What Do You Do if You Committed an Affair?

Lee Baucom - Save the MarriageWhile perusing the web the other day, I found this great podcast by Dr. Lee Baucom.  Dr. Baucom is a trained therapist, life coach and the creator of the very popular program called “Save the Marriage”.

In this audio recording that lasts just over 40 minutes, Lee talks directly to the unfaithful spouse as to what he/she needs to do to recover from their infidelity – about how to save a marriage after an affair.  Most unfaithful spouses could use a little direction about this, for certain.

Dr. Baucom pulls no punches and certainly speaks his mind in this audio.  It’s certainly straight talk about how to rebuild a marriage after an affair.  What the unfaithful needs to change, how they need to act, what they need to do, etc.

So, You Had An Affair: How To Recover

 

Right click here to download the mp3 file to your desktop.

Notes from the podcast:

4:28 – Affairs come from disconnected marriages.

5:22 – 2 primary types of affairs: 1.)  Those based in addiction  2.)  Those from a disconnected relationship.  Explanation and examples of each.

11:20 – Type 2 affairs are based on disconnection in the relationship combined with lack of boundaries.

12:37 – Descriptions and examples of proper boundaries.

14:15 – Adrenaline connection (infatuation phase) at beginning of relationships is often mistaken for true love and is highly addictive.

16:59 – Why affairs tend to fall apart and what drives the intensity of the affair.

18:56 – Justifications for affairs and misaligned comparisons that get people stuck on affairs.

23:15 – How to break that addictive feel – especially when you don’t want to.

24:53 – To tell or not to tell? Questions to ask yourself to determine your  motivation and desired outcome.

29:11 – Raising your personal standards.

31:00 – Setting the boundaries that protect your relationship and your commitment to the marriage.

33:42 – Becoming transparent to your spouse.  Trust is a gift.

37:37 – Create the reconnection with your spouse.  Finding a place for accountability.

Resources Mentioned in this Session Include…

Save the Marriage System

Previous audio –  for the person who suffered the affair.  (Right Click to download the mp3 file – or listen below)

 

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5 Responses to What Do You Do if You Committed an Affair?

  1. Helen October 6, 2017 at 8:16 am #

    A fantastic podcast. I am a betrayed spouse, but I found listening to this so insightful in understanding what was happening in my partner’s mind before and during his affair and ways in which we can both work to prevent it ever happening again. I wish he had happened upon this podcast this months ago (whilst mid-affair) as I am pretty sure it would have stopped him in his tracks and hopefully even told me what was happening. Dr Baucom makes many really interesting points and speaks clearly and accessibly. I like the fact that he draws upon the experiences of people he has seen in his practice. I’m going to listen to his previous podcast now, aimed at the betrayed spouse. Thank you Linda and Doug for reposting a link to this.

    • Doug October 6, 2017 at 8:53 am #

      You’re welcome, Helen. Personally, I think Dr. Baucom is great and always feel that what he says makes a lot of sense.

  2. Lynn B October 8, 2017 at 12:06 am #

    I love how he explained the basis of the affair fog in scientific terms with the brain hormones – I am planning on sending this to my husband who is guilt-ridden, and remorseful, and may not fully understand the commonality of symptoms – it may relieve some of his pain. This is also good conversation opener for the protection piece. I had an interesting thought – a great self-check for an emotional affair, is answering the question, Was I getting the hit of adrenaline? You can feel and articulate this feeling, and it isn’t abstract – you know has happened. So if a spouse wants to know what lines were crossed, ask your partner, how did you feel inside? Were you all charged up? This is definitely the time to turn around and walk away if you were, and these feelings were being brought about from an outside connection.

  3. Shifting Impressions October 9, 2017 at 3:25 pm #

    I found a lot the information helpful…..in perhaps understanding how someone gets caught up in having an affair.

    But I must say,I disagree strongly in regard to keeping a past affair secret. I have lived that story.

    Dr. Baucom says whether you decide to tell or not…..the decision should be final. Unfortunately life does not always work that way. Who’s to say the “secret affair” won’t come to light, in say fifteen years or so (as it did in my case) ?? Things or secrets have a way of coming to light in the most unexpected ways.

    My question is this..”Is a secret affair really secret”?? After reading so many people’s strories, it appears the BS has strong feelings that something is very wrong with their spouse during this “supposed secret affair”. The disconnect, that Dr. Baucom tells us is assuredly there, preceding the affair….becomes worse. So now, the BS feels the deep chasm of disconnect which her CS most likely denies. Trust me on this…..damage is caused during this time. A BS can feel almost “crazy” during this time.

    Move along a few years….the affair has ended…but yet the BS has wounds from that time that never get dealt with. CS puts it away in a box on the shelf….but deep down knows what he is done. I doubt very strongly that he deals with the cause. So what now stops it from happening again??

    There is a dishonesty there…….I believe it puts a shadow on the relationship….it’s a feeling as a BS that you can never quite put your finger on. Things are good between you but somehow, things never quite feel the same. I’m not quite sure how to explain this, but I have lived this.

    My husband’s EA of fifteen or so years priors came to light one year after d-day of another EA. It came out in the most unexpected way. And suddenly the lights went on….that’s what was going on all those years ago.

    So when I hear someone say….Oh, my partner doesn’t know….I just shake my head. They might not know….but they know something, or probably feel something.

    In my opinion it shows complete lack of respect for the marriage and the BS, when secrets like that are kept. It feels like a complete act of cowardice.

    • Pepper October 18, 2017 at 3:40 pm #

      I am the OW and this is my first time posting on anything like this. I had an EA with a married man online for about a year. We met on Words with Friends. My children had left for college and I was not working at the time and was lonely in my marriage. My husband was also going through a career change. It does not make what I did right. The OM was just so friendly and flattering. I became almost addicted to his attention. We every revealed our true identities and checked out each other’s Facebook page. He said he and his wife never had sex and she was controlling, but I would question why he stayed and he never had a good answer. A month before I revealed everything to my husband because I’d tried to stop in my own and couldn’t, the OM was buying a house with his wife! I would say… if u r so unhappy why are u doing that? He would never have an answer. I have so much regret and feel like such an idiot. My husband is hurt but wants to work on it. He even called the Om and told him never to contact me again, and I haven’t spoken to him since. I still think of him and wonder how he could of told me he loved me and couldn’t live without me (he said I love you first and all the time) is an educated smart woman… I was so foolish. Thank u all for sharing ur stories. I can’t believe I was that person.

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