Hello everyone!
Our sincere hope is that this holiday season is a joyous one for you but we do realize that the holidays can be very tough. Therefore, we’re going to continue with the holiday theme again for this week’s discussion.
Since this is the holiday season and is often said to be a time for miracles…
When you go to sleep tonight and you knew that one miracle would occur by the time you woke up, what would you want that holiday miracle to be?
Please don’t be shy and join in the discussion and respond to each other in the comment section. Everybody’s voice and opinion matters and can be helpful to others.
Thank you so much!
Linda & Doug
[wlsp_signup]LINESPACE
28 replies to "Discussion – What is Your Holiday Miracle?"
It isn’t really a miracle but more of a wish. I would wish many of us here who cannot make a decision as to their CS and the EA would be able to make a decision; whether to leave the relationship or stay and work on it. I read the blog and forum and it pains me to read that many BS are stuck in their stay-or-go stage. I know it is hard to decide but for the good of themselves it needs to be done. It is not healthy and making the decision would be a great way to begin the new year.
So my Christmas wish for everyone here is to be strong and make a decision one way or the other and begin your new life.
Battleborn, That’s a good wish. There are so many people that we talk to that are on the fence or afraid to make a decision. It’s tough.
That’s a really great wish!
Wish for a miracle:
Unrelated to betrayal – a cure for diabetes.
Related to betrayal – That my H would be more communicative. That I could truly forgive and quit obsessing about it all – especially the OW.
Justbecause, Thanks for that. Do you suffer from diabetes?
Hi. No, I do not suffer from diabetes. My H does. Type I diagnosed 6 months after our marriage. Many things in life are not fun – including diabetes.
Unrelated to the betrayal…that my and my H’s parents could have a little bit more of their youth back (to suffer less with the ailments of advanced aging;)
Relative to the betrayal…to wake up one day to find that i do not have a marriage scarred by adultery & that it was all a bad nightmare…,or, that my H could begin HIS part of fixing HIS issues of selfishness, so he could really understand my suffering, instead of assuming he knows what i need to continue to push thru this mess from all his bad choices…the era of ‘its all about him,’ would also be long gone…
To be able to forgive, move on and not obsess.
CF, Both my parents and Linda’s are also getting up there in age – in their 80s. Luckily their health is good, but their memories are getting worse and it can make things frustrating at times. We often wonder what we will do if their health starts to fail as we live 3 hours away.
As far as your husband is concerned…do you feel that he might be narcissistic?
Doug, yes, i’ve read up alot on this mental disorder. How a man could begin a PA while his family was in a major crisis involving one of our children, depression & drug use, then take advice from his AP (1/2 his age, in ‘its’ 20s, same as our son,) and then turn his back from me (unbeknownst to me even though we were in the 1st year of counseling,) & continue the affair…? THIS truly is a narcissist (my opinion.) Still
to this day, after all i’ve discovered & all the help i’ve gotten for myself & our marriage (pretty much single-handedly,)! he claims to be now looking into ‘himself.’ 26 months from discovery to still be making statements as to ‘how do you know i wouldn’t have been happy if i chose her?’ …and, ‘how do you know she didnt love me…?’ All this came from me trying to snap him out of one of his ‘woe is me’ moods ( and that mood was NOT anything about the damage he caused relative to the affair drama!)
THAT is not healthy nor questions that should be coming from someone committed to helping me to heal…its still ‘all about him…’ We’ll see…but this is all getting ‘old’ already…how many chances should one give ….?
CF
I saw a funny quote the other day. “Giving someone a second chance is like giving a shooter another bullet because he missed you the first time!” Your H is still shooting at you. Can you get him to read some books on the subject? Maybe he would be happier with her and if so go! There’s the door! When my H decided to return to the marriage because he realized what a bonehead he’d been, I told him if you think you really love her there’s the door. I don’t want you. There was no way I wanted to be with a man if he didn’t want me for whatever reason. Now we don’t have children at home anymore but even if I did, I would eat beans everyday before putting up with that. Take the onus off you and put it on him. Make HIM prove to you that he wants and needs to be with you!
Hang in there sister.
TH, he just picked up his 1st book the other day…”when good men behave badly,”…kept repeating that ‘every page sounds like himself,” and yes, i’ve also shown him the door. Narcissistically, his comment last night after we had the heart to heart about his finally reaching put to get himself help, as i had just mentioned that it truly was all the lies he told me before, during & after all of his inappropriate relationships that were the most cutting, was…”i have a few more lies i have to come clean about,” then he proceeded to tell me how he had used another friend pf ours as an ‘excuse’ to get out of the house earlier twice, to take the psycho/AP surfing, put to breakfast and then they rode into work together…” I then reminded him that unloading his conscience about the ‘things’ they did together was not ‘unloaded off his conscience’ to help me, that was for him. I told him when i ask him a question and want to know something, i’ll ask, as i do not need more details of the lies for his conscience clearing need. I told him he’s got 9 days left in this year to get himself some counseling to ‘fix’ his problem….i reminded him how easy it is to sneak, lie and escape. Getting help IS part of the hard work that needs to be done … H is the ultimate ‘escape artist’ and does everything he can to skirt every issue of what he’s done…and what he continues to do.
I am not planning on spending the rest of my life chasing after him. As i helped my children thru our family trauma while he ran from it, helped my marriage thru the 1st 2 years of this BS he put us thru, and brought myself up out of the ashes from all of this, i can help him…but he has to work AS HARD. That will be his cross to bear and its about damn time he starts something!
You know it’s a funny thing. I have read so many books on this subject and all the stories are the same. In the throes of the EA they think they are “in love” and unique but it isn’t! Everyone’s story is the same. I am currently reading “Not Just Friends” and another book written by the OW. I wanted to read about their perspective and what is going thru their minds now. I can’t remember the name but if you want to know what it is I can try to remember to get the name. It’s on my Kindle. Anyway it has really answered questions that I have and is helping me to understand what the hell happened.
I know about the “escape artist” trait and it’s part of being sneaky and a very good liar. It’s also part of the challenge and adds to the intrigue. This is the part of his psyche that I am afraid won’t change with my H.
I do kind of disagree with you with regards to listening to your H’s confessions. He does need to tell you because you can’t have any secrets. I know it is hard to hear but it will bring you closer together. Just try to listen to him and now this part’s the hardest for me 🙂 Keep you mouth shut 🙂 He’s trying to trust you to let you know he’s been a shit and that you still love him, regardless. It’s better to know the whole truth for both you and him. Yes it is BS and it usually is when someone’s stupid ego is involved.
Merry Christmas CF.
Thx TH, you really made me think…you are right. And up to now, since last night, i have kept my mouth shut…its just that knowing more details, initiates more triggers but i guess thats all part of this mess…in the past, when i found out about something, or somewhere that was soiled by his actions, etc., i had to grieve it, then move past it and put it behind me. I guess this & any new ‘details’ or info is no different to be handled.
Merry Christmas to you and thanks for helping.
CF
I’m so happy you get what I am trying to say and I’m always afraid of sounding too harsh. I know exactly what you are saying. My H took the OW to a restaurant waayyyyyy above anything she had or will ever go to, and when I drive by it I still fume! An ad comes on the television and I fume because it has something to do with her. You know I just see these triggers as an opportunity to. Now it might mean that I will disempower the trigger or I will say “you know what? You are not worth all the aggrevation. ” As much as it hurts, we HAVE to listen. Trust me, I have a real problem with that Keep My Mouth Shut.
We aren’t by ourselves in this. I care and I hope you find peace.
I wish my husband would open his heart to me, drop his resentments and end the lies. Very doubtful though.
If that can’t happen, I wish for a better paying job so I can be financially independent and strength to ask him to leave so I can eventually find someone who will treat me well and really appreciate me. I have been alone for years emotionally and long to share things with someone who is not so self centered.
I feel for you Disappointed. You deserve to be treated well and to be appreciated. Have you spoken to an attorney about your options?
Disappointed
I feel for you. Being in a relationship for financial reasons is awful. I’m sure you feel trapped. I have learned to quit giving my H an opportunity to tell me lies. When I know the truth I don’t give him an option. Sometimes it’s just better to know what the truth is for yourself and just deal with it. Fact is they are liars, good liars. They want to save face. They want to make themselves look good. They want to convince you. We all have to face the fact that no matter what our decision, to stay or go, our spouses are liars. That is a hard trait for them to change. Whether they have sworn undying fidelity to you or not, they are capable of telling big lies.
I hope you find a lawyer that can empower you to make the decision that will give you peace.
I have spoken with an attorney. Whether or not my H would be financially liable for the house is a crap shoot depending on the judge. His name does not appear on the mortgage, so even though it is a marital asset he may not be seen as liable for the mortgage. And not in a position to sell as house has devalued. At least now I am not in danger of paying support to him as I can document payments he made this last year when he had his apartment. He could also get half my 401k if he chooses to be nasty instead of walk away free and clear with his clean slate to start his new and better life.
I wish my soon to be ex husband would leave us alone. He is forever telling me and my boys what to do.
I have recently purchased a tv for my boys for Christmas and he has the nerve to tell me that I purchased a tv that is too small. Its all that I could afford. Why dies he feel that he can still control us????
Rachel,
Um because he’s an a’**hole?!? Tell him to mind his own business! Have a Merry Christmas Rachel 🙂 I bet your boys love the television.
I’m going to put all this aside for a while and concentrate on gratitude for a while. Not what I don’t have or lost, but what I do have. Give your boys a tight squeeze and go have fun with them!
Great idea trying hard!! Enough time and sadness has been spent on him. Time to forget about him and what he has done to our family ! Merry Christmas all!!!
Rachel
Good. He doesn’t get a vote in what you do. He made his choice which made you choose to do right by yourself and your children. You can do it I just know. It’s hard not to take someone’s criticism especially when previously the so much input. The game has changed right?
Have a very merry christmas everyone!
I know my miracle would be it never happened. But we can’t change the past. I did receive my miracle this morning. I found another website and I found on that site the biggest problem most women have is what was wrong with me. I originally thought my husband did the worst thing in the world because she was a friend for 45 years but I realized this morning he saved me from such a big problem. I never lost my self esteem cause I knew her so well. I knew she became addict to prescription pain pills and used him since he has tem but does not take all of them. I know she uses everyone. I know she goes to AA three times a week and says she’s sober she’s just chosen pills over alcohol. I know she was sleeping with four other men. I know she has no self respect for herself. I know she thinks if a man sleeps with her she thinks she’s so special when the truth is she is letting every man use her body. I know a couple years ago at age 47 she slept with a 84 year old man cause she needed to borrow Monet and then was upset cause he took another women on a trip and though she deserved to go she told my husband not me she did not want me to know who she truly is. I know she has always been so jealous of me that show felt she was better then me but I know the truth is she used my information and my husbands to realize are marriage was at a weak point and she went for it. I know it was once and I did not figure it out for a year but my husband has told me how she was so envious of me. He feels she in a crazy way loved me. She was so jealous when she came over and I was not home she would get angry and tell my husband why do you let her buy new clothes she has enough or why do you let her go gambling y
He works hard for his money. She was jealous of me and always will be. My husband has shown me how remorsful he is. But I realized this morning she helped us to get back to the way we were for 20 years. since I knew who she is and always will be I knew I had no reason to be jealous of her I knew its was my husbands self esteem. I knew she had nothing better then me for him to want to leave me for her. It hurt but are marriage is getting stronger everyday and her plan backfired. My husband and myself now appreciate each other again we no longer take each other for granted. I received my miracle a few days early. I have to admit that I could not of made it thru all of this with out Jesus as my savior. Jesus gave me the strength and the wisdom to take what someone meant for harm and turned it into good. I pray that one day everyone on this site me be able to be happy again.
My Christmas miracle came. The EA is further in the past, my H and I are in a stronger relationship, and our first child just started smiling.
To be released from the fear and everydayness of the EA thoughts, I guess that’d be great. Getting closer to that.
My wish would be to wake up from this nightmare of a dream that my husband had an affair! I want the pictures of the two of them together to go away. The realization that he took me for granted about 15 yrs. before the affair and I loved him to much to notice it. My heart has finally 25 yrs. after D-day, realized that he really betrayed me and I feel that he had stronger feelings for her than he is telling me. It still hurts, maybe deeper now than it did 25 yrs. ago. I don’t want to feel the pain anymore of looking at him and realizing what he did to me, but can’t seem to find the courage to sell our house, divide everything after 51 yrs. of marriage and move on. I also wish for the total truth and for him to share it with me, without saying that he has forgotten and put it out of his mind. I don’t buy it! He’s now working on our marriage and trying to save it and I don’t even care anymore what he does. I wish that he tried to show me these things years ago and especially after the affair, that he had true remorse. But nothing that I’m wishing for do I feel will come true, it can’t! The pureness of us having that exclusive relationship that only we had shared since we were 16 will never be again.
On another more sad note. I wish for my 24 yr. old twin grandson, who just had surgery for Testicular Cancer not suffer much through the Chemotherapy or Radiation. I wish that when the CT Scan is read to them this Thursday, Jan. 3rd. that the cancer hasn’t spread and that it’s not in his lymph nodes. He has one more semester of Law School to finish and has already been offered a job. He’s to young and has worked so hard to be in this position right now. I wish God had chosen me to go through this journey, not him! That’s my biggest wish for this year. God, don’t let anything happen to him!