“Discovering the new sides of me after my husband’s affair…and figuring out which one to listen to.”

after my husband's affairBy Guest Poster

(Note: We found this online and though not technically a guest post, we thought it might resonate with many of you. Please share your thoughts and comments below in the comment section.)

It’s been 6 (creeping up on 7 months) since D-Day for me. I’ve learned so many things in the midst of all of this. What true heartache feels like, for one. The feeling that my heart actually fell out of place and sank deep down into my stomach.

I actually thought maybe my lungs collapsed too…because breathing seconds after finding out seemed impossible. I was there.  I was alive and probably breathing…but it didn’t feel like it.

I learned that my biggest vulnerability was believing that an affair could never happen to us; that as long as we loved each other, then we were safe, and happy. That nothing could interfere. It was believing that which made me turn the other cheek when so many things felt “off.”

Opt In Image
Regaining Control:
Dealing With Obsessive Thoughts, Triggers and Memories of the Affair

Arm yourself with a variety of techniques, practical strategies and  knowledge to help you to manage those intrusive thoughts, triggers and memories of your partner’s affair.

I could go on all day talking about the different things I’ve learned since that horrible, horrible day. But since then I’ve discovered the different sides of myself I never knew were there. Before I was just, simply, me. Waking up in the morning was without thought. It came naturally as any other relatively normal human being. Now I wonder and sometimes worry about which me (or which combinations of me) I will be for the day.

The reasonable level headed me knows and sees my husband’s hard work. She sees that he’s been trying…he may be clueless at times but for the most part he really is showing his remorse, and doing what he can and is even willing to learn what can still be done to help me. And that makes her pretty content.

The emotionally charged me, with the lump constantly in the back of her throat, sees one “off” look by him and suddenly feels unloved, worthless, never good enough, to him. One “non-phone call” when one is needed and her whole world comes crashing down.

Why Betrayal Makes You Feel Worthless

The paranoid me…AAAAAH, the paranoid me. A little in combination with the me’s above…but mostly just paranoid. One glance at him on his phone is an automatic reason to investigate. An “I love you” without feeling is grounds for a full email check. Something must be going on. She spends most of her time searching through his pockets for anything out of the ordinary. Checking the history on his phone and computer. She’s even debated “surprising him at work” for lunch, just to see if HE acts paranoid. If he’s not home 5 minutes early from work, she searches for any hidden Facebook accounts. I hate this me.

See also  Dealing With an Affair and The Perfect Trigger Storm

The reasonable one knows that he doesn’t have a Facebook account because he deleted it in front of me, and is never around the computer enough to make another one. That even if he does have a “secret” account, it is out of her control. The reasonable me knows that either way – with or without him – she’ll be OK. Times may be hard, but for the most part, life will go on and the sun will rise and fall again.

The emotionally charged me…doesn’t feel like I can live without him. She knows that he’s been the only person she’s ever really loved. After all, I’ve known him since I was only 16. My entire adult life was spent with him…we have two kids together. She wants to curl up in a ball and cry most days. She still wonders where her heart is actually beating. Is it in place? Or is it still in the pit of her stomach?

Everywhere she turns, something reminds her of IT and of HER and HIM AND HER TOGETHER and it feels like it is about to drive her insane.

Every conversation this me has with my husband always somehow, someway leads back to his affair. She imagines the way conversations between them were and plays them out in her head. This me still has to get up at work and run to the bathroom to cry. Even after 6 (almost 7) months, it hits her. Like a tractor or, a bull dozer…or I don’t know…something really, really F’IN hard right in her chest. It’s shock all over again. Like reliving D-DAY every couple of days. Sitting in the car, realizing what my husband has done (even though I already know) feels like the first time, every time.

At the Heart of Attachment: How to Use Empathy to Communicate Effectively For On-Going Recovery

Reasonable me is sometimes pissed. Pissed that she’s in this situation, pissed that her kids are in this situation…looking at the shell of a person their mother once was every single flipping day. This me..knows I can do a whole heck of a lot better than this, that she doesn’t deserve this, never has and never will again. Pissed that husband can even sleep at night.

See also  Infidelity Makes for a Complicated Christmas - Part 2

Emotionally charged me…stays up at night imagining ways to hurt the OW. She fights back tears thinking about how unaffected the OW is by this. Thinking about how she goes on with her day without a care in the world, while I’m plagued with thoughts of her and my husband having sex in our bed. Daydreams about calling her husband and telling him everything. Exposing her for what she really is not only to her husband but to her entire family. Tell them about all the lies she’s said to both me and my husband. She has imaginary conversations with the OW, ones where she’s giving the OW “a piece of her mind” and calling her every ugly name in the book. This me imagines her being run over by a dump truck…and smiles.

Reasonable me, knows that even calling the OW and telling her off won’t make the facts disappear. Knows that’s watching the OW being run over by a dump truck won’t change a thing. What’s done is done. She knows that it won’t do anything but keep the OW more in her life than she already is. That calling her family and her husband and “exposing her” won’t do any good. It may drag her innocent children into to the mix…and they too, will be affected by her careless actions. As much as my kids don’t deserve it, neither do hers.

This side of me knows that as much as the OW was at fault for being careless, so is my husband. He is as much to blame, and that if it wasn’t her it could have possibly been another. Reasonable me realizes that I don’t know what is going on in the OW’s life…that she may be affected by it. For all I know she too, may be feeling very guilty about it. That she has to carry it on her shoulders for the rest of her life. If she’s not guilty about it…then oh well, too bad.

Her husband can (and probably will) someday learn the truth about what happened between her and my husband, and that’s up to him to decide what to do with that. She knows that no matter the OW’s situation, she did not get what she wanted from me. This me knows that nothing can take the anger or heartbreak away…nothing but time (at least that’s what she keeps hearing). Or amnesia…

Emotional me tries to think of ways to get amnesia. (kidding)

Does the Other Woman Play A Role In an Affair or Does the Blame Land Solely on the Cheating Husbands? YOU Decide

Before I was just me. Beth, Bethanie…Bethy (as my mom calls me). I woke up in the morning without thought, I just did it. I didn’t dread the day ahead of me. Doing things I loved came naturally and without force.  Loving my husband was natural. It just…was. I could sit on the toilet without replaying the images of my husband with another woman in my head. I’d cook dinner without seeing flashes of the OW in my head. I’d sit at my computer and NOT Google her name.

See also  When Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and the Other Person Are All Best Friends in their Non-Existence

I was content with who I was and how I looked. I didn’t examine every aspect of the OW’s face and body and compare it to mine. I didn’t look in the mirror and count every flaw. I’d drive without seeing the scroll on the bottom on the screen with the words ” I miss you *******, I can’t wait to see you again, you have no idea how bad I wanted to hear from you…Beth will be out of town on the 12th, I want you to come by…If I could see you again I’d just hold you and kiss you and blah, blah, blah freaking blah.” (imagine a news station with the news scrolling on the bottom of the screen…Their personal e-mails and text messages are my constant news scroll.)

Beth before didn’t need my husband’s actions to determine how she felt the rest of her day. She wasn’t so needy, and sensitive. She was actually quite independent and strong willed. She would stop and “smell the roses” from time to time. She wasn’t consumed by her husband’s discrepancies. She took joy in the little things in life, and found reasons to smile. Smiling wasn’t so forcibly done for her those days.

I may not ever be the Beth that once was. I think that’s a given. But I hope, that one day I could maybe be a stronger Beth – a wiser Beth, even. If all goes well and my marriage doesn’t crumble to pieces, hopefully a triumphant Beth. A Beth that can talk to her husband and look back and realize how far we’ve come and understand that if we can make it through infidelity then we can make it through anything in our marriage.

I don’t know how long that will take to find that Beth, or if in fact I ever will. But until then, all I can do is just sort through all the ones I have now, piece them back together and keep hoping that I’ll find some remnants of her one day.

 

    32 replies to "Discovering the Different Sides of Me After My Husband’s Affair"

    • Shifting Impressions

      This post says it all. I’ve discovered all those same sides to me as well and I don’t always know which one will show up on any given day either. This is actually a very helpful way of looking at things.

    • antiskank

      I read this article with tears streaming down my face. I identify with so much of it! I guess the emotional me is front and centre these days. All of the different sides of me were so saddened by this. I still mourn the loss of the me that I was before my world came crashing down after the betrayal.

      • Shifting Impressions

        Anti
        I commented on this post a few hours ago and it has been running through my mind ever since. My emotional side is pretty front and center as well…..I cry at the drop of a hat. I think I’m going to explore this whole train of thought a little more….or maybe a lot more. It might be therapeutic to make my own list of “sides of me”. I might even explore it creatively through my art.

        I also mourn the loss of me from before.

      • Charlie

        Me too…….

    • antiskank

      This type of article is one of the reasons I come to this site when I’m feeling down. So many of the posts and articles bring out feelings that I often try to hide from. Knowing that I am not alone in feeling such a variety of feelings all at once makes me feel a little less crazy!

      When I read about some of you doing well, I feel so happy for you. I feel hope that maybe I can get my life and marriage back on track too. I want so much to feel safe, loved, and happy.

      When I read about the pain you feel, I am right there feeling it with you too. Why do we have to go through this? I feel so dejected when I read that after 4 or 5 years, things are still so hard for a BS even when the cheating spouse is doing the right things.

      I thought that I was doing a good job of carrying on with my life in public, at work and keeping my problems and feelings to myself living two separate lives just like the CS does, but I realize that’s not the case. My different sides overlap more than I thought. People will notice that you seem more serious, less fun, less outgoing, less confident……. I need to explore these sides and deal with them too.

      • Strengthrequired

        Anti skank, I was just thinking today about how serious I am, how I’m not so fun anymore, don’t like to go anywhere, not confident as much, not as friendly and less trusting.. I hate that I’m like this, so definately something I have to work on.
        I feel like I am just letting the days pass me by. I also wonder what the hell for, I didn’t do anything wrong, yet I feel like I’m hiding myself away.
        I used to be a people person, now I feel like not socialising, just living in my own little bubble. I guess no one can hurt you when you are in your own little bubble.
        Yet I think eventually, I will make the moves to reclaim my life back.

    • Rachel

      Well, I’m heading back to court. AGAIN!!!!!
      The ex removed my name from his life insurance policy.
      States in the divorce decree that I am to be on it as the beneficiary.
      I had a gut feeling that he would do this. Checked it and sure enough he removed me.
      He is a piece of work.
      He really doesn’t know who he is dealing with. I was meek, mild and very quiet!! Not anymore . I am women hear me roar!!!
      I should be receiving the nasty emails as soon as he is served. Then I will forward them to my attorney and nail him for harassment .
      Have a good day all!

      • Strengthrequired

        Rachel, nice to see you back, but wish it wasn’t because you had to head back to court. He likes to cause you grief, doesn’t he?
        At least you know he won’t win this round.

        Good luck Hun.

      • Tryinghard

        Rachel
        This guy just insists on being in your life doesn’t he? He is really grasping for straws here. Guess he figures if he can’t get your attention by flattering you he will use threats and punishments. Classic.freaking.Narc!!! Haha girl you just turn that Katy Perry song on and Roar!!!

        • Rachel

          And the ex strikes yet again!!!!
          Got an email tonight, wants to know who he’s suppose to claim on his income tax this year as we alternate each year.
          Hellllllo it’s in the decree!!!!!!!!!
          I’m not even answering him as it will be too stressful to even deal with this psychopath . DELETE!
          I will forward page 10 of the decree to his accountant. UGH!

          • gizfield

            What a loser. Thank God you are no longer married to him.

          • Tryinghard

            Rachel. Don’t tell him. Let him make the mistake and get audited. What a douche. He’s the king of foot stomping , fat third graders!!! Next thing you know he’s going to want your recipe for pot roast!!!

            • Rachel

              Hahaha trying hard

            • Rachel

              Just sent a long blog. Didn’t send??
              Anywho
              The ex strikes again .
              Got a cancellation notice from my car insurance provider.
              The ex didn’t pay 300.00 for the boys car insurance so it will be cancelled in March .
              Again states in the decree he has to pay. Maybe he got a different decree??? Maybe he can’t read??
              It’s another “poor me” story for the boys that your mother is taking all my money”.
              He makes 130,000 and lives with his mutha.
              Loser!

    • Broken2

      Best post I have seen for a long time. Sorry to see the before affair me will never return….it really can’t. This post is so accurate unlike the last weeks post that says we should feel gratitude for being ripped apart. I have felt and done everything in this post and still do feel some of it today 4 long years later.

      • Strengthrequired

        Broken, me too. It’s funny the things that set the emotional roller coaster on again. Like a bad dream, or something that airs on TV, or a comment made, or even a casual drive. Anything really. You just never know when your going to feel so full of will and strength, or when you are just going to crumble into a heap.
        At least they get further apart with time.

    • tabs

      I spend an inordinate amount of time convincing myself that I’ve learned something about life and myself. I rehash my decision to stay married. Is my CS really remorseful? Did he learn a lesson? etc, etc. I like to think I’m in a better place. No, I’m not grateful, in any way, about the affair happening. I just need to be in a state of mind to function as a normal human being. But, even after 4 years from Dday, that part of me that “thought of ways to get amnesia”, “replayed images”, and “Googled names” is still around. However, the other side of me has finally figured out that I gave my H the “privilege” to stay married to me. Is this a better place?

    • Had to talk

      Great post.
      3 years past D-day here. Have come a long way but still feel many of the same emotions at times.
      Agree with you Tabs 100%

    • Dakota

      Shifting impresions I think is a good idea to make a list of the sides of us that surfaced after the betrayal and also to express it trough our own art it will be helpful and creative.
      Out of curiosity what is your art?
      All of the posts in here has touch me and my deepest feelings around my husband EA..

      • Shifting Impressions

        Dakota
        I would rather not share specifically what my art is as I would like to stay anonymous as I imagine all of us would. But I have found my self pouring more emotions into my work than I did previously. Finding a creative outlet for this emotional roller coaster ride is proving to be very cathartic for me.

    • Dakota

      Anti..this righ here is what i have being going throug for quite a while now.
      After Hobby EA/PA . For me the Day happened in June 2009..it marks when the world came crashing down on me.

      I thought that I was doing a good job of carrying on with my life in public, at work and keeping my problems and feelings to myself living two separate lives just like the CS does, but I realize that’s not the case. My different sides overlap more than I thought. People will notice that you seem more serious, less fun, less outgoing, less confident……. I need to explore these sides and deal with them too.

      • Strengthrequired

        Dakota, I’m finding it so hard to become less serious, more fun to be around, more outgoing and more trusting. It’s like that part of me us gone. i see myself behaving serious etc, and I can’t seem to stop. I don’t like who I have become because of my h affair. I’m always on guard.

    • chely

      Hi – a year and a half out from d-day and somedays it seems easier some not so much. But I finally had to decide if I was staying married that I couldnt remain inthis limbo state any longer I was either in or out -I had to accept what has happened and make the choiceto let it go and focus on the future. The hardest part to change was how small coincidental things would make my mind instantly think the worst. When you’ve been betrayed your automatic reaction gets reprogrammed (fight or flight) and tough to undo that. But once i made up my mind to let it go focus on ME & my future. Truthfully it has made a difference in our relationship. Remember why you fell in love – be fun, enjoy things together-BE PLAYFUL in everyday things as well as sexually. Trust me while mine is a poster for the high functioning stealth narcissist – rarely expresses remorse but really seemed checked out emotionally even though together until I changed how i respond to his nar. behavior -nuetral- and i started to be fun and playful about life. It has made much improvement. Sure I still have moments but I accept that they come sometimes acknowledge and put out of my head. Do I trust him completely -absolutely not but since we enjoy each others company again ( and do lots together I hope the worst is behind me – for good. Only time will tell but I’ll take this over 6 months ago for sure. Hope this is helpful to some of you. Hugs from chely5150

      • Doug

        chely, Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your successes! Best of luck!

    • beenthere

      This was well written. Going on two full years now. I was so broken and changed. I hated that I was no longer fun, silly, and outgoing….how dare he take that too. My solution? Probably not popular…had an affair. It was amazing! Now, I too have experienced what it feels like to be wanted, feel sexy, and just have raw amazing passion. Best part, no need t hide it. When husband found a few email, I thought I wouldn’t care, but I did feel sorry for him as he truly feel apart. I discovered that I am so much stronger than him. Cant say that our marriage is any better or further along, but who cares? Who wants to feel less than and unloved? My marriage is no longer special…doesn’t matter how you slice it. Who wants to constantly replay the images and scripts? NOT I. I am too good for this. Although, neither of us are having an affair any longer (or maybe he is…I was never the “detective” and I am choosing to not be now), we live like room mates. Very kind room mates. Would be out of here if we didn’t have two amazing children. Will stick it out for a while for them. In the meantime, back to graduate school, lost 10 lbs, a few new clothes, pretty bras and undies, a few extra dollars for good skin care and a new cut and color. Look better than I have in years. I new attitude and a new look to go with the now new sides of me. After all, I didn’t get a choice in his affair….only the way I handle it. Stay true to you sisters….you are worth so much more!!!

      • TryingHard

        Beenthere
        I have no problem with doing your own thing as long as everyone is aware of the situation. It’s the lies and deception that hurts the most and which I believe is the most destructive.

        I’ve had plenty of opportunities to have an affair but it just is not for me. When my H left there were plenty of friends contacting me asking when I was going to be ready for retribution and to date as they were getting inquiries about me. I was not then nor am I now. Maybe in the future buy one thing for sure it will NEVER be with a married man and my husband will know about it. So what fun is that right?

        I am happy this worked for you and YOUR happiness and I hope it continues to do so in the future. I some how have a feeling, meh not so much. Unless of course you are a completely shallow creature who only lives for revenge and smug self satisfaction.

        Good luck in Grad School. I hope you learn something good.

    • rach

      This is me.One year and a baby later after D-day.Only the resentful me has been surfacing more and more that inspite of the new life we have created together and the two teenagers we have I am contemplating kicking him out. I am at a point where I am weighing my options and thinking if he is still worth staying with.

    • MLB

      This post was perfect timing for me…it has been 7 months since I found out about my husbands affair after 17 years together and I have felt all of those feelings. This was a rough week for me….we were to be in Lake Tahoe now on our retirement adventure in our RV….to those younger ones out there infidelity still happens even when you are senior citizens so you actually never reach an age where you are not vulnerable to this happening. My husband and I had a good marriage…we actually smiled, laughed, enjoyed the same activities…willingly chose to spend all our time together and were excited about his retirement and our future travels (I was still going to work remotely on the road). Yes, we had some struggles with balancing the tasks in our relationship (I did 80% of everything and he admittedly did 20% and often failed to complete his portion) and as we got closer to his retirement I became more desperate to balance it as I could not go on the road, work and do my tasks and his too so there was more tension. Then he lost his job (I suspect for the same issue in our marriage..not completing his tasks) and shortly thereafter he had an affair with the married 60 something receptionist at the company he just got let go from. He decided that he wanted to leave me and be with her..he gave up everything ..retirement, our family, our plans for the future, the respect of family and friends not to mention the financial loss. We have been living apart now for just over 30 days and I have good days and bad days where I miss him and want my life back..want my retirement plans…want to travel and do all the things we talked about. I have bought a beautiful new home…a new car..am fortunatel to have a great job and for today am financially secure and in good health…please know I am beyond grateful for all that I have but I miss the partnership and feel alone with no energy or desire to seek anything new. There are days I want him back but then I think how could I ever forget hearing him say I love you to the other woman…forget the pain…trust him ever again….look at him and not feel anger…wonder how could he love me and have caused me so much hurt…yes, people make mistakes but you don’t destroy those you truly love on purpose. He didn’t have to cheat..he could have been honest and above board and told me before he acted on anything but he took the selfish way and satisfied his desires with no care for the aftermath of destruction it would cause. So why would I ever want someone like him back……I think my oldest daughter said it best…she said “Mom, you are grieving for the man he once was, not the man he is today” and that is so true…I want back the way it was before he cheated…I want back what I believed was our “true love”…I want back the way it felt to think he always had my back…would always be there for me…stand by my side and at the end of life hold my hand as I gently slipped away…but that man is gone and nothing can ever bring that back…nothing. I am strong, I am worthy and I will find love again…I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Today I choose to let go of the man he once was, accept who he now and be excited for new beginnings.

      • Sisu

        Thank you for your post, MLB. Wow! I love what your daughter said.

        I too am grieving. However, in my case, I believe I’m grieving the loss of the man I THOUGHT he was, not who he actually is. As I look back on our years together, I’m beginning to notice how most times, his first reaction is to lie even if telling the truth has no bad consequences. I rarely lie, have created a life where I don’t have to. I am who I am, and I don’t apologize for it. He seems to want people to see him differently than he sees himself, so he lies.

        He hasn’t moved out yet, D day was two weeks ago. I told him he has until October 15 to get out. It’s hard still living together, but we’re making it work. Most days, he lies about something inconsequential and I think, “Yeah, this would never work for me”. So, it’s nice he validates the ending of our partnership. Still would’ve been nice if he could’ve told me the relationship wasn’t working rather than him having an affair and me catching him talking to her on speakerphone in our garage.

    • Josie

      This is such a useful article – and all the comments from everyone else too. It’s so sad to read people are feeling like this, but reassuring to know I’m not the only one. It’s such a roller coaster of emotions for me still 18 months on. My husband are I are staying together but I worry that I’ll never be able to trust him again. I have become almost obsessive about thinking about what he has or hasn’t done, how he really feels and what he may/may not do in the future. I hate this jealous, untrusting person I’ve become – checking his phone etc and looking at ‘her’ twitter posts etc. That’s what is messing with my head now. I think I may need help to move forward (with him) – anti-depressants, counselling – any thoughts?

      • Sisu

        Josie, I think counselling would be good. If you and your husband want to save the marriage, you need to be able to trust him again. A big part of trust is being able to talk openly about the affair…why it happened, how it made you feel, etc. Also, he needs to cut ALL ties with the other woman. ALL TIES! He must have no communication with her at all…delete her from all his social media, delete her number from his phone, etc. I get that he could create other social media accounts behind your back and still have access to her, but that’s beyond your control.

        I may not be a good person to answer your question, I’ve chosen to leave my relationship as I’ve lost all trust. I continue to catch him in little lies, and wonder what else he’s lying about. I’ve also taken off my rose-colored glasses and now see my relationship for what it really was, not what I wanted it to be. I realized that it wasn’t good for me from day one (we’ve been together for 7 years). It was great for him as I paid the lion’s share of the bills and did most of the work around the house.

        Best of luck. I know how hard this is. You’re definitely not alone.

      • Shifting Impressions

        Josie
        This is such a powerful post….It moved me to tears the first time I read it, a few years back.

        It has been almost five years for me since d-day and I did stay with my husband and we are doing quite well.

        Those first three years were absolutely brutal…I am sure I cried everyday. I agree with Sisu, counseling can be really helpful. I wouldn’t have made it through with out a few really close friends, counseling and this site.

        Don’t be to hard on yourself….this is a really difficult process. There is no rushing your grief. I hope you are able to get some help for you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.