Viewing Yourself Through Rose Colored GlassesToday we have a guest post from one of our blog members, Nicole Boothe.  Nicole is the author of the forthcoming book “Love is an Ability not an Emotion : How to be happy and married NOW!” 

Rose Colored Glasses

by Nicole Boothe

I remember many years ago hearing a speaker say in order to grow we have to take off the rose colored glasses we wear  when we look at ourselves,  and stop using a magnifying glass to look at others. I agreed with what the speaker was saying because I could clearly see how hard I could be on the people in my life. Especially my husband.  I felt so justified in my actions though, because he did leave his clothes all over the place or he made a mess all over the clean kitchen again.

I could come up with many more examples but I bet you get the idea. What I did not do was notice and appreciate all he did that was good, or the effort he made to make me happy. I was too busy being insulting and abusive.  I felt almost entitled to act like a bitch

See, because he had offended me so terribly in my mind I could treat him however I wanted. It was not a conscious decision but it happened nonetheless. Maybe none of you have ever acted or felt this way.  Although I was aware of my actions I made excuses for them. 

Then on May 8, 2012 I found out the unthinkable.  My husband had been having a 3-month affair and shattered my world.

I knew he had been acting odd but quite honestly my husband never even really looked at other women. Even other male friends would comment to the fact that he did not look. So I believed because he had such an intense attraction to me that he would never cheat, but I did not take into account that even men need more than sex.  They need so much more and this is what makes a man beautifully complicated.

See also  Healing From Infidelity: How to Get Over the Hurt

In those first few weeks I was in so much pain. It was hard to work, sleep or eat. Infidelity has got to be the most painful thing any person can go through. For me it was like a death because my marriage as I knew it was dead and gone.

My beliefs about my marriage were also gone, as well as how I saw myself in relation to my husband. I struggled with feeling that our marriage no longer had the same value as other marriages because the innocence was gone. We were damaged and dirty.  

It is a dark place to be and I felt like I was dead on the inside. I don’t like sounding so dramatic but it is the truth. Once the pain got unbearable I took on the task of understanding why this happened and what it would take to heal our marriage. I made it my mission to embody what it means to be a good wife.

I started researching by reading books and the endless information available on the Internet. After the first book I read I was no longer wearing my rose colored glasses but they were now on top of my head; after a couple more books I was using the magnifying glass to look at my behaviors.

I want to say that it is NEVER your fault when a spouse cheats because we always have a choice. What I do want you to get a clear understanding of though is that just as our behavior will push our spouses to have an affair, our behavior – if used the right way – will make our spouses feel so loved, appreciated, adored and respected that they will not want to cheat.

See also  How Does A Betrayed Spouse Heal from Cheating?

So now in this time of pain and brokenness I hope you can find peace in knowing you possess the solution within to protect yourself from experiencing this type of pain again. You also can have an incredible marriage if you are willing to do the work necessary to heal what is wounded.  So take off your rose colored glasses and face things where you are.

I remember one day driving in my car and I was arguing with myself against the facts. What I wanted more than anything was to not be cheated on, but in that moment I realized that twenty years from now I will still have been cheated on. This is now part of history – my history and a fact of my life and my marriage.

So I could continue to resist it and torture myself or I could accept it, learn from it and move on.  I chose to move on.  You can too and leave the affair partner behind because they too are in your past. That person is neither special nor important so don’t give them that space in your life.

Healing from infidelity is really an amazing journey that will allow you to design your life the way you want. If you are looking to make real life changing action please visit my website at www.inspiredactioncoaching.net

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LINESPACE

    113 replies to "Viewing Yourself Through Rose Colored Glasses"

    • Battleborn

      Nicole,

      Perhaps I am misreading your article, but I have reread it several times and cannot get over the fact that you say I probably have rose colored glasses on and that my behaviour pushed my H to have an affair. Let me be the first to say bullshit! Nothing caused my CS affair other than his inability to stay honest. If you are under the assumption that another person’s behaviour, attitude, etc., PUSHES one into an affair then the world must be full of cheating spouses. My behaviour is mine, I have to own it, my husband does not. If he does not like my behaviour he has a choice to make, either speak to me about it, ignore it or leave – not have an affair. It works both ways in a marriage. If I don’t like something he is doing, I either speak up or I leave it alone, but I do not have an affair over it.

      I find it very interesting that everyone seems to think there is always an underlying reason to cheat. There is no reason to cheat! NONE, NADA, ZIP! I don’t care what is happening in a relationship, there is nothing going on where it is okay to cheat.

      The only thing that pushes a CS into an affair is their behaviour and THEIR rose colored glasses, which by the way are green, not rose. “The grass is always greener on the other side.”

      Maybe it is about time that we analyze what neurotransmitters are misfiring in the CS brains instead of trying to find out the underlying causes that the BS brings to the table to “push the cheater into an affair.”

      Sorry, I am tired of being the “pusher” in my husband’s affair.

    • Gizfield

      I have to agree with Battleborn. I have read pretty much every comment on here for a very long time. I can tell you, there is no “plethora” of betrayed spouses wearing Rose Colored glasses. Affair partners, yes. Cheaters, yes. Betrayed, no. That is my number one complaint with the affair recovery “industry”. They say that the affair isn’t your fault ( which it NEVER” is, btw) but then proceed to tell you how you need to change, improve, meet needs, etc which is basically in effect telling you that it is your fault. The only difference between the marriages with affairs and those without is LACK OF COMMITMENT. That is an internal factor totally under the cheater’s control. You could be the most perfect wife/husband ever and people will still cheat.

      • exercisegrace

        Great answer! During all the crap we went through, I remained committed to our relationship. My needs weren’t necessarily being me either. But I didn’t go out and let someone else meet them. And yes, I DID have the opportunity.

        There is no doubt in my mind there are things I can do to improve myself and improve my marriage. EVERYONE can say the same thing. But the BULK of the work in recovery needs to be done by the person who created the problem.

    • Gizfield

      I did a lot of reading during my first marriage as well regarding alcoholism, and domestic violence, and a lot of the advice has the undercurrent that the victim is somehow “responsible.” If you were nicer, thinner, sweeter, BETTER in some way the other person would not drink, beat you, cheat, etc. The main thing most victims do wrong is be TOO nice.

    • EyesOpened

      Nicole

      Thank you for this post. I know that I am the CS so this is not really aimed at me – but – one of the things I struggle with is ‘magnifying’ my h’s good traits. I am going to work on that. I am going to open my eyes really wide and see all his good and sweep the annoying dead leaves aside. He is trying so hard and I am going to try equally hard to really appreciate everything he’s doing to improve both himself and ‘us’.

      If he can forgive something as colossal as an affair – I MUST be able to forgive his previous bad behaviours that he is working so hard to address, understand and move on from. Thank you for an inspiring post.

      • chiffchaff

        EO – this was something that my H had massive trouble with, forgiving me of all those irritating habits and behaviours he had magnified to justify his affair, before during and after it. He frequently forgot that I was having to deal with his massive physical and emotional betrayal ONTOP of his equivalent irritating habits and behaviours. I know he has to work hard to even remember to say nice things to me, which is still painful to acknowledge for me, when he found it so easy to say them to the OW. Only this week he said that he knew he didn’t tell me enough or at all that he liked the way I looked/dressed etc. and that’s 2 years post Dday!

    • Gizfield

      I’m not saying that this couldn’t be an inspiring post, OUTSIDE a relationship where there is no abuse. I do consider adultery/infidelity to fall under the heading of abuse.

      • exercisegrace

        Giz, I totally agree. OUTSIDE of a relationship that is going through the horror of infidelity, this is a GREAT read. But right now, it just feels like one more thing being thrown at me saying well…….here is another reason why YOU might have caused the affair. And HERE is what YOU need to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

        I don’t NEED to take off my rose colored glasses, they were RIPPED forcibly off my face when I found out what he had done. And you know what? Before the affair he left clothes on the floor, dirty dishes where they lay……..and that DID NOT bother me. I did not act like a bitch. Because he pumped gas for me and did numerous other little things that I acknowledged, valued and appreciated. I thought that was the way marriage worked. We BOTH had our irritating little habits, but the big picture FAR outweighed the petty, day to day grievances. At least to me.

        The fact is, I WAS too nice. I was too believing and trusting and made FAR FAR too many allowances for his neglect. I swallowed his lies too often and too easily.

        Found out the other day his scumbag has hpv and for at least the last part of the affair he knew about it. And has lied to me after d day about that fact NICE. So maybe my post today is a little jaded. I’m tired of being the one making concessions and giving up ground.

    • livingonafence

      Wow. I’m really surprised by all of these responses. I don’t think Nicole was saying that we ’caused’ the affair. In fact she is clear that we did not, and it’s not the BSs fault. We did, however, own 50% of a marriage that got to a point where one spouse felt cheating was the answer to feeling better about him/herself. We have to own that. We need to stop thinking we were perfect, our lives were perfect, and why oh why did HE do this to ME? We weren’t perfect. Well, maybe if the CS is a compulsive cheater, maybe then we were perfect. But I really haven’t seen that here as a rule. No, here it’s an OW, a bunch of lies, hurt feelings, etc. That usually stems from one very unhappy spouse, or two, but at least one because that’s the cheater before and during the EA. They are almost always miserable and have such incredibly poor coping skills that they cheat as a way out of that unhappiness. This choice, the choice to go outside the marriage to find some joy in life, is the CSs alone. But getting to that point in the marriage? WE own that.

      I will say this – a lot of this seems rather contrived. This person is barely a year past DDay and she’s writing as if it’s been 5 years. That’s what I find to be the strange part.

      • exercisegrace

        LOAF, I’m going to disagree a little here. Perhaps one of the most widely perpetuated myths is that cheating ONLY happens in BAD marriages. The cheater MUST be dissatisfied with his/her marriage in order to step outside of it to get needs met. My husband would tell you that prior to his affair, he was NOT unhappy with our marriage. What happened was that he became unhappy with HIMSELF. With his life in general. There was a collision between his abusive childhood (which left him with poor coping skills and even poorer boundary setting abilities) and some ugly present day events. He lost his dad, had a serious medical issue, the economy was tanking his business, our finances were going south, we had moved, had a baby, and were dealing with other elderly parents in poor health. The list could go on. Throughout this, I was loving him and supporting him. I suggested counseling, medication, whatever necessary to help him cope better. But, he chose to soldier on…his idea of being a man. I offered to move, help him close the business, make any life changes necessary. To this day, he and the our three therapists (his, mine, ours) have yet to name one thing I could have done differently. One way I could have supported him better through this AWFUL time in our lives.

        So how did he get into an affair? He trusted a long time friend and colleague. She knew everything he was going through. She admitted later that her feelings for him had long since changed and she was looking for a way in. She pumped up his battered ego. She showered him with attention, advice, support and he ate it up. He trusted her and felt it was a “safe” relationship. He says he never really realized the lines that had been crossed until it became physical. He is remorseful and we have made much progress working through things.

        Was I the “perfect” wife? No. Was he the perfect husband? No. Was ours the “perfect” marriage? No. There is not a person or couple alive that could answer YES to any of those questions. But I DO know I did everything I could to support and love him through the worst season of our lives. I do not own ANY part of the affair. I do not own “getting to that point in the marriage”. I was very open when he struggled with depression, offered to participate in counseling or whatever he felt he needed.

        Sometimes people just listen to the wrong voice. Trust the wrong friend and sometimes things just go too far. It doesn’t mean the marriage was bad. He has definitely learned to communicate his feelings more openly and directly. THAT I would say, is the biggest thing that will help us going forward. I was always willing to address any issue. He just couldn’t admit, even to himself, how bad he was really feeling about the stresses in his life.

    • livingonafence

      LOL – ok, please someone, help me here. Nicole’s website isn’t old so there’s not a lot of history. There is nothing wrong with that – we all start somewhere. However, she sells coaching services – an online marriage counselor, if you will. The site says she’s been studying marriage and relationships, etc., for 15 years. If that’s true, and yet one year ago she discovered she was being cheated on and was a ‘bitch’, then I must be missing something. 14 years of studying what makes a good relationship culminates in being cheated on. Either this isn’t Nicole’s story or perhaps Nicole hasn’t learned as much as she thought.

      One thing I didn’t see was any kind of degree in psychiatry or even counseling. If I missed it I apologize, but I do find practitioners that claim to ‘help’ people that are really just trying to profit off of a hobby dangerous. I’m sorry, but I think licensing for such things should be required. Just because you know what happened in your own life does NOT mean you are prepared or qualified to guide anyone else. An education forces you to see many different scenarios, techniques, etc. Shouldn’t a person have this level of experience and knowledge before taking a trusting and often desperate person’s money? Calling oneself a ‘coach’ doesn’t fly with me. Just my opinion.

    • Gizfield

      I will stand by what I originally said. this reminds me of my cousins wedding. The minister said “marriage is not 50/50. It is usually close, but most times it will be way off, due to circumstances. That is the time you pick up the slack for your partner .” I know that I am not perfect, then, now, or ever. I also know that the fact is that I gained some weight and was not the world’s best housekeeper. Those were my husbands rationale for his cheating. I was not a bitch, or a nag, or jealous, and even if I were, that is not a rationalization for him to be out DATING and trying to screw a road whore!

      • livingonafence

        No, it isn’t. But things like that can make a person unhappy. If a person is unhappy and lacks the proper communication skills and coping skills to effectively deal with that unhappiness, they may seek out unhappiness in unhealthy ways, such as cheating.
        Did you cause the cheating? No way in hell! He made that choice all alone. BUT, were you a contributing force in the marriage, in his life, and by default, in his unhappiness (or his perceived unhappiness)? Of course, just as he is the same in your life. What you choose to do with the happiness or unhappiness in your life is up to you, but your H is a major factor in your life.

        Again, we didn’t cause the cheating. We did assist in getting our marriage to a point where cheating seemed like a viable option.

        Think of it like this: Pretend you know a woman. Let’s say she’s never home, never cooks, spends too much money and ignores her husband. In turn, he drinks. He drinks because he hates his life and he wants to escape. He hates his life because he’s married to a selfish woman that ignores him and his needs.

        Now, did this woman you know cause her husband to drink? Nope. He made that choice. Did she contribute to the marriage being at a point where the husband felt alone, hopeless and miserable? Yes.

        Does that make more sense?

        • Tryinghard

          LOAF

          I do not agree that we personally were the source of their unhappiness. Maybe in the fact that we were in the way of their perceived happiness with the other person. I believe no one can make you happy. Happiness comes from within by being grateful and satisfied with what you have and what you are. It’s a lack of moral compass on the cheaters part.

          • livingonafence

            I’m sorry – at no point did I say we were the cause of anyone’s unhappiness. I said we were a part of a marriage that had gotten to a state where an affair was possible.
            Each of us and everyone else is responsible for our own happiness. If a CS is unhappy as if almost always the case, he or she is responsible to speak up, try to work it out in healthy ways, and NOT do destructive things like having an affair.

    • Nicole

      Ok everyone this is Nicole and I am so disappointed for most of you that commented. I would like to ask you where your marriage is now? How much have you grown and learned from this experience? It sounds like most of you are still struggling to keep your victim story alive.

      As for a degree my website says I entered into a coaching certification. I can also say that I grew enough and learned enough in the past year and a half to guide others through a successful healing. My website also talks about during many of those years studying I was great at collecting information and now I have learned to “BE” I have become on the inside. What do you get when you squeeze an orange? Orange juice. What do you get when you are squeezed? Continue to do and be what you have always done and you can enjoy the same things you have always gotten. Use this painful experience to learn and grow. There is so much more for you to have in this life. Remember nothing in life is good or bad until you decide it is. So believe it’s bad,stay a victim and that way you can stay as small as you want.

    • Nicole

      This is Nicole again and I want to thank those of you for your encouraging comments. My post is about showing everyone that we hold so much influence with our spouse and its about using it the right way. It’s about learning to genuinely love someone. My needs were not being met either and I had MANY real reasons to be pissed before the affair but quite honestly do you want to be right or married ? I wanted to be married and learning to forgive was a beautiful thing. It was something my husband needed and it healed many past pains in his life. When a marriage goes wrong someone has to be bigger than the anger, resentment and want to get their partner back. I love my husband and above all else I wanted him to know that. I hope each one of you can find peace and forgiveness. Not every affair is the same and certainly not each situation falls into what I wrote but I bet each one of us could use a shift to focus on what is right and good in our spouse versus what is bad or wrong. Love and healing to all.

    • Gizfield

      Nicole, in my opinion, you are one of the most sanctimonious people I have ever seen comment on here. I’m sure your counseling service will be very successful when you tell people all they need to do is quit “struggling to keep their victim story alive.” Seriously??? Your post seems to be a conglomeration of every self help book out there. If you are going to paraphrase Dr. Phil at least get it right. “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” You truly dont need to be “disappointed” for me and my pathetic state of being. I’m not sure what your “coaching certificate” is supposed to be teaching you but I think I’ ll pass.

      • Tryinghard

        Giz

        Agree

    • AnnaB

      I agree, Gizfield. None of us are choosing to be victims, we are just supporting each other by sharing our experiences. Nicole’s marriage may be all sunshine and rainbows now, but that isn’t the case with all of us. In fact, some people are enduring unbelievable suffering because they feel trapped in their situation, whether it’s because of young children, finances etc. There is one universal similarity with ALL cheaters, and that is selfishness. So we can clean the house, cook their meals, offer sex and boost their ego, but if they decide that isn’t enough they’ll make a ridiculous excuse to **** someone else. My H told me it was nothing I did, he was simply flattered by an equally selfish person (bitch). I can imagine how easy it is for some people to consider an affair because I’ve flirted at work before, and it can be fun. But I wouldn’t take that next dangerous step, whereas others are weak or curious, and then the selfishness kicks in. But since all of this has happened the thought of flirting now leaves me cold because it is disrespectful to my H, and I don’t feel the need to ease my insecurities in that way. I believe it should be both parties who make an effort to build a healthy marriage in the first place, but after an affair the CS has a lot of repair work to do. I don’t use the word forgive, I prefer to say that I’ve tolerated him. I do agree with those who say that holding on to anger and bitterness is harmful to us, but I’m determined not to be a doormat, so I’ll probably find my peace when all the horrible memories start to fade.

    • Battle born

      Nicole, I am one who is not in agreement with you and I really take exception of you being disappointed for me. My act is together and my marriage is not great, but honestly unless you know me or my situation you should not suggest I take off my rosé colored glasses.

      LOAF, Nicole said that our behavior was an underlying factor to their affair. To quote, “just as our behavior will push our our spouses to have an affair.” That is just crap. Sorry but I stand by what I said. If either partner has a problem their spouses behavior then it is up to them to,speak up… Not have an affair. Nothing pushes our spouse to have an affair except their own behavior – selfishness, low self esteem, whatever but it is or behavior, not ours.

      LOAF you know me and you know my history, I can assure Nicole that i never had rosé colored glasses. I am not perfect, far from it, my marriage was never perfect so telling me I need to stop looking through my glasses and take responsibility is rather presumptuous at the very least.

    • Nicole

      The last person who posted about good marriages and affairs. I agree and I have stated that this does not apply to everyone. Affairs most of the time have to do with the ego and how they feel about themselves. Regardless of a good or bad marriage.

    • Nicole

      Each and everyone of you is entitled to your own opinion and if you would simply take a step back you would realize you own attitude, judgements and thoughts are creating the world you live in. Quite honestly I think it is a shame that you have no understanding of what I said and I have heard your complaints and bitterness around the very subject of my original post. Is it possible just maybe that you could do some things differently to make your spouse feel more loved and appreciated ?

      As for the person that said she would pass on working with me,I would not have you as a client because I will only work with people who want to help themselves. You obviously do not and you are 100% perpetuating your victim mentality weather you admit it or not. It does not hurt me for you to ignore it. Your are the one who us unhappy. Why are you unhappy and I am happy. I get foot rubs and gifts daily. Maybe there is something of value to what I said but you are too busy being angry and maybe jealous to notice. I do feel disappointed for you all because you are so missing the opportunity for growth and change

      Anytime in life we act out,make excuses,work too much,drink,drugs have angry out burst or cold shoulder someone it is in avoidance of looking at your own shit. So continue to avoid while many other live abundant full lives.

      This post went over your heads and none of you are ready to move on. If you think I was not angry or hurt you are very mistaken. I tore the house apart, screamed and even hit my husband. I cried endlessly for weeks. Understanding my part helped me understand him and his pain. That allowed me to accept , let it go and move on. I only want for each of you to experience the love I have now in my marriage and the enormous peace in my life. .

    • Gizfield

      Not only are you sanctimonious, Nicole you’ re also condescending as hell. Everything you post shows disdain for those who aren’t as “happy” as you. I have news for you. I have a very good life. I am happy. I come here to share experiences I dont talk about on real life. I imagine we all do. We do not come here to be patronized by someone who THINKS they have all the answers.

    • Battle born

      Nicole, to lower the anger issue from ALL OF US, including you, I want to explain something. Some of us are happy. Some of us are not there yet. All of us are at different stages and when someone writes a column about being happy and owning our anger issues, it hits a raw nerve. So you are happy – good for you. Most here are not and to be told they have rose colored glasses on is hard to swallow.

      In my own case, my husband rubs my feet, he sits in the hospital and cries when I am hooked up to IVs, he brushes my hair even though it falls out from all my meds… If that is not love, what is? But, I still don’t have rose colored glasses on. I still am not really happy, maybe I will never be. As far owning my attitudes and behaviors, I do, I always have. That is the wonders of being bi-polar w/depression, I HAVE to own my behaviors or I will face the potentially horrible consequences.

      So to calm this column down a bit, your writing is your own, it is meant to help, but what it has done is hit a very raw nerve with the majority of people here who have not been able to understand there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. As a coach you should have realized singing the praise of your happiness and owning your own behaviors may not be what some are ready to hear.

      Your writing was posted to help and for some it did, obviously for many it didn’t. My one suggestion would be to post another if you want, but soften it a bit up front. Let us know you were as miserable like the rest of us, then give us suggestions on how to fix our lives, not the other way around.

      Just my thoughts to a very volatile post…

    • Tryinghard

      Nicole

      Thanks for your post and I’m sure you had good intentions. I’m really tired of people qualifying their remarks by saying there is no good reason to cheat BUT. People cheat for a lot of different reasons. Those of us who have decided to stay in the relationship where an infidelity has occurred DO see the good in their spouses and that is why we stay. I have personally dug and dug to find out what I could have done better in my relationship with my husband prior the his affair and have come up with nothing. I had countless conversations with him and our MC trying to find out and they both agreed I am/was a good wife and partner. So with that being said the only “rose colored glasses” I had was in trusting him too much. So you are right my rosé colored glasses are gone forever. His actions were so wrong on so many level. Now that he sees he almost lost the most important person in his life he treats me like a queen. I always treated him with respect and never complained about the little annoying things he did like leaving is stuff laying about. It was just never important to me enough to fight about or even be resentful about.

      My H cheated because of a mid life crisis, boredom, and opportunity. Simple as that. Sure he probably has some deep seeded traumas from his childhood blah blah blah but he has refused to delve deeper into those to really look at why he made such a boneheaded decision. His problem not mine. I and our MC tried.

      For me your words are just another way of saying “get over it” and believe me that is what we are all trying to do here.

    • Gizfield

      Battleborn, I am so sorry to hear about your health problems. I had no idea. One thing thats really bad is that we have to deal with the betrayal, on top of everything else bad in our lives.

      • Battle born

        You may have not been on here when I wrote about my last time in the hospital. It was a really fun time; can’t wait for the next time! LOL. You see, laughter is the best medicine for me, I am a truly sarcastic person but I gets me through the rough times.

        We all have horrible things happen to us while enduring our recovery, many of us have lost our parents, many have been fallen ill, etc. it’s just proof that life does go on and doesn’t wait for us to recover from an affair although we wish it would.

        I believe this is one reason why recovery is so difficult. We don’t have the time to spend on ourselves to mend as quickly as we would like. Perhaps that is also why the professionals say it takes years to find that final peace. Who truly knows? One thing I do know, when things like this happens, you find out what your CS really thinks about your marriage. Either he/she is there with love or they aren’t. Sad isn’t it, that it takes a horrible event to show what really matters.

    • Nicole

      I want to say first I am not angry and I NEVER said there is good reason to cheat. I also said I was in so much pain. I could not eat or sleep. I also did not start out saying how happy I was. I was using that as an example to show there is validity to my original post.

      What I said that almost no one gets is you have a huge amount of influence over your spouse, so
      When used the right way good results generally follow. I did not say always. The other meaning was see the good in your spouse on purpose.

      Your right each situation is different so
      take what is applicable and forget the rest

      Why are some of you not happy? I very much felt that way. I felt as one of you said that I would never be happy again. Infedeliry leaves a scar like no other. At any rate I got to where I trusted my husband ,I knew the OW meant nothing and
      He was so sorry. Yet I was like the walking dead,explosive in temper and shopped all the
      Time because only then I didn’t feel the pain. I even lost $70,000/yr job. I’m still not working.

      So you wonder why I am happy because
      I choice to be. I look for the good in
      Every situation. I ask the right questions of myself. To get past infedeliry I asked myself what was it going to cost me to forgive him and what I had to give up. It cost me my ego and my pride. I had to give up my victim story. In order to be unhappy you have to blame someone
      Or something. Therefore remaining a victim.

      Why did your marriage fail…? My husband cheated. For me in my opinion it makes me victim and I am not allowing myself to be the OW victim. You can we all have a choice.

      One woman on here said I am sanctimonious ,
      I call it surviving and winning.

      I just typed all this driving 70 down the highway and maybe you will see I am not much different than you.

      One last comment to the woman who is sick and her husband rubs her feet and brushes her hair-
      Yes that is love. The question is are you loving him back the same way?

      • exercisegrace

        Before my husband’s affair, we had been together for twenty five years. I loved him beyond measure, and trusted him beyond reason. He never once gave me reason to doubt either of those things. Ever. We were each others’ strongest influence. But then a season in life came along that neither of us could control, and he let depression take him under. He began to let the voice of his “friend” speak louder influence in his mind and life than my voice. She spoke only praise, adoration, and she made NO demands from her single lifestyle. I was a wife, mother of four, and I had reasonable expectations that he participate in our life and family. She convinced him that I was undeserving of him, and that he shouldn’t have to take out the garbage or do ANYTHING else because I was a lazy stay at home mom. It was a seductive voice. All praise, all the time. No criticism, no requirements, no expectations.

        Am I happy? Well, not as much as I would like to be. We are stalked and harassed (as are our older kids) by a woman who refuses to just go away. I too, am trying to CHOOSE how I respond to my circumstances. It is not always easy. I have said more than once, that I do not want to live my life as the “betrayed spouse”. I do not want that to define me. It HAPPENED to me and it will always be a part of my story. I will always be a victim of infidelity. But it does not have to be who I AM. I too have paid a HIGH price for choosing to forgive my husband. But pride is not one of the things I paid. I took the high road, he took the low road. I am proud of how I stood up for myself. Proud that I made better choices, that honored my beliefs and my marriage vows.

        Lastly, I do not feel that my marriage “failed”. My husband “failed”. He failed to protect me, our marriage, our family and our wedding vows. He “failed” himself by breaking every belief he has ever held. The marriage only “fails” if one of us walks away, and that is NOT going to happen.

        The only rose colored glasses were the ones he and his AP wore when they tried to rewrite history and rework the present to suit their selfish little alternate reality. And she knows how THAT worked out for her! Do I love my husband? Of course, or I wouldn’t be here, working so hard on this marriage. Will it be the same marriage that it was? No. Can I and should I focus on seeing the good in him, NOW? Yes! But I also believe he has a good bit of work to do to repair the things he damaged.

        • tryinghard

          Hey EG is the OW STILL stalking and harassing you guys?? If so have you gone to your attorney about her or the police? This person is seriously deranged if after two years she is STILL acting out. Man I thought I was pissed but this chick takes the cake!!! 🙂

          • exercisegrace

            Yes, she is. She is very clever, very sneaky, very anonymous but very OBVIOUS. Our attorney says it is unfortunate, but she skates a very fine. It has been difficult for our older kids to handle. Because it is done so anonymously, the police can’t do anything.

            I really don’t get it. I didn’t DO anything to this woman. My KIDS didn’t do anything to her. We had never even MET her prior to when the affair started. We just happened to be living the life SHE wanted and is ANGRY that she did not get.

            • tryinghard

              EG
              That is seriously effed up!! You can do something. If she is harassing you by computer you can track the URL to her computer. If she’s mailing you can track that too from the post office. If it’s cell phone that is easy to get that info. She doesn’t have to do anything threatening, just the fact that she is harassing you and you and your family perceive it as harassing you can legally make her stop. She’s sick and who knows what she will plan next?? There is nothing subtle about harassment. That is the number one reason I don’t harass the OW. I’d love to but thank God it’s only a fantasy for me and I DON’T act on it. Besides Karma has taken care of that for me 🙂

            • exercisegrace

              After discussing it all with our attorney for the legal angle, and with our counselors for the “crazy” angle, the decision for now it to continue to starve her out. I have shut down all my social media sites, etc. and so has my husband. There is no “stage” left right now for her to perform on. In the meantime, we are told to screenshot things, document any and everything we receive or hear. Keep phone logs etc. Time will tell. I think it bothers her MUCH MORE that we are ignoring her.

            • tryinghard

              EG
              I hear you. It’s just creepy right? Is it the social media sites where she is doing most of her harassing? If so big deal right? No one takes that seriously. I’d definitely keep any computer/cell phone records because you can use that to make her stop. I agree that ignoring her is probably driving her crazy but crazy is not exactly what you need any more.
              I’m afraid with the OW and the new fact that she is facing her own mortality and demise shortly might start trying to make contact again. Although I hear she is so ill she can’t even go to work. She’s on a lot of drugs and well that can make people do crazy things too. UGH just makes me mad that they willingly bring all this crazy into our lives when it was so unnecessary. Hell if you’re “unhappy”, bored, curious whatever the case may be, freakin speak up. Why on earth choose something that is going to make your life exponentially worse??? Our H’s were not young men. They had seen this crap a million times in their life and the havoc it produced. Just so out of my realm of rationalization that they thought it would turn out any other way than it did!

    • Battle born

      That woman would be me, Nicole. No, I am not loving him back in the same way. How can I ? With his stinky feet, I wouldn’t touch them in a lifetime LOL! But no, I am not. I love him in my own way and he and I know AND understand that my love for him is the best I can give. That is partly why your article is subjective at best. Not everyone can return the love that the spouse gives them. That is not to say I don’t love my husband, it’s saying that my love may not equal his for me. There is nothing wrong with that as long as we both know what is in our hearts, love is what it is.

    • Broken2

      Nicole…seriously your comments do more harm then good. Even the title of the blog is an irritant. If you would like to blame the victim for the affair that is equivalent to blaming a rape victim for wearing to provocative clothes as the reason for the crime. Utterly ridiculous. We all make choices in life and we are responsible for our own choices, that’s one of the biggest problems with our society today is your opinion regarding cheaters. Each person is at the same place in a marriage when the affair occurs, one makes a choice to betray his/her marriage vows and cheat the other honors their marriage vows no matter what. Sorry but I’m not going to spend my time making my husband feel all warm and fuzzy everyday in an effort to keep him from cheating again and it wasn’t my fault in any way shape or form that he did so in the first place. You sound like a person who is trying to capitalize on the internet the affair world and make yourself a little cash. Your compassion level is at zero and really just because I find you offensive doesn’t mean I’m unhappy so don’t do there. I am one of the success stories. I am very happy and my marriage is awesome but my husband would be the first one to tell you it was his choice to cheat. He changed his behavior and must continue to do so or I am gone. I don’t really think you are qualified to counsel anyone and with your present attitude will do more harm then good.

    • Gizfield

      Nicole, I dont know anything about anyone on here or their situation beyond what they post. everyone has different goals, and being “happy”just is Not one of my main ones. For anyone whose it is, that is great for them. I enjoy my life, I love my husband and daughter, and just take each day so it comes, good, bad, or indifferent. My life used to be much, much worse. It could still be and I’m incredibly thankful it’s not. One thing I’ve noticed in life is that thinking about whether you or happy or not can cause unhappiness. Ironic, I think. Anyway, PLEASE slow down, and no posting while driving !!

      • tryinghard

        Right on Giz!!! I too notice that when I want to “think” about being happy I want to slap myself!! No I don’t worry about happiness. That is way too trite. Absolutely One Day At A Time and let’s admit, most days are pretty damn good comparatively. You made me laugh and THAT makes me happy 🙂

    • Gizfield

      It’s a beautiful day here. My daughter and I are in a cabin in a state park in Tennessee. We are on a little Road Trip. Love it here. Sun’s out, cicadas are buzzing, etc. The day seems full of Promise. stayed up til 3 a.m. talking to friends I haven’t seen in a year. Going to a country county fair later. My husband is joining us. There are millions of people all over the earth who would love to trade places with me. Or you. or almost any of us. So I agree. Try to appreciate anything good you have been given.

      • tryinghard

        Small miracles and joy in the simple. Love it.

    • Gizfield

      Cool! Thank you Trying Hard. I laugh all the time. My sense of humor is sarcastic, but not mean, and I usually have a good time. With time and distance, bad memories usually fade away so I really do have hope for all of us.

    • tryinghard

      Doug and Linda

      I’ve got to say you certainly know how to choose posts that illicit a lot of passion. While I don’t subscribe to Nicole’s post I understand what she is saying and that it was said with good intentions. I just don’t think it applies in most cases of infidelity. Maybe it did for hers and I hope others have found some healing in it. I can only compare it to a cancer. If I had cancer and wanted real treatment with real doctors and proven medicine I would seek out the most highly qualified doctors and hospitals, MD Anderson, Mayo Clinic, Cleveland Clinic etc. I would never consider going to Tijuana Mexico and let some inexperienced and uneducated person treat me for such a serious illness. This mental illness of infidelity is just as serious. While Nicole may have some personal and peripheral experience in dealing with infidelity matters, I certainly don’t see her as being an expert by any means and her comments should be treated as so. She is no more qualified than I, and I am NOT the least bit qualified, however she certainly has a right to her opinion just as we all do on this blog. She’s found a way to capitalize on her own experience and hurt and I say hooray for her. The American way. I however choose not to subscribe to her theory.
      You do a great job with posts but this one missed the mark. I do want to compliment you on the podcast you posted in the next post. It was great. This is the kind of professional support I expect from you guys.

      • Doug

        Hey tryinghard, Thanks for the feedback. I certainly respect your opinion. Just as is the case when Linda or I or any other guest poster writes something, you are free to agree or disagree with any opinions that are being expressed. Everyone here has different experiences and view things in various ways and I think that it’s important to share as many of those opinions that are appropriate to the theme of this site. There’s nothing wrong with some good debate either! BTW…when can we expect your article you were going to submit? 😉

        • tryinghard

          Exactly and I am happy I you received my feedback in the correct manner it was offered. We can learn something from everyone even those with whom we disagree. I love your site!

          OMG and LOL!! I know right!! I’ve been constructing what I want to write in my head and I’ve got to say I have been cracking myself up!! I will write it soon, but I need to reassure you it is no way poignant, just some humorous observations I have found in this crazy experience called infidelity. I have been so stupid busy at work since I fired my office help. ULK talk about biting your nose to spite your face. I promise I will get to my piece soon 🙂

          • Doug

            Sounds great. We’ll be waiting for your piece with baited breath!

    • Nicole

      Exercisegrace I agree and respect everything you said. I think we can all agree that each persons situation is different. I want to say once again I have never said it is your fault your husband had an affair or that you are on any way responsible for their happiness.

      You can take my post and look at it as I am putting out my dirty laundry and if it does not apply then so be it. I agree most people have affairs because of their own self worth /esteem , which would be why making sure you are doing all you can to build them up. Trust me I know some of you already were. Some were not. How many have heard something like this from your husband (I just can’t win with you or I can’t make you happy or you don’t listen to me?

      Have you created a safe place for him? Do you know he loves you so much but fears your judgement ? Do you know at times he has felt like a failure as man because he could not please to most important person in his life? Or that he felt like he was in a competition with you?

      Ask your husband if he has felt any of those things. Ask if he liked talking the the ow because he really did not care what she thought because he did not need to impress her, or that he felt needed and he enjoyed making her happy. She accepted he help and advice. She added value to him. The simple act of making her happy was probably like a drug because that relates back to so many other things. Remember this is not for everyone.

      I wanted to understand why this happened and knowing my husbands point of view , what he believed I felt and thought about him gave me the window I needed to see the truth.

      I would like to know then if nothing I have said resonates with you, what then is your husbands reason for having an affair and how will you protect your marriage in the future ?

      I want peace and healing for each person. I want families to stay together. I want no one to suffer the pain of infidelity. I want real change in our country for how men and women interact in marriage. My hopes are more than healing from infidelity and it does start with many people taking off their rosé colored glasses.

      • exercisegrace

        Nicole, thanks for the peaceful and healing wishes. To answer your questions…..prior to the affair we had been married for almost twenty five years. It was a good marriage, and my husband used to always refer to us as an amazing team. His affair partner was someone he had worked and been friends with for several years prior to any boundaries being crossed. He saw it as a “safe” relationship. Then life happened. A death in the family, the economy tanked his decades old successful business, we moved, had a baby, and so on. He became clinically depressed. While he would tell you that I loved, respected and supported him during this time he would also tell you that the “you’re a failure” voices from an abusive childhood were loud in his head. He was afraid of not being able to provide for his family. My suggestions to/willingness to move, sell the business, etc fell on deaf ears. I began to be more and more insistent that he seek help for his depression: counseling, medication etc. It was during this time frame that the OW….by her OWN admission….developed feelings for him. Instead of backing away from her very married friend, she would later admit she set out to “win” him. She took advantage of the inside track on our personal life and used it to her advantage. While I was pushing him to get help, she was insisting that he didn’t need it. “I” was the problem and “she” had the answers. Despite his admitting to her he was suicidal with a plan, a fact I didn’t know, she talked him out of seeking help. She had a history of psychological issues herself and also a history of getting involved with married men. But we would not find those things out until much too late. He wanted to believe he didn’t need help, that he was “ok”, he had it under control. He wanted to believe she was just being his friend. For him, it was never about helping her, advising her or making her happy. It was about the false image of himself that she reflected back to him. That was his drug. He liked the attention he got with no demands, no expectations. She helped him create an alternate universe where there were no bills, no young children, no dying parents, no financial woes. Her praise carried more weight, because she spoke his professional language and worked with all the same people and issues. Her voice became louder than mine because she told him what he wanted to hear, not what he NEEDED to hear. He would also tell you that he never found her physically attractive. She pushed that part of the relationship and it became the price he paid for his drug of attention.

        He never failed to please me. He knew he had my love. His own brokenness just overcame him. He once told me that I supported him, trusted him and believed in him to my own detriment. He said he will go to his grave regretting that he betrayed the one person he knew loved him the most in life. I am thankful he and we have been getting counseling. He is overcoming issues from his past. Learning to be more honest with HIMSELF about his feelings, his emotions, and the depression he still battles. THAT is what will protect our marriage in the future. I am and have been more than willing to address any issue I need to. I trust him and our three counselors when they say I did what I could do. I could not fix what was broken inside of him.

        • Nicole

          That is heartbreaking and makes me sad. What you are saying about the alternate universe is similar to what happened here. Many of the other women purposefully try to sabotage and ruin other marriages especially if they know the husband really loves his wife. You did mention his was worried about providing for his family which probably made him feel less than within himself.

          For me when I took the time to u understand my husbands pain it made it possible to heal and forgive. I think that when you have a real knowing of your partner you see what they tell you is true. Those childhood wounds are a tuff one to overcome. My husbands father paid for an attorney for his ex wife to take way his kids. Marriage and parenting are 2 places we can grow so much. I do very much know that we have to review what we believe because so much of it is what our parents,the media and our social circle told us.

          It sounds like he is a really lucky man to have you as his wife and I know he holds your love and forgiveness to be more previous than gold. I would love for you to share how you have grown and what you have learned from this.

        • Paula

          EG, I have resisted commenting on this post, also, as I also felt that Nicole was almost “too far along” in her healing – but I knew that my judgement of that was nothing more than jealousy that I am not, more than four years out. I am so very, very glad that some heal, and do so relatively quickly, good for you Nicole. I was pretty on track for the first two years, but then the permanence truly hit home – I mean, I knew the night I found out that our lives had been altered forever, but it took two years for me to realise that maybe I couldn’t live with that. We also had a fabulous relationship – and we talked about that, he always praised me, and made me feel like we were a team, madly in love the whole way through those two decades, through death of a parent, business worries, young babies to teens, multiple miscarriages, all of life’s curveballs thus far. I also praised him, there was a lot of mutual love, respect and admiration. He is not a major talker, but he told me over and over that his life was so much better for having me in it, night time was our time, snuggled up on the couch every night, spooned together after lovemaking and close intimate talks, he couldn’t bear to sleep without my skin against his. We were the lucky ones. We also had people often comment on our bond, and how happy we were. My best friend had us on a pedestal, lol! We also had a jealous single, a bit of a nutter (sociopath) as the OW – and the worst of it is I invited her back into our lives – I now know I was trying to help her, I did it out of “pity” for how her life had ended up – I mean she had a surface good life, money, home, good job, but no peace or love in her personal life, a sad, lonely, lost girl. Silly me, oh well. In our case, we have also had a lot of counselling, with all the counsellors agreeing that we had a very good relationship, but what caused armageddon was his inability to express his sense of loss, and truly let me in when it got very hard. He knows this, his family of origin are rug sweepers, not bad people, just that feelings are embarrassing, just try to ignore them, and they’ll go away! My vulnerabilities were such that this has hit much harder than it might have many others, as I have brought my own baggage to the table, also, baggage I thought I had pulled out, inspected, turned over, refolded and repacked nicely. Not so. The very carefully packed suitcase exploded in my face, and the scars are still causing me deep pain. I wish it were otherwise, I know that “happiness is a choice,” forgiveness is for me,” all of the usual things. I do make a great deal of space in my life for the small things, the tiniest of pleasures. I still smile, but I rarely laugh so hard I could pee, anymore! The gloss, the glitter that I felt my life had areas gilded with is now too blemished for the bling to stick. In fact, he says that – the sparkle is gone from my life, from my face. That all sounds very self pitying, I have had that. I don’t pity me anymore, I feel sad that we still love each other very deeply, but that we can no longer be life partners, but I also feel exceptionally blessed to have him in my life, and to have had the chance to grow, to become more rounded, more of a grown up! I am glad our children have been included in this journey, that we have been honest and open with them, that they see our love and respect for each other, that two people who love each other can hurt each other deeply, but that the love is permanent, and will survive even separation. That is my version of true love in the way my life has unfolded 🙂

          • Nicole

            Paula ,
            Your story touches me deeply as I read I feel your loss. I always question why such a beautiful love suffers such incredible loss. I remember identifying that all I wanted was not to be cheated on and it hit me so hard that in 20 years this was still going to be true. My husband who loved,adored and spoiled me has now been unfaithful. The only way I found peace was to look into my husband and understand his pain. I can even say in an odd way I am thankful the other woman was kind to him at a time when he needed it. She ended up showing her true colors in a disgusting manipulative way and her “friendship” was not genuine at all which honestly was sad.

            My husband and I were very close as well, very intimate and snuggled in similar ways. I can imagine your husband lives with the pain of regret that I never want to know. You said you still love him and can not be life partners so I of course wonder why that is and what the infidelity means to you? I can tell by your writing that your loss in undeniable. I felt like our marriage our love was not as worthy as other couples that were monogamous. Like I worse the scarlet letter, I was less of a woman because of this then I really new that to embrace this and forgive was to embody a feminine grace that before I really only knew in concept. You Paula seem to possess that beautiful quality already. I do agree that going through this made me an adult as you said and I agree that a certain sparkle and innocence in gone never to return, my question is this; is it really wrong for that to be gone or is it all in the progress of my evolution? I had to redefine love. I had to let go of my young woman ideas and embrace love is so much more that what I perceived in a Disney movie accepting that cost me but gave me the gift of removing my rosé colored glasses from my life and took of the restraints holding me back from being me. I was me own worst enemy I judged me and always tried to hide myself because if my husband saw all of me well he could not possibly love me. He always saw all of me just as I saw him, it was each of us not accepting ourselves that caused more harm than any other single thing.

            I want to say also I have felt of a bit of a fake when I talk to people and say I am happily married and have a great husband. Once again hiding myself and thinking for others. So really with making this public on this website I really owned it. I own my husband had an affair and when it’s in the light it some how looses more and more power. It’s as if I’m saying so what because really today it does not matter. The OW deserves nothing from me and she damn sure will not get my husband,my joy or any other part of my life. I refocused on what I want( once I accepted that I could not undo the affair), I put my energy on creating a new life. I ask all of you what will it cost if nothing changes and as you move toward healing who are you becoming? I admire each person on here exactly where you are in the healing process. It is yours and you are where you are suppose to be. I hold a place of love and light for you knowing you have courage and strength to carry you anywhere you decide you want to go. I write an write because I want each of you to be free from the daily pain of infidelity. It is like a cancer and an addiction wrapped all in one neat package. I can take your life and your dignity as a worst case scenario. So please search with in to see where each and everyone of you is stuck. Ask yourself the questions I listed above. Our answers are as individual as the circumstances of the affairs. One day ill explain what was so bad for me because I was able to identify how it made me feel. It brought me to a bad and dark place from when I was 22 years old. In a situation when people hurt me and I could not stop them. I could not defend myself or my boundaries. In the affair I felt this way but why it was so horrible was my husband entered my in this battle and allowed me to get hurt instead of protecting and defending. What underlying issue or emotion most often do you feel when the affair comes up. Notice it stay with it allow yourself the space to feel it -like Paula said.

            Ill bet you a big part of your healing will come from sitting with the pain. Love and healing to all. Sincerely from my heart.

            • Paula

              Okay Nicole . I can’t and won’t do fake. I am unable to pretend to the world that I am okay. I have worked through the many, many steps along this journey. It took me a long, long time to accept that I cannot continue with this cheater. But I am more unhappy without him. Catch 22. What do you do? You don’t do what you’ve always done. I make changes. And please, please do not ever use a phone whilst driving. You are obviously not a parent of teen drivers . Phones go off in my car. So dangerous. Too many unnecessary deaths because a text can’t wait.

    • JennyN

      I have found this post interesting…and the responses to it.

      I am far from perfect, and was far from perfect in my marriage. I am at peace with the role it may or may not have played in the dynamics of our relationship. I believe we get into intimate relationships to heal something in our lives….my journey with infidelity is creating that opportunity for me. Their has been so much growth and healing even if it is not completed yet.

      I actually experienced the rose colored glasses you talk about as how I viewed my relationship, and specifically my husband.

      I did not think he would do anything like have an affair….not because I was perfect, but because his internal frame of reference would not allow it. I had him so built up in my mind….that was what did not compute.

      When there was something wrong in the interactions between us I tended to blame myself, and also try to “fix” it all myself also.

      Just recently I am starting to see how this image I had of him, our relationship, etc was a building built on a poor foundation. I believed his words, not his actions, ESPECIALLY when they were contradictory. I constantly was trying to adjust. I failed to see my own personal worth both as a wife, but as an individual. I believe I taught him how to treat me. I thought he was not capable of this kind of behavior….even when I had a lot of evidence showing me differently I never connected the dots that 1 +1 = 2. That to me is viewing through rose colored glasses

      I am over three years out from the affair. We are no longer married (he married his affair partner). I have done a lot of hard work, on the only person I can….me. It is only now though that I am coming to realize that I was not living in reality, I was living in a fantasy world where I was always the bad guy, the villian, and the one who had to make it all perfect….for him, even when it compromised me. Did I get something from that….you bet. It was not about being a victum as much as it was about trying to control everything around me….by taking it all on.

      I do think rose colored glasses played a role in the infidelity in my life.

      I do find removing them has created a lot of space and freedom for me. I am learning that though painful, at least I know what I am dealing with in reality….

      I think that takes time for each person individually, and I imagine as a couple to sort that all out. I also suspect that it looks different at different stages in healing….

      I was healing at year one, but find as time goes on I come back to some of the topics and get to look at it again I see it clearer, more distinctly etc. That sounds like something we all are experiencing.

    • Nicole

      Oh my JennyN how beautiful and amazing. I do relate to you. I did not see myself in the correct way in my marriage which caused my behavior to be very poor. I martyred myself so I could continue to be angry. I allowed things to go on that were not at all ok with me but I nonetheless handled my anger wrong ;allowing it to turn into bitterness and resentment. Then lets all guess what happened next I was not nice and someone came around that was nice that did not know our history and he could be anything he wanted around her.

      I agree 1000% that relationships are an opportunity to heal ourselves. When I 1st staring reading your post I thought it was mine. I believe somewhere in our lives God is going to get your attention ,slow you down and for me infidelity was the only way to cut through my cold exterior. I could shrug off most anything but not this. I was paralyzed with grief. I sobbed and wished it was not true. I really can not put my despair into words.

      So all of you that seemed to think I am this or that , maybe you should feel glad I was able to find peace so I don’t live in that place of agony.

      • livingonafence

        I just re-read this. Your husband cheating wasn’t God’s way of getting your attention.

        So far you’ve blamed yourself, the world at large, and now God. YOUR HUSBAND CHEATED. He did it because he’s needy and selfish and unable to be a big boy and talk about his problems. How have you addressed that problem? How have you addressed your husband’s inability to cope with his own unhappiness?

        I see so much “finding the good” in your posts. When did you actually address the problem within your H? So his ego wasn’t overinflated. So he wasn’t feeling sexy or wanted or whatever else he used to excuse cheating. So f’n what? That means he gets to cheat? Where is the part where you take off your rose colored glasses and own up to being married to a broken, selfish, immature person that lacks coping skills and boundaries? I must have missed that.

        I’m sorry – but claiming your husband cheating was God’s way of getting your attention? You’re kidding with that one, right?

        The denial about what really happened is staggering.

        • Exercise grace

          LOAF, you pretty much nailed it. What was HIS introspection? Where was her safe place created? According to our very educated, qualified and experienced counselor this is a long process. While everyone moves at their own pace, one of the big dangers for all involved is to live in denial and over-assume responsibility for the cheating spouses crap.

    • JennyN

      Nicole-

      I don’t know if we are similar or not; that was not the point of my post…..actually connection in that way was not important to me either with you or with the other people in responding. I don’t mean that as harsh or cold, but it is important to me, that it be clear that I was not trying to take sides on this debate, I was trying to formulate something for my own personal journey. I suspect that is what this whole post/process is about, and I appreciate you all giving me the space to do that.

      My point was that in my experience the rose colored glasses was part of the problem, NOT who the glasses were aimed at. I imagine ALL of us on this board had some part of the rose colored glasses part going on….at ourselves, at our spouses, at our affair partner. To me the glasses signified fantasy, not reality, and for me this was the problem.

      I will be honest I did not have the tools to deal with the world in any way other then the way that I did. It was why I got into this relationship, why I created the habits I did etc. It was this relationship (affair included) that made me hit bottom so bad that my only choice was healing, or staying stuck and never moving forward. I am grateful for what I choose.

      Beating myself up for where I was when I met, married and struggled with my spouse will do nothing for me. I can’t change the past. Also beating myself up for my spouse’s habits, ways etc that HE brought into the relationship with me is not dealing in reality. I can in no way fix them, control if he wants to fix them and make them better etc. I also have no say over his feelings.

      In our relationship I thought I had some control over those pieces for him.

      Now, I feel strongly that I have two choices always in my life. I control my own behavior (not my feelings, but what I choose to do with them). I also have a choice to decide what is acceptable for me in my life with another person’s behavior….

      I had this very mixed up previously, maybe that is where my rose colored glasses came from.

      For me it is irrelevant to the topic of rose colored glasses if you stay together or not after the infidelity.

      I could be alone or with my partner, but still be living in a fantasy world, and be impacted by the distortions those glasses provide.

      I am still, three years out impacted by those glasses. I still at times have to sort out what is mine and what is somebody else’s (including his). That does not mean that it is not better then it was. I could not just rip the glasses off….that would be so bright it would burn my eyes. It has been a slow, lightening process, and all I think we as humans can expect of ourselves.

      I don’t think it is important where anyone is on this journey, sad, mad, furious, martyred, even happy. Feelings change, but we don’t if we don’t keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am more healed now then I was yesterday, but I had to feel all those feelings to get to this spot. I am not as healed as I will be tomorrow, because I am letting myself have those feelings.

      Again thanks for the post and all the responses. This is really helping me to step back, look at the big picture and work on the pieces I am responsible for, me, myself and I and my own reality.

    • livingonafence

      Wow – take a weekend off. Giz, you’re right about the OP “Nicole”.
      Nicole, getting angry and insulting people that don’t agree with you? You may have learned how to ‘treat’ your husband, but you haven’t learned much else from this have you? You’re angry, bitter, and DEMAND that you be heard or else!! You tell your story again and again – I, I, I!!! You don’t seem very interested in anyone’s happiness. You seem very interested in getting credit for ‘helping ‘others find that happiness. You want to be the expert, the person with the answers. If someone doesn’t view you that way, you have no problem telling them how wrong they are and then you insult them.
      Most of us use this board to vent on things related to the affair because dragging them up at home often isn’t going to be productive. We aren’t here every day and we don’t play VICTIM anymore. You see a few posts on a message board and decide that is exactly who we all are.
      You may have read more books than are needed and paid for a ‘coaching’ certificate (a very cheap way around actually getting a degree and the related education required, imo), but you aren’t good at reading people or understanding situations, again imo. If you really were a poster here and not someone looking to build a business you would know more about at least some of us, but you don’t.

      I hope things work out for you personally, I really do. I also worry greatly about anyone that pays you for ‘coaching’ services. You’re very wrapped up in how great you are, what you’ve done and are doing (case in point – why was the fact that you were driving while typing important? Did we need to know how dedicated you were and what lengths you would go to?) and not interested in learning and growing basedon constructive criticism.

      BTW, the only person that was ‘encouraging’ originally was me, but you spent so much time demanding that you DID have a coaching certificate because I called you out on no professional degree that you couldn’t even admit that. Tip for next time: Say something like :”Why thank you for your comments. I do have a coaching certificate, which required that I did X, Y and Z, and also I’ve been a bit of a hobbyist for many years. Many have found that coaches provide the support and guidance that is needed, and I’m happy to provide that support to anyone that desires. I hope that clears things up for you, and thanks again!” This might work better than an full frontal attack. Also, you asked a poster here about her story, which she had actually posted just a few posts up. Listening is a critical skill in the mental health profession, or in coaching. It’s about the other person, not the ‘professional’. There’s a skill you need to work on. I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but it’s true.

      In closing, thank you for your article! Most of us have moved past this point and only need a place to vent or discuss thoughts that come up. We’re really past the point of thinking we were perfect or wondering just how on earth our spouses could have done such a thing. We’ve moved on but still have the occasional need to just get something off of our chests. We understand that it may look to an outsider that we are stuck in some victim mentality, but we all know better. That’s a good thing too, because some of your wording, that you defended without question, would have been quite harmful for anyone that is new to the entire affair world.
      Perhaps you should stop attempting to fix the world as a way to prove how fixed you are when you don’t appear to be all that fixed. Getting foot rubs is nice but it doesn’t solve that esteem problem that is so often really a shattering after an affair. Proving you can help others isn’t going to fill that hole anymore than foot rubs will.
      Good luck in the future, and i hope you learned something with this experiment.

      And Doug, letting some ‘expert’ come here and insult posters that don’t agree? Not cool. Saying anyone can post their opinions is one thing, but when you drag up an ‘expert’ there is an expectation that the insults won’t come flying from that side. I have to agree – this one missed the mark completely.

    • livingonafence

      Whoops – my mistake. The CS that posts here also was encouraging. That might be telling – no offense EO. I do mean that sincerely – no offense.

    • CBB

      Doug and Linda,
      I’ve been following this blog for a couple of years now and still want to asure you I’m very glad I did/do! The posts are inspiring, head on, disarming, comforting and confronting at times…
      This time I must agree with the tone above, “disappointed” is my feeling. I love the site for it’s honesty, sence of reallity in this very complex material. I love the “emotional intellingence” of the responces. I alway’s liked the thin lines you walked between the effort you put in and the return on investment. I apreciated the honesty not pretending to be professionals, though I have my reservations on the personal coaching .
      It made me consider upgrading my membership -as a way of thanking you for the effort – not for the extended info. Through this site I got on free mailinglists from different indirectly connected sources were the moneymaking for tips and tricks is obvious.
      As just a posters opinion I wouldn’t have reacted, I kind of get what you and Nicole were trying to point out but think the responces showed more maturity.
      To good to be trueand if it is true to naïve to beleive that this is the way of solving (totally agree with the cancer comparison TH!) But yet ‘clever’ enough to want to capitalize it! “the American way”…
      Sorry, I’m not american and I don’t like people seeking to take advantage of anyone’s misery or thrust just for their own benefit, – laking moral boundaries… One of the mayor reasons this site is here.
      Nicole you’re entitled to your opinion, you have the right to publish a book but not to mislead others. imo you overstepped a boundary in the way you answerd the comments, it makes me doubt your goodwill. Sorry if this is hard but I think most of us readers here woke up to a world were not everybody means well…. And If you do it sounds very naïve…

      • tryinghard

        CBB
        Agree with everything you said. “The American Way” was a tongue in cheek statement from me. America, land of the free where anyone can hang a shingle, call themselves a “professional” and make a lot of money! Was totally being factious. I’ve seen countless people totally buy into charlatans scams in this country, and it’s sad. They are sad and desperate. Needless to say I wouldn’t give Nicole a dime of my money and I am in no need or her “coaching” advice. Someone else may think she’s brilliant. Good for them and her.

      • Doug

        CBB, thanks for your feedback as well and for the kind words (I think they were kind). As you stated, Nicole is entitled to her opinion as she is a member of this site just as most everyone else who comments is. If you or any other member wanted to write a post, we would offer the same opportunity as long as it was relative to the site (and we would link back to your site if you had one). Whether or not we agree with a guest poster’s opinion isn’t really an issue as no one ever agrees with everything we or anyone else says 100% of the time.

        In our opinion, Nicole is just another person who has experienced infidelity who wanted to share and express her opinion and/or experiences – and perhaps help some people while doing so. Obviously, some of her replies to comments were not taken well by many of you, and she may not have been very PC in her delivery. If you’ve been a reader of this site for any length of time, you know that happens occasionally.

        With over 700 posts and 22,000 comments, I’m glad that this sort of negative response is a rarity. 😉

        We appreciate all of your (and everybody else’s) contributions, and the sharing of experiences and opinions as we feel that is what makes this site unique and helpful to those who read it.

    • CBB

      TH, got the message… I lived in the US for a couple of years, just quoting you because I liked It and just because I happen to be European :-))
      As for EG with you in that mess, in my case the harassement is so subtle she makes sure there’s no proof and makes sure that if I would comment I’m the jealous wife misinterpreting …even my H Still bys into it sometimes. I have something even more subtle in mind for next week hoping to set her straight. You might see is as revenge. But it’s just letting her understand “don’t mistake my kindness with weakness ….”. She has got us in a position were she could make everything blow up in our face, that’s the reason I have to keep quiet .

      • Exercise grace

        CBB, so sorry you share this added pain. Even sorrier that your husband buys it. The only good thing about this parasite going batshit crazy was that it made him see who she really is.

    • EyesOpened

      LOAF – no offense taken. The irony had not escaped me either.

      Tell you what I see… I think Nicole is actually ‘reaching out’. I can see someone in massive pain trying to fix it in her own way. Problem is on this site – you lot are so ‘tuned in’ there’s no covering up the truth.

      Have to admit I lost respect during the texting whilst driving – because all I could think is ‘you might have killed someone’!

      However – looking through my rosé tinted glasses – I’m still trying not to magnify my h’s bad points and it is actually working!

      • tryinghard

        EO and LOAF
        LOL!! I think you are right on EO. I read a lot of hurt and torment in her posts as well. I feel for her and she is searching for answers just as we all are.
        I don’t know who is or is not wearing the rose colored glasses. Was it the CS in how he/she viewed the affair and the AP wearing the “rose collored glasses” and used the “magnifying glasses” on their spouse and marriage to find fault??? Do the BS have the rose colored glasses thinking they are perfect in all ways?? I don’t know. I think lots of people are wearing the “rose colored glasses” and so what does that really mean that we all haven’t said a million different ways. The one comment I found odd was her statement about being grateful that her H had someone to turn to when he was hurting. HUH??? WTF I guess we could say the same thing about a bottle of booze or pills had he/she turned to that instead of having an affair. I think really the bigger message in her statements is we DO have to get over the hurt and pain of the actual affair to move on. OK, we get that, AD NAUSEUM !!! Yep we have to see the good qualities, not just the sin. WE GET THAT!!! She just has a very sophomoric way of presenting it.

      • livingonafence

        EO, thanks. It is ironic, isn’t it?

        I think she’s in pain and a whole lot of denial. If she’s this ‘over’ her husband cheating in just one year she’s the only person on the planet to heal that quickly. I suppose someone that doesn’t much care for their spouse would be over it, but that isn’t her claim. She may very well feel better about herself by helping others, but more likely she feels like she’s learned so much from this and wants to share it with others. I think we all get that 😉 but it isn’t really healthy to claim true and total recovery. Seems more like running from the pain instead of dealing with it. I’m not her so who knows for sure, but we all become experts in affairs quickly after being cheated on. We want answers and we’ll look anywhere and spend anything to get them. Sadly, they aren’t out there. We dive in head first and nothing, and I mean nothing, else matters. Our world is shattered and we need to know how to put it back together. She may have dove so deeply into it that it gave her an escape from the pain – a new focus. I do see a tremendous amount of “i, i, i” in her posts, which kind of says she’s still very much involved in her husband’s affair. Again, I see a lot of denial.

        Yeah, I didn’t get the driving comment either. Other than telling us she lacks regard for others on the road or her own safety, what was that about? I really do think she wanted to ‘prove’ how dedicated she is.

        EO, we all need to do that in every aspect of life. We can all say what’s wrong with our jobs, our family, our body and our spouse. If we dwell on that it’s all we’ll see. The reverse is also true – focus on the positives in life and soon that’s all we’ll see.

        EO, I’m wondering something and i hope you don’t mind my asking: You’ve mentioned several times about having to focus on the positive, as if it’s all forced. If you feel negativity toward your H to the point of having an A and still you see so many bad things in him, why stay? I’m not judging here – I’m genuinely wondering. It seems like getting over an affair, at least to the point life is livable, is such hard work. If your heart isn’t in it, why not use this as a chance to start over? What is the driving force behind staying? Again, not judging at all! It’s just a really interesting set of circumstances.

    • Tryinghard

      I have no problem with each of us having differing opinions or anyone disagreeing with mine. I say bring it all on. It makes you think and I like that. I have a problem when somebody expects to be paid for their opinions. Had Nicole posted as one of us I believe we would have all been welcoming, supportive and open to her thoughts. It’s when someone pretends to be something of that which they are not that raise my hackles and suspicions. I’ve been fooled enough to last a life time so I guess lesson learned again. I’m just smarter this time.

    • Strengthrequired

      One thing I won’t do, is take my h having an ea as a fault of my own. I didn’t hold a gun to his head and say have an ea. I value my marriage, yet there was a hole that was big enough for a worm to slither through. The on,y rose colored glasses I wore, was thinking my h wouldn’t hurt me, not ever, thinking my marriage was safe and secure. Were we stuck in a rut, yes, life got in the way, as well did that worm that found the hole.
      My h and myself, we aren’t perfect, and I never held onto the belief we were, you call it god got your attention, I say it was a slap in the face, a wake up call.
      The pain of the betrayal from the one person you truly put all your faith love and trust in,now that takes longer than a year to heal from. Each day gets easier, and hopefully one day a distant memory.
      One thing we learn from by this ea, is you can’t let life take over, you need to continually work on your marriage, keep making sure there are no worm holes, keep treating with pesticides.
      The person wearing the rose colored glasses was my h ow, thinking she was a better choice for my h, and that I was worthless to him and she was everything.

    • Gizfield

      I’ve been off here a couple of days, been really busy. I dont hsve a problem with people making a reasonable amount of money if they are helping people, like Doug and Linda. My main complaint with Nicole’s post was the repeated comments basically saying affairs occur because the affair partner is “nice” and the spouse is “not nice”. My personal opinion is that affair partners are chosen because they hsve demonstrated a willingness to have an inappropriate relationship with a person who is married. Not because they are nice. They will do this stuff them claim they didn’t “know it was wrong.” Sure you didn’t, thats why you were sneaking and lying. If you are doing anything with someones spouse that you couldn’t do in front of ANYONE, you know you are sneaking.

    • Strengthrequired

      We all have a good reason to cheat then, because if we pushed our spouses to cheat, then what have they done to us?
      Unfortunately that would be a never ending cycle, of tit for tat.

    • Nicole

      You are exactly right so it is best that one person in the marriage rise above and end the tit for tat. By the way I am not in pain. I think you would prefer that because I have heard a couple of comments that seem you think I am lying about my time frame. It is 100% true. I looked for understanding and I found it but really understanding him.

      Yes I am glad she was kind to him because I know where he was emotionally and it was a terrible time.

      It was God way of getting my attention or you csn call it a wake up call because I had many things I wanted to change and heal but I was shut down like a full security prison so I had to break in order to heal.

      It’s all a matter of perception.

      • Strengthrequired

        If you have well and truly healed Nicole, then I am one that won’t begrudge you of that. I will congratulat you for finding what worked for you. I am happy that at least someone has found their way clear of all this mess.
        Everyone has their own time frame to heal, thankfully for you, you are an exception to the rule, where most of us still have triggers. It doesn’t mean we haven’t moved forward in our healing, it just means the scars are still there.
        It is just like how some people have high tolerance to pain and some have a low tolerance to pain, although it hurts us all, some need more time to heal.
        You seem to be one of the lucky ones.
        Yet can I just say, we are all at different stages in our recovery and although each of our stories are very similar, they also have parts that are different.
        Good on you for finding what works for you.

      • Strengthrequired

        I didn’t say that I prefer you to be in pain.
        I would prefer none of us in pain, I would prefer not to have gone through this nightmare, yet guess what here I am… Here we are.

    • CBB

      Yes Doug, I did mean it in a kind way! Most of us on this site are kind people. And I’m sorry Nicole -if you mean what you say- I would also see it as escaping in denial and trying to prove you’re the perfect wife now, so why would anyone leave you or hurt you again? It’s true, we’re usually in so much pain after betrayal that we only focus on our hurt and what we need to survive (because in the beginning that’s the only thing you can). I remember the time I got out of the drowning faze and decided I wanted to give this marriage another chance. For my H to feel safe to open up again I had to change my focus on the good just for both of us. It’s a thin line… I would want to let him know I still cared and wasn’t prepared to throw it all away without a fight but I wasn’t going to be a doormat, I was not changing myself into his “fantasyimage” of the perfect wife I could probably never live up to anyway. It’s hard enough to stand up for yourself because most of us just lost all our self-esteem in just one second of time… So instead of tying to be the “saint” and forgive and look at your own flaws I think trying to get a realistic picture of ourselves, our H and our marriage would be a good start. And it’s NOT easy….

    • Battleborn

      Perhaps the one who wears the rose colored glasses is the OW/OM since she/he is the one who is hoping for the AP to leave his marriage for them. There are three sides to an affair BS, CS and OP. Two of them wear the glasses and the other one is considered the one who pushed their CS to have an affair. Just my opinion….

      • CBB

        In my case the OW is not hoping for my H to leave the marriage for her, it just a conquest in being irresistible and then pretending she never meant it that way. She’s supposed to have the perfect marriage LOL. But now that she got caught it’s like she wants revenge for that by interfering in the healing (and I was actually kind enough to believe she didn’t meant any harm; in the beginning I told nobody to save her reputation as well !!)

    • Nicole

      CBB I think you summed that up pretty muc perfect as for the overall meaning of my original post. I submitted whst I wrote and they sent it out. I remember the drowning phase and I would think people here would be in various stages of recovery.

      My meaning is not that I am perfect. Not at all and I will LOL that. What allowed me freedom from all this was really understanding him,his thoughts and really the fact he was carrying a lot of hurt in general and about our marriage. If I did not see that ,take responsibility for the things I could it would be impossible for me (not saying anyone else) to move forward in my marriage. In my mind that would have left me unsafe and vulnerable. I do feel that the more I listen to him,what is important and make an effort to put those things into our everyday life that it is unlikely this would happen again. That is not about me being a perfect wife it is just making the effort I (not everyone ) know is needed to maintain a long and happy marriage. I promise you he does the same,he goes above and beyhond to make me happy. He is really a different person. He always tried so hard but it was in his own way and I did not accept those efforts.

      CBB you sound like you have a real good understanding of where you want to go and knowing is half the battle. Remember things that are put on this website are not for everyone or every affair but I can not be the only woman (I know I am not) that knows I was hurtful towards my husband and my actions added to the decline of his self. Nope I did not cause it. Not at all and no he did not handle himself correctly but he is human and my seeing that allows me to love him even more. I understand most of you think I am foolish but I am not sure why. I found a path to healing that allowed me the transmute a lifetime of pain for myself and give him something he needed so so much unconditional love. I wanted that. I wanted to give that gift. Not because I am perfect or any other reason people are here think but ONLY BECAUSE I WANTED TO.

      Thank you CBB for being able to restate in a softer way and in a way maybe people can recieve. I stand by my original post and is true for me. .

      • CBB

        Sorry Nicole, if I (and maybe more above) seem harsh, jealous or unrespect full of your feelings. Most of us “hard commentators” don’t mean any harm. But you rose suspicion by linking it to some personal profit and we are probably very suspicious to anything smelling deceit . I think I get a feeling of what you were trying to tell. But as one further along the road I don’t think “unconditional love” is what our H need (they already had it once) It’s love even though he made a mistake, and I should think there always is one condition : “respect ” for that love. (not gratitude, not pity, not compassion, not sorry nor self-pity…) If that’s no condition I’m afraid he won’t understand his part in your hurt. Read more posts and you’ll see a lot more people going through that faze.
        I do wish I could believe you, and believe it will last and even get better, at least think about it….

      • chiffchaff

        I have a foot in each camp on this article and the comments below but Nicole – many have asked why you posted that you were texting while driving, fast, in your car. You haven’t answered that. why did you mention it and why do you think it’s an appropriate thing to mention? I hate texting drivers as much as I hate drink drivers.

    • livingonafence

      I realize there is some selective responding going on here, and that’s fine. I’m still seeing that Nicole found ‘peace’ by accepting blame and feeling pity for her husband. He isn’t accountable for his actions because he was in pain. She was determined to be a ‘good wife’. She is even glad the OW was there for her husband. Sounds like she’s accepted blame and is working on her. Other than her H behaving ‘better’ he isn’t accountable for his actions. After all, if Nicole had been nicer it wouldn’t have happened.

      What a load of crap. Responding to a bad situation with worse behavior does NOT make said worse behavior OK. It shows a very weak character, and now it’s one that’s been rewarded with sympathy and understanding.

      Sure, we all benefit by understanding why our CS’s cheated. That doesn’t mean we no longer hurt, and it damned sure doesn’t mean that he/she is off the hook regarding trust, etc. I understand why a lot of people kill other people. That doesn’t mean I think it’s ok in the end that that’s the route they took because they lacked coping skills for whatever situation they were in.

      So Nicole, how is your H accountable for what he’s done? How, other that your version of a ‘better wife’, has he worked on himself and changed? What steps were taken to get him to that point?

      • exercisegrace

        I would also add, how EXACTLY is it being KIND to someone to pull them into an affair that will potentially destroy their marriage, their family, their children, and everything else in their life? That is NOT kindness! Kindness is BACKING AWAY from a married friend for whom you feel an attraction. Kindness is pointing them in the direction of a qualified therapist and wishing them well.

    • chiffchaff

      I definitely had rose tinted glasses about my H and my marriage. I didn’t realise that I was in a boiling frog situation in my marriage.
      For my twopenneth, the affair caused me to look at myself very strongly. My safety net had gone and everything I thought I believed had been turned on its head. I could either drown in misery or do something else. But what I realise this far down the line of recovery is that, contrary to blowing smoke up my H’s arse, I will genuinely compliment him on what I like that he does in the same way that I would do for a close friend. If it’s real and merits it. I should not treat him worse or differently than I would a close friend. Similarly, if he hurts me I needed to tell him, like I would do with a close friend. If a close friend continues to hurt you and doesn’t change their disrespectful behaviour you eventually start to query the sense in continuing.
      In terms of my view of my H, I’m aware that he’s a person who needs alot of pumping up. He doesn’t like himself much and always looks to those around him for appreciation and justification of his self-worth. He’s a very skilled faker. He can fake his happiness and his confidence incredibly well. He was taught this by his family. He enjoys getting one up on someone. His family really enjoy that too. Because they need to feel better than everyone else in order to exist. so, I consider that this is an illness that my H suffers from that I cannot do anything practical about in reality but I can tell him when I think he’s faking. Me blowing smoke would encourage him to fake.
      Not sure where I’m going with this but I’m back from our hols where the last weekend with my in-laws was ok because it was mercifully short. I did have a fantastically revealing argument with my FIL though about homosexuality. spending time with my in-laws reminded me of how far my H has come over the last year-ish in trying to deal with the behaviours that his parents’ taught him and continue to exhibit themselves.

      • Jeddy

        I need to comment on this post – my h has been taught from a young age that when he walks into a room, he’s the most special person there. The whole family is like that because of their insecurities. I was taught the opposite – you’re nothing special, do better. This makes him very successful in a lot of parts of his life. While I’m in no way responsible for his affair, I am part of the problem in the marriage before the affair. We were going thru a tough time and I was no longer blowing sunshine up his arse. He, in typical insecure fashion, found a mousy hillbilly underling who was more than willing to do so. He said to me once while he denied the affair, ‘ if I wanted to cheat, do you know how many high powered beautiful lawyers I have to choose from?’. I know now that no one with brains beauty and power was going to find an insecure man a good catch, someone who’s secure trades up. He traded down because it made him feel superior. The whole family is in a business that surrounds them with people who have problems – so the family is always the most powerful (in their own eyes). I call it the worlds tallest midget syndrome. They couldn’t play in a field where they were constantly mentally intellectually and ethically challenged, their insecurities and failings would be exposed. As soon as my husband began to help his mother with her business, the culture she had fostered there became the family culture with which he had been raised. And he strayed. It was like watching a dog run across the highway, I knew this was going to end badly, however an ea was not at all what I worried about. The truth was finally exposed on new years eve – and when I pointed my theory out to him, I saw the fog lift. He now has to tell the rest of the family what he has done. He went to his mother’s overnight last night to explain the situation, since the business dynamic will be affected. Would have loved to heard that conversation. Now instead of focusing on what he has done, I can focus on the fact that I’m not the bat sh*t crazy one. But I also have to be sure to not get on my high horse if I want to work on my marriage. I need to give him what he needs. I need to be complimentary. He always did these things for me, and I know he feels that during our rough patch prior to the ea, that I quit on him. His perception is his reality, and I have to acknowledge that. Whether our marriage works out or not, I don’t want to repeat that behavior. So I’m in therapy to help myself and not view myself as “blameless cheated on spouse/martyr’. My mother owns that title already. I had no role in the ea but I did fail him in our marriage prior; we both did. and god help me, I love that lunkhead and have since the day I met him when I was 18 – 27 yrs ago. I need to take a hard look at myself – regardless of my marriage – and I will be a better woman as a result. Because I can be a nasty b***h, which is not flattering. On that note, let me say the ow is hideous, and I’ve shown friends her picture on google and we’ve all had a good laugh. Not proud, but I’m doing it anyway.

    • tweet

      The issue with all of this is that Nicole makes broad statements in her original post, then backtracks through her multiple other postings when she is criticized. I think that the quote that all of us are having trouble with is this:
      “I want to say that it is NEVER your fault when a spouse cheats because we always have a choice. What I do want you to get a clear understanding of though is that just as our behavior will push our spouses to have an affair, our behavior – if used the right way – will make our spouses feel so loved, appreciated, adored and respected that they will not want to cheat.”
      It’s not our fault, but it is our fault.
      As others have said, she seems to be reflecting the views of other “experts”. I’m thinking especially of Dr. Laura (yes, I know that I have to stop listening to her!) When women, clearly in pain, call her, her first question is, “What have you done to cause your husband to have an affair?” Apparently, the answer is that the wife was not cute enough, sweet enough, sexy enough, ad nauseum….
      I am one of the betrayed spouses who was blindsided by my husband’s affair. Like exercisegrace and tryinghard, and so many others on this forum, I was a good wife and mother. I supported my husband in everything that he did, no matter what. I took care of our daughters, and raised them to be amazing young women. Every marriage has its ups and downs. I guess that’s why whoever wrote the original marriage vows knew that they needed to include “for better, for worse.” But also included in that vow is fidelity. And that’s the failure that we are all dealing with every single day.

    • CBB

      CC same here with the fake in-laws and the need to be superior even with ‘friends’. I have the feeling my H turned to the OW because she was similar in thinking and although I’m sure he fell for me for not being fake, suddenly we weren’t superior to everyone anymore and his mother kept faking and comparing and made him feel like a loser so she was needed again (he had absolutely no reason to feel that way) so imo he turned to what he knew best, faking and surrounding you by fake people who complement you and then go all the way to get one up. And when they pass the line of real friendship you just put them back in place and fake nothing ever happened. I found it very hard to have been fighting his fake mother just to see him run to someone as fake as her… but her harassment after the EA woke him up! I think its hard to see the real world as being a nice place when all you were told was a fake fairytale. maybe I was told one to : al people have a good side…

      • Jeddy

        Amen. See my reply to cc.

    • EyesOpened

      LOAF – why don’t I leave?

      1) I am a chicken
      2) I no longer trust my own judgement
      3) the negativity built up pre-affair and by the time I had the affair, I had exited the relationship in my heart and in my head
      4) when I tried to leave (pre and post affair) – he begged me to stay and try – see no. 1.
      5) When I was in fantasy land – breaking up my whole family and trampling on people hearts had a reason – the reason I created was to be with the AP
      6) my h has become a better person. He is now an engaged father, he is taking medication for his depression, he is working on himself and accepts my (now abundant but as much as I can manage constructive ) criticism .
      7) things are creeping slowly in the right direction but I did actually ‘let go’ of him in my head and I have to climb up the cliff I fell off
      8) I haven’t recovered from the shock of my actions
      9) I physically cannot regain my feelings of intimacy and cannot predict if and when they will return
      10) sexual intimacy means everything to my h and he used it to make himself feel better over and over again for years ( with no regard for whether I wanted it or was engaged or not – so long as he felt better). He was and maybe still is addicted (not rape just insistence and badgering and keeping me awake ALL night with stomping and bad moods)
      11) only time will tell if his efforts are real (not just to stop me going) or whether over time his unpredictable moods, manipulation, controling behaviour, sexual addiction, depression might return.
      12) coming from me this is rich….. But I still don’t TRUST him

      There. I’ve said it now. It feels better. Looking through that magnifying glass – his good qualities are: he’s kind and caring, he now allows me to spend quality time with the kids without making an anxious atmosphere, he engages and has fun much more frequently and tries to understand things from their perspective – he cleans, shops, cooks and gives me foot rubs ( he thinks he’s the only man alive that does this so ill have to refer him to this series of comments) LOL. He is trusting (still) and loves me more than seems possible and I love him. He is trying SO darn hard. Still want the intimacy but accepts no for an answer.(most of the time)

      The truth is – if I leave him -he says his world will end and that he doesn’t ever want to be a good friend. It’s relationship with intimacy or no relationship. It would break the kids hearts and I have done enough damage already. If I stay and he chooses to leave me – hopefully it could be amicable. If I stay and the magic comes back everyone will be happy.

      If I go – he will be alone and miserable (I realise he may meet someone else – I don’t think I’m indispensable but he does) but most of his family are deceased and he has very few friends because he was so bloody miserable all the time – then we moved. And what woukd i leave for… ? So I can rip the kids stability apart and find someone else to start a whole new fantasy with which will probably fall apart again…?

      I have such great foundations with my h – reading all the posts on here convinces me I can overcome essentially 1 big problem and a heap of crappy memories. I just need to magnify the positives. I’ll get there. I am DETERMINED to.

      As one poster said previously – I think I’ll hide for a while now because I’m certain I’ve got some wake up posts to read when I come back – and I’m quite scared to be honest!!

    • Gizfield

      Eyes Opened, a lot of what you describe sounds like domestic abuse, especially #10, badgering you for sex until you give in is not far from rape. My first husband, the alcoholic, did that to me and it is horrible. We are talking keeping me up all night when I had to get up early for work, calling me names, and accusing me of having sex with others. you hsve my sympathies.

      • livingonafence

        Also saying it’s all or none isn’t very healthy. It sounds like a threat honestly. You have my sympathies as well.

        • Disappointed

          It is all or nothing for me in regard to my CS. In my case it will shortly be nothing. I am his wife not his friend. He does not get to keep me in his life when he chooses the OW. If he is in my life I fear being stuck forever. He is a narcissist and I am just starting to realize all the damage he has done albeit with my misguided permission. Having him in my life would keep me from healing. And I can’t watch him being happy with the OW who destroyed her kids lives and has not been truthful about their continued affair.

    • Nicole

      Tweet can you tell me where I have back tracked?
      I reflect my own opinion based on my own very real experience

      Change the word push to something else or maybe I could reword it all together either way we very much have the opportunity to influence them by doing a number of things.

      Based on what you said you did everything right so did Anne Bercht Arthor of my husbands affair became the best thing that happened to me.

      You should read that it is a small window into what happens with a man who has a great marriage ,loves his wife,is attracted to her and is
      Against infidelity I bet you would find it helpful.

      • livingonafence

        Having the opportunity to influence someone does NOT mean it’s your (or my) fault that they behave badly simply because I didn’t ‘influence’ them in the manner they wanted.

        You still haven’t answered my question regarding the work your H has done. Has he done any?

    • Gizfield

      I’m not trying to be a witch, Nicole, but that made no sense to me at all.

    • Gizfield

      So, Chiffchaff, did you get out of visting the creepy, affair boosting friends? Your inlaws sound like mine, lol.

      • chiffchaff

        Nope! we stayed two nights but with the set of friends who weren’t so supportive of my H leaving me for his ‘perfect connection’. it was fine as this couple are extremely busy folk and were glad to just chill and relax.

    • Nicole

      I statec on another post that he is not like the same person. He takes complete responsibility for his actions.

      I still did not say you are responsible ni am super busy I drive 3,000-4,000 miles a month so yes often I text or email when I drive. I am not driving now but I am doing something else do excuse me if I miss somethn ni had done another response but it somehow got clised on my phone.

      I have another one on my iPad to finish. I have been trying to respond directly to the person who posted.

      Lets be clear influence does not mean fault.

      You keep insisting that I have said its my /your fault. So yes my husband has changed greatly and is an excellent husband. I help that to by communicating my needs,accepting help and meeting his needs.

      Can someone tell me where I have back peddled ?

      • livingonafence

        So what work has he done, other than foot rubs and buying gifts? They’re all different after being caught, but they do love that extra attention they got because they cheated.
        So, in 7 years or so, when you’re busy and he’s busy and life is just moving along, what work has he done to ensure that he won’t cheat again? Don’t answer in terms of what you’re doing. What work has he done to look inside himself to see what turned him from an honest man to a sneaky sleazy cheater? That’s what they are when cheating – sleazy, sneaky and selfish. So, what work has he done?

    • EyesOpened

      Thanks Giz and LOAF – it means a lot to me.

      Have just realised I forgot my faults –

      Spending money we didn’t have
      Obsessive over my kids
      Allowing the bad behaviour
      Not standing up for myself
      Developing low self esteem
      Pretending everything was ok
      Tiptoeing around him because I feared the consequences ( I should have been stronger – I am now )
      Always striving to be liked/perfect
      Choosing the ‘easy’ option instead of being brave enough to face the music – not confronting the issues
      Choosing to try and solve my problems outside of my relationship
      Choosing to have an affair

      NOW
      I am not that person anymore
      I’m strong, independent and have power
      I am learning why I behaved like I did
      I stand up for myself and am in control
      Sometimes I’m not ‘nice’
      He is learning about why he’s like he is
      He is trying to change bad behaviours
      He is willing to listen and debate (not sulk) if we disagree

      This is all very self indulgent but I just suddenly realised I hadn’t flagged up my failures – and it was important to me.
      Thanks for listening if you still are.

    • Nicole

      Living on a fence we have been to marriage counseling, he does individual counseling he has been introspective about where he was why he did it( I personally did treat my husband bad) I was angry about so things, some were my assumptions some were true. He has learned not to let me walk all over him and come back like a beat puppy. We had financial issues ( I mostly supported us because of his ex) he resolved this and does above his part. He had another issue I will not disclose he handled that over 2 years ago.

      We have a very unique situation ( this is our second marriage) I have 2 kids he has 2 kids and thanks to his ex we have not seen his in almost 5 years although he continues to pay child support. I had shared custody with my ex up until shit hit the fan with his ex and my ex fell apart , so my kids were with us full time. Why this matters is… Another thing he changed/worked through was guilt in spending time with me and my kids. He will now participate in family things go out of town ,take my son to do things. That type of thing.

      Our marriage has been through the wringer in so many ways. I know personally beyond a shadow of a doubt my husband always loved me because of my anger and all that was going on. I shut down and never felt I could count on him. Once again some true some my imagination.

      I really know getting to the affair was a cumulative of both of our behavior. I don t take responsibility for the affair. I take responsibility for not knowing how to handle any of my own emotions. I know in my case that if I had handled myself better this would not have happened.

      So maybe others of you were not as angry and hateful as I was that is why I m glad the ow was kind. Yep she was wrong as hell and yes she tried on purpose to break up our marriage. I don’t like her or condone that. I will say that in many situations when men have an affair what do you hear them say they liked? They like how she made him feel right. He enjoyed her compliments ( I know she is an ass kiss its funny really if you think I mean she had his attention for however long but she couldn’t close the deal ). He also likes the escape /distraction.

      I am not kissing my husbands ass I am accepting his efforts vs rejecting them. I am not rearranging the dishwasher or refolding the laundry( I did not do this but some do) I allow him to be an adult and in accepting his efforts I show him he can make me happy intern then knowing he can win here in this marriage. More than anything a husband wants to make you happy and if he feels he is failing this is such a blow to him. So sometimes we don’t even notice the ways we reject,disrespect or belittle but he does.

      Sorry did not know this would be so long.

    • Paula

      Another example of how although we have similarities, we also have a lot of difference, and Nicole, reading through today’s post by you, I can totally see how and why you wrote the rose coloured glasses post in the first place. You own your behaviour that you believe helped to contribute to your husbands dissatisfaction – hey no one makes anyone cheat, as we’ve all stated a million times – but I know what you mean here. For those of us who were “nice, good, loving, patient, giving, good mothers, worked hard,” basically were pretty darn great partners, affairs seem to hit so much harder. Because we had the rose coloured glasses off already, we were real – sexy, adoring, honest, hard working, we were supportive, and they did it anyway. Yes, I wasn’t perfect, but I was pretty damn good, I tried hard, I loved hard, and I believed every word and action I was told and shown – even when I questioned him. Having the OW in our home, often, she even used to bring her little boy to our holiday home while we were there (and apparently when I wasn’t occasionally!) and her being “my friend” – yeah, right – does tend to give you a little bit of anger. So, I was doing mostly the “right” things, and yes, HE got lost, and didn’t communicate that to me – HE thought she was kind and nice, but quickly realised she was just impressing him, and her true colours revealed slowly the longer they were fucking. Yeah, I am glad he had someone to stop him from topping himself when the self doubt and sadness got too much for him – BUT I was here all along, and I am kind, and loving, and I would have listened and helped, I have put everyone else first in this family for twenty-five years (I now take some things and time for me – eg, my university studies now.) He did not give me that opportunity. And watch the busy Nicole – that is how we got tot he place we did – FRANTICALLY busy, a large business, me working outside of that business 60-70 hour weeks, three busy teens and all their activities – that was when we imploded. And I still pulled over to text, etc! Before I knew about any affair, we sat down and looked at our ridiculous life and I decided – with his extremely relieved backing – to quit my job and resume working in our joint business. We were SUPER GREAT, he tells me his relief he didn’t get caught, and “normal-but-even-better-if-possible, transmission resumed” – and around two months later, she dropped the bomb on me – via text. We had chosen quality over quantity, and it was too late. He had already screwed it all up, and couldn’t undo any of it – and we both tried our guts out to work around that fact.

    • Nicole

      Paula that is really bad stuff. I will have to say my husbsnds affair was also very minor. It was primarily texting p,talking on the phone and then there was the one day she decided to mske her move after we had a huge fight. He confided in her which before that only said we had been through a lot but that day she went for it but got left alone and things incomplete. He immediately told it was wrong and a mistake. I can not say I would forgive some of the things some other husbsnds did becsuse they really are that bad. Inexcusable really. My original post has a broad demographic really but no matter what you can only be who you are where you are with the history you have and as long as each person feels they are progressing towards peace then that’s I’d say that’s a good thing.

      I believe that all people have more or less a character we play in our life that is influenced by our family and social circle ( even someone talked about in laws) and unless we take the time to question almost everything we think, know and believe we stay stuck in that role which affects the way we interact with the world and our marriages.

    • Tryinghard

      Hey just to go on the record here I got foot rubs before and during the affair!!! So the eff what? Foot rubs that’s what we think makes a difference? Please.
      Lets not even go to who had the biggest bad ass affair. It all sucks. Next subject PLEASE!

    • Tryinghard

      EO
      WOW. Glad to see you are starting to trust us. I’ve really noticed the difference in your posting. I still think you’re great. Shit if my H had to have an affair why couldn’t it have been with someone like you. We could be BFFs!

      ULK bad day today. Major triggeres. Got to say I’m sick of hearing about the world according to Nicole. She wants a challenge I should sign up for her “coaching” My story could send her running for cover!

    • Strengthrequired

      Loads of cyber hugs TH, sounds like you need them.
      Unfortunately we didn’t end up with ow in our lives that regretted their behaviour, we ended up with the opposite.

      EO, I’m glad your trusting us too. I’ve told you before I see a change in you too..

      • Tryinghard

        Strength
        Thanks for the hugs. Yes I do need them. You are te sweetest kindest person

    • Strengthrequired

      Thank you TH, you are too. None of us deserve to be here. I will send you as much strength you need to get through today’s emotional roller coaster ride.

    • BeckyB

      The woman who has judged abused spouses(yes adultery is abuse as in sexual , physical , emotional , verbal, financial) as having victim mentality has chosen to play her own role as for most of us we are not capable of victimizing ourselves our spouses are the perpetrators of criminal actions against each one of us. When my husband chose to use a prostitute who would accept pot to suck his penis (excuse me while I puke as I was on strict bed rest at 23 weeks pregnant dialated 3 cms. That means I GOT NO SEX OF ANY KIND) since I didn’t even get a choice I AM NOT A VICTIM . I AM A SURVIVOR . If your post is truly your way of judging others how do you ever expect to help anyone change how they react to any thing? As an earlier poster said you seem to do a hit and run on every help yourself book ever written and your mish mash of different ones is apparent by your own personal twist to not encourage others but to harm their recovery with your own inability to truly feel their pain not just push it at them to just get over it. Hmmm you make my warning bells go off just reading your responses. Your inability to maintain impersonality is a dead give away that perhaps you should learn more and teach less for now until you can keep your personal opinions out of teaching.Just saying what I think no intent to disrespect you at all . We all know every other person here knows exactly what got us here our spouses selfishness and immaturity as they chose to act childishly instead of being grown up.

      • livingonafence

        YAY BeckyB!!! Well said!

    • EyesOpened

      TH! You are AWESOME! I am trying to get my head around having an affair with your h then being your BFF ! Ha ! I am SO glad it wasn’t you I did this to. And you are definitely a bcf (best cyber friend). I DO wish I lived nearby so we could have coffee though – what an odd thought! Hugs to you and all 🙂

      • tryinghard

        LOL EO–please forgive me my crassness. I like to lighten things up and NOT take life quite so seriously sometimes. You wouldn’t have had an affair with my H because you would have chosen to be good friends with me instead. I think between me and my H, I am a much better friend!!! You would have been smart enough to see that 🙂 I agree if we were close enough we could solve the worlds problems over coffee right??? Cyber BFF’s will have to do 🙂

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