stay marriedby Sarah P.

This was the title of an email that hit my Mom’s spam folder. She was outraged when she read the actual email itself and sent it to me to write about.

Just from reading the title of it and without reading the subject, my first thought was that the article might be about the “date night” that most married couples are encouraged to set up. I am a big fan of those date nights because they allow you to see new and exciting aspects of your partner. And these date nights have the potential to keep the connection between spouses – though this is not true in all cases.

So what was that email advertising?

Well, it was advertising the largest dating site for married people who are looking for an affair. That would explain why my mom was outraged and it caused me to be outraged too.

A couple of years ago I remember reading an article in a women’s magazine where the female author, who was single, put a fake profile on a married dating site so that she could write a story about her experiences. Her intention was not to date a married man – and she did not date a married man – but she did write a wonderful piece exposing the type of man who will post himself on such a site.

When the author met these men in person she described them as scared, little rats who were constantly looking out of the corner of their eyes and who would not disclose their real names or professions.

See also  A Reader Shares Her Pain and Hope After Infidelity

The reason I refer to men as being the primary people on these sites is because they are. The ratio of male to female has been quoted as 4:1. In fact, many of the women on these married dating sites are actually single.

But, enough about them.

Let’s talk about how you can be the “new” woman that your husband comes home to each night – or the “new” man to your wife.

The thing about infidelity is that it shakes both people up so much that it also opens a world of possibility.

All of us have issues and some unhealthy relationship dynamics. It’s the nature of human beings. But when infidelity shakes the ground under our feet, we have an opportunity. We have an opportunity to let go of old, destructive patterns and to allow more healthy ways of thinking, living, loving and interacting emerge. We can start at square one again and be given a second chance to discover a whole new marriage.

The beginning of this new year is a good time to look at what we have done right and what we have done wrong and to take a self inventory. This does not mean that we were ever responsible for a partner’s affair, but we can use the affair to discover tremendous strength within ourselves.

We can expect more of our partners and we can absolutely demand that they give us more and that they themselves change and look at their own issues. After all, the partner’s affair began because of their own issues and not because of anything that you did.

See also  How to Get Your Spouse to Change

It’s a new year and it’s time to take a fresh look at your marriage and look for ways to heal no matter what stage you’re at in the recovery process.

We’d like to thank Sarah for contributing to our blog.  She recently finished her Master’s work in clinical psychology and is currently working on her PsyD (Doctor of Psychology ) degree.


    31 replies to "Date Someone New and Stay Married Too"

    • Shifting Impressions

      Sorry, but the old me was just fine. The old me loved and trusted completely. The old me did not deserve the painful world I now wake up to everyday,

      Yes, I agree out of infidelity comes opportunity for change but starting at square one…..sorry to much, water under the bridge, we are starting at a totally different place. When I first discovered my husband’s EA I was devastated and struggled to survive each day…..I was not exactly focusing on opportunity for change. As lovely as starting at square one sounds, it seems totally unrealistic to me. After infidelity, the battle we are fighting is of epic proportions.

      It’s been a little over a year since D-day and I finally have a glimmer of hope that the affair fog is lifting. Some of the defenses have dropped but I believe we have a long difficult journey ahead.

      As with all difficulties in life there is alway opportunity for change but I will always grieve what was lost. I do believe we will find our way but starting at square one after forty years of marriage…..I don’t think so.

    • exercisegrace

      “Let’s talk about how you can be the “new” woman that your husband comes home to each night”

      You ARE joking, right? Let’s talk about the OLD woman. She was loyal and faithful. She devoted her life to taking care of her husband, kids and home. She did many thoughtful things for her husband to let him know he was her priority. She put her husband first always. His career, his needs, etc. He himself has said I “supported him to my own detriment”, even allowing him to start a business with his AP against everything my instincts were telling me. To balance the picture, I certainly made mistakes. There are things I could have done better. I am human, and I have stumbled many times. But whatever mistakes I have made, whatever I have fallen short? It was with LOVE. It was with our marriage and family always first in my mind. Honestly, my husband would give his left nut to have the OLD woman back again.

      The assumption in this article is (like sadly most are) that our marriage was in bad shape before the affair. It was lacking, or struggling, or unsatisfactory. And it wasn’t. My husband self-destructed in the face of numerous outside pressures. We have discussed ad nauseum what I could have done differently, and he has consistently said…nothing. That he just lost the thread of his own life and used the affair as an escape from the business, financial and other pressures. She slavishly adored him with (at first) nothing expected in return. No burdens, responsibilities or commitment needed.

      Frankly it is INSULTING to hear someone tell me to “use the affair to discover tremendous strength within ourselves”. I don’t need to look at MY life through the lens of my HUSBAND’S adultery. I am the same giving, loving person I was before the affair. I have good habits and bad. I always try my best and I love my family first. Whatever I decide to change in my life, will be about growing MYSELF to benefit MYSELF. Certainly my husband will benefit from the positive changes I make, but it WILL NOT be done FOR him or BECAUSE he chose to have an affair. Actually it will be more about standing on my own two feet, defining and validating myself outside of the marital relationship, and getting a life that is about meeting my own wants and needs.

      The new year will be a time for us to continue to focus forward, try to keep our eyes on our marriage and keep them OFF a nasty whore, who three years later STILL tries to insert herself into our lives at random points. We have made tremendous strides and I pray we continue to do so.

      • Shifting Impressions

        Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou……for putting it so much better than I could. Everything you said and more!!!!!!

      • Broken2

        EG you are so right…this article is an insult.

      • TryingHard

        I agree and concur with what you say.

        I was everything you said you were even to the exact words “supported him to my own detriment” couldn’t be truer in my case as well.

        I will dare to say that I HAVE changed since his affair. And while I will NOT give the affair credit I will give credit to the trauma it caused me. I no longer “support him to my detriment”. One would think after such a betrayal and really working hard to make your marriage work, we would be compliant little yes women! LOL we ARE not, and anything but.

        I called my H out on something he was doing a few weeks ago. Prior, I would have let it pass, patronize him almost. Now, I call him out. He smiled and said thank you, that he depended on me to keep him real. He was acting like an ass and I called him on it. Told him he was acting phony to impress someone (albeit, it was with a client who is spending llllllllotttts of money with us) told him that I didn’t care how rich this person was, it was not worth making an ass of yourself.

        Also I don’t put up with him not engaging with me. Staying in his own head. I used to “respect” that he needed quiet time. No more, when we are together we talk, laugh, interact, have FUN like never before and it’s because I’m not just sitting back letting him lead the way and do what he wants to do.

        He helps around the house, LOL even laundry!! We make the bed every morning TOGETHER. We cook together. We have AT LEAST 3 date nights a week. We plan vacations TOGETHER.

        I like the old TryingHard too! I was a good wife, mother, DIL, all of it but EG one cannot help but change one way or another after going through such a personal trauma. And you are right. The change is for ME not him or the marriage. I’m not willing to put everyone else before me anymore. I’m eating the last cookie damn it! 🙂

        Anyway, It’s been wonderful and I’m grateful and I’m proud of ME. I like who I’ve become and more to the point I don’t care if anyone else does or not!

        And, like you, I want to focus on the present and all of it’s opportunities.

        • exercisegrace

          Bravo TH!! I couldn’t agree more. I relate to so much of what you said. I used to be the agreeable little stepford wife. Now, I have expectations and he fulfills them. We run errands together, shop together and cook together. The other night, I was busy helping the kids with homework and he jumped up and made dinner without being asked.

          I used to respect him to the death of ME, lol. I didn’t ask him for anything and I tried to lift all burdens off his shoulders. Now, I have an expectation that MY needs should be met. MY preferences should be considered when making plans. I may be a stay at home mom, but MY schedule also needs to be respected.

          You are right. Change after an affair is inevitable. You simply are no longer the same person. I mourn parts of who I was that I never will be again. I liked her and he did too. But now it’s time for me to make my own way forward. I like a lot of the changes I have made. I also agree with you that I don’t care if anyone likes the new me or not! I can validate myself now. I don’t need to wait around to be patted and told what a great wife I am. And I AM still a great wife. It has left him a bit lost to see the new independent me!

      • Strengthrequired

        Eg, so your husbands ow is still trying to get back into your husbands life? I don’t think these ow ever learn. Great post btw.
        You are right, the old woman I was, was better. The new me, is still at times ready to throw in the towel, all because I’m tired. Lol. Yet I’m still here, still making my marriage priority. Yet can I say, why should we be the ones that have to change, be the new one. We didn’t cheat, we stayed faithful, and we even fought for our marriages. When is it their turn to step up?

    • Gizfield

      Well said, exercisegrace. I love your posts, they are always so eloquent.

      • Blue

        I agree with you Gizfield ‘eloquent’ That’s why I’m mostly reading the comments of you very grounded (yet hurt) smart women and men instead of posting when I’m in a hurry and spazzed out.

        I think if you haven’t been betrayed you can only ‘imagine’ what it’s like and simplify the trauma. And to all those who haven’t been betrayed by your spouse know that it is a fact that it is the next most traumatizing thing that can happen to you other than losing a child. It really is.

        I have to say, I’m trying to be a better wife, mom, friend, and person since I found out I wasn’t perfect. My CH was totally surprised to find out my list of grievances was way longer than him of me. Basically, all the things I didn’t nag him about caused me to be ‘unaffectionate’ So I take responsibility for myself communicating to him what bothers me now. If he had the affair because he is innately shallow, egocentric and ignorant and it was just an itch he just had to scratch, I hope I will be enlightened and can leave him knowing it wasn’t me, it was his flaw.

        Like exercisegrace said ‘It was with our marriage and family always first in my mind’ It’s a hard pill to swallow knowing that this is not the case with a Cheater (at least at the time of the crime), no matter how they try to justify their choices, they were out for themselves and no one else. They are the ones who failed their family.

    • exercisegrace

      Thanks for the kind words, guys. It means a lot.

      It just pushes my buttons when people write drivel about making the relationship “better” after an affair. As if their final sentence should be……”and so I contacted my husband’s whore and thanked her profusely! She was the best thing that ever happened to us and without her, we wouldn’t have the marriage we have today!”.

      No. Just, no. Your relationship is never better after an affair. The cheater might become a better person because they have been forced to do so. And that will certainly benefit the marriage. My husband was forced to deal with long neglected childhood issues which contributed to making him conflict-avoidant and nearly unable to set boundaries. Cheating is always, ALWAYS due to some flaw(s) in the cheater. An affair can and should force them to take those flaws out and examine them in the cold light of day. It should force them to deal with their issues, and preferably with a knowledgeable counselor.

      But a marriage is always BETTER without the taint of infidelity. It is always BETTER without the hurt and triggers and in my case, exposing me to an STD. I will never again trust the way I did before he cheated on me. Our marriage is not better for that. I don’t know that I will ever be able to lay my heart wide open the way I once did. Our marriage is not better for that either. I could go on.

      We have definitely made changes in this post affair landscape, and everyone who walks this ugly road should. But we are not “better” because of the affair. My husband should have been adult enough to communicate what was on his mind. He should have been able to seek help for the depression he hid for far too long.

      You don’t have a better relationship after an affair, you have a different one. And that different one can be good, even great. But it should have been able to be that way all along. The scars created by an affair are forever. We have a limp that will never go away. I am sad it took something horrendous to make my husband face his faults. I know I am a strong person because I have been able to forgive much. But it will never be credited to the affair. My strength was here all along.

      • TryingHard

        Well said EG!!!

      • Strengthrequired

        Exactly eg, life is not better after the affair, there was trust and unconditional love, there were no looking over your shoulder because a ow couldn’t keep her hands to herself. There were no nightmares, no triggers that caused great sadness due to infidelity. Our children were happy, yet now they too are scarred, how is that a good thing. So should I go out and invite the ow around and tell her how great fil I am that she came into our lives and made our marriage better. Hell no, my marriage is not better. My husband sees the pain he caused in my heart each day, how is that a good thing.
        As you said, he should have taken the steps to get help for his depression due to life’s pressures, not fall into the arms of some cousin it, who had her own problems that had made them his problems, then our problems.

        • Sarah P

          There are times when I think there should be some kind of legal loophole that allows wives to take a few physical slugs at the face of the other woman. That’s the mean part of me talking but I feel that way nonetheless. I have never touched anyone in anger during my entire life. But I have to say that now that I do have children (unlike the first relationship) my mother bear instinct would take over and I would want to kick a** and take names.

          Anytime I find out one of my husband’s coworkers is at it again, I become horriblely enraged and feel like I cannot breathe. I can only imagine how you all feel. 🙁

          I am so sorry…

    • Gizfield

      I’ll be honest. I have never particularly cared for “dating” myself, even when I did it. I got married to avoid dating. To me, marriage and dating are polar opposites. Dating seems contrived, and forced, and just kind of desperate, trying to act a certain way and make an Impression. Marriage is natural, and freeflowing, and getting to know the total, REAL person.

      I do notice on the internet that some people classify “dates” differently than I do. Anything you do without your kids, presumably to lead to sex, is a date. I just consider that marriage, I guess. I dislike the whole Get fixed up, get away from the kids, go somewhere stare at each other, and “talk about yourself” routine. Not comfortable for me at all.

    • TryingHard

      YAYAYAYAYAY Sarah P is BACK!!!!!!!

      Where have you been??? I’ve missed you!!!

      Oh thank you Doug for posting a Sarah P article after that whole 150+ comments on the last

      Phew, I am worn out!!!

      • Sarah P

        Hello TryingHard and all The Ladies,
        First off, yes I am back. As Doug and Linda know, I took a position as as corporate magazine editor and was trying to do school and trying to be a mom. So I had time for nothing. Dropped the editing job and am back to being a mom and freelance writing. So, my posts are back.

        First off: The wounds are raw and it was not my intent to insult or to denigrate anything anyone has been through. Frankly I don’t know how a relationship could be better after an affair though many report that it is. (Please don’t throw virtual tomatoes at the online “stage”!!)

        In terms of being a better person after an affair, I believe that is absolutely possible because we can learn a lot. Though it’s not the path anyone would choose. In fact being a better woman and learning might mean leaving the marriage. The bottom line is, most of us would choose chewing our own arms off over going through an affair. I would choose knawning my arms off. No question about it. But after the affair happens (which was not your fault and never was your fault) you come to a fork in the road. In my case, i could have taken the path that lead to an abyss of total oblivion or the path where I figured out how to reconstruct myself in a healthier way, to learn all I could about affairs, set boundaries, look at my grief head on, and ultimately climb out of a hole. Now I also had to make the choice of stay or go. My choice was to get out so fast I left skid marks and to stay out. The game ended there and thete has been no contact for 13 years. I don’t reget it at all and am relieved because I know I could not have trusted him ever again. However.. my situation was more simple because no children were involved. Now that I am married and have children, would I make the same choice? I truly do not know. But what I do know is that I would have to once again avoid the abyss and find a way to heal. So no offense intended to anyone and no trivializing affairs. No Way. I write because I am here to provide support for the betrayed and I apologize wholeheartedly if my words implied anything other than support. -Sarah P.

        • Strengthrequired

          Sarah, I don’t think you have anything to apologise for. I am sure all posts that lead to some sort of healing for someone is helpful. Yet as you know being a betrayed, can be red raw for years, and none of us asked to be placed in that position, not unless we were all secretly swinging or having open marriages or relationships. Maybe then of course we can sit back and say, well I welcomed the idea, and it backfired majorly, so who can I blame but myself.
          Yet I know that didn’t happen for us, and we welcome your posts, they start up a new conversation, sometimes they might even cause a battle, but welcome to say the least. Lol. I’m sure you know we aren’t always an easy crowd to please. Lol
          Welcome back…. Happy that you are getting your family time again.

          • Sarah P

            Hello Stregnth!
            Nice to hear from you!!

            So wanted to give a real life example of something that happened to a dear friend. This story is an example of using an affair as an opportunity to grow. I will refer to her as Anne and her husband as Bill. She is an amazing woman– award winning singer, teacher, and all around beautiful, incredible person. She and Bill have three grown kids but it came to light that Bill had cheated with his female “friends” for most of their marriage and that Bill was having an affair with his female business partner. Now Anne is a Christian and she practices what she preaches. She believed she couldn’t get a divorce because of it. I had a long talk with her and encouraged her to tell her husband to sever all ties with his business partner or to divorce. Anne moved away for a while to get her head clear as well. In the end, Bill chose the other woman and Anne bravely turned in the divorce papers and Bill immediately signed them since the OW had designs on their watwedding home. Bill and Anne are divorced now and I feared for Anne since she has always been the traditional woman (like a lot of us) who were raised to put others needs first.

            All of her friends rallied around her and Anne has just bloomed. Her teaching business is flourishing, she is back recording jazz again, lifting weights, running marathons and she has found a fiancé who recognizes the beautiful woman that she always has been. Anne would never have chosen an unfaithful husband and she is one of those people who is so great you’d think her husband would cherish her. But once again, it was never about her value because she is a pearl and he is a pig who crushes pearls and wallows in the mud. He was never looking for a pearl, but rather for a fellow pig. So it doesn’t matter if a wife has or does not have. It doesn’t matter if a wife rivals a supermodel in her beauty and Snow White in her kindness. Because if that woman unknowingly marries a pig, the pig will go and find another pig.

            Back to Anne. She never asked for an affair. And no one deserves being put through an affair.

            But Anne met that fork in the road and saw the road to the abyss or the road to living well despite what her his and did. In Anne’s case if she would have stayed she would have ended up in the abyss. When she was thinking about working it out with Bill I feared for her because she was an empty shell. It was clear to her friends and even her pastor that Bill was never going to change and simply wanted the convenience of being married and having another woman. He was a serial cheater and I do not believe he was capable of change. Thank God Anne left and got revenge by living well. So this is what I am talking about in terms of affairs. You did not choose it, you did NOT deserve it, and because of that, do not let it destroy you. Build the best within yourself and don’t let the best of you be overshadowed for any lengthy period of time. It hurts you. Sometimes though a woman cannot flourish and remain married to a cheater. So I am certain not asking you to be the bigger person so that a cheating spouse can benefit and get off scot free. No way. Don’t let the affair put your inner light out while at the same time NOT letting a cheating spouse off the hook.

            With Love and sisterly support,
            Sarah P.

      • Sarah P

        I have missed you too! 🙂

    • theresa

      The year is 2015 right? Not 1914?
      Are men still writing the rules of behavior for women?
      Are women still believing this bullshit?
      Why are the lists of do’s and do not’s different?
      Doesn’t it seem that women are doing it all and have always done it all?
      If we switched places wouldn’t the load feel a lot less heavy?
      When we had one of our “talks” his list of expectations of me was long.
      His evaluation of his contribution was “TO BE MORE AWARE”.

    • Beckyb2

      Weird how I need to change myself after his lowering of himself hmmm NOT ! I am still the woman he fell in love with yet his changing has NOT made me desire the person he changed into nor has his serial cheating made me change . I stand for who and what I have been and always will be I am strengthened by GOD he made me the woman I am. No matter how much less my husband had to become to be attractive to sewer rats will never make me deliberately intentionally lower myself to the sewer rat race he made his life . The self delusional less than loving caring humans who intentionally accept the cheater lifestyle have chosen to play/pretend their choices affect no one have chosen a deceiving altered reality . I am based in reality if I choose to find a stranger and play a game of pretend where my life becomes null and void by MY own lies and deception I NEVER can change reality I can only change who I am . There is a mental sickness ruining the people in our world it is ENTITLEMENT and the sickness it generates is the reality the betrayed lives watching the one they love and trust become a cruel stranger before our very eyes yet our reality NEVER changes we stay the person who is loving caring . Not caring is the result of entitlement sad but true.

    • Beckyb2

      I stopped dating when I married my husband I am not entitled to be dating anyone else reality check I am married . Now if I was able (with the knowledge he is a serial cheater and a lifetime liar) to go back to when I met my husband I would walk away never saying a word to him . He chose to lower his value to me I no longer trust him I’m not sure I will ever see in him a man worth my trust he proved he is someone I NEVER would have dated. We had a talk about if either of us would ever date a serial cheater to begin with he said it would depend. I said I wouldn’t even consider the cheater having any thing I value in a person so I would never consider dating a serial cheater. His answers evolved when I pointed out he is the serial cheater and good women won’t give him the time of day much less date him. I asked him if he would lie and hide his 17 year cheating life from a stranger he wanted to date he said he didn’t know ( I took that as yes he would lie just as he has his whole life) yet he changed his answer he did say he would NEVER trust a cheater hmm we are more alike than I thought. Date my husband nope been there didthat. As a friend, lover companion ,wife,mother,nana,daughter,sister, aunt,great aunt,niece my value can not be altered by my husbands choices I have value given by God not by man.

    • gizfield

      You are absolutely right, Beckyb2, I wouldn’t have dated my husband, much less have married him, if he had given any indication he was a Cheater. I doubt anyone on here would have to be truthful.

    • TryingHard

      Thanks Sarah P and glad you are back!

      I don’t buy in the bullshit “My Husbands Affair Was the Best Thing That Happened to Me” either! Sorry Bercts, I know you are helping some people. And NO it is definitely NOT the best thing….

      Actually I loved my life, well maybe not loved but I was comfortable and satisfied. Yep there were problems, but I never dreamed THE problem was HIS infidelity and betrayal. Could I have lived without it, you damn betcha!!! Have I changed BECAUSE of it? No, I have changed as a result of it. I can’t say I’ve changed for the better or worse for my marriage’s sake but I’ve personally changed. It was inevitable. Now I could have changed and became a bitter old hag or I could choose to make it a positive change. I changed for me, not him, not my marriage. My marriage was fine. My marriage was not to blame. How can you blame something that isn’t real? My marriage had nothing to do with his cheating. His shitty character did that. Blaming your marriage for an affair is like blaming Santa Claus for not giving you what you wanted for Christmas. A marriage is what two people put into it or take away from it.

      Could we all have lived without 9/11?? Hell yes!!! But as a result we all changed. Trauma does that. My DDay was my personal 9/11.

      I’m happy with my change and who I am today. I liked that person before the trauma just as well, but I needed to change personally to survive in this new world.

      I’m more than just my marriage and my marriage represents more than just mine and my husband’s relationship. We are parents, grandparents, son, daughter, sister, brother, employers, friends, business partners. We have deep and far reaching relationships with many people. His infidelity affected ALL those relationships, but mostly and particularly mine and his. I need my life. I need my H in my life. And since I’m a woman of a certain age I also know my limitations. Sure if I were a younger, financially independent person I may have made another choice, but at this age how does one even start to dissolve all the relationships both emotionally and financially that are involved. And we are by far NOT wealthy. No we have just enough that should we chose to liquidate it would ruin many innocent people. How would/could I do that? It would be unconscionable and there’s already on too many people short on conscience in this tangled relationship.

      So instead I read and research and try to work through this mess that HE brought into my life and guess what? It’s made me stronger, smarter, more worldly, spiritual, and to an extent more independent. Not to mention my growing sense of humor.

      So yeah, I’ve changed and I’m choosing to change for the better because I hate the idea of the alternative! I can’t stick my head and the sand and wish this shit hadn’t happened. Because It happened, it. fucking. happened.

      • Sarah P

        Trying hard,
        You are a brave woman and I understand fully why you are staying. I do believe in practicality when it is possible. I assume your husband has been out of the affair for some time and attempting to be a husband. If that is the case there is something to build on.

        I am in my 40’s and my mom is in her late 60’s. It has come to light recently that my dad has been continuing an emotional affair with his first fiancé for almost 50 years now. It has been on and off through my parents marriage and right now it is off and had been for quite some time. In the OW’s favor she has been the one to go no contact and tell my dad to get on with his life and marriage. My mom and I have always been aware of this woman because he openly pined for her. One time I asked my mom why she doesn’t leave and she says her self esteem is too low. But these days she is ready to give up everything and leave because she is sick of living in another womans shadow. I support my mom if that is what she needs to do and have disrespected my dad ever since I have been in my late teens and knew enough to form my own opinion about this. Sad. But if my mom does stay I understand that too. Frankly I think they would do well in marriage counseling but neither of them will go, which is also their choice. I am trying to stay out if it.

        • Sarah P

          Trying is so right when she makes mention of the fact that the affair did not impact just she and her H. These affairs impact everything and everyone and I have seen that my dads emotional affair. He is still so clueless even though the OW has been happily married for quite some time and has blocked his number and has gone no contact. my dad is stupid enough to believe she was his true love. The thing that angers me the most is my mom has been a model wife but he will never recognize her value, even though both men and women recognize her value.

    • TryingHard

      So am I “dating” a new person? I sure as hell hope so. Is my H dating a new person, Um YES! LOL he may not always like it but it is what it is. He had it pretty good before and now well let’s just say it’s a little more of a challenge 🙂

      I wish I were brave enough to look back and say I wouldn’t have married him knowing what I know now. But I can’t say that. I would do it all over again—only different and smarter!

      • Strengthrequired

        Th, what you have written is so on the mark for me, i think you have written how I feel.
        Great comment

    • Tryinghard

      You’re very kind to say that SR. I hope you are doing well my friend:)

    • bor

      I can agree to disagree as i do see opportunities to change. After all what I wanted before kids is so different after 20 years of marriage. 1) mistake; family of origin issues; for me lead me to child centered marriage, not that i didn’t love spending time with my CS it was what i cherished most but I didn’t make it a priority like i should have and neither did she. Ignorant is the excuse. 2) my temper; not that i went out of my way to be angry but i did give her and the kids more than they deserved when they didn’t meet my expectations. I can definitely say I was not the monster she spewed her blame shifting and justifications at when i discovered the affair. All her relatives have never spoken a unkind word about me as a person, father and provider. I don’t smoke, drink and have a strong set of moral values that place family above all. We have a tremendous challenge for the rest of our lives caring for a severely autistic child that we struggle to think who will care for when we are gone. What i come to realize is that i am not perfect and that is why God put us here to improve our selves and become more. If she doesn’t want the better me someone else will and that’s her loss. I will not be the doormat for her. his need her needs, was required reading for us both and I have told her that if I don’t get my needs met by her I will find someone who will.

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