My list of why “I Hate You!” to the other woman after the emotional affair…

after the emotional affairBy Linda

Believe or not this is totally uncharacteristic of me to have such negative feelings against another human being.  Generally, I try to see the good side in everyone.

Realistically, I know I hate the emotional affair more than the person I am attacking, but right now I feel that this is a healthy way to let go of my anger.

I know that I can’t hate Doug, even though he is as much to blame as she is, because that would hinder everything I am trying to do to save our marriage.  And sorry to all you men out there, but women have a way of manipulating you like putty. 

Unfortunately, that power erodes when you have been married as long as we have.  So along with my top list of stupid things said during an affair this is my “I hate you Tanya list.”

  • I hate you because you broke the unwritten rule among women.  Women support each other. We know how difficult it is being a wife, mother and career women, and when a man comes to you complaining about his wife you should support the woman. You tell him “Of course your wife falls asleep on the couch.  Think about what she does all day.”  Why don’t you ask him what he is doing to make her life easier?  You don’t use that as an opportunity to move in for the kill.
  • I hate you because it was so easy for you to make my husband feel good about himself. You were able to be complimentary, laugh at his jokes, and tell him how wonderful he was. You were not living my life.  It was different for me.  You were on a constant vacation with my husband.
  • I hate you because you were always able to appear funny, happy, free spirited, and then you could go home and be your true self. I didn’t have that luxury; my true self was there for my husband to see from the time I woke up until I collapsed in bed at night. There was no place to hide and sometimes it wasn’t very pretty.
  • I hate you because you had all the control. You knew how to keep the affair going, how to push my husband’s buttons and you knew what he was feeling and thinking.  I felt like I didn’t know him at all.
  • I hate you because you were always available to meet my husband’s needs.  It wasn’t because I didn’t want to; I had a difficult job and three children at home who occupied a lot of my time.
  • I hate you because you had all the power.  You knew everything that my husband was unhappy about in his marriage and you used that to your advantage. You always had the upper hand and I was helpless.
  • I hate you because you used every opportunity to weed yourself into our lives. You did so while we were on vacations, camping trips, evenings, weekends; your presence was always there by phone calls or text.
  • I hate you because you didn’t have the guts to do something about your own bad marriage.  Instead you found someone who was married  to make you feel better about yourself.
  • I hate you because you made my husband forget why he loved me, his family and his life.
  • I hate you because you listened so intently while my husband was telling you how “unsatisfying” his marriage was.  You appeared so understanding, but of course you didn’t give a shit since he wasn’t unsatisfied with you.
  • I hate that my husband gave you everything I ever needed from him.  You received his undivided attention, appreciation, admiration, compliments and you didn’t have to do his laundry, bare his children, or take care of him in return.
  • I hate you because I lost my sense of security and trust.
  • I hate you because you took away my confidence.  Because of you I constantly question if I am happy, pretty, funny, outgoing and skinny enough to satisfy my husband.
  • I hate you because the husband I thought I knew and loved was not that man anymore, and I had to learn who he was, how to forgive him and how to love him again.
  • I hate you because even though you are not in our lives anymore you are a constant image in my mind.  Your name, your face, a sign, a memory can take a happy day and turn it into a sad one.
  • I hate you because you never thought about me and the pain you were causing.
  • I hate you because I will never look at my husband the same way again.
  • I hate you because I will never be the same person again.  My child-like qualities of being trusting and somewhat naïve will never be there again.  Instead I feel like I walk around afraid to truly experience life for fear of being hurt.
  • I hate you after the emotional affair because you took away something so very precious to me–my husband’s heart. That is something that I will never forget, forgive or understand because it was never yours to take.
See also  Discussion: What Are Your Greatest Struggles After the Affair?

There.  I’ve got that off my chest.  Believe it or not, I feel much better now.  You should really give this a try.  This allowed me to take some of the burden of their emotional affair and transfer it out of my mind, if only for a little while.

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    125 replies to "After the Emotional Affair: I Hate You!"

    • ruth

      Amen to that, you just put in words the way I feel toward the ow in my husbands life. Thank you, Thank you. this sight has been a blessing to me.

      • Jewl

        My husband said he did nothing wrong! He should be here reading about what all these women had to say about their husband’s emotional affairs. I hate you Darlene A. H.. for screwing up my family. What goes around comes around.

        What was not mentioned is that hatred should be directed towards the husband’s behaviors too. He should be the more responsible one among the two. In the end he made a commitment to us, and not the other woman.

        • texasmom

          My husband too says he did nothing wrong because he didn’t have sex. He intentionally disrespected me with a mutual friend/neighbor who is 26 years younger than him. He made me watch him pursue her. He spent EVERYDAY with her for months and got drunk with her on a regular basis. He told me she made him horny.He made plans with her to go on outings. Who does that? Why? Why would my neighbor only come over at times I wasn’t home to spend time with my husband? Why would he whisper in her ear right in front of me and go home drunk with her without a word said to me? I finally had enough and demanded he stop seeing her and he has. But, how am I supposed to forget this or understand it? I will never feel the same about him again. I always thought I was #1, I no longer feel as though I am a priority nor our marriage. Where do I go from here. I think our marriage now sucks. I’m miserable.

    • Giving Up

      Oh Linda!!!

      The tears are rolling down my face right here in the middle of the office!!! This is all I want to say to her! In such a tasteful and classy manner that me in the middle of all my anger could never manage to get out!

      Of course for my situation I would have to change it up a bit but oh my!!!! I myself have done what katrina had posted and sent in a submission to so there and will see if it gets published. But it is not nearly as together as this!

      But I was descrete. I used her first name but not my own. So it could be anyone.

      We will see. But Thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting into words, what I could not!

      • admin

        Thank you for the nice comments. I feel fortunate that I have the opportunity to share my story in hope that it will help others. I appreciate that you thought my piece was classy and tasteful, that was the way I tried to live through this mess from day 1. I didn’t know how everything would turn out, but I knew I always wanted to maintain my intregrity and walk away from this true to my self. I have always been a honest, caring and loyal person and it didn’t want to handle this painful situation any differently. I wanted to be a person my family would admire and be proud of.

    • Last2know

      Linda you go girl, today you are my Hero. How bout that for an Ego boost? I agree we can’t hate our husbands but do you think I could write one and give it to my husband to read so he can see exactly what it has done to us? Doug what do you think?

      • admin

        Last2know, As you put it…”you go girl” I absolutely would put together a letter like that for your husband. It really can drive home everything you’ve been going through and what you’ve been feeling. It did for me. Doug

    • michael

      -I hate you W— T—–.
      -I hate you for the irreversible damage you have inflicted on me and my family. The uprooting of what was, for the most part a happy home.
      -I hate you for the piece of my wifes heart that will never belong to me. And that now, I know it.
      -I hate you for your adolescent sexual behavior that forced my wife, at a young age, to do something that was one of the most devastating things a woman can do.
      -I hate you, and hold you with as much blame as the other men in her childhood that have hindered her ability to enjoy herself lovingly with someone.
      -I hate you for not allowing my wife to move on in her life as you have a couple of times. Looking for my wife whenever you needed to feel better. While married to one of your wives. Its been eighteen years. Move on and let her do the same.
      -I hate you for the cowardly way you have hurt your family and the mothers who’s lives you pulled to you as you cared little for them.
      -I hate you for the fact that you were ready to damage my wifes life as you have to other women.
      -I hate you for the fact that as you protested your undying love for my wife. You didn’t have the balls to come down here and fight for what she thought was true, soul mate love.
      -I hate you that you wanted to string your wife and children along as you tried to take mine from me.
      -I hate you that you have forced me to do things that until that day I didn’t think I would ever have to do.
      -I hate you for the pain I’m so sure you have caused many women along the way.
      -I hate you for keeping captive a part of my wifes heart that will never belong to me.
      -I hate you for all the HELP you have given my marriage.
      -I hate you for being so unloving that you would harm your newest soon to be ex wife.
      -I hate you that you have lied to my wife and all of the women in your life.
      -I hate you for being so close that I have to keep from going to you for answers.
      -I hate you for being just far enough away that I can’t just go to you for answers. And that she did. You have made one place I enjoyed going, a place that I don’t want to go to anymore.
      -I hate you, for being you.

      • admin

        Michael, Great post. Just curious as to whether or not you found any relief by writing these things down? Have you shown it to your wife?

      • Let us go and make our visit.

        I feel like I could have said the same things to EB — the lying creep who had an EA with my wife.

        Are things better for you now? Does the pain, the insecurity go away eventually?

        I am seven months into this. Things are better, but really hard.

    • michael

      No I haven’t shown her. She know I post on here. And if she wanted to be a part of this part of my healing she would. I don’t feel better yet. And sorry to say right after I posted it she called about something and I kinda snapped at her. I apologized though.

      • admin

        Michael, Well we’ll be curious to know her reactions when/if she sees what you have written.

    • michael

      Just a question, Linda. During the first few months after Doug decided to work on your marriage, was he ever frustrated with you for not just getting over it.

    • michael

      My day has started kind of rough today. I heard a caller on Dr Laura yesterday that made me feel a little more empowered. The call went like this.

      A lady called in to talk to DR Laura about her husband. She said her husband has told her he was through with the marriage. She said he doesn’t feel like she is giving him what he needs in the relationship sexually. She says he has told her time and time again that he wants more from her.

      She started in with her feelings that she has problems with connecting to him in that way. And that she has issues that keep her from feeling that connected to him. But she thought that he shouldn’t want more that she is willing to give him.

      Dr Laura went in the complete opposite way that I thought she would. She explained that women now don’t think that men should have needs and that they think only of their needs. She said he was right for wanting to end their relationship.

      She said he was right that his wife should act like his girlfriend. And that the caller had no physical problem that precluded her from giving him what he wanted. Only her lack of love for him was keeping her from showing that love to him in the way that he needed.

      This hurts to hear because that is the way I’ve felt through most of my marriage. My wife only has come back to me because of the inconvenience to her needs. And she hasn’t worked on our marriage as hard as I have. I have tried everything that she said she was missing in our relationship.

      She didn’t even take a moment to find out what I posted yesterday. She just said oh that’s ok that you were venting. And that it was ok for me to vent. But she never asked what I was venting about. Does she love me enough to want to know how I feel. Or are my feelings an inconvenience to her.

      • admin

        Michael, For what ever reason, your wife just isn’t “there” yet. Whether it’s that she is still addicted or under the influence of the infatuation drug, or perhaps she is in a mourning period, she just isn’t ready to proactively move on with you in the direction that you would hope for. What worked for us in this situation (because I was there myself) is the process of backing off and becoming strong and independent. Show her that you are a man that she would want to be with. Let her know that you will be just fine with her or without her. At the same time be attentive to her needs and inject some romance whenever possible. Do things together and as a family. Show her what she stands to lose if you were oout of her life. She’s confused right now, and thinks perhaps that she has feelings for this other man. If she has indeed ended contact with him, those feelings will fade and eventually disappear, and when they do, you will be there. — Doug

    • michael

      Its hard for me to say, but Doug, WTF?
      She has held him in her heart for nineteen years and risked her current family to drive for four hours to be close to him. We had a good life and I never knew he was following her around like a ghost in her head the whole time. She could have had an affair with any man she wanted. She is beautiful. But she chose this POS that, the whole time she said she talked to him, would moan complain and whimper about how bad his life is.
      He even whimpered and cried while she was berating him for his nasty thoughts of her. For him to be so pathetic is an understatement. She had devotion to him even when he didn’t have time for her. I blocked his number from calling her. And she continued to call him every min of the day she had time alone. She showed more devotion and passion for a boy who she hasn’t seen for almost two decades than she has shown for me in the three months since the last time she called him. He professed how he was gonna come down here and kill me the night I text him. But did he. Bring it on bitch. Little cowered. He ignored her phone calls more and more as she apparently decided not to give up her family. And she had planned on spending the weekend after the show with him. She showed that she can have passion. Just not for me. she has security with me. And she doesn’t have to do a damn thing except what would have to be done without me here. Like clean. Kids. Laundry. Practice for the kids. Thats how she says she shows her love for me. Just recently she has started to text and say I love you more. But if I’m having a bad day and don’t say it right back, she has a little fit. After the affair she had mentioned to my mother and sister. “See, now he’s paying more attention to me”. Yes I have. Like a little puppy. Without any reward. Nothing for valentines. And nothing on the day of each month that I have tried to make up for my bad anniversary. Like I said. She won’t read a book. She only looks at this blog when I mention it. And then not really. She is getting what she wants. I guess that’s my job. I shouldn’t expect anything back.

      Sorry. Just had to vent.

      • admin

        Michael, No problem. Some times it’s necessary to vent. I get vented to a lot! Your comment, in my opinion describes a person (your wife) who is selfish and is living an illusion with this dude. I still believe that her relationship with this guy will die soon. Hang in there.

    • Broken

      OMG! Linda, everything you wrote is exactly how I am feeling. I can’t believe I am not the only one with those exact same thoughts, it’s so on point its unbelievable.

      • admin

        Broken, Thank you, and yes it’s amazing how many of us share similar feelings and situations.

    • Broken

      Linda… how are you working through this emotional turmoil? It’s been almost a year since I found out about my husbands EA and I still cry and feel intense anger and jealousy. I can’t stand to be around my husband. I feel like I’m living with a complete stranger. I am no longer affectionate or loving towards him, the feelings are not the same to me. What are you doing to make it work??

    • Exhausted

      I am new to this… I have know about my husband’s emotional affair about a year now.
      The day after discovery, I found out I had a mass. Turns out I have Breast cancer and have been receiving treatment over the last year… But here goes my list.

      I hate that you got the fun while I got the dirty underwear, dirty workout clothes.
      I hate that you continued to pursue him even after being “mortified” that I knew
      I hate that he thinks you are a good person ( you set your sites on him and he followed)
      I hate that you came with us( by texting) on two vacations
      I hate that you stole time from our kids.
      I hate that you stole my sense of safety.
      I hate that you replaced me
      I hate that I saw you in his car.( months after knowing)
      I hate the turmoil you have caused him and me
      I hate that my cancer has bonded you

      I am glad for KARMA…and it will happen
      I am glad he acts as the supportive husband at work, while you sit by and watch
      I am glad we connect sexually 5x a week and were quite active before I knew
      I am glad if you are sad he is trying to end it, you have no idea of the pain i have had
      I am glad you are jealous, because we have a bond.
      I am glad he told me he never thought of leaving us
      I am glad he said there would never be the 2 of you if there was no longer an us
      I am glad he said he had no place to go when I asked him to leave on that first day

      • admin

        Exhausted, Thank you so much for the comment and welcome. You’ve certainly had a rough go of it haven’t you? We hope things turn out good for you.

      • stupidandtrusting

        I sure would like to hear from Exhausted as our situations are nearly identical. Exhausted, if you are still checking this site, I want to hear that you are well, that you have fought successfully against cancer even with the additional and terrible stress of an EA. My friends tell me to “Be Fierce” and I try. Would love to know how you are doing…

    • Broken

      Exhausted, what an amazing post. I like your I am glad list, it really cheered me up. We too often look at the negative side, because that side hurts the most. I am glad for KARMA to. As I’m sure the mess she helped create in my home will one day come to bite her in the ass. The OW in my husbands EA is also still trying to pursue my husband, even though I found out and told her to back off. It really hurts to know that someone could purposely try to break a marriage apart. I know she isn’t the only one to blame, my husband actively pursued her as well. But once I find out, you should really back off, you caused enough pain. My husband told her from the beginning that he never intended to leave me or the kids, so why not back off?? Why try to keep it going if the guy is telling you there is no future? I just don’t get it. She must be desperate or delusional.

    • Rose

      I love this post! It sums up everything that I would love to say to her! Now, when I run into her (happened twice so far) I will try to calmly think these things (while walking away) instead of the nasty things I have been coming up with!

      • admin

        Rose, Thank you. Try coming up with your own list and sharing it with your husband. You’d be surprised how it helps.

    • michael

      Just a update on what she had to say. After a couple of days I sent her the link for this page. Later that day she sent me a response. It was “wow, todays post is interesting” and “I’ll try harder”.

      So today after our long weekend at the park I am feeling a couple of things.
      I feel jealousy. Jealous of the guys in our sport league. The guys that say hi and talk to her. Jealous of the time and effort she puts into the league. And jealous of everything that she is feeling and doesn’t share with me.

      I also feel lonely. We hardly spoke all weekend. Any time spent was with our kids or she was off doing something for the tournament. And as we got home my son was real needy at night so I slept with him one night. And last night he slept with her in our room while I slept in his. Only so much room in our bed. After the day we just went home fell asleep and started again early. And lonely in the effort I have put into our relationship. I stayed up late on saturday to make her a card for our five months after our anniversary which I messed up on. And she gave me, just like the months before, just a hug and thank you and a kiss.

      And for this weekend I am feeling unloved.

      • admin

        Michael, I’m sorry that you are feeling unloved after this weekend. But I want you to re-read your comment, and perhaps look at it the way I am. Now granted, I’m on the far outside looking in, but I see a very active, busy weekend with much going on in the way of kid activities and sleep issues that may have taken some time away form you as a couple. But I also see at least 2 small gestures of love that she threw your way: Mentioning the post and that she’ll try harder, and a hug, kiss and a thank you. Now these might not be all that great in your mind, and I know you are yearning for more, but I see baby steps that she is taking towards working on your relationship. Do you feel I’m off base here? If so, it wouldn’t be the first time! Perhaps you should arrange for some alone time later in the week to make up for such a busy weekend. –Doug

    • michael

      Maybe I am blind to those gestures because I received the same or better from her when I gave her the first card. While she was still speaking to him. And while she said that she had emotions for him. But I do see them and I cherish them. And I do yearn for more.
      For a long while she has been too tired, too sick, or too busy for me. That’s what put us in the place that lead me to seek help here. And now I do think that I don’t trust in her feelings for me. And can’t explain why.
      But today will be better. I have work to keep me busy. And customers to help me keep it up beat. So off to work I am. And this weekend is behind me. Tomorrow the angels game with customers. And I’m on a roll with sales. Keep up the momentum. I’m doing good. I feel a lot better now that I got that all off my chest. Even if its just here that I get to vent.

    • HarrieB

      This line of comments dates from a little while ago, so I hope that someone is still reading back this far. I wanted to share something I started yesterday with you all, inspired by Linda’s “I am angry because…” and “I hate you because” lists, also by Exhausted’s “I am glad because” list. Yesterday was a really black day for me – no particular trigger, but I just felt myself on the relentless downward slide all day – you know how it is! In the late afternoon I returned to my own “I am angry because…” and “I hate you because” lists, as I felt a need to use them to vent a bit. Then, remembering Exhausted’s contribution I started a new list, an “I am proud because” list. I won’t share it all with you, but just to illustrate it included things like:
      “I am proud of all the research I have done and all the understanding I have gained on infidelity and EAs, and that I used it to try to open constructive dialogue with my husband.”
      “I am proud because I have finally realised that all the excuses that were made about why the affair started were just that – excuses.”
      “I am proud that, even so, I have carefully and honestly examined everything I was doing that contributed to the loss of sparkle in our marriage before the EA. I have apologised for them and I have taken steps to correct them.”
      “I am proud that I have always been a loyal, true and loving wife, daughter, sister, friend, colleague.”
      “I am proud of the inner strength I have found that I never knew I had. I am proud of the wisdom I have gained. I am proud that I made it through the sleepless nights and still went out to face the World the next morning – even when I felt paralysed by pain.”
      “I am proud of the attempts I have made – unilaterally at first – the rekindle my love for my husband – even though at first it was difficult to do.”
      “I am proud that I have taken myself in hand – I have recognised that I have relied on coffee and wine too much just to get through the last few years and that I am doing something about it, I am taking more excercise and eating properly again.”
      “I am proud of the compassion I feel for all those fellow sufferers on the Emotional Affair Journey blog, and for the respect I feel towards the strayers who have shared their sides of infidelity. I am proud of all of them, especially Linda and Doug for their honesty, courage, encouragement and sense of community.”….

      I am still working on this list (and there is much more apart from the entries I have included here) but I already know what the last entry will be…:

      “When I sat down to write this list of things to be proud of I didn’t think it would be very long. I am proud that I still sat down to write it even so, and I am proud that it has, in the end, turned out to be such a long list”.

      It is probably not an original thing to do, but it helped to get me out of the hole I was in yesterday. Please try it, especially if you need to give yourself a lift. Love to all, as ever. XXX

    • LMB

      I am on the verge of tears but I’m at work so I won’t break down…I won’t break down. I just found out about my husband’s emotional affair 3 weeks ago. I have been in “fix-it” mode since the moment I found out. The numbness is just now starting to fade and the emotions and questions are beginning to set in. This list, oh this list, captures everything I feel all at one. It’s a little overwhelming. You even speak/write just the way I would. Your words are my not only comforting to me but a confirmation of what I feel. I thank you so much for your candid honesty. You have no idea of the enormous good you are doing for women like me. I really can’t thank you enough.

      • Doug

        LMB, Thanks for visiting and for commenting. Best of luck to you.

      • Duane

        Hang in there LMB. I can tell you I was on the brink of madness and came back stronger. You are not to blame. Don’t let anyone say ANYTHING differently.

        Stay positive and look after yourself.

    • Ale

      Great!!! I can not say this better. Linda, you inspired me to write my own list. I wish it takes some of the pain away from me, and this awful feeling of hate another person.

    • D

      I, too, am inspired by this list. This is is everything that you want to tell that person. You want that person to feel what they (including my husband) have done to you. I actually read this list to my husband last night after having to spend several weeks sitting less than 1 row away from the OP. Our children play sports together. At this last event, I thought that I could not handle it anymore and then stumbled upon this list. I want to include an “I am glad” list as well.
      Thank you again for making a time in my life more bearable, Doug and Linda.

    • Alecia

      I have tears falling down my face. This list is almost identical to mine! Its been over two years since I found out about my husband’s affairs and I still have days where I want to curl up and erase everything from my mind. Just the other day I had such a bad day: I heard her name everywhere, I saw people everywhere who reminded me of her, my husband said something about a completely unrelated situation that created such fear in me. We, fortunately, are in a better place at this point and were able to discuss everything that I was feeling and work through it.

      I also have been able to work through this “hate” thing to a degree. It is a process! I still have days where I want to hate her! And I too have found it interesting that I don’t have a desire to hate my husband but am willing to throw most of the blame her way. I think it is fair to say that while I have forgiven this person and don’t harbor bitterness in my heart for her, the list you wrote is a true representation of all the behavior from her that I deplored. Still do.

      • Doug

        Alecia, I wonder why I do the same thing. I have never seen the OP but everywhere I go I see people who I think look like her. I wonder why I believe that she is so special that there most be hundreds of woman walking around that look like her. Or maybe she is so ordinary that any woman could be her. lol Linda

        • Alecia

          Linda – I’m going to go with the latter! Its amazing how I give her attributes that I know she doesn’t have. Gorgeous women remind me of her because of their hair style or something. When, I know that she wasn’t gorgeous. I think someone said something about this – what my husband found attractive about her was her confidence. Her sexual prowess. She had no hang ups. I remember the first time I saw her picture and I took it to my husband and I said, “Really? Really? This is what you slept with? This is what you almost ruined our marriage for?” It’s really true what they say: It has absolutely nothing to do with looks. In fact more often than not you could probably hear CS’s say that their spouse is more attractive. My opinion, is that its because character influences beauty. My husband finds me more beautiful than anyone else in the world not because I am but because of the character that I’ve shown through over the years. Because he knows me inside and out.

    • Infidelity Rage

      Interesting… You know, I don’t have that much hate for her because I try not to think about her more than I need to… I hate my DH for many reasons and I love him at the same time. I actually would love to do this with my DH instead. Maybe some things I hate about him and then some things that I love about him that basically outweigh the hates.
      I may have to try this exercise in my blog post tomorrow…

      • texasmom

        Yes, I agree, I only have hatred for my husband. His deliberate and intentionally hurtful actions towards me are hard to forget and put out of my mind. I don’t care what anyone else thinks about me, I do care about how little I mean to the one person whom I love most in the world. If you always felt as though you were a priority and suddenly you watch your husband make another woman a priority over you and your marriage, its really heart wrenching.

        • Strengthrequired

          It is very heart wrenching, and I totally feel the same. I thought I was his number one, yet after four years, since d day 1, I still struggle to forget, and although I love my Cs very much, I don’t view our marriage or love the same way anymore.
          He stepped out of our marriage, while he was going through a midlife/depression, to make himself feel better. Out of all the things he could have chosen to do, to make himself feel better, he chose the one thing that made me feel the worst, and have a hard time getting past. its hard, so very hard to give yourself entirely after someone does that to you.

          • texasmom

            I agree, he caused me to fall out of love with him and convinced me that he hates me. I wish he would leave, I don’t know why he stays. If he loved me he would never have treated me the way he has with another woman. So why stay? I feel very confused. Maybe guys get off on trying to make their wives jealous and when they are not, they get pissed off and keep taking it to new levels until they destroy the marriage. Oops! Or maybe they are so insecure that any attention they get from a younger girl really boosts their ego so much that nothing else in the world matters, including their wife and kids. Such a shame that there are so many low life men out there, or should I say boys. Just like a little boy, self-absorbed and irresponsible. I feel like a mother to a teenage boy and what wife wants to feel that way? Not me.

    • Roller coaster rider

      Okay, my list is going to be a little different: “Why I pity you, OW”:
      1) I pity you because you have no clue what real love is or how real love behaves.
      2) I pity you because you think you can steal something precious and have no repercussions in your own life.
      3) I pity you because despite having messed up incredibly in your past, you refuse to learn from those mistakes and you continue to make them again.
      4) I pity you because you settle for scraps and for remote possibilities instead of insisting that a relationship be built on something solid, real, and committed.
      5) I pity you because you are scared and spineless, sneaky and slutty.
      6) I pity you because you end up, when all is said and done, with nothing except some pathetic memories.
      7) I pity you because you are a lousy role model to your daughter.
      8) I pity you because you are lonely and alone.
      9) I pity you because if you ever have any moments of clarity, you must despise the type of person you are when you look inside.
      10) I pity you because you have no clue how you have ultimately helped and benefitted me without even thinking twice about me throughout the entire time you were pursuing and pushing MY husband to do whatever you wanted him to.

      • Alecia

        Rollercoaster rider –

        I love this. Harboring hate over these people just allows them to steal more time and energy from us than they already have. No way should we be giving it to them! And I agree with you completely! When we take an honest look at who these people really are we shouldn’t hate them. We should feel sorry for them. I remember when I finally was able to write a letter of forgiveness to the OW (that I never sent) saying to her “I don’t hate you. I pity you.” For pretty much all the same reasons that you just listed. Anyone who lives life like that, who treats other people like she did, doesn’t deserve to take up space in my heart. I feel bad for her because of how she thinks, acts, and lives her life. She’s doing nothing but creating a path of destruction for herself and anyone who’s stupid enough to intertwine their lives with her’s.

      • Sherry

        Thank you for the I pity statements
        This is how I feel also!
        I just wish I could tell the ow this, but she wouldn’t care

    • Melvin

      Wow, this hit home today. Just 5 months out from D-Day.

      Lee’s see, my wife did a selfish act with a cell phone by carrying on an emotional affair for months with her ex-fiancé.
      So yesterday, wife repeats a selfish act with a cell phone. Uses my free upgrade on my phone (hers is not due until next year) and buys a new cell phone – out of the blue. Some salesman she met at a business show gave her a “can’t miss” deal and she bit. Talk about triggers. I’m having those thoughts again that she is going to reach out to him to show off her new toy. Maybe she already is communicating via other means. I will never know. So my short hate list to my wife goes like this:

      I hate you for throwing me under the bus for him.

      I hate you for stirring my paranoia again with your selfish action.

      I hate you because now our teens will see mom with a new phone and want new ones (with new plans to boot).

      I hate you for taking such a simple and useful device (cell phone) and turning it into a weapon I now despise.

      I hate you because we were on the mending road and you kicked our relationship into the ditch again.

      I hate you because I should be mad at him (your ex) for playing you – instead you show me time and again that you are the instigator.

      I hate you because I let my guard down, believed that you were changing for the best, putting your selfish motives aside for the betterment of us and instead you sucker-punched me in the back.

      Did I say I hate you for being selfish ?

      There, I feel better. Maybe venting here and my 24-hour break from her to calm down will help.

    • elph

      screw im fired up!!!

      ill throw in a few, from a male point of view.

      I hate you because you came into my house under the guise of friendship-breaking a cardinal MAN rule.

      I hate you because the law protects you, even though im the one whos been wronged.

      I hate you because i can’t go all “goodfellas” on you.

      I hate you because you were married with children, and because your life sucked, you decided to drag down another family with you.

      I hate you because you lack honor and integrity.

      I hate you because i read your texts and realized what a wussy coward you are.

      I hate you because i know your putting on a good face at work, but in reality, you ain’ shit!!!

      I hate you because your using both your kids and situation to ellicit pity and thus a favorable response from my wife.

      I hate you because your using my kid to turn her against me.

      I hate you, again, because i cant solve this the “old fashioned way”

      i hate you because i saw the texts. you used tems ive used, youve tried to accost some of me an our wifes moments and words to your own needs.

      I hate you because your not even a real man.

      I hate you because, despite my short comings, I AM STILL A BETTER MAN THAN YOU ARE OR EVER WILL BE!!!!!!

      I hate you because you said you were gonna take her away from me, when i fact im the one letting her go.

      I hate you because of the smug look you have on your ugly face.

      I hate you because the laws protect me from plastering your face, address, phone number all over the internet and letting 4chan and the like having theyre way with you.

      i hate you because you employer wont fire you for the crap youve done.

      i hate you for how youve manipulated and controlled my wife and her emotions when she was vunerable.

      I hate you because things werent as bad as they seem, but you made it worse in her mind.

      i hate you from the damage and trauma youve unleashed on my son.

      I hate you and i hope your kids hate you too….i know your ex will never let them forget when they get older, what a complete asshole you were to her and them for leaving them.

      and if they don’t ill make sure to keep tabs and come back at the right time to remind them.

      i hate you because youve shared moments that were meant for only me and her. that youve seen only what ive seen and felt only what ive felt.

      i hate you because ive helped deelop my wife into thei fine sexually beautiful woman, and you are enjoying the fruits of my labour.

      i hate you because if/when we reconcile, itll be a year plus out of our lives that we can never get back.

      i hate you because youll cost us a house and money and such that we will lose.

      I hate you because i do!!!!

      if there’s anything i’ve learned is not to shy away from how i feel, but how i get it out.

      like rage against the machine said, “anger is a gift”

      take that what you will…
      i have a boxing bag set up in my garage and guess whos pic is there…

    • Paula

      Alecia, I’m also just past the two year mark. who knew it would still be this painful, huh? I have told my other half that I wouldn’t have even tried to save this relationship if I knew how long the pain would continue for.

      The hate list is eloquent, I realise it is from some time ago, thanks for re-posting it Linda. I have similar feelings on some levels, but don’t really, truly hate her, I feel a little sorry for her that she didn’t/doesn’t have a normal moral compass like I believe most women do have. I supported this single mother with her difficult son (mainly difficult because she could never bring herself to say no to him, and mean it) and I just believed that women look after each other, like Linda’s first point. A lot of my anger is at myself for being so dumb! Still, even though I know much better than to do that to myself! I hate what my OH did, the actions, not the man. But I do hate that my love is gone, and there is now a new man, who looks like him and acts like him, but isn’t him, because the man I love would never treat ANYONE like that, let alone me, the love of his life.

      I also hate the way this has changed the way I feel about myself, as you say, not funny, skinny, enough, etc, etc. (All rubbish, of course) This is so counter-productive, because he really liked her self confidence, and mine has disappeared now. I hated the fact that she knew what was happening to my relationship, and I had no bloody idea, she had all the power and control, and I was grappling around in the dark trying to find what the problem was, so she had all the ammunition (be bright, flirty, sexy, beautiful, funny, AVAILABLE; I was just trying to get through every day without the wheels falling off!) I hate that she came on holiday with me, and the children, drank my lovely wine, ate my lovely food, laughed at my jokes, while Mr Charming, my CS, wasn’t even there, to throw me off the scent, or at least that’s what I think she must have done it for.

      Most of all, I agree, I don’t feel safe anymore, in any situation, and that just seems so wrong. Where did that gorgeous, joyful, funny, smart, self-confident me go?

      • Alecia

        Paula – I have to say, for myself, as painful as it has been it has been worth it. I’m sorry your relationship did not weather this storm and wish the very best for you in your new one! Don’t let this OW steal anything else from you! You deserve a great, healthy relationship with a man who is going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Don’t let insecurities, fears, and distrust get in the way. Even with my husband now, when fears pop up, I have to check my gut reaction. I have determined to give him the benefit of the doubt so that he and our marriage don’t continue to live in the shadow of the past. Your new husband deserves the same. Its amazing what these OW take from us isn’t it? It takes a lot of work but we can get it all back! In the end, even if they get our guy, they do not win. We do. Character always wins.

        • Paula

          Oh, misunderstanding Alecia, I’m still with my man of 23 years, I just meant that it has changed the way I look at him, I guess I just thought he was a “better” man than his ACTIONS caused him to be. We have had two periods of separation, I just needed some breathing space, to get me right, but we are still here, dealing with this, we still love each other desperately and deeply. I am SO not the person to move onto the next man in a hurry, I just can’t even contemplate another man, ever.

        • Alecia

          Paula – sorry about that! I reread it and I get what you were saying. I do agree with you though that I tend to feel more pity than hatred for my OW. And I even feel like I need to keep the pity in check. The choices this woman made I cannot even fathom. It is so amazing to me to be this far out from D day and still go through the emotions that we go through. To experience the triggers that I experience. It does get easier but its still crazy to me to think that two years + later this woman is still in my life…and mostly because I let her be in my life because I allow her and thoughts of her to shape my fears.

          • Paula

            Alecia, agreed, we know that letting them into our thoughts is counter-productive, but seem powerless to stop it. This usually happens when tired, driving past certain landmarks, passing places in my home and farm where I know they were “meeting” (ie triggers) and during weird intimate moments. I am very aware of the triggers for this type of thinking, and I’m finally developing some strategies to cope with the trigger reactions that actually work, but it is difficult, but many things are now, and I’m up to it! Shame that these women/men are unable to work on their own issues, would make our lives a bit easier if they just weren’t available in the first place – that’s a joke – our CSs have to take a good look at themselves, as it takes two to tango! Must admit, my thoughts of OW are less frequent, and affect me slightly less deeply than before, but that is because of the bloody hard work I’ve done on myself, it’s taken a really, really long time, and has been very expensive. I’m back with a psychologist now, and sometimes, I jokingly want to send her(the OW) the bill, lol!!! I’m finding reading materials on this topic is helping me way more now than it did 18 months ago, I must be in a better headspace than I was then.

    • Empty and Numb

      The list should include Doug. Did she really have control over Doug? If so … What does that continue to say about Doug?

    • confused76

      Except for the women specific things u say on your list I feel exactly like that and reading your post on my phone on a bus with tears on my face
      Thank u

    • Rx lady

      WOW! Linda, you have just stated everything I have been feeling for the last 6 months but didn’t allow myself to say it. As a Christian I have been hesitant to feel this hatred, but it’s true. I do hate the OW and always will. I’m trying to rebuild a life with my husband but it’s a slow process, and, as you stated, I will NEVER be able to look at him the same way again. It’s sad, but a fact of life, and working on myself is the only way to get through this part. You go, girl; thanks for sharing and all you do. You too, Doug; thanks for being part of this process!!

    • bittersweet

      I agree with everything on Linda’s list! I would like to add…..

      I hate you because your husband doesn’t know you had an affair with my husband. Your life goes on as usual while my life is a mess.

      I hate you because our mutual friends don’t know about the affair either, so I have to listen to them talk about you, what you’re doing, where you’ve been, etc.

      I just plain hate you and this nightmare I’ve been thrown into.

      • mona lisa

        Maybe I look at things differently BUT….Why don’t her husband know, and why don’t your mutual friend know. When I found out about my husband’s emotional affair, I called the OW’s husband right away. I also called her, and her employer. The reason I called her employer was due to the fact that most of the calls, texts, and the use of the company email, were done while she was suppose to be working. At any rate, I was not going to suffer alone! I refused to go along with keeping the “dirty little secret”. I also made my husband sit in the same room and listen to all the conversations, so there would be no question about what was said. Do I care what my husband or his slutty little whore thought… HELL no!

    • alycon

      Goodness, Linda! Thank you for such an amazing article and personal hate list! And thanks to everyone who has responded with a list of their own!

      I have just emailed this article to my husband and told him that I feel exactly the same about the woman he had an EA with and all those that he’s behaved inappropriately with since.

      He tells me he doesn’t bother with the object of his EA anymore and I’m getting to the point, 11 months after my D day, that I find it easier to believe him. But he’s been way too attentive and friendly with young women / girls ranging in ages 18-24 too – still giving the best of himself to them instead of me.

      One 18 yr old who he met at work said she was bored and lonely and wanted him to stay with her. He did so. He was so nice to her that he provoked a comment from someone else in the room that they ‘made a lovely couple’.

      Another 18 yr old he knew at work was on his facebook page and he had a black and white picture of her in a short black dress ‘posing like a model’; when I asked him why this picture was on his computer he said ‘I just thought you’d look nice in it’!

      Then there was the 19 year old who he allowed to wrap herself round him like a christmas decoration and pose with him holding mistletoe over their heads.

      And the one who he said he met in a local bookshop who he began a conversation with and whose quesitons he answered about where he lived, and said she was a fan of his.

      Now I’m having to enudre another 18 yr old who he’s announced will be doing a local tv show with him.

      And the 24 yr old who’s supposed to be marrying her fiance next year but wanted to film with my man and of course has got her way. It doesn’t make it any easier that my husband felt the need to tell me that she ‘was in a beauty contest and posed in her underwear in a men’s mag’. If she’s so madly in love that she wants to marry her fella why is she behaving like this around my husband? Boy do I feel sorry for her man.

      What makes all this harder to bear is that now he’s met this ‘psychic’ who advised him to ‘get in touch with his inner child’! Linda, Dough I was absolutely gobsmacked and I now fear that he’s using these people to excuse his behaviour ‘because they advise him’. SO HE LISTENS TO THESE KOOKIES, LETS THEM INFLUENCE HIM AND TAKES NO NOTICE OF ME!!!!!!!!!

      Of course I responded the only way I could under the circumstances; ‘how dare she tell you how to behave? She isn’t affected by your behaviour at home. She doesn’t know that your ‘inner child’ has dominated and destroyed our marriage, she doesn’t have to live with what you’ve done. If she had, would she still say that to you?!? I wish I could spend ten minutes in a room with her alone and tell her what I think of her; she obviously hasn’t had the foresight to consider what kind of man you are behind closed doors!!!’

      Linda, Doug, I struggle to undersand why he does his. Can you offer your thoughts /advice to cope with it?

      I haven’t had one singe full night’s sleep since D day. My husband said I should consider sleeping tablets! My doctor said no, because they’re addicted, could affect my performance at work and won’t stop my husband’s behaviour or change his attitude But he did say I’m still chronically depressed and strongly advised (not for the first time) marriage counselling for us and individual counselling for us both too.

      I know deep in my heart that my hurt and anger are chronic. I told my husband about the doctor’s advice, that I want us to see a marriage counsellor, and all he could say was ‘that’s a big step, I’ll think about it’.


      As for my hate list? It would include everything that all of you have expressed. And it would include this:






      I’m sure I could think of a lot more but I’m so exhausted. And I apologise for the length of this post but sadly this is my only source of support and ‘venting’.

      Please, everyone who views my post, I’d be so grateful for your input. If any of you wish to email me personally I will provide my email address if it is permitted – Linda and Doug, can I do this?

      • J.C.

        Girl, I sending you this all the way from warm Jamaica and sending you some cool vibes with it as well. I feel your heart and I think that you are a strong, vibrant, purpose-driven child of God who altho’ youv’e been bruised, you are certainly not broken. Look at yourself in the mirror and give thanks that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and you are the apple of your creator’s eye…..forget the SOB, he does not define you and neither does the OW no matter how you feel, concentrate on what is true… you are special and deserving of true love and appreciation. Just know that it will come, your words are powerful so try not to be negative not about yourself or your situation, but speak what you want for yourself and wrap yourself in Prov. 31. I am going on almost 1o years since I discovered my husband’s EA and girl all the crap that went on before, it was an avalanche I been through the withdrawal, his inability to be honest, and we are both Christians, (what a joke!!!) but girl, hang tough, u will always see the scar but it won’t always hurt.

    • D

      I made my own hate list early on, using both my husband and her. I felt like I could get out those feelings and emotions when writing this list that were dragging me down each day.
      After this post, I re-read my lists. Although I HATE the situation I was put in by their acts of selfishness, I can’t hate either person involved. I love my husband regardless of his decisions in the past. I believe that he is here for my children and I now instead of staying with us out of fear and guilt. He is proving to me everyday that he wants us, no matter what curve balls life throws (finances, child rearing, chaos, etc). Because of the situation, we have learned to express our feelings and emotions instead of bottling up. Not that this was the reason he strayed, I will never know nor do I want to now. We are hitting life head on without looking back.

      As for her, not much to say. I don’t hate her. I do not respect her or her decisions. Therefore, I choose not to think about people who are not worthy of my time or thought. She wants desperately to apologize to me, make things right in her mind. An apology does nothing for me, she is pathetic and immature. As I have posted previously, I am losing my so called friends because of my decision to not let her apologize and FORGIVE her. It hurts to see my friends doing things with her instead of me. With this OW’s track record, it will only be a matter of time before she begins to prey on their husbands and they will come crawling back to me because they got hurt. Afterall, they have her as a friend, she has not been involved in their lives like she was in mine. I understand that their relationship with her is different. But things are not going to get back to normal like everyone hopes (we were a tight little group for years). The dynamics of the group have changed, perhaps for the better. You find out who your friends are………..

      Take care all.

    • Roller coaster rider

      This is a lot to deal with and no wonder you are exhausted. You are bearing the entire burden for rebuilding trust for a man who not only (according to what you have written) isn’t trustworthy because he cares so little for you and your feelings that he just tramples on you by his behavior. And as for “getting in touch with his inner child”… Seems like he has no problem acting like a teenager or worse.

    • kathy

      I hate you because you let satan use you to put a wall between God and a man that He called to do His work. I hate you because you kept telling my husband that ya’ll weren’t doing anything wrong, and now he won’t admit the wrong he has done and will prob. go and do it gain because he does n’t see that he crossed that line. I hate you because when we make love I feel you in my matrimonial bed with us. I hate you really bad because now my daughter you has been married 1 yr is wondering how old she will be when her husband is going to go crazy and do the same thing. I hate you the most because now I cant trust or respect my husband. I don’t trust him with my heart anymore. I just Hate you.Do you hate yourself? I hope so.

    • April

      I do not know why, but I have no negative emotions toward the OW. I think she is pretty interesting and a “good person”. I believe that the EA is my husband’s fault. She did not owe me anything. He did.

      • Roller coaster rider

        Don’t we owe each other the respect to not have an affair with someone else’s spouse?

        • April

          In a perfect world we do. But the world is not perfect. The purpose of the OW was not to hurt me. When she contacted him she even did not know that my husband is married. My husband is the one who played this affair game. Anyway, probably I should be angry with her. I don’t know why I am not. I just do not think that I can love my husband ever again the same way.

    • Kate

      Its been 1 and a half years since I discovered my husbands emotional affair with another woman, it took until last Friday for him to finally admit that it was an affair…. he admitted this after we read your mini-guide so I just wanted to say thank you.

      I can honestly say that I HATE the OW and the pain she caused everyone and so as my first post here I’m going to make a few points myself –

      1. I HATE the fact that you believed you had the right to sit in the middle of our marriage and ‘advice’ my husband to get divorced

      2. I HATE that when I did finally discover your messages on my husbands phone that you just decided ‘oh well now I’m no longer interested in him and I don’t care how picks up the pieces’

      3. I HATE that you appear to have a life now whereas I’m still struggling to smile on the bad days

      4. I HATE HATE HATE HATE that you thought you had the right to ring me to tell me lies about your affair, to paint my husband as the bad guy while you were prepared to lie with him, that you even for a second believed that you could give me marriage advice.

      5 . I hope you rot in hell

      Today is a bad day for me, does it ever get easier or is this the rest of my life now?

      • Paula

        OH Kate, the bad days are just appalling, I know, but it does get better, but it is a slow and careful process, it doesn’t just happen, it is hard work, but you owe it to yourself. It’s two steps forward and one step back all the time. I can see it’s taken a long time to get the “truth” out, but now that you have it, you can get better, but I believe there is always this “thing” now, and we all just have to learn to live “around” it, and it’s really hard to accept, especially when you feel that your relationship was almost perfect before the affair (I still feel that it was, obviously there is no perfect, but I was pretty damn happy!) For my part, I don’t hate the OW, I don’t like her, she was supposed to be my friend, and she used that friendship to wheedle her way in when we hit a very tough spot, instead of supporting us when she knew we were facing a very difficult time she decided to strike while the iron was hot, and they both used the friendship to spend time together, etc, without detection, often, while I was present, it was hideous, and that’s not something a friend (or for that matter, someone who loves you) does, but eventually, you move past hate, because it only robs you of your sanity and dignity. It’s been two years for me, I still have the bad times, but I relish and appreciate the small things, and the good times, now that your H is coming out of his fog, he should be able to contribute to your healing, and it will get better, whether that is a path for you two to travel on together, or a separate one, as you know, you can’t live like this forever. Good luck, sweet, we’re all here for you, it’s a safe place to vent and also to share the good moments!

    • Rx lady

      Paula, does it really get better? I hope so because some days are REALLY bad. My H is also bipolar, so that doesn’t help. The meds are troublesome for him, he tends to focus on little piddly things to take up his time instead of the big picture – does this mean he is still in the fog? He has been moved away from our house for 4 months now, has a 6 month lease, comes to see us often, but won’t commit to anything of substance. Not sure where OW is except that her one child has been placed in foster care, probably because of all of this crud going on. I can’t bear to go to his house; it doesn’t feel right. I hate it when he takes our kids there while I am working. There’s a lot I hate right now; I want to get past this all, but you are right – 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I get so discouraged sometimes, and I can’t let his moods get to me like they have been. I spend a lot of time in prayer hoping the next day will be better…..

    • Paula

      Rx Lady

      I think it HAS to get better, and I know exactly that feeling, this has been a MUCH longer, and MUCH harder journey than I thought possible, I have been the lowest of the low (suicidal, and tried to carry it out,yes, that low) so I do know where you are at. I am really not that person, I have three gorgeous kids, and a lovely life, but I couldn’t see a way out of the pain for a VERY, VERY long time, and I would think I was climbing out of it, often, just to fall down the hole again, and be even more discouraged. What I have learnt is that it is not possible to continue to feel that bad for that long, something has to happen, whether that be therapy (finding the right person is very hard), leaving ( I have had two periods of separation, to get my head together the first time, and I thought I couldn’t continue with him the second time, I was hurting him too much by not “getting better”), meds, or WHATEVER IT TAKES. I feel for you, with a bipolar H, that must complicate things even further, I hope you have some support for you, apart from the issue of dealing with the affair. I wish I could help, all I can say is the old platitude of “it just takes time,” and hard work, focus on you and the kids, you will be okay, no matter what happens to the relationship, take the opportunity to learn something new, forge new friendships, etc. I have found the new friendships invigorating, as they don’t know what I’m dealing with, and therefore, I don’t feel their pity and sorrow for me, which is great, I can be a “real” person with these people more easily than with some of my old friends.

    • Sad

      Hi Linda, My 1st time to post here. Many thanks for the great work you and Doug are doing to help us all. This is the 1st time I come across an I HATE list… it is truly healing. A few weeks ago I wrote something about my H’s OW too, hoping to help release my bottled up anger. It eased some of my anger. It also helped me and my H to put OW into perspective. I am trying hard not to send it to OW. Here is what I worte:


      1) Why the preference in poaching married man? Culmination of psychology, childhood and past experiences? Dig deep into yourself and your past to re-set your compass, to prevent getting lost again, to prevent destroying innocent families.

      2) Have high regard for yourself. Know that every woman deserves the love of a freely available man. Do not commit yourself to living a life in the dark.

      3) Be a good role model to:
      clients, colleagues, subordinates, friends, children, grand children, great grand children and the world, by
      – repecting the marriage institution,
      – practising safe sex,
      – holding yourself in high regards.
      This is every human’s responsibility. This is real charity to the world. The world and our tomorrow will be better because of you.

      4) Do not forget your reponsibilities towards your seniors and mentors who invested their life, hopes and dreams in you.

      Live well.
      Never lower yourself again.
      Never lead another human astray.
      Never be the source of suffering to another human.
      Never build your happiness on other people’s sorrow. This is not happiness.


      Get educated.
      FEW married men, at the very end, are willing to leave their marriage for the other woman. And of those who left, FEW subsequent marriages to the OW are successful.
      Marriages shattered by infidelity CAN heal, grow and become the best they can ever be.
      Leaving poachers to mourn all alone in their bed, to carry with them shame and disgrace for the rest of their life.”

      Linda and Doug, your site and personal experience have been invaluable in our attempt to recover and rebuild our marriage.
      We will never be able to thank you enough.

    • ppl

      i believe everything you wrote is true BUT, why your concern with the OW. if your husband didnt participate, there would be no issue for him. your husband is not the victim of her. you are a victim of your husband. you should not waste time on the OW (it took me a while to realize this with my wife). she didnt steal him (or borrow him). he wasnt forced into it

    • Lizavette

      Hate is not a place to go to to heal. It is only a distraction. It is an addiction just as addictive as the fog of being in love. It is also an illusion, just as the fog of being in love is. It is something you can’t help or control just like love. If you let yourself hate that much, and let it escalate, you are no better than who you condemn. This means we are all human. I am confused and I am SO hurt and SAD. But I know that of all the things I think I want and haven’t got, hate is not what I will accept as a replacement. It will not do. More trouble than it’s worth. Not hate. Uh,uh.

    • Rx lady

      Thanks for your words of encouragement. Waiting is not my strong suit, but I am trying to be patient and take one day at a time. Today was a good day with H. There are things about myself that I need to work on for sure, and this “waiting” time gives me the opportunity to focus on me, and also my children. I know we will be OK, it’s just the process to getting there that makes this so difficult, especially for the kids. They did NOTHING to deserve this, and I don’t want them scarred for life by this whole experience.
      I agree with some of what you wrote, but don’t know if I can ever turn the other cheek to the OW. I don’t obsess about the hate, but I can’t have any other feeling for this other person at this point. In order to perserve my sanity I have left the church we all belonged to (another part of the story – H and OW were having at least EA if not PA while belonging to a praise band – go figure!). My children and I will serve the Lord, and we can do that in a more non-threatening setting.

    • Sad

      It takes 2 to tango.

      I’m very clear that my H’s character weakness/flaw is the most crucial in the whole issue – he gave himself permission to participate, to use infidelity to solve the problems in our marriage. Without his participartion, there would have been no infidelity. I am a victim of my H. This is what is hurting me the most. It has been given special emphasis in our recovery.

      As to why I am concerned about the OW. It is because I cannot get her out of my head, and I had to do something about it. I felt the need to figure out her motives, where these motives come from, and chances of recurrence.

      Through figuring out the distinctive characteristics of OW, it helped my H to logically see that these women are unlikely to have successful marriages, and chances of him capturing another healthy-minded woman as a married man is also slim…. (of course, finding a secret substitute in the 1st place, is never the way to solve problems in our marriage)

      For me, finding out that most OWs are poachers with personality problems and baggage from the past which they cannot handle, kind of soothed me and gave me confidence that my H made a mistake in chosing her/he got fooled, and there is nothing wrong with me (the problem is in how we handled our relationship).
      It also gave me more security too – in knowing my enemy, I suppose (I have not forgotten that my H is my biggest enemy in this issue!).

      Now I hope to put my mind to rest with the OW part, and can concentrate on H and our relationship.

      I totally agree, hate is not a place to dwell. But it needs to be properly recognized and effectively dealt with, so we can move on with recovery.

    • RT

      So, I have been searching and searching for someone that has experienced losing a best friend along with the pain of the affair. I know many of you have, but no one ever mentions it.

      My wife had an affair with one of my closest friends. He was the type of friend that was there for everything. I considered him more like a brother. We even talked about building houses with connecting yards someday. Unfortunately, we were also very competitive and he tended to beat me at everything: racing, running, fitness, golf, work competitions (we worked for the same company), and unfortunately my wife’s love…..

      He had the type of family that I never had. They all got together on holidays, and did a lot of fun things together. He was married with one daughter, and our families were inseparable (me, wife, and our 2 kids). We had a lot of fun together, but in the end, he and I were best friends that talked everyday. Sadly, he was also talking to my wife everyday, and the two of them began to make their own life plans. After I discovered their affair, he feared revenge (I am a trained martial artist & about twice his strength), and moved to Pittsburgh…I never saw him again. He sent me a text, and said that he hopes I can forgive him, not for him, but for my own healing.

      The problem is that I MISS HIM! He was my best friend, and we were so intertwined that there isn’t a day that something doesn’t come up that reminds me of him.

      D-day was almost 3 years ago, and I still think about him everyday. The hardest part is that he broke something in me that I have not been able to make new friends, and I don’t know how to ever let someone back in that close. I have other friends that talk about guys night, or this or that with their friends, but that part is missing. I can’t talk about it with my wife because she feels that he preyed on her (he has had an affair before), and we end up arguing. So, I end up swallowing this pain constantly.

      • RT

        I forgot to mention, that I am tormented because I do hate him for what he did, but I miss the relationship we once had. That is what I am wondering if people are going through, and how you are handling it.

        • Melvin


          From a guy’s point of view.

          I do know where you are coming from in regards to the hurt. My ethnic background and witnessing my family’s reaction towards people who crossed them yielded similar feelings. One gets a terrible resentment towards friends who betray you. As for that protectionism feeling you have, I refer to it as “building walls”. It becomes hard to allow anyone else in that close for fear of another betrayal (“burn me once, shame on me, burn me twice…..”).

          There is another old saying I repeat here often; “Time heals all wounds”. There will be a time when you can reach out to him again – how long it takes to heal the wounds is hard to say. The distance between you both might speed up the healing period.

          I made new friends with guys that share common interests with me (golf, bowling, skiing, hockey to name a few). I’d suggest getting out and getting involved in extracurricular activities you enjoy. You might get lucky and find a good match.

          Best always.

    • RecoveringMommy

      Here is my list. Better late than never I guess. I’m typing this on the fly. I figure this way would be more honest than sitting and thinking about it…

      -I hate you for the tremendous pain you caused me and my daughter.

      -I hate you for using your past with my H to take advantage of him.

      -I hate you for using our 4 year old daughters friendship as a means to spend time with my husband.

      -I hate you for making me believe you were a friend to me. You knew that I didn’t have many friends and you took advantage of that.

      -I hate you for repeatedly coming into MY HOME and spending time with my family knowing that you and my H were carrying on this EA and you were, in essence, rubbing it in my face.

      -I hate you for making yourself appear to be exactly the kind of woman my husband thought he wanted. Since you did befriend me, you knew what my problems with him were and you used them against me.

      -I hate you because you are the one still carrying on friendships with what once was mutual friends. They have no idea what kind of person you really are.

      -I hate you because MY DAUGHTER lost the friends that she’d had her entire life because you were too coward to work on your own marriage. Instead you wanted to invade mine.

      -I hate you that anytime I see you now, you have a smug look on your face and act as if you did nothing wrong. It takes everything in me not to slap it off your face.

      -I hate you for your manipulitive ways. My husband was trying to break it off with you. But instead of you bowing out gracefully, you tried to convince him that his relationship with you was making him a better man for me. You bitch!

      -I hate you for mentally taking my H away from me during my pregnancy. I had a diffucult pregnancy and my H was not there for me when I needed him most. My family lives in a different part of the state. And I had no support.

      -I hate you for taking away the joy and excitement of the birth of our son. Instead of my H being able to spend time with us, he was too busy trying to find ways to sneak around with you.

      -I hate you for making me feel inferior. That fact is, you are the inferior one. You only wish you were half the woman I am. I did not try to break up someone’s home. And I can sleep at night knowing that. How are you sleeping?

      -I hate you for the man my H became while with you. He was no longer the sweet, caring, selfless man I fell in love with.

      -I hate you because you and your H are still together, living life as though nothing ever happened.

      -I hate you for trying to take my place. I truly believe in that sick head of yours that you imagined my H would leave me for you and that you would just step in and take my place as a wife to him and a mother to my kids.

      But even more than I “hate” you, I truly pity you and feel sorry for you. Thank God that I AM NOT like you. You are a pathetic excuse of a person. One day the walls will crash in on you. I know that your H only knows part of the truth. And I know that eventually the whole story will come out and your H will know it all. God help you when that happens.

      • alycon

        Great post RecoveringMommy, and remember – what goes around comes around. She’ll get hers, as we say in Bolton.

    • mightbeatranny

      so all of your men were victims of a woman? do you know how nuts that sounds? these men all have free will. the blame is on them, not the other woman. if your man doesn’t honor your marriage why would anyone else.

      very few men will turn down sex. but to go back again and again is another thing. first time its a mistake, after that its a choice. and if your man decides he wants someone else, WHY would you try to make him stay? would you really want to force someone to stay if they no longer loved you, and in fact loved someone else? sounds psycho.

      i feel sorry for the woman who had the affair with my husband. as with anyone who ends up with a cheater; your prize is someone who has proven to be a liar. congrats!

      • Doug

        tranny, You know much of what you say makes sense, but the way you say it pretty much sucks. Have some compassion for Pete’s sake. After all, you say you’ve suffered through infidelity at some point, so you should be quite aware of the pain that the readers of this site are going through. Being condescending or “flaming” others if of no benefit to anyone.

      • D

        Why can’t you blame the other woman? She had a choice as well. Some of us had OW as friends before SHE and our HUSBAND’s made the choice to cross the line. You cannot put the blame on one person, it is a two way street.

        Each situation is unique. Many of us are trying to work on saving our marriages because we love our spouses. We WANT our marriages to work and continue to work. It is not that we are overlooking the infidelity (IT) either. We are approaching IT head on, trying to understand IT, and making sure that IT never rears IT’S ugly head again. Of course we are all hurting too. Cheating sucks, plain and simple.

        However, there are those of us who choose not to save the marriage and move on. We have been hurt severely and cannot see a way to make the relationship as it once was ( and I will say that the relationship will never be the same both good or bad). This is each person’s choice on what will make them happy.

        Please do not come on here to criticize either group. This site is for healing and compassion. If you have neither, which is apparent, then please keep your comments to yourself.

        I know that this sounds harsh too. But this site has helped me through a tough spot in my life. I come here to understand and grow, not be “put down” for the choices I have made in my marriage. I apologize to you all and Doug and Linda. But I wanted to make my voice heard.

    • roller coaster rider

      mightbeatranny sounds a lot like empty and numb aka marie and while there are good questions posed, the spirit of the message kind of obscures them. Right now, today, the thing that seems most true to me is that cheating does cause incredible pain in every person involved, if there is any conscience whatsoever, and surviving it is a long and difficult process. Everyone has to do some serious soul searching to figure out how to move on in life, with or without the marriage. Pat answers aren’t helpful here, but the opportunity to write, vent, interact has been invaluable to my healing, I am sure. I wonder if I’m the only one who is actually glad to say goodbye to the old marriage, but we still grieve the loss of trust and still feel the pain of betrayal.

    • J.C.

      Thank you Linda, you are awesome, I think “why I hate you” comments is the absolute best thing I have read on any blog. My own circumstance is 9+ years ago but I still live though it sometimes like it was yesterday. One day I will post all, but for now just to say that u for saying what most of us really feel.

    • Wendy

      I hate that you made me hate.

    • Broken

      This is interesting, something like this has just happened to me. Is anyone still here? Did you feel any better about the vent?

    • pixie

      I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper is a book for anyone having difficulty coming to terms with their partner’s past relationships – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Kindle or paperback!

    • Disappointed

      This article could have been written by sums everything up so well. The OW has been out of our lives since nov T when her husband discovered all the texts I had found days before. The OW was someone I considered to be a friend. Not a close friend but someone in our circle. Someone to whom I expressed my feelings of invisibility. And she discussed that with my husband during their texting EA with over 1400 texts in the month it lasted. I hate her because I feel she took dvantage

    • Disappointed

      This article could have been written by sums everything up so well. The OW has been out of our lives since nov T when her husband discovered all the texts I had found days before. The OW was someone I considered to be a friend. Not a close friend but someone in our circle. Someone to whom I expressed my feelings of invisibility. And she discussed that with my husband during their texting EA with over 1400 texts in the month it lasted. I hate her because I feel she took advantage. She was a performer and I had done a lot of work to provide her with opportunity to perform and this is how she repaid me. My husband says he is still in love with her and will always love her. He wishes the affair had not happened but says he is not sorry for the feelings and how she awakened him. He moved out and she beieves it is because of her, not our pre existing problems. And I find myself thinking the same things. I want to tell the world what she did, because so far i am the only one who is paying for what happened. My husband has a 6month lease. He ses me and we have great sex, but I dont think he will return. So far I have not had the strength to shut down on him. I am also trying to keep the company going. My husband is stil tryng to protect her. I want to return a gift she gave me months b4 this all happened, but think that will make her feel more powerful. How do I get her out of my head and out of his head. As long as she is there, there will be no room for me.

    • Anita

      Hi again, my heart goes out to you, I remember feeling just
      what your feeling right now in these blogs. I remember
      our marriage counselor telling me, an affair is like a big
      garbage truck coming up to you and dumping everything
      down your throat, and little by little you need to pick each
      piece of litter out and go through it. As far as the other
      woman forget about her, she’s not worth a moment of
      your time. She has problems of her own, otherwise she
      wouldn’t have gotten herself into this mess. Hold your
      head up high around her, you have done nothing wrong.
      Someday I am sure she will feel shame and embarrassement
      over her actions. I know this sounds like alot at this moment
      but the biggest gift you could give yourself is to forgive
      both of them, I know how that seems impossible, but
      it is for you. Forgiving them releases the poison from
      you and your not left stewing in it. I know that is a huge
      leap but its works. Forgiveness doesn’t happen over
      night, it happens little by little. There is also a saying
      he who angers you controls you. This is why forgivness
      works. God also says leave vengeance to him, and he will
      repay. I paraphazed it, but its Romans 12verse19.
      Disappointed your in a grieving process right now so
      be good to yourself, and keep blogging it helps release
      the built up feelings you have.

    • Anita

      Forgiveness doesn’t make them right, because they were wrong, but the reason for forgiving, is releasing the poison,
      from you. God also asks us to forgive others.
      I remember telling my ex husband how angry I was and
      that I never had not forgiven someone, but his affair was
      the hardest and most painful thing to forgive, I remember
      thinking how impossible that was, but I was wrong, because
      once I cryed out to God, I cryed for him to help me to
      forgive, and it happened little by little over a period of
      a couple of years.
      Hang in there and let God help mend your broken heart.

    • cal

      6 days after D-Day…

      I hate her for pretending to be so devoutly religious in public while carrying on a Facebook affair with a married man.
      I hate her for the tears in my sons’ eyes when they found out their parents were separating.
      I hate you because after you knew I knew, you proposed to my husband.
      I hate you for threatening to call me and give me a piece of your mind after finding out that I knew and was devastated.
      I hate you for thinking you had the right to sit in judgement of me and my ‘issues’ when you only ever had his side of the story about our problems.
      I hate finding out now that he considers you a lifelong friend who he never ever mentioned to me.
      I hate that you have a man’s name making it easier to conceal your identity among the group of his friends.
      I am glad you live 2000 miles away so I am sure he’s never been to see you.
      But I hate that now I either have to live with a cheater or divorce a man with stage 4 cancer and no job, making everyone think I am a monster.

      It has helped so much to read this site. It is gratifying to know that forgiveness and reconciliation is possible, but discouraging to know how much longer I can expect to feel hurt and humiliated.

    • chiffchaff

      I hate you because you did not respect my husband enough to ask him to leave me before sleeping with you and as a result he has lost his self-respect.

    • csb

      My List – What the Other Woman Has Taught Me

      1. You can never be confident that you have a good marriage
      2. The only one you can rely on is yourself.
      3. Go with your gut…if you feel something’s wrong, it probably is.
      4. It doesn’t matter how beautiful, smart or classy you are…if you throw it out there, you will find someone to take it.
      5. Just because you consider your spouse your “best friend”, that doesn’t mean they are.
      6. No matter how well you know a person, you don’t know what they are capable, no matter how much time together, or what words are spoken.

      These are lessons I wish I never learned.

    • Stephanie

      This is how I have been feeling since the end of March! She insisted she only felt “just friends” for him. When she asked about his feelings, he said “It was more, until [Steph] started giving what [he] needed”… I requested no contact at that point, and she flipped out. Husband agreed with me. He valued our marriage much more than some stupid “friendship” with this chick. I really and truly hate you, Kristina V.A.!! You knew all about my side of our problems and used it to your advantage, while telling him about YOUR relationship woes! Looking back, I don’t believe one word of it. I think you ALWAYS had a thing for MY husband, and you finally had your “in”…until I told him how much I love him and want to work on the marriage… leaving you exactly where you belonged..OUT IN THE COLD! You are a selfish BITCH! I wish I could “un-see” those texts and pictures. Trust is taking time to rebuild. But rest assured, it is getting there. But I hate you, just the same.

    • Bre

      Laura, I am so sorry for the hurt and pain you were caused. I am in the same situation and it really helped to read your post. It feels better to just get these feelings “off my chest” I hope a year later life has gotten better.

    • Disappointed

      I find myself thinking about the OW a lot as I am trying to accept that my H simply does not love me as he should love his wife. She replaced me even though they cannot be together and NC for 10 months. She was playing a game with no intention of leaving her family. I know she pursued him and he ressponded immediately to the attention. I hate that she replaced me in his heart. I hate that she was a friend and knew who she would hurt and was selfish and did it anyway. I hate that because she is smaller and more athletic I feel inferior. I hate that beecause she is a stay-at-home mom she had all the time in the world to text all day or. Do whatever she wanted while I was working. I hate that he compares me to her, that she is the measuring stick not me. I hate that my h asked for an open marriage as only road to reconciliation when I know he would not request the same from her. I hate that my H craves the high of infatuation now and says he knows he can never get that from me. I hate that I cant be new. I hate that he does not want to feel that way about me. I truly hate my life right now and have no idea where I will find the strength to get through this. I am tired nd discouraged and sad, and maybe finally getting angry.

    • Letusgoandmakeourvisit

      My situation is very similar. Although my wife has been NC for about 10 months, OM is still on her mind and in her heart. This married man, who has a long track record of this kind of conduct and other bad deeds, conjured a fantasy in her mind and she’s still addicted to it. Try not to feel bad about yourself; the comparison your husband is making is between a real you and a fantasy that doesn’t actually exist.

      You are the strong one. You are the one who has the character to be be faithful and protect your family. Take a deep breath and think about the bulwark of strength you are against the selfish impulses of your husband and this childless woman.

      In my case, I have ten years until my kids are in college. For me it’s really important that they not have a broken home. In the interim, I am going to be a great father and live my life fully. If my wife and I fall in love again–great. If not, I have no concerns about finding a wonderful person to be with in the future.

    • Disappointed

      LUGM – thanks for commenting. I know he is weak and I am strong. I just get tired of being strong sometimes. I know she was just a fantasy, but it hurts so much. She is a married mother of two who still has her kids and her husband. I go home to an empty house – he moved out 4 days after I confronted him. Has an apartment near where he works. We have no children because he did not want any and that is the sacrifice I made to be with him. He needs to be center of attention so kids would never have worked. When I said “you would be a stepfather to her kids?” He said he would have done it gladly because she would not expect him to, in contrast to me who had too many expectations according to him. One time when he was angry he told me if I had been a better wife and companion he would have been willing to have kids with me. I know that was just emotional abuse. I know eventually he would be just as abusive to her or anyone he is with. He is very unhappy with himself and that he never realized his dreams. I hope someday to know what it is like to be appreciated and cherished. I always knew my parents loved each other, what i did not realize is that their marriage was the exception, not the rule. Hence my name: disappointed.

    • Strength required

      I love this – what I hate about the ow.

      You summed it up nicely.

      I will add, I hate how you worked your way into my h arms
      I hate how you call yourself family, family don’t do that, no matter how disappointing your marriage was.
      I hate how you used your children do try and break my family, by having them create rumors.
      I hate how you would manipulate my h into thinking I was seeing your h, so he would question me. I don’t know your h.
      I hate how you deliberately showed off photos too my sons of you and my h together smiling with a rose between you. My sons won’t ever forget that pain.
      I hate how every time my h would try and leave you, you would manipulate him into thinking you can’t live without him because you love him so much, and ave him feel sorry for you.
      I hate how you have no remorse.
      I hate how you did not care for my children, even one who was a baby.
      I hate how you took my h from his children when they needed him.
      I hate how you are my h relative, I will never be rid of you unless I rid myself of my h.
      I do feel pity and sorry for you, as eventually the error of your ways will hit you ten fold. Yay for karma, wish it would happen now though not later.
      I feel sorry for your children, as they don’t have a good role model in you.
      I feel sorry for you because you think you have done nothing wrong.
      I feel sorry for you because you have no self respect, no morals, no dignity.
      I feel sorry for you to think that my h would leave his family for you. He knows life isn’t greener on the otherside.
      I feel sorry for you because you don’t know what true love is.
      I feel sorry that your children will think it is ok to hurt others.

    • I'm Still Here

      I saw this and although it originated two years ago I thought it most fitting; especially since that is when I found out about the affair. I did hate the OW but now it is more of a situation of wishing she would disappear from civilization without a trace.
      So my list is not I hate you because instead my list is


      1. Our marriage was horrible because of his selfish behavior and PTSD. I lived in hell for most of the 28 years before you came along.
      2. His mistreatment is why he wasn’t getting any and was no excuse for you to fill in.
      3. I begged for 8 years for him to go with me to marriage counseling and he refused because he didn’t want to hear someone tell him he was wrong.
      4. Because you were unhappy in your marriage for 3 years but couldn’t afford a divorce, you and that sick ex- best friend of his/ex-husband of yours, saw an opportunity to have someone take you off of his hands and my husband was just that stupid.
      5. Every time he wanted to end it you reeled him in that much more, with help from your ex.
      6. Finally you were willing to spend a lot of money to fly here to seal the deal by screwing my husband while that pimp of a husband of yours supported it.
      7. You asked me how much of a woman must I be if he was willing to cheat with you after 28 years of marriage. Better question is how much of a woman must you be if he had enough of you after only 2 days of screwing you?
      8. You tried to black mail him with pictures you had. Do you really think I let him get rid of that pre-paid phone before I took the memory card from it?
      9. You pathetically kept trying to contact him and even used your ex to do it for you but to no avail because he used you to have some free sex and to get my attention and threw you away like a used condom.
      10. Speaking of which, I know you were trying to get pregnant by not using one but we both know you’re a little long in the tooth for that.
      11. He is here with me, he is done with you, he is happy where he is, yet your sick ex is still trying to contact because even after the divorce he still can’t get you out of his house.
      12. He will never have anything to do with you again. If he does somehow lose his mind and go there just know that I still have all of the evidence from the first time.Those pictures might be a bit embarrassing in count I would think. I will have more the second time and he will walk away very poor because no judge is going to deny me after I gave him another chance and he stabbed me in the back again. I’d move on to richer pastures if I were you.
      13. Posting Christian sites and comments on your Facebook is a little hypocritical don’t you think?

    • Leah

      I hate the way it/u make me feel every sec of every day , constant reminder I hate the way i will never look him in the eyes without doubt or pure trust , or respect . I hate the way i blame myself . I hate the way i have no confidence every time i look in the mirror i compare my self . I hate the way i feel i will never love him like i once did . I hate he feels he wasn’t really doin anything seriously wrong . I hate the way i always feel the need to question every little thing he does says wants .. I hate the way i am always wondering if these feelings will ever subside … It had been 8 months and feels as tho it was 8 minutes ago …. I hate the way my life will never be the same

    • Gdbyhpy

      I am new and I am the one you hate. I have my own hate list.
      I hate myself for hurting you.
      I hate myself for the pain I caused everyone
      I hate myself that I can’t look myself in the mirror
      I hate that I for ever will be in issue for you.
      I hate that I will never be a role model for my children
      I hate myself for being stupid
      I hate myself for not respecting your union or mine
      I hate that you forever will have triggers because of me
      I hate that forever I will live in shame
      I hate the choices I made that created all this.
      I hate that I didn’t think of anyone it would hurt

      • Doug

        Gdbyhpy, thanks for sharing and best wishes to you as you attempt to salvage your relationship.

    • Rachel

      Well, divorce day will be tomorrow. I am feeling strong and my dress is simply awesome ! Bright and colorful . My jewelry simple. A string of pearls and my mom, daughter and four-leaf clover Alex and ani bracelets.
      I still feel the rejection and I’m not sure if that will ever end. But this a new beginning for me. I have been deep down in that hole and I have finally crawled out and will NEVER enter it again.

      • DJ

        Rachel – I have read your comments over time, and I find your journey inspiring. You have come such a long way! I pray that you will find real and lasting happiness in your future.

      • Doug

        I hope it goes well for you today – finally! Let us know how it turns out.

    • Paula

      Where’s the like button? Rachel, you are just fantastic – and your outfit sounds lovely. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. The world is your oyster xxx

    • sherma

      I am so very glad to find a place … to rest.
      It’s been a long time for me, and I am very tired.
      I hate.
      I hate myself. Yes. First and foremost, I hate myself. I hate that for 26 years I have continued to put another ahead of myself — one who clearly doesn’t deserve that standing. What a betrayal of me. I hate myself for that. I hate myself when I look in the mirror. I see a woman I have utter contempt for. I hate that, and I hate her.
      I hate you for what you’ve done to me and for what you haven’t done to me. I hate you for being weak all this time. I even hate you for being weak before I even knew you or cared to know you. I hate that you have all these very plausible and even pause-able excuses for your sick, twisted, dishonest behavior. I hate that the marriage counselor has pity for you. I hate that you pity yourself and that you’ve pitied yourself all this time — over forty years now — enough to hide and cower from truth and honesty. I hate you and that lil bitty boy inside you that plays hide and seek when it’s time to stand and deal. I hate that lil bitty boy — tell him I said it. Tell the marriage counselor I said it too. I hate that that the two of you, yes you and that $200 an hour counselor, can take it slow and easy and continue to play hide and seek with a dysfunction that has stolen my very soul. I hate that it takes you forever to answer a simple question with yes or no — like it’s a game-changer or a deposition — because you’ve lied so much you’re afraid that any minute your lies and life will fall down underneath you while you surf your way down with it. I hate that you now even dream about your lies. I hate that the very first minute you spent with me as a man, you were lying and hiding the truth from me — a truth that would change my life forever. I hate you for locking me out — both literally and figuratively — so that I would cry out to a stranger for help and solace. I hate that you look at my courage and find it repulsive because of your own cowardice. I hate that you stole my youth and beauty and passion, but not for yourself and your own enjoyment — you stole it to keep anyone else from having it and enjoying me. I hate how you killed me emotionally and buried me in the closet with all your other skeletons. I hate how you slept in the bed with me naked beside you wanting you and needing you while that ****ed lil boy inside you giggled hysterically at my pain. I hate that you reached out to a sorry slut twice my size in the first five years of our marriage. I hate that you courted her on the phone while I went to church and prayed for our marriage. I hate that I waited up for you while you’d been with her and lied upon your return. I hate that you crawled into bed with me after being with her. I hate that you swore a cowardly lie on your own lil girl’s life that you were telling the truth about her and nothing going on with her. I hate that you let your family know about your feelings for her. I hate that you courted her at your grown brother’s house in front of a crowd. I hate that you slept naked in the bed with her and didn’t care who knew. I hate that I ever let you even look on my face after that because you didn’t deserve the opportunity. I hate that I tried to forgive someone who didn’t want to be forgiven — not really — but just wanted to not talk about it anymore and hide from it and bury it in the closet with the rest of the dysfunction. I hate that I let you back into my life after betraying me the first time. I hate myself for allowing you back after wounding me so early in our marriage. I hate that you put yourself out to be something that you were not. I hate that you cried to keep me — big crocodile tears — that weren’t remotely real but just tools that the lil bitty boy inside helped you squeeze out. I hate that you never kissed me. Never hugged me. Never made me feel wanted. I hate that I know what it feels like to go almost two years without sex while a tall dark handsome stranger lay beside me in bed — wanting anything and anybody and even his own hand more than me. I hate that within the first ten years of our marriage you had chosen a second woman to focus your attention on while I had to focus my attention on the dying and live skeleton of my brother. I hate that for 6 months I was chained to death while you tried to figure out ways to talk to an immoral, unethical, adulterous, stalker of a women at your work. I hate how you risked everything to touch and be touched by such a skank while I had to pray to get through the vomit and nausea and stench of death tied to me because of responsibility and honor and love. I hate that you so obviously find responsibility and honor and love repulsive because it is so inversely proportional to what you are and what you are attracted to. I hate that you chased a woman on your job at great peril to your livelihood and life while at the very same moments I was chasing death — away from my brother’s bedside while he was so afraid to die. I hate that I knew all the while that you were cheating but my own honor was stronger than my desire for truth. I hate that you dared to even visit my brother while you were engaged in your deceit — in his condition he didn’t deserve the likes of your kind in his hospital room. I hate how you put on a show of being my partner at the funeral. I hate how you posture yourself and how important that is to you in public when you’ve done nothing all these years to change the despicable man you see in the mirror. I hate how you let me look for comfort after watching such suffering while you whiled away your workdays in the throws of lust. I hate that you were such a coward that your brother had to announce the news of your cowardice affair while I was attending a deathbed vigil. I hate that the news of your affair was announced over the Thanksgiving table at your dysfunctional family’s house — less than a month after my brother’s death. I hate, hate, hate that you didn’t have the decency to tell the truth at the time. I hate that you have such little pride in yourself that you’d make your own brother out to be a liar. I hate that you allowed that woman to call our house. I hate that you lay in bed in front of me while speaking with warmth and compassion to her but have contempt for me and my pain. I hate that I didn’t rip your sorry phallus off and beat you with it until you cried like the scared lil bitty boy that you are. I hate that I didn’t find her and tie her naked in a stockade. I hate that I didn’t take up her husband’s offer for revenge sex. I hate that I didn’t hire an airplane to fly over your job and reveal what a slut she was. I hate that you still have such little negative to say about her but can spout off an f-ing list a mile long about me. I hate that the sorry slut wasn’t held accountable for what she did to me or my girls. I hate that no one held you accountable for what you did to me and my girls. I hate, hate, hate, that you didn’t hold your own self accountable. I hate how you run from the truth unless it conveniently offers you an opportunity to use it as a shield from being exposed in yet another lie. I hate that there aren’t any red herrings in our marriage — just real damn stinking fish everywhere. I hate that you had Herpes 2 on the day that we went out on our very first date and you kept it a secret for 25 years. I hate that when you finally did tell the truth about the Herpes that you yet had to tell another lie to cover up for the Herpes. I hate that you didn’t tell me that your first marriage ended because you cheated on the job. I hate that you withheld sex from your first wife just like you did with me. I hate that I haven’t found that pitiful woman and told her all your sorry truth — in case it helps her heal. I hate that I hate to waste one minute of my life dealing with your lies or sickness. I hate that you made me the scapegoat for all your abuse. I hate that the lil bitty boy in you is giggling now … now that it’s be being punished instead of you. I hate your ****ed up Ku Klux Klan father who sacrificed you right along with all those black folks he burned up and out! I hate, hate, hate, that I have any sympathy at all for you — or that lil bitty beaten boy inside o’ you. I hate that now duty, and honor, and morality, and goodness keeps me tied to another rotting buy live corpse of a man … you. I hate you. But I hate me more … for still loving you.

    • Cherry

      Linda, how can you be positive that the EA wasn’t a PA? Just because the CS says so? Not good enough for me. Would a polygraph be a good idea?

      • betrayedchump

        Here is something that I wish I would have done to my CS, bought a voice activated recorderplaced it in her vehicle & one in our house. Then recorded her conversations she was having with her EA SCUMBAG MM! Yes I am sure it would have been very painful to listen to their voices as they talked about their lustful fantasy lives without their married partners! However there is NO WAY they would be able to deny what really was going on between them when the recording was played back to her! No need for a polygraph then & VAR’s cost a lot less than a polygraph!!!!!!!!!!!

    • AnnaB

      Linda, reading your list reduced me to floods of tears! I think it’s because it is exactly how am I feeling, and I am so grateful for your honesty. I told my sister-in-law about my H’s affair, and she cannot understand how all my hatred and anger is directed at the OW. I’ve tried explaining that if I directed it at my H we would never move on, but she keeps saying that the OW didn’t owe me anything. Well, the OW was an acquaintance, so yes she did owe me something! She owed me respect and the courtesy of not lying to me to my face. And after I found out, she tried to say that the pair of them just had ‘banter.’ I don’t think you need to book into hotels for banter!!!! It’s been three and a half years, so although the hatred is still there it isn’t controlling me. The triggers are having less of an impact but are still there every day. I hate her so much that I want her to feel the intense pain that I have felt. But I guess if she was willing to cheat on her husband and children with a married man, she may not have the decency to empathise. Other reasons to hate her: for making me consider the humiliation of an STI test and the need for marriage guidance and also individual counselling sessions. For making certain locations impossible for me to visit – beautiful places in London that I cannot bear to go to because they went there together. Sometimes I have several triggers in one day and it seems as though they are there for a reason, and I get convinced that they are a sign that it is going to happen again! I’m a reasonably intelligent person, yet I have these wacky moments where I think they must be an omen! I was even considering seeing a clairvoyant to see if the two of them were still seeing each other. Clearly all this has affected my mind in a negative way, which is very sad. Like Linda said, I am not the happy-go-lucky, carefree person I once was, which I hate the B the most for. Thanks again for making me feel normal x

    • broken heart

      I hate you They Gonzales,

      I hate you for pretending you care about my husband when what you really want is someone to bring you to the states and support you and your child.

      I hate you for constantly asking my husband if our relationship is worth it.

      I hate you for pretending to be there for my husband when I couldn’t be there because I was exhausted of taking care of our 5 children and our newborn twins who never napped in the day who cried all night and wanted to be held by me all day and all night.

      I hate you for making me think that I was the one at fault, for making me think that only if I paid more attention to my husband instead of constantly taking care of my premature babies.

      I hate you for making him think that you are better than me. When you are able to care for his 5 children, cook for him, clean for him, make him lunch and still listen to his dumb jokes and not be tired at all.

      I hate you for who you are the lying, manipulating, conniving little ugly biatch that you are.

      I efen hate you period.

    • Nancy

      The OW was a close friend to me … I thought. I had a suspicion about my husband and actually asked them. They (of course) made adamant denials. This happened 30 years ago for approximately 3 years off and on that they would meet for sex. She was married as well but her husband was very physically and emotionally abusive. My husband just recently finally admitted to the affair. My list for her would be a Hate list but I am trying to rid my self of her by making it a PITY list. Here goes …
      I pity:
      That you lack self esteem.
      That you endured a marriage of abuse .
      That your mother died when you were a toddler and was raised by a stepmother and your father and it was not good.
      That your children had to grow up in such a dysfunctional environment.
      That your daughters have you as a role model.
      That you actually have no morals.
      That you choose to ignore all codes that ‘friends / women’ need to support each other not stab each other in the back.
      That you were degraded by your husband and by meeting with my husband whenever he wanted (even if months and months had gone by) was allowing him to degrade you as well.
      That even though you said you were ashamed; you continued to come around me and my family showing you truly had no conscience.
      That even after my husband had stopped calling you to meet up with him you continued to come around…I think hoping he would start back up with you. This implies to me that this meant more to you than it did to him.
      That you have to look in the mirror and know what a pathetic low down person you are.
      That you felt anger and I am sure shame when you learned that I had informed some of your friends that I knew as well just what type of person you really are.
      That your oldest daughter dislikes you so much.
      That you live in fear that your son who likes and respects me so much will find out about you .
      That your youngest daughter is a snake just like you .
      That you continue to have to seek ‘love’ from whomever with no regards to the consequences.
      That after all of these years (because you thought you were going to take this to your grave) you actually told me that you would do it again because it was ‘good’…how PITIFUL and SAD.
      Now, what I am GLAD about…here goes …
      I am glad:
      You came into my life because I was naive. I needed to know that people like you exist.
      That my daughters grew up in an environment totally opposite of your children .
      That my children were brought in the church.
      That my daughters have me as a role model and love and RESPECT me.
      That I can always look in the mirror and see a person that has no shame.
      That (contrary to what he did) my husband does love me, respect me and totally regrets his actions, understands what he has done to our family and is determined to work at getting our family back to the best it can be … Daughters included.
      That I have a supportive family.
      That I know or feel I know what motivated you to do what you did: low self esteem, possibly some child abuse and the green-eyed monster called envy.
      That I am able to separate what really matters (my life, my daughters, my husband and those that love me) and what does not matter…namely you!

    • Natalie

      Thank you for writing this. You said so many things that I would like to say to the woman my partner of 19 years recently had an emotional affair with. We are not married but have been together for nearly 20 years and have 2 kids. I met him when I was 19 and have never loved anyone else.

      He reconnected with his “first love” after 25 years after she sent him a friend request on Facebook. From the moment the woman appeared, she made her intentions quite clear, with the very first message she sent him reading verbatim, “Remember we always said if we were not married by the time we are 40, we would get together! Well I am not 40 yet (she’s 39) and we are both in relationships, but hey, who knows, right?” To which he replied, “You’re right. You never know. Life is full of twists and turns.” I called him out on the messages immediately and put a stop to it, or so I thought. And rather than get terribly angry, I tried to internalize it ask myself what I’d done wrong for the man I knew so well to betray me in such a manner.

      He has never been this kind of person and through all his flaws, I believed him to be a faithful partner. I NEVER thought that another woman could sway him from me after all these years. Boy, was I wrong.

      As I was putting all these extra efforts into keeping the fire in our relationship, little did I know he’d written the woman’s phone number down that day before I intercepted their messages and began calling her less than a month after the Facebook contact. I didn’t discover everything until December- A full 6 months after their little phone affair began. She got brave enough to text him at 11 pm one night and he so happened to be in the shower, so I saw the text.

      The next day I went online and checked out phone records and discovered they had been talking all day, nearly every day while each of them was at work. Every lunch break, every drive to work, every drive home…and texting all day in between. She has a partner and children of her own but she expressed to him how unhappy she was and outright asked him if he’d ever consider leaving me for her. He claims he told her no, and I choose to believe because he had no reason to bring that to my attention in the first place, but just how intimate were their discussions for her to feel free enough to ask that question?

      I confronted her and told her exactly what I think of her, though I do wish I’d said even more I chose not to send the phone records to her husband or make him aware of the situation. My partner has cut off all contact with her and I know that for a fact because I still check the phone records every day. I just don’t want to bring bad karma onto myself and my own family by trying to tear down hers in retaliation. I’ve chosen to take the high road but I did tell her with certainty that if her number EVER appears on his call log again, I will expose everything. She lives in another state, so there is no concern on my part about them seeing each other again and I truly believe he regrets doing this to me…But I still don’t know if I can forgive him.

      There are days when I think I can but then there are days like today where I just want to pack my bags and start over. I don’t think this man can truly even FATHOM how much he has hurt me. I held him on a pedastal so high. My heart breaks at the thought of leaving him but also at the thought of staying with him knowing I will never again feel secure in his love for me.

      • texasmom

        Natalie, why does he have a huge problem with committing to you? Why hasn’t he asked you to marry him after all these years and 2 children? They say when a man lives with a woman first, he will always have a renter’s mentality. He will always view the relationship as a rented one, not one he owns. I believe this is true as it has happened to me also. I will never view my husband in the same light either. I don’t think they have any idea how they have truly hurt us to the inner core of our very being.

    • Christy

      Oh my! I was just screaming all of these things alone in my bathroom this morning as I try to gather myself for another day of “faking I am OK”. I am 6 months out from discovering my husbands EA that occurred 2 years ago. I hate her and like you, this is not my usual character. I am usually forgiving, tolerant, level headed, see the best in everyone and the lesson in every tragedy type of person. However I cannot find that person anymore since my husbands EA. I have tried to forgive him, tried to see the state he was in when the EA happened, but I just can’t soften my heart to find forgiveness. And I have a husband who is doing everything he can to make things right and win my love back. He brought himself out of his affair fog long before I found out, saw his mistakes and has secretly been trying to make it up to me long over the last 2 years. So why I am I such a hateful unforgiving person now. I know at this point it’s all in my hands and I am the one in control of whether we survive or don’t. He is literally doing back flips to heal us…why can’t I move on and forgive? He was my world, the love of my life, the one person I gave my whole heart to unconditionally and without fear. Why can’t I find that heart i once had inside myself? Thank you so much for writing this. Even though you wrote it many years ago, it clearly is still helping others to this day.

    • Christina

      This is a tough one for me. Having been through this before and now having to watch a friend go through this. When I found out about the EA I gave my H one chance, only to find he was back msg the OW after a year. Ouch. As much as I would love to blame her, HE is the one that chose to carry on, even though I had given him the ultimatum. If he couldn’t honour one promise why would I trust him again? Now my best friend is going through this. She has forgiven her H 3 times….about to be a fourth. She also confronted the OW, to find out (yes, I was there and read this too) that it is her H who is constantly messaging, calling and txting the OW. Thats when I felt sorry for both my friend and the OW, as both are suffering. I have found out the OW has placed a restraining order against the H, and my friend is about to be in pain once again. How many times does it take before you have to admit defeat???

    • Jill

      I was married for 16 years, and found my (now ex husband) chatting with other women on the computer after 4 weeks of our marriage. I caught him 4 different times through this 16 year marriage and always buried it deep in my heart and went on with life and put on that happy face you all are speaking of. I never got over seeing her face on the computer and thinking how fat & ugly she was. (she was a red head…remember that). I finally divorced him and a weight was taken off my shoulders instantly! I have always had that insecurity deep down about my self, but you would never know it…I’m a strong person on the outside, with a full time management position and 3 boys. My life had to go on with this “happy go lucky” attitude to others. About 7 mos ago I started dating a man that had been in a 20 year ugly marriage where his wife controlled his every move! He didn’t know how to open a bank account, write a check, pay bills online, make out a budget, NOTHING money related!! He knew how to cook & clean and work hard everyday. He complimented me everyday in some way or another. He held my hand, he kissed me on the cheek, and he did it in a way I finally started to overcome my insecurities that I had carried all these years. A few weeks ago he started acting funny and I felt this distance between us, I questioned him and his answer was I’m not like “B” (my ex) and basically made me feel I needed to get over my thoughts. We went on a FL vacation together and during that vacation I could feel this distance more and more. We kept getting into little fights over stupid things…totally not like us. He kept telling me that I was being insecure and made me think it was all my fault that I was having these thoughts. Well, low and behold 2 weeks ago I received a FB message from a lady in Kansas telling me that I needed to ask my boyfriend about the girl in KS, and about the naked pictures he had been sending her. My heart dropped from my chest. My first feeling was pure anger…I went right over to his house and confronted him with it, where he admitted to everything and told me how sorry he was and that he “didn’t know why he did it”. (like I haven’t heard that one before) He has answered every question I have asked him, and seemed remorseful. I couldn’t believe and still can’t believe this happened to me AGAIN! My ex husband keeps telling me how much he misses me, and how he wants us to get back together, so I don’t feel that I was “that bad” of a wife. And my BF has done everything possible to fix this situation. I keep going through these different levels as I’m trying to deal with this shit! My first level was anger, and questioning, then it turned to comfort, I wanted him to touch me and prove to me he wants to be with me. I still had all the raging questions that would pop up in my head, but I was able to calm myself enough to get through them. Now this feeling of depression & hatred has came over me and it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about going thru this and forgiving him. I want to sleep all the time, I had a very hard time getting out of bed this morning and coming to work. I don’t want to do anything to myself, no hair, no makeup, no desire to dress up and look nice, so unlike me! I want to lash out at him…I want him to hurt like I’m hurting…I want him to feel the pain and hurt that I feel. I want him to prove to me that he is truly sorry and I want him to smother me with love. I have been attending counseling for the past 2 weeks and he is starting his first session tonight. Please pray that we can find peace and honesty in our relationship or that we part ways and I can find my true self again. I’m so tired of being someone I’m not. Thank you to everyone that has expressed their feeling on here. Even though it totally sucks going through this, it helps knowing I’m not alone! Prayers to everyone that is hurting today!

      • Doug

        Jill, thanks for sharing your story and we wish you the very best as you travel your healing journey – again. Take care!

    • Michelle

      Firstly I want to thank you for putting into words what I’ve found so difficult to express.

      I feel ecerything that was written there and then some.

      Going through this is hard because even though they didn’t sleep with one another they shared intimate conversations and I feel like she stole a part of my husband that was never hers to take.

      I called this girl the day that I found out and we had a long conversation and my husband heard the whole thing. This woman told me that she respects me and I can’t help but feel that she is the most repulsive and disrespectful woman alive.

      I have this pool of hate in my heart and she continues to message and call my husband in an attempt to draw him in again and there’s a part of me that wonders if he’s really let her go and if I’ll ever be able to trust him again.

      I have days where I’m in complete bliss and I love the guy but then something will happen or a song will play and then all these emotions keep flooding me and it feels like I’m drowning.

      I don’t tell my husband this because I don’t want to hurt him or make him feel bad and then I feel like a complete idiot because he should feel bad and he should see what his leaving things open has done to me.

      I question whether he loves me and genuinely wants to be here every now and then and I don’t want to feel that anymore.

      How do you move on from something like this?

    • Angela

      I want to write the I Hate You Letter to my husband.

    • Ginger

      I can’t thank you enough for this. I discovered my husbands EA three years ago. He had been texting this POS behind my back for years. The first year all I heard from him is how he couldn’t talk to me and how it was my fault. He told me he woke up one day and realized she was his best friend and not me. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish a big kick in the ass from KARMA directed at her. Everyone tells me it’s so unhealthy. But it makes me feel good and I’m not the type of person who wishes pain on anyone. This post reinforced and validated that I’m allowed to hate someone, for as long as I need to. I read it takes 2 1/2 to 5 years to recover from an EA. I’m going to take all the time I need. After all, he took years of texts and calls for his needs and my trust and faith in ppl away from me so now it’s my turn.

    • Cheryl

      I hate you Michele Joan Glazewski. Nice women code of ethics

    • jennet

      Linda I agree with everything you say and more. Trouble is it doesn’t make you feel that much better as hate eats away at you
      It consumes your every thought.
      The way I’ve dealt with this Is not to give her any power over me and if you hate that is her power and she’s not worth it not one bit. It’s taken me 3 years since DD to get to where I am now and none of it has been easy in fact the complete opposite but I’m here enjoying my life as best I can. She has no place in it now because I won’t let her in. What I do hope is that her life is perhaps not so good as she pretended to be a friend to us and I know her husband aswell and let me tell you he won’t be as forgiving as me. Good luck to anyone that is in this horrible place called ‘, infidelity ‘

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