In light of what’s been going on around the world with respect to COVID-19 – and since many of us are stuck at home – we thought it might be a good idea to check in, start a coronavirus discussion, and perhaps offer a platform for the EAJ community to support one another.
COVID-19 is turning out to be a life-changing event for many of us. I certainly don’t need to go into all the details as I’m sure you’re getting your fill through the conventional media and/or social media.
Luckily, Linda and I are chugging along just fine for now (knocking on wood). But for many of you this is a scary time, as even more uncertainty has been suddenly thrust upon you.
Linda’s school is closed and she is adjusting to teaching from home with just a laptop. I’ve been working from home for about 10 years now, so nothing much has changed for me.
We’re social distancing ourselves (though we’ve been doing a good job of that anyways since January!), spending a lot of time doing some home projects and binge-watching several shows on Netflix and Amazon Prime.
We’re stocked up and hunkering down for as long as we need to – or about a month – whichever comes first.
Our concerns are primarily with our family – specifically our parents who are in their upper 80s. Linda’s Mom and my Dad are both being stubborn, as they insist on venturing out into the world to buy groceries, medicine, etc.
Linda is trying to take care of most of that for her mom, but it’s always a battle of wills. My folks, on the other hand, are still 1000 miles a way in Florida and must fend for themselves for a bit longer – which they are totally capable of and are OK with. But we do worry as they are in the highest risk category for this virus.
Suffice to say, life has suddenly become even tougher for many of us.
What You Can Do?
Our friend and colleague, infidelity expert David Feder, MSW, RSW, CSAT, sent out an email earlier in the week that we thought was very good. We wanted to share a portion of it with you:
The degree to which people feel anxiety and stress is directly proportionate to the degree to which we feel a lack control over our present and future. When we look at what is happening at home and around the world, we may feel both a lack of control, as well as, confusion about how to take back control of our lives.
What people do when they feel anxious is they try to get as much information as possible but this can lead to even more stress and fear. Generally speaking, it seems that at times like the current pandemic we live in, the more information we get, the more out of control we feel.
Watching the news and all of the reporting dissect the crisis into the smallest of parts is, I believe, counter productive and actually harmful to our emotional wellbeing. After spending hours this past weekend glued to my television set, I realized that my anxiety only increased and my ability to think clearly started to suffer. So I decided I needed to take control and to help me do this, I decided that I needed to set some healthy boundaries.
What You Can Do?
Consider the following:
1. Control only what you can control.
2. Resist trying to control what you cannot.
3. Get the information you need from reliable sources.
4. Avoid watching the news obsessively. Instead limit the amount of news you listen to or watch each day.
5. Keep a regular routine.
6. Eat 3 healthy meals each day.
7. Exercise regularly through the week.
8. Sleep a minimum of 8 hours per night.
9. Get the support you need.
10. Make sure your choices and actions are made mindfully and with intention.
Controlling what you can control, resist trying to control what you cannot while letting go of the rest is central to the overall emotional wellbeing of each of us.
Never before in our lifetime has the Serenity Prayer been more significant to us all regardless of our spiritual beliefs or religious orientation. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
As always, I sincerely wish you and your family members the best. Physical and emotional health.
David Feder, MSW, RSW, CSAT
**You can visit his website here: https://closeconnections.ca/
Great advice as always from David.
So with that, as part of this coronavirus discussion, please let us know how you are doing. And please feel free to provide a glimpse of what is happening in your community, family, relationship, etc. Basically talk about anything you want to!
Hang in there!
Linda & Doug
25 replies to "So How is Everyone Doing? Special Coronavirus Discussion"
COVID-19 is a life changing event, sorta like an affair.
They both impact and change the way life use to be.
I live in the state of New Jersey and everyday there is something closing down. More people sick. More people dying not enough basic stuff such as toilet paper and cleaning items available.
Can’t go out, can’t visit family or friends, so you make changes. You FaceTime, talk on the phone, try to eat right and exercise. Keep busy.
Just like you make changes to get through affairs.
It will be 9 years since DDay for me and my husband and we have made many changes to get here today. We will be married 49 years this October..
So with change all is possible to survive!
Hi Patsy, Good to hear from you and thanks for your input. You’re right, they are both life-changing events. And both do require changes to be made in various ways.
Things are crazy around here, though we’re not to the point where the Governor is shutting down the state – yet. It’s coming though, I’m sure. This morning I left at 6:15AM to go to the store for my mother-in-law. I figured that it would be a good time and hardly anyone would be there. Wrong! I got there just before the store was opening and there was a line at least a 100 deep just to get in. And I didn’t go anywhere near the meat aisle as it was a frenzy. Crazy times indeed.
Hi All,
Even though we cannot control what is happening, you are all in my prayers. I like to think of this blog as a family of sorts — an island of safety amid the chaos. This holds true whether we are dealing with infidelity or with a virus that will change the face of the world. Even though I don’t know any of you in real life, you are all in my heart and in my prayers.
How have you been coping with the Corona Virus?
Here is how I have been coping emotionally:
-Calling family members and friends just to tell them how much I love them.
-Spending more time than usual in email for all who email. And everyone is always free to email me.
-Spending a lot of time in meditation sending thoughts of love, comfort, and joy
-Praying that no one feels alone.
-Taking time to have deep conversations with my family.
-Doing simple things like sitting on my patio and watching all the birds who come to my bird feeders. Since everything is silent, the beauty of their bird song can be heard and it’s like an angelic symphony.
-Filling up my soaker tub with hot water, a cup of Dead Sea salts, and some aromatherapy oil. Then sitting there and just allowing myself to “be” in the present.
-Giving gratitude for what is right in my life.
-Praying for everyone who might be economically impacted by this pandemic and praying for their safety.
This blog is the place where we do NOT have to engage in social distancing. So please feel free to check in. This is an island of “togetherness.”
Many blessings,
Sarah
Good stuff Sarah. Thanks for offering those suggestions.
From the CEO of Best Self Co.: 7 Strategies For Creating Certainty In Uncertain Times
https://www.facebook.com/276702350/videos/10100586407549138/
With many states requiring us to stay at home, I’m wondering how this is effecting the cheaters out there. I imagine the C-virus has put a serious dent in their affair related activities!
I’ll make this short and sweet. Stay Safe Everyone! Peace!
Well, it’s been about a week since we’ve been under “lock down.” How’s everyone doing?
Not much has changed here but thankfully the weather is getting nicer and we’re able to get outside for lots of fresh air.
One thing that really saddens me is seeing the reports on TV where a person contracted the virus, was hospitalized and ultimately passed away…completely alone. Their families not allowed to visit and/or comfort them in any way. How horrible that must be for not only the victim, but the families as well. I understand the reasons behind this, but my hope is that somehow the hospitals can figure out a way for families to be together at the end – if only for a few minutes.
Here’s a great page pertaining mostly to financial issues and the C-virus: https://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/answers-to-coronavirus-questions/
Thank you so much for keeping things current on the site. Have been reading for awhile but first comment. My husband is still seeing his AP. Our story is long… About two years ago (God..has is been that long) my husband started an emotional affair with a co-worker. I didn’t realize what was going on at the time but she then moved in with us to help us all with finances. He convinced me to include her in our bedroom and that happened a few times before I kicked them both out last Jan. She remained in our lives and he even convinced me that she had to COME BACK this past May. She was with us until this past Oct. when our children and his parents convinced him she had to go. They both have other jobs. He still sees her and although she pays for her own, her lease is in his name. He claims that he isn’t having an affair because I knew about it. He claims she is his other wife and tries to justify this biblically. This was never ok, and I recognize this as abuse. He doesn’t sleep at our house but at a friend’s house…. I asked him to leave again after he decieved our pastor in having her baptised at our church. He claims he doesn’t want our marriage to end and that our four kids and I are his first priority. Yet he continues to be in contact and support her. Through this uncertain time, I have actually done better than I thought. The idea of having any control on my life has left my thoughts. Just living one day at a time, trying to be enough for four kids at home and a husband who can’t make up his mind. Had two different jobs one of which was a positive career change. That job basically ended when they closed the gyms (personal trainer) and my other job at our daughter’s school is on hold. Was growing and processing though those two places and with new support systems, but they are gone now. Counting the blessing that all my kids are home and safe and happy for the most part. Tomorrow is our daughter’s 6th birthday and there will be no party, no grandparents and just the overwhelming idea that I need to make it the best I can for the kids… Just like the last two years. I think I am in a constant state of shell shock… Even a pandemic isn’t surprising. Had some other major familu things happen since this started… My brother was missing and then went on suicide watch due to his wife having an affair. How many times I have considered running away… He got so much attention from my parents and siblings who have basically decided me and my marriage and my kids don’t exist for two years. My world was in chaos before Covid… The bad part of me honestly wants to scream out…. Really, you are all suffering right now? Because you are worried about TP??? The abused suffer in silence daily, and minute by minute make the choice to carry on and do what the can for those they love. Honestly I’m very angry at God… It may take a pandemic to heal my situation. Thank you for reading. Thank you for this outlet… God has this all and everything. I just wish it was all over. Trying to put my trust in him and do the next right thing everyday even if it’s just getting out of bed. (Frozen 2 has been a strange help to me… Anyone else?)
Hi Momfourever,
I felt compelled to reply. On what basis does your husband say an affair is Biblical because she is his alleged second wife?
Excuse my French, but what idiot came up with that one?
And who gives a crap if she was baptized? Putting a whore in holy water doesn’t make her holy. It just makes her a whore with wet hair.
My tolerance for people using religion as an excuse for utter bullshit has been lost.
Let’s all take a look at Judaism since most Christians have never been taught about Jewish law. Since ancient times, Judaism has forbid polygamy. In fact, since ancient times, a woman could divorce her husband if he had an affair. Because the laws were that two people became of one flesh.
People might ask about King David. Well, that was a very long time ago and having several wives was a right reserved only for a king. Even that changed later.
Mom, could I ask why this woman was allowed into the bedroom. And can you tell me what that entailed? Did he force you to sleep in the same bed as both of them? Participate in threesomes?
Sorry, but that is NOT Christianity.
Mom, I am on your side. I cannot imagine how down beaten you must feel to allow your husband to go this far. Why did it take the intervention of your children to get the OW out of the house?
Please tell me more. Because it seems to me you have been gaslit to oblivion.
Hugs,
Sarah
Thank you for your reply… Like I said, I recognize this as abuse. As far as the bedroom stuff goes, he manipulated me in to convincing her to have threesomes, a fact that he uses to make me feel guilty. Looking back I know he did this so he wouldn’t look like it was him. We are still in the house where all this happened. I wrestle with flashbacks, triggers. I try to concentrate on our kids but I grieve the loss of real family.
He knows and admits the relationship was wrong in all ways. But now he says he has a biblical obligation to her to take care of her financially and emotionally and eventually “when I accept her” also sexually. I know this is wrong and I know he continues to make me feel guilty when I tell him no she isn’t your wife. This is adultery, sexual immorality, covetousness, the list goes on…
Today he told me he had birthday presents from the OW for our daughter. I told him she was to have no contact with our kids in anyway in including gift giving. Additionally that she was a bad person and she was trying to turn our 6 yearold against me. He said she was just trying to be her friend and I was being hateful. I left the room and kept my distance. He proceeded to tell me through over 20 texts how hateful, negative, mean, judgemental… I was and that he wants a parenting agreement. This is one example of the rants he throws when I set boundaries.
I let myself get sucked back in when he is nice and apologetic. Sweep things under the rug. Let him convince me that if I can just not freak out for awhile he will come home and we can work on our marriage. I know in my heart that our marriage can’t survive with another woman around.
I know I will have to end up giving an ultimatum… But I have and he just comes back. I don’t know how to leave or make him leave. My biggest fear is him forcing our kids to be around her. The older ones won’t… But the youngest is fascinated by this woman. If not for our kids I would be gone.
How do I get out of this relationship and keep our kids emotionally safe?
I thought we were doing ok even pretty good until this lockdown happened and our stress from personal life and business is through the roof.
Even ok until just a couple days ago he stuck his finger in my face and said “you think you’re so smart. You think you’re smarter than everyone else. I think you’re stupid. Matter of fact I think you are the stupidest person I know” I agreed I was stupid. Looked him right in the eye an said ‘I agree I am the stupidest person.” He knew just to what I was alluding without saying.
All.time. low. I told him yesterday I was sick of him and his stupid company hat I work for and as soon as we were in the clear I am divorcing him which will force a total liquidation of our 100 year old company!
How’s that for dealing with the virus and being on lock down with your cheater???
Not so TryingHard anymore!
Hi TryingHard,
When you divorce him and liquidate all assets, you can calmly look your husband in the eye and say, “Thank you for pointing out my utter stupidity. This caused me to reflect on my stupidity. On reflecting on my stupidity I realize I was stupid to love you, stupid to stay with you, and stupid to work with you. This caused me to get smart and so we are liquidating our company, I am buying a small cottage in France/English countryside/Ireland and I will spend my days gardening and being happy because you are not there. Thank you for turning me into the smartest person in the world. Have fun dying penniless and alone soon to be ex-husband.”
Hope you don’t find what I say offensive. I will tell you personally that I have become A LOT less tolerant of any kind of bullshit – from anyone – since the lockdown.
I guess in crises we a all show our true colors. And we true colors are this: I have no tolerance for cheaters, liars, the extremely selfish, and those who put others in danger. In the past I could think of such people in a more even keeled way. Now I am thinking someone needs to round them all up and put them in Greenland. Of course we would move the natives of Greenland to somewhere nice, if they are nice. But, at this point, I say send em all to Greenland.
I went to the store today and I was the only one wearing a medical grade mask and I had several different pairs of disposable gloves on me. I also wiped down the cart and disposed of the first pair of gloves as I left the store. Everyone was giving me weird looks.
Um. People of America. The corona virus is out there and if we are out there, it’s our duty (in my opinion) to take measures not to be carriers. While these measures might fail, they are better than nothing.
Trying Hard
Tough times that’s for sure….lots of pressure.
Thinking of you….by the way I’ve always thought your are pretty damn smart.
SI and Sarah
Thank you so much for the kind words. Everyone being locked up together is certainly a test for all of us. I read that in China since the lock down has been lifted divorce is skyrocketing!!
H and work together and have since just after DDay and earnest reconciliation. Under normal circumstances that is difficult. We are facing enormous challenges both personally and with our business. And yes sometimes that resentment monster in me raises it’s head and I think I should have just divorced him during discovery.
The strange thing is I didn’t say anything when he blew up at me. He was saying something that I definitely disagreed with but I said nothing. I just looked at him with that look of “did you really say that out loud??” That’s when he came up with the remarks and boy did it trigger me. The total disrespect on so many levels. And I actually didn’t say anything and left the room. One thing I’ve learned is I’m not going to react. I’ve also through practicing detachment not to give him any room to hurt me. It’s actually been my mantra “YOU CAN’T HURT ME. I WON’T LET YOU”.
LOL Sarah P. I will be lucky if I can get a nice trailer to put at the local trailer park. I don’t go anywhere but work and home. Life is crazy. My employees are very fearful and neither H nor I have answers for them. I’ve tried to be kind is words and actions but dang sometimes….
It’s been over 3 weeks since we posted this article and thought I’d check in to see how folks are doing. How are you adjusting to life on lock-down? Any relationship breakthroughs – or breakdowns? What about family issues and social distancing? Other challenges?
We had a nice night last Friday where we got online with our kids and their significant others, using Zoom, and played some online games and just chatted a bit. It’s not as good as having real contact with them, but nice nevertheless. Otherwise, when the weather sucks, Linda and I are chugging along on our baseboard and trim work project (in between real work activities). When the weather is nice, we’re outdoors in the yard.
Today I’m going to spring for a hair trimmer/clipper on Amazon since it’s been about 2 months since I’ve had a haircut! Linda has been managing her roots nicely, so she’s in good shape! 😉
Hi Doug and Linda
Well it’s been ROUGH as it is for everybody. Apparently I and my business are “essential workers”. And man I use that term lightly. We are a materials supplier to the building industry. So at least I’m getting out of the house but navigating unemployment rules, PPP loans, FLCA(crap is that even the acronym??) rules and regulations is certainly out of my wheelhouse and adding extra stress to an already stressful situation. Not to mention the revenue lost during this lock-down.
During the best of times I’m pretty good at keeping triggers and resentment and contempt out of my mind and try to stay positive. But it seems when other non infidelity life stressors abound those negative thoughts come back easily and words are said by both he and I that shouldn’t be said. Here’s the good part. Over the years I’ve worked hard to make sure he can never hurt me again no matter what happens. I will NEVER be vulnerable to that kind of hurt again. And maybe I’m just setting the bar low too.
Since I chose to forgo hair color years ago and embraced my natural maturing hair, my roots are not a problem. H however is in desperate need of haircut as well. I’ve lovingly offered to cut his hairs, LOL there aren’t that many. And I’ve even offered to give him a nice shave when my straight edged razor arrives from Amazon. BWAHAHAHAHA
Glad to hear you two are doing well. Haven’t been able to see my grands for a month with the exception of waiving from the car and Face Time. This hurts the worst. But we are in that vulnerable age group and those little dolls are germ carriers on normal days!!
Hey TH, Boy I’m sorry that things have been so difficult for you regarding the rules and regulations. That is not my forte either as I think I’m too ADHD for that! (I’d never make it as a lawyer or accountant) 😉 This is certainly trying times for business owners. I guess you guys are lucky you’re considered essential as it’s going to be tough for many of these small businesses that are not open right now, to ever re-open.
I hear what you’re saying as far as life stressors and keeping those negative thoughts in check. Luckily, Linda and I get along and actual enjoy being around one another and those types of instances happen rarely. And it’s usually me who gets a short temper.
I tried earlier this morning to buy a Wahl hair clipper/trimmer on Amazon and they’re sold out. Hell, even Wahl doesn’t have any in stock on their website. I guess everyone is their own barber now – and for the foreseeable future. The other night we ordered a pizza and the delivery person told me it was his first day on the job – he was a barber and had to close up shop, but he’s gotta make ends meet somehow.
That sucks you can’t see you’re grand kids – but better safe than sorry. They want their ‘grandma’ around forever, I’m sure.
Trying Hard and Doug
It’s been a tough time that’s for sure. We have a family business and they had to lay off 60 employees the other day. My husband and his partners (my brother and brother -in law) are doing everything they can to keep things going. Conference calls and government calls are the norm these days. I’m proud of how they are handling things…..giving our employees an extra 20% of their wages over and above what unemployment insurance will give them. It’s hard watching things fall apart.
Our four children are still working (from home) for now and the grandkids are all being home schooled now. Our youngest granddaughter said she is missing us and missing getting together this Easter. Hard to believe just last year they were all hunting Easter Eggs in the back yard. It broke our hearts that we couldn’t be with oldest grandchild that turned 10 last week. First grandchild birthday we have ever missed…..sigh.
Interestingly enough we are doing rather well as a couple. We go for walks, he putters in his garage and I loose myself in my studio. We limit our news watching to once a day because otherwise it would mess with our mental health too much. A few weeks ago I decided that this time of isolation was NOT the time to deal with unresolved issues but more about staying positive. Tempting to deal with things as neither one of us can run away but deep down I know that this just isn’t the time.
This morning it suddenly occurred to me that there is no one on earth that I would rather be in isolation with, than him…..I might just tell him that later today. As long as it doesn’t go to his head Lol! I would not have been able to say that in the first few years after d-day. It’s making me realize I might be a lot closer to forgiveness than I thought.
Hey SI, That’s great your husband and his partners are assisting their workers. They should be very proud – and their workers are lucky to have them as employers.
This Easter will certainly be different for us as well. For years we have hosted the annual Easter dinner/get-together, but this year we’re playing it safe and it’s just not going to happen. It’s also our twins 25th birthdays on 4/11 and we can’t really celebrate with them in person – which sucks.
Glad to hear you and your husband are doing well and staying positive. That’s certainly a challenge with all that’s going on.