A little more than a month or so ago we posted our first “Open House” Discussion, where instead of us dictating the topic to address, you all could throw out anything that was on your mind. It seemed to go over quite nicely so we’re going to continue with it on a monthly basis for now.
This is your chance to let it loose without feeling as though you have to adhere to a discussion topic or blog posting.
So, the floor is all yours…
- What’s on your mind?
- Any changes to your situation?
- Do you have any problems or situations that you’d like the community to offer their opinions on?
- Have any successes to share?
- Any good books you’d like to discuss?
- What are you and/or your spouse doing to further the healing and recovery in your relationship?
- What’s working or not working?
- Has your therapist given you any good advice or exercises that the rest of the readers might benefit from?
- What do you like to do in your free time?
- What are some great places to see some beautiful Fall foliage?
- How about that Breaking Bad finale, eh?
I think you get the idea.
Feel free to talk about anything you want. Just try to keep it clean! 😉
Thanks!
Linda & Doug
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LINESPACE
112 replies to "What Do You Want to Talk About?"
I just finished a good book recently. “Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry ” by Albert J. Bernstein, Phd. It discusses the five main personality disorders in a very fun way. You might see your own Vampire, or maybe even yourself in there. It’s also on Kindle for 9.99 but I got mine at Goodwill, lol. $1.99 I think.
Sounds like a good book. I like the title!
I think that just having that book open to read when I visit my in-laws next would be interesting enough!
So we started working on the sessions here last night and I feel we’ve made some real progress. It’s the first night I didn’t go to bed angry. I’m thankful that my husbands EA didn’t last long enough for a real bond to be created. He actually took responsibility for what happened and we started to examine why. We were able to pin point where many of these issues came from. He also realized how ridiculous his reason was. I just feel like a major weight has been lifted off my shoulders. We are going to continue to work through the sessions, but I have to say taking that first step was wonderful. He is generally very resistant to this type of thing, but actually was the one to bring up working on the first session last night.
The main reason I had trouble sleeping last night had something to do with this site (but in a positive way). The OW also apparently had something going on with her massage therapist who is in a Long Term Relationship. I guess he cut her off the same time as my husband. All I could think about was his girlfriend and that she must be going through the same thing I was and that I wish I knew who she was so I could direct her to this community and give her a big hug and let her know she is not alone. That is really what this community has done for me, let me know that I’m not alone in this.
ELS, It sounds like you’ve made some impressive progress in such a short time. It’s very good that your husband is taking responsibility. Keep it up. I’m curious…what sessions are you referring to? Are you doing some sort of program? Sorry if I missed it in one of your previous comments.
We are doing the six month sessions you have posted elsewhere. We started Session 1: “Managing and Coping With the Fantasy of Infidelity” last night. We both read it then discussed how it applied to us.
To understand fully, my husband has a huge distrust of therapists (for reasons that actually applied to why he was able to get involved in an EA). I’ve been asking him for most of the years we’ve been together to see someone because of his upbringing. His mother is a serial cheater, she also has Borderline Personality disorder combined with him only ever meeting his biological father only once who didn’t even acknowledge his presence. When he was a child his mother sent him to a therapist of her choosing. This therapist told an 8 year old boy that it was his fault his mother was the way she was. He obviously has never trusted any since.
I was a bit distrustful about how he would react these sessions, but it would be a start with out his having to see anyone (just yet!). But I was very surprised to see when he was reading it, his head nodding a few times, Once he was done, I sat quietly and let him talk through what he thought, and believe me that was hard to do. But as he talked, you could almost see the wheels turning in his head as he actually realized what he did and why. He ended up confessing to me that his whole life the only way he knew love was if it involved anger and it hurt, because that was how he was raised. With me, there was never that, so when the OW started pursuing him, she added an element of drama and it appealed to him because it felt natural and he knew how to deal with that. He also admitted that he has a tendency to narrow his focus only on the negative things in life (even before this happened) and he had decided to dwell on something small I might have done and then blew it up so he felt better about what he was doing. The analogy he used was like being in a lush forest and only seeing the one dead tree and deciding the whole forest was dead.
For my part, when he would get negative like this, my defense mechanism would kick in. Instead of telling me what was upsetting him, he would let it build up to the point he forgot everything else and the confront me in anger. My response would to be automatically defend myself because I felt I was being attacked. We talked about the times when he told me things that upset him in a non-confrontational way and realized I reacted completely different. So we realized too that we need to work on our communication styles with each other and try not to be so confrontational/defensive.
So to sum up, after last night, he was finally able to take full responsibility for what he did, we actually figured out what the underlying causes were and he is becoming more open to therapy. We will continue to follow through the full 6 month course and then, I hope he will be comfortable enough with this to actually visit a therapist in person to deal with his childhood issues.
Great stuff, ELS. Thanks for sharing.
An issue for me at the moment is that I am considering a new job 500 miles away from home. I may not be offered it but we’re having to have detailed discussions now as if an offer comes in we won’t have much time to consider it.
Regardless of all the usual issues that go with relocating, as a previously BS, I have serious concerns with trust. My H wouldn’t be able to move with me for some time for logistic and his own job reasons.
Because of what he did I have little confidence in leaving him home alone. He understands this and that he caused this by his crappy actions.
It’s certainly exercising me at the moment.
Job relocation can always be a source of major stress. It’s unfortunate that you have to toss in the issue of trusting your husband into the mix and for it to be a major deciding factor as to whether or not you take the job.
It has been 3 months since D-Day and while I have seen some improvement I am still so overwhelmed at times. My H seems to have little patience for my meltdowns and says things like “I knew you wouldn’t be able to get over it.” My response is if you knew I wouldn’t be able to get over it then why on earth did you do it? Maybe he thought he wanted out but when I showed him the door, he decided the big bad world was a scary place especially with half your income. I just want “my” world to be better. I do not like having all these emotions swirling around and not being able to control them. So advice people, what are the best tools, tricks etc to feel your emotions but not be out of control. As I said my H seems to have little patience for my process while he asks for plenty of time for his own. Selfishness again dare I say. I do fear that he will just not be man enough to withstand the fire storm he created and if that is the case and he leaves then I will have to accept that me and the kids will be better off without someone that can’t handle what he started. Whew this whole things just SUCKS!!!!!
You already sound so together. Coming here was probably your best move . Listen to what you hear. Some of it may hurt. Situations may be different but the story remains the same. We’ve been there, empathize, will offer suggestions and insights. But it seems to me already your strength shines through.
Has your husband considered the effect of his actions on his children?
Theresa, right after DDay my husband actually said these words to me “I think I could tell the girls and they would be ok with what I did because I didn’t have sex.” We have three daughters, 2 are 18 and 1 is 21. In what world would a father really believe that since sex wasn’t involved his kids would be just fine with it. Of course now he is terrified that the kids will find out, but I believe they know. I think the selfishness that these cs display is absolutely terrible. I don’t know that my children would ever forgive him. Such a terrible place to be in.
SOS – my H said (and occasionally says) the exact same things: “I knew we should have just split up. I knew you weren’t going to be able to let it go.” blah blah blah. That’s just them not facing what they did, which you seem to already know. I’ve been where you are, and it sucks to be blunt. Not sure if you’ll get this since it’s old now, but be strong. My H also thought he wanted out fo the M and then changed his mind. It’s been nearly 3 years since DDay 1 and 2 since DDay 2 (found out many more lies, including the exchanges of ILY between them).
In my house, those comments meant he didn’t want to deal with it, because there was more to deal with. I can’t say that for you obviously, but I can say that you do what you need. Remember, they know they screwed up and they changed their minds about staying. Your H may not want to deal with it and he may never do any work, so you need to decide what you’ll accept.
For me, my H wouldn’t do any of the ‘classic’ things that I wanted. Then I realized he had changed so much since DDay. His actions, his attitude towards me, everything was different, and very much for the better. He really did change because we’re this far out and the changes are still there.
You may need to pay attention to his actions and not his words. If the changes are there then pay attention to them. If not, and he’s just avoiding it all, then you do need to decide what to do.
I’m sorry you’re in this place. I’ve been there, and it’s bad. You’ll be ok no matter what your decision is. Just remember that.
Sadsomuch…….First of all 3 months is a tiny amount of time when getting over the pain of an EA. It is only the very beginning of the healing process. Experts say 2-5 years to recover from an affair…..I’m at year 3 and still suffer (although of course not as much) from the aftermath of my husbands affair. Your husband is being selfish because it isn’t about him anymore…it’s about you and your needs now. In order for you to heal he has to step out of the box and become your healer…something that is very hard to do. You are only at the beginning of understanding what he has done and this is affair basics 101. No contact with the affair partner…ever again. He has to be open and honest and answer all of your questions over and over again because that is how you put the puzzle pieces of your life back together again. He has to be man enough to put his needs aside and listen to how much he has hurt you and acknowledge the fact, He has to be totally transparent, you must have access to his cell phone, his social media passwords, his email accounts, etc, He has to fill in all of the blanks during the time the affair occurred because for you that timeframe wasn’t your reality. You thought one thing was going on when actually it wasn’t. He has to be truly sorry and completely remorseful and tell you that as many times as you need to hear it …..and all of that is only the beginning. NO ONE gets over an affair in 3 months although our cheating spouses would like nothing better then for that to happen. Your husband is being selfish. He has been caught and rather then do what’s right and what is needed to help you heal he would like to neatly sweep it under the rug and pretend it has gone away. Sorry partner not that simple. You are a victim of one of the cruelest things anyone can do to another human being. The one person you trusted to hold your heart with care, to have your back has just stabbed it and hurt you to your very core. It’s not about him …it’s about you. So read up on what this whole recovery thing is about. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass was one of my favorites. Hold on because you are about to begin a life changing event. Bottom line…he can follow the path to a successful new marriage or try and make you feel like it’s your fault and not talk about it. I will tell you that it is possible to save your marriage…many here have, including me but it comes with a price and it only comes with a lot of hard work by both of you. YEARS of hard work…not 3 months like your husband thinks.
Broken2-Thanks so much for the response and that is how I feel like he has hurt me to my core. I am not sure which path he will choose because he is not one that is very willing to do the inner work that this process is going to take. I guess time will tell. No matter what I want my life to be better, whether he remains in it or not. I want to come out the other side a better person for having gone through this. I guess that’s the only thing that keeps a person putting one foot in front of the other. The support from this place has been like a life line. People sharing their stories makes me know I am not alone.
Sadsomuch……I use to read the books I got to my husband because in many ways he was clueless (absolutely not making excuses for him) and that helped him to open his eyes as to what he did and needed to do.
Mine is not very receptive to it but maybe with time that will change. He admits he screwed up but thinks sorry should cover it. Unfortunately that barely scratches the surface.
Sadsomuch, it can take quite some time for particularly resistant men/women to allow this, Mine was also initially resistant, but a lot better than most I have read about. I had been asking him to come to MC with me, I knew something was “off” – but had no idea about an affair, and he lied and said we were wonderful, what was wrong with ME to think that? – DURING his sexual and emotional affair of more than a year. After Dday, he was much better about opening up to the idea of it, still didn’t like it, but realised where he wanted to be, and that meant he needed to put my needs ahead of his own for the first time ever, at least for a while, maybe forever after what he chose to do, and that is the problem, if they are still a bit on the ledge, and many are, haven’t fully jumped to one side or the other (sad, and awful for the betrayed) they are not ready to accept this form of help. Give yourself manageable time frames, small chunks of time that you can get through, to see subtle changes, to regather YOURSELF. It can take some time. Mine was really good about most things (the affair was completely over when I was informed of it) BUT he point blank refused to change his mobile number – for two years! Then one day, he just did it. It was INCREDIBLY frustrating – this was the only method of contact she had, other than if she physically drove to us, and I told him it would starve her of oxygen, really sijmple, we could have cut her off completely two years earlier than he did – I feel confident he wasn’t contacting her at all, but he did reply, telling her to eff off, and I was tracking all of this, and he showed me it all, he was transparent with it all, but he could have just stopped it by changing his number – idiot! At first, I am sure the contact was part of the letting go process, then the bunny boiler came out BIG time, and he felt he could “manage” her. It took two years for him to realise there was no management, just asphyxiation! I can’t tell you the damage that did. But there are steps they take, SLOW steps, if you can just manage to get through today, then maybe a week, then maybe even a month….or two. But I gave myself a year. If it was no better, then make some decisions, doesn’t mean I coped well – I didn’t, so I broke that year into two hours here, a day there, a week there. I didn’t want to throw away what might again be a good relationship, IF there was a chance, and I knew I needed to get my ducks in a row, draw breath, and THINK. I had advice that said do not do anything drastic in the first year, as you are running on pure adrenaline, and that is very true. I wish you all the best, this is the shittiest ride I have ever been on!
Oh, his biggest regret -other than sticking his dick in a dirty $#^^& – NOT changing his number immediately. He shakes his head in disbelief at that “controlling” instinct, knows why now, but wishes he could bash some sense into that idiot!
Thanks Paula-small chunks seems more reasonable to manage. I told him we would evaluate the situation in January and I would not make any life altering changes till then. Our 22nd anniversary is this weekend and it sure doesn’t seem like much to celebrate. I don’t know if he is truly in or not that is why I put a 6 month timeframe in place. I am hoping by then the picture of future or not will be much clearer. Prayers to all on this journey.
Happy 22nd wedding anniversary, mine was back in April. The big 22.
Last year on our 21st wedding anniversary, he was still in the throws of the ow. Thankfully though we had a wonderful anniversary, we went away for the weekend, and I believe that was our second stage of getting each other back more closer, the first was the day he moved home.
I will say though, I didn’t feel much like celebrating this year though because in the height of all the craziness of the previous year, it wad just a drain.
Try and enjoy yourself, and I do hope that you both see that 22yrs is worth fighting for. I would probably suggest getting som of your older photos of the both of you together, and when you were happier and so very much in love and draw on that reconnection.
My h when I did that it brought back so many memories for him, and he as ever so grateful that I showed him what alot of memories we shared and all good.
That was at the very beginning of his ea, before he moved back home. he was home not long after.
He had even mentioned to his sister, how nice it was and how much it touched his heart i did that for him.
Paula, I have to agree with what you said, it is a long drawn out process, it never seemed to get an ending.
Having to deal with a cousin it, and my h not wanting to just say f/off even after she tried to rip our family apart, belittled me, shoved her affair with my h in my two oldest children’s faces deliberately, took advantage of getting any money she could off my h, then watching him struggle to pay for his own bills, struggling to pay for business bills, watching him trying to save his business and his self respect, and then once she came back into money, she couldn’t even give him the money back. He still kept seeing her, still kept calling her babe, still couldn’t tell her to p.off in case he hurt her feelings, all because she is family.
It gets me to ever understand why he even cared she was family, because family don’t do this.
I asked him a week ago, if she calls you ever again, I would like to know that you would tell me and not keep it secret, I would also like to know that you would tell her to p.off and for her never to call you again.
His reply, whether she calls or not it shouldn’t be a problem, she isn’t going to get what she wants. He said however he will not answer her calls, unless by accident he answered a private call, he still won’t tell her to p.off because he doesn’t want to hurt her by saying that, he would prefer to speak nicely an tell her in a better way not to call.
Well, it all has to do with her being a cousin, that’s why he won’t be nasty to her. That in itself p me off. She just doesn’t deserve the title family.
What does a person have to do to another person for them to get their disrespect. She did so much but he wont with her because his reputation in his family.
Yet I have been his family for a long time, and because I wasn’t blood related he threw me under a bus for her, he would talk nasty to me, he would for the first time ever come dday, stare at me with hatred in his eyes and heart.
Yet he couldn’t do that to her. Not even if she starts calling him again wanting to be with him. He would just prefer to ignore her in the hopes she would go away and get the hint he doesn’t want her.
he said, if I ignored you wouldn’t you eventually get the hint, I said, I have more self respect an dignity than what your cousin it has, she isn’t normal.
I honestly believe, if she wasn’t family it would have been easier to get rid of her, and he would have told her to p.off without a second thought of wanting to be nice and just ignore.
My husband never left home even when I threatened he would leave in a body bag! I know not nice but sometimes my mean side comes out. I do believe if he ever walked out the door I would shut it, lock it and do the same with my heart. Our children are all over 18 so I would never have to speak to him again. I told him that once and he looked so wounded and I said what did you expect? I really have days where divorce seems like the only option. Sad but I giving it till January like I promised. The offer is null and void if he contacts the f$&ning c$Nt in coveralls-it’s then on to divorce court.
I’m just venting here but at the moment I’m having a real ‘HATRED’ of the OW moment. I don’t really know where it comes from but it’s probably the stress related to having to think about our future together. I have been considering on my long drives home how to exact some sort of revenge on her as she seems to have just got away scot free from all of this. I can’t imagine that she’s having to worry about the fallout from what she and my H did.
I think I realise that it’s easier to actively hate her when really I am so bloody angry that what my H did just because he wanted to still affects me and my life so long after the event. He’s a prize shit for what he’s inflicted on us.
Hopefully I feel better for that and won’t post her one of my dog’s ‘offerings’ as a christmas present.
Chiff, I know exactly how you feel! I seldom think of that nasty slut, and certainly am not jealous, but it is always when I’m pissed off about something else. It erks the hell out of me that this slut suffered no ill effects of her actions… I hope she is as big a loser as he says she is, and is doing HORRIBLE.
Giz and chiff, I know how you both feel. Every time I think of cousin it, I get so much hate or her, I think she got away scot free too, and I wonder how these women can cause so much lingering pain to our families and live life like normal, while our whole world as we knew it was taken away an replaced with a new world that is uncertain.
Why is it we continue to suffer and they just keep getting away with being so cruel.
I am 2+ years out, and I still hate the OW. She dishonored me and my family. She wanted what I had, and had no regard for me or my girls in going after what she wanted. She was/is a selfish whore. Will I ever forget or forgive what she did? Absolutely not (she has never asked me for forgiveness, anyway). I could have ruined her reputation online, as well as tell everyone that I know what she really is (we live in a very small town). But ultimately, I know that I can never hurt her the way that she has hurt me, and, most importantly, I never want my daughters to think that I am a pig like her. There is no justice – another thing that I just have to accept.
I’m the OW and I will only speak for myself and say that I’ve suffered a great deal. I don’t blame anyone else for my actions nor did I plan on ever being in a EA/PA. I’m in counseling and have been able to truly apologize to the BS after she confronted me. What I’m struggling with now is I’ve received a message from the AP’s friend. The message was that he continues to think about me and wishes he could be the man he wants to be. My response to his friend was that I don’t want to receive any messages in the future. I was first shocked then angry and remain angry. It’s been about 2 1/2 years since any type of contact. I don’t know if I should inform his wife of this or not. Just to be clear I don’t want any type of relationship with him so informing his wife is not a ploy to wanting him back in my life.
In the wife’s place I’d want to know that my H was trying to contact the OW through a ‘friend’. How sly.
I agree with Chiff. I’d want to know. And it might also send a clear signal to your AP that you don’t want anything to do with him.
Tell her
Struggling, if it was your h and your h was sending inappropriate messages in any way shape or form to another woman, would you want know? Or would you prefer to be kept in the dark?
If his friend is giving you these messages then you need to inform the cheating spouses wife, that these messages are coming through the friend. If it was a hand written note to your from the cheating husband then I would write a note to his wife explaining how you received it, what and how you responded to his friend to her in the letter, and also attach the note to your letter, so she has the proof. Let her know that you are not responding to her husband and that, that part of your life is over in relation to her h, you and only informing her of her husbands intention to restart things with you, even though you have moved on and have no interest in starting anything back up with her h, that you have no interest in being the side choice of any mans intention of have his cake and eating it too. You have worked hard to get on with your life and enjoy not having a complicated, demoralizing relationship with a man that will continue to hurt his family, and that you have regretted ever getting with him in the first place.
Maybe this will even get back to her h (no doubt) and he will get the point that you aren’t interested.
Maybe also he will think twice about having a friend do his dirty work, and his wife will see the true extent to which his friend is willing to go, to help her husband continue to carry out inappropriate behaviour, when his friend should have been a friend and make him see that what he is doing and wanting to do is wrong, and will just hurt him and his wife and children in the long run.
Cc Similar discussion here just a different benefit. Part of my H unhappiness is work related. A few months ago he got an offer for a new job ( seemed like perfect working conditions , little less income!) it would mean him starting 250km away. I would not be able to continue my job there, it would mean loss of my income, two years of schooling before I could gain the same income, selling a just finished house moving the kids… I was ready to make the jump just to get rid of the OW. But he’s afraid of the financial / social loss ..,
Now I feel stuck with this OW. In for a night out with the girls( just heard she’ll be there as we’ll , kids sports tomorrow , we’ (
Sorry, mobile wouldn’t take the nice little devil I had chosen to depict the Big Bi$£.
So to come back. BB and I are the mom’s driving; sat evening dinner and “we” are the only two women at our table….And because of her narcism and power on the job I have to keep quiet. Grrrr….
Any tips on managing the everlasting social encounters. All professional advise STAY AWAY what if that is not an option…,
SSM keep hanging in there . I’m 2,5y from DD and it took a DD 2 to make my point! Two years of regaining myself and slowly moving out of the fog. No permanent decisions before you feel strong enough to walk away head up high. I told my self Nothing would be different if I Devorce next year or now. But there will be no coming back if I do. So as long as I still have some good feeling about my H and our relationship I’ll give it it’s chance. And you do get stronger along the road…
Struggling, I agree with Chif in that I think you should tell his wife. If possible, just forward her the email so you dont have to explain or interpret, etc. If she is a “friend” and you dont want him, I can’t see any reason not to do it. if you think you are “protecting” her, trust new you’ re not. Contrary to what AP seen to think, none of us wants to be married to a Whore who is pursuing other women. A major hallmark of affairs is keeping secrets, so if you are still keeping his, ask yourself Why . It sends the message that you will not tell and keeps the door open for further contact. BTW, What are you questioning about keeping this a secret? Just curious.
Heck yes you should send that to his wife……really you can’t hurt her anymore more then you already have and she deserves to see what a lying snake her husband is. The ONLY reason you wouldn’t send it is if you are still interested in this loser. I would want to know if my CS had done this.
On the question of whether the OW suffers: for months after my D-day, I was so angry that the OW got away scot-free while I and, most unbearably, my children suffered the fallout. (She did get a tongue-lashing from me — her only punishment.) Some of you know that she even waltzed back in to my university last year, performing a big recital, and there were posters of her lovely face all over campus. I mean ALL over. I saw them EVERY day.
But karma did strike: her estranged H has been having a very, very public and ongoing affair with a celebrity performer who happens to be my exact age, i.e. 12 years older than the OW. This celebrity is also a mother of three kids about the age of my three kids, and was at the time that she met the OW’s H playing the role of a character who grew up in the same town where I grew up. Can you say spooooooky????
The OW apparently messed around with married men throughout their marriage, and then got embarrassed — I mean via global media, worldwide-embarrassed — when her H said their marriage had been over for a long time and was very publicly and obviously happy with his new love. I’m not saying what her H did was right; clearly it is wrong, wrong, wrong. But did I enjoy a big dose of schadenfreude? You betcha. Karma is, in fact, a bitch. It may take Karma a little while to catch up with the OW, but eventually she will. And is it sick of me to find that just a little bit fun to watch?
Maybe that would be a good thread to have.
When karma hits the ow, and you see or hear about it.
Is it nasty if I would often read that thread in admiration to all you lucky ones that get to finally have justice done.
At the moment I wonder if it will ever happen to my h iw and if it does will I ever hesr about it. I would lovemto be able to hear about it, really spiteful huh?
Carol, enjoy seeing your h ow, enjoying a good dose of karma. Well deserved karma I say, and how earily similar to what she did to you. Hmmmmm.
I guess it shows exactly how “what goes around comes around”
Carol
This is indeed Karma. I’m happy you got to observe it. The OW in my life is dying of cancer. Incurable, the worst kind of cancer, stage 4. She was sick and ignored the symptoms. She took advantage of people and never depended on herself or took care of herself. I feel bad for her family and do not want to relish in her misfortune BUT am I unhappy that she will finally be gone forever without ANY threat of her return in our lives, YES. Is that going to bring me bad Karma—maybe. I’m praying that I learn forgiveness because that is what’s right, but she has done NOTHING to ask me for forgiveness or shown any kind of remorse for the role she played in taking advantage of what was mine. To me she is a criminal. She stole from me with no conscience. She’s already lost pretty much everything. She’s alone, no insurance, drive a rattle trap car, owes lots of money, is back at her crappy job and now a serious health issue. If that ain’t bad Karma I don’t know what is. No thanks. I’m going to try and do what’s right.
Carol, when the OW choose the behavior, they choose the consequences. Enough said. Enjoy the Karma Train, I’d say.
I received the message in person from his friend not via an e-mail. She’s not a friend of mine and I’m hesitant because I don’t think she’ll believe me. The reason I think this is when she confronted me she was told by her husband that I pursued him and I made all the plans of the affair encounters. I didn’t defend myself, didn’t think I had the right to. I wasn’t protecting him or his lies to her so he could make himself look better. I didn’t want to hurt her anymore that I already had.
Let her know, whether she believes you or not, her h is acting badly. She deserves to know. Maybe even say in a note to her, that” you aren’t expecting her to believe you, its up to her with what she does with the information, but you believed she should know. Let her know you have nothing to gain, except a clear conscience. Let her know you have been hesitant in letting her know, because you thought it would be easier to just ignore it, but were concerned if you did that, then he would continue with the messages, and you just wanted them to stop, because you no longer want this man in your life. Yet yo
I would probably also mention that you are not sure whether hismfriend is telling you the truth, that the message has actually come from her husband or his friend (name the friend) was just trying to cause trouble.
Struggling, regardless of the circumstances, in person, email, she wont believe you, etc. this is still a test if you will keep his secret or not, which it sounds like you will. 90% of affair partners put the blame on someone else, so no surprises there.
Struggling, I don’t know HOW / IF you should tell her. Pardon my caution in believing your sudden altruism; but in my case the OW means she apoligized but it’s one big lie. So I’m not sure I would want to get the info from her. It would still feel like she would want to clear her name and in revenge create more trouble in our marriage by letting me feel he’s still not out of the fog. If it really hit you how great the damage is you caused and you never want to get in such mess again maybe it’s your chance to make it clear to him AND his friend (for me the messenger friend is just as bad!) that this is not the way to “be the man he want’s to be” unless he want’s to BE cheater not only behave like one. If he wants out of the marriage he should just leave! not just jump after he found some safetynet. Maybe, just maybe, you setting him straight might really wake him up and make him think of what he really want’s…
If you really mean it, you should give your answer in a very clearcut way, no emotional plea. I would threaten to foreward his request and your answer to his wife if he ever tries this again.
I’m not sure I would want to know every up and down detail my H went through in getting out of the fog. But I would have liked someone to wake him up. We (BS) are usually not the best placed person. you’re not either but might have more impact just now. This so called “friend” should have done it in my opinion….
If she contacts him, isn’t she doing EXACTLY what she is not supposed to do? Affair partners dont seem to be too good at “straightening each other out” from what we’ve seen. I’d still say either inform the wife, or TOTALLY ignore it. just my opinion.
I think that if it’s not practical to let his wife know then ignoring it and telling ‘friend’ to quit passing on such messages as you’re not interested in what he thinks or feels and haven’t been since you got your act together and quit him.
I agree that Struggling needs to maintain no contact with the scumbag CS at all costs but she can certainly make this friend stop acting as a seedy conduit for his crappy messages.
True… But I don’t understand what role the ” friend” is playing, maybe he’s the one to answer to, making it clear ‘no more contact’ or all is told to the BS,( including the friends part in the story) gives him a last chance to wake up.. Telling her might destroy that, if he’s a born cheater it’ll come out anyway…
Can I ask what this friend who told you is like? I only ask this because I’ve know a few “friend” types who love to stir shit up. Not defending the husband, but being on the receiving end of a “friends” shit stirring antics, part of me wonders if he was just confiding in the friend that he still holds feelings for you and told his friend in confindence and if the friend just enjoys passing it along because they get some kind of thrill out of it. This is also a good reason not to contact the wife. I had an ex-friend who take what someone said in confidence about someone else, twist it just a bit then tell the other person to see what kind of drama would flare up.
I think the “friend”is just a way to try to establish contact while still being able to say “hey, I didnt do anything wrong, I didnt contact her, he/she did.” Also he could deny any responsibility if she tells the wife. Again, just my thoughts.
Thats possible the friend is wanting to cause trouble, but 2 1/2 years later is a looong time to still be discussing feelings for your affair partner.
I agree. Who is the third (or fourth) party? Troublemaker
or friend?
Either way, something is going on and the wife is once again going to get hurt.
I’d want to know. For me, he’s guilty until proven innocent.
Els1976 same doubts about the friend here …
btw struggling what was your initial reaction to the messages?
Sorry, just reread your post. Why angry? Angry towards who?
I have to say, I don’t usually post a lot on this site, but I do read all your comments, I want to thank all of you. This site truely helps me to understand that I’m not the only one feeling crazy sometimes about this awful situation.
I know it also crazy but , I offen think about the OW too, and I would really love to know she has suffered in some way. She was a HS GF to my H, they hadn’t spoke or seen each other in 25 yrs, then found him on FB, they communicated through FB and texting only, she also lived in a different state. I did text her once I found out, and she acted like they were just old friends… ( I read his FB, they were more than just friends) she tried to get info out of me on my relationship with my H. She also made sure that I knew of some personal things she was aware of, that he told her. To this day, its the thing that bothers me the most. That he could tell her such personal things,he states he didn’t mean too, and regrets everything. Its almost 1 year since DD and I still can’t get through a day without wondering why.
I wonder if the OW gets some kind of satisfaction from knowing that after 25 yrs she can get my H attention from just sending him a Fb message. It hurts so much
Hi, Lost, I always enjoy hearing from “new” people . Am I correct in thinking your husband has not actually seen his girlfriend since high school? If so, he probably has an image in his head of her as a teenager, even if he has seen photos. And if he has seen photos, they were probably doctored, or at least ones she finds especially flattering.
Hi Lost, sorry you have to be here too. I must be very strange because I never want to know what my H person looked like. I think in my mind she must be very beautiful and I am afraid if I find out I won’t be able to get past it. I ask him one time to only tell me what she looked like if she was an ogre. As with so much in the process, its a no win situation. If they are very pretty, we have to live with that, if they are very ugly with have to live with the fact that our H destroyed our lives for something ugly. No win. I also hate the fact that my H shared details of our marriage with her. Her marriage was crappy because her husband was cheating on her so why on earth would she put another woman through that pain. Tsk Tsk. I will never understand what makes people make the horrendous decisions that they do but I guess that’s why I am the BS not the CS.
Gizfield, you are right, he hasn’t seen her since HS. And, she wasn’t even a GF, just someone he dated 1 time, I think that was the issue for her, she never got over him, so sad, she has a son but not married, SO , I think she was hoping my H was available.I did see her pictures on Fb, not what I thought my H would consider attractive, she is by no means pretty, but I guess at the time she was giving him the attention he was looking for. I think she was trying to create more problems then what we had, but I guess I am lucky that this situation also open my H eyes to what he has with me, we have been together 18yrs, 2 kids, Now he is much greatful for his life and regrets everyday what he did. Although, I still re live all the moments in my head, and it still hurts
Strength, isn’t the idea that “you reap what you sow” from the Bible? It’s nothing new that the consequences of what you do come back to you. there is nothing wrong with not feeling bad about someone getting what they brought upon themself .
Giz, I think you reap what you sew is another good saying. So dinges I think I shouldn’t say anything bad, or hope that the ow gets what she deserves, incase it throws back into me. The way I feel lately, with how we keep trying to recover from this, in so many ways, financially and mentally, is I don’t dare say anything that could make it worse on us.
I feel she hasn’t suffered, and we keep suffering and trying to cope with the hand we were dealt. It seems unfair, but no matter how much I hate this ow, it’s like god forbid I say it out loud.
Sorry just feeling a bit low today. Wondering when this will ever end. When will I finally have my life back, my marriage back without being apart from my h almost all week every week.
Gosh I’m such a weakling today.
You are definitely NOT a weakling, Strength :~). The weaklings are the cheaters, especially the ones who are too stupid/morally corrupt to see or admit what they did is wrong. Not us. Them.
Thanks giz, at times I do feel weak for letting this shit get to me. Mist days I’m pretty good “now” but then there are days like yesterday, where I have doubts, I worry, and I just get p.off with everything and anything to do with the ow and p.off knowing that there will always be a connection between my h and her, and who knows when she tries this again.
I guess I feel weak because I at times let thus get to me, when I should be working on me and not letting this over run my mind and giving her power over how I look, feel and think about myself.
I really could use some advise.
The ex keeps involving our 17 yr old son with the divorce.
Bringing up past happenings of how I had a difficult time understanding his affair.
The ex told him the amount of alimony and child support. Something he doesn’t need to be involved with.
The ex also told him that I keep getting him involved with the court.
Of course my son doesn’t understand why I don’t want him back because now he wants me back.
His excuse to our son is that it takes him a long time to realize he made a mistake.
I want to move forward, we need healing. Pulling my son back into that hole isn’t helping him.
HELP!
Oh, boy. It seems to me that what your ex is doing is a symptom of the same problems that led him to have an affair. Namely: selfishness, immaturity, and boundary issues. It is selfish of him to involve your son. It’s immature of him to talk to your son about these things; he should recognize that he’s an adult and your son is not. It’s a serious breach of boundaries to speak to a child (he’s 17, but still a child, and a child of the former marriage) about the divorce, the details of it, his feelings, etc. Would the ex listen at all if you asked him gently, for the sake of your son, to bring questions and issues to you or your attorney and not to involve your son? If you presented this request out of concern for your son, not for yourself, would he listen? When your son brings these things to you, would you be able to say gently that sometimes when people are going through a difficult time, they don’t censor their statements as they should, and that these issues, difficult as they are, are properly between you and your ex, and not your son, you, and your ex?
As a child of divorce, I can also say that once I became an adult, it was crystal clear to me who had taken the high road and who had not. My mother never said one bad word about my (lying, cheating, self-destructive) father to me. Not one. (She must have bitten her tongue till it was bloody.) When I became an adult, and realized what that cost her, and how she’d put me and my well-being first, I loved and respected her all the more for it.
I feel for you. It’s tough when an adult (your ex) doesn’t act like one!
Thank you carol. Yes, I have asked him not to mention anything about the divorce to our son and he said,” it’s not like he’s 10 hrs old. He’s mature for his age “.
He just doesn’t get it.
I had just
Been thinking that I hadn’t seen much from Linda lately. You are a source of calm for me (some envy too).
The trust issue is HUgE! When did the collective you KNOW you had the truth? Down to your soul? Do you ever really know? Can you live without hope?
I’m envious too Theresa, of not just Doug and Linda, but all of those betrayed spouses that have their cs working tirelessly hard to make amends for their wrong doings, being with each other everyday. I’m envious because although we are together, we are still apart, and at times I don’t know what to think.
Yet all I know is that I’m so happy for all of you who are getting their lives back on track, you all deserve it so much, each and everyone of you.
theresa, I know I haven’t been around very much, unfortunately I haven’t been home much either. I am having a very busy year, I am hoping that things will calm down soon so I can focus on my family again. I go to bed and wake up thinking about school, and that puts stress on our life. So right now I am working on creating a balance and trying to remember everything I have learned in the last five years. The most positive outcome from the last five years is that Doug has learned even more and is doing everything he can to take care of me, and be patient and understanding. I couldn’t ask for anything more.
As far as trust, after going around and around for several years about the details, the affair, etc. I made a choice to separate the two. I knew that I probably would never know the whole truth and I wasn’t sure if I really could handle it. The continual questioning about the petty details and timelines and the responses of “I don’t know or remember” from Doug took a toll on our healing.
Eventually I was fed up with it all and had to make a choice, I decided to focus on the present and what Doug was doing at that time to build trust in our marriage. I had to put the affair and the OW behind us and begin healing our marriage. It was very difficult for me to do this, because it was somewhat of a safety crutch for me and it wasn’t like a switch turned off and I stopped thinking about the affair. It was long, gradual process, but in order to move forward it had to be done.
I live with great hope that we will have a wonderful, loving future. We have put in so much work to get there. Now when I think about the affair, I think about it as something really stupid that Doug did during a difficult time in his life, it was all about him. After all this time I am able to separate it from me and us, even though it greatly affected both. It is just healthier for me to keep it there but also realize how fragile a relationship can be and how much work is involved to keep it strong.
I have come away from this experience with so many lessons and insights, the challenge is to keep moving forward with all this new knowledge and not to regress back to the way things were before the affair.
My heart goes out to each and everyone of you.
My wife cheated on me for approximately 2 years, almost all of which was platonic flirting but with one night of sex mixed in. They thought they were in love. How cute.
It’s been about a year since dday and things are much better. She has left the fog (it took her about 4 months from dday) and has no contact with the OM.
I don’t think I did anything special to get us back on track. I was honest with her when I was hurting and we had many yelling fights. I was, and still am, so vulnerable about the situation, and sometimes that comes out as anger. I still have obsessive thoughts and get depressed but at least I’m confident in my wife’s fidelity again.
It took her a while for her to acknowledge my pain and truly apologize to me. She has come around, but ultimately that is only because she chose to do so. I can’t make her love me or make her stay committed. That’s her choice. That’s scary, because it’s the key to the success of the relationship and it’s almost entirely out of our control.
What I have to do is remember to continue to forgive her. It is not a one-time thing. She continues to earn forgiveness in her actions, and I have to continue to give it, even when I’m hurt and sad about the past. And I’m sure yall know that the pain and sadness do come frequently, almost every day, but for less and less time each day.
I’ve been working on finding my own peace and happiness and I’m fortunate my wife is healing herself and our relationship as well. Otherwise I would have to move on, no matter how much I love my wife. That would be hard for me. I don’t know if I’m that strong.
Again my heart goes out to everyone, especially those whose spouses aren’t willing to do what it takes to heal the relationship. It takes a lot of strength to decide what to do in that situation.
Hi Bob,
Thanks for this comment, as there aren’t many husbands who have posted on here. My wife had an EA for a relatively short time (5 months), but luckily they didn’t meet. However, the pain and hurt you describe is still there. But Linda’s post above is something each of us should try to emulate in order to bring our marriages to a better place.
Sorry you are here, but there are great people who are going through the same experience who have some great advice! Hang in there!
Bob, can I ask what exactly your spouse does to help your healing? My H is doing some little things but I swear I still feel like I am living with a stranger. He doesn’t talk about what went on, nor does he talk about the feelings that lead to us being disconnected. He has said from the beginning that he is responsible for what he did but I guess I just feel like he should be doing more. I am trying to see the very short lived EA as a sign to us that our marriage was in terrible trouble. I actually got more info from the OW than he gave me. I am trying to be forgiving to both of them every day so that I don’t have to carry that around too. I guess I just have to live with the unknown of will I be able to put this behind me and will he be able to heal himself enough to keep our marriage intact.
I have been diagnosed with hashimotos disease, a the I’hyroid and auto immune disease. They say this disease thrives on stress, so its going to love me then.
I have a lump in my thyroid as well that they want to do a biopsy on, I still haven’t gone to do it yet, because I need my h with me, yet he isn’t around very often. I’m nervous about getting this done, but I know I need to do it, it’s just doesn’t appeal to me having anyone poke a needle into my neck and into my thyroid.
How crazy life is, I end up with a diease that thrives on stress.
No wonder I have piled on the weight and feel exhausted all day, yet come night time I don’t get much sleep.
Somhere I am getting fatter and uglier and wonder at times is my h better off with someone like his cousin it, who is skinnier and he would probably think more better looking.
Maybe he would be happier with her than ti be stuck with this fat lump of lard.
Oh, Strength, I see you are having a bad day. So sorry about your health problems. True love isn’t about how you look, or what you weigh, or that external crap. It’s about who you are as a person. It took me a long time to learn that one, lol. Cousin It, lol, and my husband’s skank may look ok on the outside (I honestly dont know cause I’ve only seen her about 8 years ago), but those looks dont seem to be able to attract true love cause of the ugliness on the inside that they (barely) conceal. Plus, youve had six kids. I only had one and it Wrecked me physically. But it was SOOoo worth it, lol.
Thanks giz, I really don’t feel very good about myself right now. I know my h is at work, but sometimes I wonder is he really with her and using work as an excue. I hate tha I doubt him, but I just look at myself and go why wouldn’t he just prefer to be with his evil one, than be with fatty lard.
Nothing in my wardrobe is fits anymore. Cousin it would be counting on me getting fatter, because she would have believed thats why my h went for her in the first place. She used her body to do that.
She belittled me having 6 children, and would tell my h she doesn’t understand why people would have so many, next breathe she was wanting children with my h on top of her 3.
I was a lard when he started his ea with her, through all the stress, I lost alot. I was scared of gaining it all back on, but eventually it started to creep back, after the stress turned different once we moved and he kept lying about his communication with her. Yet I’m the crazy one. He made me crazy. Now I get diagnosed with this, I haven’t been able to get help because they want me to do this biopsy first before they send me to the endocrinologist.
This is all what cousin it wanted so she can get my h.
I feel as though. Am probably self sabotaging my marriage too.
If I was going to have this disease why couldn’t it be the one that makes you lose weigh in stead.
Funny thing is I can look at cousin it picture on Fb, but if I was to see her in the street, I would probably not recognize her, unless she was with my h as strange as that may sound.
Yet she haunts my dreams, if my h gets depressed or even short tempered, I think it has something to do with her.
Cousin it changed her profile pic to her mother, I have a feeling she has her mother back in the country, last year she had her mother comet help her get my h, my h couldnt say no to this lady. I have a feeling cousin it is up to her old tricks getting mummy dearest to help her.
Strength,
You are stronger than you think and so much important. Once you see your doctor I’m sure he will put you on meds to control the disease. Take a friend with you if your h can’t .
You need to take care of yourself. And turn that frown upside down. Deep breathing, and good thoughts! That’s an order!!!!
PEACE!
Thank you Rachel, I. Appreciate your kind words. I was a bit of a mess last week, felt pretty down, and I can’t pinpoint what the actual trigger was, probably a few things.
I’m feeling better about things today, I guess these down times are something that is expected while we recover.
I will get things sorted, with this hashimotos, so I can get it managed, just need to wait for my h to get a break from work.
The dr wants me to take some Valium first so I’m not as stressed about the procedure.
I just wish I could forget that cousin it ever existed, how glorious that would be. Hmmmm.
Hugs to you Rachel, I will say you Hun are stronger than I, I’m proud of you.
Wow, I just had a great experience I wanted to share. I got a friend request from I girl that I really like but had lost contact with. When I was in college, my first husband and I lived about 200 miles away in the college town, but moved back here in 1989. Anyway, we were good friends with this couple but I hadn’t seen the husband, who was good friends with my husband, since his funeral in 1999. anyway, they are still married and doing great, 26 years. That was just do encouraging to hear. I remember we were friends with the husband before they got married, and he dated this blonde, pretty girl who was just an absolute bitch and treated him like dirt. I hope she never tries to come around like a lot of these skanks do when shes old and decrepit, needing an ego boost.
I needed my husband to tell me that I was the only one he loved and he just didn’t seem to be able to do that so I threw his crap in the driveway and told him come and get it!! It wasn’t that I wanted my marriage to end, but I think he had to see that there was no “fence sitting” in my home. You are either in or out. I know that this is not what some people say to do but you have to do what you feel is right and it was killing me to think he may still have feelings of love for the ow. He finally admitted that he loves only me but I believe he still misses her as a friend. That is hard to live with too but not as hard. I am trying to see the affair for what it was, two good people that did a really bad thing. Two people that used each other to fill voids in their life. Will my marriage survive, I don’t know but I know that I will.
Strength,
I am the youngest of six kids, & almost every women in my family has issues with their thyroid. The range of issues includes everything from thyroid cancer to hypo & hyper thyroid ism. One of my sisters has hashimotos & it is very manageable. I myself have had the procedure that you are about to undergo done twice, because of suspect nodules on my thyroid (thankfully neither one was found to be cancer). It sounds scary to have a needle stuck into your neck, but it really isn’t as bad or painful as one imagines it to be. Your neck may just be a little numb for a few hours afterwards. It is the “not knowing” that is the worst part, so maybe you should try to have a friend go with you; to get it done sooner than later.
Reading your post reminded me of my most recent test. The 2nd nodule was discovered shortly after my Mother had passed from lung cancer, & my x-husband had asked for a divorce. The day I went for the ultrasound I knew they had
found something of concern, I’ve had enough done that I could tell. When I came home I had told my husband that I knew they had found something again & that I was scared, but instead of talking with me about it, he had snuck off to talk with the OW under the guise of getting our baby girl to sleep. I discovered it when I went upstairs to put laundry away & over heard him chuckling on the phone with her.
A friend of mine ended up going with me to the needle biopsy because he said he would only go as my friend, not my husband. It took him 3 months to even remember to ask how the test had turned out.
LeftBehind, what an ass your ex is. Too bad you can’t be there to laugh when he is sneaking away from his girlfriend to giggle in the phone with his NEXT whore. Which he will. Or who knows, maybe she’ll do it to him. But either way, one of them will cheat. If they will do it with you, they will do it to you.
P.S. Thankful you are doing ok healthwise!
Thanks Gizfield. My doctor has suggested I have yearly ultrasounds to keep an eye on things due to my family’s history. I’ve been putting it off this year because of all the craziness with the divorce, but after reading the posts today I finally called to schedule. I just pray they don’t find something again.
I’ll pray for you too, Left Behind. And Strength, too. Hopefully sharing your story will help her too. :~)
Thankyou giz, again I appreciate all your support as well as everyone on here
Thanks for the prayers 🙂
Thank you left behind, you know what’s funny, I can handle a needle putnthrough my spine but I can’t handle the thought of someone putting a needle in my neck. I think when I found out about what they want to do, I looked on the Internet, and found so many people that found it painful, I guess worse thing to do is look on then internet because you will always find more people saying how bad something is than those that were ok.
So thankyou for all you have shared. I do need to build up my confidence, but I do know I need to get it done just to be sure theremis nothingto worry about.
Sorry you have been through this before and several times, please let me know how you go with your next one. I pray all goes well for you.
Sorry as well your exh was such an ass, I guess it doesn’t count for much devoting your life to someone, only for them to turn their back on you so easily. You would hope that a life time of memories, love, children, family would have meant more to the cs.
Hugs to you again.
Bob thanks for sharing your journey in healing. My wife also had an EA and it’s been 1 in a half years since DDay. It has been no doubt the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. 15 years of marriage just tossed to the side because some guy showed her some extra attention. I have had to deal with this all by myself. I have told no one. My wife and I have gone to counseling soon after DDay for a couple of months and set a good base to build our relationship back. This site gives me some insight that I am not the only one having these feelings. My wife’s actions have changed me as a person in many ways for the worse. These changes have affected my relationship with my parents and siblings. I have no patience with people anymore and easily flip on the anger switch. When I think of the OM I get real aggravated that he is living his life worry free and I am carrying around all this pain. I have thought on many occasions to inform his wife, but she is not of stable mind and I need to keep my children sheltered from this EA. I know my wife and myself have a very long way to go and we both are willing to put the work in to right this ship.
Hang in there as well Grover! As I mentioned in Bob’s post, there aren’t many husband’s who post on here. You are right in saying you and your wife have a long way to go, but if both are willing to put in the extra work and recommit to each other, that’s a step in the right direction.
It’s been 9 months since D-Day and my wife and I have some truly amazing days because we have decided to work things out. However, I still have doubts and insecurities that I raise and I go back to the day I discovered the EA. My wife questions why I continue to bring it up, as she doesn’t even think about the OM anymore and try to assure me by telling me that we should move on and work on our love for each other. I know she is remorseful and continues to tell me this was the stupidest mistakes she’s ever made in her life. The logical part of me understands and believes this, but my emotional side sometimes gets the better of me and damages all the hard work we’ve put into our marriage. It’s getting easier as time goes on, and hopefully the feelings of hurt, betrayal, and anger will be a thing of the past.
I go through the same stages xterra, I know deep down things are good with my h and myself, yet my emotional side gets the better of me too. I will look forward to the day I no longer think of the ow and the damage she caused. I look forward to the day that I can look at my h and know without a doubt we are safe. I look forward to the day I no longer live in fear of my h hurting me again, and look forward to the day that We finally live in peace.
Yeah, the emotional part sucks doesn’t it! What really gets me is not what the OM did, it’s what my wife did. She broke our marriage vows, she stepped out of our marriage for 5 months, she expressed love for him and wanted to be with him. I asked her the other day “How could you at one moment be “in love” with him and as soon as I discovered your affair, those feelings didn’t exist and you didn’t mean them”? She continues to say it was because it was the fantasy and affair fog. I shouldn’t be playing these words over and over in my head, because in reality, that’s what they are – just words … and she has not done anything for me not to believe her and she is trying so terribly hard to prove her love to me and our children! It just bothers me that I have to throw a monkey wrench into our progress! 🙁
Xterra, I too hate that my h expressed his love to the ow. It makes me so sad thinking our vows of over 21 yrs meant so little while he was in helping mode and protecting her mode. What happened to protecting his wife and kids from someone so nasty. Yet I also have to remember, yes it hurt me terribly but he really wasn’t himself. He was at a weak point in his life, going through a mid life crisis. I know he would never have gone there and betrayed us if he was of right mind.
Yet once he was waking up and opening his eyes and coming out of his fog, it gets me even more upset that he still kept the contact with her, up until the beginning of the year. I guess he finally realized that she was starting to become even more demanding and he felt it was time to cut her loose.
It doesn’t make all the pain he put me through any easier though.
I at times i feel as though I self sabotage my marriage due to my fears and insecurities, even though he keeps telling me he won’t hurt me again.
Your not alone with your feelings, just know that.
I’m glad things are getting better for you too. About time she realizes what she has right in front of her.
Thanks but I think I have decided to just let him go. I need reassurances and I need him to tell me he loves me but when I ask last night he said I told you last week. Really told me last week so that should be just fine. I realize that he will always blame me for us splitting up because I should be over it by now so even though he fell in love with someone else I basically tore our filter apArt because I couldn’t get over it.
More typical affair horseshit blame shifting. Dont believe it, and call him on it. you wont be sorry if you do, trust me. Hes the wrong doer, not you, even if he does have you believing it.
It is bullshit and I am tired of it. He isn’t capable of helping me heal and he is just holding me back. It’s time to cut him loose and let him have the life he thinks he is missing in the world. I had hoped to get six months in before making such a decision but I guess now is a good a time as any. So anyone know any single men?
Best of luck to you, Sad So Much. :~)
LOAF. What is ILY? Also you had a year between DDay 1 and dday2? Why is that? Was he still carrying on the affair between the two DDays? If so how did you find out? I feel like that first year my H and I worked so hard to make thing right I don’t think I could have handled another DDay. My first DDay was march 2011 and the second was aug 2011 when I got the whole story. Since then there has been no new truths to come out. I’m in a really good place now and I think if I had another DDay I would just leave this time.
Since listening to Doug and Linda’s interviews with Jeff murrah, I decided to go back to a therapist. A new one in my town. I’ve only been twice and I am giving myself a 6 month time frame to get this crap sorted out. Not for my marriage but for me. I’ve been experiencing some health issues and although not serious now could become serious. These health issues are all from stress my doc says. Well stress can do a lot of damage so at my age I need to take care of it. LOL there’s also a Pilates studio in the same building so I think I am going to check that out as well. Winter can get pretty tedious for me so maybe a new exercise program will be just what I need. I don’t know. All I know is I want to start taking care of me. Focusing on me, not him, not my marriage. These two have been front and center for two years now to my own health and I am ready to make that change. My H is very nervous about me going to this new shrink. Very inquisitive about it. I answer most questions but not all. I know he is afraid of me becoming too strong emotionally and that I will leave him. That is not my plan but I can’t say whee I will be in 6 months time. For now, I’m here.
Sadsomuch. I am so sorry. I know how bad this must hurt. I know you have tried and unfortunately it’s sounds like your H hasn’t. He’s taken the “brush it under the rug” attitude to extremes.
Just because I’m here on this site doesn’t mean that I advocate staying in marriage no matter what. Quite the opposite in fact. Sometimes one just has to call it a day. It sounds like you are at that point. The only way a marriage will work after an affair is if the offending party does everything in their capability to make things right and if you are having needs that he refuses to fulfill, it is time for you to move on. And we all have different needs and different levels of acceptance of behaviors. Again it sounds like he is putting his personal needs above yours and risking losing you and his marriage will be the price he will have to pay for being this way. I’m sorry for both of you and your family. Stay strong. Stay true to yourself and your needs. Don’t just settle. You deserve better.
Try, ILY is I love you’s. Thanks for the well wishes guys. Just laid it all on the line and now the ball is in his court. I told him he either helped heal the mess he created or this was over because I deserve better. I don’t believe I should have to ask for words of encouragement or affection, I think that should be freely given. We will see if he can step up or if he needs to step aside. You guys are all great and I hope each and everyone of you has an awesome day.
Sadsomuch,
I’m sorry to hear your husband is not giving you what you need in the recovery.
You asked how my wife helped me heal. It was the small things I suppose. May not seem that important from the outside but positive changes nonetheless. Here are some things she did: acknowledged some triggers for me without my prompting and consoled me, told me how much she appreciates what I do for the family, showed gratitude and excitement to do things as a family, cut off contact with the other man (this took longer than I had hoped but I know it’s done cause I check), and the last thing she does at night and the first thing she does in the morning is tell me she loves me.
Some of these things were things I told her I needed: that I would be feeling insecure and would need her to reassure me, and I started telling her when I had triggers so she learned to be sensitive to that.
And make no mistake, sometimes it still feels like it’s not enough for me. These changes she made took time. We still fight but I still feel the love and effort from her.
It sounds like you have been brave enough to tell your husband what you need and he’s not delivering. And if you have no hope that he will then you’re better off without him. I know too many couples who stay in loveless marriages. It’s so much better for everyone involved to part ways, especially if kids are involved.
He made the decision to stray and he’s making the decision not to have enough compassion and humility to be a better husband. Don’t let him make you feel bad because you are still hurting from what he did to you.
Continue being strong and making decisions from your heart. You’re doing a courageous thing
Thanks Bob. In counseling last night he said he has not done a good job so far and said he is going to make an effort to do better. I sure hope he can. He is a really good person that did a really shitty thing and doesn’t know how to fix it. I hope he can start making a true effort so we can start putting this ugliness behind us.
I have had a bit of a trigger today.
My h asked me to look up some work pics for him, as I was looking through some photos, I see all of our family pics, photos from when my h first met up until our last child being born. All j could think about as I saw these pics was, here is our history and now it just makes me sad, not happy, I see our oats as tainted now. Last year I didn’t feel this way, when I was showing my h these pihotos, I was trying to get him to see what we have.
Yet today it just made me sad, it is like I been robbed of my past, present and before when I used to think of our future, I was happy, now I just live each day not sure how our future will be, so I feel like even my future is not the same, as I once imagined.
I have a photo of my h and I on our wedding anniversary weekend that out and seen everyday. You know I loved that photo last year, now I hate it. It is just a reminder as well, because when that was taken he was still running behind my back to his ow. Si now it just feels like that photo was taken when it really meant nothing to him, but it did me.
I do hope one day I can look at these photos again and feel good about our history without it feelings like it meant nothing.
Those stupid photos, got me angry, lol
Here is for a better day tomorrow. Lol
I tell you I will be throwing a party when I no longer have these stupid triggers effecting me. I look forward to the day when I go ” it doesn’t bother me anymore”
It willpass someday, Strength, just not sure when that will be. Take heart in that knowledge.
I think we need to have a Stupidest orMost Unusual Trigger Contest. I think mine would win…Michael Jackson, the King of Pop. His death day was the day my husband announced he wanted a divorce. He is in a band and wrote the whore an email that they had learned Billie Jean to lure her to their Gig. And they exchanged tacky “joke” emails about his death. Nice. Very stupid. But MJ and his name or music can come up anytime, anywhere. And it Always makes me think about that shit.
Thanks giz, the day Michael Jackson passed, my 5 year old, who was just 9 mths old at the time lay in hospital on life support. One of the most scariest times of my life.
Hi Doug, Linda, just a thought if it hasn’t been done already.
How about a this for a topic?
How long from Dday one did it take for your spouses emotional affair to come to an end?
Just thought some of the new comers could see it all in one place by each of us that have come that far to see the ea end, seeing it by each person can give a person a bit more hope form what lies ahead at such a uncertain time in their lives.
Thanks Strength, That may just be our topic this Wednesday!
Your welcome Doug, I know how hard it must be to think of new topics each week. Niot to say your not doing an outstanding job. You have to wonder how many topics can be used just to cover ea’s., before it runs out. Lol
Here’s another one for you Doug. I know you may not be up for it, but I’m sure all if us here would like it.
how has Doug and linda’s story and website helped you?
Sort of a bit of a Tribute or thank you to you both, as I know you both have helped me as well as so many others who thought all was lost.
Trying hard, I so know what you mean about not wanting to fight. I was with my first husband 20 years, and it had literally dissentigrated into World War 3. I was terrified to say anything for fear of being yelled at, cussed, called names, hit, threatened with a gun, etc. so I was an expert at keeping my mouth SHUT. I just could not deal with conflict anymore. I hadn’t wanted to get married again due to this. Ever. When my current husband started acting like the first one (minus the violence) during his “affair” it was like some kind of horrible recurring nightmare. He knew about my past too, which makes it even worse.