I am having a difficult time understanding what is so appealing about a marital affair…
I am having a difficult time understanding what is so appealing about a marital affair because all I can see is the hurt and devastation.
I search daily trying to find something or someone who can articulate it to me. Those involved in the affair appear to have a difficult time with this as they are unable to really pinpoint the attraction.
The best book I have read on this is “Torn Asunder” by Dave Carder, and it gave me a glimpse into the process. But I want more.
So I began thinking about it in my own terms, trying to find something that I can relate it to that will help me understand the appeal. So I chose shopping. I enjoy shopping – a lot. I can see how it can become an addiction, so I thought I would relate shopping to a marital affair.
In the beginning when I would have an extra hour or two I would head to the mall and look at some attractive shoes. I wasn’t really into shoes but they did look good. I would like to buy them but I really didn’t need them because I had a good pair at home. But my old pair wasn’t giving me the same feeling I had when I first wore them. They were becoming dull and worn out.
One day I decided to try on a pair. When I put the shoes on they felt wonderful and I looked fantastic. Everyone in the store commented how great I looked. I decided I needed those shoes.
When I wore the shoes I felt beautiful, I felt alive. So I decided I needed to feel that way all the time so I continued to buy more shoes. The more I bought the better I felt.
After I while I found myself thinking about new shoes more than I thought of my job, my family, my husband. I couldn’t wait until lunch so I could head to Macy’s. I also found myself hiding my new shoes from my husband because he wouldn’t understand why a woman would need so many. Obviously he wouldn’t understand how good they made me feel.
I began to feel guilty about hiding my shoe shopping from my husband. I would feel great in the store but as soon as I got into the car I would feel terrible. So I would call a good friend of mine who loved to shop just as much as I did. She understood my needs; she would tell me I deserved these shoes and how great I looked when I wore them. I would call her often after a splurge and she would make me feel better.
Eventually all the shopping caught up with me. The credit card bill arrived and I was busted. My husband told me I had to stop. I was relieved he found out, as I agreed with him because my shoe shopping was out of control and I was beginning to hate it.
The strange thing is I couldn’t stop. Something that really wasn’t that important to me a month ago suddenly became something I couldn’t live without. I loved the feeling I got when I wore new shoes. All the attention and comments made me feel great and now that it was forbidden I wanted them even more. Everywhere I looked I saw shoes. I would walk past store windows just to get a glimpse. I didn’t know what I was going to do without that feeling.
Then I decided to focus on other things – my family, my husband, my job. I threw away all my purchases and found other ways to spend my time and my money.
You know I don’t miss my new shoes. I don’t miss the negative feelings I had when I was buying them and the good feelings I received when I was wearing them. I realized those feelings weren’t real; they were my own selfish way of trying to receive love and affirmation.