Sara sent us an email with the following message from the heart that we thought would be most appropriate for the day. Thanks Sara!
We’ve all been through hell and back. Dealing with the ramifications of the poor choices of our spouse and trying to pick up our pieces. We’ve talked, we’ve yelled, we’ve cried and often times have sought therapy towards our healing. Things seem to be moving in a positive direction but all too often, the anger or sadness remains. It is times like these, when there is loss, death, grief or shock that quickly put things back into perspective.
Children died in Newtown. Families shattered, parents broken and questions left unanswered. As a nation watches a horror-filled tragedy yet again, we look to our own and breathe. I tucked my children in their beds last night. I touched all four of their soft and beautiful cheeks and wiped my own tears. I said a small prayer for each of those that perished and laid my head on my pillow. I looked to my right, as I do each night and watched my husband sleep. In, out his breath slow and deep. I felt gratefulness and a peace within that I had not felt in ages.
Yes, my husband left the promises of our marriage. Yes, he hurt us and himself and our family. But, he is trying. He is working towards something better and so much more meaningful. No, he is not perfect. But, he is still here.
For all of you still dealing with the pain of the loss of your marriage, your vows and your trust please remember – you are still here. There is still time for forgiveness, time for expression and time for to let go of the anger. Be appreciative of time and move forward with the second chance that life has given you – whatever direction that may be…
[wlsp_signup]LINESPACE
9 replies to "A Little Perspective"
Great article and good point. Ever since this trauma hit my life I have tried to look at my life as the glass is half full. I’ve never had to think of myself as an optimist or pessimist. i just was. I was secure and safe in my marriage. I trusted. I felt I was trusted as well. I’ve always said if this betrayal is the worst thing that ever happens to me, I’ve had a great life. It already isn’t the worst thing that has happened to me. I lost my parents and my business and that was pretty devastating. Compared to what happened 12/14 my life is a bed of roses. I am grateful, I am trying to be happy. I hope my H is sincere, I hope he’s changed.
Now the big point is, with all the misery that happens anyway in this world, why on earth would you make such a miserable choice to make life even worse and harder? Now I’m just sad and sick on many levels. I stopped at the mall today to do Christmas shopping and all the while I’m looking over my shoulder looking for a shooter. WTF you aren’t safe at home, you aren’t safe at school, you aren’t safe going to the movies, what is wrong with our sick society? Most of all what is wrong with me to WANT to continue a relationship with someone who threatened my health and safety, physically and emotionally. Thank God life is short!!!
Life IS short, and time flies, which is the ONLY reason that I can live with how long the cheating lasted. It isn’t like it was a REAL relationship with REAL problems that was going on in REAL life, so a part-time fantasy land cheat that lasts for a while goes by so quickly and can’t be REAL. They never went in public together. They never exchanged physical expressions of anything except the 6 times they were together. There were no gifts. No promises on my husbands part. No romantic getaways. Just sex in the back of her car 4 times, a make-out session in her car 1 time, and 1 visit to a hotel room (which is the hardest one for me to deal with since it was planned AHEAD of time by my husband). The fact that he had ANY physical contact with another woman makes me ill, and has been digging into my desire for “perspective” recently. I know what they “had” was not for him what it was for her, and clearly she filled in the blanks where he didnt either give the answer she wanted or didn’t say anything at all one way or the other (he’s REALLY good at saying NOTHING). I know I shouldn’t focus on the OW, it is not good for me, and HE could’ve stopped it’s advances with a quick “i’m married” by being the man I thought he was… It has been a year and a half… almost the entire time they cheated, since I found out. It has flown by most of the time, which surprises me since I wasn’t even sure I would even stay… Perspective… We’ve been together for over 17 years… he didn’t leave for her… never would’ve… he cheated from first make-out til discovery for about 2 years… is 2 years of him being a sick dumbass worth all of this heartache? I guess I worry about my perspective for the future being different now… If I could just forget and go back to who I was and who I thought he was, then it would be easier to move on, but I am not the same… WE are not the same. My perspective has changed. Yes, we are healthy and working on our relationship, and in some ways we are better than before, but that doesn’t lessen the crime. I am changed, therefore my perspective has changed. In the scheme of life how big is this… well, I’ll let you know in another year and a half… hopefully by then I’m not thinking of it every day like I still do now… I long for the day when I have NO thought about the infidelity and can laugh at dumb stuff on TV instead of wishing those bad things on the whore. I long for the day that the anger is gone and I’m not worried about getting a little too drunk and things going to hell because the anger explodes… I long for the day that I can ENJOY my husband and not wonder if the happiness I feel and think he feels is real or not… Perspective? Take that!
Tryinghard: totally get where you are coming from. When my husband says he was depressed and not thinking clearly and made a very bad choice, and that he basically pushed the self-destruct button, I think and have asked him…..And you thought cheating would make things better HOW? You didn’t just push a SELF destruct button, you pushed a button that nearly destroyed FIVE other people (six if you are generous enough to count the AP) along with you!!
Also, I was at my youngest two kids’ school yesterday for their kindergarten Christmas party. The shooting was all I could think about. I looked at those precious babies and wanted to fall to my knees. You are right. There is enough in the world that is unsafe and wrong. We don’t deserve to feel unsafe and insecure at home.
Recovering: well said. I am trying to have the same perspective. My husbands affair also lasted close to two years from EA to a nearly year long PA (although the sex was intermitent it occurred mostly in our HOME).
We have been together 30 years. I too keep telling myself that two years of poor judgement exacerbated by a serious depression, is not worth throwing away THIRTY YEARS. He says he is not who he was then, and I CAN see proof of that in his words and his behavior now.
Do I trust fully? No. Am I over this? No. Like you I keep trying to visualize a year from now, five years from now, ten years from now. How big will this really be when we hold our first grandchild in however many years? When our two six year olds graduate from high school? When our teenage son gets his driver’s license in two years? When we drop our daughter off at college in roughly eight months?
Right now it feels so big and so loud and so dominating. i know that it will always hurt, It will never feel right, but I do think it will fade. I think it will pale. In the long run, perhaps we will be better off. Protecting our marriage, making time to nurture it. I still wish he had not made the choices he made. But I am determined to not let it define us as it does right now.
38 years of marriage vs 3 years of weekly meetings with his lover. It’s supposed to comfort me that he says they didn’t have sex aEvery week. It’s supposed to comfort me that he didn’t leave me. It doesn’t. I go through each day thinking she’s better. A better listener – so I curb my impatience a bit more. A better lover so I think of new ways to satisfy him. Bigger breasts so I take supplements to be boo bier. At the end of it, I wonder where am I , who am I? Do I love him or do I need someone, anyone who loves me.? Do I throw away 38 years of marriage for a future I can’t envision.
But to put things into perspective, he is trying. He goes to counselling . He tries to curb his anger and impatience when I lash out or bawl like a baby.
Will this hurting ever stop. I cry less, I don’t spiral down so often. But I feel so betrayed.
Justtired, I could have written much of what you did above. My husband also tries to minimize the affair by saying “sometimes there were weeks at a time where nothing was going on”. My response?? Well then if you say you regretted it, felt such turmoil over it, why did you allow it to start up again two or three weeks later?
He too says that it should “tell me something” that he ended it on his own, and never “left me”. Hmmmmm. My response? You may have ended it on your own, but I was extremely suspicious, questioning everything, fighting for my marriage tooth and nail. The end was near one way or another. He KNEW I suspected. He KNEW he couldn’t keep up the charade forever. I was starting to doubt and it pushed him towards a decision.
I am in an awful, awful place right now. Maybe because it’s the first Christmas since d-day? I too question everything. Logically I know he does love me. He IS sorry, his IS trying. 30 years together isn’t “less than” their 2 odd years together.
I used to be so secure in who I am. I used to be so sure of my purpose in life. I used to be so happy with where I was, where we were. Now, like you I have lost my identity. I can’t shake the feeling that I was not a good wife, that somehow I could have prevented this from happening. It doesn’t help that he blamed me for everything from his depression to the state of his business while he was in the midst of the affair. It is hard to shake those words, that cruelty. I am definitely in a deep downturn. I too lash out viciously. I have been crying in the shower again, crying in the bathroom, this is awful. Ten months from d-day I had hoped to be better than this. And while I know it is better than it was, I am so so so tired of walking this road.
Excercisegrace, you are not the one with the problem.
I did the same that you did trying to be better than “her”.
I fought for my marriage and he didn’t, he wouldn’t .
Now I am in the middle of a very messy divorce. Something that he wanted. A life of freedom, happiness.
If he is 100% at working things out then do so, but don’t cut yourself short.
I knew that I could never trust my husband. I didn’t want to live every second wondering who he was with. And his lies. He was very good at the lies.
Follow your heart and deep breaths.
Good luck.
The problem right now is that we have different views on what healing looks like, and his 100% is not mine. I know he is remorseful. To the point where he hates it when I bring the affair up (which I admit is too often). He hates being reminded, he hates seeing me hurting. He wants to focus on the future. He has actually said I am choosing to stay stuck in the past and that’s not who he is NOW and he does not want to be put back there. He feels like we have discussed everything, he has disclosed everything he can remember, and now we need to drop it.
For my own sanity I am working on an email to spell out my expectations. Example: there are two books I have asked him to read that he has not. I am looking for clarity and more participation in the new year. He can ignore that at his own risk.
ExerciseGrace
OK I am so beginning to sound like a broken record. Ditto EVERYTHING you just said. My H and I had the EXACT same talk last night. Our H’s are avoiders. Really think about it how he handles most problems and decisions. How could this be any different. He wants it to all go away. He doesn’t want “Mommy” to be mad at him anymore. Quit being Mommy. He can only solve his problems his way. I let the third party, the marriage counselor, make suggestions. You have to focus on yourself not him. Of course he wants to forget about it, DUH. So do we right? I have also decided I don’t want to make my H miserable anymore bringing her or the EA up. No more power will be given to it by me! If he wants her, GO, GO GET HER. He doesn’t. Keep making him communicate not about the affair but what he and you expect from your relationship. Good Luck and yes the New Year WILL be better–one way or another 🙂
I could write the same thing. Actually I had two DDays. March 2011 and aug 2011. I’m a little farther in time but not by much. It’s hard. Try to stay positive and READ books on the subject. You are not alone.