The night after his divorce was finalized,  motivational speaker Gerald Rogers shared his marriage tips on Facebook. He was very open and honest that there were a lot of things he could have done differently to save his marriage.

The heartfelt advice Rogers shared, posted as a public note, went viral and actually landed him on the Today Show last week. 

Though he is writing this for himself and is directed towards men, women can certainly take something away from it as well.  He followed this piece up with some advice  geared towards women that we will share on Friday

Gerald Rogers Marriage TipsMarriage Advice I Wish I Would Have Had

by Gerald Rogers

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…

1) NEVER STOP COURTING.  Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

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5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8)  Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

See also  Save Your Marriage Tip – Admit When You Are Wrong

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

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19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Here’s a nice interview that Gerald did with Andrea Cox:

Good stuff!  Please leave your comments – or your own marriage tips – below.


    6 replies to "Gerald Rogers – 20 Marriage Tips from a Divorced Man"

    • Saw the Light (formerly Roller Coaster Rider)

      If any man truly devoted himself to following these principles on a daily basis, there is no good woman on earth who wouldn’t promise to be committed to him, to follow him to the ends of the earth, to being his most devoted fan, to loving him back with her whole heart. The thing is, we can all be so very selfish. And once we have been hurt deeply and ripped apart by the man we wanted to trust, it becomes very hard not to become bitter and suspicious (which I suspect do not lead to attractive availability!) No wonder everyone was so excited to read this…it touches a chord in all of us. This is what we want. Not perfection, just an honest guy who will man up and be a person of character and actually give his wife and marriage priority. I will definitely be sharing this with my brothers-in-law, sons and sons-in-law…and any future potential spouse! Thanks for posting it, Doug and Linda. 🙂

      • Saw the Light (formerly Roller Coaster Rider)

        Okay, maybe I won’t share it with the men I know. I doubt most of them would be all that excited to receive a ‘to-do list’ from me, anyway! I’ve been thinking about how I could share all day long with my ex, and he could even show some interest in things like this, and yet, when all is said and done, I think a man comes up with this list when he is A) hurting from finally realizing he’s blown it big time and B) probably looking to move on and impress a new date. Guess it’s that lack of trust I now have. Hmm…

    • Gizfield

      Saw the Light, I don’t blame you on not trusting any one after the crap your ex pulled. Hes definitely a special kind of messed up, as is the Other Woman mixed up with him. What on earth csn these people be thinking??? I mean, who would want to willingly get involved with a man continuously cheating on his wife? anybody that thinks affair partners dont have a screw loose just hasn’t been around one…

      • Saw the Light (formerly Roller Coaster Rider)

        Yes, Giz, she is not only incredibly messed up but a counselor to boot! That is how my ex first knew her, as she counseled juveniles appearing before him in court. He had to quit his job because of her, since he lied about her in order to get the job in the first place, and he saw the writing on the wall…quit or face the shame of publicly being fired. She knows she’s messed up (said so to me on my last and final D-Day in July.) She compared their relationship to two cockroaches scurrying around in the dark. Apparently they’re still seeing each other (according to one of my kids who asked him a month or so ago.) I couldn’t care less. They truly deserve each other. My next hurdle is not getting stuck in the anger and bitterness, and I have some positive changes coming that should help with that.

    • DJ

      I posted this on my blog and on my Facebook page last week. Interesting comments on my FB page. People either thought it was ridiculously idealistic or something they were touched by and immediately wanted to share it with everyone they knew.

      Most interesting was the fact that, as far as I know, the ones who found it touching were the ones who have lost it all at some point, either by divorce or by infidelity or both. The ones who blew it off were the ones who either have suffered little or can’t see how important it is to nurture the marriage relationship… like those couples at Doug’s block party last week. Can’t see what’s going on right in front of them…

      I friended Gerald Rogers on Facebook so I see his posts now. Interesting. I’m planning to share his list with my husband, but with business trips and busy schedules we have not had the opportunity. I’m hoping for this weekend.

    • Notperfect5

      My wife had an EA of which I had been aware. I begged and pleaded with her for months to stop. I bought a new house, took her on vacations, really tried to spend more time with her and put my work to support my family on the back burner. I pulled out all the stops I could to nice her back, but she went on to turn it into a physical affair.

      Now I am forced with divorcing her, splitting up my family of 7 (ages 15-4), or living with the fact that my wife had an affair in front of me for over a year, even using my eldest daughter to help cover up her physical affair.

      So, I look at this list now and I want to vomit. I’m not a workaholic, but I worked hard to support my family and be a good father. Could I have been a better husband? Yes. Could I have taken her on more dates and spent more attention on her? Yes, certainly. But there is only so much time, and I had already given up my friends and hobbies to focus on the family.

      It hurts deep to see good, honest effort thrown away. The gift of forgiveness and reconciliation thrown away time after time as she went back to him over and over. To know my eldest had to baby sit their siblings as she went off have sex in a hotel as I was at work.

      I guess my 2 cents are this: This list is impossible. But individually it is not. Pick a few and do them. Mix it up and do a few more one month and focus on others another. Work to improve a little each day. But remember, love is a two way street and you can’t nice someone back. You have to say, “What you are doing is unacceptable and I chose now to divorce you.” You must have respect as a spouse, a parent, and a person. You need to have self respect before you can give of yourself.


      — surviving and reconciling. Learning to be respected and establishing boundaries…

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