So what happens when your husband marries the other woman?
By Sarah P.
There are several influences that could lead to a man leaving his wife and marrying the other woman. As you know, these people are less than 10% of the men out there, and when they do leave their marriage has a 70% chance of failure over the long-term.
Who are these other women that they marry? Personally, I have observed that they come from one of two groups:
- Co-workers
- Former lovers.
For example, it is quite common for someone going through a mid-life crisis to look up an ex-flame online just to ‘see what they are up to.’ Often, the wife never hears about this action because her husband’s curiosity doesn’t cause him to have “brain damage.” His curiosity is satisfied after doing some online sleuthing and he never contacts the former flame.
Or, perhaps he does contact the former flame but both he and the former flame can clearly see there is no longer a “flame.” End of story.
But, in some cases, curiosity leads to “brain damage” and the man leaves his wife for the former flame. The reason I call it brain damage is because the guy has to alter his thinking to such extremes that he is behaving as if he is brain damaged. After all, why would anyone in their right mind destroy all of the years they have built? The answer is, they are not in their right mind.
So, what of these people?
A man has to have a flawed mindset to be open to this sort of thing.
I know a couple of men who believe that their “real soulmate” was a former girlfriend. They are not completely emotionally engaged in their marriages because they are always thinking they would have had a better experience with “the one who got away.” Sometimes the wife knows about it and other times the wife does not.
The One That Got Away
I had a bad experience with being “the one who got away.” In my mind, when I broke up with that person years ago, I was 100% done and I never regretted the break up. But, apparently he was not 100% done and talked to his wife about me constantly.
One day he emailed me sharing his heart, telling me he was married and had 4 children, but that he also missed me. I did not answer.
Then he emailed me again. I did not answer.
Then, he sent me even more intense emails saying he wished we had married and had kids together. I did not answer.
Finally, he somehow found my parent’s email for their business. He emailed my dad, gave him a sob story, and asked why I was not answering. My dad felt sorry for him for whatever reason and told him he would make sure that I emailed.
Well, I carefully crafted a response telling him clearly that both he and I had moved on and that I was also happily married with children. I asked him to please focus on his family since he had a lovely wife and lovely children. I let him know in no uncertain terms that it was over and it would always be over between us. I told him I had zero interest in engaging with him in any way. Then, I asked him to stop emailing.
Little did I know at the time that he wanted any kind of relationship with me, even if it was about me rejecting him. (Please don’t blame me because there was a lot I had not learned at that time.) So, he started emailing again. Once again, I did not answer.
Ten more emails arrived, pleading with me, and I did not answer. Then, one day I got an email from what I figured out was his wife with the subject line: please don’t have an affair with my husband. Say what?!!
These people were from Europe and lived in Europe and spoke a different language. He spoke English and she did not. I spoke their language as well. She wrote me in her native tongue and was absolutely distraught. She told me her side of it, which was that he started talking about me soon after they were dating. She chose to marry him because she loved him and he was her first serious boyfriend. She felt like he was going to wear me down and draw me into an affair.
I wrote her back in and tried to explain in her native language that I was happily married, that I would not answer her husband, and I would never engage in an affair. The emails kept coming from him, but I never opened them.
Soon after that, I literally stopped using that email account and gave my new email address to everyone I knew. Since then, he has contacted my dad again and I have set my dad straight. I have told him that he is to ignore this guy’s emails and to never give any personal information about me.
Too Intense
I think this guy is in the minority in terms of his level of obsession. In fact, his unhealthy obsession with me caused me to break up with him in the first place. He was too intense, extremely jealous, and too controlling. Even though I was in college, I knew enough to realize this kind of thing was trouble and so I broke up and cut all contact.
It also helped that he was a European and couldn’t simply just drive over to my house. These were also the days before widespread Internet access and so he couldn’t bomb me with a bunch of pleading emails either.
I was so relieved when I broke up with him and nothing could have convinced me to go back with him. Yet, he was still trying and torturing his wife with this.
I believe that he is deeply troubled and would have done this with another girlfriend if it hadn’t been me. It’s too bad that his wife chooses to put up with it instead of realizing he has a problem and then choosing to leave him.
But this phenomenon also exists in ways that are mutual. This is when it becomes a threat to a marriage.
When some people hit a snag in their lives, they immediately look outward. Then they think of the road not taken and the old flame that they never quite forgot. Not everyone does this, but people who believe happiness comes from external events are prone to falling into this trap.
Sometimes both ex-flames have the same personality flaw and the attraction is mutual. If this occurs, and both people believe they cannot be happy unless they are together, then people are going to get hurt.
I think this is one of the situations where a man might marry his mistress. Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles are an example of an old-flame rekindled. (Or maybe their flame never died…) Mackenzie Parker of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette muses,
“You can be the other woman and still get your man. Heck, you can be 50-something, frumpy, have bad teeth and still get your man. All the psychologists and advice columnists were wrong — sometimes married men DO leave their wives for their mistresses, and sometimes they even live happily ever after, thereby disproving your mother’s warning that “just because he cheated on her doesn’t mean he won’t cheat on you.” Wait a minute — scratch that last paragraph, says Gilda Carle, a New York therapist and author of “Don’t Bet on the Prince! How to Have the Man You Want By Betting on Yourself.” For those mistresses out there who see themselves validated by Camilla Parker-Bowles, for those who believe that patience and persistence will get them to the altar in the end, a distressed-sounding Carle had the answer in three words:
“No, no, no!”
“Charles and Camilla are an anomaly. This almost never happens,” she went on. “This is not your typical mistress-married man relationship. Charles knew Camilla well before he met Diana, Camilla married someone else before he did, and she even encouraged him to marry her for the sake of having heirs. It’s a totally different situation than for most men, who are perfectly happy the way things are. They have their families, and they have their mistresses. I should have a dollar for every time I’ve heard one of my clients say, ‘Oh, he’s going to leave his wife.’ ” (1)
Therapist Gilda Carle knows from experience and I bet that if she got her dollar, she would be one mightily wealthy therapist. So, most men say they will leave and even pledge their undying love, but it is a rare situation when it actually works out that way.
When Your Husband Marries the Other Woman
Still, some men are stupid enough to leave their wives and some other women are even stupider to become the new wife. There is a dark side when a man leaves his wife and marries his mistress—and this dark side is that there is an unusually high chance that he will cheat on this mistress.
Here is a comment straight from “the horses mouth” that tells you exactly how it turns out when a mistress is stupid enough to marry a wayward spouse. This comment is from “OtherFoot” and was found on the Good Therapy website:
“I was the “other woman” in my current husband’s life. To all the women who have been cheated on, let me tell you: karma is a b*tch. They will get what they deserve and you don’t have to do anything—it happens. I want to trust my husband but can’t. The things we did to get away with cheating are the same things that haunt me now. I can’t shake the feeling that he is now cheating on me. I see things that look familiar to those things we used to do while cheating. I love him but can’t trust him, which causes a lot of conflict in our marriage. I am in constant fear/suspicion every day. How can I even put it aside and move forward? It’s been six years! I want to be able to trust but cannot. —Other Foot.” (2)
Yeah, well, all I can say is that nothing good can ever come from an evil act. If you want a marriage to have a chance at a happy ending, you cannot acquire a marriage on a foundation made of lies, deception, selfishness, and devastation of others.
I am not saying that beginning a marriage the right way always guarantees a happy ending, but I am saying that you can never have a happy ending if you steal someone’s husband.
I don’t understand why some women are so stupid that they marry someone willing to cheat on his wife and believe that they are so “special” that he won’t cheat on them. No indeed, they are not special at all and when the man gets tired of them, he will be off to ever greener pastures.
Then there are the women who were cheated on and left for a mistress who go out and find a married man for themselves. Here is a comment from ListeningLoud on the Truth About Deception website. I think the comment speaks for itself:
“Five years ago my husband of 10 years left me for his mistress. They are now married with a baby. It was devastating. I then many years later, decided to lightly date a married man from Ashley-Madison. He seemed to respect his wife but reported that they were living separate lives. He fell in love with me and on his own wanted to leave. He tried thinking she would let him go. She fought hard for him and I think there were threats about the children. So 6 weeks ago he told me he was trying at the marriage. I have not spoken to him since. He confessed me to her. She called irate. I offered to talk to her but she never called back. I have not talked to him since. Apparently they are trying and well they should. I wish my husband had tried. But it was doomed because he was in love. So any insights on this? I always believed my guy (the married one) had to really try to see if there was anything there to salvage. It was and is the only way if we are to ever be together. To blow up his marriage and declare he loved me wasn’t going to work. But now he is gone. I do wonder if he will reach out to me to talk to me. She is of course watching everything he does. He did confess he loved me. I wonder how she would absorb that. I didn’t, when I learned my husband loved his mistress, I said “go”.
I am hoping once she isn’t watching him that he reaches out so I can just understand. And if they try and it doesn’t work, really doesn’t work, then and only then could we be okay. Otherwise we would just be whip sawed behind her anger at his betrayal. No I am not worried he would do the same to me. I just don’t think so. I know my ex doesn’t cheat on his wife. And I know all men are different.” (3)
There is something interesting about this comment in that I believe the outcome of this situation came down to whether or not the wife was willing to fight for her husband.
This woman admitted that in her case she asked her husband to leave and obviously did not look back. The man that she was cheating with had a wife who was obviously willing to fight for their marriage and the man was willing to repair his marriage.
I believe that one of the things that makes a man stay or leave is how his wife handles the situation. We know that almost all men want to stay in their marriage in the long-run. If a wife is willing to fight and stick with it through the affair fog, there is a good chance she will win.
If a woman tells a man to leave and never come back, the mistress now has an opening where she can influence him to stay with her. She can say that his wife never loved him and that their marriage was never meant to be. She can show him how much “she” allegedly loves him. The mistress has the upper hand.
But, of course, there are other things that contribute to a man staying or leaving. We can never make someone do something they don’t want to do. We can lead a horse to water, but we cannot make that horse drink. The only thing we can do is influence an outcome and do our part, but it is still up to the other person involved in a situation to make their decision. So, in the end, a small percentage of men will choose to leave even if a wife does her part in fighting.
When It’s a Co-Worker
I think the second major threat in terms of situations where a man might leave his wife is when a spouse meets a co-worker with whom they think they click. Often they can start to believe they cannot be happy unless they marry the co-worker.
Co-workers are always a danger to marriages because we spend, on average, more time at work than we do at home. Co-workers understand all of our work-related troubles and so often we naturally confide in them about work troubles.
In fact, seemingly “good people” can get caught in this trap. If a good person starts to have trouble at work and a co-worker of the opposite sex makes them feel understood, then the problem starts. They can form a deep, emotional intimacy (although a false one) and begin to believe that the co-worker understands them better than their spouse. Being understood is a powerful thing and something we cannot underestimate.
Now, of course, it always takes two to tango and if the co-worker is able to see the situation for what it is, she may not reciprocate. Unfortunately, co-workers exist who even target married men because they get a power trip off of the situation.
There are narcissists and sociopaths in this world and for both or those types, they prefer power to love. Yes, you read that right: both narcissists and sociopaths prefer power to love. Power gives them a high whereas they see “love” as a weakness.
So, here is a thought: Less than 10% of men leave their wives for their mistresses. It is estimated that 70% of those relationships break up way before they get married. So, that leaves about only 3% of all wayward spouses who leave their wives for their mistresses. When this happens, I immediately think of that wayward spouse as someone who has a personality disorder.
It is estimated that 4% of the male population has narcissistic personality disorder. So, I would think that narcissists would be the most likely candidates to marry the other woman. Narcissists lack both empathy and insight into their own behavior.
In their minds, the fact that they cheated is their wife’s fault. In their minds, their happiness is the most important thing and they cannot even empathize with the feelings or needs of another.
I would think that a woman who was willing to marry a wayward spouse also has issues of her own. She would have to be a very broken person to carry it through and it would imply she also lacks empathy. She too could be a narcissist or have Borderline Personality Disorder.
People with Borderline Personality Disorder are very emotionally volatile and also lack empathy. If those types pair up, good riddance because there are two more out there who won’t be wreaking havoc in the general population (that is until one or both get bored….).
I have yet to see a situation where a man marries his mistress and both people are normal. In fact, I have yet to see a situation where either the man or the former mistress are normal.
A Case Study…
Let’s look at the example of my friend. Some of you may have read about her before. Her story is not confidential in that the whole town knows, but it is still not my place to provide any identifying details.
I am using her story as a case study to show how it turns out when a man marries his mistress. This story also sheds light on the type of man who would marry his mistress and the type of mistress who would marry a cheater.
My friend’s ex-husband and the other woman both have personalities that I believe qualify them both for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Often, NPD people also have overlapping BPD traits and I believe this is the case for both of them.
But, the problem was, when both betrayed spouses figured out there was a real problem, the two wayward spouses had already caused irreparable harm.
I will call the wayward spouses Nikki and Scott. Nikki and Scott met when they were both doing real estate as a side business. Both were married to others and had been married a long time. Their affair began early and they took careful measures not to be discovered.
Soon, Nikki was divorcing her husband and getting a lot of money in the settlement. Soon, Nikki and Scott decided to patent a product that had to do with removing the odor of animal feces.
I think that this is pretty hilarious because on a subconscious level both were trying so hard to get rid of the smell of the shit that they were doing behind closed doors.
My friend, Bella, thought everything was fine. Bella is a hardworking, talented, Christian woman who runs a very successful business. Little did she know that Scott was spending her inheritance from her parents since he controlled the financial accounts.
The day that Bella found out about the affair was around the same time she found out he had lost all of the money from her inheritance. OUCH. She went to her male Minister and he counseled them.
Scott was not remorseful and refused to leave Nikki. Of course, Nikki too refused to be left. She was ready to fight long and hard to win the battle for Scott’s affection.
The Minister kept telling my friend Bella that a Christian wife is patient and never gets divorced in this situation. When she told me this, I physically fell off my chair. I told her the Minister was enabling her husband’s behavior while she was expected to wait around and show understanding. I told her that there is a provision for divorce if the other spouse prefers to keep breaking a commandment. So, she filed for divorce after he refused to work it out.
He immediately moved Nikki into Bella’s very expensive home and told Bella to get out. He was so belligerent toward Bella that she had no more energy to fight.
Bella’s kids were young adults and Bella was shielding them from the real reason for the divorce. This was because Scott had threatened her into not telling them. But, Scott brought Nikki to the next family gathering and he introduced her as his fiancé.
His kids asked him how he had replaced their mom so quickly. Well, Nikki pretty much told his kids that they had been in love for a long time and that they would adjust. That did not go over well with the adult children and soon after they locked their father and the other woman out of their lives.
He doesn’t have access to his grandchildren or get to celebrate the birth of a new grandchild. The expensive house has been sold and now he and Nikki have no one to mooch off of any longer. Scott exhausted all the funds in the divorce and Nikki ran through her settlement.
Meanwhile, my friend still runs a very successful business. It is only a matter of time until these two moochers start to jump at each other’s throats because neither knows how to hold down a real job.
If these two were in their mid-20’s, I would assume they could one day grow up. But, this will never happen since both are well into their 6th decade. I don’t see their relationship lasting very long.
Meanwhile, Bella has seen a good therapist and the therapist has been able to show her that her ex-husband was always a user and a narcissist. Unfortunately, Bella was raised to be very naïve and to believe everyone was good. Her Christian faith made her even more trusting of everyone.
This story will eventually have a happy ending for Bella, but not for Nikki or Scott. It’s only a matter of time before one narcissist screws over the other narcissist.
What To Do?
So, what do you do when your husband marries the other woman? I would say you get as far away emotionally and physically as possible. I would also say that you set the record straight with any ‘inquiring minds’ about what happened.
If a husband is willing to do that, he is also willing to make you out to be the wicked witch with whoever will listen. He will take any opportunity to frame you as the evil witch, himself as the victim, and the mistress as the hero.
Make sure that your children, close friends, and those in your social group know the truth. Do not make life comfortable for him in any way. File a restraining order against both of them if they dare to bother you. If they slander you around town, have an attorney send them a cease and desist letter.
When a man is capable of doing this, he has shown himself to be an enemy, but the other woman is an even bigger enemy. She knowingly did what it took to break up a marriage and family. That is one cold and calculating woman.
Sometimes these women will try to soften it and say that they were in love and couldn’t help themselves. That is the biggest lie of them all. Falling ‘in love’ does not excuse abominable behavior. But, moreover, real love does not come from a place of harm.
When another woman tells herself such stories, she is doing everything to let herself off the hook and once again to frame the wife as the bad guy (or girl) in the situation. Being ‘in love’ never trumps harming another.
One’s selfish needs are never an excuse for perpetrating actions that harm families for generations. One is judged solely on the way he or she lives her life and not on her motives. Yet, too many make excuses by trying to re-write their motives as honorable.
No matter which way you cut it, breaking up families can never be honorable. All of our actions are like ripples in a pond and we must take into account whom we harm or whom we bless.
How does this story usually end?
Very badly.
My mom recommended that I tell the story of my great-aunt on my mom’s side. I will call my great aunt Marilyn and her married lover Frank.
Frank had an open marriage and his wife was even more promiscuous than he was. Frank was a handsome, charming man in his early 30’s when he set his eyes on Marilyn, who was not even out of her teens at the time. Marilyn and her older sister, my grandmother, were from an extremely poor family and had been forced to leave a violent home, due to their alcoholic father, when my grandmother was 16 years old and Marilyn was just 13 years old.
They both moved to a new area together, far from family, and they worked odd jobs, supporting themselves and looking out for each other. My grandmother found my grandfather, a very decent man who had just come home from World War 2. They were married soon after they met.
That left Marilyn on her own. Though my grandparents lived down the street, with a new baby on the way, they could not keep their eyes on Marilyn all the time. Before Marilyn was barely out of her teens, Frank found her. He seduced her and was the first boyfriend she ever had. She remained his mistress for 40 years until his wife died.
During those years, she gave up her dream to be a wife and to have children. She spent most major holidays in tears because she had to spend them with relatives instead of with Frank.
During her younger years, Marilyn had been a beautiful blond and many men wanted to court her. But, she was so fooled by Frank that she shunned all advances, believing Frank would one day make good on his promise to marry her. Frank and his wife continued their open marriage for many years.
In the end, Frank did marry Marilyn after his own wife died. Since he was much older than Marilyn, his health was failing and so Marilyn got the “wonderful opportunity” to take care of him for the rest of his life. He had no children and no family and all of his other mistresses abandoned him. When he died, Marilyn had nothing to show for her barren life.
Marilyn eventually converted to being a Jehovah’s Witness. Several years later, she was diagnosed with dementia. Marilyn lives alone, just down the street from my grandma and grandpa. My grandma takes care of her daily and Marilyn has frequent visits to the hospital because of her failing health. Marilyn is a very sad, old woman with no friends and no cherished memories. It is an incredibly unfortunate situation.
No one in my family blames Marilyn even though she was the other woman. The reason we don’t blame her is because of circumstances differed from most affairs. Frank and his wife had a completely open marriage and his wife knew about Marilyn and did not care. Frank’s wife was too busy with her own lovers.
Her story illustrates that is never ends well. The only reason Frank married Marilyn in the end is because no one else would take care of him. She was his last choice, even though Frank was the only man Marilyn had ever been with. Her life has been completely wasted and before she developed dementia, she was a very bitter and distraught woman. She is not the typical other woman.
It could be argued that it doesn’t really matter since Marilyn was still a mistress and in theory she should have known better. But, I really believe this is one of the rare cases where she was not the typical other woman since both Frank and his wife has agreed to an open marriage.
She got pulled into his web as a young, impressionable girl when no one was there to advise her. She was the perfect victim of a predatory old man. It was and is a very unfortunate situation and in the end, she will die alone.
In Conclusion
Given enough time, when couples get together based on infidelity, it does not last. In the thick of the affair, a man may leave his wife temporarily, but if a wife stays with it, he will usually return.
Even if a man divorces his wife, there is a very low chance that a man will marry his mistress. When he does, it is doomed to fail in one way or another. Even if they happen to be one of the rare couples who spends their lives together, their marriage will be fraught with distrust, suspicion, fear, and loathing.
Friends and family members will abandon them. Adult children will despise them. The former mistress will be forever doomed to look at her husband and realize that she has married a cheater. She will know it will only be a matter of time before he cheats on her too.
On the other hand, he will also know that she is damaged goods. He will know deep down that a woman capable of this is not a woman of value and not even marriage material. Then, he will have to deal with the fact that she will by default make the rest of his life miserable.
He will no longer share in the major milestones of his children’s lives—they will disown him. He will never have a chance of repairing his marriage with his former spouse. He did something that can never be repaired.
If his new wife/former mistress dies before he does, then he too will die alone. On his deathbed, the pain of regret will be unbearable and probably worse than dying a physical death.
What begins poorly ends poorly and the fellow that leaves his wife for his mistress creates his own type of personal hell – something more severe than even the Devil himself could design.
For the wives who are “left behind,” take the opportunity to find a man of value. It may hurt for a long time, but realize that a man capable of such actions was not worth keeping. He is a pig and found a co-pig in the other woman. Hold your head high, find your new Prince, and allow them to wallow in the mud together.
Try to shield your children from the utter destruction as long as you can, but realize that your ex-husband must take ownership for what he has caused. You did not cause it, you did not create it, and in the end you cannot change him.
There is no better teacher than knowledge and experience when trying to recover from infidelity.
Get 23 audios (plus transcripts) with over 18 hours of digging deep into the vaults of knowledge and experience of a couple that has survived infidelity and also of a Marriage and Family Therapist with over 25 years of experience counseling couples in crisis - plus more...
Sources:
Carpenter, MacKenzie. When married men wed mistresses, results are mixed at best, author says. February 19th, 2005. From http://www.post-gazette.com/life/lifestyle/2005/02/19/When-married-men-wed-mistresses-results-are-mixed-at-best-author-says/stories/200502190186
Good Therapy. I Was Once My Husband’s Mistress. Now I Can’t Trust Him! From http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/i-was-once-my-husbands-mistress-now-i-cant-trust-him
Truth About Deception . I Lost My Husband To His Mistress. July, 2010. From https://board.truthaboutdeception.com/community-features/message-board/5-infidelity-and-cheating/30280-i-lost-my-husband-to-his-mistress.html
57 replies to "When Your Husband Marries the Other Woman – What Happens?"
My cousin married her HS boyfriend. After about 7 years of marriage she gets a phone call from the OW. Long story short there was a history of OW. One had a child by her H b/c they were partners in law enforcement for years.
My cousin divorced him. She moved on. The exH (she later finds out) is engaged to a different OW whole they were married. The phone call OW spilled the beans to my cousin b/c she was dumped by her AP my cousins CH.
Fast forward he married the young & dumb OW he was engaged to. They have children. One day my cousin gets a call from the current young & dumb wife. The current wife is in tears saying I think he is cheating. He never got over you. He still calls me your name (my cousins name). What should I do?
My cousin says I can’t help you. Don’t call me again. Figure it out.
The moral of the story is a leopard never changes its spots. That guy was a serial cheater. Luckily my cousin did not have children with him.
PSS the entire law enforcement community knew. Their entire neighborhood knew as he would bring the GF to their house while my cousin was at work. Everyone knew but the wife. Sometimes he brought his wife to social events and sometimes one of his OW.
The point is he always went back to his 1st wife b/c she dumped him and got out. His male ego could not stand it. He was shunned by her entire family. He never got over that.
Didn’t turn out well for him OR the broken and destroyed families he left in his wake. Wonder if he ever supported his kids or spent time with them. Probably not.
I honestly cannot understand why a CS or OW would marry each other: surely the mistrust and insecurity of Karma (…and “what goes around, comes around”, as JT once sung), will be enough to send warning signs to them – I think it’s more the OW or OM (that were not married in the first place that feel the ‘suspicion’, ‘fear’ and ‘insecurity’ the most, rather than the CS.
I’ve seen that quote from OtherFoot on ‘GoodTherapy’ before and it is understandable for a woman who started their relationship/marriage as the other woman/mistress. They’d be thinking (especially in bad times during their relationship), “if he can do it to her, he can do it to me”… then they start to nag and question their every move, the CS will be thinking: “Was all this really worth it, all she does is not turst me, and annoys me all of the time”.
I was reading an 2006 article on the DailyMail website; called “Can a mistress ever be a successful wife?” It tells the story of a 45-year old mistress called Marium and a cheater called David… They divorced their previous spouses and married less than two months later. Their marriage (if you can call it that) only lasted 18 months; before Marium filed for divorce because she couldn’t trust him – She was convinced that he was cheating on her as he had a job where he had to travel the world and at times was uncontactable:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-392312/Can-mistress-successful-wife.html
…and then there’s the story of Anneka Rice (who his a famous TV presenter here in the UK). Her husband, TV producer Tom Gutterage had an affair with a mistress called Rosetta Bain (which is ironic since she acquired him via an affair). The pair married right away. Then three years later Tom dump Rosetta for an American woman 10 years younger: and Rosetta issued a open letter apology to Anneka:
https://www.highbeam.com/doc/1G1-142017755.html
Have no idea what has become of Tom and the woman 10 years though…
On the subject of NDP (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) –
As I’ve said before, I do believe my dad to suffer from it. He always has to be the centre of attention, and when you criticize him (even in humorous way) he becomes very moody, as if he can’t even take a joke. When he went he showed no guilt or remorse at all… saying “hat about me, my feelings”. Looking back on things now I can see that he really controlled me, my mother and brother. My my mum fall out with friends early in their marriage, insulted me and my brother’s friends – even went as far as to call my brother fat (when he is thin as a stick). He even tried to convince me and my mum that my brother was on drugs at one times; when he was probably taking them himself, (the OW’s family are imfamous in the area for taking drugs). He is being neglective of us (haven’t seen or spoken to him in six months now)… Is this normal?! He gets really agressive on the phone when speaking to us all: Surely the OW must be thinking: “If he can speak so vile of them, will he speak vile of me if things go wrong?” Which I were to meet her (which I haven’t; and don’t want to), I would assure her he will, and has: calling her “dirty”, “unclean”, “that her kid is loser scumbag”, “her daughters are dogs”… But when I emailed he to tell her she chooses not to believe it; as I’ve said she’s think of him as her bank account and key to owning her own house.
In terms of him marrying her… I don’t think he will TBH. He’s 54 at the moment, and I don’t think him marrying her is on his cards… and if they do I think he’ll be just as miserable as he was before… He is currently living in her tiny house (which is really OURS) with three kids + her daughter’s boyfriend… their son has to sleep on the sofa. As I’ve said in posts before, she is apparently paranoid and insecure to the point that she checks and controls his mobile phone for texts and messages from other women… #KARMA! Good Luck with that relationship OW!
I have a suspicion that he will have another affair and trade her in for a better woman who comes from a higher class background, due to the awful and disrespectful things he’s not just vented to us, but to all of his friends.
Even his friend who (comes from a similar lower class background), who dated the OW sister, who we think cheated on her own sister with him; said that he left her after five years because she was a dirty cow, who didn’t clean and he couldn’t take it anymore: He even said to me that ‘THE SISTERS’: “were dragged up, not brought up”… and he is an addict himself!
Sam. We were never sure if my cousin’s CH second young & dumb wife knew what was really going on. He met her fsmuly and asked her parents for permission to marry her WHILE he was still married to my cousin (and before the you know what hit the fan).
She may not have known he was still married. He was that much of a liar. Honestly if he had not dumped a different OW (another OW plus young & dumb OW plus his partner in law enforcement who had a baby with him) who called my cousin and told her what was going on, my cousin would have still been in the dark.
So this guy turned out to be the lowest of low. He had multiple OW and at least one child by an OW and it was all covered up by his changing work schedule. He was always working OT or had an arrest or prisoner or some stupid story to cover his tracks.
My cousin had a great divorce attorney and she screwed him royally. The lawyers had so much dirt on him that he could have lost his job. He violated a bunch of policies by having a baby with his partner.
Total loser.
God, he sounds the worst of the worst… makes my father look like a saint in comparison!
Is it normal for a CS to dump the wife and kids and for them [the kids], to be abandoned by the cheater and have no contact with the parent?
I haven’t heard anything from him for six months: have no idea if he’s dead or alive.
Sam. I feel bad for you and family.
Your Dad has multiple issues which are all contributing to his extremely bad choices.
Substance abuse and/or addiction
Personality issues
The OW and her family
He is in the middle of a storm he cannot get out of at this time. Unless he starts helping himself then he will continue down this self destructive path.
He is not making his decisions on love or family bit appears he is abandoning you but in actuality he is trying to escape his guilt and shame. Seeing your family makes him FACE his past and what he has done. Since he is a coward he will run from that and get as far away as he can including numbing his pain with WHATEVER it takes.
He is not the person you once knew. How sad. So many people would love to have a family that would take them back &/or still love them after all this. Sorry you are faced with this.
At least you are a good person.
The children suffer.
The former wife suffers.
The extended families suffer.
As many of you know, Linda’s brother married his affair partner. Obviously, this crushed his children, his ex-wife and much of the extended family.
It’s been about 3 years, I think, and on the surface they seem to be doing great. But we all wonder how long this will last. It’s obvious that she does not trust him as she will not let him come to town and go out with one of his buddies by himself. She always has to tag along. She also travels with him regularly when he goes out of town for work. We suspect that is a trust issue as well.
What’s more important is that his 3 children no longer contact him or want to hang out with him. They do, but he is the one who makes the effort – and his wife is never involved. Our niece recently had a baby and she refused to let his wife near the hospital room. In fact, she (the wife) just stayed home – 800 miles away. Our nephew refuses to have any contact whatsoever with either of them. The only niece that is proactive in reaching out to him does so because she is struggling financially right now and regularly hits him up for cash. Otherwise, they never see each other.
His ex-wife was an alcoholic and a smoker, who didn’t work – all things that were apparent issues with Linda’s brother. His new wife is an alcoholic who smokes and doesn’t work. Imagine that! She’s just a younger, prettier version of his ex-wife.
Linda’s brother has lost relationships with close friends and relatives and I think he regrets it, though he won’t admit it. It’s them against the world. They are selfish and self-absorbed. He regularly posts pictures and updates to his Facebook and it’s always just a picture of the two of them in some restaurant or bar. There is never any friends or family at all in the photos. In fact, one of the pictures he posted was actually a group photo taken at our house on Easter of our entire family; boyfriends, sisters, husbands, etc – about 30 people – and the photo he posted on Facebook had everyone but the two of them cut out of it – even his 85 year old parents didn’t make the cut!
It regularly pisses Linda off and she pretty much refuses to deal with him any longer. We’re cordial, but that’s about it. Thankfully, they don’t live around us so we don’t have to see them very often. I could go on and on about everything as there is so much more, but I’ll spare you guys for now. Needless to say, it’s a mess and it’s made a mess of an otherwise normal, close family.
Doug, When I was reading this weekly post I thought of your family situation. It is a mess.
So everyone suffers to some extent. How sad. Children are denied relationships with grandparents and extended family members are impacted. How unfortunate that selfish people have no clue.
It sounds like the first marriage was challenging. But he appears to have jumped tight into the same situation/marriage.
I wonder how that is working for him. You would think he would run far away from someone so similar to his 1st wife.
Maybe he likes being controlled. She sounds smothering.
Does she have children? I wonder how that is working – is he in a step father type role?
How sad that adults can just perpetuate the cycle like that. I wonder what he tells himself as to why his adult children don’t want anything to do with him. Or what his current wife tells him to ease his guilty conscience on that topic.
Sad all around.
TFW, Yes you would think he would run far away from such a situation as it is really similar in many ways to his previous marriage. I guess the adage that you carry your baggage wherever you go applies here. I don’t know if he likes to be controlled because he is a high-level executive with hundreds of people under him, so his visible personality wouldn’t seem to indicate that. I think it might be more that he likes a nice, younger, prettier piece of arm candy with him wherever he goes.
She has no children due to some medical condition supposedly, so no, he is not a step father. He takes damn good care of her mother though – much more so than his own mother and father – a co-signed on an apartment lease for her brother. Another sore subject with Linda…Her parents are a handful as they are in their 80’s and are struggling with dementia (her dad is) as well as physical and health limitations. So Linda and I are over at their house all the time (Linda twice as much as me) helping out; cleaning their house, cutting the grass, landscaping, taking them to doctor appointments, etc, while her brother and his wife (who live about 2 hours away) spend all their free time out partying and vacationing and visit just a handful of times each year. They just are really self-centered. The whole situation just really sucks and it has really broken apart the closeness that Linda’s family and extended family had prior to this happening.
Hey Doug,
I have a question. Is this woman really attractive? I am trying to figure out what power she has over him. Even if he is an executive, she is in the driver’s seat. I have read that some really powerful men like to be dominated. Or the other thing I think of is his mom. Was his mom controlling?
My husband’s mom is more controlling than anyone I have ever encountered. My husband’s brother chose a version of his mom to marry. In fact, his wife is exactly like the mom but the wife looks exactly like his dad, if you were to put a wig on his dad.
On the other hand, my husband chose me because he says I am the opposite of his mom in personality. While my husband’s brother lay down and allowed himself to be controlled, my husband fought tooth and nail. My husband’s first wife was like his mom but then he wised up. (They had no kids and he had been divorced for 4 years when I met him.) As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, I have never been the other woman and that goes for men with girlfriends too. I have never gotten between anyone.
Back to your brother in law. Right now they are in the spring of their marriage. Their relationship is built on the sand too. Right now the weather is balmy and the water is still. But one day the waves will come and wash everything away. One day they will wake up and be miserable. Right now he thinks all he needs is her and indulgence in material experiences. But one day that will change. One day he will realize that he threw his family away for less than nothing. I know his first wife wasn’t perfect and obviously this was not a problem for him since he picked a young version of the same issue. I say give it time.
But it’s a shame he leaves his parents in the cold.
Sarah,
She is attractive but I wouldn’t say she is beautiful. I will admit that she has a good sense of humor and is probably pretty fun to party with and I’m thinking that’s what a major element of the attraction is. She certainly isn’t a very deep thinker or one to talk philosophically or anything like that. I think in his case it is all about sex, feeling young, physical attraction, perception and ego.
His mom was indeed controlling but in a manipulative sort of way. And she drives him nuts when they are around together (as she does with Linda). And in many respects I feel that he got manipulated by his current wife to a degree, though he certainly is just as at fault as he made some really stupid and painful choices.
I agree with you that they are in the spring of their marriage and at some point things will start to crumble. I wonder how long that will take.
I can imagine that someone like that could be easily manipulated by a woman. I have found with my own husband that since he has a mom who is a bull in a China shop I have to be a strong voice in terms of what I want. He does not listen to wilting flowers and I have had to work at setting boundaries and being a strong woman. When we first got married I was a people pleaser to the extreme. Now I am still a people pleaser but if someone wants to interfere with my marriage I turn into a Momma bear. And no one messes with momma bear.
Did his first wife fight for him at all?
If I were her, I would have seriously been dragging the other woman around by the hair. I would have made things so miserable for them that she would have to leave with her tail between their legs. I am an extremely kind and understanding person– that is until someone sets her sights on my husband. I have a ‘high value’ husband as well and know that I have to defend my marriage. I will never let someone take what has taken years to build between the two of us. Woe to any woman who tries.
Hey Sarah,
You know I’m not sure how hard his previous wife fought for him. She was too distraught and went into an alcoholic stupor for days and didn’t get out of bed. It was also difficult for her because he was living and working in another state that was 600 miles away during the week and only coming home on the weekends. And guess who was around the other 5 days while he was out of town?
She dosen’t trust him after three years of marriage? and has to accompany him on nights out with his freinds? and travels with him on work related business trips?! The new wife needs to be very careful, as this could indeed drive him to cheat on her and have an affair behind her back (without her even knowing). She sounds very clingy TBH. His boys could be saying to him: “Why does she [the new wife] have to tag along, it should just be us boys going out and having a good time”… I think their relationship/marriage is pretty much doomed to fail, TBH!
If he starts to complain about her to them behind her back his buddies may be telling him to dump her. Men really listen to their drinking buddies, I know because my own dad listened to them when he was offloading about me, my mum and brother and one of his friends said: “have an affair, they’ll get over it”, now he [my dad] has disowned this particular friend… he even offloaded to his friends about how “awful”, “vile” and “disgusting” the OW was, when he came back to us.
My dad’s OW has done a similar this [but early on in the relationship]. She constantly checks his mobile/cell phone for calls and text messages from other suspectable women: he is self-employed gardener and has many quite young female customers, who are stay-at-home moms [15 years younger than her at-least], while their husbands go out to work, who she is apparently jealous and envious of… he made him even get rid of a few beacuse she didn’t like him going over there. She has also has made him cut ties with his family [parents, his sister], his kids [me and my brother; we’re adults too] and she gets really upset when my dad has to come over to our house to attend to our garden, literally on the verge of tears.
I’m sure my dad will eventually get fed up of her being like detective and eventually leave her, but to be honest she should have thought about that before she had an affair from him and wanted a false commitment from him.
Sam, I think deep down she’s a very insecure person who knows that Linda’s brother has a history of infidelity. He’s also quite wealthy, good looking and otherwise generous – and he’s her meal ticket for the rest of her life, so she has to protect her future if nothing else. She came from a low income family and didn’t have much and now she has new flashy expensive car, clothes, purses, shoes, hairstyle, lips and boobs. What more could a woman want? 😉
She sounds like my father’s OW. Comes from a lowlife area (Like the TV show ‘Shameless’), LMAO. Execpt my dad makes out to everyone that he’s loaded, when he isn’t. She has never owned her own house, ever! My dad is just her meal ticket to a better future (…but no so much better for my dad)… I’ve said since D-day that she’s just after his cash and money. She is on state-benefit, works in a Fish and Chip Shop for cash-in-hand (illegally, allegedly). If and when they buy another house (and she has her name on it) I think she’ll drop him like a ton of bricks and take all the money to live what she thinks is a better life (but not to me…)
Anyway, Doug’s brother’s, and my dad’s OWs’s cannot keep up this sharade of “checking up” on their CS/AP’s forever… it’ll eventually drive them mad and nuts surely… hense why I would never be the ‘other man’; because I would be thinking if they could do it ‘with me’, they can very easily do it ‘to me’, and the stats are overwhelmingly high – 75-90% chance of cheating/having an affair.
I was watching daytime TV today, sat watching the ‘Jeremy Kyle Show’ (basically the UK version of Jerry Springer/Dr. Phil; (but the guest are far less civilized then the American ones). There was one woman who had obtained a man through an Emotional Affair and she had him do a Lie Detector Test to see if he’d cheated on her since they got together… He completely failed on all three categories: Intimacy, Sex and Kissing, she ran off the stage crying her eyes out and Jeremy said: “if he’ll do it with you, hell do it to you” (which I believe is a quote said by Dr. Dr. Phil.
Did he pay for boob surgery and lip implants too?
Yeah, she has to protect her investment. There are many women like her and he could have his pick. She is a dime a dozen.
Ha! He pays for everything! She doesn’t have a dime of her own.
I hope at the first crack in her beautiful exterior/facade he doesn’t start looking for her replacement.
And she should be saving her $ so if she ends up out on the street by virtue of a younger, newer model she can fend for herself.
I don’t think the OW/OM think of this TBH… they should cause’ it’ll happen one day to them.
Sam. I’m a little older ((ok a lot older)) and I’ve seen a lot.
I worked for a divorce attorney for 7 years starting at 19. Soooo I’ve seen it all.
Sometimes you can just predict a pattern of behavior because you’ve seen it so many times before.
You can hold out hope it will be different but you cannot be surprised sometimes.
Can’t wait until your brother-in-law finds a younger and sexier version of her and then dumps her.
What surprises me the most is that he is an executive. Usually they need to portray a carefully crafted image as clean, family-oriented men in order to make the company look good. I am surprised that he feels proud displaying a piece of trash on his arm wherever he goes. Usually the trash stays in the garbage can but he is airing his garbage for the world to see. I wonder how long it will take until the company tells him to clean up his image.
I always say that it says a lot about a person in terms of who they choose to date and/or marry.
Well, this all started at least 4 years ago and to my knowledge the company hasn’t said anything. I’m not sure if his ex-wife ever participated much in all the company trips and dinners and stuff, so the company may not even really know all that has happened. I’m sure his new wife does well at all the company functions since she’s a tipsy social butterfly.
Sarah P –
My dad is the opposite… he goes out places with the OW, but if someone who we know see’s him he becomes all embaressed and ashamed at what he’s done… the only places they go or out drinking (he told me she’s an alkie).
My ex husband cheated on me with his best friends wife. When I found out about it I kicked him out immediately. About 9 months later she asked her husband for a divorce claiming she didn’t love her husband anymore – she also emphasized that she never cheated with my husband (her husbands best friend) blah blah blah.
It’s now 6 years later. I have moved on and remarried and so did the jilted best friend. The two cheaters are still together however it’s still veiled in secrecy. I have banned her from being around my children and my ex has followed my wishes…although he is around her child.
It’s been so long and their relationship seemingly has regressed. It was all about passion and forbidden stuff and then reality set in. I’m always scared that it’s been so long and this OW is so committed to sticking this out regardless of how much of his life he keeps from her that they will end up married. It’s like my worst nightmare.
I’m past my ex but don’t want this woman around. I will never be nice, never make it comfortable and if he chooses to marry her I will never invite him around as I do now. So far me stating this has kept him keeping her away from me but not sure this can last forever.
Do the odds of the relationship between affair partners get better the more years that pass?
Hi Em,
Well, statistics are not on their side. Very few people stay with their affair partner over the long haul. I think it would be funny if he cheated on her. These women need a taste of their own medicine (or shall I say poison?)
He does! She just doesn’t know it or chooses not to see it or I don’t know. It’s petty but I do really want that karma to just come right back around! There is a saying I heard somewhere that goes something like “When you mess around with a cheating husband you end up with a cheating husband”. I just love it and wish so much for the OW to realize what she “got”. I know it’s bad but I also think that’s pretty normal?
Hi Em
Don’t you think it is possible that karma is at work already?
They are in a relationship where they both were cheaters. That thought or insecurity is present all the time.
That sounds like a real great relationship IMO. Wondering if my spouse or partner is going to cheat on me. Yes that is a stress inducing factor.
That is their reality every day. That is karma at work.
I understand the need for revenge. It is a basic human emotion.
I just sit back and wait for it to happen. Most often it is just a matter of time.
And I believe while cheating spouses can appear to be happy and have moved on, every day they have to face the guilt of what they have done. You can bury it only for so long. But it will appear in your thought process. You can only avoid or deny for so long.
Any real person cannot ignore it. They can justify it in any way they want, but they are still a cheater. Plain & simple.
I don’t believe their life is as fabulous as they pretend it is. Not if they are real with themselves.
Sarah.P –
My father secertly cheated on his OW with her own sister (which she is in denial about because he is HER and her FAMILIES free meal-ticket). He also left her and technically cheated on my mother with her… but yet still took him back… she has no kids with him and isn’t married to him, she is pathetic and desperate at best, IMO.
When he came back he insulted her and her kids, so because of this I suppose the percentage of him cheating and/or leaving her is about 98%… LOL!
No it does not get better. If they are not married now and she’s all that well why not??
What is stopping them from truly committing???
Maybe he’s changed his mind and wants the freedom to do or see others. Maybe she is hanging on to a dissolving relationship to avoid the embarrassment of admitting it was a mistake.
Why is it a secret??? That should be a warning siren right there.
They both deserve everything they get. And more.
Does anybody believe the saying “what goes around, comes around?”. I wanted to believe it, but it’s just not true. There were days I wished the OW was a passenger on MH370. I just found out she got married to a very warm and genuine guy, who’s good looking and wealthy. It just kills me. I think I’ve become a bitter old fart.
Tabs. So maybe the OW married a nice guy.
Maybe he will cheat on her. Maybe she will cheat on him. Maybe her life don’t be do hunky dory.
You cannot really know someone else’s life. You don’t know what hoes on behind closed doors.
I would not focus on her life because you just never know
When my H dumped his OW I was afraid she was suicidal and I did feel sorry for her. Until she turned on me. Now I figure she gets what she gets. But it is not coming from me. She has had a series of disastrous male relationships all her life. And I am sure they will continue. She is her own train wreck.
Just moving forward. She was well aware of all she did.
Tabs, I do believe what goes around comes around. Although I’m still waiting, I think eventually it will. You don’t know how this guy will turn out to be, maybe he will end up being her worst nightmare. Maybe her husband one day will fall for some ow, like our ch’s did. Our husbands were wonderful good genuine guys too remember. You just never know how things will turn out for her.
please don’t waste your time worrying about her, she is not worth it. Karma doesn’t happen overnight, it can take a long time before it hits, but let me just say this, I wouldn’t want to be the ow in our lives when it does. If karma is as bad as what they say, and several times worse than what they dish out, then being in their shoes would be a terrible place to be.
Tabs be happy honey, you have your family, she is out of the picture, where she should be. While she is out of your life, she can’t hurt you or your family anymore, she is somebody else’s problem now. That is something to celebrate, if you look at it that way. I believe I would be happy and relieved to find out my h ow had settled down with some man, because that way, she is nolonger focused on my h. That to me is win win.
Hang in there, look at your gorgeous kids, and let them melt your heart, let them show you that unconditional love, joy and happiness again. While the ow continues to have your thoughts you are giving her the power to keep you down. Don’t let her…. Hugs to you
I think their karma is being insecure while with them. Always being on edge since they know they could get bored and cheat and have an affair with someone else behind their backs.
TFW-
I understand that I shouldn’t focus on her life and I don’t think I have. The OW got married a couple years back. However…it still pisses me off. Why couldn’t I hear about something negative happening to her.
Tabs, I am sure I would love to hear something negative happening to my h ow, but I guess I have to understand that I may never hear about it. Then again I have to believe that one day her time will come, and she will have no one else to blame except herself when it does.
So honey forget her, she is just a waste of space in your mind, and one day when you least expect it, you just may hear karma striking yet you may even not care when you do, because you have moved on.
Don’t be too hard on yourself….
Thanks SR.
Your welcome tabs, just remember your not alone in your thinking, and how you feel. One good thing about the www.
You may not know it is happening. Just because you don’t hear anything doesn’t mean karma isn’t giving it to her. Maybe she has a crazy MIL. Maybe she can’t get pregnant. Maybe her kids will be terrors.
You just really don’t know.
My H’s OW used to post things on social media to get back at me. Revenge was her motive. She would post things how she could never be with a cheating H. She could not tolerate or stay with a man who cheated. Except she was pressuring my H to leave me for her. What a hypocrite!!!!
So I think about her future as both a spouse and mother. Boy do I feel sorry for them. She is a delusional. You wanted to be in my shoes so badly but when she didn’t get her way, total 2 year old spoiled brat behavior.
When my H saw her true colors he really was upset. When she became a pain in his butt when she tried to oust me and he dumped her – well it wasn’t pretty to say the least.
Who knows how her life is but I do know she is not a threat. But if her past is any prediction of her future well then I feel sorry for her future boyfriends. She is nuts!!!!
I am ok with that. You make your bed now lie in it. Hahahaha
Tfw, how funny, they will help a mm cheat but won’t stay with one. My h ow said the similar to him. “Why does she stay when your doing this to her, why does she just leave us alone so we can be together? I wouldn’t stay with a man that cheated on me.”
Guess that just shows you their mindset. Lol.
@TheFirstWife –
Your husband’s previous OW sounds like a complete psycho bitch – clearly she has mental issues… IMO! My dad was aluding to a similar thing with his OW. He said she was “an alcoholic, and would stay up until 3am in the morning just sat there just staring into space! I mean what the hell?
Sam. I love how insightful you are at a younger age.
So I am in my 50s but look younger (other people say it not me). I am slim & trim. Healthy – good job + I own my own business. Two teenage children and volunteer, go to church and teach Sunday school. I am basically a good person.
I don’t run around town drinking & partying. I don’t have credit card debt. I don’t spend $ stupidly and I have savings.
I have great friends and family and basically live a normal drama-free life.
Okay now to the OW. She was cute. My H met her in a bar, hired her to work for him and within 2 months the EA started. She just turned 30 and my H was turning 50. He was dreading it immensely.
Her past history in relationships was not good. Her posts were about guys using her and dumping her. Boo hoo. How about you stop sleeping with every Tom Dick & Harry.
She had a poor me attitude which my H fell for. He was going to save her. Knight in shining armor thing. She was covered in tattoos, crazy hair, lotsa make up and wore these stupid boots all the time. with every outfit. She posted their entire relationship on her blog.
So yes we are complete opposites! She is low class trash IMO. Her revenge against me was the worst BUT I never responded to her.
The other thing was my H honestly believed his friends would accept. He wrote her in an email “my friends who love me will love you too”.
Not to be so high and mighty BUT I am certain a few of my friends would take one look at her covered in tattoos – arms back neck & legs and would never engage with her. Nor would some of the husbands. Their wife would not tolerate it.
That is how delusional my H was.
Even now he admits many of his friends would walk away from him.
The wives if our friends would have nothing in common. In fact I knew I was getting my poeer back when I told him I was running a charity event and he did not have to go. Well all our friends were attending and he made sure he was there. He was not missing it.
She sounds a hot mess… Did her failings in relationships ever ring an alarm with your H? My dad’s OW apparently hasn’t had many sucsessful relationships; he told us that she had three kids by three different men (wether this is true or not I have no idea)… he also said he would never go back to her because she is a lowlife with NO money…
When he left after Christmas she said she would commit suicide (anyone who really is, doesn’t say they are going to). Surely this is a sign that she’s a psycho bitch… and he just left her sobbing her heart out, and didn’t contact her for over two months; so that’s saying to her that he doesn’t care if she is dead… *Sounds fun*.
As I said he hasn’t contacted me since six months ago and on the 8th of this month is my brithday, and I have no idea if he’ll send me a b-day message – which I highly doubt (because he doesn’t even know when my exact birthday is…). Since the OW apparently has banned him from contacting us, and checks his phone daily for messages from other women because she is insecure. – can’t wait for the day that she discovers messages from another woman on his cell phone; bring on the karma!
Sam. There were no warning bells for my H.
He was sucked up in her drama. I saw the emails between them. He was going to rescue her.
So his radar was waaay off. He never saw the true her until AFTER he ended it.
Boy did he dodge a bullet there.
When she was upset about being the OW she ran off for the weekend. Drama filled emails from her (I only saw this after they ended it and she sent the emails). Long story short she was pressuring him to make a decision – her or me.
Well he chose her. Asked for divorce blah blah blah. He was so screwed up in the head he could not think clearly.
In any event when he finally ended it with her he saw who and what she really was. And when she came after me his eyes were wide open.
And he realized it all – he almost ended his marriage for a crazy psycho drama queen tatooed girl. Not a real woman but an immature girl. Someone who would have made his life a living hell.
He could not take someone like that yo business or corporate events. She is an embarrassment not an asset. His peers would not accept her at work.
But yet he convinced himself his true friends would accept her. Hahahaha they might but I know a few wives would not.
He even admitted after the fact he was wrong there. I just wondered how his common sense went out the window
TFW–
Reading your description of the OW reminds me of my husband’s. She is young, immature, horrible with money (she’d rather go spend money at Victoria’s Secret & buy $8 margaritas than pay off her hospital bills), likes to party, etc etc. I’m the opposite. I like to be with my family, I’m very good with money (we had so much & could afford nice things because I saved & clipped coupons) & I’m older than her (by he’s 23, I’m 30, my husband is 31), and for the most part, mature.
I can guarantee that my husband’s money is what attracts her to him, she’s always been jealous of us & the things we could afford, but what she doesn’t realize is that WE worked hard (he earned it, I saved) & we struggled in the past. Now he has a family he needs to support & he won’t have that extra money.
& when you said she took revenge on you & it opened up his eyes, I can guarantee that will happen with my husband’s OW too. I will be the target of all her shit once their “relationship’ ends. I am fairly certain he will regret this in the long run, but I keep thinking, what if this really is what he wants, what if he really is in love with her? He left & hasnt even tried to come back. It doesn’t seem like he loves me at all anymore.
SR
Boggles the mind doesn’t it!!
They are just crazy!!!!!
I posted about my cousin. Her H had 2-3 OW at the same time. My cousin was a nice hard working girl who would never ever deserve that – she was sucked into a situation much like the rest of us – the BS.
To find out your H is cheating is a blow. To find out from one of his OW that a different OW had a baby is another blow. To find out he is engaged to a different OW is horrific. And then to find out he cheated the entire marriage and everyone knew – friends, neighbors, etcetera well I don’t know how you recover from that.
Her CH was a narcissist and sociopath.
So when you think you have it bad you realize others have it worse. My cousin recovered and had a wonderful life. Too bad she suffered what she did.
His karma is continuing to be the jerk he will always be. A lying cheating narcissistic idiot who had children. I feel bad for the children.
He was definitely cheating on the young & dumb 2nd wife. I am sure it ended in divorce. And there is probably a trail of broken relationships for him. Like I said my cousin did not have children w/ him.
So karma came back to all of them in some way. The CS and all his OW. Unfortunately the kids suffer the most.
When you lay down with dogs you should expect to have fleas. And so many of those OW have fleas (issues – drama – problems).
Update: My mother’s friend saw him the other day and the friend said that he looked completely miserable. She said “hi” to him, and he looked at her and didn’t even respond – I mean WTF? My mother saw him around the corner today, and look him his post (which he hasn’t even redirected yet). She asked him if he loved the OW, and there was a dramatic pause… and he said yeah, yeah, sure… (but in a really sarcastic, non-believable way), like he was trying to convince himself.
Well, on Saturday last week my husband left after me knowing about the 6 month affair for three weeks and him supposedly choosing to do the right thing by making no effort. He is now living with her and her mum in Istanbul, about two hours away from here, her mum is not happy about it as she knows he has abandoned his family to be with her scheming daughter.
I think my husband actually has a personality disorder. He’s always been jealous of me going out with my friends for dinner in a restaurant and in fact on 13 February this year, when I asked him if I could go for dinner and he look after the boys, he said yes no problem. But when I got home he said something which I’ve only just remembered , which was I hope you realise I am free now. You chose your friends over me so I can do what I want. So on that night he made the decision to stop loving me and find someone else. He had planned to give me flowers that day and a bracelet for Valentine’s Day and apparently I screwed up his plans. But instead of saying, no, tonight’s not good, go another day, he said, sure, go and I came back to that.
So on the 18 February he met bitch face on Instagram. I know it was this date because they go matching tattoos of the date in Roman numerals when they were on holiday for a week in my car when I was in England visiting my mum That took me about five seconds to figure out. But he lied and said it was the first one he saw in the tattoo shop. He is 39 she is 30. First wife, she sounds very similar to your ow. An emotional mess, party girl, complete slapper, tattoos everywhere and a great big social media whore. Instagram, Twitter especially.
Anyway, he went to her in Istanbul on Sunday, came back to bursa (our city) on Monday for work but then his brother who is his boss, sacked him, took away his company car and drove him to the ferry which goes from bursa to Istanbul. He said, do you love her, my husband said yes, and so my brother In law said, I don’t need you, no one here needs you, just go! My brothers in law expected my ch to put up a bit of a fight, but he just said, but I want to stay! Oh ok then, you’ve all decided that I have to go.
So spineless. Anyway, on Wednesday my ch was desperate to tell me that he had been forced to go and hadn’t left us, but I said it made no difference, he didn’t have to get on that ferry. On Thursday he was messaging me asking for a divorce. He says he wants to get married to bitch face in the future and wants to have kids with her. What an absolute bastard.
The only people happy about their relationship are them and perhaps some of her stupid party friends. The people left devastated are numerous. His two boys aged 4 and 7, me, his mother who seems to be having a nervous breakdown, his brother who is futious, his sister who wants to disown him. The whole family is livid. And so ashamed that their son could do that to his lovely English wife (I am adorable).
Wow. It’s been such an awful four weeks but this week has been the worst.
Victoria. There are no words except I am so sorry for you and your children.
Clearly your H is being selfish and acting like a teenager – it’s all about HIM!! What he wants, what he chooses and what he justified in his little brain.
My H told me at least 5 times he wanted a divorce. I told him OK by me. What was I going to do – argue with him? Insist he love me? At that time the crazy OW was his choice.
Needless to say he never left and did not divorce me. We are still married and happier than ever. There were tough times during that year but we did survive. Maybe because he never left me. I don’t know but he came to his senses and now realizes the mistake he almost made.
I keep hoping your H will wake up but he has taken some drastic steps. He has eliminated himself from a job, alienated his family and lied and cheated. He is acting like a typical cheater – the grass is greener right now with the OW.
But one day it will implode and he will be shell shocked w/ nowhere to go. No family support, his kids and wife will be a distant memory and one he wishes he could call. But he won’t call because he will be too ashamed.
And in typical cheater fashion he will blame everyone else for his predicament.
Unless he is willing to get professional help I don’t know what will become of him and his relationship with his family. I cross my fingers he comes to his senses.
Right now his affair is his addiction and this is how he is dealing with his unhappiness with his life. How sad. I guess turning 40 is scary – scary to him. Sounds like he is trying to recapture his teenage years.
My H had the same issue – turning 50 plus a few other issues he had caused him to run scared of his birthday. As if an affair is the answer. But he wasn’t happy with himself and allowed it to spill over to his whole life.
I will continue to have hope this will turn around and he will realize his choices are not good and return home. Even if you decide not to stay with him his children need a father. I hope he gets help and becomes a better parent and mate.
Some of this is just not true. This is the stuff that people tell women and women tell themselves when their relationships fail. Sometimes, people just don’t work out. If anyone believes this I know why you got cheated on and left. Because your arrogant and think it’s all about you. One woman cannot steal another woman’s man. Sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons therefore their marriages don’t work out. Stop lying to yourselves. Yes sometimes women have do no wrong to cause a man to leave, but sometimes they have.
Until you walk a mile in their shoes please don’t judge them or think that they have done something to make them leave.
Most of us fell in love and married the person that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with, we stood before our family, Friends, and most of all God, and made a promise to love, honor and cherish, in sickness and health for better or worse, and I do also believe that forsaking all others was also a promise.
Not everything in our lives goes as planned, and not all people can handle all of lives ups and downs with dignity and grace, but as Wives, Mothers, Daughter, Sister and Friend, we always try to do our best and love with all of our heart.
We get caught up in the 1-800-DOITALL, (Job, house, kids etc). When the 1-800-BOOTEY call is just around the corner.
Sex wears off, the other aspects of life are still there.
We some times change the direction of our dreams to help our Spouses fulfill theirs. We make sacrifices, we live in a state of give and take, their are happy times and times of sorrow or disappointment, we have all been there.
This site has been a tremendous help to me in trying to recover, and it seems that it also gives many other people the ability to allow them to work through this very challenging time in their life.
We all see differently, but we all have the same thing in common, and it helps to know what other people are going through.
Nobody ever WINS in these situations, lies, deception and broken promises hurt everyone.
If you are the other person, or the third person, or the one that is not known about (OW or OM) you also are being involved with lies, deception and broken promises.
Your relationship is built on the same false promises.
As long as you are involved with a Married Person, and they are still in a relationship with their spouse, they are more then likely still sleeping with their spouse, and the spouse probably does not even know that their spouse is unhappy, or spending time with someone else.
So in essence, the other person is being cheated on to.
For whatever reason you are here, have some empathy and compassion for those that have been through one of their most excruciating and painful times of their lives and trying to recover and help others recover in a process that is very hard to relate to and in most cases very life changing.
Thank you to all who open up your hearts and your lives when the world seems to be turned upside down, I hope that you find peace and happiness that we all deserve, we all make mistakes and we all try to live with grace and forgiveness.
I agree with some of what you say in that sometimes, with the best will in the world, relationships/marriages don’t work out.
However, if that is the case the honourable, honest and responsible course of action is to talk to the other party and try and sort out the problems.
If that fails, then one of you needs to leave and (if married) a divorce needs to be initiated.
Sneaking around behind someone’s back and deluding yourself that it’s the romance of the century doen’t help anyone or anything. ‘Trying someone on for size’ before you exit a relationship is a pretty lousy way to behave and disrespectful for both other parties.
“I have yet to see a situation where a man marries his mistress and both people are normal. In fact, I have yet to see a situation where either the man or the former mistress are normal.”
Really? So I’ve come up with these couples (along with Charles and Camilla, whom you mention) off the top of my head. AI have yet to see a situation where a man marries his mistress and both people are normal. In fact, I have yet to see a situation where either the man or the former mistress are normal.”
Really? How about these folk?
Vince Gill and Amy Grant
Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman
Johnny Cash and June Carter
Charles and Camilla
Patty Scialfa and Bruce Springsteen
Hepburn and Tracy
You mention Charles and Camilla, but you think all these other long-lasting couples are pairs of abnormal, mentally deranged people? Look, it’s fine to say they’re part of a small minority. That’s undeniable. But don’t belittle those of us who cheated, feel ashamed of it, and yet still found a much better life with our affair partner/spouse.
Thank you! This article has helped me immensely. My ex husband has just announced he is marrying the other woman. I threw him out after a year long affair with his co-worker that he denied at multiple points and after I filed for divorce he tried to come back several times in the last 3 years. I couldn’t trust him ever again so there was no going back for me. Now he’s moved to another country and marrying her. My children have never met her and don’t know that she exists or is the reason we are divorced. It hurts but I know deep down that they deserve each other and if I were her I wouldn’t trust him. Now a new beginning for me!
Wow ……one of the most hateful mistress bashing articles I have ever read….LOLOOL. It is always apparent in all these online sites that these scorned women who got left behind, most likely were left behind because of their mean, vindictive, hateful personalities. Stop blaming it on the other women and take a minute and listen to yourselves. Good grief….I don’t care who leaves who, but the people that write these are hateful and nasty…..no wonder your husbands leave you. The hate coming out in these narratives, was most likely the the same way you spoke to your husbands on a daily basis. LOLOL Jeez…. In addition, ask any divorce lawyer…the real statistics are that 65% leave these nasty women after 5 years, and that usually has nothing to do with any other women. It is the nastiness of their spouses for the reason for leaving. LOLOL
You HAVE to be a OW.