This is from a post I wrote a few years back describing how to those who are involved in an affair, it can seem quite exhilarating – like an oasis from the mundane!
When having a marital affair, all you have to give the other person (OP) is yourself. To you – the cheating spouse – this is just fine since the OP does not expect you to make the money, do the household chores or take care of the kids.
When the only requirement of your affair partner is that you be yourself, it is naturally very liberating. There is no stress, no responsibility, no pressure.
You are able to give yourself freely. You begin to believe that you do not have to be successful, work hard, be a great dad or be a great spouse, because the OP only wants you. That is the fantasy of the situation. The affair becomes the oasis from the stress and the mundane.
While in your affair, you become addicted to the belief that the OP wants only you. When they call or text you, they want YOU. This can be very exhilarating, but again, it’s nothing more than a fantasy. The OP doesn’t expect anything from you but your company.
This cannot last however, as the real world will eventually infiltrate the affair and you will be asked to offer more than just your companionship.
At some point, perhaps when you get caught, or perhaps when you profess your love for each other, the OP will want more of a commitment. This is unsettling because this means that you will have to give more of yourself, more of your time, more of your money, and more of your responsibility. This is probably not what you really want since that is probably what you were trying to escape in the first place.
I believe the lure of an affair is the belief that OP loves you just as a person, and does not care about your accomplishments, how successful you are, how helpful you are, what a great father you are, etc.
Unfortunately, what you are really portraying to the OP during your marital affair is something and someone you are not. You only show them the traits that they find appealing. Those traits that are missing in their spouse. You are displaying conditional love.
All of us want to feel that our spouses only want us because of who we are, not because of what we do for each other. Even though love is based on how we make the other feel and what we bring to their lives by our actions. I guess all of us long to feel that our spouse wants to escape with us, and that WE can be their oasis from the stress and the mundane.
So, was your affair (or your spouse’s) just an escape from boredom – a means to get away from the stress and anxiety and responsibilities of your everyday life? Thoughts??
5 replies to "An Affair is an Escape from Boredom"
The AP wants the “pretend you”. The “you” you wish you really were. The “you” without the chains of a spouse, a mortgage, or any other responsibilities. The “you” that you are telling them you are. The “you” without all the bad habits, etc. It’s intoxicating to rewrite your life, starring you, directed by you, complete with hair and makeup. There is a tacit understanding in an affair. I will believe what YOU tell me about YOUR life, and you believe what I say about MINE. Then we will reinforce those beliefs,( however patently untrue they may be) and only say and do things that fit the script. We will leave the heavy lifting of the REAL world to our spouses. Poor slobs.
You are correct that eventually one of them deviates from the script. Suddenly they want more. The affair flounders when the actors (players? ha ha) start ad-libbing. Resentment crops up. Blinders begin to slip. Saddest of all is the loss of the very things the AP was attracted to in the first place. My husband was seen as a family man, great father, good provider, a caring person, strong christian, etc. The affair choked these traits away one by one. The very things “she” wanted in a man, she killed in him. By the time it was over, he was a shadow of himself. No wonder affairs end so bitterly. So much lost for nothing gained. What a waste.
Eh, I agree with what you wrote, cousin it rid my h of everything that was good in him. She built up his ego, then would guilt him, by playing a victim. He was drowning right in front of her, and she kept taking. He too became a mere shadow of the h and father, business man he used to be. That spark he had in his eyes came to just a dull light. I had my work cut out, jugs trying to reignit that spark. God only knows where she would have dragged him, if I didn’t try.