What to Do if You Run Into Your Affair Partner

POST UPDATE:  

So it finally happened.  After more than 6 years, I ran into the OW.  Well sort of. 

Just about every day at some point, me and my faithful dog head out for about a 3-mile hike on some trails at a county park near our home.  It’s been hot as hell around here lately so for the past couple of weeks we’ve been going early in the morning as opposed to our normal time of around 12:30 or so.

Well the other day it was a bit overcast and the temperature was a bit more tolerable, so we set out for our hike just after lunch.  We jumped on one of our favorite loops that is a combination of a couple of different trails and has a stream for our dog to swim in and a nice hill or two to climb.

The trail takes us through mostly woods but about half way through the loop there is a break into a picnic and playground area which we have to walk through as it connects to another trail. As my dog and I rambled through the opening, I spotted a man and a woman sitting at a picnic table under a shelter eating their lunch. 

At this point we’re still about 75 yards away so I really couldn’t make out much more than that, but as we moved closer (they were now directly to our left) to within about 75 feet, I could clearly recognize the woman to be Tanya. 

Suddenly I felt as though someone just punched me in the gut.  It was like the feeling you get when you narrowly miss getting in a car accident.

Oh yeah…I almost forgot to mention that I was able to tell that the man she was with was NOT her husband.

As we moved past them, they paid no attention to me, but I could see that they were laughing and appeared to be having a grand time

We quickly trotted by and escaped back into the woods and onto the trail where we could not be seen.  Whew!

Now at this point, I was thinking that it looked as though Tanya had managed to get herself involved with another man – not surprisingly, I might add.  Then a very small part of me started to think that maybe I should go back and crash their little party just to see the look on her face.  I ignored that thought and we just continued on our hike feeling relieved that I escaped undetected.

Later that night I told Linda of our little experience and at first there was a look of, shall we say, concern on her face.  One thing she has always feared is the day when I run into Tanya somewhere.  But as the discussion continued, that look of concern became more like a look of disgust, and a look that would say…”See, I told you!”

The fact Tanya was with another man, and assuming this was another affair, only served to cement Linda’s opinion that Tanya was/is a serial cheater and manipulator – along with some other choice descriptive terms. (In case you didn’t know, Tanya had previous EA a few years prior to me.)

Naturally, Linda started tossing some questions out at me…

How’d she look?  Do you know the man she was with? Did seeing her make any feelings come back? Why didn’t you stop and talk to her? Did you feel jealous?

I responded by saying that the truth of the matter is that I wasn’t close enough to tell how she looked and I didn’t recognize the man she was with.  Certainly no feelings came back and there is no desire to have any further contact in any fashion.  I didn’t stop to talk because I don’t want to see her, much less talk to her, and I could really care less what she does or doesn’t do – so there is no reason to be jealous.  I have no desire to have anything to do with the worst mistake of my life!

After a while Linda’s blood pressure returned to normal and we talked a little about how Tanya would appear to have a bit of serial cheating blood running through her veins – and probably always will.

I’m also hiking early in the morning from now on.

Note:  We thought this little experience would naturally fit with this original post from about 7 months ago.  Feel free to add any comments and/or thoughts.

 

bumping into another

What to Do if You Run Into Your Affair Partner

Many of our readers have communicated that they struggle with how to react should they accidently run into the other person.

It’s not just the betrayed spouse who struggles with this issue, but the ex-unfaithful spouse does so as well. For this post, I’m going to address the scenario where the ex-cheater accidently runs into their ex-affair partner.

First of all, full disclosure here… I’ve had zero contact since the affair ended so I’m not speaking from experience. However, Linda and I have discussed this potential situation and will address this topic based on that discussion and my own opinions.

So with that said, for any of you who have had this situation actually play out (whether you are the cheater or your spouse was), we welcome you to share your experiences, lessons and advice in the comment section below the post.

Let’s be clear that we’re talking about an accidental scenario here. This is not meant to address a rendezvous or an otherwise premeditated or purposeful encounter. I’m addressing the chance, unavoidable meeting in public at the grocery store, at a party, at your kid’s soccer game, etc.

I am also addressing this to the ex-cheater who is committed to reconciliation and rebuilding the marriage that he/she almost destroyed. If you’re an ex-cheater and you’re hoping to run into your affair partner, this post is not for you.

Prior to a chance meeting…

First of all I think it’s important for you to understand that this potential scenario is an event that your BS is more than likely dreading. They realize the importance of no contact and fear that any contact – no matter how little or how accidental – may propel you back into the arms of your affair partner. And in a lot of cases I don’t doubt that this happens.

If you have not had any chance meetings with your ex-affair partner since the affair, I feel that it is vitally important that you have a discussion with your partner to address how you should handle this situation.

Most BS will probably want you to either ignore the AP or tell him/her something to the effect that he/she was the worst mistake ever, that you hope you never see them again, that you love your spouse more than anything, and oh yea… why don’t you go to hell!

In fact, here are Linda’s words on this from almost 3 years ago:

I am sure that I am not alone in my thinking, I wish if he did run into her, he would tell her that being with her was the biggest mistake he ever made in his life. He had completely lost his mind, and he loves his wife and his life with me is everything he ever wanted. Their time together was a lie and the experience of seeing her makes him sick to his stomach because of all the hurt their fantasy relationship caused himself and his family.

Will I say that? Perhaps. But we have also agreed that if I’m at the store and someone taps me on the shoulder and I turn around and it was the OW, I could say something more in the realm of “Hello. I really don’t have anything to say to you. Good bye.” And then scurry off.

Of course, we agree that my primary strategy is to avoid the running into her to begin with, but that might not be possible unless I see her first. As long as I do then it’s…avoid detection and exit the building!

Will these responses be appropriate for all of you and in every situation? Absolutely not. But they work for us. The point is that you need to discuss it and then come to an agreement as to what to say and how to react. You may need to practice it as well.

Have that discussion right away. Don’t put it off!

During the chance meeting…

This part is easy. Do and say what you and your spouse agreed that you would do and say!

I say it’s easy, but I realize that many of you may be shitting bricks when and if it happens and you may start babbling like an idiot. Others may not have any reservations, nerves or thoughts and the whole event is basically a walk in the park.

The point is, stick to the plan and what you rehearsed and get the hell away.

Disclose the meeting immediately…

Almost as important as handling the chance meeting in the fashion that you agreed to, is doing the right thing immediately after it happens. And that would be to tell your wife or husband that you ran into the OP.

Tell him/her what happened, where it happened, how it happened, what you said, what the AP said and perhaps more importantly, how you feel about the meeting. Did it upset you? Did it make you anxious? Did it bring back any feelings or thoughts of your affair? Etc. Be honest and disclose completely. Answer any questions your spouse might have with patience and empathy.

In the coming days and weeks you are also going to want to be understanding of the emotions of your spouse. He or she is going to be anxious and fearful that old feelings may have been triggered and that the affair will start up again. This whole event may even trigger your spouse back to a dark time that seems as bad as another D-day. Know this, anticipate it and be patient with it.

Since you are an ex-unfaithful person and you are working your ass off to help your spouse recover and heal, then you will know to continue your life of transparency in a way that invokes honesty and trust worthiness.

You should hold your spouse tight and tell him/her that you love them and reassure them that the chance meeting meant nothing to you other than to confirm the fact that the affair was the dumbest thing you ever did, and the OP was the worst thing to ever cross your path.

Once again, if any of you have had this situation actually play out (whether you are the cheater or your spouse was), please share your experiences, lessons and advice in the comment section below.

 

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69 Responses to What to Do if You Run Into Your Affair Partner

  1. gizfield February 6, 2015 at 7:50 am #

    My advice is Ignore, Ignore, Ignore! That’s what I did. It works great. Plus, I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to say to this guy.

  2. gizfield February 6, 2015 at 8:05 am #

    I think not interacting with the person gives the message that you don’t want anything to do with them, better than anything you can say.

    Other people may not agree with this, but if it were a public situation, like standing in line at the bank or driving down the road, and no one else knows about it, I would not bring it up. You are bringing the AP back to a place of importance. If it was somewhere that it might come up later on, say a party or your work, and look like you were hiding it then tell your spouse.

    I do think there is no reason to talk to the AP at all again, ever. It’s really just giving them importance. They don’t need to know what you’re thinking. They don’t need to know if you’re happy, sad, oblivious, whatever. It’s not their business whether you love your spouse or not. They are not your concern. What they think is not your concern. They are irrelevant in your life. Show them you don’t care by your actions. They’ll get the message.

  3. gizfield February 6, 2015 at 9:02 am #

    There are a couple more reasons I think no interaction with the AP is best.

    1. They think they are the Great Love of your life. You are with your spouse because they are “letting” you stay in your marriage. They think you aren’t with them because your spouse says so, not because you don’t want to be. Talking with them reinforces that belief.

    2. No Contact means no contact. You don’t answer phone calls, texts, emails but if they Catch you in person, you talk to them. This gives them more incentive to be where you are. It gives a conflicting message.

    3. It is just easier. Instead of getting into a conversation to be analyzed later, all you have to say is “Tonya was at Jim’s party last night. I didn’t speak to her.” No I said this and she said that required. It gives the AP a chance to get back in your thoughts and head when you communicate with them. They do not deserve to be there. Don’t let them in.

    Just my thoughts, as usual.

  4. gizfield February 6, 2015 at 9:11 am #

    oops, I forgot reason four.

    4. You don’t need to know ANYTHING about your affair partners like either. They will use the contact to tell you they “have moved on, are doing fine, they miss talking to you, don’t Regret What You Had” , etc. Anything they can say to make themselves relevant to you. Don’t give them the chance.

    Walk away.

  5. gizfield February 6, 2015 at 9:38 am #

    5. Your AP has also thought about this accidental meeting, ran through the possible scenarios, and formulated their own action plan. Especially if you are NO contact through conventional means, this is their opportunity to Open the Door to you. If they do anything other than walk away from you, they have an agenda to advance.

  6. Lin0416 February 6, 2015 at 10:00 am #

    I have been following this site for almost a year now, but this is my first post. I found out about my husbands work affair almost 11 months ago. My ongoing problem and the reason I feel I can’t move on is they still work together. They have daily contact via email, phone, and in person, their jobs require it. I do have access to his personal and work emails now, which helps but I am set off and still angered so quickly. Our kids are 3 and 6 so I am trying to keep working on our marriage but I still feel extremely sad at times and that it is inevitable that I won’t be able to get past it. This article peaked my interest as I have seen his AP in the grocery store and I dodge her. We were also on a date one night and walked into a bar/restaurant and she was there sitting at the bar so we turned around and walked out. I don’t know why I feel uncomfortable and am the one avoiding her I’m not the one who did anything. I never would have that I would react that way! My emotions are still a roller coaster, it wears on me, my husband, and the kids.

    • Doug February 6, 2015 at 1:39 pm #

      Hi Lin, Thanks for the comment! No way your husband can find a different job – or at least a different department or something where he won’t have contact with the OW? Not sure you saw this post, but it deals with the BS running into the AP. Lots of good comments as well: http://www.emotionalaffair.org/what-if-you-run-into-your-spouses-affair-partner/

      • Lin0416 February 6, 2015 at 4:41 pm #

        Thanks I will read it!

    • AnnaB February 6, 2015 at 3:20 pm #

      My heart goes out to you Lin because you are dealing with such a lot whilst looking after a young family. No-one should have to endure the emotional trauma and misery that affairs cause. My husband had an affair with a work colleague for 18 months and I know that if they’d continued to work together it would have driven me insane. Luckily she left the job and I didn’t have their daily contact to worry about. There are so many things that affect us at this time:- fear that it is still going on, not knowing if you’ve been told the full story, lack of appetite and weight loss, lack of sleep and depression etc. If your husband can change jobs then he really should do, for your mental and emotional health, which also benefits your children. My H’s OW left the job very quickly because I guess she wanted to put distance between them as she was frightened that her husband would find out. In my opinion any decent human being would leave out of decency. I hope your H is understanding as to how you are feeling. I wish you strength, and hope you have someone you can confide in, which is very important for your well being. It’s been 3 1/2 years since D Day and we’ve discussed what he would do if he bumped into her, and he says he’d ignore her and walk the other way. However, if I bumped into her it would be another story…! I knew her as an acquaintance and feel like they both betrayed me, and as I haven’t had it out with her it is unfinished business. I don’t know what I will say but I need to say something.

      • Lin0416 February 6, 2015 at 4:41 pm #

        Unfortunately my husband is not able to transfer or change positions. He does look for new jobs, but half-heartedly, as this is the best job he has had and he excels at it. He says he does not want to go backwards, and he was hoping she would quit. This is also the first time he has provided job stability during our relationship. As recently as 5 months ago I found personal emails between them and blew a gasket as I don’t think even being friends is appropriate. He does understand how I feel I think to a point. To him it’s over, she doesn’t mean anything to him, and he says it never was about her. At this time I don’t think he is friendly with her anymore, but he was lying about their contact before to me so I find it hard to believe that now he is telling me the truth. It sucks because as long as they have contact I don’t think my insecurities will go away. I found out about the affair from her husband, and they have filed for divorce since. My husband says she went after him, I know it’s a 2-way street, but now she’s soon to be single and I fear she has no morals! I will continue to focus on the positive things he has done, but it’s never the one thing I want which is her out of his life.

        • OHC February 6, 2015 at 5:08 pm #

          Well, she has the same morals as your husband, to be clear.

          If you found personal emails between them AFTER both you and her husband found out and after her husband filed for divorce, I am not sure you can really trust your husband on this one.

          Sometimes APs do have to work together after the affair ends–luckily that didn’t happen to me as we both left our jobs. But I would look seriously at what your husband is saying. Do they absolutely need to be in touch for their jobs or is it more that they are just in the same office.

    • TAK February 10, 2015 at 9:16 am #

      I have been following this site for a few years, and I read your comment, and I feel your pain. I was in your position 4 years ago. The only way for you to get over this completely is for there to be absolutely no contact between your husband and the OW. My husband left his job to prove to me he was committed. It was a struggle when they were working together and I was not able to recover, especially when I knew the OW was still trying to ignite some feelings between the two of them. My husband changed his e-mail and cell phone number as well.

    • Tricia October 19, 2016 at 9:36 am #

      Why in the world is he still working there? Get him outta there. How convenient is that!! An affair is an addiction and as long as he’s working with her he’s getting his fix and will not get over her. You have to remove the addiction!

  7. OHC February 6, 2015 at 10:28 am #

    There are other possibilities, though, Giz. The AP may be under orders of no contact from their spouse as well. And they aren’t necessarily trying to get back together or start something again. Again, if it’s a chance encounter they are just as likely to be as shocked as you are

    Personally, when I saw my AP walk into a cafe I was in when we were no contact, I hid for an hour until he left because I had no desire to see him. Not the most mature, but also reduced the stress for me because I didn’t want to deal with figuring out what to say. If he had seen me, I’m not sure what I would have done

    But I agree, obviously, that there is no need to interact unless you are in a situation that forces it, like a work event or something. And then I think being polite but distant is the best approach.

    But no need to assume the AP is going to take this chance encounter as an opportunity to restart things or tell you you made a mistake. they may feel like throwing up and running the other way. I know I did

    • Gizfield February 6, 2015 at 2:00 pm #

      Ohc, it’s interesting that you mention the AP “may be under orders of no contact ” by their spouse. Believe me when I tell you my husband is not under any no contact order from me, and I doubt most married people are. He is free to do as he pleases. As am I. I have told my husband from day one that I have no interest in being married to someone who sneaks around “dating. ” he is more than welcome to hit the door and quit wasting my time if thats what he wants. I think it’s a myth among cheaters that their spouses are desperate to hang onto them. Also, there is no reason to be polite to someone who has had no regard for your spouse, family, or marriage. If that is where his loyalty lies, so be it. I’m not planning to be in a competition with anyone when I’m married. They can take that mess with them, if they like.

      • OHC February 6, 2015 at 3:45 pm #

        Just trying to make the point that you seem to be operating from the belief that the AP in question will always be trying to get back together or make a pass at the WS in question. But in fact all of your WS are someone else’s AP. Sometimes the AP is single, but a lot of times there is another couple going through the same thing you all are going through. And just looking at odds, about half of your WS were the one who was broken up with, not the one who ended things.

        So, maybe there should be some discussion of how to think about what you will say if you or your spouse was the one “broken up” with. Chances are they will have a more emotional response to running into their ex-AP than if they were the ones who ended things

        And I don’t have any assumption about how spouses pursue no contact–remember I was a single AP requesting no contact while my married AP never agreed to it. But there have certainly been some blogs where the BS implies that they have insisted on it, so who knows. Not everyone necessarily takes your approach

        • gizfield February 6, 2015 at 8:46 pm #

          It doesn’t matter to me one way or the other who “broke up with who” , this isn’t junior high. I’m not tolerating my husband having anything to do with other females that he “dated” or sneaks around with while married to me. Period.

          I don’t know if the AP in any situation is pursuing a cheating spouse or not, some will, some won’t. Again, it doesn’t matter. The world is full of whores, this one wasn’t Special. If he is a serial cheater, and gets another girlfriend, she won’t be Special, either. If my husband values his relationship and family and he sees his girlfriend out somewhere, my suggestion to him is that he keep on walking. If he wants to exchange his wife and family for some meaningless chatter, it’s his choice, not mine. There are plenty of Cheaters who have done exactly that. I can’t change the fact that he acted like an imbecile before, but I certainly control what I tolerate and I don’t tolerate cheating any longer.

          • OHC February 6, 2015 at 9:09 pm #

            You are kind of arguing just for the sake of arguing. I said several times that it’s best to have no interaction.

            My only issue was with your assumption that the AP is always dreaming of your husband, planning on seducing him, bitter that he ended things. That this attempted seduction is the main thing to be prepared against.

            The fact of the matter is that the WS was a wiling party to the affair and is just as likely to be the one who is looking for something from his ex-AP in the encounter. Believe me, it happens. Any wife who thinks that isn’t possible is just plain naive.

            After what I have been through tonight, I am sick of all the blame on the OW for being so sneaky. Of everyone, married men who have been in an affair, particularly with a single woman, are the worst. The lies to the wife just keep going and going. Don’t delude yourself otherwise

            • gizfield February 6, 2015 at 9:26 pm #

              I’m not the one who thinks Cheaters can be trusted, and that AP should have “good memories” of each other and be “friends”. Personally, I will never trust someone who fucks me over, even once, much less repeatedly. I don’t make this any secret.

              It sounds like you are starting to see your AP for his true self.

              • OHC February 6, 2015 at 9:34 pm #

                It doesn’t affect my memories of him or my belief that we had true feelings for each other. It does reinforce my belief, one I have told him several times, that he needed to work through the issues that led him to have the relationship he had with me. He went into therapy for depression and never told the therapist why he was really depressed. It was stupid and counterproductive. And is leading him to blindly follow his feelings for me without owning what he is doing. And it means he isn’t letting me go live my own life

                It’s not clear that this plan of his will work out for him. But it’s a big enough deal that I may contact his wife anonymously, if for no other reason than my own self protection

          • Blue February 6, 2015 at 10:31 pm #

            Giz- I really admire your non-bullshit responses- almost every time.

            This sure isn’t junior high school.

            I’ve been telling my teens lately, just because someones a doctor, or lawyer, cop, grandparent, teacher, high management in the government, your boss doesn’t make them good or wise. People that are wise have integrity and wouldn’t do something they have to hide.

          • oceangirl February 9, 2015 at 3:49 pm #

            Just wanted to say that I like your point of view, gizfield!!

            • gizfield February 9, 2015 at 7:19 pm #

              Thank you, Ocean Girl!

  8. Gizfield February 6, 2015 at 1:18 pm #

    I just really dont think acknowledging your AP is a good idea, in virtually any instances, unless forced to by work, etc.

    I really doubt it will go the way you want, even if you have practiced a speech, or whatever. That might work in a recorded message or something but you are dealing with a person. There is no way to tell how they will react. They may pout. Cry. Bat their eyelashes, stick out their chest, lol. Plead their case. Turn abusive. You never know. Who knows, maybe you will instantly Fall Madly In Love with them. Doubt it, lol. Anyway, closed doors are best left closed. In my opinion. No offense to any other opinion.

  9. Gizfield February 6, 2015 at 10:51 pm #

    Thanks, Blue. When my husband’s girlfriend was insulting me about my age (I’m nine years older than her, and I dont give a damn, I assure you)I later told him I should have responded “who do you have for homeroom this year?” She was really that immature.

    • Blue February 7, 2015 at 11:20 am #

      Giz, she insulted your age?! Only a cold hearted emotionally deficient person could spew idiocy like that. She will be 9 years older one day…

      I vented to the OW in an email after DD. I never swore or called her a name, though I did say the things I knew she did do with my CH and that I knew she was a church going Christian and said wasn’t the basis for Christianity to ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ and she replied ‘We’re all sinners’ It was beyond her emotional intelligence or decency to just take the blame for what she did to me, she had to point her finger at me, even though she didn’t know me at all.

      I know my husband is emotionally slow (shallow), he seems to be trying..

  10. exercisegrace February 10, 2015 at 6:04 pm #

    If I ran into her now, I would probably just laugh and keep on walking. She is meaningless in the big picture of our lives and she knows it. She is relegated to one tiny footnote of one chapter of a story that spans more than three decades of our love and marriage. And it’s not a pretty footnote. “Worst mistake he ever made” or “affair partner turned bunny boiler” are the two likeliest notes. As time has gone on, I can see his remorse and regret is real. She was nothing more than an escape from the depression that overwhelmed him at that time. They both may well have thought it was “real” love in the early days of their affair, but time has proven it was not. In my mind, real love means mature love. The kind of love that can make it through anything, that thinks of the other person before self, that wants the best for those they love. Affair love is selfish love. It takes and doesn’t care who is hurt, robbed, or left devastated in the process. It ignores children, promises, and family. I am thankful I have never had that kind of love. I wouldn’t want it. I am happy knowing I am the woman he truly loves and wants to be with. I have his name, his ring, his children and our home. We have a history and a foundation. Anyone could have filled the brief, sordid purpose she did. Not everyone could fill the role I have filled for him all these years. So yes, while I do have days I would love to give her a piece of my mind, mostly I just pity her for how low she is. He wasn’t her first affair and I doubt he will be her last. She’s in her forties now, so……yeah. Good luck with THAT.

    • Strengthrequired February 10, 2015 at 8:16 pm #

      Eg, good for you, you are inspiring. your right, your h ow held nothing over you and your h relationship, and I know as time goes on for me, I will feel the same way. Even though I know she holds nothing over me as well, with the years and family we have had together, she too was just a bump in the road, that got in the way due to my h depression midlife. Sometimes I just need to keep reminding myself of that.
      Thanks

  11. TryingHard February 14, 2015 at 1:52 pm #

    I ran into the OW. I knew she wod be there too. She worked part time at a retail store. I was talking to a clerk and around the corner her big fat ugly self came. I glared daggers at her, shook my head and laughed in her face!!! Then when I was checking out she came up to the other cash register. I never even acknowledged. I wanted to turn around and flip her off but I didn’t since it was where she worked. Had she been shopping I would have. In fact I did once. She was standing outside her other job. I was driving by, it’s a busy street. I honked, and flipped her off. LOL it was fun. She is NO match for me. Now though I would just pretend I didn’t know who she was but she truly is that insignificant in my life. Like a bad dream. One thing I would never do is let her think I was intimidated or scared of her. It’s she who should be very afraid of me. And I truly believe she is. My H may be a “big f^**ing pussy”, haha her recent word but she knows I’m a vicious tiger!!! I think I’ll keep her thinking that. She’s lucky I haven’t drug her lying ass to court and taken what little she has left . She’s not worth me taking myself down to her white trash level but if she EVER tried anything stupid she’d see my wrath!!!

    • Strengthrequired February 15, 2015 at 4:09 pm #

      Th, is her other job standing on a busy st, lol. I’m guessing you kwim. Lol. Seems appropriate.

  12. TryingHard February 15, 2015 at 5:26 pm #

    Her primary job was as a whore!!!!

    • Strengthrequired February 15, 2015 at 6:06 pm #

      Are you serious? Wth was your h thinking? Did he know it was her second job?

  13. TryingHard February 15, 2015 at 7:03 pm #

    No just kidding. But she played for a lot of money. Thinking???? Ha there was no thinking, just scheming. Once I got her out of our business, oh that wS a fun day firing her mangy ass, she went back to work at her previous. We turned her in for unemoyment fraud and she had to pay back over $10,000 of fraudulent benefits. She had to take a second job I guess to pay it back. How’s that for getting my pound of flesh from the skank!!!

    • Strengthrequired February 15, 2015 at 8:00 pm #

      You are too funny, how gullible am I. Lol. I love what you did btw, hopefully it showed her not to step in another woman’s garden. Lol
      How was Valentine’s Day?

  14. TryingHard February 15, 2015 at 8:29 pm #

    It was good. Valentines day is south pressure for men.

    It’s a funny thing with revenge. There’s never enough but she sure hasn’t had it too good!

    • Strengthrequired February 15, 2015 at 8:35 pm #

      They are placed under a lot of pressure for Valentine’s Day. It’s worse now the pressure than what it was years ago though.

  15. Windsong June 4, 2015 at 7:26 pm #

    I have asked my spouse to commit to NO CONTACT with the EA partner. The ongoing affair contact stopped after D Day for the most part. However, my spouse chooses to continue attending social events knowing full well the OP will attend. High School reunions are a major trigger for me as the OP was a childhood friend, described as the first “Crush.” I refuse to attend these functions to avoid making a scene. My feeling is that NO CONTACT should include all social events where this person is likely to attend. My spouse lived under the guise of “Just Friends” throughout the entire secret relationship and would like to treat the OP as though nothing happened. Together they almost destroyed our marriage at a time we should have been having the time of our lives. I guess my fear is that the things that are triggers for me will also be a trigger for my spouse. EA’s are built around emotions, and lifelong friendships, once romantic, are dangerously hard to break. I have a need for 100% commitment to our marriage without exception, without the temptation of being exposed to the OP again and again.

  16. antiskank September 15, 2015 at 6:00 pm #

    This was definitely a big concern for me from day 1. My H and his AP worked at the same office in different areas and had sought each other out up to several times daily. After being tole by him how perfect she was, how he loved only her, etc, I didn’t want the whole affair restarted.

    When my H ended his contact with his skank, he phoned to tell her that they shouldn’t see each other because his wife thought it was inappropriate. Her response was that she would see him at work. I took offense to that and I called her a week later to let her know exactly what “No contact” meant! I was super polite and civil but suggested to her that it was my H’s idea and that it was not good for either of them to have the whole workplace gossiping about their time together. He tried telling me that there was no way that they could avoid each other at work but their jobs did not require that they even be in the same part of the building so I knew that was a lie and shut it down!

    After I called her, they stopped contact (as far as I know). He would tell me when he saw her in passing although I know he didn’t tell me every time. He would pretend he was over her, that he didn’t want to see her and was disgusted by the very thought. I would see her on occasion and feel sickened by the very sight of her.

    Fast forward 2 1/2 years and I was finally starting to feel okay about him going to work and not jumping back into the affair. Although he wasn’t doing the things I needed him to do, I thought things had improved greatly. Looking back, I realize the change was in my attitude not in his efforts or actions. He happened to mention that he had seen her in the hallway at work and as usual I asked him if he had said anything to her or vice versa. After much discussion, it came out that he had said “Hi” to her. to me, this was a way to restart the affair, to show her the door was open. He says he was being polite!! Why? to Her??? Give your head a shake. After years of disrespecting me and almost completely destroying my life with her, he has to be polite to that skank???

    Further discussion revealed that although they had not been sneaking their secret moments for a long time, he was still fantasizing about her, dreaming of getting BJs from her, longing for her – for that entire 2 1/2 years!!!!! He had been lying to me the whole time. It was indeed still her that he wanted. Add a few more issues to my growing list of trust concerns!

    After he begged for another chance, we have been working since that point, at least I still have to repair the damage. He is starting to finally come around just as I am ready to show him the door. It’s high time to get his act together.

    I mentioned this column to him today and told him how Doug felt about seeing his AP. He agreed it would be difficult as it is just something that he wouldn’t want to deal with. It would bring up all of the bad things that happened as a result of their affair. although I am glad to hear that most of the CS would not want to meet their AP, I also wonder why it makes any difference to them. If they no longer have those loving feelings for them, and there are no feeling left, what’s the big deal?

    I don’t know if the close proximity of the skank at work where he could see her every day, even if only from a distance made a difference but I think in his case, it made the feelings stick around longer. Because the whole thing was based on fantasy (and we all know that you only imagine ultimate perfection in a fantasy!) that was ended at the height of his “love” and lust, it seemed a little more difficult for the poor guy to let it go. Seeing her and knowing he couldn’t have her made him want her even more! Awwww, don’t you just feel for him?

  17. TheFirstWife September 16, 2015 at 1:45 pm #

    I like the fact that Doug saw this AP /OW with another guy.

    It makes it appear that for many of us, if it doesn’t work out with our H, the OW will just find someone else. Just a teminder to the CS or CH that while you may have given up your life and family for this person, in reality you were expendable. Nothing more than that.

    She did not really “love” you. She moved on when to someone new when you were no longer available.

    How does that make you feel now? Can you honestly say that person was worth it?

    Not sure where I tead this story but a guy was part of a committee or board at his church. One woman was very attractive and I guess in some way let him know she was interested. He was married. I don’t remember if she was. At first he enjoyed the littke extra attention but then one day he took s step back and looked at her objectively.

    He was surprised at what he saw. This was Hus reality check. Attractive woman and smart. Clothing style was a bit revealing. She was very flirty with all the guys. Looked for attention. Tended to dominate the group.

    In any event he realized he was not interested in being the object of this woman’s affection. He was married. He removed himself from the group to avoid any further issues

    His comment was that with the rose colored glasses on she was perfect. When he took them off and saw her for her true self he realized she was not all that.

    Too bad the CS cannot see their AP for what they teally are. A liar and cheater.

    • theresa September 16, 2015 at 3:22 pm #

      Does a WS ever see themselves as “a liar and a cheater”?

      • TheFirstWife September 16, 2015 at 5:26 pm #

        Nope. It is all about justification.

        Maybe after the fact some cheaters do but I believe most do not.

        If you have reD some of my other posts they tell themselves things to justify their choices. Which is why most of the cheaters do not go to counseling. It would burst their bubble.

        • Strengthrequired September 16, 2015 at 7:37 pm #

          TFW, I agree, not all see themselves as a liar and a cheat. They just have justifications as to why you made them cheat, because well, to them it was all our fault after all.

  18. TryingHard September 16, 2015 at 5:17 pm #

    Oh man I bet you did cut a wide berth!! Good for you telling Linda. You knew their would be questions but you did it anyway. Really awesome!!

    Well I put the OW in the name search on the Ashley Madison dump and low and behold her email address came. Kinda gives meaning to Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater.

    Ah, yeah, Tanya’s trash!

  19. Strengthrequired September 16, 2015 at 7:35 pm #

    Good on you Doug, for having told Linda about your sighting. I would like to hold on hope that if my ch ever sees his ow, that he dodges her as well and if seen by her and she tries to talk to hi. That he ignores her attempts. I also hope if that happens he tells me, yet if truth be told, I doubt he would say anything. No doubt he if he did run into her, they would talk up a storm, because well they are related, and I would still be left in the dark about the encounter.
    I like to imagine that he would do the right thing by me, but I think he would still be the one that doesn’t want to look bad, so wants to keep looking like the good guy.

  20. Shifting Impressions September 17, 2015 at 1:12 pm #

    Now that is a good question to put up for discussion…..as the possibility of running into the OW is rather high. I have a feeling my husband wouldn’t say a word to me, even though I think he would try to cut a wide berth just as Doug did.

    I’m going to bring this up, I think we should be prepared and have somewhat of a strategy. I was going to say, it hasn’t happened thus far but I don’t know if it has or not because full disclosure hasn’t exactly been the pattern.

    • TheFirstWife September 17, 2015 at 1:55 pm #

      I think it would more fun to talk about what if we, the wife, ran into the OW!

      The hell with the men – what would we do?

      I am certain my H would avoid her for fear she would let him have it. She was convinced he was dumping me for her. So I believe she may have some unresolved feelings and feel the need to unleash.

      I don’t think he would talk to her if he could avoid it. After what she subsequently did to me and the lies she told, I now believe he sees her for exactly the person she is.

      And I do believe he would tell me. Right away.

  21. TryingHard September 17, 2015 at 2:50 pm #

    OOO I like that game First Wife!!!! Can we tell what we did OR what our fantasy is? Because mine involves a tatoo of my car model on her forhead 🙂

    Let the games begin!!!!

    • TheFirstWife September 17, 2015 at 2:59 pm #

      Let the fun begin. I know one woman who posted here said she ran into the OW and cursed at her across a parking lot. Pretty drastic behavior but that’s it?

      But I would be curious to know what others have done. Could make a great book.

      but please feel free to share. Real. Or fantasy.

      My revenge is called karma. Her current boyfriend cheats on her. In fact I fantasize about paying some hot girl to lead him astray. And how she would react. But then I know I could never do it. Just not in me. I am such a loser/do gooder.

      But it is fun to dream.

  22. TryingHard September 17, 2015 at 3:18 pm #

    LOL First Wife that was ME!!! Not the parking lot. I was driving by on the road. She was standing outside her work smoking. As I drove by I honked, rolled the window down, flipped her off and yelled “eff you (insert skank’s name here)

    Haha so not drastic, great relief. I’d do it all over again too. If I saw her in the grocery or any where else I’d flip her off again. I’d flip her off in church if she went. I would flip her off every time I saw her. I would NOT however, go into her work and flip her off.

  23. Tabs September 17, 2015 at 9:44 pm #

    My fantasy…

    I told my CH that if I ever saw the OW, I’d take a skateboard to her head. For those of you who don’t watch Sons of Anarchy, Katy Sagal’s character swings a skateboard at the much younger OW’s nose. I started cheering, loudly, when I saw that episode. I actually think my husband was worried. If there ever was a skateboard handy while the OW was in range, I would love to swing and break her face. When I told my CH this, he said he’d try to stop me so I wouldn’t get into trouble. Fine. Save her. I’d break his face.

  24. Rachel September 18, 2015 at 5:19 am #

    I just read my post from 2012 about my ex’s OW. I stated how she is a dirty skank without a stitch of class. Yes, she is but I now switch this to my ex. He is a dirty skank. No class.
    And I am better off. Took a long time to feel this way. But when I talked to my attorney this week and I hear that my ex tried picking up his 21 year old daughter , it totally disgusted me.
    I have to be in the company of the ex tomorrow night at our friends daughters wedding.
    I just have to remember that I’m the one with class and to ignor the skank that he is.

  25. Heartbroken September 18, 2015 at 6:50 pm #

    Wish I had such self control Doug. I, on the other hand, as the betrayed spouse running into “her” at the local Mexican restaurant, called her an awful name. So out of character for me! I’ll blame it on the margarita I had. Lol

  26. Heartbroken September 18, 2015 at 6:51 pm #

    Oh that was me first wife. Ha ha

  27. TryingHard September 18, 2015 at 7:00 pm #

    All this crap is out of character for most of us!!! No ones unique in that. Chow me a traumatized shell shocked betrayed spouse that says they didn’t do anything weird and they are either a liar or don’t care. It’s called snapping and it happens all the time. Do not eff with other people’s lives.

    The ow in my life had sex with my husband, took money under the guise of a loan “trust me I’ll pay you back once the construction us finished”, guilted him into loaning her money for a car, threatened her way into a job where she was an embarrassing disaster and that’s only the highlights!!! Flipping her off pales in comparison to her deeds.

    But ahh schadenfreude she’s hot terminal cancer…. You can’t make this up

  28. Heartbroken September 18, 2015 at 7:28 pm #

    Well I don’t wish her terminal, I’m not that evil. I just wish her some of the emotional pain she has caused me.

  29. TryingHard September 18, 2015 at 8:37 pm #

    Lol heartbroken. You crack me up. I didn’t even have to wish it!!! She got it wall on her own 🙂 if I thought had magical wishes I’d have wished for her to get hit by a Mack truck!!

  30. TheFirstWife September 19, 2015 at 12:00 pm #

    I would be a total witch and talk to her like she was my friend.

    She would be so confused she wouldn’t know what to do.

    Kill ’em with kindness. Works every time.

    And sometimes the evil in me hopes her current boyfriend cheats on her. Let it be her turn though truth be told I think she was dumped by some random guy which is why the affair started again. Whatever.

    My guess is that she does not have a good track record with relationships.

  31. Heartbroken September 19, 2015 at 1:50 pm #

    Oh that sounds familiar! My husbands OW has two young children to two different men. She is in and out of relationships and had several different boyfriends during the EA. She is 33 and my husband is 46. We have a 27 year old daughter for crying out loud. They also worked together and continued to for 14 months after I found out about it. She finally got transferred 5 months ago to a different building. The affair continued on and off the whole time and I’m sure it would have continued if she hadn’t left. Every time I would find out he was still talking to her and asked why, his excuse was he just liked talking to her and couldn’t stop. I contacted her on many occasions and asked her to leave him alone but she would just call me crazy and tell me to get a life. That would infuriate me! Lady you ain’t seen crazy!!! Lol

    • TheFirstWife September 19, 2015 at 3:47 pm #

      Wow that is an infuriating situation. You act with character and respect and you get pretty much slapped in the face. What is with this younger generation?

      My H OW tried to start up a third time. Emailed him about 2 months after my H set up no contact. She was blocked on email, phone, etc. so she emails him on one account. Starts going on & on about their “connection” and how it meant so much to her and how she hates to lose that. My H does not respond. But I do. In a nice way I ask her to leave us alone so we can heal. I just had a suden death in family and was hanging on by a thread emotionally.

      Crazy OW then unleashes at me. On her blog she ripped me to shreds for well over a year. Called me every thing you could think of. The only thing she did not do was publish my name or H’s name. But she wrote a children’s book and included details of the break up.

      So she cheats with a married guy and he ends it and that is my fault? Very sound logic here.

      So that is why I would kill her with kindness if we met. I am never going to stoop to her level. And if she only knew how many times I told my H he could be with her and he refused you would laugh at the irony.

      I guess I stood in the way of her happiness and true love. ?

  32. Tabs September 19, 2015 at 8:17 pm #

    So what do you do when the OW doesn’t believe she did anything wrong. My H goes after a 22 year old, just three years older than our daughter. Yuck!! They flirted and sexted constantly and, at the time I found out, neither believed they did anything wrong. My H finally agreed that his behavior was hurtful and inappropriate. But the 22 year old wouldn’t stop. She evenutally graduated and left, but returns often for vacation. To this day, I doubt she understands what she did was wrong. It’s all a big playground for her enjoyment.

    I found a picture of the OW on facebook. She was “friends” with my daughter since they went to the same college and had mutual friends. My daughter did find out and managed to find out that the OW almost broke up another marriage. If what goes around, come around, I’m still waiting to see what comes around.

    • Strengthrequired September 20, 2015 at 2:03 am #

      Tabs, I’m still waiting too. Just hope we both get to see Karma strike when it does. Maybe somewhat bitter sweet.
      The ow in my husband life didn’t believe she did anything wrong either. I am sure she thought I was holding him back from being with her, his true love, yet I told him as well go and be with her, if that is where you want to be, just go. Time and time again, yet he wouldn’t. I guess so much for their true love…..

      • TheFirstWife September 21, 2015 at 12:09 pm #

        I think they all believe we are the wicked wife. Well why wouldn’t they?

        Does any cheating spouse actually say “hey my wife is a great person and she is beautiful and fabulous and caring but hey, you’re hot and I like a little something on the side”.

        I don’t think so. The AP only believes what they are told, true or not.

        In many instances it does not sound like our CS is picking a brainiac type of woman. On the contrary the descriptions of the OW on this blog show a pattern and trend. Much younger in many cases, some APs are serial cheaters, many are also married (no morals) etc.

        So these APs believe the fantasy and lies they are fed. After all why would a married guy/girl who cheats on his wife lie to them? Duh!

        • Strengthrequired September 21, 2015 at 7:23 pm #

          First wife, it’s funny my husband used to tell me how stupid his ow was. Lol. Yet honestly she wasn’t that stupid, she took so much from us, (him). She just acted stupid and a damsel in distress to get him to give her what she wanted.

  33. Tabs September 21, 2015 at 7:23 pm #

    This OW knew my H was married, but pursued him relentlessly. She wasn’t interested in marriage, either. I believe she just wanted the thrill of the chase. And my H being the sh*thead he is, loved being pursued.

    • Strengthrequired September 21, 2015 at 7:26 pm #

      Tabs, I think all of our spouses loved being pursued. Our spouses were getting it from both sides, U.S. And the ap. talk about a boost to their ego.

  34. tryingtomoveon October 1, 2015 at 5:26 pm #

    I’ve been busy for the past several weeks, but still wanted to reply to this post.

    About a year after my H ended his online EA with a little tart in the next state ( Idaho), we were stopped on our backcountry road by construction crews. We were driving our truck with a trailer attached as we were going to pick up several tons of hay.

    As we sat waiting to be flagged on, I looked up and noticed a car with ID tags facing us in the opposing lane, and a car with Washington tags directly facing us in the same lane as we were. They two drivers were talking; the ID car was driven by a woman wearing a backwards baseball cap and a blouse similar to one I’d seen in other photos so graciously provided during their affair and in the WA car, an unknown man. When the woman looked back forward from talking to the guy, she suddenly turned right down a very steep driveway at top speed—just as my husband was laughing through the open window at our friend’s comment about who knows what. Since no one lived in that house at the time, it was pretty obvious she was getting out of our way in a hurry.

    Since I knew she sometimes fishes at a nearby river and also engages in all sorts of fishing activities with a fishing group that sometimes camps at a spot not too far from us (on the road back to ID), I did some Facebook and Google searches over the next few weeks. Sure enough, she posted a laughing photo of herself with a big fish she’d caught on the website of the local fishing tour company she’d mentioned in an email to my H, and another with the group to which she belongs that were fishing at their favored campsite several miles down the road.

    My husband had seen the car dive down the driveway, and thought it was weird, but didn’t see her at the wheel of the vehicle. He, too, wondered about the guy facing us so we couldn’t get by. When I showed him the pics, he offered to draft a note, which he had me email her since he does not want any contact with her. It basically said: stay off our road and out of our lives. I added that I would be visiting her home with the compilation of printed emails that document their affair (which she consistently referred to as “friendship” since they were not sleeping together) to share with her husband, which I had already threatened in a previous email telling her what I thought of her relationship with my husband. A few days later I checked my sources again, and lo and behold the fishy picture was gone from the tour company site; the other photos were still posted since I guess she couldn’t exactly tell her fishing buddies she had bumped into her AP on a back road!

    Believe me, my H’s attitude about seeing her helped a bunch. He’s told me since that he would totally ignore her if they came face to face as he wants NOTHING to do with her. I think he also realized at that point that he was just another guy in her pond since he, too, had met up with her in one of their two “dates” (as she called them) at a fishing site.

  35. Falling Ash October 8, 2015 at 1:47 am #

    Well done Doug! Avoidance was the best course of action, AND you told Linda straight away. That is what I would hope my OH would do.

    During the affair, when they would meet, the OW would ask how I was…maybe that salved her conscience for meeting with MY partner in secret.

    I had fantasies about my OH’s OW being run over by a bus. Or being cheated on by her partner. Which did happen apparently. Oh the irony! Who did she turn to when that happened? Yup! My OH!!!

  36. TryingHard February 18, 2016 at 6:08 pm #

    E. Paulson

    Whhhaaa you say??? It’s obvious English is NOT your first language, nor is intelligence, rational, or logic your strong suit. Cannot follow your gibberish.

    Maybe this way of thinking works in your third world country, Bangladesh probably from the sounds of it, but not here in the US. Perhaps you have to be an OW to put food on your table. Poor thing. Life sucks for losers like you.

    I don’t give two shits what your low life uneducated opinion is of me. Go fuck yourself, everyone else has obviously!!!

    When you can write a grammatically proper sentence then maybe we can talk. Otherwise and until then YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!!! Don’t waste your time. You are nothing more than a dirty cockroach in my world which is MARVELOUS!!!!!!

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