The other night we were talking about one of our mentoring clients and the extent to which her husband went to in order to not get caught. We won’t get into the details but let’s just say he went to a lot of trouble. Eventually though, he slipped up. Most cheaters do.
In this case, he had purchased some airline tickets for a romantic getaway with his mistress and the airline sent them to his home, where his wife found them. He thought he had them sent to his place of business. Whoops!
Ways cheaters keep their affairs a secret
The affair dating site, Ashley Madison recently polled 110,000 of its members and asked them to divulge the details on how they’ve managed to keep their affairs a secret. According to Ashley Madison, cheaters also do the following seven things to avoid getting caught:
Stay tight-lipped. Eleven percent of Ashley Madison users polled said they kept the personal details of their lives – their home address, their spouse’s place of employment – under wraps before and following the affair, lest their affair partner blow their cover.
Go the distance. Nine percent of respondents said they’ve traveled miles from their home to meet with their lover so they wouldn’t be spotted by anyone they knew.
Hide the evidence. Lipstick on your collar or stray boxers in the backseat won’t fly if you want to stay married. Seven percent of those polled said they made an effort to hide any evidence of their indiscretions.
Foolproof your phone . Six percent of cheaters said they scooped up a second phone or an app like Blackbook so they could chat with their affair partners without being caught.
Maintain the status quo. Five percent of respondents said they avoided making any drastic changes to their appearance when they were cheating.
Use a condom. Only five percent of those polled said using protection to avoid bringing home an STD or getting pregnant was key to keeping their affairs on the down-low.
Don’t leave a paper trail. Two percent of cheaters said they paid for hotels and fancy dinners for two with cash, to avoid getting caught by way of an incriminating credit card statement. (Source: The Huffington Post)
We thought this topic might make for a good discussion, so with that in mind…
To what extent did you or your spouse go to in order to hide or otherwise keep the affair a secret? How did you (or your spouse) cover your trail?
How did you or your spouse eventually get caught?
Please share your experiences and reply to one another in the comment section below.
Thanks!
Linda & Doug
We Understand What You're Going Through. We've Been There.
We've Felt the Same Way. We've Made the Same Mistakes. We Survived.
So Can You!
100 replies to "Discussion – How Do Cheaters Keep Their Affairs a Secret?"
I would say the number one reason cheaters dont get caught is because, contrary to popular belief, they usually have sweet, non jealous spouses who DONT spy on them and trust what they say. It’s later, after the usual accidental discovery, that BS become the “jealous, insecure spies” they get credit for being. My husband actually bragged to his whore about all the “freedom” he had.
Oh Giz, you nailed it. It’s one of the biggest common denominators in affairs. Spouses that love, trust and believe in their cheater. I gave my husband SO much trust that his whore actually used it against me. She tried to convince him that since I trust him SO much, I must actually KNOW about their affair. That I must not love him or care about him. When I began to get suspicious and question him? When I would cry and plead and beg him not to get to close to her? I was only doing it “for show” because I now had “competition”. It meant “nothing” and wasn’t “real”.
By hiding it in plain sight. They started a business together and ran it out of our home. From the start he assured me of the boundaries he was voluntarily putting in place to make me comfortable. He openly acknowledged the pitfalls of having such a close working relationship with a woman. He talked about things that made me think he respected my feelings and was be proactive about protecting them, and our marriage. When the suspicions began, he threw down the ultimate challenge to my trust. Did I really think he was the type of guy who would cheat? And bring her into our home all the time? Around our kids? Have her sit at our table with me? And where would this cheating actually happen? In our home?! How could I think that of him!! How could I ever think he was capable of that!!
How could I indeed. Because that is exactly what was going on. Right before my eyes. Right under my nose. I would have been FAR more suspicious and FAR faster if he had been out of the house a lot. But he was right here.
The words “Hiding it in Plain Sight” have been haunting me all day. That’s exactly what happened. I trusted…..I grieve everyday that my trust was lost. I am now wondering what else is hidden in plain sight.
Shifting, don’t beat yourself up. One of the worst things for me early in recovery was all the little pieces falling into place. So many little details that never added up, suddenly did. So many things that didn’t make sense, now have context. it was excruciating. Like walking around and randomly getting hit with poison darts. I didn’t want to have those thoughts, but my brain seemed to be working constantly in the background to stitch together the missing parts of my life. I hated it, but I know the truth now. I have faced those demons and slowly but surely I am beating them. You are too.
Ditto here, EG, apparently the fact that I was not jealous was “proof” I did not care. I believe my husband came from such a background of jealousy and mistrust that he could not handle being treated otherwise. I was told that since I thought I had “trapped” can I was doing what ever I wanted and that was why I was not jealous. although I was accused constantly of being jealous. go figure, lol. if I could have one wish, I would love to hear a conversation between him and the whore because I know he didn’t think of this crap on his own.
I was also told that the only reason I wanted him after the affair was that I had “competition” and was afraid I would lose him and my cushy life. my understanding of marriage is that when you get married, the competition ends. That’s called dating, not marriage. and I’m not defending him, but I promise you, he seemed genuinely surprised when I said that I still loved him. that is what I think is so dangerous about the affair partners. They magnify any doubts or concerns your spouse may have so that they can have a boyfriend or girlfriend with out having to make any commitments or expose what they really are or anything you have to do an a “real” relationship.
The stories (lies) these Cheaters tell to their BS seems to always be the same with just a twist here or there, it doesn’t matter if it is a man or a woman cheater. Is there an Online class these cheaters take to try & hide/conceal/deceive their betrayal of themselves & their partner????????????
EG & Giz I heard the same lines as you both did. I NOW want her ONLY because someone else wants her (competition)?????? My trying to be more romantic, give her a note everyday to express MY LOVE for her, do things she wanted done on the overdue honey do list, come home earlier from work, ask her for a date, go to a movie, anything I asked or did was NOT REAL to her, it was for show????????? Yes she was right it was a SHOW, a SHOW for HER of MY LOVE FOR HER, but she did NOT watch/hear the same show as I was playing for HER!!!! IT WAS NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE’S BENEFIT!!!!!!!!!! SHE just did NOT get it & she did NOT WANT to get it because she was ALREADY getting it from her Scumbag Married AP!!!!!!!!
Peace to All!!!!!!!!
Could they have succeeded so well in the beginning without our trust and support? Did I facilitate my own nightmare? Did I make it too easy? No worries about the home front. He was so busy at work, coached the kids in there respective sports, how could I make it easier for him?
This while working at a very stressful job, on call 24/7 and actually having to do 3am trips to work! While he is having his diversion, the cooking, shopping, cleaning, homework, school activities, carpooling, md visits were taken care of, by me.
Who was that schmuck?
My husband hid the OW’s info in his contacts under a former colleague who went to work at the White House. She is a lesbian. So, I guess he figured I would never suspect a lesbian friend who worked at the White House. It still makes me shake my head when I think about how he decided who would be the lucky recipient on his phone of hiding his dirty laundry.
I can still remember going through his phone, contact by contact and coming across that piece of information. I remember shaking so bad I could hardly hold the phone to call the number. That was the first knife in my heart.
But the worst was using our 8 year old son as a cover story to have a “guys trip” to see his parents who live many hours away. While my psycho MiL watched our son at night my H slithered off to “hang out” with his skanky OW. Some real “great dad” behavior that was.
Giz – I have to say I agree completely with your initial statement on this thread. What’s so crazy about that is I had really begun to buy all the “your a nut” talk from him. Now when he says things that are completely opposite and he is kind, caring and encouraging I only half believe him.
My question remains unanswered or in answerable why waste my life on whores that had to be hidden if they all believed they were so entitled then why all the drama of hiding lying and abuse and cruelty the point? Oh I forgot monsters only come out to get the next victim Bahahahaha excuse my evil ego it seeks to feel better just not at my expense.
CW has a best friend (now out of town) for 30+ years whose husband died. Went to meet her and comfort her at her brothers house 5 hours away. Turns out it wasn’t her friend she was comforting. Later that friend lied to me to cover her. Think that person is a safe friend for the marriage? Oh but she’s a devout Christian! Really?
Of course his best trick was abusing my naïveté and trust
One thing he did after discovery was to hide her number under a different contact name and of course have a second phone.
Prior to DDay I found an earring in the backseat of his car. When I adamantly inquired hen envied and gaslighted me. I actually kept tring to go back and figure who had been in the back seat but couldn’t come up with anyone but I did just believe it was innocent. I did take a picture of that earring on that day and when I went back to put a time frame on the affair I looked up that photo and tracked the affair back to that time. That was 1 1/2 years prior to DDay 1. What an idiot I WS or am:(
TH:
YOU NEVER WERE AN IDIOT!!!!! YOU WERE THE ONE PERSON ON THIS EARTH THAT UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED & COMPLETELY TRUSTED YOUR PARTNER EVEN WITH THEIR FLAWS, ISSUES, & INSECURITIES!!!!!!
Peace to All
Betrayedchump
That’s very kind of you to say. Thank you
Betrayed, and TH —-
TH, I often feel the same as you, but the truth is, as betrayed said, we were not idiots for trusting and believing our cs. We were taken advantage of, but we were not idiots. We were the ones that wanted to believe the lies etc, because we wanted to keep our families together. Nothing to feel idiotic about with that.
Betrayed, I too wanted to Thankyou for your kind words too, to me the other day, with the move I haven’t been able to reply, until now.
Tryinghard,
I totally agree with betrayed chump, you were not an idiot. You like me, totally trusted your BS as you loved him so much, just like I did. I never believed after 22 yrs. of marriage that he didn’t love me enough to be willing to throw it away for another married tramp for over 3 yrs. This happened over 25 yrs. ago and unfortunately it’s all coming back to haunt me, as I still really don’t know what truly happened and probably never will. I so wish that I had divorced him when I was in my 40’s as it’s so much harder now that I am 70. I just couldn’t accept back then what he had done and then he lied so much even after I received the letter from the OWH telling me that the affair was still going on. I still don’t know if that was true as I couldn’t find any prove at the time. I now know more about affairs and all the signs were there, but I attributed them to his job and the stress of it, not him being late because he was out drinking and dancing with her. What great liar’s they are at covering up what they are doing. I could never look my H in the face and lie to him, it’s not in me to do it, but yet he could. Now he wants me to forgive him again, like I did over 25 yrs. ago, but now that its all back in my brain, I can’t seem to get over that he loved another woman for that long and actually slept with her on two separate weekends. We had only been with each other since we were 16, got married at 18 (stupid mistake) and I was so proud of our marriage, but obviously more than he was. I’m still married, but am very unhappy and still don’t know what to do. Sorry this was so long, just got carried away. Just don’t ever feel stupid, there are a lot of us that were treated the same way and it all comes down to how much we love and trust our partners. That’s what marriage is suppose to be, but in our cases, it backfired. But you can still hold your head up high, you had integrity that’s something the CS can’t ever claim to have. They are the scum of the earth for betrayed the person that loved them more than anything else in the world and they really don’t deserve us.
Maxine6
My story is similar. CS had the OW contact saved as a man. But it didn’t matter because I never scrutinized his phone..I, too, trusted him. After a month where he went over our family phone plan for texting/calling they changes the majority of contact to a phone app called Vox where you can phone call/text for free. Since I manage the budget for the family they threw my H a twist. He secretly went in and changed the verizon password. So when trying to pay the bill, I could not access the account. Bring such a loving husband-he offers to take care of it and I appreciated the help…stupid me. Fast forward a month and I try to get on the verizon account again and decide to reset the password myself. Oh! What a discovery I made that day!
Thanks SR
You know as they say hindsight is 20 20! At the time I found the earring in the car I remember how my heart dropped. I did question him and of course he adamantly denied it. Of course I believed him. He’s and older man with responsibilities how could he want or ever have any time to have an affair?? Besides he was happy in his marriage, right?
They always say the spouse knows. Maybe I knew or my heart wouldn’t have dropped, or rather suspected, but I let him lead me to believe otherwise. I truly chalked it up to being a drama queen. Well I wasn’t a drama queen at all. I was a loving and trusting wife. And I let that love and trust put blinders on me. But how else is one supposed to live unless you’ve been through this kind of betrayal. LOL matter of fact I have and I truly believed he had learned his lesson would never have been that foolish again which only compounded my blindness.
I’ve read a couple of books about people who lie and how you can spot a liar. Nothing is fool proof however since having read those books I think I am better at Liar Spotting. And yes it took the greatest deception of all for me to look into it. How is anyone supposed to protect themselves or get educated about deception, betrayal, infidelity unless you go through it and educate yourself. I sure didn’t the first time and quite frankly I had bigger fish to fry like raising my sons and getting my education.
I guess the point is: If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, IT’S A DUCK!!! no matter how much we want to believe otherwise. That’s one thing the books point out is that liars are so good at lying because we WANT to believe them. Not believing them is too heartbreaking. So half their battle is won right there in our own prejudice. It would be a shame though to go through the rest of life assuming everyone is lying to you. And I know I have lots of liars in my life!
SR, so happy to hear you are over the move. I truly hope things get better for you and Cousin Monster It leaves you and your family alone.
Don’t forget denial. Sometimes an affair is not so difficult to hide when the betrayed spouse chooses to keep his/her head in the sand. This is by no means the same as trust, more of a pathetic desire to not want to have their lives shaken. Every sign is there. Every clue is blazing in bright lights. How many times must her husband come home reeking of another woman’s perfume for her to admit to herself what everyone already knows? Sometimes I think the worst part of the affair being out in the open in the embarrassment for admitting you ignored the signs. Yes, ignored. No woman or man is that clueless or stupid.
I think denial plays a role in it, but for most it is not a conscious denial. While there were signs, there were also plausible explanations. It is easy to excuse one thing at a time, and lose sight of the sum total. When I wavered, I always came down on the side of trust. In many ways I don’t regret that. I am not embarrassed. He screwed up. He cashed in morals, his values and his integrity. It is the very fact that I believed in him so undeservedly that hurts him terribly today. He is the one who hangs his head in shame and embarrassment. Hindsight is always 20/20. In every area of life. So many things are obvious NOW, only because we hold all the pieces to the puzzle. The picture on the box seems obvious. Back then, it did not.
Betrayed
Denial Does play a part sometimes and I can only speak for myself.
My husband never came home reeking of other perfume. He was never out late without me. There were no texts and I didn’t check. There was no lipstick on the collar. He wasn’t working out or dressing spiffier . None of the traditional signs. I was suspicious because things weren’t quite right with us but I chalked it up to age and being under a lot of stress at work.
I’m sure there are some spouses who look the other way but that’s not me. I found that earring but it was also quite plausible that it was someone else’s and well I trusted him. That was by far the dumbest thing to do. Trust. Who’d a thunk that! Trust now there’s a stretch for a 36 year marriage!!!
Also from all the blogs and literature I have not yet read or heard of one story where the betrayed spouse said oh yeah I knew he was fooling around but I just looked the other way. Maybe that works in other parts of the world but not with American women. I think it’s another sad cliche established by the media and affair partners.
Yes I always had a bad feeling about the OW from the first time I met the bitch. My son even said he saw her flirting with his Dad he just didn’t believe his father would have anything to do with such a low class person.
I really wish everyone would quit beating themselves up for trusting their spouses. You are not the”idiots”, the cheaters are. Like Trying said, most things arent black and white, and have reasonable explanations. And just about anything can be innocent, or not. I can tell you right now, I do a lot of “suspicious” things. On my phone all the time. Reading on kindle app, googling stuff, looking at facebook, reading emails. I like to be alone a lot, if I had to supply alibis, I probably couldn’t. I dont always tell my husband where I go or what I do, just cause I’m naturally “secretive”, lol. Like sometimes I take off work a little early, and I dont like committing to stuff, so I just kind of ramble. Get a bite to eat, visit little shops, walk, stare into space… I like to hang out in the bedroom by myself sometimes, reading or looking at facebook or watching tv. I am an introvert, and a loner. I am cautious with phone cause I dont always want him seeing what I read, like this blog. Really, all this could be taken either way, suspicious or innocent. Which by the way, it is totally innocent. And there is no telling WHAT you might find in my car, lol.
Just to add a few for others who may be looking for evidence. CW had second phone, trac phone. Called it the bat phone. Also secret second facebook account and email account. Only accessed at work or the library.
I haven’t seen many original cheater methods on here, although I’m sure they all think they’re James Bond. Mine hid whore under a man’s name, used a name close to her first and her last name, which I did not know. Then changed last name so I knew it was a fake. What a dumass. He later put her under a fictitious female name who he said was a customer. Ewwwww.
I dont look at his email but did a few months ago. When I did a search on her last name, hundreds of emails I’d never seen popped up, all very old. Dont know where they came from. He would forward all these stupid joke emails to himself, then blind cc them to her and his friends. What a waste of time. I didn’t see any break in the dates, so I guess he never really stopped til I threw his ass out. Pathetic.
I dont see any of these other folks emailing him anymore so I dont know if he grew up, finally, or has a secret email. There is a service, spokeo, that finds secret emails and social profiles based on phone numbers I guess. Did that once a long time ago, but had a hard time canceling.
I have a couple of emails set up myself but dont really use them. Just have to give out for people I dont want to give real email to. There are soooo many ways to avoid detection. Apps that forward texts, delete them, hide them, etc. but technology is usually what gets them caught, and gives you proof. Like last night at dinner I paid with my debit card, using one of the Square card readers. It didn’t ask for my email but sent a receipt to my email. Showed every detail, time, date, place, items ordered, price, even my signature. That would be hard evidence to deny if you were creeping, lol.
My idiot H would get concert and theatre tickets sent to our house, but as we don’t open each other’s mail, I didn’t see what was inside the envelopes. And he used to surprise me, so I assumed any tickets were for the two of us for a later date. I would suggest to anyone who is suspicious of their H or W to check their car! I found aftershave that was given to him by her, and also expensive chocolates that he was going to give her. How I enjoyed smashing that bottle of aftershave with a hammer in the garden!! And then I felt sick to find her address in his Satnav. Something I didn’t realise at the time was how he would come in very late and dash into the shower before I could smell her perfume. I discovered his EA when he left his emails open, and one of them was addressed to a restaurant where he was complaining about the service. I assumed he’d taken clients there, but when I mentioned the restaurant he said he’d never been there!! That was the most devastating moment of my life because by lying he’d made it obvious. And then I discovered it was with someone he worked with that I knew. Double betrayal, which gave me the shock of my life. Now I’m suspicious of everything. It gets on his nerves, but I can’t be that trusting person that he wants back!
I sure didn’t keep my head in the sand in regards to my husbands 3 yr. affair. After over 25 yrs. of marriage, which I thought was a pretty good one, I received a letter from the cheating woman’s husband, along with the love letters that my husband wrote to her. I was in so much shock that I don’t even remember driving home after my 2 daughter’s intercepted the letters in the mail. But onto some of the tactics that he used to deceive me. She worked in one of the satellite branches and was a secretary and he was a senior executive. She came on to him at a conference, they had both been drinking and then they got together for lunch a week or so later. She gave a Christmas party and my husband insisted that we should go, after all she worked at the branch and it would be rude not to. I told him we shouldn’t go, but he had already gotten wrapped up in her. He actually took me to her home, where her husband and 2 children and other’s were there for the party. Acted totally normal, except that he drank to much and when I told him we had to go he got very angry. Never danced with me, but insisted that he had to dance with the host. Then he arranged for me and her husband to go for drinks together with other office staff a couple of times. I trusted him so much, so when he said he had to work a little later, that’s what where I thought he was. The weekends that they went on I thought were Rotary functions. I found lipstick on his collar once and he told me it came from where the secretary hugged his neck when she wished him Happy Birthday. He kept breath spray in the glove compartment and I saw it, asked about it and he told me he used it when he had to take clients out to lunch. Some of the other signs that I didn’t recognize was that he was drinking more, arguing and finding fault with me for no reason. Losing weight, buying bikini underwear and enjoyed partying more than usual. He also got into buying 45 records all of a sudden, like he was back in high school. Sometimes I couldn’t reach him at lunch, but they were always business lunches, but not really. He was so sneaky, he would always take her to a dark lounge, away from anyone at work or our home to have drinks and dance with her. He also didn’t seem to be as interested in sex as much as usual either, but I attributed all this to him being tired from working so hard. The same thing with going swimming or in the spa with our new pool, he was all talked out from being with her that evening. I think the one thing that he did that was so smart was when I got the first letter telling me that my husband was having an affair and did I know where he was that weekend? He was gone, but I thought it was a business conference because he did go on a lot of them. I finally reached him at 6 that night, after crying all day and so upset. He told me that he had fired this man’s wife and he was just trying to get even with him and get him in trouble. He would never cheat on me. He even offered to leave the conference and come home right then. Stupid me, told him “No, I believe you, I know you wouldn’t do that to me, so finish the conference.” That’s how much I trusted him. Do you think he stopped the affair, No and he wasn’t at a conference, he was with her for there first weekend together. That’s how stupid I was and trusting. When he came home, I hugged his neck and told him how glad I was to see him and of course he wanted to see the letter as he was going to take it to work with him. SO MUCH TRUST WHEN YOU TRULY LOVE SOMEONE! I never thought of calling this witches husband and then I would have found out the truth. Now I know all the signs, but it’s to late, the damage has been done. We are still together, but the trust is gone and right now I’m not so sure there is any love left.
Maxine I feel terrible for you and all the others thrown into this situation of having to be a detective to find out what is going on in your own life. It really stinks.
I found out about my CH’s affair, round 2 by calling the OW. They started an EA and he ended it but was addicted to her it started up a few months later.
I read emails where he talked about leaving me and kids. How he was not sure what he wanted.
So I told him to leave. Go to her. We are done. Nothing left.
Secret email accounts, using skype because he knew I had access to the wireless account, etc. Same as everyone else’s story. He was good at hiding it. Everything was a business event, dinner, drinks and this was not unusual since that was part of his job for 20 years.
I have forgiven him for dragging me into his mid life crisis and causing all of the drama. However I have had to reconcile he is a coward, a liar, a fake and phony. But I love him and always will but my respect for him and trust of him cannot ever be repaired.
I take it day by day. And I am lucky b/c my CH has made amends and has changed. He truly is sorry and remorseful. People make mistakes and can be forgiven. However I am not stupid and now protect myself emotionally, financially and have prepared myself to possibly be alone and single. I am recreating my life just for me.
My two children will be in college in a few years. That will be my next chapter and hopefully still married. As long as he never ever screws up again. No more chances.
CBb,
I forgot to mention that my CH didn’t show remorse after the 3 or 4 yr. Affair, didn’t stop drinking except when I left him twice and wouldn’t come back unless he stopped drinking. That lasted 6 months, the non-drinking that is, before he would ask if he could have a drink on the weekends at dinner and you can imagine how that progressed. He’s only showing remorse in the past 6 months or so and I think it’s because he really feels like I don’t want him anymore and he sure doesn’t want to be alone, sell the house, etc. We are both mentally worn out, but yet he just can’t seem to give me the one thing I want and that’s the total truth. So many things I don’t believe, they just don’t make sense to me. But anyway, I forgot to mention that, since you seem to be in a better place right now than I do.
Doug and other’s told me to always check the box under the comment but I don’t see one on mine after I write my reply.
Take care, Maxine6
Maxine my H had an EA for 2-3 years in grad school with someone who was my friend. This was before cell phones, emails, etc like we have now.
I suspected something and confronted him but without any proof, I had to let it go.
You cannot imagine my shock when his last EA of last year told me about her and knew her name. My CH admitted to her that he had an affair with this grad school girl. I now had confirmation. I don’t believe it was sexual but it happened 17 years ago and I forgave him.
So when it came back up to haunt me almost 17 years later, I was in the exact position you are in now. I think the difference is that he now admitted it was an inappropriate relationship and that he was wrong but denies it was anything more than an EA. It bothered me for 6 months.
One night when I was rock bottom and he was begging me to stay after his last EA, I was just done with him. I told him I should have divorced him in 1997 when he acted inappropriately and that he always said I was wrong and there was nothing going on and they were just friends. I knew she was madly in love with him and would tell him to watch himself.
And you wonder how I can stay married to him?
I love him but I am not stupid. I have shown him what a good person and understanding person I am and how I am able to forgive him.
But there are no more chances. And if I see an email or text or action in front of me that is inappropriate, we are finished. I trust him about 99%. I am prepared to be divorced if necessary.
But I know I am good with him or without him. I can be happy if married and happynif single. I am just happy by nature. Last 12 months were rough but I faced it, made good decisions, never strayed too far from my true self. I like me, even if my CH does not or did not or was just confused and made some bad choices b/c of his mid life crisis.
But you can put the past behind you. It was the hardest thing I have had to do. I have faced some health issues since I was young and have a permanent disability as a result. You would not know it to look at me but I had to factor in that my H was going to divorce me and leave me with two children whondo not yet drive, making it a bit more of a challenge for me. But I was OK with that.
Through therapy I learned alot about me, him, life and all that stuff.
You cannot change others, only yourself. I hope you can get past this chapter to find that there is something better awaiting you. I was so depressed last year, suicidal (secretly, did not even share with my therapist) and wracked with stress and anxiety. Now it is a 100% turn around.
So you understand, my H had me on a roller coaster last year. He told me in Nov he was leaving me b/c he could not give me what I deserved. It was actually for his OW but I did not know they were still seeing each other. Next day he begged me to take him back as he realized it was a mistake. So we reconcile and it is great.
One week later out of the blue he ends it again (I still had no idea the OW was still in the picture). A few hours later he begs me to take him back. I am like a yo-yo. What the heck is going on? This is like a crazy crazy dream or the person you have spent 30 years with is having a breakdown or mental trauma because this is crazy.
So I called the OW and she told me everything. Now it all made sense.
So threw him out and told him we were finally done with this charade.
So it was ugly and hurtful and devastating. It got worse before it got better. 4 months ago I was about to throw our 25 year marriage away b/c we had nothing left.
Therapy for me was important, this blog was crucial and my children were a major part of my choice to stay and try. Once I let go of the past and got the apology I needed and saw him changing, we were able to recover. Funny thing is now I say I don’t want to talk about it, not him. When I let go of my resentment & anger, I was able to see things I was not able to see such as his true remorse and attempts to fix things between us. All I saw was negativity and no hope.
I am not saying my H was perfect and did all the right things after the EA was exposed, but he was trying hard, I just did not see it all accurately.
Our marriage is better and we now communicate in a whole new level. I hung in there when the odds were against us. Statistically we had about a 15% chance of making it given where we were.
And by the way we are both grateful for this opportunity. Last year I was preparing for divorce.
So it can turn around Maxine. But it is up to you to make it happen.
My H does not make me happy, I do. He is just along for the ride. That is what I learned from this experience.
I hope you can hang in until the new therapist can see you. Hopefully it will be the first step to getting you back to a happy life.
My prayers to you.
Onevweek later he walks in the house and ends it. Outbof the blue
You know, you are so right, cbb. I’d been having pretty positive thoughts about my husband last night, no triggers, etc. but I looked over at him and out of nowhere everything he has done flashed into my mind. A gigantic wave of complete, utter disgust for him just washed over me. Out of nowhere. It was disturbing.
And we should not blame us as the BS. I truly believe most times there are no signs or very plausible explanations fir things that may appear out if context.
As an example aftervi knew about the EA and was told it was over, the secret contact started up again. One of my CH’s more brazen moves was to go to chicago on a business trip. He had two full days of meetings and would fly home mid week. He actually flew home a day early to spend the night at a partyvwith the OW. She actually told me about it when I called her to find out what was going on.
When confronted, he denied it for 2 days. Then admitted it. In those 2 days I checked the Amex bill and sure enough, the OW/AP was telling the truth.
I never, ever checked before on flights or hotels, etc. My husband travels weekly so this was nothing new.
So I do not feel like an idiot for being a kind, caring, trustful person. I feel like he abused my love, respect and kindness for his own selfish purposes. He can live with that the rest of his life.
CBB
Of course not! Do you think he could get away with that behavior now?
The do go to such extents and it is unbelievable. How is someone so desperate for attention come up with these schemes? It takes a real talent and nerve!
Yes there are many plausible explanations and we do believe them. Why not?
CBb,
I hear what your saying, they do go through a lot just to get something from the person that they don’t even question, what kind of a person am I involved with? Someone who would lie to their spouse and with no regard to the families that are going to get hurt. Would they introduce this person to there friends and family, probably not. They plan a hour or two get away, have to lie to there spouses, then come home to the spouses that are waiting home for them to show them love? All this for a little extra ego stroking from a liar? If they used there head instead of other parts, they would be able to see through the kind of person that they fooling around with.
These people are worth all this? Mine actually told me this week that he thought if I ever found out that I would forgive him and not kick him out. Even though he knew otherwise as we discussed it many times. Even when I got the first letter warning me after the affair had been going on for 8 months, he felt that he could do a better job of covering up what they were doing, as he was so smart. If he thought he was so smart, why didn’t he think that her husband knew where I lived, where he worked and could send me another letter? Which did happen 3 yrs. later and he couldn’t deny it then.
It amazes me that cheaters think they can change there appearance for the other cheater, ignore there wife, do all kinds of different things and especially now with the internet and computers (which I didn’t have 25 yrs. ago, unfortunately) that a smart spouse can find out when things aren’t right. Yet they have such a big ego and are so caught up with this new plaything, they throw all caution to the wind to do what they want and then expect the BS to forgive them.
I made that mistake and wish I hadn’t. If he hadn’t lied so much in the beginning I would have left him.
Just my two cents worth.
Maxine6
CBb,
No, you shouldn’t feel like an idiot for trusting him. I was such a loving, sexual and caring wife that did everything for my husband to make him happy, even after 25 yrs. I loved him as much then as the day I married him. I had put up though with so much with his controlling behavior, not being a good Father and social drinking way to much at times. I had so many conversations with him at night about how wrong it was, but he would never listen. So, I would forgive him, try to focus on his good qualities, which was earning a very good living and doing our finances. I still felt the love from him also as he was always affectionate with me and our sex life was also good. But now when I look back on our life, I realize that he never really did anything special for me, like going out of his way to surprise me. He would complain about Christmas and birthdays, not knowing what to get me. If he had paid attention I had tried to show him when we would go shopping, but he didn’t. So my point is, I didn’t matter as much to him as he did to me.
I feel like such a fool for always trusting him, like the rest of you. I remember making love to him, buying extra sexy things to wear as he seemed to need that to be more interested in me. I thought that might be normal after almost 25 yrs. of marriage. The truth was, his mind was on her and the newness he provided to her. I think back on those 3 yrs. and feel so dirty that we were making love and he could have just come from having drinks with her. I just don’t understand how a man can do that to his wife if he truly loves her. His comments are, he still loved me, but took me for granted. I’ll never believe that! If you love someone you don’t fool around with someone else. What baffles me is, I had told him numerous times how I felt about affairs and he knew that my Dad was having one at the same time that he was and how hurt my Mom was.
After I received that first letter warning me, if I hadn’t been so trusting, I should have called the OW husband and then the affair would have ended then, not over 3 yrs. later. He tries to minimize it as he says they didn’t see each other very often. They started out at once a week, then later after I got the first warning letter, they calmed it down for a while. Yet, I know he loved her, because I had to meet with her twice to find out the truth. He was very defensive about the whole affair, no remorse and to this day I question this and he can’t come up with a reason why he wasn’t remorseful. That’s not love to me, but yet I still loved him and tried to save the marriage. He definitely stopped seeing her, just not sure if it was when I got the next letter or it was the year before like he keeps telling me. The letter, along with his love letters to her said it was still going on, but I couldn’t find any proof. People at his job knew about it, our friends knew about it and one was going to talk to him, but then he thought it was over, so he didn’t. They started to be more careful and cut down how often they saw each other. I so wish they had told me about it, as we did so much together with them. He worked for my husband and was so upset when he realized that he was cheating on me. I would tell anybody, please let the other person know, they deserve to know the truth and protect themselves from the headache affairs bring to you.
Gizfield, you said that you looked at your spouse the other night and had feelings of disgust and I sure can relate to it. I do the same thing and it’s so sad. I don’t know how you ever get over that and get the respect back for someone who betray’s you. Yet, some people do.
CBb, If you don’t respect or trust your husband, how is it possible to still love them? I thought marriage was based on those qualities? I’m not saying that to be mean, as I stayed with my husband for another 25 yrs. after the affair because I loved him also. I never felt the respect for him though, so I guess I answered my own question. It’s all so hard isn’t it? Would be have been able to forgive him and love him if he hadn’t shown remorse after you found out what he had done?
I keep questioning why I stayed with him 25 yrs. ago when he didn’t show remorse to me, he was just trying to protect himself and me leaving him. If only I hadn’t been in so much shock from what he did, I think I would have made different choices. Now I’m 70 yrs. old, not 40 and leaving him is a lot harder now. He’s finally making amends this past 6 months, stopped drinking over 2 yrs. ago, but now I can’t get what he did out of my mind. I’ve tried anti-depressants, am on nerve medication and nothing is working for me. I need to find another counselor to talk to as I am so depressed. I don’t have any joy for life anymore and the only thing keeping me alive are my 7 grandchildren that I love dearly. My 2 daughters are mad with me for bringing this all up again, at least my son doesn’t judge me.
Well I’m totally off the subject and I’m so sorry. I need to write my story on this site and never have. To be honest, I’ve gotten frustrated with it because I will respond to someone’s story and I never get any response in return. It’s almost like it’s a waste of time for me. Yet, this site offers so much help in the examples that are given. I was also happy to hear from someone this morning, so I thank you for that.
Take care, Maxine
Trying hard hit the nail on the head. You are stuck in warp for a few reasons, one of which is the way your CH has treated you throughout the marriage, not just the cheating. Two you are giving him the power to continue to dominate your life. Here are a few things I learned throughout this ordeal:
1. You are responsible for your own happiness.
2. You have control over your life – if you want to take a yoga class, take it, evempn if your H laughs at the idea. Do some things for you.
3. You are feeling unloved and unattractive right now. We all have been there. You need to turn that around.
4. You can only truly count on yourself. Friends and family sometimes are no help at all. Don’t let them drag you down further. I had family members yell at me for getting upset over things. Really?!
5. The affair was never about your marriage. You were a perfect spouse both before, during and after the affair. However the CHeating spouse will use every available means to justify the affair. I was told some pretty mean things. At first I defended myself and then I stopped that as it was falling on deaf ears. But just know that the affair was to bolster the ego or allow the CS to feel flattered by someone else’s attention. In reality, often times, the OW are drunks, low life’s, classless and other names I will not use, but suffice to say they are losers. Don’t allow yourself to be compared to such a person as you are better than that!
6. The affair was about your CH and his lack of morals, character, etc. He made the bad choices. How crazy is it that the person who we love so much, cheats on us, and then tries to make it our fault, is the one wecturn to? And then to heal we allow the person who destroyed us to make it better. That is crazy if you ask me.
7. I got past this when my CH FINALLY admitted to a few things or I would be stuck where you are. Hopeless and miserable. Unloved and disrespected. But I decided I needed to change my life for me and my children. I prayed alot and continued to go to church and was able to summon the courage to stand tall in front of him and kick him to the curb. It broke my heart but it had to be done. And that is when it all changed for me.
I got my power and mojo back.
Six months later I am at peace and happy but I have grown. I challenge myself every day and now he is afraid I will leave him. I love him, see his good qualities and recognize I can forgive his sins and lying. But I am not stupid, financially I am taking care of myself and live day to day with him. I hope we can make it together for thecrest of our lives BUT there are no guarantees, he is extremely remorseful and sorry and tries to make it up to me everyday.
But I lived with the jerk for six months that rationalized the affair, refused counseling, treated me poorly at times and had a mid life crisis that I was forced to witness. He became unglued and unlike the person I knew for 30 years. Much the same as your CH.
But it changed when I finally got the apology I needed. That made all the difference and it could for you too. But if youbare not going to get that, you have to learn to live with the apology you will never get and still have a happy life. Therapy saved me. Maybe it can for you with a different counselor.
Get your life back, your power and control. Start going out and doing things you enjoy. Maybe if you change, he may come around and see you in a different light.
Hi CBb,
Everything you are saying is so true. I don’t blame myself for anything that I didn’t do. He’s never blamed me for that either, he takes full responsibility for his actions, both 25 yrs. ago and even now since it’s all come back to me.
I hear you telling me to do Yoga, whatever makes me happy and he is encouraging me also, but I am so depressed that I have no desire to do anything, not even get dressed. I use to feel pretty, now I don’t even care anymore. I looked my best at 40 and what good did it do, so I don’t care what he thinks about what I look like now. He doesn’t cut me down about it and is treading on thin ice with me and knows it.
I also have panic attacks and as someone else mentioned, I believe that all of these events haunting me is now PTSD. I can hardly sleep, find no joy in life, etc. I use to in my grandchildren, but they are all grown up and hardly ever see them anymore as they have jobs, friends and one is battling cancer right now.
I know it wasn’t about me, she just was someone new, he was turning 40, didn’t get one promotion he expected to get, but still at the top of the ladder of the corporation. She was married to a blue collar worker and seemed to directly put her sights on him that night at the conference with her flirting and ego stroking. No one had ever done that so openly to him before, except me (but I’m not one that flirts, I’m just affectionate, gave him compliments and did everything for him) and he really enjoyed it.
I’m unsure after reading your message if you left your CH for a few months or not? I do know that if I had my CH tell me that he wanted to be with the OW, I would have done the same thing that you did, go to her, I don’t want you.
So, I’m not sure if you left him for a while or not. I can’t support myself as I never had a career, except raising our 3 children. Money is not a problem, however. If I wanted to separate I could afford it. It’s just so hard to take that step when you can hardly get out of the house because you are so depressed. Oprah once said and I’m not sure if this quote is accurate. “The life you thought you were going to have is not the life you have now.” It’s so hard for me to accept that because I worked so hard in our marriage, he worked at his job, not so much the marriage and we should at our age be so happy now. All because of his weakness, drinking, ego trip, did this all change to become what it is now, nothing but misery for both of us. He’s just now trying to make it work and I don’t know if I want to even be with him.
I’m going to give medication a try, go back for one more time to marital counseling and if that doesn’t work, then I will quit. I wish you the best also and thanks for taking the time to write me.
Maxine6
Maxine6, I mentioned the PTSD. I had the panic attacks and yes, my main symptom was (is) anxiety. It’s better but has never gone away. My first husband was a certified alcoholic, and if that doesn’t cause PTSD, I certainly don’t know what does. The worst experience of my life, personally. My past is filled with losers, alcoholics, druggies, liars, cheaters, etc. Wasn’t looking for another one. I picked my current husband cause I thought he wasn’t any of those. My bad. That’s why I have no tolerance for it.
Gizfield,
Sorry to hear you are have to deal with panic attacks and then all the other. Life can be so unfair, can’t it? I never had any of this till after the affair over 25 yrs. ago. The glass was always have full, now I live in a life of darkness. I use to laugh all the time and really enjoyed life, except when he drank to much or was so controlling. I came from a very poor family, thought I had found a good man who I dearly loved and thought he did me also, but I was wrong.
We also had alcoholism in our home, my brother died from it, my Dad used to drink and gamble, but did stop after my brother died. We went to bed hungry sometimes and my Dad had 3 affairs. I still love him and sadly it looks like he is suffering at the end of his 94 yr. old life. He made my Mom’s life miserable and she couldn’t afford to leave with 6 children, one being in an institution. She couldn’t drive, her life was hard, period. She died at 80 and she wasn’t gone a month before Dad started seeing the woman he had before she died. I love him, but I stopped looking up to him a long time ago. We are still close, but now his demincia is getting worse.
So my life hasn’t been easy and I thought when I got married that with our love and hard work we were going to have a good life together with love. I never dreamed it would have turned out this way.
Thanks for the insight,
Maxine6
Thank you, Maxine6. And you are welcome. I am so sorry to hear of your grandsons’s illness. That must be horrible for you. And also your family’s problems in the past.
I wonder if your grandsons’s illness might be the trigger for your current problems regarding your husband’s past infidelity. A couple of things I’ve discovered about trauma are that 1) it’s cumulative. Whatever happened in the past builds a foundation for now. 2) the trauma doesn’t have to be the same “type” to cause the effect. For example, my husband’s adultery builds on my first husband’s alcoholism and abuse and makes it worse. I think it really has more to do with the emotions connected to the trauma than what the activity was specifically. This is completely speculation on my part but it makes sense. I don’t always agree with “trauma makes you stronger” and all that cause it’s made me weaker, but I do think it can make you more mature. Which is a good thing, lol. At one point in my life, let’s say there would have been one SORRY whore, and leave it at that, lol.
I think the main emotions involved with trauma are hurt and anger. Forgiveness can take away anger, but can still leave the hurt. For example, my parents adopted me, but chose not to tell me and I found this out in a very not-nice way. I forgave them years ago. I figure they were doing the best they could and had reasons for this. However, my first cousin posted 81st birthday wishes to my aunt today. This lady is my birth mother’s sister-in-law. I really like her, and my uncle, who is deceased. But due to my parent’s choice to conceal my identity from me, I have an entire family I don’t even really know. It made me really sad because these people are my family and I have not even met most of them. That is hurt, and it’s still there and always will be. I actually cried a couple of tears this morning, which is monumental for me because I NEVER cry. Ever. For several years now. All this is just my opinion, as always.
Hi Maxine
When you make a comment make sure you check the box at the bottom of your comment so you get an email when someone responds. If you are checking back at the blog you have to click the refresh button on your browser for new comments to show up.
I’m sorry you feel no one responds to your comments. Not everyone reads every post so please don’t take it personally or that we don’t care. Because the fact is we do care. The readers on this blog are some of the most compassionate folks out there. We don’t judge but sometimes we do express our opinions pretty strongly. OK well I do at least!!!
It sounds to me that you pushed all your husbands crap under the rug that many years ago and it’s still there. That’s what happens when you try to “just get over it”, which was and has been the total reaction from everyone back in the day. No you don’t get over it unless you thoroughly deal with it.
I understand you depression and I think you should talk to your physician about it. Something else may be going on too. Check it out. Shame on your daughters for being mad at you for bringing it up again. They must have a very privileged life that they can’t empathize with your pain. I do not advocate leaning on your friends and family when dealing with this crap. It’s imperative to get a counselor but first you need to check out your physical well being. Don’t sit there and say you have to find a counselor, do it. You don’t need anyone’s permission. You are an adult and in charge of your own health. No one is going to come and get you and insist you do it.
As I said to you in an earlier post, no one is stuck unless they choose to be stuck. There’s a lot you can do that will bring joy to your life. Looks like you are well on your way with your grandchildren. Remember we are NOT defined solely by our marital status and the love our mates have or don’t have for us. We are loved by many people. Find those folks and find your value. It’s there just waiting for you to dig it up!!!
tryinghard,
I will respond later as I have a bad headache right now. I do know how compassionate people are on this site and that’s why I’ve stayed with it. If I hit reply above what I’m writing to you, it asked for your name and I’m not sure if that’s my true name of my screen name, Maxine6? It also ask for Website, which I don’t know what that means? So now I’m more confused and I’ve been on this site for over 2 yrs. and never seen this before. I did put in the wrong password at first, so maybe that’s the problem? I corrected it though. Any help would be appreciated. I’m going to rest now and I’ll write a response to you later.
Hopefully you will get this,
Maxine6
Hi Maxine, always use your screen name when on the site, otherwise your real name will be broadcast to the Internet. I doubt you really want that. You do not need a password or anything to make comments, just enter your email and username at the bottom of the post you want to comment on. If you ever have any questions or anything you can also use the contact form: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/contact-us/
Doug,
Mine automatically fills in. Just got confused with the web address. No I sure wouldn’t put my real name on here, but thanks for the reminder.
I did think you did put your screen name when you logged in, along with your password. I wasn’t aware of using your e-mail to log in.
So I think I’m doing it right now.
Thanks, Maxine6
The email isn’t really a login per se. It’s only used for comments. It allows non-members to make comments. If you are a member, and it appears that you are, you can login with username and password if you desire.
Tryinghard,
Sorry it took so long to respond to your helpful post. I’ve just been so depressed and can’t seem to do anything. I am still trying to get an earlier appointment with the psychiatrist, I call everyday for cancellations. Will call about one therapist I heard about on Monday, she sounds promising. I want a women this time, the last two were men that we went to and I don’t feel that they understood the word empathy.
My husband is responsible for letting one of our daughters in on our problems when he told her about me bringing it back up after 25 yrs. She then told our other daughter and they told him that he shouldn’t answer any of my questions, it was crazy on my part to be asking questions now. I was so angry with him for bringing them into it, it was so unfair. One especially now treats me with no respect, lives 10 minutes away and we never see her. She’s the one that has the son with the cancer that returned. You would think she might feel some compassion for the humiliation that she saw me go through 25 yrs. ago and actually handed me the letter telling me about the affair. She is very much like her Dad, a total lack of emotions. The other daughter isn’t quite as bad, but we still never hear from her very much. They both actually wrote me a letter telling me that if I didn’t stop that they were going to distance themselves from me and that if I kept it up that I was going to destroy the family unit. No grandchildren to watch get married, etc. I never talk to them about it.
Unfortunately I don’t get the joy from the grandchildren anymore, due to there jobs, college and some don’t live close to me. The 7 of them gave me so much joy and helped me get through those 20 yrs. and I had decided to move on with my husband.
I don’t discuss it with friends anymore as I don’t want to depress them with my problems.
I hear you about finding myself, but I’ve got to get help for this depression and PTSD first so I can get some sleep and maybe function.
I did hear a good quote on a beautiful, but sad movie tonight on a Christian station. “You can’t change what happened in the past but you can decide on what you want the future to be.” Sometimes that’s easier said than done.
Maxine6
Maxine I agree with Cbb and Trying Hard. Sometimes you get replies and sometimes you dont. It’s not personal. Some days I can write a lot, some a little, and some not at all. Plus, sometimes I dont know what to say.
I personally worry about people on here who forgive, forget, and move along too quickly on here. I believe it means you hsvent adequately processed your trauma. I’m sure I wil get “feedback” on this, but I dont believe forgiving someone removes the effect of the trauma. What happened to you was still done to you, and wil affect you. I forgave my first husband a few days after he died. I mean, he was dead so there was no reason not to. But guess what, as soon as my husband cheated, that crap affected me again. I’m not even sure how that works but it does. I think you might consider that you may have post traumatic stress disorder. Just check it out on line. Has anything significant happened in your life recently? Things you felt were dead and buried years ago can pop up unexpectedly, obviously. You sound like a nice lady and I wish you the best.
Gizfield,
I forgave him many times on his drinking and other things. I then, after 4 yrs. of therapy decided to forgive and move on, which I did for 20 yrs. He still drank to much on many occasions, lost his temper, etc., which I forgave again. Then about 5 yrs. ago he lost a lot of money in the stock market, drank more for about 3 yrs. didn’t make love to me but about every 4 months, lack of support when I needed it, etc. I then questioned my whole life with him and saw the real person. Lack of remorse after the affair, even wondered if he was having another one 20 yrs. later. He wasn’t, but that’s when it all came back to me 20 yrs. later. I went back to therapy, first myself, then together, but I still didn’t get sufficient reason as to why he would risk everything for someone he wasn’t going to marry? Two counselors and still not a sufficient answer. So there will be no more forgiveness, so wether you can stay in a marriage without it, I don’t know? I agree with you after all that I’ve been through, I won’t forgive again. He will be lucky if I stay. I don’t think anything removes the effect of the trama, surely not forgiveness. I have no doubt that I could have PTSD, which this new psychiatrist specializes in.
Thanks for your helpful comments.
Maxine6
You are very welcome, Maxine 6. I am glad to be able to help. I’ll write more later cause I do have some info to share with you.
Maxine
You don’t have to put your website in. That’s for other readers who also have blogs and it’s a link to their blogs.
Don’t reply to emails cause that only goes to Doug and Linda. Hit “Reply” in the comments section. Put your screen name in the”Name” part not your real name and put your email address in.
Hope that helps.
Thanks, I had been doing that but for some reason I was now seeing these new things, like website. I had always just signed Maxine6. I appreciate your help.
Maxine6
Maxine6:
I & Everyone else on this site wish that you & ourselves were NOT having to live/endure in each of our versions of the nightmare of betrayal!!!! I am sorry you have/had to endure the hurt/pain/suffering that,you are going through only because of your selfish partner/spouse actions, words & deeds!!!! Here is a very important TRUTH that you must ALWAYS REMEMBER & NEVER FORGET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU!
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!
YOU NEVER HAD A CHOICE!
IT WAS NEVER ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE!
IT WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH, PRETTY ENOUGH, CARING ENOUGH, ATTENTIVE ENOUGH, SWEET ENOUGH, TOUGH ENOUGH, THOUGHTFUL ENOUGH, FUN ENOUGH, OR LOVING ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was ALL ABOUT YOUR SELFISH PARTNER/SPOUSE PERSONAL PROBLEMS/ISSUES that he did NOT know or care how to communicate them to you, so you could help him through them as anyone who LOVES their partner/spouse would!!!!!!
I cannot imagine the hurt/pain/devistation you are going through @ 70. My own hurt/pain/devistation @ 56 is overwhelming almost all day & everyday.
Remember this also, THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU & LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE REMAINED TRUE TO YOUR COMMITTMENT, YOUR BELIEFS, YOUR VALUES, YOUR MORALS & MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL YOU HAVE REMAINED TRUE TO YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!
Peace to All
Maxine, I too would like to offer any apology, for possibly not responding to your posts, I like gizfield and others, don’t always see the replies, etc. it definately isn’t anything personal.
I’m glad you stayed here, because you really need to get all of this off of your chest. I feel for you so much, I’m sorry you are still suffering over 25 years later.
Please make sure you take the time and talk to a professional soon. Please look after yourself and focus on yourself and your own needs. You deserve to be good and kind to yourself.
Hugs to you.
Strengthrequired,
No one needs to apologize, it wasn’t like I was on here all the time. I tried to respond to all the kind words and help last night but for some reason it kept saying I wasn’t logged in and I know I was. It even said at the end, “comments are closed.” That I didn’t understand and it still says that. I wanted to respond so bad last night as I couldn’t sleep.
I have made an appt. with a knew psychiatrist but can’t get in till Sept. 2 nd. Maybe there will be a cancellation. Now to fin fair good therapist.
I do have a question for anyone reading this post. Does the CS really not remember how he really felt, like not really loving her, why he told her he loved her, just because it’s over 25 yrs. ago. I am so tired of hearing these comments. So for anyone who is the CS do you honestly forget so much of what you felt during the affair. Did you still love your wife during that time? These are two of the major questions I can’t get answers to and why did you do it if you loved your wife?
I know this isn’t the topic, so sorry for putting these questions on here.
Maxine6
Hi Maxine, as far as the cs forgets about what the ap was to them, seems to be a normal thing. My h barely remembers anything and it hasn’t been 25 years since dday, almost 3 yrs yet his ea/pa ended a year and a half ago (apparently). My h cannot remember much at all, and I guess in many ways I believe him, only due to the fact he was in a depressed midlife crisis mental state. He doesn’t understand why he did what he did, he doesn’t understand why he told the ow that he loved her, because he didn’t, and he never planned on leaving me. Some of the things he mentioned to me early on in his ea, which as everyone here knows who has been a bs, the words are hurtful and cruel, the way they looked at us, without love in their eyes, somewhat hate, my h cannot remember, he is shocked when I say this is what he did, this is what he said, and he just can’t believe it, himself. I know he drank and smoked during this time quite a bit too, so him not remembering really isn’t much of a surprise. I have been trying to get myself to think of it this way, yes he hurt me, but this person was not the man I married, this man was a stranger, this man was sick and delusional, not a man that was strong and true to his word, as well as healthy in mind and body, like he always has been. This man was a mere shadow of himself, as if an evil twin took his place..
Although he does not remember, it is so hard for the bs to, we remember everything, and it is those words and actions that haunt us. I do believe though that there has to come a point in time where we have to forgive the evil twin, and try to remember that the person that did this to us, was not well, and more than likely way out of character for what they normally would behave and treat us.
I know the pain you feel, boy do I know it, and yes I often wonder can I actually last the rest of this marriage, yet I am still here, because deep down I know, my h does love me, does love our family, and he is getting better, he has done so many good things to make amends, to make things right, the problem now is not with him, it is with me, because I know that no matter how strong I was, my spirit took a beating, I don’t like how I feel like I cannot trust, because I never wanted to be untrusting of him, yet here it is, I think that is what is the hardest for me, losing that trust that I had for him. I do feel it will return with time, yet I doubt as much as I used too.
I do hate what this has done to our family, yet in a way, if it did not happen, then maybe my h would not have realised how much he really did need and want as well as love his wife and kids.
I am glad you will soon speak to the psychologist, you deserve to live a life of happiness, not sadness. You need to learn, as well as most of us bs here, to just smile and be happy again.
I also wanted to add, that these ow that threw themselves at our husbands, they were not anything special, if they were, they wouldn’t have hurt another person for their own gain. They most likely threw themselves at our h, and when our h are weak, they are at their most vulnerable, so they were ripe for the picking, if they were not in a vulnerable state, the ow would never have had a chance, so that doesn’t say much about the ow, that could only prey on a man that was in a place of questioning all that he existed for, all he had done with his life, and when they are like this the ow does not have to work very hard at playing with our h mind, they use it for their own advantage.
Hugs to you
Hi Maxine, at a point when I was stuck about certain aspects of the affair, Doug sent me an email that truly helped me. It was 7 things that are common to many affairs. One of the points talk about how the CS “does not remember” certain aspects and the article explained it in a way I understood. It finally made sense.
The issue I was having was that I saw emails my H wrote to the OW where he said he was falling in love with her but denied he loved her to me. He also wrote the words “I love you” to her and denied he had those feelings.
It drove me crazy. I was ready to leave him b/c I thought if you cannot be truthful now, we have nothing left and I am done fighting over this.
but Doug’s points made sense. I think that the CS is so embarrassed by all of this that they truly block put many memories. As sn example, I asked my H if she had any photos of him or the two of them. He said no. She then sent me an email with a photo my H sent her of my H and son. Boy was I furious. But he truly did not remember doing it.
Also I saw emails between them (that she forwarded me after the fact) where he talked about how people who love him will accept her b/c she is important to him. I laughed so hard at that. This is a 29 y/o girl covered in tattoos, a real drama Wuhan who is artsy and flaky and no morals, etc. I know a number of our friends would never have accepted her. He denied he was leaving me and kids but I dont believe it. That caused me to suffer post traumatic stress.
However I did tell him a number of times he could go and be with her and I was not stopping him. He just did not make that choice and did not have the courage to do it.
So yes I look at that year as being crazy. His mid life crisis. And his career and turning 50 has alot to do with it. My therapist told me he has seen men become unglued b/c of a mid life crisis.
I am sorry we just have to witness it and be dragged through it.
So Maxine I hope Doug can send you the article he sent me. It may help you gain perspective. I feel so bad for you and if you lived near me I would do whatever I could to help you.
This blog has tremendously helped me, saved my marriage from ending and has given me insight and perspective. As did a wonderful therapist.
I just wish you could see yourself as others do and not let this take control and drag you down. You deserve happiness. I hope you can find it.
CBB, funny hey, how they tell the ow that they loved them, but didn’t really mean it. My h told me one day he only said that to her, because that’s what she wanted to hear.. I too told my h many times, if you want her, just leave. Go… He would not either.
I swear they act like children and we in some way become the babysitter. Haha
I would love to know if they would put up with this crap. My H asked me when I was going to have my mid life crisis one day recently.
I cannot print the words on this blog about what I really wanted to say to him. Instead I just laughed it off.
CBB, they definately did act like children, spoilt ones.
Like little tantrums, and because they didn’t get what they wanted, they played up, badly….
Strengthrequired,
I asked my CH how he could tell the OW that he loved her and his answer was because he thought it was the thing to do. I reminded him that he didn’t tell me that right away and I questioned if he even knows what the word means?
I really feel that he loved her, as he kept going back to her for all those 3 yrs. and didn’t want it to end when she ended it. Of course, I always hear from him that he never stopped loving me, I don’t believe him. I remember now how he treated me at different times during the affair.
Also when talking to the OW several times, I asked her if she felt he loved her? She said yes, she wouldn’t have stayed with him for all that time if she felt he didn’t. She also said, “No one likes to feel used.” That’s a very good point of an affair. If you tell someone you love them, you have to have some sort of feelings for them. It’s hard to measure love and I’m sure there are different kinds of it.
He told me that he doesn’t remember her ever telling him that she loved him???? He also took her out on all her birthday’s, wrote very loving cards to her, yet she never got him a card or saw him on his birthday. I guess he had no pride, to stay in an affair with a whore like that, who I feel was seeking to better herself from the husband she had, she wanted to be with an executive and did seek him out at that conference. Yet, she doesn’t tell him she loves him, that I don’t understand, unless he’s lying. So many unknowns, aren’t there?
It’s been a rough day and I appreciate everyone trying to help me. I am trying to answer your comments, but I have just been so depressed and wiped out. Your support means the world to me though and I will get around to you all.
My grandson, who is going through Cancer is having a rough time. He’s only been through one week of chemo and he’s now starting to lose his hair. He works for a Law Firm and he is embarrassed about this as most of the associated don’t know he had testicular cancer and now it’s in him lymph nodes. He has 3 more rounds of chemo to go and it breaks my heart to know he’s going through this at 26 yrs. of age. He just passed the bar about 6 weeks ago and his twin brother will find out in about 5 weeks if he has passed it also. He’s been in a lot of pain and has had to leave work at different points, so please keep him in your prayers. We are very close as this is so hard for me. His surgery was over 18 months ago and they thought they had got it all, but it only takes one cell to get loose.
Thanks,
Maxine6
Hi Gizfield,
No my grandson’s illness had nothing to do with the trauma that I started me thinking about the affair again, 20 yrs. later. It was his lack of showing love for me, his drinking more and just being mean to me. When he went to the gym I couldn’t understand why he showered, etc., so I started suspecting there was another woman at the gym. I took down all the phone #’s to check them. He wasn’t fooling around, just didn’t like to go to the gym with a hat on to work out, thus the doing his hair. He’s always been like that with his hair looking perfect. His lack of making love but every 3 months and not a huge amount of interest in doing it. I then started feeling unloved again, remembered what the signs of affairs are and wondered? I questioned our whole marriage and saw where he was the taker, not the giver in the marriage and I so regretted not leaving him after his affair 25 yrs. before. He didn’t deserve my love, nor forgiveness.
So, yes what he did with the first affair brought it all back to me, not my grandson’s cancer. That just happened, we have been fighting now for over 2 yrs. trying to hold the marriage together. He’s only started working on it for the past 6 months but still looses his temper if I ask questions and I don’t understand or agree with his answers. The puzzle just doesn’t make sense.
I’ll never agree that trauma makes you a stronger person, it totally changed me into someone that I don’t even like. I use to be such a loving person, trusting, etc. I still am to other people, except those that have hurt me by lying, like other members of my family. I sure don’t trust my CH and never will. I did throw away those rose colored glasses after the affair, as you just can’t trust anyone. I thought in marriage that you could but I sure was fooled. Never again and I don’t think at the age of 70 that I would ever trust a man again.
It’s sad that you were never told of your adoption by your parents. My CH was adopted also, he was told, yet he never had a desire to find his parents. He was afraid that they might be in a financial bind and he would feel obligated to help them out. That tell’s you what kind of man he was and is. It’s all about his selfish self, money and pride. During our married life he always got what he needed, but if I wanted something special he would always have reason’s why I didn’t need it. Yet during the affair he bought me a gold necklace that I had admired on a friend, he had always complained that jewelry was a waste of money and overpriced. I think he was trying to ease his conscious while in the affair. I’ll never forget, I was wearing it at a cocktail party where his boss and wife were attending and I had it on. His boss admired it, then his wife said, “Boy, you must have done something to have to give your wife such a nice necklace.” She knew about the affair at the time.
About a year ago, I took my original wedding ring, that necklace and any jewelry, along with his wedding band to a place where they buy it from you and melt it down. I didn’t want anything that he bought me during that time and the original wedding ring meant nothing to me anymore. It really made me feel good to do it, but not I do regret melting some of the gold jewelry, but not the wedding ring. I hardly wear the one that I’ve got right now. I don’t want to feel married to him as he doesn’t deserve the forgiveness I gave him. When you show remorse, don’t give trickle truth which only happened because I did my own research and are basically a liar you don’t deserve forgiveness.
I am so sorry you are hurting for being left out. Can’t you make an effort to get to know them yourself?
Take care,
Maxine6
Wow, Maxine6. Your husband does have issues of his own. I’m not defending him, but not knowing his family may have had more of an effect on him than either of you know.
My adopted father was actually my second cousin. Family adoption. I knew my mother as a cousin. She moved out of state but the rest of my family was about thirty miles away. My parents kind of isolated me from them,, I guess so I wouldn’t find out. I’m 55 so most aunts and uncles are dead, and most others have left the area. I have met my two half sisters and one half brother but never my dad.
Gizfield,
Yes, he has a lot of problems. I also forgot to mention that he has been diagnosed with a Narcissistic personality. I sure have seen the signs after finding out more about what it meant.
It’s sad that you want to meet your Father and haven’t been able to. Isn’t there a way to look him up with some of these sites that are available? At least you’ve been able to meet some half sisters and one half brother.
I’ve wanted so much to get back in touch with the OW to ask her more questions, woman to woman, but I don’t know what sight is the best one to use? I don’t want to get caught with one that uses your charge card and then it takes forever to get them to stop.
Take care and as always, thanks for your help.
Maxine6
Maxine, your grandson will be in my prayers too. I’m sorry to hear about what he is going through.
Strengthrequired,
Thank you so much for your prayers. I have been praying so hard for him. He’s been through so much and starts his second 5 days of heavy chemo Monday. He doesn’t complain and we hardly ever hear from him. I want so bad to see him and he’s only 45 minutes away, but his life is so busy with being sick and trying to work at his new job.
He’s been through so much more than his identical twin has ever been through. He’s had hernia surgery 2 yrs. ago, then 18 months ago they discovered the testicular cancer, so he was laid up with that for a month at Christmas. He had sinus surgery 3 yrs. ago, where they had to carve part of the bone from breaking his nose when he was little. He was in a lot of pain from all these surgeries and now he’s going through cancer.
I think his faith in God has got him through all this, but he has been through so much in his 26 yrs. Thank God he has 2 brother’s that he is close to and also loving parents for support, along with all the rest of the family. My heart goes out to him and I would take his place in a heartbeat.
He’s doing the best he can and always thinks positive.
Thanks for your prayers for him.
Maxine6
Maxine, my h ow said to him, I don’t love you, what I have for you is more stronger than love. Lol.
Strengthrequired,
Thats a strange thing to say? Was she referring to sex or a very deep love and attention for him?
What I find odd is that my CH told me that he doesn’t remember the OW ever telling him she loved him? I can’t imagine in all those 3 yrs. that she wouldn’t have said that to him.
I just wish he would get how much it hurts me to know that he was able to say those words to her.
When my husband started acting different about 5 yrs. ago, before I confronted him 2 yrs. ago about him having another affair. He wasn’t that interested sexually in me very often and probably only told me those words during sex, which most of the time I initiated. I do know that he had hormonal issues, but it wasn’t low testosterone, it was just all mixed up. Yet it took me getting him to go to a doctor to figure out what was wrong with him. He blamed it on loss of money in the stock market, money owed by our daughter and he was drinking a lot more and just angry about everything, including my bad back.
That’s when I stopped telling him that I loved him also. I didn’t feel the love from him and only heard those words during sex. I would respond when he said it, “Me too!” I could count on my 2 hands me saying I love you in these past 5 yrs. He has basically killed all those feelings and I loved him so much, even for those 20 yrs. after the affair.
Love, it’s such a strange word and feeling, isn’t it?
Maxine6
Maxine, your grandson has gone through a lot, I do hope he gets well soon, and has no more health problems hit him. It’s very sad.
I’m so sorry your h changed again that had you doubt everything yet again. Its sad to hear that it’s only now in the last 6 months that he is trying to make an effort. Unfortunately there comes a point in our life when we just have enough, when all we do is seem to give, give and give, and never feel appreciated in return. Sometimes the change comes too late, when we just have nothing left to give.
I am not sure what the ow meant by that, I think it was such a strange thing to say. What would be more stronger than love. Lol. Maybe her sick and twisted brain control. Lol, or her strong manipulation tactics. Lol. Who knows. Maybe she had a deep resentment towards him, and wanted him to suffer, like she told him she did, during her marriage, and was able to place blame on my h for not rescuing her. Honestly he actually took that on his shoulders, and started to blame himself too.
Hugs to you
Strengthrequired,
Yes he has, plus other things that are to detailed to go into it. It wasn’t his fault, it was just a bad accident that really affected him. He’s such a good and responsible young man.
Yes, my husband might have waited to long to fix our marriage. I’ve done all the work for these 52 yrs. I raised the children, he just earned the money. He didn’t do a lot with them and if he didn’t approve of the career they chose, he didn’t even want to pay for there college education and because our oldest daughter wanted to be a teacher and our middle son a jazz musician, he thought it was a waste of his money. He was even ashamed to tell people at work what profession they wanted to do for there life.
They have both done exceptionally well and excelled in what they are doing.
You are so right, sometimes you just run out of giving and as I look back at my life, I see so many things that I put up with because I loved him. I kept forgiving over and over again. I never held love back from him, even after his bad drinking nights at a conference. I use to pray that he would get pulled over for drunken driving and maybe that would wake him up.
Now he’s so proud of himself that he was able to stop drinking all by himself on Christmas night, after drinking to much again. He brags about it and I ask him why it took over 40 yrs. to do it? I pleaded with him, yet he wouldn’t do it for me
Yes it is sad that 5 yrs. ago he took me back to where I started thinking about what he had done and my whole life with him. He wasn’t the man that I married and I sure wouldn’t marry him again. I had such love and admiration for what he had done with his job and he had did well in that area. But supporting me emotionally after those first 5 yrs. of marriage, being a good Father and making me feel special wasn’t done. I loved him so much that I truly didn’t see the man that I had married, as it wasn’t like this all the time.
I don’t know what could be stronger than love, so maybe she was just a sicko woman, it makes no sense.
Thanks for being there for me.
Maxine6
It’s sounds like you have been put through the wringer, and have put up with a lot. You wouldn’t mind so much if they truly made up for all their wrong doings, and actually made the effort like they did while with the ow. Yet we stand by them because we truly love them. Yet they do need to make that effort, we do need to feel special, not just when it suits them. I’m sorry your h just didn’t get it, that he never seen the special person he has right in front of him.
You do need to look out for yourself, you need to put yourself first now, you have put your children and your h first for so long, it’s your turn now. I think as mothers and wives we forget about ourselves, because that’s what we do, and we forget when it’s time, how to do what makes us happy.
You need to do what makes you happy, you need to start making those steps to happiness and I hope the psychologist helps you achieve that quickly.
Your welcome Maxine, that is what we do here, we support each other, even if we can’t help, we listen, which helps a lot.
Ohh and Maxine, my h ow was a strange one. She actually wanted my life and figured that she had to try and get my children too, just so she could hold onto my h. She would put me down, and tell my h that she would raise my children with him. She tried to say I was a bad mother, yet she left her children with a friend so she could chase a married overseas. That way she had no children or a wife to interfere with her seducing my h.
Strenghrequired,
It makes you wonder if they are able to tell the other person they love them, but yet don’t mean it, then how are we suppose to believe them when they say the same thing to us, especially after the affair?
Maxine6
Maxine, I know we tend to wonder about whether our ch lie to us about whether they love us or not after the affair, I have often thought about that myself, but I would expect that it be harder to fake the I love you with the bs, than what it would be the ap. my reasoning for this is, the ap has no idea who the cs is, and what they do know is the person the cs wanted them to know, the ap did the same to the cs, only gave the side of themselves that was how they wanted the cs to see. In order for this feel good feeling to continue they had to mask everything they did and said. Once times goes on cracks start to appear, inconsistencies begin to appear and the true self starts to emerge. Honestly the word love was thrown around so easily, loosely and quickly with the ap that of course they had to keep saying it.
As for us the bs, we know the cs, we know everything about the cs, we have seen the good, bad and ridiculous, and we still accepted them for their faults and all. Now the cs is on some sort of good behaviour during the affair with the ap, after a while it is hard to continue to something your not, for a long time, it’s like living a fantasy by play acting the role of being the perfect partner, and the only time they could be real was with us.
Maxine, as well the affairs are addictions. The cs gets addicted to the fantasy of the ap. they fall into the trap of trying to cover up the affair, the amount of time they spend with the ap, and most never intend on leaving their spouses. They will say and do whatever the ap says and wants because they don’t want anything coming back to the bs, so getting the ap offiside can not be a good thing in the cs eyes.
Strengthrequired,
I wish I could agree with you and I understand what you are trying to say and it could be very true at different times during the affair.
Yet, I remember so many times that he would be so cold towards me and acted like he could care less about me. An example. I was pouring muriatic acid into a bucket to put in our new pool and I didn’t lean down close enough and it splashed into my eyes. I screamed and it burned like crazy, couldn’t even open one of my eyes. He got onto me for being careless, yet I was the one who took care of the pool. I had to ask him to run and get me some water to splash into my eyes. My eyes hurt like anything, but it was like I was a burden to him. I called Urgent Care and they told me they needed to be checked. He didn’t even drive me there, said he needed to finish the pool. There were many other incident ants like that during that 3 yr. period, in addition to not being very loving towards me. I blamed it on the pressure’s of his job. In reality, he didn’t want to be bothered with me, he wanted his focus on her and I was a distraction. So, no I don’t feel that he loved me during that time.
As I said before, she definitely felt that he loved her or she wouldn’t have stayed in the relationship for those 3 yrs. He’s the one that wrote the very loving birthday cards, declaring he had never loved anyone as much as he loved her and couldn’t imagine life without hr. That was the last card he gave her, which all came about before there last weekend at the beach and her birthday dinner, along with him planning a night at The Residence Inn so they could go in the Spa. It was like he didn’t want it to end and was pulling out all stops to keep it that way. He arranged these things, not her. She told me that she had already planned on ending it on that last Friday night, yet she didn’t let him know that till they got into an argument in the spa and she walked out on him. Yet he had to get together for drinks 2 more times so that it ended on a good note. I still believe that he was hoping she would want it to start again.
None of this leads me to believe that he really loved me then, he loved her and himself more. Plus he didn’t show remorse after I found out a year later.
So, I hear what your saying and after the affair, I was in so much shock that I couldn’t get into any of what I am saying now. I do see it now and that’s why I am not sure If I want this to work or not. Only now is he acting remorseful 25 yrs. later. Not sure if he is truly capable of love, only the kind that other people give him.
Maxine6
Everyone deserves to be happy Maxine, you deserve to be happy. Find what makes you happy, and please don’t let this sadness consume you, anymore than what it already has. Beat it, and find your happiness, do what you have always wanted to do. Have you heard of those laughing clubs. People just hang around laughing. Haven’t been to one myself, but we all know laughing is good medicine.
Hi Doug,
I hope that you can send me that 7 things that CBb mentioned that you can post or send to me as it helped him so much.
Thanks,
Maxine6
I will send that to you Maxine, just as soon as I figure out what email CBb is referring to! 😉
Betrayed Chump, what you say is so true. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. Oursociety has gotten so warped they want to blame the victim instead of the perpetrator. Know this, any person on here, and any cheater as well, once you start looking for fault with someone, you WIL L find it. there are no perfect people, so therefore everyone has “justification” to cheat if thats what they want to do.
I did notice the other day you said that any betrayed spouse whose cheater decides to stay with them is “lucky”. I will say that any cheater who is given the chance to stay with their betrayed spouse is the lucky one. A large percentage of betrayed spouses are DONE the minute they hear of the betrayal . No SECOND CHANCE. I heard 30% but I bet it’s higher. The cheaters have a field day when they find they aren’t living in the road and become brazen, believing their own bullshit. Thats when they really become hard to deal with. None of the cheaters is worth what their spouse puts up with, I dont care who they are.
Giz:
My comment of some people on this site being one of the LUCKY ONES was refering to when BOTH the BS & CS are WILLING/WANTING to do the work TOGETHER to try to save, fix, repair & renew their relationship/marriage!!!!! My experience in my own NIGHTMARE was that when there is ONLY ONE PERSON WILLING/WANTING to do the work necessary to save, fix, repair & renew your relationship/marriage IT IS DOOMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish my X would see it, want it & appreciate it as you & I see it! That she was/is LUCKY that I am willing/wanting to give her a second chance!!!!
I have to see my X every 2 days until the end of this month?????? It is VERY, VERY DIFFICULT & it just BREAKS MY HEART EACH & EVRYTIME I SEE HER!!!! I STILL SEE/LOOK @ HER AS SHE USED TO BE, WHO SHE USED TO BE TO ME & I TO HER, (FOR ME ANYWAY). Today I asked her if she remembered what I asked her to do for US one year ago today? She said NO, she did not remember, I told her I did not think she would remember. She did not ask what it was & looked anywhere but @ me so I told her that I asked her to GIVE UP her EA AP one year ago today. She looked @ me with NO emotion what so ever & told me that I can’t blame others for my/our problems??????
I told her that I know in my heart that if she would have made a differant decision/choice that day & gave the scumbag married man emotional affair partner up that we could have worked things out!!! She looked @ me again with NO emotion & told me you know the way your behavior was I just do not know. I told her again I KNOW IN MY HEART WE COULD HAVE WORKED THIS OUT!!!!!!!! HEY WAIT A MINUTE, WTF??????????????? MY BEHAVIOR??????????????? ONLY MY BEHAVIOR???????????????????
SHE WAS MAKING/DRIVING ME CRAZY/INSANE WITH JEALOUSY/SHAME/GUILT/DISAPPOINTMENT/DISBELIEF/NO SELF-RESPECT/NO SELF WORTH/EMBARASSEMENT/NO COMMITTMENT/NO HOPE/NO LOVE WITH HER BEHAVIOR!!!!!!!!!!!!! REALLY!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!! She still has not/will not take responsibility/ownership for her betrayal of OUR marriage vows with her EA!!!!
The DISAPPOINTMENT/HURT/SUFFERING FOR ME JUST KEEPS GOING & GOING & GOING & GOING & GOING & GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe someday SOON I will not have to see her every other day & then MAYBE JUST MAYBE the disappointment/hurt/suffering will finally end!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Peace to All
I understand what you are saying, Betrayed, and agree you are lucky if both people want to work on it. my comment was specifically for cheaters there is a large percentage of spouses who if they catch you doing this stuff, they are officially out of the marriage, no questions asked. If they find one “damn I sure would like to see you email” to someone, they will have your bags packed and a lawyer called before you hit the driveway. You don’t always get a second chance, the cheaters on here are lucky cause they do. I guarantee if it weren’t for my daughter, I would have been done with my husband after his cheating the very first time.
Sometimes I feel like such an idiot when he tells me about how he lied to ow and said he loved her. He cheated on his wife and lied to his wife. I’m not sure why I choose to believe this. I think our h’s do love the ow very much. I think they only say this because it’s what WE want to hear since they got caught. Seriously, he lied to me not her. Why would he tell the truth about that? I once read something that will always ring true: if we stay with h then we will always be married to a man who cheats on his wife and now ow gets to find a good and honest man. Sadly it seems we lose and she wins.
Betrayed,
I agree with what you are saying. Only a selfish spouse would be able to do this to there partner. The CS, like my husband isn’t going to tell me the total truth as it wouldn’t make him look good. I never want to hear him tell me again, that he never stopped loving me, his actions tell me otherwise during that time and even after I found out. I was a fool for staying with him and I shouldn’t have. I can blame some of it on shock, my Melanoma surgery 6 weeks after I found out about the affair. His lies about so many things that if I had known the truth from the beginning, I would have kicked his butt out. But I can take ownership of my mistake also, when I did find out he was lying, especially after I found the charge for the weekend with her, I should have told him to get out. Instead, I went back into shock, sadness as I never thought he would do that to me and other things.
My husband says he told her he loved her as he thought it was the thing to do???? He must think I’m an idiot to believe that. He said it because he felt like it at the time or else he wouldn’t have.
The OW’s husband divorced her, he was smart and now he is happily married. She married 2 more times, she looks happy now on FB, but not sure if she’s still married to the 3rd. husband. That tells you a lot about what kind of slut he was in love with.
Maxine6
Maxine6
I have been wondering about you and your grandson . My dad had testicular cancer and had a complete recovery.
I will keep you both in my prayers.
Rachel,
Did your Dad’s cancer spread later to his lymph nodes like my grandson’s? My grandson had the testicular taken out 18 months ago during Christmas. He had a very good surgeon and had the option of having a couple rounds of chemo to take care of any lingering cells. There was only an 8% or less chance that they didn’t get all the cells when they removed the testicular. He was in his last 4 months of Law School before he graduated with his twin brother, so given the odds he decided to continue school as he had worked so hard and already had a job at a Law Firm when he graduated and didn’t want to postpone school and possible loose his job. The Oncologist seemed very positive about his chances, unfortunately he fell into the 8%.
Thanks for the prayers and would love to know about your Dad.
Maxine6
No Maxine , my dad’s didn’t spread to the lymph nodes.
Hi Rachel,
I’m glad to hear that your Dad’s didn’t spread to the lymph nodes. It gets so complicated when it does and the chemo does so much damage to your organs, then and later in life. I pray that his will be limited.
Blessings, Maxine6
I’ll tell you how I caught my cheating husband, of 10 years…the “other woman” was watching her niece’s kids and the boy, age 11, was playing with her phone. He came across a loving message to her from MY husband with an attached photo of his dick. The boy told his mom, since we all knew each other, and his mom told me. I didn’t believe it, thought the boy made a mistake…until I accidentally saw a text on my husband’s phone a month later. Then I checked the phone records and was devastated. Fifteen months of betrayal. The plot of my life changed immediately. I am so sad.
Cherry,
Tell yourself every day “This has nothing to do with me. It was his choice to lie, cheat, act like an idiot and behave this way”.
They act like children and then when they get caught, act like a deer in the headlights. What? You don’t trust me? Why not?
They are delusional. But yet we must go on like nothing happened for our children’s sake.
Get therapy – it can save your sanity. Believe me it saved mine.
You are a good person deserving of better. Do not let him drag down your sel esteem. At first I thought I was not good enough for him, otherwise why would he cheat? Turns out I was too good for him and he took advantage of my love and kindness.
18 months later I asked him if he was sure he still wanted to be married to me. He was shocked I asked him. Really? You ended our marriage twice in one week to be with her the OW and you are hurt I asked you once in 18 months if this is really what you want?
So now I have a new view. Though my CH tries to make amends and feels sorry for his mid life crisis almost ending our 25 year marriage, they never really get it. They do not think like women and truly do not understand the impact if their choices.
I will raise my sons differently. I talk to them on sn emotional level I cannot get from my husband. I show them it is ok to speak from the heart.
My H tells me he loves me, but does not dig deep or too personal in conversation. Oh well….can’t change that leopard.
So sorry Cherry for you. Get your power and mojo back. When o
I told my CH to leave, he saw me in a whole new light.