Some points to remember so you or your spouse won’t have another affair.
By Doug
One nagging question that seems to always be in the back of a betrayed spouse’s mind is “How do I know he/she won’t have another affair?” This question seems to exist regardless of the quality of a couple’s affair recovery. It may also exist in the mind of the cheater, as he/she may question their will-power if faced with temptation again.
Linda has mentioned more than a few times over the last couple of years that she just doesn’t want to get hurt again. This is absolutely a normal and understandable feeling. Though I think deep down she really feels that I will never have another affair, there is always that lingering thought in the back of her mind. After all, she never thought I would have an emotional affair in the first place.
As we all know, there are no guarantees in life, and this certainly applies when it comes to affairs. Instead, there are probabilities.
As a couple goes through the process of affair recovery, they will learn many lessons. Learning how to identify and address vulnerabilities in your marriage should be among them.
Shirley Glass Ph.D, in her book “Not Just Friends” gives us some points to remember that will allow you to validate your positive resources as you move forward and lessen the probability of there being another affair.
You both should have an increased clarity about appropriate thresholds in friendships. In other words, you both should have discussed and defined the boundaries when it comes to friendships with those of the opposite sex.
You make sure that all of your friends are friends of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and don’t believe in fooling around. Friends who react to marital strife with problem solving approaches that support continued commitment. Our closest friends are all married couples who are devoted to each other and their families.
You agree what commitment and exclusivity mean. Don’t allow yourself to be pulled away from your beliefs, priorities and your vows by being distracted by another person. Commit to being faithful.
You can talk together about individual vulnerabilities and danger signs without defensiveness. This is one aspect that Linda and I have really improved upon as a result of this whole experience. We no longer are complacent and aren’t hesitant to share what’s on our minds – good or bad.
You recognize problems in the marriage that could threaten your commitment. My emotional affair has made us take a good hard look at ourselves and our relationship before, during and after the affair, and we now have a sound understanding and awareness of potential problems and how to resolve them.
You show understanding for each other in everyday interactions. We no longer take each other for granted, nor discount or ignore each other’s feelings or needs. We are pretty much on the same wavelength with virtually every aspect of our marriage and family life.
Your relationship is a priority that comes before everything and everyone else. When we’re not working, Linda and I spend almost all of our time together. We don’t always have a lot of “alone” time, but when we do, we try to take advantage of it in a variety of ways. We’re best friends and we take care of each other as best we can.
In the end, if you feel comfortable right now that your spouse is trustworthy and is doing everything he/she should be to deserve your trust, don’t throw away the pleasure that you are having today for the thought of what might happen tomorrow.
7 replies to "Will My Spouse Have Another Affair?"
I’m in need of some advise, please.
I have posted several comments about what is going on with my husband. Just to recap. He is her supervisor and the OW best friend turned them in to HR. They were interviewed and there was no proof, so they got off the hook. He moved her across the street under a different name and was having her over to our home, even when my children were there. I caught her hiding in my house naked one day. My husband insists that she came over to use the shower. Load of #$%^. I read a couple of texts, so I know they are having sex. My husband insists that it is over, but I have access to his cell phone account. They are still calling each other and texting each other like crazy. I don’t really know what the conversations are about. Here’s the thing. My husband insists he wants our marriage. We just put a house into escrow. It is a complete fixer upper. Its going to take quite a while to fix it up. We also have a family function, with my side of the family, at the end of the month. He got the days off and wants to go. I’m so confused…. he seems committed, yet is still is seeing her. I don’t think he’s meeting up with her as often as he was. I know she is getting frustrated with him because he doesn’t open up his feelings to her (I read in a text). She says she wants him to prove to her that he loves her with his actions. Buying a new home with his family isn’t exactly proving that to her. I don’t even know if she knows this. At this point, I can print out the cell phone records and confront him, which I know will cause a fight and piss him off, or I can just back off, pretend that nothing is happening and see what happens. I did try the ultimatum that I would leave, but it back fired. It just made him mad. Though I feel that I could possibly leave him, I think about my 3 and 4 year old children and how they would feel. I would rather go through the pain of dealing with this, just so they don’t have to feel the confusion of their mom and dad splitting up. I just need an outside perspective because I know I ‘m not seeing things as clearly.
RR., Again, sorry to hear what you are going through. From my perspective, it sounds as though your husband is having his cake and eating it too. He is having a hard time breaking free from her because of continued contact, his feelings for her and the pressure she is applying. He is conflicted. He is ambivalent. He cannot simply flip a switch and turn off his feelings for the other person (though it does sound as though their bond is weakening). A classic sign of the addiction that the affair can cause. His feelings and actions may also change from one day to the next.
Obviously this is causing uncertainty on your part about his commitment to work on the marriage. If he continues this type of action for too long, it causes trauma to you over and over again and will make healing difficult, whether or not the marriage continues.
Others may disagree here, but even though it might piss him off, in my opinion, you should confront him with what you know. You need to establish safety in your marriage, and the first step is for him to end all contact and then he must resolve to share with you any future contact of any nature. Him getting mad is just a way to deflect the situation back to you and away from him. If he steps back and thinks about it, he should realize the pain and hurt he has caused. He needs to figure out what he wants and make a commitment one way or the other. FYI…One of the main catalysts for me ending my affair was when Linda reviewed the phone records and discovered all the texts and phone calls. Perhaps this coould be the catalyst for your husband as well.
Ok, well I printed out the records…I was pretty mad. Couldn’t help myself. I went home, didn’t say anything to him. I just threw the records down on the table and left. He called me and said that our child was crying, which he was just being a jerk about it. He asked me why I stormed off. I told him to look on the table. I told him that we needed to talk and he said that there was nothing left to talk about, that we were over. Pretty much the response I expected. But ending our marriage is better then him lying and decieving me on a daily basis.
Yuki took the words out of my mouth. His reaction was a knee-jerk one because he got busted. I think you needed to get your cards on the table though.
RR – I too think you did the right thing!! I’m sure you caught him off guard by calling him out on his shameful behavior. It will be difficult, but you don’t have to leave. It is up to him to decide what he wants, but he CAN’T have both a marriage and an affair at the same time. Back off and give him some time to stew. Act calm when he’s around and go about your daily affairs and plans as if all was normal. When you feel it is right, ask to have a calm conversation and lay it out for him that you want to continue in the marriage but only if he obeys the no-contact rule. If he will not, then calmly consult an attorney and find out what the best options are for you and your kids.
Praying for you and your family . . . take care.
Wow, I am so sorry you had to find us here. If I were you, I would completely review the healing library at http://www.survivinginfidelity.com. This seems too new for you and you don’t want to make too many mistakes.
In cases like this where tough love is needed, the cheating spouse will usually react with anger and threats. You have to follow through with it anyway. And yes, read up on it so you know how to properly do it, or it can backfire.
It sounds like you have built up some strength to handle it. It will be tough, that’s for sure. As Doug has told you, he needs to respect you, regardless the state of your relationship. His behavior has been absolutely shameful and just plain wrong.
You’re on my prayer list now. Good luck.