feel like I can’t even trust myself , or him, much less another man. Oh and this is WITH anti-depressants! I have wasted SO much time trying to “process” this, and see here I am typing this and it’s a beautiful day outside. btw I have gone out and done a few fun things with my girlfriends, but it just isn’t the same without a partner.

      • Notoverit

        Sharon, are you in counseling yourself? I think it would be a very good idea. And, tell him enough with the letting the OW down slowly, either do it or leave you alone. A CS needs a clear choice – her or you. I also agree with Anita – enough with the vengeance. As any of us BSs will tell you, backing off, ignoring him and moving on will be better for you. Also, backing off seems to make us more attractive (God knows why). If he decides to leave the OW, set clear rules and boundaries for him about dealing with you. Think about what you want and set those boundaries, non-negotiable. Your spouse sounds like he’s in a deep fog and needs a sincere wake-up call. Take care of yourself and please go see a counselor if you haven’t already.

      • rachel

        You are not crazy. I did the same thing, lots of rage and anger. I was passionate about our marriage and would never look someone up and hook up for lunches. Text and E-mail. I was never so hurt and still am. He broke my heart. My children are hurt as well.
        My friends also say to file but that’s something that I don’t want to do. My H now won’t work on the marriage. First he wanted me to move on from the E/A and I did but now he won’t work on us because of my rage/anger. In my opinion it’s just an excuse. He says that he has zero contact with the OW and I must believe him. I am on anti- anxiety medication (lexipro). It has calmed me down quite a bit. He doesn’t have any answers which is very frustrating. He had the affair but I’m willing to work on the marriage?
        I go out with my friends as well and it is fun. But when their husbands come too, I feel like such a looser. I know it’s not my fault but It’s so difficult.
        Good luck, Sharon. I am seeing a counselor and it really seems to help me. She mostly wants me to take care of myself.

    • Anita

      First of all enough with the Vengeance, that is not going to
      make you feel better in the long run, and it is pointless.
      Forgiveness on the other hand will make you feel much
      better and it is what God asks from us, and yes its possible
      because I’m living proof.
      Now you need to stop acting out because of anger, instead
      pray and tell God all your pain and sorrow, he understands,
      even Jesus was betrayed for 30 pieces of silver.
      Your husband’s choice to have an affair, was wrong.
      However you are responsible of your own happiness, and
      that inner happiness comes from God, not others. Others
      can bring us joy or sorrow, but God is always the same,
      he loves us.
      You came into this world without a man, so wheather your
      married or not, your still capable of living a happy
      fulfilled life.

      • Anita

        Your worth and value are NOT based on how others treat you. Your worth and value come from God, and only God.
        When others mistreat us, we pray for them and forgive
        them, just as God forgives our sins. Forgiveness is for
        you. Unforgiveness is equal to swallowing poison expecting it to hurt others, when in fact it only hurts you.
        But its your choice to wallow in self pity or forgive.
        Also those who anger us control us also, so think about
        this. Forgiveness will bring true healing. Read Romans
        Chapter 12 verses 17 through 21.
        My best to you.

        • Anita

          Also when bad things happen to us and we don’t forgive and move forward, we allow the bad things to take over
          our lives, and it controls every aspect of our lives, thats
          why its important to forgive and move forward, letting the
          past behind and pressing on to whats ahead, we cannot
          change the past, but it doesn’t have to control our future.
          So don’t allow yourself to be stuck in the past, forgive it
          and let it go.

    • Holdingon

      Funniest thing I did, I thought it was funny at the time. We were out of state and I found a guy at a bar and took him back to our room and asked her if she wanted to have a 3 way, plus all kinds of other crazy crap, I told her if she wanted to act like a slut I would treat her that way, offered her an open marriage but she don’t want me to be with anyone else, well join the freaking club. Not my finest moment, but the other guy is still breathing so I had a little control.

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