Why People Cheat – 11 Reasons to Consider

why people cheatThis week Bella Ryan was kind enough to write a guest post for us offering her observations and opinions on the possible reasons why people cheat.  Thanks Bella!  

Cheating on Your Spouse – Understanding the Dilemma

Did you know that more than 50% of people in committed relationships cheat on each other? What’s more astounding is that almost every married couple – 98% to be precise, fantasizes about people other than their own partners. People cheat, even when they are happily married.

This proves that the science of cheating is far more intricate than what it appears to be. When the task at hand is to understand the real reasons underlying infidelity, the work of psychologists and social analysts can be of great help.

Whether you have been cheated upon yourself or are generally interested in the subject itself and are wondering “why do people cheat after all?” here are some of the reasons why married or committed people can potentially go astray at some point in their lives:

 1.  Evolutionary instinct:

It goes without any doubt that man is an animal and no matter how sophisticated or intellectually superior he may be, he still shares some common set of needs with his animal counterparts. Promiscuity – the act of indulging in multiple relationships at one time, primarily for sex, is quite prevalent in the animal kingdom. So is the lack of commitment. In fact, some animals never build a family. They just pair up for sex and then depart, never to see each other again.

Humans on the other hand have suppressed this innate desire and compromised to living a life that confirms to their social norms. But stifling an instinct does not mean that it disappears completely – in fact it may manifest itself in another form, often more violent and outrageous.

However, this does not mean that everyone does it or feels the need to do so. Obviously the chances of peering beyond your lawful relationship are multifactorial and have to do with more than just instinct.

2.  Monotony:

A monotonous routine can be a killer! When days and nights become dull and totally predictable, that’s where the toxicity can set in. We can start feeling choked, depressed, hopeless and miserable with every passing day. Life starts looking like a burden that we carry on our shoulders – with the same drudgery to be performed every day, the same faces to see, the same attitudes to face and the same set of responsibilities to fulfill from dawn to dusk.

If you would have ever studied history, you would probably know that early man was a nomad, who used to wander from place to place. Why? Not only for the sake of food and shelter. But for the thrill and adventure of the move itself. Human mind is not designed to become a slave of monotony. It gets bored soon. It is always looking forward to something new and exciting. Something out of the blue cheers us up and makes us feel happy. But the problem arises when novelty becomes a chapter of the past.

It is common for the first few years of marriage to be full of love and care. Partners often surprise each other with gifts and birthday parties. They move out and about for the sake of fun. They try different things to please each other. Every day is a new day, full of possibilities. As years pass by, the magic of love fades… the emotional surge dies away… every things comes down to the basal level. You start looking more like two strangers living under the same roof, completely oblivious to each other’s needs. This is when the urge to break the monotony forces people to break new ground and try a different relationship.

cheating on your spouse3.  Lack of emotional fulfillment:

To love and be loved in return is a basic human instinct. The feeling of being wanted by someone fills us with euphoria. Being the center of importance for someone special, stirs up feelings of excitement and exhilaration. Being loved redefines the meaning of life and gives us a new reason to live. The need for sex may vary between individuals but the desire for intimacy remains constant. After a hard day at work, a tight hug and few words of love have the healing power to take away our pains and tiredness and refresh us for the upcoming day.

However, as years go by, it seemingly becomes more and more difficult for the couple to enjoy the same sharing experience. As the family grows, the focus of attention shifts from the marital relationship to the kids and a list of never ending tasks at home and beyond. In an attempt to earn more and improve the quality of life for his family, the husband forgets for whom he is actually doing all this for. The wife and the kids feel neglected and ignored. The husband retreats into his shell seeing his wife trapped in the whirlwind of ever-lasting chores and feels that she never has any time to spare for him.

Gradually the couple drifts apart and feelings of estrangement set in. The block in the emotional pipeline creates a void in the human brain that needs to be filled, sooner or later. And though it may apparently seem that your husband or your wife is cheating on you, it might be an unconscious attempt at vanquishing the emotional vacuum that haunts their soul. So, before you rise and pass judgment at someone, take a moment to reflect upon the exact reasons that may have driven them to the point where they stand today.

4.  Criticism:

Each one of us needs to be wanted, encouraged and appreciated in life. Encouragement and appreciation work hand in hand to boost one’s self confidence and morale. It can work wonders and make us perform miraculously in life. The spark of ecstasy dies down as undue criticism takes over.

It is a fact that no two individuals are alike and hence the conflict of opinions is a very natural occurrence. However, if the differences are not sorted out properly through negotiation, they sink down to greater depths, leading to feelings of resentment, often manifested in the form of perpetual criticism and sarcastic tantrums. Destructive criticism, meant to belittle our partner and satisfy our ego, shatters his/her confidence and the ability to take initiatives in life. This leads to depression and hopelessness, in the longer run.

Humans are, however, not designed to spiral down into self-destruction. Behavioral changes work in a positive feedback fashion, to bring them back to life.  Remember, that constant nagging and negative feedback can activate a positivity-seeking behavior in your partner, mostly driving them toward another of their own kind. So, give them their due share of appreciation and love. Don’t forget to acknowledge their contributions in your life. Learn to say ‘thanks’ for small endeavors. Give him/her the feeling that they are still wanted in your life. Don’t let criticism spoil your relation and force your partner to seek satisfaction somewhere else.

5.  The desire for domination:

Men have a natural tendency to dominate. They expect woman to be fragile and submissive. When the women throw-off their veil of shyness and submission and start competing with their men on a one-to-one basis, they start to feel that their women have lost their femininity. The magical connection between a husband and a wife starts dwindling. At times, this provides the motivation for men to seek their desired parameters, beyond their home.

At other times, the husbands may feel that they have lost the dominating edge over their wives. This happens, for example, when they lose their jobs or when they earn less than their partners. In such times, to dispel feelings of lowliness and frustration and to regain their domination, they shift their energies and attentions toward another woman.

Fingers crossed6.  Getting away with the act:

Some men or woman believe that their partners trust or love them too much to even think of being betrayed by them. Others are too busy to bother about what’s happening in their spouse’s lives. Sometimes, just the idea that you can get away with anything you do, wakes up the devil inside you that instigates you to try cheating for fun.  At other times, people who truly feel disappointed with their lives use it as an excuse to cheat on their partners. However, putting a genuine escape plan into action becomes easier when there is not much chance of being caught.

7.  Lust for the opposite gender:

It may seem odd, but some men/women never seem to adjust to the idea of ‘monogamy’. Their lust for the opposite gender never quenches. Lustful inclinations make people switch partners the way they change their clothes. They never seem to get their fill of emotional satisfaction. The always crave for variety and new experiences. The notion of settling down with a single partner is simply beyond their imagination. This provides them the impetus to engage in multiple relationships with the opposite gender. What amounts to cheating in the eyes of the world, is the normal way of life for them and they tend to repeat the behavior even after being caught.

8.  Revenge:

Although it is a rare trait amongst women, cheating for the sake of revenge is more commonly seen in men. It is a powerful, driving force in many cases of adultery. Often, partners may deliberately indulge in extra marital activities, just to even the score with their partners.

9.  Bad company:

‘A man is defined by the company he keeps’, according to a common proverbial saying. Our social interactions greatly influence the direction of our thoughts and modify our behavior and actions. Many people take the initiative to cheat on their partners because it is common amongst their friends. Just because the people in their social circle cheat on their partners, many married men/women gradually let go of their inhibitions and follow suit. Others succumb to ‘peer pressure’ to become acceptable and a part of the larger group.

husband and wife on bed10.  Lacking the guts to say NO:

Many men and women have charming and magnetic personalities that attract others toward them. For some, it may be the time to exercise self-control. For others, it is simply too difficult to say NO to opportunistic sex. When a person from the opposite gender presents him/herself for sex, some people simply lack the nerve or willpower to refuse these opportunities and fall prey to any temptations that come their way.

11.  Attitude problems:

People’s attitudes tend to change over time, mostly headed toward insensitivity and indifference.

Some people tend to be more focused on problems than solutions. They perceive their partners, more as problem makers with little chance of improvement. Still others create strife over petty issues that can be resolved through negotiation. These attitudes invite contempt for a partner, rather than sympathy. When someone experiences hopelessness and hatred, it usually compels the person to look elsewhere for comfort and love.

Some people just don’t realize that small gestures of love matter a lot in relationships …Like bringing a flower to your loved one as a token of love… surprising each other with birthday cakes… buying each other small gifts. … At most times, the only thing needed are small words of appreciation that can speak volumes. Most people wait for great occasions to celebrate happiness and forget how important it is to express love and share happiness every now and then. This results in grievances piling up, eventually forcing the partners apart and toward someone else, outside of marriage.

Similarly, some people tend to be escapists. They tend to avoid situations in life, instead of facing them upfront. Marital life is not a garden of roses. It is lined with challenges and difficult episodes. Deliberately shielding oneself from the crude and bitter realities of life, weakens the bond between the couple. The suffering partner tends to think he/she is all alone in difficult times. Such feelings of loneliness and detachment eventually push the sufferer to pair up with someone else in order to revive that feeling of security and bonding, so vital to survival.


 Bella RyanBella Ryan is continuously writing on topics that are related to relationships, marriage, and happiness. She is an expert advisor who keenly observes and finds the solutions through experiences. She blogs at TheOneSpy – a parental control software.

 

 

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Inside the Mind of the Unfaithful
Understanding Why Cheaters Do What They Do

Doug and Tim share their experiences as ex-wayward spouses and answer the top 11 burning questions betrayed spouses typically have for the cheater.

 

 

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33 Responses to Why People Cheat – 11 Reasons to Consider

  1. exercisegrace January 26, 2016 at 1:45 pm #

    I am honestly not sure if this article was written tongue in cheek or if it was intended as a pocket guide for cheaters to use when/if they get caught. Because this is the type of Esther Perel-esqe drivel that is used to EXCUSE cheating. It is very damaging to betrayed spouses to even entertain such nonsense.

    1. Evolutionary Instinct. Whoever believes this, please raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it, you’re an IDIOT. There is no biological imperative that forces a person against their will to cheat. As further evidence, most affairs have an emotional attachment of some sort, further proving that humans are wired (or have “evolved” if you like) to be in monogamous relationships. Otherwise, we would all be running around screwing whoever, whatever and wherever we wanted. Most of us don’t. We avoid the cake buffet with little effort.

    2. Monotony. Sweetie, LIFE is monotonous. Paying bills, raising children, taking care of elderly relatives. Going to the same job every day, dealing with the same people. That is why we have HOBBIES. We golf or scrapbook. We invite our spouses to join us and we encourage their own hobbies. We don’t seek affairs. I have spent the last 20 years as a stay at home mom, raising four children. All involved in multiple sports, All honor roll students. If monotony was an excuse to cheat, I should have had about 11 affairs by now. I have had NONE. If a person is so shallow and weak-minded as to cheat out of BOREDOM? I suggest they remain single.

    3. “And though it may apparently seem that your husband or your wife is cheating on you, it might be an unconscious attempt at vanquishing the emotional vacuum that haunts their soul. So, before you rise and pass judgment at someone, take a moment to reflect upon the exact reasons that may have driven them to the point where they stand today.”

    Pass judgement? Are you mentally ill? Emotional vacuum that haunts their soul? Cheater cheater pumpkin eater!! Sadly most marriages do have seasons where people can feel lonely. Even neglected. But why is this always biased against the wife? Why does this situation that happens to BOTH spouses become an occasion to say the cheater was DRIVEN to cheat? Sorry. Flag on the play. We are ADULTS. As such, we are responsible for OUR OWN needs. We spoke vows and made promises. If we CHOOSE to not seek professional help. If we CHOOSE to not discuss things in an adult manner with our spouse. If we CHOOSE to not seek every option (and there are many) available to us. We are simply cowards. Toddlers hiding behind our immaturity. Could I not have cheated and blamed my husband for the long hours he worked? Could I not have blamed him for leaving 99.9% of the childcare and household chores to me? Of course! But I didn’t.

    4.” Don’t let criticism spoil your relation and force your partner to seek satisfaction somewhere else.”

    Oops. You got me on this one. I once criticized him for not taking the garbage out, and I FORCED HIM.. FORCED HIM to go out and screw some whore. My bad.

    I completely agree that we can be hard on our spouses. We can become critical when we are stressed or tired or feel over-burdened. But if this author really believes that being critical is a one way street in marriage? If she believes the betrayed spouses among us were never criticized? I am shocked. While my husband was cheating he was the most critical person I have ever been around. Oddly, an opportunity arose for ME to cheat. I did not. I was not even tempted. I dropped this friendship and avoided this man like the plague (father at one of the kids’ sports events, for reference). Again, we make decisions as mature adults. When there is a problem, we address it. We are not marched, goose-stepped, into the bed of some whore.

    5. I am not going to dignify this one with much of a response. So if I am not a Stepford wife, then I shouldn’t be surprised when he cheats?? And for reference, I am a Christian woman. I am well versed in what the bible says about being submissive to our husbands. But I am also well versed in what the bible says about a husband is treat his wife. She is his helpmeet and partner. Even in God’s eyes, adultery is grounds for divorce.

    6. I agree with this one. Opportunity may arise, and a weak-willed cheater with no moral compass may approach it with the “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” mentality.

    7. The author is confusing lust and emotional satisfaction in this one. In truth, nearly all the research and pretty every well-educated professional on the subject of infidelity will tell you it not about the sex. Lust isn’t what drives the affair. Emotional satisfaction is closer to the mark. But typically it is about apply spackle to some broken places in the cheater. They are seeking attention or validation. It is all about the reflection of THEMSELVES they see in the affair partners eyes.

    8. Rare.

    9. I agree with this one as well. We are hugely influenced by the company we keep. We can be socialized or desensitized to believe that certain behaviors are “not all THAT bad”. But again, this requires brokeness and a weak moral compass on the cheater’s part. It is a piece of a bigger puzzle, and not the largest piece at that.

    10. This can also be true. But after over three years of reading books and articles by experts in the field, as well as first hand blog accounts? Most cheaters resist for quite a while. They have the guts to say no, sometimes many times over. But something wears down in the end. Whatever is broken inside the cheater surfaces. Like seeks like, and when two very broken people meet it can have disastrous results.

    11. Eh. I am lukewarm on this one. Most people DO realize little gestures matter. After all, we are positively INUNDATED by commercials that tout romance. The REAL attitude problem is seeing relationships WITHOUT rose-colored glasses on. Life is hard. It is messy. We have to face weaknesses in ourselves and in our partners. We are not perfect. There are many demands on our time and on our resources. Relationships will go through seasons and we have to prepare for that. We each are responsible for setting and maintaining our own boundaries. WE WILL be tempted, at some point or another. Life WILL beat us down. Partners WILL disappoint us at times. Children/finances/responsibilities WILL wear on us, distract us, and pull us apart at times. If we recognize that, if we prepare for that, if we simply ACKNOWLEDGE that? We go a long, long way towards protecting our marriages.

    Sorry Doug and Linda, but this one was WAY WAY off base.

    • Doug January 26, 2016 at 1:59 pm #

      Great stuff EG. I don’t believe the author intended this to be tongue in cheek at all. And for what it’s worth, we should have placed a disclaimer…”The opinions and views of this post do not reflect those of Linda & Doug” or something to that effect. Thanks for your opinions and for your effort that goes into expressing them!

      • exercisegrace January 26, 2016 at 2:08 pm #

        Doug, I should have posted my own disclaimer. You and Linda have both been a tremendous source of information and support on my own journey. I am in no way taking a swing at you guys. But opinions such as this article, written by someone with (from what I can see) no education or training of ANY kind on this subject? Is a loose cannon aimed right at betrayed spouses.

        • antiskank January 26, 2016 at 6:01 pm #

          EG, Thank you! I am in complete agreement.
          You said it all so well. As I read the article, I became more and more angry at the ridiculous ideas presented. Monotony, boredom, criticism, domination!!! Please, do the cheaters really need a revised list of lame excuses?

    • Untold January 26, 2016 at 4:31 pm #

      Exceptionally well said EG. Mega dittos your response. Thank you. In summary though, you can roll all 11 of those reasons up into two – selfishness and immaturity. That’s what leads people to cheat instead of choose other more noble paths.

    • Falling Ash January 27, 2016 at 4:18 am #

      Way to go EG, and thank you for reminding me that despite my MANY faults, I wasn’t responsible for why my OH cheated. I didnt “force” him to sneak around behind my back and get his ego stroked. This list seems unfairly aimed at guilting out the BS. Shame on her!

  2. Golfgrrl January 26, 2016 at 5:25 pm #

    Cheaters cheat because they want to, They know it’s wrong. They do not care. They cheat because that is the choice they made. They cheat because they are willing to do anything to get what they want.

    It’s as basic as being unethical and not caring. That’s it.

    • TheFirstWife January 27, 2016 at 12:21 pm #

      Amen!

  3. TheFirstWife January 27, 2016 at 9:47 am #

    EG extremely well put. Sooooo in the author’s opinion there are many reasons people can use to validate and justify cheating. Here is my list of reasons:
    1. You travel for business and leave me home raising children alone for days and weeks on end.
    2. You play basketball every Saturday morning until 9am and I have to get up with kids
    3. You procrastinate.
    4. You go out at night after work and come home HOURS late with no calls.
    5. You make jokes at times when I need to have a serious conversation
    6. You never accept my suggestions or ideas. Many times it has to be your way or your idea.
    7. You are not as neat as me.
    8. You read books that I don’t like or care for.
    9. You like wine (I don’t like wine)
    10. You like sushi (I don’t )

    We are married 27 years. We are somewhat predictable and I think these are all good reasons for me to cheat on my H. We are in our 50s and middle aged and there is another reason to cheat. Mid life crisis.

    And yes during his affair I heard everything that was wrong with me. Horrible and nasty things. I was an evil witch.

    I get the author’s point about what people use as a reason for cheating. But at the end of the day it is a CHOICE. My H has deep regrets about his actions. As do I. He never realizd the full extent of his actions and how far and wide the ripple effect goes. But 2.5 years since DDay1 has been an eye opener for him.

    I would LOVE to see some articles written on this subject : why do cheaters, once caught, suddenly want to stay married and work on the marriage? Why all of a sudden does the spouse suddenly become so important? What changes?

    How does the same person go from being an evil witch (in the cheater’s mind) to the best thing?

    I wish I could get an answer on that. I am the same person before & during & after the affair. Not much changed but obviously the affair does change the BS. But I cannot forget my H almost walking out the door 3x in 6 months to be with the OW.

  4. TheFirstWife January 27, 2016 at 12:30 pm #

    I think one of the reasons people cheat is b/c they can pretend to be something they are not. My H cannot pretend to be some big corporate exec making millions of dollars to me but he can to someone else (as an example).

    I think that part of the allure of cheating is they pour their hearts out and get the AP to feel sorry for them. Then they get the “I would never do that to you” from the AP and they hear how great and wonderful they are.

    And it is all based on lies.

    The CS comes across as wonderful and caring and a good listener and a perfect mate. Well hell yes I can be perfect if I did not have children or a house or a job AND my own business and a mortgage to pay. And if i was selfish and had a new wardrobe every season and put myself FIRST every step of the way. Take that same AP and put them in our exact role and our CS would not give them a second look.

    Oh and of course it is a great ego boost to be in your 50s and have some psycho drama queen tattoo covered white trash appear and make you feel good. How sad. Grown men cannot see it for what it is.

    • Tabs January 27, 2016 at 7:52 pm #

      First,
      My H was in the process of dumping the OW he was sleeping with for a younger one, when I found out. She wasn’t a tattoo covered bitch, but she was a drama queen… a rich, spoiled drama queen that wanted whatever she desired. The fact she wanted my H must’ve stroked that ego. To this day, my H denies this fact…. yes, he’s a blind grown man.

  5. Rachel January 27, 2016 at 7:10 pm #

    I think cheating is just to fluff up ones ego.
    My ex has now denied all of it. No soulmate, no affair, no this no that.
    My boys said Huh??
    We scratch our heads and BREATHE!

    • Tabs January 27, 2016 at 11:01 pm #

      Rachel,
      My CH has denied a few details that I know I hear from him! It aggravates me to no end that he believes (or has forgotten) what he admitted. He told me that he “lusted” after this 22 year old girl. Now he says he never did.

      • Rachel January 28, 2016 at 7:12 am #

        Yes they are crazy.
        As my oldest son said, he’s in denial.
        It does aggravate me though that he’s probably blaming me for all of it.
        But I shouldn’t worry what others think.
        I just thank God that I was removed from that very crazy toxic person.

        • TheFirstWife January 28, 2016 at 12:31 pm #

          So glad you got out of crazy town.

          I just look at my H when he says “I really wasn’t going to leave you” or “I chose you”. I have the emails in black and white. He was trying to convince her to hang on and wait for him as he was leaving me. His friends would LOVE her b/c he LOVED her. He denied even loving her and glad I have that in written proof or I would think I was crazy.

          Also he sent her an email telling her we were going to counseling to start the divorce proceedings and he told me we were going to counseling b/c he loved me and wanted to make our marriage work. Maddening.

      • TheFirstWife January 28, 2016 at 9:14 pm #

        I have the same experience. Maddening to say the least.

  6. Gizfield January 27, 2016 at 10:42 pm #

    All of these Reasons To Cheat can be avoided by one action. Grow up! Be an adult man or woman. Not a hormone adled pseudo teenager.

  7. Gizfield January 27, 2016 at 10:53 pm #

    Rachel, your ex truly is insane. Be glad you are out of that three ring circus.

  8. theresa January 28, 2016 at 12:54 pm #

    How about

    BECAUSE I CAN

    Take a look. There’s lyrics and audio on this page

    http://www.songlyrics.com/estelle/do-my-thing-lyrics/

  9. Creston January 28, 2016 at 3:57 pm #

    THANK YOU EG for your response! we are in a finally in good place and seem to have weathered the worst of the storm, but this article actually made me furious! Glad to know so many agree that this article is crap! I guess it proves you can spin anything behavior to justify cheating!

  10. Tabs January 28, 2016 at 9:45 pm #

    I found an article in Business Insider about “the kiss of death” for a relationship. John Gottman, a psychologist from the University of Washington, believes the kiss of death is a contempt with a superiority complex. It’s a big reason for divorce and probably for cheating, although cheating wasn’t mentioned. Here’s a link to the article.

    http://www.businessinsider.com/behavior-thats-the-kiss-of-death-for-a-relationship-2016-1

    It’s a short. Please read and let me know what you think. It describes my CH during the middle of his affairs.

    • Strengthrequired January 29, 2016 at 12:36 am #

      Tab, sounds like my husband. Wants to cause an argument over the smallest of things. Even our children try to avoid him. Funny, because he thinks it’s us, not him. You get tired walking on eggshells, wondering when he comes home, who are we going to be greeted with, Jekyll or Hyde.

    • TheFirstWife January 29, 2016 at 5:38 am #

      Read it. Good points. Well written.

      Once in awhile I am guilty of stonewalling. I have walked away from an argument in an attempt to diffuse a situation not to avoid it altogether. Won’t do that anymore 😳

  11. AliasGrace January 29, 2016 at 6:05 am #

    First up, EG said everything I was thinking, thank you for that detailed run through! And I say that as a reformed, rebuilding, recovering CS. What an absolute load of tripe this blogger is talking. It’s as though she has gotten sucked into the affair fog of her clients.

    There is a place for pieces from the CS’s perspective. Bullshit-free aids to CS self-awareness exist but not much, and this adds to the dangerous amount of misinformation out there. Rightly, the commentary focuses on all the support that is needed for the heartbroken BS. If a writer produces something on the CS perspective it is critical to preface it with something to say that CS introspection (or BS working to understand theCS actions) is only of value if the CS has done everything in their power to make amends and work on their relationship and themselves. Or if the relationship has ended. If you’re in between then this perspective doesn’t help much.

    If CS is serious about recovery they need to develop understanding of what led them to cheat. But it doesn’t look like the pathetic list of excuses above. It looks like the short list of 5 bullet points Doug posted some time ago. It is self-reflective and deeply personal. Inspired by Doug I wrote my own list. It includes my personal weaknesses around a need for attention and approval that has always led to me form bonds and attachments in the wrong places. It includes my in-built fear of consequence that sat behind my ability to lie and conceal truth (aka cowardice). These are reasons, not excuses. There is no excuse. There is nothing that makes it ok. It’s about developing understanding and self awareness that lead to positive change.

    The list of ‘reasons’ in the blog is a way of looking at the relationship before the affair to examine where the imperfections lay, where the grounds for dissatisfaction may have been lurking. I take issue with much of the list (especially the deeply offensive and sexist stuff about man’s need to dominate his submissive woman, I thought this did a disservice both to women and to the men who love them). However there is value in examining the imperfections in a relationship, and they exist in any relationship. This is a valuable exercise and important piece of communication in any relationship. It has nothing whatever to do with affairs or affair recovery. It’s just about having a good conversation about unmet need or unrecognised dissatisfactions, that may or may not be more productive with support of a therapist, and is a great thing to do at any time. But not during a period of affair recovery. Do it before, improve the marriage, and don’t cheat.

    And definitely don’t make excuses.

    Ps as a CS it took a lot of courage to post on here. My darling husband liked my perspective on the blog and encouraged me to share it. Please don’t flame me. And thanks to this community for all the support and insight you have given to him and me since our DDay nearly 10 months ago.

    • Untold January 29, 2016 at 4:31 pm #

      Great job AliasGrace. I am a betrayed husband. I am still praying someday my CW gets it like you do. I admire and appreciate your willingness to post here. Keep up the good work for yourself and your husband.

    • TheFirstWife January 29, 2016 at 6:28 pm #

      Thank you for your honesty. Refreshing! I suspect many BS would like to see this perspective from their CS as well.

      I posted a question on this thread that I would love to know. What makes the CS want to stay and work on the marriage? If the CS is unhappy and then cheats and then practically ends the marriage except changes their mind at the last possible second – and wants to stay married- why is that? How can the same spouse be the evil wife or husband they cheat on and want to leave and then they are so wonderful and perfect.

      I wish I had some insight on that.

      • Strengthrequired January 30, 2016 at 2:09 am #

        Tfw, sometimes I wonder if it has so,etching to do with the unknown. Also maybe the thought cf divorce and for maybe the Cs who are men, worried they will end up with nothing, especially when the hear stories of the woman getting practically everything, even custody of the kids. I wonder if that’s why my husband stays. My husband tells me so many stories of male friends he knows that divorced and the exw taking them to the cleaners.

  12. AliasGrace January 30, 2016 at 5:29 am #

    There is no one answer FirstWife. It’s such a unique situation in every couple.
    Some people see it like this: http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

    My perspective?
    Maybe CS truly loves their BS but it is buried under all the shit and affair fog, so they prevaricate.
    Maybe CS has other motives such as wanting to keep the family together for the sake of the children.
    Maybe CS is just too gutless to go through with it when push comes to shove. Fear of an uncertain future, or what people might say.
    Maybe all three or something else, you cannot know the inner workings of another person, it’s fairly fruitless to try. All you can do is decide if you can tolerate their actions, and do you have faith that they can love you in a way that you value. If not today then one day.

    On our DDay my darling husband saw, literally saw, the affair fog lift as I turned 180 degrees from blaming and hating him to pure love. He says he saw it in my face and in my eyes. I looked at him like I haven’t for years. It hasn’t been an easy road since then. It took about a month for me to tell the full truth, and I have made a ton of other mistakes and screw-ups in the last 10 months. It took a lot of hard work, conflict and therapy to reach the point I’m sharing with you now. And it’s not over yet of course, we face a long road. And all I can offer you is my perspective. I hope you find some understanding and peace one day. You sound in turmoil it must be awful for you.

    I really recommend reading the second and third books by brene brown to anyone regardless of your situation. Start with her Ted talks but the books especially the third one (rising strong) can help with perspective. They aren’t specific to affair recovery.

    And therapy!! Find someone who can help integrate mind, body and feelings.

    Good luck to you

  13. AliasGrace January 31, 2016 at 4:56 am #

    Hi FirstWife
    I don’t think I actually answered your question in my last post. I thought of two things that could lie behind your CS’s confusing behaviour.

    1. Affair fog. I’m sure you know what I mean, if not then just google it.

    2. Emotional withdrawal. This is one of the body’s natural defence mechanisms in the face of perceived threat/danger. When fight/flight/freeze is triggered, some (not all) people go into a state of withdrawal. I have experienced this myself and it’s horrible and you have no idea it’s happening. All you know is that you feel nothing (your mind has shut it down to protect you from destructive feelings like shame). The danger is, all your feelings get numbed not just the ‘bad’ ones; including feelings of love and joy for your partner.

    Then the turnaround can occur if events are extreme enough to kick CS out of their state. Eg a DDay. Eg imminent divorce or separation.

    Any love they have for BS is buried under all the sh1t, but comes out at at the extreme situations. Unfortunately CS can then go back into fog and withdrawal. That’s where therapy can help.

    Hope that’s more helpful.

    Good luck everyone

  14. Hopeful January 31, 2016 at 8:49 am #

    I agree with many of you. Lists like this are a bunch of excuses/reasons why my husband chose to do what he did. I can understand all of them ibtellecitally but bottom line is he made hundreds of horrible decisions over and over with no ability to stop for 10’uears with two different women, women online..

    I struggle with his remarkable transformation from i am not “in love” with you any more on dday to supposedly being madly in love with me now and wanting to be with me as much as possible and planning the rest of our lives together. The one ap he only saw three times in 10 years and had random contact with her so that was not much. She contacted him 2 months after dday regarding a sick mutual friend and told her to stop and leave him alone and that was that. So that fizzled out. The other one they had been broken up for over a year and no contact for a year. So he did all that on his own and before telling me told himself never to have another affair. But these lines are all fuzzy. And my therapist said for him to give his word only is very tricky. It is like an alcoholic saying I promise I will never take a drink I swear on my kids. Rarely does this stick. He thinks my husband had bigger issues based on his long term behavior. I don’t know. Some days are really good and other days I think what am I doing. It is such a process…

    • TheFirstWife January 31, 2016 at 4:08 pm #

      I am in same position and same thought process.

      He had one strictly EA 17 years ago and he ended it and there has not been contact. Last EA/PA he wanted to end our marriage.

      Now he has deep regret and remorse but I wonder, if life gets too hard wil he be a repeat offender and have another a affair? Second one was typical mid life crisis together with work issues and unhappiness. And there were no issues. He was only unhappy with himself and his job and it spilled over to everything.

      I guess I will always be looking over my shoulder. Hsha

  15. theresa February 17, 2016 at 12:56 pm #

    I just read Jeff Murrah’s post on causes, justification, reasons. I thought it was perfect timing,

    http://www.surviveyourpartnersaffair.com/blog/2016/02/12/justifying-infidelity-again/?inf_contact_key=d93057a2e7cdc808743ab3923647803207dc26c390530574e575743f6f89ab82

  16. Elisa March 30, 2016 at 8:10 pm #

    I wholeheartedly agree with who someone associates with affects their views of relationships. My husband’s work setting has seen many marriages destroyed by EA and sexual affairs. It is pretty sad. You would think people in these settings would be more in tune with it and turn away from it.

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