A Stressful Weekend

This last weekend turned out to be a bit stressful for a couple of different reasons.  For starters, one of our computers, which contained the majority of our files, crashed due to a virus.  Shame on me for being lazy and not backing up on a regular basis.  As a result we lost a tremendous amount of stuff that was on the machine as the computer expert that I took the piece of junk to could not retrieve the information.  Lesson well learned.  If this has happened to any of you then you probably can feel my pain.  (FYI… I found a free back-up service called My PC Backup that I now save all my files online to for safe keeping.)

Secondly, my brother-in-law and his “girlfriend” came to our home for a visit and to celebrate my Father-in-law’s birthday.  Nothing dramatic happened by any means, but there sure seemed to be an air of tension filling up our house that day.

Everybody got along fine but I know that Linda doesn’t exactly care for this woman since she is the same woman who was my brother-in-law’s affair partner and ultimately was the main reason for his divorce.

What’s interesting is that she is almost a carbon copy of our ex-sister-in-law – except with different hair color and about 15 years younger.  She appears to have many of the same mannerisms, communication style, education, family upbringing and habits (smoker and a somewhat heavy wine drinker). She’s just a new version of the ex-wife.

Much of what comes out of her mouth seems to be disingenuous and nobody in our family trusts her as far as we could throw her.  We basically feel that she is a gold-digger and a tramp.  Don’t get me wrong, she does come off as being very nice, acts interested in us and is a decent conversationalist, but for some reason it just comes off as being a bit fake.  It’s like she’s trying to win us all over.

I imagine that it is very awkward not only for her, but for my brother-in-law as well.  He tries so hard to present her in such a favorable way that it borders on being sickening.

We’re coming up on the holiday season and it used to be that we would all get together for Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family and relatives of our ex-sister-in-law.  Obviously, that’s not going to happen this year.

Some of his kids are coming from out of town to visit for Thanksgiving while the others spend time with their mother.  At Christmas the roles will be reversed and the kids that came to visit us for Thanksgiving will instead spend Christmas with their mother and the kids that were with their mother at Thanksgiving will visit for Christmas.

Nobody really knows for sure if the girlfriend will accompany my brother-in-law to any of the festivities, but if so, it will really be tense. Two of his kids want nothing to do with her and never want to meet her. The others seem a little more open.  So what will happen if she does come?  I don’t think I want to be around if that happens.

I mentioned to Linda the other night that I wished in some ways our kids were young again so that we can all be wrapped up in the sharing of their kid-like experiences at Christmas time.  Instead, it looks like we might be wrapped up in a bunch of drama.  And we certainly won’t be together as one big happy family like we used to.

After the holidays I wonder if my brother-in-law will still think it all was worth it!

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24 Responses to A Stressful Weekend

  1. InTrouble November 21, 2011 at 8:36 am #

    Kind of harsh.

    • Doug November 21, 2011 at 8:51 am #

      It’s a harsh reality, In Trouble

  2. jenn November 21, 2011 at 10:02 am #

    What a horrible situation. Probably the worst thing for me would be everyone dancing around all the elephants in the room. I dislike fakeness for the sake of harmony, especially when everyone knows the backstory. Good luck, maybe you could recall happy memories of holidays past………in front of her. It’s a shame that folks who choose their own selfishness have no regard for how others are affected by their actions ; (

  3. ifeelsodumb November 21, 2011 at 10:19 am #

    Truth isn’t always pleasant, In Trouble….My oldest sister was the OW in a EA that turned into a PA…she even moved 2000 miles to Tucson so she could be with him…left her kids and gr. kids, a great job, gave up her home she’d lived in for 30 yrs in her divorce settlement…and she made me sick to my stomach!
    I loved her, tried to talk some sense into her and she wouldn’t listen…at one point I just cut off all contact…but EVERY TIME she called me crying, saying she was sorry, she made a mistake, I would talk to her and encourage her to go home!
    She made the trip FIVE times, back and forth, before she finally GOT IT! The OM was NOT going to divorce his wife for her…she was his arm candy…the freaking fog was sooo thick with her!! I wish I had found this website sooner, so I could know what I was dealing with when talking to her!
    She is now home, 3 mos after leaving him for the final time…and so far no contact from what I can see….she has given me her passwords for email and FB…but, I know that where there is a will there is a way…but I also know that when she’s in contact with the OM, her personality changes so I will know…but she’s a big girl, and it’s up to her to get her life back on track!
    The sad part of this story for me is, last year, while trying to help her, MY H got involved in his own EA and I think that is part of my problem healing…he KNEW what I had been dealing with, the tears I shed over my sister’s foolishness, the fears that I had with her so far from family and friend living with a man NONE of us knew…yet, my H chose to get involved in his own EA…I’ve seen first hand the devastation that an EA can cause…yet he chose to go down that road…and still can’t/won’t explain why he did it other then to say it was his pride, and he loved the admiration he got from the OW…but why even let her into his life, KNOWING what can happen?
    P.S. I didn’t get consumed with my sister’s problems and “ignore” my H while trying to help my sister, the contact we had last year was sporadic at best, so I just don’t understand how he could do this to me…
    So yea, this might be “harsh”…but it’s a harsh reality!!

  4. shattered November 21, 2011 at 10:20 am #

    I can imagine how hard this must be for Linda. Talk about a trigger. I’m also finding that just the holidays in general (my first since d-day) are causing me much anxiety. No, more than anxiety. I think I may be losing it. My emotional episodes are like tumbleweeds. They typically start with something “small” and once they start rolling pick up lots of other debris along the way. Before I even realize what’s happening, I’m losing it. Asking questions about things that I already know the answer too, i.e. why did you make elaborate plans in order to be able to attend the same work Christmas party last year (where she would be). The 75 to 100 text message daily and once weekly roundevous was not enough??? You had to go to a work Christmas party where according to you, you couldn’t even really talk to each other!!!! Dear God, it hurts!!! Once the pain starts, the anger grows and grows and before I know it, I’m telling him I want a divorce that we are over, that I’m done, etc.,etc. I know I don’t mean it, but for some reason just saying it makes me feel more powerful, as if I have some pebble of control in this catastrophic mess. My husband has done absolutley eveything he can since about 3 weeks following d-day. But i’m afraid he’s losing patience with me. He says he isn’t but, I can sense it. Although, I don’t know if I can trust my senses anymore??? Maybe if I would have trusted my senses, the affair would not have lasted 8 months. So confusing! I was literaly on his back ALL day yesterday, badgering him and berating him. i couldn’t stop. I knew I was out of control, but I didn’t care. My hurt, my anger was all I could see or feel. No one or nothing seemeded to matter. Today, I feel so confused. Scared that I may have pushed too far this time, angry (still), left wondering if I really was ‘wrong” yesterday about my actions or if he really deserves it, or at least that I deserve this time to be out of MY mind. I mean really, he had every single day for 8-9 months to be “lost”, “messed up in the head”. Why don’t I get the same time???? He says I have all the time I need, but I don’t know about that. He says my “temper” scares him. when I ask a question, i.e. about the christmas party, and he tells me the honest, albeit heart wrentching answer my instinct is to bolt, leave the room, the house, the country, etc. When I do he tries to stop me by grabbing me, and when he does I lose it. I kick, hit, thrash, etc. I purposely do things that i know won’t really hurt him, but does that make it right??? No, and I hate myself for that!!!! I’m so ashamed. That incident hapened earlier yesterday morning and at midnight last night, he’s throwing it in my face. I know, but in my mind he’s setting up things up to justify him leaving me or justifying what he did. Part of that is because that is exactly what he did when I found out, it was all MY fault. That angers me still to this day and the really sick part is that for a while I believed it. I’m sorry this post is so long, I don’t know where else to turn today.

    • suzie suffers November 21, 2011 at 6:11 pm #

      PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get to a marriage counselor to deal with your obsessions. Even start by going on your own and then bring in your husband. I was exactly where you were just 6 weeks ago. We were at 2 1/2 years from D day. (Although he wouldn’t disclose anything for about the 1st year because he was in AA and they said that you should not disclose anything to a wife if it will hurt her, so that put us way behind the eight ball.) Anyway, after disclosing piece by piece about his latest affair which was a 8 week affair ending in sex. (he had numerous affairs during his 30 year addiction, and then had some EA affairs during his 5 year sobriety. His affairs always started after he threatened divorce or had filed so initially he never felt like they are “affairs”, but he finally starting disclosing alot of the details (although I’m not sure I know the whole truth since he primarily disclosed only about the ones I knew about, so there was really nothing “new” he told me about which made me feel I’m either the best investigator in the world or he’s still hiding things……..ANYWAY, his last affair was during his sobriety and he had just moved out of our house and filed for divorce again (impulse selfishness) and met up with a newcomer in AA. He was totally infatuated with her and ultimately it ended up in a PA. When she dumped him, he came back to me and we decided we would work on our marriage. Well, as I learned more and more details, with my low self esteem, all I did everyday of the week was talk to him about how much pain I was in, and whether he liked her more, did he think she was prettier, she was thinner, she was younger, what fascinated him with her, was I ever going to excite him more than the first love feelings he got from her…etc.etc.etc. (although she was still drinking, had a gambling problem and smoked like a chimney….including her gold digging wanting him to give her a LARGE loan within weeks of meeting him).

      OK…back to the story. I had so little self esteem from the years of him “oogling” woman during his addiction and then the affairs, I was constantly questioning his honesty, his words of love to me, how I compared physically and sexually to the OW. Well, although he would get aggrevated with me about my questions and need for affirmation and assurance of love and truth, and I even had him read this website and others showing him that we go through the pain and need their support, I too would lash out at times saying hurtful things….many times in his response to a dismissal of my feelings, mocking me or a sarcastic remark about how I should just get over it…or maybe the OW was better than me. WELL, he would wave from total support of my pain with compassion and loving words to assure me to anger that he was still “having” to hear about the last affair day and night and I was just punishing him over and over so much so that it was making him sick to his stomach.

      I kept telling him that we needed therapy for me to get past the obsessive thoughts and low self esteem….he thought it was initially too expensive and I was assisting a family member with an illness that kept me away and not focused on getting the help I needed……WE NEEDED. Well, he decided that even though he told me he would be there for me as long as it took…..he decided not to stand by me any more and filed for divorce stating that I could not get over the past behaviors and the verbal attacks. I love him dearly and wanted so much to get counseling….in fact we had a counselor separate us for 90 days just 6 weeks ago, but at his first single appt. with a counselor he found on his own and his AA buddies telling him he didn’t have to put up with this behavior, he filed for divorce.

      SO PLEASE GO TODAY AND GET INTO COUNSELING ON YOUR OWN FIRST…..THIS WILL SHOW YOUR HUSBAND THAT YOU WANT TO HEAL AND MOVE FORWARD WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP….THEN INVITE HIM INTO YOUR COUNSELING.

      I think I obsessed about the OW and his cellphone bill, his email, his receipts because he had said all the right words to me, but he really hadn’t voluntarily been transparent or trustworthy, so I always thought I would ‘catch’ him. (he had a couple lie and white lies going on that eroded my trust too) This was another thing I needed to get counseling on….and he did too to determine how he could build back the trust. We floundered for over 1 1/2 years discussing painful memories. I’m not saying that they don’t need to be talked out….I absolutely think the affairs need to be talked out(even though my husband wanted the “forgive the sin and act as if it never happened and never mention it again” theory. I would ask him what was wrong with our marriage that he decided to jump to other women, and his response was always he was just being selfish so we never got to address those issues either, which might have come up with a counselor.

      SO PLEASE……….IF YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND AND WANT THIS TO WORK, GO TO COUNSELING ON YOUR OWN TO DETERMINE HOW TO MOVE PAST THE OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS AND “ABUSIVE” BEHAVIOR, AND THEN HAVE HIM JOIN YOU SO HE CAN ADDRESS WHAT IS EXPECTED OF HIM FOR SUPPORT AND REBUILDING TRUST.

  5. ifeelsodumb November 21, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    Shattered…if it makes you fell better..I’m 11 mos out…and I feel pretty much the same way! We went on a hay ride Saturday…same as last year, and the year before etc…and I sat there thinking, “We did this last year, cuddled on the hay ride because it was so cold, yet, he had another woman in his life”…and he never once realized that I had triggers all around me…so of course, when we got home, I asked him why he didn’t…and his response “I just didn’t think about it”…of course not! He never does…so NO surprise there!
    I would suggest that you start working on yourself….flying into a rage and hitting him isn’t the answer…you need to get control! I have found that I go quiet when I get angry now, sure I say what I need to say, then just leave him alone, and go read a book or something…
    Print up some of the postings on here, like the one that says things that your spouse can do to help you heal…and see if he will discuss it with you…just my own thoughts….don’t know if they will do any good, because I’m still struggling myself….hope you have a better day today ((HUGS))

  6. InTrouble November 21, 2011 at 12:03 pm #

    I guess everyone has family members that they don’t like, or approve of, or whatever, but by harsh I was referring to the line, “We basically feel that she is a gold-digger and a tramp.” Written on the internet about someone that your brother-in-law obviously cares about, it just seems, well, harsh.

    • Paula November 22, 2011 at 3:58 am #

      Yeah, InTrouble, but this is an anonymous blog, and stating your opinion of someone is not a crime. Doug and Linda have known of/about her for a while, and have formed an opinion, rightly or wrongly, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with popping this opinion here.

  7. Whirling November 21, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

    Having just found out about the EA 3 days ago, I don’t know if I could be a big enough person to let the “girlfriend” in the house.

    Can someone please explain to me how these single women live themselves knowing the pain they cause??????

    • Bewildered November 21, 2011 at 2:55 pm #

      The problem lies with the married men…out of the mouth of my husband’s EA OW…I never thought about how this would affect you.

  8. Bewildered November 21, 2011 at 2:53 pm #

    Does anyone have any suggestions on getting through the holidays? grin and bear it? alcohol? antidepressants? I have expressed concern to my husband (who had the EA and Craigslist thingy) d-day in June – he doesn’t seem to get why the holidays would be hard for me? He has not apologized yet, no remorse, no regret, no empathy for my feeling what so ever….things would be better than ever if I just forgot anything happened.

    • Whirling November 21, 2011 at 3:18 pm #

      Any intelligent woman would know the affect of an EA. I will not accept any excuse. Especially, when she continues to contact him.

  9. Husker November 21, 2011 at 6:19 pm #

    My wife’s other guy is not on FaceBook, but after she got reconnected with him, she then “friended” a couple of his adult children, his brother, and his brother’s wife. She then started commenting on most every post any of them made about anything.

    I told my best friend that I thought she was intentionally starting to try build relationships with them so that if/when she could be with this guy (he’s still married to his 3rd wife), she would be more quickly accepted into his family rather than being his “new” woman that they don’t know.

    At first, my friend thought I was overreacting, but after a while of watching her FaceBook activity with them he’s now also wondering if I’m right.

    • Whirling November 21, 2011 at 7:45 pm #

      Listen to your gut. Apparently, his EA girl doesn’t want me to know who she is as she works at very prestious retail store and is afraid of losing her job. BOOHOO. She shouldn’t have thought about that before getting into our relationship.

      • Lynne November 22, 2011 at 9:05 pm #

        Please tell me you are not accepting this answer from him. All bets were off for him once he started this EA! You deserve to know who it is, as well as whatever details are important to you. Do not settle for less! If I didn’t get this info from my H, particularly the “who it was”, he would have had a bag packed by the door, and wouldn’t be coming back through the door again until he came clean.

        • whirling November 23, 2011 at 1:59 pm #

          I think I could find her. But I am sure what I would do with the information. I would bet this isn’t the first time she has done this. I think it is the first time for him. He says if he had any idea it would affect me this much, he would have never stepped foot in the LV store. I believe he has no idea the effect this has had. After, a couple days, I think he is realizing. I find it so difficult to believe he wouldn’t have guessed the effect, because if the shoe had been on the other foot (if I had dinner one night, drinks the following and continued texting after he came home), I believe that would have been the end for us. I do believe he knew what he was doing was wrong as he had his blackberry turned off all weekend. He never turns it off. My mistake, I needed to not react and gather more information.

          I haven’t been work since. I know I have to go tomorrow.

  10. changedforever November 22, 2011 at 12:17 pm #

    I have heard the phrase that ‘God only gives you what you can handle,’ and that seems to help me get thru some of the bad days,all the episodes we go thru…and any new ‘revelations.’ I am using this mindset phrase today as I await test results of the degree my STD has progressed to (new DNA GEO TYPING testing helps those of us who have ‘it,’ know to what degree our future testing will follow: aggressive or more passive.) With Thanksgiving approaching, I know it will be difficult for most…me included. I am thankful for all of you who have helped & continue to help me thru this horrible journey…more than you know.

    • Anita November 22, 2011 at 8:02 pm #

      Changedforever,
      Back a few years ago I read the Bible verse Romans 8:28,
      And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His
      purpose.
      Changedforever, On this side of heaven we will never understand how “all things” can work together for good for Gods children-certainly, not all things in themselves are good-but God knows how He’ll do it. And in Him we trust.
      Changedforever, There have been times in my life where I have been put through different tests, usually at the times I least expected them to happen, as hard as they were I grew from each and everyone of them. Whats amazing in James1:2 it says
      My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials.
      Changedforever, please read the following verses after James 1:2.
      I know this is a difficult time for you. God wants us to go to him in the good times and in the times of trial.
      I trust God with my life.

  11. Paula November 22, 2011 at 4:10 pm #

    changedforever, I’m sending you all of my positive thoughts as to the outcome of your tests, “there but for the grace of …. go I,” at least mine was “just” chlamydia, urggh, and now cured, but I still don’t understand why, when you grew up in the 80s, have teenaged children who you preach the safe sex message to, how the hell you ever have sex with someone without protection, when you are very obviously sleeping with someone else (your wife!!!) So little regard for the life of the mother of your children, and the person who is your most faithful friend? Just unbelievable. I truly believe your outcome will be a good one xxx

    • Lori November 22, 2011 at 6:28 pm #

      First of all, I am horrified by the STD issue. I really dont think I could stay with someone who gave me an STD through an affair – like Paula said -that is beyond disrespectful! It’s disgusting behavior actually.

      Secondly, I am also having a really hard time with the holidays and am really on the fence on whether to tell my husband that I’d rather take this holiday separately -him with his family, me with mine, KIDS with me; or whether I grin and bear it and let him join into the family Thanksgiving. We travel out of state, and he has a history of behaving poorly when we’re there to me (disrespects agreed on times for get-tegethers, doesn’t communicate, assumes I’ll go along with whatever he’s doing). I anticipate anxiety at the least, fighting at the worst. Part of me has had it, after this past weekend where he reverted back yet again to the distrespectful bad behavior. Really it was one small issue that has set me off -he answered the phone “yup” in an irritated voice (knowing it was me) instead of like a normal person would say “hello.” He used to do that a LOT during the EA – and now I know that it’s because he was either WITH HER when I called, or just didnt want to deal with me. So major trigger over a small event, and now I just don’t want to deal with all the drama. Why let it ruin mine and my kids holiday? So what do you think? Tell him to go have the holiday with his family and I’ll see him in a few days? Or let him come? I worry that I will make it worse if I force the weekend apart.

      • Paula November 22, 2011 at 8:48 pm #

        Thanks Lori, unfortunately, it’s never quite that simple, as sleeping with someone else is disrespectful enough in itself. My OH was really so far lost that he “believed” her when she said she was ONLY sleeping with him, and she’d recently been “tested” and was “clean.” As I later asked him, why would you believe that, and this woman is in her 40s, you KNOW she sleeps around, or is capable of it, she wasn’t beholden to you; because she did it to you, with more than one other guy, when you two were going out in your late teens/early 20s!!! Anyway, even if she wasn’t sleeping with anyone other than him (and they only managed it a handful of times in 15 months, living in separate locations, highly likely she was “getting some” elsewhere, in my book)) she HAD slept with other people, in the past (and that’s okay, she’s 45, she is “allowed!”) I haven’t, only him. Ever. However, I would ALWAYS use protection, whoever I was with, that’s what I learned, growing up. She had him so deep, that he believed everything she told him. His absolute HORROR when he found out she had shared her filthy disease with him (and him, me) was actually terribly sad to watch. I was disgusted, but relieved it was a treatable infection, as my fear was obviously HIV/AIDS or Hepatitis, or, like poor changedforever, some form of HPV, or other cancer-inducing infection. We had the “please don’t ever cheat, but if you find you do, PLEASE use condoms” talk many, many times in our (then) 22 years together, I even kept some in the house, however, they’re not difficult to buy, on your drive up to see her, etc, and service station has them, for goodness sake – and we have three teenagers, it isn’t like the subject has never come up.

        He “knew” (felt) that she was trying to trap him into fathering a child with her at the end (as a last ditch attempt to “keep” him) so why he wasn’t being more careful, I just throw up my hands in despair, he had taken to keeping track of her menstrual cycle, to try to avoid that!!! He’s never known a thing about my fertility, or lack of. Pretty unbelievable, huh? Anyone who sleeps with another person, without using protection, is very, very capable of transmitting an STI to their other partner/s, isn’t this what we ALL learned as young people, or was I the only one paying attention that day, lol! Yes, this is a professional woman, with an impeccable house, well-dressed, groomed, etc, etc, etc, it doesn’t preclude you from getting STIs, duh!!!

      • ifeelsodumb November 23, 2011 at 12:28 am #

        Lori,
        Listen to your gut…and do what feels right to YOU…no one can really know your situation, except you…

  12. Notoverit November 22, 2011 at 8:58 pm #

    Lori, maybe it might be a good idea to let him go to his family. It seems like you are already anticipating your H behaving badly. If he is adamant about going with you and the kids then tell him the ground rules; write them out and hand them to him. For example: Times will be respected for meeting other people; You are on your own if you choose not to join in what I am doing, etc. If he doesn’t agree to those rules then tell him he is free to go to his family for the holidays. And tell him the next time he answers you disrespectfully, you are hanging up. I gave my husband ground rules for behavior with my family a while back. It seemed like when he was having his EA he was horrid to my family. I told him one misstep and I was laying him out in front of God and everyone. I didn’t care if it embarrassed him. Got to set the rules or there is too much ambiguity and wriggle room. If everything is laid out ahead of time, i.e. this action will get this reaction, then it isn’t a surprise when the hammer falls. Hope you have a wonderful holiday!

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