I had a great Mother’s day…well, at least for the first four hours or so, and then it went downhill from there. As usual, Doug and the kids made my day special, but they were no match for what awaited me when we went to my parent’s home for dinner.
My brother and his girlfriend/affair partner also joined us for dinner, and though it was a pleasant enough time, just watching them made me sick to my stomach. It wasn’t anything they did or said, but it was a phone call that I received just moments after the two of them arrived that got me so upset.
The phone call was from my niece – my brother’s daughter – who had called with the intent of wishing her grandmother a happy Mother’s day. We got to talking, and naturally the conversation evolved into a heart-to-heart about her father’s infidelity, the resulting breakup of her parents, the immense pain her mother has endured and her (my niece) being thrown in the middle of it all, which has created a life-changing event for her that will be tough to recover from.
She has witnessed her father, whom she at one time loved and respected more than anyone, become an immature, dishonest and manipulated man. Her mother has morphed into a helpless, depressed and bitter woman. My niece has been elected the sounding board for each. Lucky her!
She is finally to the point where she is so fed up, that she has had to put a stop to it. No more will she allow her father or mother to bad-mouth the other. No more will she be the “messenger” because her parents will not speak to each other. No more will she put up with the lies, misrepresentations and deceit.
It’s such a shame. Here is a girl in her twenties who is just embarking out into a life of her own and she has been so damaged by this infidelity that she feels she is unable to establish or maintain a loving, trusting relationship with anyone else – at least not yet. The possibilities frighten her to death.
She will soon be starting therapy for something her parents caused, and though I’m confident that she is strong enough to get through this, I have to wonder what the long term effects will be with respect to trust and intimacy in her future relationships. I’m betting on her, but I suppose we know who to blame if she has issues down the road.
What’s even more irritating is how her parents were so wrapped up in their own issues that they would thrust such responsibility, stress and anxiety on their own child. There certainly was a major malfunction in their family dynamics. I guess it happens all the time in the wonderful world of infidelity and divorce.
23 replies to "Infidelity Devastates a Kid"
Besides the immense love I have for my wife, I have 4 very important reasons to give this marriage everything I have. They are 14, 12, 9, and 4. They mean the world to me and WE have spent so much time creating this family that it makes no sense to throw it all away on some jerk who wants to play with my wife’s feelings. The truth is, humans are susceptible to mistakes, we are easily tempted. You don’t truly grow up and resist what is wrong for you until you realize just how right things are.
Unconditional love is given and not always received. I watched my parent’s divorce because my father had an affair with my mother’s best friend. When we were kids we were crushed. I won’t watch my kids go through that. I will either fix this marriage or I will walk away peacefully. Regardless of how it happens, my kids will always feel loved and at peace. As their father I owe them that.
I am glad I am not the only man going through this right now. My babies are 14, 5, 3, and 2. It kills me to see my daughters, the two youngest of the four, cry of for their mommy after she has left. I have been dealing with this for almost 4 months now and am not sure how much more I can take. I Love my wife with all my heart and we are in family therapy, but now it is not just hurting me, it is hurting the children. I wish I could shake her until she comes out of her fog, but since she is getting the best of both worlds (the sex and financial security from me, and who knows what from him) I do not expect her to come back to reallity any time soon. She has told me on numerous times that she has not decided yet who she wants to be with, but she is spending more and more time with him and it is quality alone time without the interuption of kids. God, please grant me a do over.
Ronald,
That is a hard situation. I was there, but at the time my wife was not being honest about who it was. I finally found out that it was my best friend. The guy that I was sharing my side of the story with. He had all the ammo in the world to make sure he was the one she saw as “her soul mate”. He had insider information that made it seem like he was the perfect husband. Yet, he was cheating on his own wife….go figure.
My heart goes out to you. It is so sad what people are willing to do to others for their own pleasure. The sad thing is that your wife will either realize her mistake, and stay, or if she stays in denial, she will end up repeating the mistake. I never understood how someone sees their life getting better with ANOTHER cheater?
My wife says that once the mistake was made, she felt that he was the only one that knew the “real her” and still loved her. She finally came back to me after he moved to Pittsburgh, and dropped her like a rock. She cried over him leaving her, and I still stayed. So, I hear you on the do over.
Very admirable, B. May God bless you.
B-
Mine are 13 and 9. I know exactly how you feel.
Linda,
I am glad that you shared that. I was also reminded on Mother’s Day how cheaters often never consider the impact of their choices on those around them. When the cheating occurs in your own family, you are reminded of it at all the family get togethers. It is like a bad dream that won’t ever end. What makes it worse is that the cheater talks about how they ‘love’ the kids and would never think of ‘hurting them’ while a few minutes later wants to know why those around them can’t ‘just get over it’ with regards to their cheating.
The cheater’s solution, especially with their children—YOU need to get some therapy! The cheater is more than willing to get help when it involves others making changes rather than themselves.
Thank you for sharing. Believe me, I can relate to the situation.
Mine is 7 & very confused. Her father barely asks to see her. However, he wanted her on Mother’s Day! Was this to hurt me? I talked with her & we decided she would stay with him Saturday night & until 12 on Sunday. He is still trying to make me feel like the bad person.
Just makes me cry. How totally inconsiderate of your brother….have some maturity….Oh wait, that’s just what’s he lacking. Let the GF got to her mom’s house (oh GF mom probably disowned her for breaking up a marriage) and your brother visit his mom. How inconsiderate that he would put everyone in this uncomfortable position. There really are more appropriate times to “introduce” this woman into the family. Although she will always be hated by everyone for the lying, cheating, sl*t, wh**re, that she is. I don’t think morals can fall much farther, or that the immaturity of a cheater could be much lower….but your brother might have found a new low.
So what are we teaching these kids….how sad. The girls associate more closely with their dad…the sons with their moms….Well MR. you just taught your daughter that men are lying, cheating scum buckets and that you should NEVER trust them because they will cheat on you any chance they get for their own selfishness. How VERY VERY sad!! He has definitely left quite a legacy for his children.
Suzie, Thanks for the comment. Just to clarify, this affair has been going on for more than a year, and we have met her before, as have my parents. He and my sister in law have been separated for close to a year as well. This of course doesn’t make it any better or any less uncomfortable, but just thought you should know. You are right though, I’m concerned very much for how this might affect her in her relationships in the future. Linda
Linda,
I have to say, I am with Suzie on this one. I know this is hard on the parents of the person having the affair, but what is it saying when the parents are so accepting of the OP?? Especially when there is no divorce yet. I understand that they tried to reconcile but have not, but your parents are basically telling him they are ok with his infidelity. It is so frustrating to me, and I have to say I am dealing with this with my in-laws right now. It is very hurtful to my daughter who is 16 that they are so accepting of the OP. She has stated more than once that she feels the OP took her place, because she too had a great relationship with her father before he left for OW. He hardly speaks or sees her. Back when I first told her about all of this, and I told her that it was between mom and dad and that her dad still loved her. She said, no it isn’t just about you two, it is about our family and I am part of that family. Now she just feels he not only replaced me, but her as well. It is so painful to see her with such anger against her father right now. It has been 7 months and though she and I are doing good for the most part, she doesn’t want to talk about her father or anything that has to do with him. It is really sad all around.
@ B. Beautiful post, man. In a similar position. I just keep reminding myself that he cannot and will not have what I have, not matter what happens. Keep up the good fight.
Linda…..I did pick up on previous posts that this affair has been going on for awhile…but it doesn’t sound like he’s divorced, so as far as I’m concerned she is UNWELCOME to a family gathering since she is CHEATING…even if it’s out in the open. I’ve heard a number of people that cheated on their spouse, end up leaving their marriage because of their “unhappiness”….and even though they didn’t stay with the OP…they had already destroyed the marriage…and whether it be pride or whatever….or maybe they didn’t want to try in a marriage….they then move on to the next person….and that’s who they end up marrying….It doesn’t seem to be the person they cheated with!!?? Did they mature through the process of the affair and have now become a upstanding adult, even though they were like a tsunami in the process? I still don’t trust my spouse and actually at this point he’s lied so much that I’m not sure that there is anything he could say to me that I would negate as a possible lie….since I’ve heard the “but I’m telling you the truth”….and it turn out to be a lie….. or lying by omission..that’s another good one.
My five year old has been affected by my husband’s affair and it truly breaks my heart. He use to be so close to our daughter but during his affair he distanced himself from his family. His affair is now over and he aspects everything to go back to how it use to be but our daughter has grown apart from him.
When I was a teen my mother had an affair with a man from work. It broke up my parents marriage and came in between my relationship with her. My mother and I use to be so close but after her affair things changed and many years later we are still not close. It is very sad because these cheaters live in the moment and don’t care about how their actions can have a very long term effect on the lives of their family.
Did I miss something……weren’t your brother and his AP broken up? Wasn’t there a post about how he realized she wasn’t the person he thought she was and didn’t want to spend his life with her? And him and his wife were trying to reconcile?
Did I miss a couple of posts?
Alice, You didn’t miss anything. I haven’t posted an update in a while because I really haven’t talked much to my brother lately about this whole mess. Yes they did break up for awhile and my brother attempted a reconciliation with my sister in law, but it never panned out. I question the effort that was made. He did initially tell me that she was not the person she thought she was, but now he has said that she has “changed.” Yeah right. It’s upsetting to say the least. Linda
Is your brother aware of Doug’s affair and how it devastated you? If he is, then I think it’s really thoughtless of him to bring his mistress around you. Obviously it is going to trigger bad thoughts for you.
So sad… no matter how old the children are, they are pulled into a painful and traumatic situation. Mine are all young adults, but the pain is still awful. My son says he’s never getting married because he’s afraid of turning into his dad. They all need therapy thanks to their dad’s selfish betrayal. None of us will ever be the same. Hopefully we all come out of it wiser and more careful, but oh, how we wish we had never had to go through it at all.
well, I am dealing with this from another angle- my fiance’s family has two generations of infidelity and it has deeply affected him and his brother. He is seeing a counselor now who kind of specializes in the effects of infidelity on children, she did her phd research on how separation/reconciliation affects the children. One thing she told him was that children whose parents separate and reconcile aren’t better off than children whose parents divorce, it can be worse because their feelings get pulled in so many ways they stop feeling. This counselor does seem to be helping, she “gets” his problems in a way the other counselors didn’t.
I had a really hard time with this one. My parents divorced when I was 15 and I still have not gotten over it. My husband pushed me into having a better relationship with my mom even though she was unfaithful. My H’s parents just got a divorce because of infidelity after many years of marriage, which is why I had such a hard time with his incident.
My daughter says she doesn’t want to come home from school because of the way her Dad has been lately. She has been glad to be away from it all. It is sad to hear her say, “Home is where Mom is, but Home just doesn’t feel like home any longer, because of Dad.”
They used to be so close…now she isn’t so sure about her Dad. I know this makes her cautious about her future relationships. Her Dad says they are more distant because she is older and that is what she wants…truly, daughter says that is not what she wants. Husband just doesn’t want to believe it is him… it is everyone else who has a problem.
HUsband and I are still dealing with the onslaught emotions that infidelity brings… however after a VERY long 18 months i can finally say we are on the better end of the scale now. My husband only said to me this morning that it is still going to take a long time for things to be right.. and I know he is right however I feel somewhat impatient on that fact yet need to respewct that we both need time to deal with what has happened… As for our 4 children…. our oldest daughter said on a few occassions that she likes it better when dad is not home, because then he is not growling or just sitting on the couch falling asleep. Our 4 year old said that she wishes dad was not here and that she loves dad but loves me more because daddy gets angry alot at her. Our son, 8 does not have a whole lot to say other than that he misses his dad when he was not here. Our youngest 2 use to wake alot in the night crying, she only started once dad moved out. This did eventually stop thank goodness, however it did affect her. I feel sad that we are producing a generation of children who are going to either grow up with such emotional damage that they to will fall prey to affairs or live a life of mis trust. It really frightens me and I pray everyday that now that husband/dad is back home they will see us happy and working together with a much happier and much more present father in the home again.
I shared my husband’s infidelity with a friend, longtime married to her first love, and as she began to consider the implications (he’s one of those men of whom people say “he’s the LAST person I expected to do that”) she began to have feelings of insecurity about her own marriage. Of course, I’ve been devastated and our grown daughters have been affected and hurt, our grandchildren, for now, do not know, but I was struck at the dandelion effect of one’s immoral choices. Many people are hurt when one chooses to break the commandment “thou shalt not commit adultery.”
This is one reason I am so disgusted by my husband’s whore, she knew he had a five year old daughter and just didnt give a shit, pardon my french. You know, if it was me and him would be bad enough, but this is a family you are messing with. What the hell were either of them (not) thinking? Ugh. I need a moment… Her daughter is a basket case so I guess she probably enjoys spreading the wealth.