The following post was originally posted over a year ago, but recently one of our readers thought it would be a good idea to post it again.  Since we like to oblige with such requests whenever possible, we decided it was indeed a good idea to do so today.

This time around we’d like to hear how your affair recovery is going based on the list below, as well as anything else you’d like to add to the list.  Let us know in the comments.

Surviving Infidelity: The Top 26 Things You Both Must Do

The following list of 26 things to do for surviving infidelity was emailed to us recently and we thought it was worth sharing with you.  Let us know if you have any additions you think might be necessary.

In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that the cheating spouse must do:

1. He must be totally honest with you about everything

2. He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.

3. He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.

4. He must prove his love to you…he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.

5. He must feel your pain.

6. He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.

7. He must accept full responsibility for his actions.

8. He must stop all contact with affair partner and not try to protect them.

9. He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions—within reason.

10. He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.

11. He must recognize when you’re struggling or experiencing an affair trigger and comfort you.

12. He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.

13. He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.

14. He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.

15. He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.

16. He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.

17. He must be willing to seek counseling.

18. He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex…he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

Here is a list of things that the betrayed spouse must do:

1. Give him the necessary time to prove his love and commitment to you.

2. Be open with your feelings.

3. Ask the questions that are important to you.

4. Don’t be afraid that you will drive him away while you are trying to heal.

5. Stop blaming yourself for his actions. You are in no way responsible…even if you are Attila the Hun!

6. You must be able to let him connect with you. (this one takes time)

7. You must continue checking up on him in order to let him rebuild trust.

8. You must be willing to seek counseling so that you do not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery such as anger or depression.

Naturally, every case is different and everybody has different needs, so there may be additional requirements in many instances, or others may get by with less.  Additionally, the time frame for surviving infidelity is different for each of us.  Some may take a few months, others a few years, and yet some may never get over it. The point is that in order for a marriage to have a chance at surviving infidelity, both spouses must leave their inhibitions and hang-ups at the door and work hard to make it happen.

 

    3 replies to "26 Tasks For Surviving Infidelity"

    • D

      Thank you again for revisiting this post. This will help me again when those moments of insecurity appear. I would like for my husband to read this to understand where I am coming from.

    • roller coaster rider

      I have found this list incredibly helpful…and I’m sharing it. It sure made a difference to me when I found a copy of it and saw that DH had highlighted some of the words, things he needs to do…

    • M girl

      Hi i would like to commend Doug and Linda for this excellent site. It’s given me lots of strength since I discovered my fiance’s EA just over a month ago. After moving out for a month, I just moved back in to work on the relationship.

      My fiancé has decided to stay with me, but I think he is going thru the grieving stage. The OP who is married, she still texts him here and there. Apparently her husband found out abt the affair and wants to leave her. My fiancé is very upset about the pain he has caused her. I just wish he can get over his feelings soon. He and the OP got into the EA in march after texting each other since jan/feb and it turned into a PA in end march. I discovered it when I picked him up from the airport after a week long conference to find that the OP had flown to join him there for the weekend. I think if it hadn’t been for that trip, he would have an easier time letting go.

      I wonder how long it will take for him to get over it, seeing that it was forced to end after 3 months? He says it was not a one night stand and he cares about her.

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