Statistics state that just around 25% of relationships that start as marital affairs will succeed. While I was in my emotional affair relationship, I would have thought that this statistic was a bunch of crap. I would have simply dismissed it while in my “affair fog,” since I felt at the time that my relationship with Tanya was so wonderful.
Many in the same boat would probably say something like “Well our relationship is different than all the rest…” We all know that in most cases this is complete bull$#%t. The fact is, it is really hard to make a relationship that started as an affair, succeed in the long run.
Now that I’m far removed from my emotional affair, I can honestly say that I’m surprised that the percentage of successful relationships that start as marital affairs isn’t LOWER.
Linda pointed out a blog post from a therapist named Susan Berger that was very interesting, as it discussed the various reasons why she felt that marital affairs were destined not to succeed. (You can read her post by clicking here) One paragraph really stuck out as it pretty much fit my situation to a “T.”
Berger states:
The question of whether the new relationship will succeed relates to what function it is playing in your relationship with your partner. If you have the kind of primary relationship where you initially experienced a significant amount of time where you were mutually in love and satisfied with the relationship and then grew apart because of life stresses or conflict and you entered the affair to experience being in love again, this does not bode well for the long term success of the affair relationship. That is because almost all relationships follow a predictable course of developmental stages, all at some point going through a period of disillusionment which, if you can get through, lets you out into the side of a mature, dependable and sustaining love based on reality rather than romantic idealization. If you deal with the disillusionment by betraying the commitment you have made, then you may not have the tools to navigate this stage which is waiting for you down the road in your new relationship.
Now, believe it or not, I did come to realize this on my own. But I do admit that even though I am pushing 50, prior to my emotional affair I obviously didn’t have the tools to navigate my own marriage with Linda, much less try to do so in a new relationship.
I had an immature “romantic idealization” at the time, and since I wasn’t seeing that in my own relationship with Linda, I stumbled across it with Tanya. I guess you could say that was my own period of disillusionment.
Once removed from the emotional affair, I realized that any shot of a long lasting relationship with Tanya would have failed miserably, and Linda and I have managed to get through this period of “disillusionment” (on both our parts) with (as Berger states) a much more “mature, dependable and sustaining love based on reality rather than romantic idealization.”
LINESPACE
27 replies to "Why My Emotional Affair Relationship Would Never Have Succeeded"
Relationships built on deception are much more difficult.
In the end, if the person you are in love with is deceiving someone to be with you, how can you trust them in the long run? Won’t you have that, is he/she lieing to me feeling at some point? Or does the love you feel make you never think about that again?
Do you think at one point Tanya would think, “he cheated on her to be with me, is he cheating on me now?” Maybe a argument, disconnected period, or a tough time would bring that out in them.
Being affected by an affair changes how you think about people forever.
Michael, I think that you are accurate in your argument. I think that eventually both partners would eventually have feelings like that at some point.
Looking back at something my wife told me about her AP.
One of the sappy hooks he grabbed my wife with was..
He couldn’t trust his wife anymore because she was spending time with her ex. A man she had kids with. He said that his wife was having an affair with her ex.
So let’s say things went different. Let’s say she left to be with him. Couple of years down the line they are married, her third, his fourth. My then ex wife and I are spending time with our kids. Is he going to treat her the same and start looking for number five???
Why not. She must not have the same infatuation for him anymore!!!
Its how he is, is that the kind of man that you want to be with?
So much good reading on this site, I truly hope my partner’s affair crashes and burns out..but when! His way of justifying his actions is by leaving once affair was really out in the open,(it’s been going about a year, moved out late Jan/found out for sure late March) as this is his 2nd, quite soon after the first EA blew apart (he struggled with it not turning into a full on ‘relationship’)..i thought we were making progress then he starts up another (who lives far away). I would be interested to hear from anyone who has had to face separation, still in love with their spouse who may still well be in ‘brain fog’ as they continue an affair. How it happened (so intentionally and so soon after first) seems too weird to me. Doesn’t make sense at all. I would also like to know if anyone who is separated has been able to really talk through the issues as my partner justs shuts down (doesn’t want to take responsibility?) we have two boys (21 & 19) who have lost a lot of respect for him and he slips into the ‘fun’ Dad taking them out for meals, jokes and keeps life light and free from any reality. He seems a different man. Affairs are so cruel, tears your insides to pieces while trying to remain with some dignity and focus on life and moving on. I know I don’t have any control or influence on his decisions, I want to appear happy and detached; getting on with my life when i see him, which isn’t often at the moment (fake it till you make it) – I told him I wanted us to work through things, to be the ‘best us’ under this situation, but he doesn’t engage and just tells me he’s a good listener! He’s 61 and loves being ‘in love’…it’s the classic romantic affair. And her living far away just adds to the romance i guess…it’s so insane. I have been working on truly letting go, but then the triggers…and the hope…thanks.
Any advise for an ex-wife who is still hoping and praying his ex comes to his senses?..I caught my ex,who is 50, and 28 yrs of being together, for the first time in an affair with a member from his AA meetings,both ex-alcoholics/drug users, she has 3 teenagers at home, who are also drug users..I threw him out, when i found out what he did to our family..I was in shock and in distraught.he has been living with her for 20 months now, but I let him call me and he comes over on Sundays to see how iam doing..There has been no intimate contact with him..we have remained ‘friends’ he has promised to leave her as soon as he finishes something he has to do. he has never told what it is..she is not pregnant, she is 48 and he has told her he doesnt want anymore children…so? do you think Iam stupid to wait for him?..i havent dated anyone, or have gone out anywhere, I stay at home, and spend time with my 2 adult children or see some friends only…I hurt a lot by seeing him leave on Sundays when he visits me..I cry myself to sleep and Iam always depressed…how much is too much of waiting? has anyone have a ‘waiting’ period for an ex to comeback? did he or not?..please advise me on this..Iam all alone on this one..my friends have left me alone on this one..they do not approve of his empty promises to me, while he is still living with the other woman….Thank you..
ALONE@55, I am so sorry to hear of your dilemma. I know what it it like to wait, have only been doing it though for 9 months and I find that hard, plus he is not living with the ow, that I would really struggle with so I commend you for your strength of character. I don’t really have any answers for you I am sorry. My husband comes over nearly every night for a meal and we have been intimate, so that is hard. I don’t know what to tell you, really only you will know when the time is right to move on with your life with out him or to continue to wait it out. I just want to wish you the best of luck in this, so many insightful people on here and it is just great to have a place to come to and feel that what you say is validated. I hope you find what you are looking for
25% hey? I was going to actually ask for some kinds of stats today and you did just that. My husband has been saying for quite some time now that he feels he needs to go away and be by himself to work out his head. Literally, he has said this for the past 7 months or so. He said it again the other day that he thinks he needs to go and be alone, he said he feels he has all this noise going on in his head and body even when there is just silence. He said he feels like he is going to break down and needs to go away and fix himself and if going away does that then it will be a good thing. It is killing him though at the thought of leaving as he will be leavingme and his children. Now we are already separated, not a conventional separtated couple though as he is over for dinner nearly every night and we spend all weekend together. He is still connected deeply to ow and I feel he is more concerned for her well being than for me. He thinks that if he goes away it will causae him to experience real lonliness and he might actually miss me! OW can’t just pack up and follow him as she is a mum of 4 young boys, so I know he will be only going on his own. I worry the phone contact will remain and not break the tie. I asked him if by him leaving it would make the break cleaner for him and easier for him in the end. He said no, he needs to go and fix himself. He said that this will sound weird coming from him as he is in love with OW, that he is not giving up on us. You are right, that does sound weird to me!
Anyway, I guess my question to this is… do I support him and let him go or am I digging my own grave? Do I let him know of my fears or do I keep them to myself?
So confused!
Donna, I am wondering if you have read any of the books I have recommended because I feel they would be helpful with this decision. I will tell you that I wished when Doug asked for some time to figure things out I would have let him go. I have learned that I cannot control his thoughts, feelings. I could not keep him away from the affair. By not letting him go to figure things out on his own only reinforced that he was trapped in his marriage. If you really think about your situation, the way you are acting have not influenced your husband’s behavior at all. He is still doing want he wants to do. You need to develop some confidence in yourself, your relationship and your husband and realize the only person you can control is you. Linda
Thank you for your reply Linda. I have not long ordered the book Tough Love, so I am looking at getting my hands onto that one. Finances are a problem for me as I am on a single mothers pension. I feel that with my husband needing to go is a good thing as much as it tears me up inside. I know he needs to look after himself and I think he needs to do this awayf romthe family. He is feeling the responsibility that any husband and father would have and by being away from that I would think would relieve the pressure from him. So yes, I think he should go, plus maybe he needs to really feel the silence and the lonliness of not having his wife to be just there to lean on and picj up where he needs it.
I know I have no control over his feelings and that he cannot be forced. I do not want to force him as I want him to come to me because that is what he wants.
I struggle that just 1 woman can cause a man to want to think of leaving 5 others.. that is just beyond my comprehension and I don’t think I will ever get it.
I don’t want my husband to feel trapped. I want him to sort himself out, I want him to feel the peace he once had, I want him to feel that he is of worth. I want him to know and feel that he does have a family that love him regardless of the hurt he has caused us. I will set him free and I will do this because I love him.
As I said before, thank you for your input Linda, it does mean alot. ta 🙂
Donna, I know all of this is very hard to understand, especially how one woman can cause a man to give up everything just to be with her. Those thoughts are still very difficult for me to comprehend. I have to tell myself that those thoughts were in the moment, surrounded by the effects of the affair and would eventually become something that wasn’t so perfect and wonderful. The problem with affairs is the person involved will not figure it out until they loose everything that is important to them, that is why they go back and forth because they are too afraid to make a decision. Linda
Ladies, why? A@55. You H is living with a junkie and her family. He may never come back. You need to grow a pair and don’t communicate with. Don’t let him come over . He has the best of both worlds thanks to you. Obviously he feels he needs to “take care” of her. She is weak and self loathing and has passes that trait to children. But you need to work on you and move on and if and when he decides to return then you decide if you want him back. He has been with her almost 2 years, that’s a long time. Your kids are grown and you have no reason to see him. If he see’s that he is losing for good that may give him a jolt. If not then you know he dose not want you. Almost sounds like your the OW now (emotionally). I wish you the best. 55 is only a number. You deserve so much better. Let go.
Thank you, Last2know..and specially Donna who took time to write to me, because those are the words, that i need to hear from my friends, to shake me into ‘reality’, I guess being alone at this situation, is what makes my 35 yrs of knowing this MAN, and those 25 that I live with him, make my memories seem so unforgettable…since i read both of your comments, I have decided, not to contact him at all, and for the past Sunday, I was over my daughter house. I finally broke that “sunday” meeting..and I will continue to do so..Many of my friends blame me for his lack to “choose” because I have always been there for him, even after what he did to me and my family..I guess, someone needs to find out what real value a person has for them, only after they “loose’ that person in every way..Maybe I know have grown some courage to actually let him go..I should of have applied this longtime ago and maybe have save me all of these crying episodes and depression.
I know I have a lot of things in my life i have to heal, like again able to TRUST SOMEBODY..again..right now, I have to stay true to what i know i have to do..Like what LAST2KNOW told me..”grow a pair” and stop all communication with him, so i can start to heal from all of this.”…
Thank You, to both of you, and all of those that share and pour their feelings here on these pages. At my age, I still dont understand why people do these things to people, cause there are ways to be honest so you wont hurt people, I guess, I will never understand people that hurt people like that.
Thank you for giving me a piece of “tough Love”…cause i guess now that is the only kind of LOVE right now that i should be feeling for my ex…
Thank you..from the bottom of broken heart.
NOT ALONE@55
Thanks notalone@55, I have just started the tough love approach and all I wnt to do is get onth phone and call my husbnad. It is just about killing me 🙁 He asked me yesterday afternoon if we were busy in the morning, and I said no. He said he had an eye appointment in town. I tried to call him this morning as the kids want to put the Christmas tree up and have dad their to help. He won’t answer his cell, so I called the eye place to leave a message for my husband to call me back. They told me he didn’t have an appointment today… my first thought, he is with her!!! He may well not be, I just don’t know. DO I ask him if he went to his apointment or doI let him know I tried to call him there and he was not there??
Great post. So spot on.
This is a late post, I know. I have seen references to even lower rates of success of affairs. Now this may include “one-night stands”. I have seen the statistic that 75% of marriages that started as affairs will fail. Dr. Frank Pittmans’s book “Private Lies” includes a chapter as to why these marriages have such a high failure rate.
Responding to two of the older posts…..My husband also found one of his affair partners in AA..he was 58 she was 13 years younger, pretty and a newcomer. He had 3 years under his belt after 40 of using and drinking. I read Doug’s list of feelings, before, during and after the affair….OH….how all those sound so familar with the discussions I had with my husband. She was a amazing in his eyes. They had that common bond of suffering with alcoholism, comforting each other through their troubles….Problem was she was still drinking and gambling and scamming to get money….funny tho..when I do my comparison of myself to her, those major flaws seem to fall into the background and I compare myself to all her “positive” attributes I heard about. I understand what Doug was saying about the feelings during and then the feelings after….but is the special to the affair, or is that how we think about any relationship that ends on a bad note….we look at the relationship more critically. Confused and my brain swirls. Alanon did help somewhat being able to talk to other people about the addiction world….but it’s true that although there are many principles of honesty and truth in AA…..they don’t seem to apply that to their character when hooking up with the newest fresh catch coming in the door.
Ya know, the dumbest thing about people thinking that their cheating can turn into something “real” and lasting is that they started the whole shabang with lies and cheating and being whores…. and they think that THEY are special? Come on people! This is NOT a good relationship, and the fact that these people CHOSE to be with one another despite those FACTS…. Seriously, like that could really EVER work, especially when a real relationship is based on love and trust!! Clearly a cheater doesn’t understand love, and has proven themselves to be a liar that can’t be trusted… It is absolutely ridiculous!!!!
Ok, so here goes, my wife and I were and are madly in love. However, because of my anxieties and her narcissism we began to pull apart. We went to another country about two years ago and met a tour guide and his wife. Little did I know that this guide is scum and only does this job as a way to meet attractive disenchanted wealthy middle aged women. My wife now admits that she had some strange feelings from the tour guide and towards him. Her therapist has told her she is seduced by need and miss judged a fondness for another person with romantic love. He and his wife actually visited us about 18 months ago. After that we maintained a friendship via Skype but I started to realize that this guy was making certain forward statements towards my wife. At some point he contacted her about not being happy in his current marriage. At that point his wife sent mine a letter about how for at least ten years he has been pursuing relationships with other women, most of whom he met through his tour business. In many cases he would fall in love with these women just because they sent him a card or gift. My wife says she sent him a gift because she had mixed feelings. I guess after a while my wife started to complain to him and tell him of some of the issues she had with me. He turned these into major catastrophes and she took the bait. I found out in April of 2013 and stopped it and blocked him from her phone. Little did I know that my wife a professional woman would use her work cell and office phone to continue the relationship. Well it blossomed to the point where they met when I was out of town. He told her that he is not into the flesh and respected that she would not be physical while still married. This is when I caught them again. This guy looks like an ogre yes the ogre from those Mike Myers movies. He even would talk like Pepe La Pu and leave her messages. My wife eventually began to notice that he had serious issues and that he was trying to manipulate her. He even at one point begged her to leave her children! And move to his country. Through a lot of hard work and counseling we began to rebuild. The hardest thing for me is that she was so naive as to not believe anything his wife told her. This man had no respect for marriage vows. He told my wife that even though he was with this woman for 20 years he was never happy and has been trying to find the right person. Everyone told my wife that all the other affair partners had dumped him, but he insisted he dumped them. She was blind to the truth. So blind that after 2 months of no communication, but lots of people including therapists etc telling her he had issues and was abusive in what he was doing, she still needed “closure”. Our therapist had even at one point said, if she and I were to divorce my wife better bring any man she meets for therapy, since the person she was in her affair with was such a basket case. Anyhow, my wife met him again for one day while on a business trip. I caught them and she attacked me. Meow ever after we hung up the phone and he started in with her with all his crap, she realized he was a loon. She called me and begged me to take her back and continue to love her etc. I believe the affair is over, but I always have this bird in my ear telling me she is so messed up that when our kids leave home eventually even If he is 70 years old and his diabetes has disabled him (he eats like a pig) she may still feel he needs her and go to him…is this not completely insane?
Francis, you need to try and forget about this om, concentrate on your marriage, he is so far away, she now sees what he is really like. It took a year for my husband to lose contact with his ow, a long long year I have to admit. Honestly you just go crazy thinking about the om or ow, it drains your own spirit, It is unhealthy. My head was constantly thinking about the ow, and trying to wonder what the hell he saw in her, why she was the way she was, why she thought she could waltz right in and break apart my family. I just didn’t understand it, and now I see I just don’t want to. She is sick and so is the om you are dealing with. My h sees it now and I am thankful for that.
So I keep working in my marriage, working and trying to make it unbreakable, yet I am not about to let my health suffer again, like it did, when I could not stop thinking about this ow. It just was not worth it for me, my marriage or my children.
Good luck and all the best, it does take time, give it time, it isn’t an easy task.
Thanks for those words of wisdom. Even my marriage therapist etc have said that. Last night we made love and afterwards my wife was reading about female hormones etc. At that point she mentioned how her therapist ( a female) said she was drop dead gorgeous. When I asked why she mentioned that my wife thought I was probing. She made a comment ” questions like that push me away. Of course this plus the hormone thing lead me to bring up the OM in a round about way.
So here we make love and boom…I do it again. Oh I only asked my wife about the comment from her therapist because early on my wife’s therapist kept telling her that if she left me and stopped with the OM (therapist warned her about him, but of course she ignored her until she saw him again after a two month hiatus) she could find another man. This made me a little anxious about what her therapist says.
So I am going to print out your comments and look at them every time I get the bug in my ear to bring him up
Thanks
Things have been great. It’s just that occasionally I relapse. The other night she wore a lingerie that she had not worn since the weekend in July before I left for a trip. That Monday she saw her EA. It was the first time they had seen each other in a year and the first time since the long distance affair started in May. We had been out shopping on Saturday and I saw the lingerie. She had told me it was a surprise for me and she was upset. She then wore it that night July 20. I always wondered if she really was buying it for him. When I questioned her in July she used the old, “he says he is not for the Flesh, that is not him”. Well I never thought about it again until she said to me this past evening ” did you like the lingerie” and I said yes you only wore it four times once for me and…she cut me off and said you know there was never sex he is not like thAt. I asked her to never say anything like that about him again since he was totL scum and for all I know she came on to him. She got upset and begged me to not ever think there was anything physical.. I Just don’t get why I can not get this out of my head.
Francis, maybe ask her if she could buy new lingerie, and to get rid of the old ones as this is a time for you both to start fresh. Or better still, take her shopping and pass by the lingerie store together, and let her choose something that you both like, or if you know what she likes, then give it to her as a present, with a beautiful card attached. Letting her know that you love her, and what ever else you would like to write in it that makes her feel specials to you.
It isn’t easy with the triggers, so maybe that is a first step at starting to take control of the triggers that affect you the most.
Keep touching her and showing her why you are together, and each time she will respond to you more and more until this om, doesn’t even enter her thoughts.
Over time the triggers will become less and less, please don’t be too hard on yourself. You have been hurt deeply and the pain is still raw, yet trying to make sense of it all doesn’t work, it can just make you crazy.
Just take each day as it comes, and I promise it does get better. You just have to remember it was not about you. We all have to remember that as bs.
Remember the om/ow in our lives knew what they were doing, they saw someone who was vulnerable and went for it.
Francis, all the cheaters say pretty much the same thing. If they say it’s not about sex, they feel free to act like Mother Teresa, or the Pope or something. If some one is having inappropriate contact with a married person, sneaking and lying, and partipating in causing problems, they are indeed “like that.” And your spouse will usually defend their “honor” to the death because if the other person is like that, so are they.
Thank you Strength Required. Things are a lot better now. I did respond to only one trigger n the past few weeks. My wife said at one point that what was nice in her “friendship” was that they could sit and not talk for hours. They had sat on a park bench and just watched the passers by. So I responded a few hours later by saying, well let’s see, you really don’t know him, live with him or face any of life’s obstacles. You spoke for about 60 hours by telephone, texted about 200 times and then sat talking with him for a half a day on that Monday and another six hours the day you then went to the park. You did not talk any at the park because you ran out of things to talk about. Plus he never shuts up when he does talk. She kind of laughed and said that was true as a matter of fact when she met him in November for closure, he did all the talking and she claims she pretty much wanted to get away from him. I guess the hard part is being able to trust what she actually claims she told him when she ended it. You see she told me similar words when she stopped communicating with him a few months before, but supposedly they made these plans to meet when she was on a business trip to the same location as he was. Back then she said ” we have to stop all this talking and texting, it’s interfering with my family and my job, but I will see you in xxxx “. This time she said she sat hi down and said , listen your a great guy, but this thing can’t work, I love my husband and I can’t break up my family, we can only be friends nothing more”. She claims that the got so adamant and start attacking me verbally that when she left she decided to never contact him again.
In terms f what gizfield says, I think my spouse realized that this guy just can’t seem to get it together and has a lot of issues. As a matter of fact her therapist told her that she was seduced by need and probably was more attracted to him as a needy child and not a love partner!
Alone@55, I was in your shoes. In my early 50s with 2 teenagers and my husband just turned 50 and had his EA for about 8 months. He ended it once and then went back. He ended our marriage twice (both times begged forgiveness a few hours later). When I found about the second EA with the same OW, I asked him to leave. Told him I will no longer do this.
He has since made a complete change and is doing everything to correct this. He realizes the HUGE mistake he made.
However when I first learned of the EA and worked hard to turn our marriage around and address his unhappiness, he did NOTHING. I never saw this selfish side of him. He refused therapy, counseling, talking about what was bothering him, any suggestions I made. I went to therapy and he did not.
When they stop seeing you “being there” for them, sometimes that is the wake up call that is needed.
For some of these idiots, you always want what you can’t have. Maybe this is it for him.
I told my husband if he wants me to say, sign a post-nup agreement giving up any rights to ANY $ in my name in case of divorce. He did sign it and I think he was shocked by what I was able to save in a short period of time.
The balance of power in our relationship is restored b/c I played hardball.
I still am reduced to tears but it feels like he is finally doing everything he should. Making amends, putting me first, being honest and open, etc. And he was doing this before he found out about any $ so I know it is real.
These women who are OW are idiots. Our issue is his OW will not give up. She is mean and vindictive and no telling what she will do next. She “reaches out” in the guisebof “I am looking for closure”. Then when he does not answer her or respond she gets nasty. Just wondering how long this cycle will continue.
So my saga continues. I am completely hearbroken. I really really thought her EA was over, she told me that the last time they met it was for closure! What a lie. This week i noticed she was not at her normal parking spot at work, but her secretary said she saw her but then she left. Eventually confronted her and we had a small argument and she said, if you dont stop spying we are done. I just knew she was hiding something. So I put our extra iPhone in her car and used check my iPhone. I figured out she was going to a Days Inn a few miles from where she worked, across from where she was having a training on Thursday and Friday. Then she left and went to work but then went back. The mistake I made was that I left her a Voicemail and said “I know where you are, what are you doing!? Are you having Sex, I need to know we need to talk.” Now I realize how dumb this was because she ended up sending me this text: Francis – Things got over the top today! I need some time to think things through. Don’t go crazy tonight! Give me some space so I can think. Our Son will most likely be off tomorrow(Snow storm) so you won’t need to worry about school. I’ll touch base with you when I’m ready.
She did not come home last night, but she has nothing with her but the clothes she wore to work. All of her makeup etc is still here. I just dont know what the first line means. did she have sex, did she sllep in his bed..What is going on. this was just an EA, with a guy who has done this over and over. He is a Tour guide we met in Israel. I am disgusted that I brought my family on a trip and this is my reward.
Do you really think this is going to end…I am so afraid she is going to leave to be with him..
My wife has asked for a divorce. she admits she was hanging around just until my 16 year old graduated High School. However she says that things came to a head with my actions. Well what was I supposed to do, her EA was back and they were together. I had a choice to ignore it and hope that by ignoring it and being a great husband and friend she would tire of him. I have come to realize that until she actually moved out and maybe even goes to his country with him I can not truly hope to win her back. She says she does not plan on leaving the country for now even just for a week. We really cant afford the ticket. Her EA would have to pay. I am so sick right now and miss her so much.
She said she finally decided to make the move now because it was prolonging the inevitable. I am just trying to figure out when she made plans to have him come back. It had to be at least 2-3 weeks ago. Right after a family vacation that was terrific and amazing.