A Staind Emotional Affair TriggerThe other day I was cutting the grass and while doing so, was listening to a rock band called Staind on my I-Pod.  I love music and I tend to gravitate to the classic, modern and alternative rock genres.  In case you don’t know, Staind is a band that performs a mixture of hard rock along with some more mellow ballads in their song mix.

 As I was listening to their music, one of their songs came on called “Tangled Up In You.”  It’s a very nice, pretty acoustic love song.  It also happens to be one of Linda’s favorites which she came to love during the time just after the discovery of my emotional affair.  I guess you could say it was sort of an emotional affair trigger for me.

While listening to the song and the lyrics, it took me back a couple of years and the hell I put her through and I thought about just how far we have come over that period of time…and I started to cry.

I was literally crying while cutting the grass.  I’m glad I had my sunglasses on so the rest of my family didn’t see their emotional old-man making a fool of himself.

I was crying not only because the lyrics are touching to me, but they remind me just how much I love Linda and how close I was to losing her and everything else.   I was extremely lucky that she didn’t give me the boot and that she fought hard to save our marriage.  I was also lucky that I was able to get my head out of my ass in time to change things around and to recognize what is real and what isn’t.

The last several weeks have been wonderful.  Since she’s on summer break and I work from home, we’ve been spending a huge amount of time together talking, exercising, having fun together, going out with friends, etc.  We’re basically having a great summer together.

Though we blog about it, and I’m sure Linda still thinks about it at times, my emotional affair seems like it was a million years ago.  We rarely have talked about it over the last several weeks and Linda truly seems to be quite happy.   I know the thought of it will never go away, but I really think that it’s becoming more like a bad memory rather than a living, painful nightmare.

If somehow magically life could be rearranged and we were just now getting married, this song would be our “first dance” as I think it depicts how we feel about each other quite well – and I would be balling my eyes out for sure.

If you’re interested, you can listen to the song below, and I’ve included the lyrics below as well.

 Tangled Up In You lyrics

You’re my world
The shelter from the rain
You’re the pills
That take away my pain
You’re the light
That helps me find my way
You’re the words
When I have nothing to say

And in this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
I’m still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you

You’re the fire
That warms me when I’m cold
You’re the hand I have to hold
As I grow old
You’re the shore
When I am lost at sea
You’re the only thing
That I like about me

And in this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
I’m still tangled up in you

How long has it been
Since this storyline began
And I hope it never ends
And goes like this forever

In this world
Where nothing else is true
Here I am
Still tangled up in you
Tangled up in you
I’m still tangled up in you
Still tangled up in you


    21 replies to "A Staind Emotional Affair Trigger"

    • Bigmistake

      Great post Doug. Shortly after my EA came to light I was listening to my wife’s iPod while shoveling snow and “You Belong to Me” by Carly Simon started playing. I new the song, but had never truly listened to it before. It hit me like a ton of bricks-this is how my wife feels! I do listen to the song from time to time to remind myself of my priorities. Lyrics below for the uninformed… 🙂

      Carly Simon
      You Belong to Me

      Why’d you tell me this
      Were you looking for my reaction
      What do you need to know
      Don’t you know I’ll always be your girl
      You don’t have to prove to me you’re beautiful to strangers
      I’ve got loving eyes of my own

      You belong to me
      Tell her you were fooling
      You don’t even know her
      Tell her that I love you

      You belong to me
      Can it be, honey, that you’re not sure
      You belong to me
      Thought we’d closed the book – locked the door
      You don’t have to prove to me that you’re beautiful to strangers
      I’ve got loving eyes of my own
      And I can tell – I can tell darling
      Tell her – tell her that I love you

      You belong – you belong – you belong to me
      Tell her you were fooling
      Tell her she don’t even know you
      Tell her you were fooling
      I know you from a long time ago, baby
      Don’t leave me to go to her now
      You belong to me.

    • DJ

      Doug, I am hoping and praying that my husband comes to feel as you do. Thank you for helping me to see that it is possible.

      Bigmistake – same goes out to you. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. It really does help me to know that it is possible to love again.

    • Paula

      Just fabulous! Thanks you two, who have seen the light, lol. Doesn’t music and poetry just lift your soul, even more so now, it has deeper meaning, and evokes such emotion, in a good way 🙂

    • Roller coaster rider

      It is truly like water to a dry and thirsty soul to hear genuine sorrow over wrongdoing, and that, though weeping may last for a night, joy comes in the morning. Gotta love it…

    • Still hurting

      It is touching to read Doug’s post and Bigmistake’s comments about songs that remind them of what they could have lost due to their decisions/choices to cheat on their spouses. Reminds me of what my grandmother always said: “Love is an action verb.”

      I know my H has deep regrets about his EA and wishes he could go back in time and undo the EA and spare us both the pain his choice to have an affair caused us as individuals and nearly destroyed our marriage. Like Doug and Bigmistake he also finds solace in song lyrics about love and partnership. As a BS, I wish those types of songs were not a trigger for me. In the past if I listened to a beautiful love song, I would connect it to my H and what I believed was a good marriage and partnership. Now, those songs remind me of how fleeting love and marriage can be and I mourn the old thoughts I used to have about my H before he cheated.

      A song that would probably resonate more with the BS’s is “Bring Me Some Water” by Melissa Etheridge:

      “Somebody bring me some water
      Can’t you see I’m burning alive
      Can’t you see my baby’s got another lover
      I don’t know how I’m gonna survive
      Somebody bring me some water
      Can’t you see it’s out of control
      Baby’s got my heart and my baby’s got my mind
      But tonight the sweet Devil’s got my soul

      When will this aching pass
      When will this night be through
      I want to hear the breaking glass
      I only feel the steel of the red hot truth
      And I’d do anything to get it out of my mind
      I need some insanity that temporary kind
      Tell me how will I ever be the same
      When I know that woman is whispering your name”

    • mellowjello

      Music, like movies and TV became problematic for me right after learning of my husband’s affair. There were just too many triggers. It frightened me that there were so many people out there who recognized the pain I was feeling. I began to wonder if there was ever a couple who didn’t go through these difficult times. Things have evened out quite a bit for me the last 21 months and now I am finally able to begin listening to the beautiful lyrics and music out there that can comfort me by its understanding of my experience. Doug, thank you so much for that beautiful song. I immediately shared it with my husband, who also thought it was beautiful, and I am going to iTunes and buy it as soon as I sign off. You and Linda are truly inspirations to us all.

      • Doug

        Mellowjello, I’m happy for you that the triggers are becoming less problematic. I’m glad you enjoyed the song. Thanks for sharing!

    • Jackie

      Thanks for that beautiful song that brought tears to my eyes. I hope that some day my husband will learn, understand and appreciate all we have been to one another. He seems to be slowly coming back after over 2 years since D-day. We will never be the same two people, but I still believe in us. Just want to know that he does too.

      Doug and Linda,
      Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us, and giving us hope of repairing ourselves after an affair.

    • DJ

      I have fallen in love with that song! My wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks – I’m going to use it as the music for a video card that I’m making for him. Sort of a last attempt at reaching out to him…

      • Doug

        It’s a great song, isn’t it?

    • JS

      Thank you for this post. I think all the BS’s out there hope our spouses will come around the same way you did. My H ended his EA months ago, at my demanding and threatening, but still does things like exchange texts with other women at 10pm, doesn’t tell me about them, then when I confront him about them says, “I’m not doing anything wrong.”. I don’t think he’ll ever get it like you have, unfortunately. Good for you, Doug.

    • Empty and Numb

      The narcissistic wound Doug received forced life change. Bravo!

    • livensi

      I have been listening to a Staid song during the most intense nasty feelings I had with my husband’s affair – “Please”. Now when I listen to it it brings back all the bad feelings with the same intensity, but I have decided to move forward so Staind is forbidden for me 🙂 – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPJBrxi8EAI

      Can’t you see that I’m sick of this?
      Chances are you’re oblivious
      To how I feel
      Sitting on your throne
      And I’m sure that I’m not alone
      Not alone
      Not alone

      Tell me please
      Who the fuck did you want me to be?
      Was it something that I couldn’t see?
      Never knew this would be so political
      And please
      I’m still wearing this miserable skin
      And it’s starting to tear from within
      But it’s obvious that doesn’t bother you
      So please

      I didn’t think that you’d sell me out
      Now I know what you’re all about
      You might feel in control of things
      But you’re not holding all the strings
      All the strings
      All the strings

      Tell me please
      Who the fuck did you want me to be?
      Was it something that I couldn’t see?
      Never knew this would be so political
      And please
      I’m still wearing this miserable skin
      And it’s starting to tear from within
      But it’s obvious that doesn’t matter to you

      I swallowed all your insults
      I’ve swallowed all my pride
      You’ve used up all your chances
      Can’t keep this all inside

      Tell me please
      Who the fuck did you want me to be?
      Was it something that I couldn’t see?
      Never knew this would be so political
      And please
      I’m still wearing this miserable skin
      And it’s starting to tear from within
      But it’s obvious that doesn’t bother you
      So please
      Don’t keep telling me that it’s okay
      I don’t buy all the shit that you say
      And quite honestly I’m fucking sick of it
      So please
      If I cut off this nose from my face
      Then I wouldn’t feel so out of place
      But it still wouldn’t be quite enough for you
      So please

    • Irish Kate

      My eyes just started leaking listening to that song…. how lovely Doug, posts like this have to be so helpful to Linda, I’m going to forward this on my my own husband 🙂

    • Kristine

      I think my husband is still in the angry at himself phase. When he expresses his regret and sorrow it’s always in anger, at himself. He’s not one to get “sappy” so I don’t know if I’ll ever see him cry (highly doubt it) but I know he truly does have Godly sorrow.

      One day we were at Starbucks and we were just sitting there reading our own books and drinking our coffee’s and my husband touched my arm. When I looked up his face was all distraught and he said “when I think back to when we told the kids I could cry” and his face was all twisted up and I was shocked. I guess sometimes things hit him like they do me but what triggered that I don’t know.

      I can hear old love songs with no problem but new love songs always make me think about his affair period and my husband’s adultery was physical. I think he must have felt those loving feelings towards the affair partner and even though I’ve asked him if he loved her and he said, “You mean the way we do? No but I had feelings” it still makes me wonder. If you were willing to walk away from your marriage and family, they had to be pretty strong feelings.

      I’m also a huge romantic, I live live live for passionate moments. It’s hard to witness those in movies now, too.

      • Maxine6

        I feel the same way that you do. Love scene’s and song’s remind me also of the love that I thought we had. It’s all so sad, as I loved him so much, but I guess his feelings from this new women overtook him and he forgot about mine and obviously his love for me.

        If I hear one more time, ” I never feel out of love with you, I’ll scream.” He couldn’t have been or he wouldn’t have risked our marriage.

        So, yes, I can’t listen to or sing like I use to, songs about love. Because I now know that no love is great enough not to be broken.

        I, like you, am a huge romantic and love being in love. Now I don’t feel that way anymore. That special love that I had for him, is dead. No matter what we do or how it turns out, it will never be that special love that was only shared between us during our marriage. He just doesn’t realize what he messed up and what it cost both of us. So Sad!

    • sandy

      so many triggers, and like someone else already bloggd, –real remorse-real regret–knowinng that–that heals. how would one know? I pray, I cry, I don’t ;mean to be in denial, but this hurts, this really hurts. God’s way isn’t our way, so I really do want to listen. There have been so many times He has granted me miracles. real miracles. so why not take the bad with all the good. This is going somewhere, I’m just ‘sailing with sealed orders. ‘ and it hurts. I’m not so determined to do anything my way, all I really want is his love, if he can find that really. And if he can be content. It’s his journey that he started, and threw everything aside to go on. if or when he learns from it–like really with this pain, these questions, getting to ‘who really cares’ is gonna be a mighty tough place to get to.

    • Gizfield

      I totally love a song called “Far Away” by Nickelback. I think it may is about almost losing it all, but I try not to read too much meaning into it, lol.

    • SoManyTears

      Cut me and I bleed Rock and Roll! My WH only likes Country and Western and this is one of the things he and the OW bashed me about. Since our relationship was wonderful before the 15 month long affair, he had to come up with SOMETHING to tell her, he didn’t like about me, to keep the affair going. The OW passed and was burried Monday. He and I are still struggling, almost 2 years later. I think it’s because nothing was wrong in our marriage and his choices (from selfishness and opportunity) has changed that. We can’t seem to find our “normal” anymore. He still doesn’t fully recognize that he even had an affair at all…just “f#cking with her” is all I get. I have 2 tickets to see Motley Crue. He’s going with me. He doesn’t want to, but it’s something I love. Who knows, maybe he’ll have a good time. Lol!

    • Maxine6

      Hi Doug,

      I haven’t been on here in a while as I am going through a lot right now. But when you posted this song, being a former singer at Retirement Singer’s, I had to listen to it.

      I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but I couldn’t even listen to the whole song as I listened to the lyrics. I agree with you, it would be a perfect song for your first song at your wedding. But I guess it surprises me that Linda can even listen to those words and not feel so sad about what happened and what was lost. It just made me angry to listen to it, as all the memories of my Husbands, supposedly emotional 3 year affair came to mind. It’s been over 25 years ago and due to the stock market crash that happened over 3 or 4 yrs. ago and he lost so much money. Our daughter owing us $10,000 where we bailed her out of a situation to protect our 3 granddaughters and she wasn’t paying it back. Him drowning his anger and depression in even more drinking at night to dull the pain and then there would be more very angry arguments between us. In addition to his turning away from me for about 3 yrs., not interested in sex or even very much affection or compassion, brought the affair back to me. I then realized that the man that I thought I married, fought to save our marriage, when he lied, barely went to therapy only in body and didn’t show remorse for 5 yrs., was a huge mistake. It took me almost a yr. after trickle truth and talking to the other woman, since he wouldn’t tell me anything to try and find out something about what happened during those 3 yrs. when he was in his early 40’s. I should have never married him as we were to young at 18, but I thought we both loved each other so much. I was so wrong. I put everything into the marriage after the first 7 yrs., he just took and didn’t do anything to make me feel special. Yes, I felt loved, but I was looking at this man through “Rose Colored Glasses.” I saw my whole life in front of me and it didn’t look good.

      I went back to therapy but couldn’t find the right person. He went also, but things were still being shoved under the rug by him. I’ll never know the whole truth and it has made me feel nothing towards him. Now he’s stopped drinking 3 yrs. ago, trying to work on the marriage for the past 2 yrs., but there has been so much hurt throughout these past 27 yrs. that I don’t know if I want to stay. Unfortunately, I’m now 71, not 44 when I found out about it, have many health problems and have been married 53 yrs., so it would be a major change for me. But I’m not happy and life shouldn’t be this way. I’m now looking for a new therapist and trying a new anti-depressant to get out of this depression and panic attacks that have come back. This one doesn’t seem to be working.

      Doug, for a man to be as emotional as you were when you heard this song, speaks volumn’s about the man who has learned from his mistakes and can feel the empathy for his wife that my husband can’t seem to find about the pain he caused me. Something inside of me died when I found out that day and I’ve never been the same since. I can’t remember what caused you to stray, but I do know that my husband had no reason, which he admits. I loved him after 25 yrs. as much as the day I married him and he definitely was shown that by me in every way.

      I admire Linda also, for being able to get through it. Maybe it’s because you were honest with her from the very beginning, I can’t remember. If only my husband had, but I would have divorced him once I found out that they had went off for 2 weekends in 3 yrs. and he slept in the same bed with her. We have only had sex with each other in our life and he claims that she suggested that they go off for a weekend, he made the arrangements, but says that he was never going to take that step or anything sexual with her, other than touch the top of her breast. It was done just so they could go to attractions, eat dinner and dance and not have to look over there shoulder all the time.

      So after a lie detector test, done by a top detective at the Police Force, who specialized in them, he passed it in regards to sex.

      I still can’t help but wonder though, did he not have sex, “Because he wasn’t able to, or didn’t want to go that next step?”

      Doug & Linda, I admire you for being able to get through what happened to yawl. I wish I could do the same again, but it just doesn’t seem to be working. Sorry this is so long and probably off the topic.

      I wish I could listen to any song about love and feel good about it.

      Thanks for listening.


    • Recovered

      This is interesting. When I was shattered, I wrote a lot of poetry…And I can’t write poetry to save my life! I deleted most of them, but I stumbled into one of them recently, two years later, and the pain came flooding back.

      Also I was shocked at how well I had written!!!!!

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