terribleWe hope that all of you survived the long holiday weekend. It was pretty hectic for us as well, so this morning we are posting an article by Dr. Jim Walkup called 7 Things Your Husband Won’t Tell You About His Affair.

Dr. Walkup is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) from New York who has over 25 years experience helping couples overcome infidelity.

Though we certainly do not have the experience or professional background that Dr. Walkup has, we have noticed that many of these “7 Things” aren’t limited to just husbands. We have certainly heard our share of wives who are experiencing the same things.

Please read on and then share your thoughts in the comment section below.


 

7 Things Your Husband Won’t Tell You About His Affair

By Dr. Jim Walkup

After confronting him about his infidelity, you may wonder what he is feeling. Because he has betrayed your love and trust in such a painful way, you may find it hard to believe anything he is saying.

As someone who specializes in extramarital affair recovery, I want to tell you what I have heard many men say. Since I have heard it repeated so often, I have come to believe these truly represent what most men are feeling.

1.  He hoped you would never find out.
This may not be as hard to believe as the others, though some men have not even covered up their tracks very well. Yet at least as men enter these relationships, they tend to assume that they can keep it undercover and not hurt you.

2.  He wants you to believe he didn’t intend for things to get out of hand.
Many times affairs evolve from casual work interactions together to a playful friendship over lunch to a much deeper kind of sharing. At the beginning, a romantic/sexual relationship truly may not have been part of his plan.

In the beginning, many men do not perceive their behavior as an affair. Only when it becomes sexual do they recognize they have crossed the line.

At the same time, marriage counselors tend to agree that most women are more pained by the intimate sharing than men recognize. For women, the openness (especially if there is talk about how the marriage is not working), represents a deep betrayal of what should have been “between us.”

3.  He can’t believe that he’s done this.
You may be totally surprised that this person whose values you have trusted could have such a breach of character. For many men as well, they wake up out of the trance state of the thrilling “in love” aspect of the affair relationship only to be genuinely stunned that they have gone against their own values in this way. Not only are his friends surprised, but your man is, too.

4.  He is blown away by how much pain he has caused you.
You are experiencing more pain than you have at any other time in your life. The tsunami of feelings will crush and overwhelm you. Believe me here, men do not easily comprehend how deep the kick to the stomach is that you experience each and every time you think of his betrayal.

Here’s where good relationship counseling can help. Someone experienced in this area can help your mate appreciate that your response to the impact of his betrayal is entirely predictable and normal, even though he didn’t expect it to be so extreme.

5.  He wishes you could move beyond it and stop bringing it up.
Over and over men will say to me that they just want their wives to move on and focus on what could be built between them now. You may need to talk about the affair in the middle of the night. But he may feel a profound sense of, “Do we have to talk about it now? We are both too tired to talk intelligently about anything.”

6.  He does not know what to say when you want to go over it again.
The problem is that you are feeling like a police officer who wants to go over the story many times to see if you have all of the details and if he changes his story. You naturally have doubts that you have the whole story when he had so much trouble revealing the full picture truthfully in the first place.

Most guys feel like they have tried to dredge up all of the details. They cannot believe that telling you anything more will help you feel grounded. Instead with each new detail, they imagine you will just feel more hurt, anger and rejection.

What they do not realize is that his having the courage to tell the whole story is a step toward helping you trust rather than him seeming to continue protecting the other woman. He can see your pain but he may not know what will lead to you feeling reassured. You have to look for that together.

7.  He feels interrogated and wishes he could defend himself (and knows he can’t).
On the one hand, he even wants to blame you for some of what has happened. Yet he may recognize that any hint of taking less than full responsibility will look like he’s trying to deny what he has done and the pain his actions caused.

In the initial stages, he knows he must constantly take full responsibility for the steps he has taken to reach beyond the betrayal and restore the promise of renewed fidelity.

However, over time, you both need identify the many factors (on both sides) that made your marriage vulnerable to the possibility of cheating in the first place. Otherwise, you remain clinging to a victim role rather than exploring the possibility of positive changes that can happen now in order to rebuild trust.

This article originally appeared on YourTango.com.

 

    23 replies to "7 Things Your Husband Won’t Tell You About His Affair"

    • tabs

      Guess I’ll start off the conversation…

      Of the 7 things, I believe four are true, at least for me.

      1. He hoped you would never find out.
      5. He wishes you could move beyond it and stop bringing it up.
      6. He does not know what to say when you want to go over it again.
      7. He feels interrogated and wishes he could defend himself (and knows he can’t).

      The others items… well, I can’t quite swallow as true.

      2. He wants you to believe he didn’t intend for things to get out of hand.
      3. He can’t believe that he’s done this.
      4. He is blown away by how much pain he has caused you.

      After hearing, very early in the great reveal of Dday, my H admitted he went looking for a PA. He found it in just two days. He most definitely wanted things to get out of hand and into bed.

      Item #3 is flat out false. He went to great lengths to continue the PA by traveling internationally to China 5 times in the year. When something like a PA is repeated over and over, there’s thought and total conviction behind the lies and deception.

      Lastly, item 4. I’ve given this one a lot of thought. At one time, my H said he “knew” just how much pain I was in. How could he? If I cheated on him, then yes, he’d understand what I’ve endured. Am I pathetic enough to say he can’t empathize? …don’t know. It’s a feeling, deep in my gut, that my H has no clue of the amount and depth pain he inflicted.

      • Doug

        Thanks Tabs. I agree with your last statement. I don’t think that most CS have any idea how much pain they’ve cause – or maybe they just don’t care.

    • Rachel

      1. It wasn’t an affair, we’re just friends!

    • Tabs

      Doug-
      As horrible as it sounds, you’re right. It could be that my CS just doesn’t care. He had his cake and got to eat it, too.

    • Strengthrequired

      Tabs, I felt the same as you after reading. I know my h just didn’t care, he was getting off having his cake and eating it too, he really didn’t care much of anything. He behaved like a child that was in a rebellious stage, he wanted to do what he wanted, and no one was going to deny him, none was going to tell him what to do or not to do. He was the one that had to pull himself out of the deep hole he was digging for himself. He had to learn how to put his big man pants back on, and he needed to realise that you reap what you sow, if your going to be an ass, your world is going to get darker, if you start being that descent honourable man again, your world will become bright again.
      It’s hard to believe they wait until it gets so dark and gloomy before they take action to be better again, but it does.

      • Jen

        Tabs and Strengthrequired,

        I agree with you both. My husband definitely went looking because he was angry at me. He told me, “If it hadn’t been her, it would have been someone else.” And he went to a lot of trouble that involved intricate plans to maintain it and hide it for over 5 years. He did not just “fall into it” or keep on with it because it was easy.

        As far as #7, “knowing he can’t defend himself,” that is definitely not true for my husband, much to my sorrow. Defending himself and blaming me is all he did for almost 2 years afterward. He threw out a few “I’m sorry”s, but they were always followed with a “but.”

        He has finally gotten some help for his depression, shown remorse, and realized I am not to blame for his actions or unhappiness, but I’m thinking it might be too little, too late. I’m too tired at this point and am wondering what *I* was thinking in letting him essentially dictate the terms of my recovery. I thought I was being patient; now I just feel like a doormat. He now knows how much he risked, and I don’t worry that he would ever do it again. I just can’t figure out if I care anymore.

    • Tabs

      Strength-
      Soooo true. When I confronted my H about flirting with a girl less than half his age, he told me that he was not flirting. About a year later, he admitted that he could have “treated me better”. It would have been far better for my H to confess earlier that he was an ass. As it is now, I believe my H deserves to live in a dark and gloomy world!

      • Strengthrequired

        Tabs, like to know what they think it is then, if they don’t think it is flirting. Lol. My h knows I won’t take anymore of his flirting.

    • TryingHard

      LOL I saw this in the Huffington yesterday and couldn’t wait to read it. So freaking uninspiring. I could have written it. Makes men look like hapless victims. Jeez give me a break!

      I have a stinking feeling there’s a whole lot more my h doesn’t want me to know and that he can hardly wait till the OW finally dies from her cancer because DEAD GIRLS DON’T TALK!!!

      • Strengthrequired

        Lol th, unless you go visit a medium and they say to you there is a woman wanting you to know something lol. Then they do talk. Couldn’t resist….

      • Strengthrequired

        Ohh and th, they. Use have thought we were that bad, for the, to feel like they are the one who was victimised. Poor little men couldn’t keep their old fellar in their pants, when their heads were so depressed. Well that will make me feel better. Idiots…. I still stand by, if the shoe was on the other foot, my h wouldn’t have stayed, he would have left and would not have been so forgiving.

    • Rachel

      So what is the common denominator with a cheater? ADD? ADHD? Needs to be put on a pedestal ? Needs the ego stroked? Or just pompous ass?
      I work with many men who don’t cross the line. True gentlemen, like my dad. Kind and respected. Like the new man I am dating. He treats me with total respect. I can’t say that about my ex.

    • Gizfield

      it’s ironic when my husband was dating his new best friend, the whore, and saying nothing was wrong with it I said How about I start texting and calling one of your friends all the time. he said he wouldn’t have any problem with it.

      well guess what. a couple of months ago my brother and his girlfriend had to move in with one of their friends do you to the fact the house they lived in was sold. earlier this week I invited them and the friend to my daughters birthday party. The friend is one of the flirtatious types and

    • Gizfield

      talking about how good looking I was, blonde, how he wished I were not married, etc. I hate that crap but it was great to have mr. Wonderful see how it is. he got really jealous and pissed. he said I can’t believe this guy comes in my house flirting with my WIFE. lol, now he doesn’t even want my brother to come to the house for Christmas.. they can dish it out but they can’t take it,. the friend is gross by the way and I would never date him, which makes it even funnier.

      • Strengthrequired

        Ohh giz, how the tables turn. How nice is it for him to feel jealous that someone else thinks highly of his wife. I like hearing things like this, it is like a win for us betrayed. Ai know I would have loved to have my h feel jealous, that someone is interested in getting my attention, especially during his head up ass stage.

    • Jeff

      This could applies to wives that cheat as well. I believe those were the top 7 for my wife as well. After most has been revealed about her affair these things have all shown up.
      All of it sucks and hurts beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

    • Tryinghard

      Of course it applis to women. It’s always the same tired excuses. “It just happened.” is a ridiculous and tired excuse. It DOESNT just happen. You don’t just see someone and fall into their arms. It’s totally planned and thought out. Sure you might meet someone and feel an attraction but moral, smart, sane people say no that person is married. Even if there is an attraction and undoubtedly there are attractions even when married to someone else but once that first suggestive email, text, or even look crosses the line you stop it.

      There are lots of attractive folks out there that one could fantasize about but somewhere in that pukin little head don’t they ever think “wow this won’t end well” and stop it?obviously not:). It’s just all part of the lie that they continue to tell themselves. Well I say, how’s that working for you?they may buy it but I don’t. And when they don’t even after a lot of time has passed and they continue to justify themselves as victims of llllove just makes them look sorry and pathetic.

      • Strengthrequired

        Jeff, definately applies to wives as well, and I agree with you, it’s such a excruciating pain to go through.

        Th, ohhh how lovely those love feelings must be, when you are in denial and your husband/wife and children don’t exist in your world. How purrrrfect it must be. I am sure we would all lve to escape some of the shitty times we have had in our lives, but seeking that pleasure with someone else apart from your spouse and children isnt something someone with better judgement takes on.
        Affairs, do not just happen, and yes the first sign things are appearing like they are going to get to crossing the line stage, it should have stopped. There is an opportunity to stop, but as we have all found out here, that opportunity didn’t mean squat to our spouses. Hopefully now, our spouses have learned that there is a moral line that although is not seen directly in front of you, it is there, and it should never be crossed, or even pushed to the limit of getting anywhere near being crossed again.

    • Nephila

      All good except the last one. No, this “taking responsibility on both sides” rubbish is just mealy mouthed words for “here BS take some blame”. I’m sick of reading that from allegedly “supportive” people.

      Yep I take responsibility and the marriage wasn’t perfect because no marriage is and never will be. So what? Does not add anything. Yeah for three months – three months! – he “felt neglected”… Well I was working full time, pregnant, caring for another child and doing a long commute. Whoop-de-do he felt “neglected”. I could say the same. But I didnt cheat. So that last one gets nowhere. Adds nothing. Stick with the others.

      • Scott

        It’s been a while since my dday and divorce, but this is one of those lingering things that drives me nuts. It’s why I never stuck with an MC, and why I had to end friendships. People wouldn’t let go of “what did you do”. The answer, everytime, is nothing. I was who I was, am who I am, not perfect, but for 15 years it was fine. Then all the sudden it’s world ending that I’m not great with a hammer and don’t paint well? It’s all BS. There’s only one person responsible in any and all fashion for an affair, and that’s the cheater. Doing the “what was wrong with your marriage” dance is just crap from people who haven’t lived it.

        In over 2 years of reading, and learning, I heard one, and only one, appropriate answer to this question when brought up by an MC, “What did your faithful wife do wrong in the marriage”, her cheater husband told the MC, “Not one damn thing, and if you ask it again, I’ll whip your a&&”.

        That’s the way to handle it. Zero blame on the faithful spouse. Zero. None, ever. Not now, not 20 years from now. That’s the only way to own the blame totally.

    • theresa

      There are times that I need to chime in, but the words don’t come. Oh, they’re there, but I can’t even follow the train of thought when reading them back!
      This took a while.
      What won’t he tell?
      The truth.
      The whole truth.
      And nothing but the truth.
      So help……

      • TryingHard

        Theresa
        Well said!!!

    • Beckyb2

      The cheaters feel Entitled to your trust even though they created used and abused every word thought choice and action to rob you of your right to decide with factual information who you trust. Self centered immature liars make deliberate conscious choices as to who they can trust to believe their (fantasy/lies) those are the lowest forms of human life they can use/find . You have to admit not one single cheater is going to say I love my spouse so let me go find someone better oh NO the only ones that would agree to abusing themselves and a strangers family are low in the gene pool and the intelligence they can be the lowest yet with our spouses abusing us to pull lowlifes out of their own sewer our spouses are sucked into a shitty life they can blindly ignore what they have become. Denial is the cheaters only companion as in (it is multiple nameless hookers professional prostitutes and street sluts)No it is not a whore it is married but it is not the way you are saying it wasn’t filthy it wasn’t nasty it wasn’t being payed for sex you just don’t know (it received bags of pot for sex in motels in our cars in our bed in our children’s presence he chose to parade his street slut to our kids hmm if justice is blind then are cheaters senseless heartless cruel hateful low life’s hell bent on denying their own cruel callous heartless intentional destruction of who they are to us the person who loved them and trusted them?

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