Transformation from Trauma to Bitterness After an Affair

after an affair - trauma to bitternessFrom my personal experience and observations I’ve noticed that there is an interesting transformation that can occur in most victims of infidelity.  It’s the transformation from being traumatized to being bitter.

The victim of an affair has indeed suffered a life altering trauma.  We are filled with pain from the betrayal and struggle daily with the myriad of emotions, thoughts, images and triggers.  Eventually, these fade (or at least their effects do) and often tend to transform into rage, disgust and bitterness.

The victim may begin to lash out more and have a sense of feeling out-of-control at times.  You more than likely love your spouse and you want to stay married but you’re just so damn mad at his/her stupidity, selfishness, insensitivity, etc., etc., etc.

This is all very normal but what I’ve witnessed is that during this transformation the victim tends to think that he/she is stuck or even falling backwards in their affair recovery and healing process.  There may even be a sense that they are sabotaging the relationship as well as their desire to recover and heal.

Sometimes they can’t really put a finger on what’s going on but all they know is that they feel worse than they did before.

Not good!

A recent email we received set the wheels in motion for me to try and offer some sort of help/advice for those of you that may be experiencing this same type of situation. 

Controlling the strong emotions after an affair

I think that it all boils down to how we handle these strong emotions that try to overtake us.  Know that we can’t necessarily prevent or avoid having these strong emotions in the first place, but we can learn to deal with them more effectively.

When faced with such strong emotions, if we dwell on them and go over and over the thoughts that trigger these emotions, it only serves to reinforce their strength and power. But if we can somehow consciously and deliberately try to engage our brains in more rational thinking, we can gradually offset the power of these emotions.

The result is that little by little, we can be able to control our emotions instead of having them control us.

Let me tell you that this is not easy and it does take a lot of time and effort, but it can work – and it has for many who have traveled this same road.

One of the authors who I admire and respect is the late Peggy Vaughan.   She is the author of The Monogamy Myth and was a survivor of her husband’s many affairs.

Here is an excerpt from her book about her own effort to overcome her strong emotional reactions with more rational understandings.

“I know from my own experience that it is possible to recover from a mate’s affair. I understand how it feels in the beginning when you’re overwhelmed with fear and pain. When I first became suspicious that James was having affairs, I didn’t think I’d be able to survive if it were true. My emotions were very much in control with almost no perspective to offset them. I honestly felt at that time that my life was ruined.

I gradually came to realize that I wasn’t alone, either in my experience or in my personal interpretation of it. As my understanding of affairs grew stronger, my self-esteem grew stronger as well. It felt a little like a see-saw, as I gradually shifted from being controlled by my emotions to being able to rationally understand what had happened.

This process involved years of talking about my experience with a great many people and reading everything I could find about the subject of affairs. Gradually, its grip on me loosened and then slipped away one day when I didn’t even notice. There was no great moment of truth when I knew I was over the hump. It was a very slow process of turning it inside out and upside down until I had control of it instead of it having control over me.

This is a common dilemma for many people—getting enough understanding to overpower their emotions. Often they are able to accept and understand what has happened intellectually long before they recover emotionally. One person talked about sounding very reasonable and rational on the outside while dying inside from feelings of hurt and anger.

I can honestly say that I never get emotionally stirred up and upset anymore about my husband’s affairs, and I don’t think I could have reached this point without deliberately talking about and dealing with the issue. I don’t think I’m unique. I’m no more forgiving or understanding or strong or unemotional than anyone else. But I licked these emotions, and I believe anyone can. In fact, not only is it possible for a person to recover from this experience, but it’s also possible for them to come out of it with a greater sense of self-worth than before it happened.”

 

My experience was very similar to Peggy’s – though I still get “stirred up” at times when thinking or talking about Doug’s affair.  However, those emotions and upset feelings quickly go away.

I found it interesting that Ms Vaughan stated that her self-esteem improved as her knowledge and understanding of affair dynamics increased.  I’ve found that since I have become knowledgeable about this stuff I have a much greater understanding of why things happened and why things were said, etc., and it has allowed me to view things in a much more rational manner.  The emotions are removed from the thoughts more often than not.

Going back to the shift from trauma to bitterness…Could this not possibly signify a shift from feeling weak and like a dependent doormat to feeling more capable and independent?  Therefore, doesn’t that also signify an improvement in the victim’s self-esteem?

If so, perhaps this newly found strength can be used to do the kind of tough work towards effectively dealing with this issue—not just trying to set it aside and go on.

Giving in to the cold, angry and bitter feelings and letting them grow and fester will only hurt in the long run. But the energy from the strength that may underlie those feelings can be a good resource for addressing the whole situation in a more productive way.

 

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60 Responses to Transformation from Trauma to Bitterness After an Affair

  1. Strengthrequired March 25, 2013 at 7:01 am #

    This is interesting.
    I know I have been through,
    The trauma from the hurt, betrayal and all the lies, and themlow self esteem along with the feeling of humiliation. The feeling of thinking my whole marriage was a lie, as well as knowing that my h would never intentionally do this to me, as I know the man he really is.
    Yet the emotional roller coaster is a ride a muc prefer not to have been on. Having said that, when some of the lies came out, and theremwere several times, the anger did over shadow at times the want to keep believing that this was not my h.
    I will admit it was so much easier to blame the ow, and yes I still do, o ly because if I decided to blame my h for the ea, I think I would have left.
    So yes at times the bitterness comes out, yet I think I have cries that much, I have grown stronger froth this ea, I can see that my h and the ow, had no chance of ever being happy together. Seeing that one I am at a stage that I believe I feel strong enough to look out for myself, protect myself incase I do find out my h is still in contact with the ow. I can walk away knowing that I deserve better, that I tried to save my marriage, my children from any more hurt, yet I couldn’t do it alone.
    So what I have noticed with myself now, is I actually find it now tha I can laugh at the thought that if my h ended up with the ow, that I know it wouldn’t last, and I know she would be the one that finally suffers but ten fold to what she caused me. Somi actually feel that peace is starting to hit, because I know karma will end Jo striking the ow, and it will be well deserved.
    Is it ok t think that, I’m just over all the stress and all the thoughts, that I can finally laugh at how the ow actualy thought that she could be happy after what she did.
    I spoke to my h today, about how I feel and laughed, I don’t know whether he thought he should laugh with me, or whether to be shocked that I’m laughing at his stupidity.

  2. tryinghard March 25, 2013 at 10:55 am #

    Linda
    This is one of my biggest fears about myself. The first year of DDay I spent in fear and survival mode. Therapy, talks, fights, crazy roller coaster days. I would read but nothing would stick. EVERYTHING about my life was different. Everyone in my life was different. I was fighting to survive the best way I knew how. I measure my personal growth by Maslowes Hierarchy of Needs Pyramid. I was definitely at the base level. “How the F was I going to survive”! I just wanted my life back and I was going to do anything and everything to get it back. I know I had a little nervous breakdown two days after he left and I lost 60 lbs in 4 months. I needed to re learn how to eat for crying out loud and I was pretty good at it before obviously! So not only emotionally was I stressed physically I was too. Anxiety was rampant. I lost handfuls of hair. I was in shock for the first 6 months. Trauma is putting it mildly. I was a mess.

    During this second year I have spent my time reading and learning and coming to accept that this has happened. Gaining a lot of strength thru my spirituality as well. The ” I hate you serpent” is being replaced by the “you are pathetic serpent”. Is that bitterness? Probably. And I don’t want to be bitter because that will just make me an asshole too. Bitter people take their bitterness out on everybody and I can see that I am doing that. “Oh no not me! No One’s ever going to shit on me again so look out!” I do not want to go there. The funny thing is when I read and learn about affairs I feel everything you quoted and said, I feel empowered. BUT it makes my H very nervous when I do read. He thinks reading gives me triggers which in turn means questions for him which he avoids at all cost because by now I SHOULD BE OVER IT. I see that I need to keep reading and learning so that I am in control of my emotions not the other way around.

    So my personal dilemma is dealing with the fallout and how it has affected me and my relationships with not only my husband but the rest of the world because it most definitely has. I want to get off that bottom level of the Hierarchy of Needs and move to the top level of Self Actualization. I’m too old to be at the bottom level. I have accomplished a lot in life and moving backwards is unacceptable to me. What he chooses to do and the choices he makes I have no control over. He can either mature and grow or not. My fear is that in year 3 or 4 I will look at him and my marriage and decide I don’t want either anymore. I will have learned too much. So the question is do I grow personally and reach that top level or do I remain focused on how I can best fire bomb the bitch’s house (KIDDING) but you know what I mean.

    I’m actually thinking about going back into therapy with a different therapist. I need fresh eyes to help me. I can’t keep letting my own brain fix me. Great article as usual. I thank God everyday for people like you.

    • Linda March 25, 2013 at 1:56 pm #

      Tryinghard, My advice is to keep going and be the best person you can be. If he wants to stay at the same place and not grow as a person then it is his loss. I know it is difficult to do this because fear always takes over. We tend to stay in a place that is comfortable for fear of change. However you have realized that you are not happy in this place and you need to move forward. Hopefully as many of us have found out, once you move in the right direction our spouses also begin to move. They realize that they do not want to be left behind. I encourage you to keep growing and finding a new therapist will give you more insight and help you move forward.

      • tryinghard March 25, 2013 at 6:38 pm #

        Linda
        Absolutely. I have been dealing with this for two years. The affair and all it entails is very deep. I know he thinks all he has to do is admit and we move on. He’s known about this affair for 6 years. I’ve only known about it for two so I have a lot of catching up to do. This is not a race the fastest to the finish. It’s a marathon of endurance and trials. I agree with everything you said about taking care of myself and maybe he will follow and grow and maybe not. If I decide to leave this marriage there will be NO looking back. I will not feel guilty about anything and I will get everything I need financially. It will not be one of those, “I just want out” divorces. He has made so many good things during this reconciliation but as I have said before it may be too little or too much but too late. If I leave, I will really leave. I mean the whole area and relocate in a different part of the country. That is a big decision for me.

  3. chiffchaff March 25, 2013 at 11:51 am #

    The development into bitterness and anger in place of survival and fear is a positive step so long as it doesn’t overwhelm and become who you are permanently.
    One thing I get annoyed about is how tiring it all is, all this ‘doing the right thing’. Like last week when I got very stressed by the thing I should do but didn’t have any energy for my sensible coping mechanism. So I gave in to reminding myself that the OW is basically very attractive and slim by looking at her posts. I even looked at images of another woman my H had had a fling with – she’s also very pretty and slim. I realised, eventually, that this self-punishing behaviour had taken the place of food as a way of coping with stress. I used to turn to cakes when I was stressed, even though I knew it would make me feel worse. This was exactly the same way of dealing with stress that I knew would make me feel worse. I knew I didn’t want to waste 18 months of effort on becoming fitter and slimmer by reverting to cakes…
    However, once I’d calmed down I realised that I should just do the thing I was avoiding as it was the ONLY thing that stood a chance of making me feel better about myself. So I did, and I felt better – eventually.
    But it was so tiring and difficult to go through this process of self-analysis. Yes, it’s good for me, I know but it made me realise something else – which was that my H had gone through the same problems when he chose to have a PA. But he had chosen the easy option, which was avoiding the more difficult route of facing up to his job having gone down the toilet along with his esteem. It was easier to have an affair and to get temporary relief from feeling crap, even though he KNEW it would make everything far worse in the long run.
    Not caring a fig about what the OW is up to is something I realise will just take a long time and take more events like these of facing up to why I look at her, which is my own lack of self-worth from 40 years of being told that I am ugly and that being bright doesn’t quite make up for that. But saying all that, I have come to an acceptance that my H’s affair was all of his own and not caused by me or anything I did. My H has changed considerably over the last 6 months even and I can see that he has had to take a long hard look at himself and had to confront whether or not he’s happy to be the sort of man who people would call a philanderer or not. Does he want to be the sort of man who looks like he’d hit on any woman he met. He seems to have chosen not to be that type of man anymore.

  4. Strengthrequired March 25, 2013 at 5:20 pm #

    Ladies, you know I had actually thought at inepoint there was something wrong with me, when the stress and depression hit that instead of grabbing for the sweets etc to make me feel better, which I normally would have, I turned completely off food too. I endedmup losing 22kgs in 5mths, unfortunately half of that has started to creep on again a year later.
    I keep trying to keep her in my mind to keep me focused and probably even angry, yet you know something itmjust isn’t working, I actually think I am past angry, more disappointed that the ea ever happened, yet also have moved to she is a pathetic person that tried to steel my family as she couldn’t hold onto her own.
    I also have moved to a place where, I’m so tired of all the crying, after crying everyday for over a year who wouldnt be. It is so drainiing. Im sure I’m stringer because it’s now like what ever happened happens, of course I care, but I’m over it.
    I deserve to be happy, I refuse to be put down again.

    Linda, I look forward to seeing if your right about the spouses not wanting to be left behind while we move forward.

    Can I ask you ladies, did your h ever call you and several times a day and for hours at a time on top of text msgs like he did with the ow?

    My h never did that to me. I feel like I missed out on something. He never really was someone that would open up and talk, so I guess I still struggle with wondering how he could with the ow, when he never was that person to begin with? I wonder what is wrong with me, if she could get that part of him.
    It really does make you think.

    Trying hard, I too worry that in so many years down the track I will just look back on all this and think, I don’t want this, it was all just to hard. It should never have been this hard to prove to someone tha you have spent a lifetime with, have children with just how much you love them.
    Of course it’s ok for them, when we spent all this time proving to them, yet they helped break us, they chose to cheat, so they should be showing us on how much we are loved.
    Yes they may not want to talk about the ea because it is too painful for them, I’m sure if it was on the other foot, they woud have walked away or would have wanted to know themselves what went on. They weren’t hurt the way we were, so it is unrealistic for them to think it is easy to just pick up the pieces and move on. Easier said than done.

    • tryinghard March 25, 2013 at 6:30 pm #

      Strength Required
      Are you kidding me? Not only would he have not stayed had I done what he did, he probably would have killed me. Yes there are hours of phone calls. I actually downloaded all the calls and put them on a spreadsheet and analyzed them. He would call me before going to her house and on his way home. He would call me then call her. I learned a lot about the relationship doing this. No he’s NEVER talked to me that much either in person or on the phone. We talk a lot now.

      • Strengthrequired March 25, 2013 at 6:51 pm #

        I analyzed his bill too, and he would talk to me for a couple of minutes then call her straight after me and talk for ages, as well. He would leave home after being intimate with me only to call her for an hour.
        It’s actually pretty degrading I think. I even looked at the amount of times he would call or txt her compared to me, and she blew me out of the water with that. He never in his life did that for me. Still not even now, ohh he said he is going to try to be more open with me. Wtf, I think I deserve that more than anyone.

        • battleborn March 26, 2013 at 7:14 am #

          Wow SR, when I read this I thought you were looking into my life. I found also that he was either calling her first thing in the morning then me or vice versa. Of course they spoke for an hour or so and just minutes to me AND his little girl. What bothers me the most however is that they worked in the same buidling and still couldn’t get off the damn phone. Idiots didn’t realize I would be looking for clues.

          • Strengthrequired March 29, 2013 at 3:09 pm #

            Battle born, The clues, every time I would find evidence my h would get upset, every time though would stop me from leaving.
            It’s a shit feeling, thinking we get a couple of minutes of their time, yet the ow got so much more. It’s like they are tryin to cram in a lifetime of conversations and getting to know a person in a short time frame. Maybe thatis what they were trying to do, to even come close to the time they have spent with us. Still hurtful either way.

    • WA_Betrayed March 25, 2013 at 7:44 pm #

      This is the leftover issue that really ticks me off. I find it incredibly annoying that H texted, visited, and talked like mad to HER for the duration of the EA fling, yet after all of the drama is over (almost 5 years later) my phone is silent all day, not a peep unless is has to do with chores or reminders. He is sorry, he is proving himself, but this really irritates me! He found find all the time in the world to communicate with her, would drop whatever he was doing if he received a text, etc…but not a single moment for me..? It shows where I rank on the priority list. He says that if he chats with me all day, there won’t be anything to talk about when we get home. Bleh.

      • Rachel March 25, 2013 at 11:33 pm #

        WA betrayed, I said this same thing to my H . He never ever texted me during the day or ever for that matter. When I asked him how come you have never taken me to lunch? His response, you work.

        • Strengthrequired March 25, 2013 at 11:52 pm #

          Wa betrayed, it really makes you feel like your nit worthy if there time, to even talk to throughout the day.
          My h starteed to call, but forma couple of minutes at a time, yet for the life of me, why were her conversations so important that it warranted an hour or two at a time, not once but several times a day. I don’t get it. She must have be damn exciting.
          I asked my h today, well by txt msg anyway because I wanted it to come out right not sound bad. He called me and said, that it is history now, I shouldn’t worry, but he said she would repeat the same things over and over again eery time they spoke, he likened it with someone who has memory loss.
          My response was, ohhh so that made you want to call her again straight after you were cut off during an hour long conversation, that makes sense.
          To be honest, I’m not suremi believe his response.

      • Recovering March 26, 2013 at 10:32 am #

        Okay, this may not be the popular thing to say, but I am going to say it because I had this “lightbulb” 2 weeks ago… He can spend so much time on the phone or texting with the OW because IT IS NOT REAL! Because she does not KNOW him! He can tell her all of the dumb stories you have heard a million times, and he can listen to all of the stories he has never heard from her! I was driving home from work the other day, as was my husband, so he called to let me know he was on his way, and I figured we could have a good chat since we both had at least 45 minutes in our cars… well, he said, “well, I’m gonna let you go so I can listen to the radio and relax on the way home”. It hurt my feelings SOOOO bad!! So we got off the phone without me saying anything, and then for the next 5 minutes I went back and forth about whether or not I should be upset, and then if I should call him back because he keeps saying for me to not hold things in, so I did. I finally called him back. I blurted out, already in tears “WHY CAN YOU TALK TO THE WHORE FOR AN HOUR AND YOU CANT TALK TO ME FOR 10 MINUTES?!” The reality of it is is that I know him. There is really only the stuff he did at work to talk about, and sometimes that is not that interesting. I know all of his childhood stories and his funny jokes, and it isn’t as interesting to talk about what we are making for dinner (she LOVED to talk about that crap… so stupid). But the point is, he doesn’t NEED to talk to me about that kind of garbage and hang on the phone like we are in Jr. High. He hasn’t really ever been one to “sext” me either, which I was highly offended by at first because they “sexted” all of the time, but during one of my freak-out sessions, he told me that he never was really comfortable with the sexting, that she started it, and that it never “felt real”… like the whole affair… never “felt real”. For some odd reason I totally believed him. My husband isn’t one to talk dirty or look at naked mags… Idunno. Maybe it was the circumstance under which I got my answer, but I totally believed him. Maybe it’s because he never did it even when we were in the bliss of our relationship, and Lord knows the OW wasn’t special or anything… He just is comfortable with me. And not in a bad way, so he didn’t and doesn’t have to be fake with me. That phone stuff is all part of the fantasy. They don’t talk about real things in a deep meaningful way… and they certainly don’t talk about how they each are lying cheating sluts because they would have to look at themselves then and couldnt live in that fantasy bubble and blame us for everything… Until that fight with my husband I OBSESSED about the OW calling him EVERY MORNING and EVERY EVENING on his way to and from work and him not talking to me instead… I guess I just “got it” then. Wish the rest of dealing with this mess was that easy for me….

        • chiffchaff March 26, 2013 at 1:05 pm #

          I think that’s correct too. the CS has to do all that texting and contact in order to keep the thing going. If you, as the OM/OW – already getting crumbs off the table in reality, didn’t hear from them for hours at a time then you’d really have virtually nothing. It’s part of the whole affair behaviour and the addiction to getting minute momentary highs from sending/receiving an illicit text etc. there’s nothing illicit or exciting about texting your BS by comparison.
          My H and I texted frequently during the early months after DDay and now it’s settled down to something much more sensible. we both have jobs to do and chores and driving and stuff that makes it impossible. Maybe you can even see that as evidence of security – you just don’t NEED to have that level of contact to maintain the relationship whereas an affair need all that oxygen in order to even exist.

        • Strengthrequired March 26, 2013 at 4:42 pm #

          Th, I let my h be himself, he as never had to be impressive, just himself, I took his good and bad, e was the package I accepted. He could burp, fart, whatever.
          So having said that, I asked him the other day, so baby did you ever fart in from of her? He said well you know me I hold it in and wait until either in th toilet of outside on my own before I let it rip, so no.
          I said see baby, you can do this in front of me because you are comfortable. He said of course I am.
          Seems trivial, and you know it’s a fart for crying out loud, but I know he is comfortable with me and could not have don that in front of her.
          I laughed at him an said she might have been disgusted with you if you did.
          I think it is only natural for us to feel a bit hurt when our conversations can be luck to last 5 min, sometimes ours only last 30seconds.
          Yet I don’t like to take m h away from his work, it’s what is helping us live, sh on the other hand didn’t care.
          On thing I hated with this ow, she would offer him advice on our business she knew nothing about, only because she thought one day it would be theirs.
          I liked to tell him, does she know how to type letters, do the book work etc. If she does let her take over and let her work for the money you give her. Of course sh doesn’t know any of that. Lol

        • Deb February 17, 2017 at 1:53 pm #

          Your comment was really eye opening. I too printed off our cell phone bill, broke it down by days of the week, times of day and number of texts. They didn’t talk much but he would meet up with her once he found out I was at church or at another appointment. I got 4 texts a week she got 100. I’m working on figuring this all out but one thing I can say is I’m getting smarter and stronger every day. If he thinks I’ve forgotten and everything is fine tells me he’s not trying. In the end I’ll know what and who I want in my life!

  5. rachel March 25, 2013 at 5:46 pm #

    Linda, great advise. I didn’t like the place that I was at. I didn’t want this divorce, didn’t want to break up the family and I wanted to make my marrieage work, but my husband didn’t.
    I finally accepted the soon finality of the marriage. Why hold on to something that wasn’t going to change. A month ago my H texted me that he missed me and it wasn’t too late. Two weeks ago he texted me and said that this is all entirely my fault?? He denied saying that he didn’t want me or our marriage. He forgets that our children were right in the room. I told him to stop the ridiculous texting and just move on. He’s now dating his sisters friend. Yes, this is number 3. I’m not sure what he’s looking for but I’ll tell you I am not in the least interested in seeing anyone right now. My main goal is working on me. I have amazed myself how I can laugh now at the text messages that he has sent me. Told me that he has filled everybody in on all of our details of our marriage. I said I’m sure they are all getting a good laugh knowing that you are the cheater.
    He said that I’m unfair because all of my friends know only my side of the story and they probably despise him.
    I can’t believe how really stupid that he’s become. It’s almost like that affair took away some of his brain cells. But some how I got smarter. : )

    • tryinghard March 25, 2013 at 6:32 pm #

      Rachel
      You are smarter than him by getting away from him. No one wants to divorce and break up their family but sometimes we have no choice right? You are going to be great without him.

  6. Strengthrequired March 25, 2013 at 6:56 pm #

    Rachel, we do grow from this, we do become more wiser. We also learn not to trust so easily.
    I too find that I laugh now at the thought if what my h life would have been like if he chose the ow. Misery plus.
    It took a while to actually get t that point.

    • Recovering March 26, 2013 at 10:50 am #

      Strengthrequired:

      It actually really HELPS me to think about what it would be like for my husband and the OW if they had “ended up” together, which he never wanted anyways, but still… Like we have a really cute and funny story about how we met and how we got together. What would the story be about them? Well, if it was told honestly, it would be: Well, we were both at points in our marriage where we were cowards, and she hit on me in a bar, and we screwed for 2 years, and my wonderful wife left me because I was a dumbass and took the kids and half my money and now I have no life and I can’t bare to be alone even though I am with someone who is obviously a slut. And the idea of him introducing someone like that to his parents… OMG!! THAT is the thing I cling to when I am feeling crappy and having a bad self-esteem day! Because NO MATTER WHAT, I will ALWAYS be better than her… a better mother because I didn’t care only about myself and go and cheat and lie, a better wife because I took care of my husband even though he had his head up his butt, and a better person because I could NEVER cheat, and a better friend because I actually told my husband that if he loved her that he should be with her instead of me. That his happiness is really what I wanted for him, because friends care about them and not just themselves – where she called him an A-hole when he told her it was over because he loved HIS WIFE (even though she still had a husband at home!)! And then I think about the kids, and that just makes me soooooo sad, but it rubs the dirt in his wound because their hate for him if he cheated would be all his own fault. My children area old enough to know what cheating is, and they are old enough to know it is wrong and have bad feelings about it. And they are also old enough to be able to tell the OW to take a walk!! My children and I are fiercely close, and though I hope they never find out about this “selfishness” of their father, it would absolutely destroy their relationship with him if they did. Not only because of WHAT he did, but because I would move across the country with them (he is the only reason I am living where I live – I have NO family even remotely close, so would have to move for a support system). THAT makes me sad, but the rest… a REALLY good HOOT!!! And the workplace! Ha!! He found out AFTER she had originally left the company how people REALLY felt about her… which was NOT good… how stupid he felt then!! Where were these big mouthed people when the slut worked there? Well, they have all pretty much left since she returned… my husband included!!

      • Strengthrequired March 26, 2013 at 3:26 pm #

        Recovering, you said it word for word for me, I am the better person, the better wife, better mother, and the better friend. For exactly the same reasons you stated. The ow actually told my h if e had cheated on her, like what they were doing to me she would have left him. She said that she didn’t understand why I didn’t. That was at the beginning of the ea.
        Even though she mentioned that to him, it still continued.
        My h had actually told my two oldest boys while at her place, that he didn’t want to be with me anymore he had found a new love and she was what she wanted. Told them all this shit about why I wasn’t good enough for him anymore.
        That was at the start of the ea.
        I had even told my h at the beginning I didn’t want nothing from him, I will look after my kids, he will have enough money to fork out for his new family. Do you know my oldest who was 20 at the time,sent a txt msg to his dad and asked if he could move in with him and her when they get a place, because h was worried that he would end up suffering along with his brothers and sisters because I didn’t want his dads help. I can’t get that out of my head. My oldest would even tell me how it was my fault that their dad had an affair and left.
        My second oldest has literally been the tower of strength for me.
        Yet who was the one trying to keep their family together, me. Who was trying to destroy us, her.
        I too told my h if she made him happy (after is affair continued) that he should go be with her, I wanted him happy too. When he told her that he was moving back home, she got angry with him, as she thought he was moving in with her.
        She even told him that he should not touch me.
        I laugh now at what his life would have been like, maybe e would have given up on her sooner if he had of moved in with her, but I don’t think I would have taken him back if he had.
        He would of had to have been sterallised, disinfected and vaccinated, from what ever trace of her was left on him, for me to have even considered it.
        I also not think we would have been as close as what we are now if he did choose the ow and lived with her.

  7. Recovering March 26, 2013 at 11:04 am #

    Bitterness… I fight this regularly. I used to believe my husband and I were “meant to be” like some stupid little fairytale!! Things just aligned for us so easily in the beginning, and when we first got together neither of us wanted a relationship, but when we got together it was just a given that we were together. There wasn’t any doubts or questions. We just were so easy and fluid and it all just fit. I used to believe we were some romantic movie! That our love would protect us… And I guess in a way I still believe in MY love, but I don’t believe so much in his. He says he loves me now, but he said it before and here I sit typing on a cheating website… I am trying so hard not to be bitter. I was a bit of a manhater before this, just because during my dating years it seemed like the guys only wanted to get into my pants, and that so offended me, but now… he cheated, and she was NOT a quality person… had she have been, the cheating never could’ve taken place, which is reality, but it still insults me that he could think he had feelings for and risk MY life and OUR life with some piece of trash. I think that is what I am most bitter about. I know that her being what she was allowed my husband to not look at what he was doing as wrong because if he judged her he’d have to judge himself, but REALLY?! She was married, had kids, knew he was married, and he got off on her hitting on a married man!!! Clearly his head was in his pants… and that takes me back to the repulsion of men that I dated years ago… Idunno… I just thought my husband was different. Is why I fell in love with him to begin with… and now… Idunno… am trying to believe that that ISNT him, that it was just his coping mechanism at the time… but I can’t afford to be with someone with that type of coping mechanism… I WONT! So if these changes I see, which are many and wonderful, don’t stick…. the bitterness will suck me up and I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. Which I think is better than dealing with more of this garbage any day! I like hanging out with myself!! I like the movies I pick and the food I pick and the places I chose to go!! LOL!!

  8. gizfield March 26, 2013 at 11:22 am #

    Recovering, I had an almost identical “ephiany” myself. Last July 4, it rained so we went to eat, then were watching a Twilight Zone marathon on tv. For some reason I was chattier than usual. He made some comment about he couldn’t hear the show for my “babbling”. I felt like I’d been slapped in the face. His crappy little emails to his slut came flooding into my mind. “I could talk to you for days, til the phones go dead,”etc. Then my brain stepped in, and said “what the hell, if he had dated this bitch for 3 years and lived with her for nine years, and she was sitting in this exact spot right now, would he be so damn fascinated by every word that flies out of of her mouth?” No, it would be exactly like it was with me. The guy had already been with me ALL DAY. Plus the night before. Nobody, even the Dos Equi guy is not that interesting. These witches have convinced our spouses that their time is “valuable” so they get some kind of gigantic ego boost when they consent to hours of mutual “babbling,”.

  9. gizfield March 26, 2013 at 11:37 am #

    one more thought, I think they talk a lot because to their co cheater because they know they don’t have any real obligation to them. Kind of like when you spill your guts to somebody you meet on a plane, or at the DMV or something. Just a general purging. An unpaid shrink… Whatever my husband tells me, he knows he is seeing me every day for a long time. Plus I have a pretty good idea what is complete bullshit. Their emails were so cheesy and fakey, ugh. She actually sent one that said “Sushi. Love it.” And he responded “yum.” I can’t even write that without cracking myself up. This was between two people in their FORTIES, lol. I also tried a couple of “sext” messages and it just felt so stupid….

    • tryinghard March 26, 2013 at 12:15 pm #

      Gizfield
      You hit the nail on the head. Yes it is just like talking to a stranger on the plane and he knows she will never tell him he’s full of shit!!!! LOL I tried the sexting thing too and felt like an idiot.

      You did the right thing by your response to his essentially, “shut up” comment. Yes they did make a lot of time for conversation with them and I think it is better to call them on it than sit and stew or worse yet martyr yourself! I’ve done the same thing when my H shut me down. NEW RULES: Make as much time for me as you did for her.

      • chiffchaff March 26, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

        we also tried the sexting thing for a while. eventually my H said he didn’t really like it and had also tried to get the OW to stop that type of thing but she didn’t want to. much like he said he’d asked her to send normal photos of herself not ones where she had photoshopped them in some way that was really obvious (I saw some of these and she appeared in various blue tones or had radically changed the contrast to make it look slutty).
        also, the difference for us was that when he sexted the OW she was safely thousands of miles away and he didn’t have to ‘perform’ later. with me, well, he knew I was going to be at home later which I think made it much less exciting and just far more stressful! ha. makes me laugh to think of that.

      • Strengthrequired March 26, 2013 at 4:02 pm #

        Trying hard, thats exactly right, that’s what made me ask you ladies about the “time” conversations, messaging, meeting,
        My h up until a month ago ” so. I have been told” would call her several times a day and for anywhere up to a couple of hours. It was ridiculous, no wonder our business was taking a battering. I was lucky even now to get a quick call.
        So when he gets upset that I call him, because he is busy, it comes racing back to me, wtf, she was good enough to interrupt you, with apparently the same conversation over andover again, not once a day but several times a day and for long times. I call and get, he is busy. So I don’t even call him anymore, yet he barely calls either. So I asked him what was wrong with me, that he couldn’t call, let me know how he is, and talk for as often as he. Did with her. I had to ask what was wrong with us, that he couldn’t do that.
        I guessmthat is why I am at the point I am at, if I find out he is still contacting her, then I leave. I even told him the other day, if he ended upmwith her now miserable he would be, that would have been the path he chose and he would have hadnto lie in the bed he made and suffer… I like lettingmhim know now, that I can see me being happy eventually if we separated because I see how miserable they would be, and my life would be getting better because the relationships I choose to enter into, won’t be at the expense of hurting others. As well, I don’t have her in my life causing me misery as nce I give up on you, she cant takemyou awa anymore because I ave you to her and let go, so mymlife can be free of this shit.
        He asks now why I keep mentioning about me being happy in another relationship, lol

  10. tryinghard March 26, 2013 at 11:56 am #

    As I said earlier I downloaded all the phone bills and put them into an Excel spreadsheet. By analyzing that data mathematically, yes I figured out percentages and made charts, I was able to come to a lot of conclusions about this relationship he had with her. Of course my H was incredulous that I had done this. He would have had no idea how to do this. He didn’t even know I could get this information from the phone bills. The bills show the tower pings so I even knew where he was when he was making these calls. When I questioned him about the length and number of calls one of his explanations was they would talk about work. This was totally plausible because she needed him to know how important her role at our company was. She was desperate to impress him with her business acumen because she had never had a job that paid her as well as this one did. He saw her then as a hard worker with the best interest of the company in her mind. Now he see that “her best interest” was not in the company but in her own agenda. But he bought her story at the time. He says they didn’t talk sex but I am sure they did . I do believe her main goal was to convince him how irreplaceable she was at work. Her skill background was delivering newspapers and a bar tender. She knew she was incapable of the job at hand so she had to talk and convince him she was. She and her family are BIG talkers. I mean they talk incessantly about nothing, well gossip. I’m sure there was also the “I love you smoopy, oh I love you too smoopy, I wish you could have stayed longer tonight smoopy, Oh I do too smoopy but you know I can’t.” ULK!!!! What I don’t get either is that my H as well is not a phone talker. But he did a lot of things that were out character for him during that time. IE the night he left he took her to a casino!!! He hates gambling and everything to do with it. Maybe he did it because it was so not a part of his life and he needed to do something so totally different so that he didn’t have to be reminded of me and what he had just done to us? I don’t know. Am I rationalizing? I think all this dissecting of the affair is our way of trying to come up with answers and figure out who the hell we are living with down to the most minute detail like phone calls and conversations.

    The one thing I will say that when my H and I retell our stories it brings back a lot of good memories. Some of which have been forgotten by either him or me. You may remember them, but maybe he doesn’t and they need to be retold because it is part of our history. My H told a joke he heard the other day to me and was laughing the whole time he told it to me. I laughed so hard because he is NOT a joke teller but he remembered it and was so tickled by it. I laughed because he was so tickled and I don’t see this side of him very often. Now here’s the kicker, the joke he told is a very old joke which was told a very long time ago and he didn’t remember it. Now since I have the memory of an elephant I knew at the very beginning of the joke what the punch line was. I never once interrupted during his telling of the joke and laughed at it. Genuinely laughed while he was telling it. The joke is still funny even though it was old but funnier to me was his way of telling it. Later at dinner that night he told me how good it made him feel to tell me that joke and that I listened and laughed at it. Crazy how small things like that can make a difference or make someone feel good and that is what this is about so find something or some story and make you spouse tell it. Even if you’ve heard it before let them tell it to you again. You know one of those “..do you remember when..” stories. Make him tell his version even if it wasn’t that funny back then. Make it funny today! I try to look everyday for some kind of conversation starter or little thing like a joke or story even if I know the answer or the punch line, I make him talk and tell it in his way. This is after all why we are reconciling right to try and get closer and feel more important to each other?

    You all are awesome and you all have NO idea how everything you say here helps me in my recovery.

    • Strengthrequired March 26, 2013 at 4:10 pm #

      Th, your awesome too. You help us just as much.
      I like how my h laughs at the same movie over and over again, as if h had never seen it before, it’s always the same spots too.
      I always throw little remember when, at him. Just reminders of our life we share.

  11. gizfield March 26, 2013 at 2:54 pm #

    My husband drives a lot for his job, and most of the conversation seems to have taken place while he/she were driving or at work. In other words, boring down time. God, the sacrifice…lol.

    I have a short attention span. I have a few friends I consider excess texters / emailers and they drive me crazy. After about 5 exchanges, I am over it, I just want them to leave me alone. I remember reading a comment on here that someone wishes her husband would text her 500 a day. Shes obviously never been the object of someone’s obsession. I have and trust me it’s not what it’s cracked up to be. That is just immature behavior and definitely not to be desired. At least, I dont like it. I remember my husband used to send me all these jokes when we dated. I didn’t read them, that kind of thing didn’t really interest me. Still doesn’t, so I dont care if he emails me our not. I noticed his girlfriend was always sending jokes, kind of as a way to keep herself in the fore front, I guess. she really is into looking at pictures of people, shopping at Walmart. Smh on that one. I thought I was supposed to be the jealous, insecure one here, lol.

    • Strengthrequired March 26, 2013 at 4:23 pm #

      That’s the thing for me, I don’t know how they could have talked for so long, as I struggle talking to my h for 20min on the phone.
      My h too drives alot, that’s where most of their conversations were, while driving. That why I had to ask my h what’s wrong with us if our conversations can’t be as intriguing as what his and hers were, because it would last unto 2 hours. Then they would still call each other again or message or even see each other the same day. Who’s life Is that exciting…. Surely you run out of conversation, I guess that why my h said she would talk about the same things and keep repeating them.

  12. Monalesia March 27, 2013 at 2:25 pm #

    I guess bitterness has set in for me. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this but…. When I look at my H, I don’t even see the same person any more. I remember how handsome I had always thought he was. In the past I loved the little quirky things he said and his funny jokes. Now when I look at him I see ugly and when he tries to be funny, it makes my skin crawl. I have basically just turned against him as a person. It is ironic that after his affair, he says it made him realize how much he loves me and could have lost me. For me, I have realized that I have lost what I loved about him.

    • tryinghard March 27, 2013 at 2:32 pm #

      Monaleisa

      Actually I looked at my H differently and found how much I really do love him. I see him differently but in a more positive light. Lately however I have been experiencing what you are talking about., I question how on earth he had the nerve at his age to take his clothes off in front of a stranger and then turn around and work with her. Maybe he needs glasses but at his age it isn’t so great to look at and it is best served covered up as I. I look at him and think you pathetic fool! So I guess maybe I am getting some of the creepy crawly feeling???

    • tweet March 27, 2013 at 4:29 pm #

      Oh, Monaleisa – I understand exactly what you’re saying. The things that were so easy to love before the EA are now just triggers. The OW must have also thought that he was charming, fun, etc. Now, that is all lost, and I don’t know how to get it back. I have lost the ability to love him as I once did. The foundation of the love that I had for him before d-day has been destroyed. What do I do about that?

      • Monalesia March 27, 2013 at 8:32 pm #

        Tweet
        I told my counselor that I could never look at him the same. She thought that was somewhat odd??? However, if you have a beautiful vase on your mantel and it crashes onto the floor… You can use glue to put it back together BUT the value of the vase has been ruined and when you look at it, the first thing you will see is the damage….. It can never be what it was before. That is my marriage!

      • Tryinghard March 27, 2013 at 9:43 pm #

        Tweet
        Exactly. We are broken toys. We have the earn to live with other people’s decisions or leave and start a life of our own away from it. You are right on about the facts of our relationships. How the hell did nice girls like us get here.

  13. forcryinoutloud March 27, 2013 at 3:52 pm #

    I had hope for the longest time that our issues could be over come. My H tried enormously hard the first 6 mos. But over the past year and a half he is slowly reverting back to old habits. I feel for the past year I am the only one doing the work and he is hoping I will wake up and completely forget he lied and cheated. So, in a nut shell I am getting resentful. I’m exhausted by this entire ordeal. Probably more so because I moved to timbuktu against protest and better judgement 10 mos. post d-day. I understand why I(we) did this but it was a huge mistake.

    I’ve realized it takes both of you working on it, working on yourself individually, to move forward together. That’s not happening for me so I suppose the bitterness is setting in along with profound sadness that we may or may not make it to the other side together.

    • tryinghard March 27, 2013 at 4:39 pm #

      FCOL

      Here’s the question that I ask myself? Will my life be better with or without him. I’ve seen lots of changes to in my H and he hopes too that there will be a day when it is gone from my memory and life. That day will never come. I maybe can learn to accept it but it will never be gone. If I see my H going back to his old habits and that doesn’t mean cheating, I will leave. I put up with too much disrespect for too long thinking I was being a good wife. That’s over. My belief is until I get myself fixed I will not be any happier or secure without him so given a divorce will ruin a lot more lives than just mine, I am staying for now. I take it day by day. I am thinking I need to go back into therapy because I know I have terrible abandonment issues. I understand your resentment but we need to empower ourselves to keep that monster away. I’m exhausted too and I worry one day I’m going to have a heart attack or stroke from all this stress. You’re a good person that had a shitty thing happen to them, don’t ever forget that. You are too good to let this define you!

      • forcryin'outloud March 28, 2013 at 10:45 am #

        TH – Thanks for the encouragement!!! As you know this journey is a roller coaster. I’m ready for a train ride. 😀

        Like you if this marriage dissolves the reaching impacts will wreck havoc and I’m not prepared to see that happen. So I keep climbing, working, and praying for the sunshine to permanently return to our relationship. My H did tell me recently he is very concerned I will never be happen again in our marriage. I told him I agreed but the unhappiness is deep rooted in the insecurity, mistrust and humiliation of the betrayal. It’s not who I am. At my heart I am a realist, happy, fun-loving, energetic person. I want that person back. I keep asking myself why does it seem so elusive?

  14. Strengthrequired March 28, 2013 at 3:17 am #

    Did you girls ever suffer with that terrible pain in your chest that seemed so heavy and painful, but the pain would ease but still just sit there everyday. The days that you stressed more were the days that seemed to make the pain worse.
    I have had that constant pain for so long, I know it’s from anxiety. Ohh well, I too am waiting just for a heart attack.
    I told my h a while ago. Do you know that you really can die of a broken heart, I felt like I was going to.

    The worse pain ever. I thought losing my babies through miscarriage was bad, but I honestly can say this was far worse.

    We just sold our house, I’m finding that I’m more angry now, because it was our home we started together and now because of his damn ea, we lost it. I’m angry because that damn ow, hasn’t lost a thing. She just took from my family and it makes me so angry.
    I can’t help this today, I feel my h is feeling it too because he seems pretty depressed. Yet he did this, yes sure he was not himself, sure she knew what she was doing and how to manipulate him, but it doesn’t make me not feel so upset and angry right now. Hoping now that we can fix our finances, since the ea, godmi hope something positive happens soon. I would love to see the light again.
    I didn’t think itmwould make as much as a impact on me when we actually did sell our house, but it did. Just another reminder of the hell we have endured, and the huge loss we have faced.
    I’m trying really hard right now to make this a positive step for a new future for my h and myself, a fresh start. Yet it was our home, what right did she have to destroy what we worked so hard for, we were only young when we bought it, we lived in it for 19yrs, so many memories and she ruined it.
    Infeel like shit right now….

  15. Strengthrequired March 28, 2013 at 3:19 am #

    I really hope my h sees now, what she has done…. I too am so worn out, so tired. I’m so over it. I hope hie really finally sees that she wasn’t worth this shit.

  16. dave March 28, 2013 at 9:14 am #

    Stength, Im sorry you lost your home to this. I hope he does see all the pain this has caused you and your family. I will be putting our home on the market soon. It will be a sad day for me and the kids. And I am sure it will be a huge eye opener for my spouse also.

  17. Strengthrequired March 28, 2013 at 12:19 pm #

    Thank you Dave, I wanted to help my h by selling it due to the financial stress I really didn’t want anothee repeat of the ea. Yet my main reason was to help him whether he stayed or not it was to help him. My home didn’t feel like home after the ea, so I wanted to move, so finally he agreed late last year and made that step. Now it just seems that much more real. Another chapter of our lives gone.
    I couldn’t help it and cried on the phone to my h when he called me, he offered to stop the sale, but i said no. I think he felt bad which wasn’t my intention t all, as he didn’t went to talk afterwards, ( he staying the night away from home because of work). He assured me things will get heaps better financially, which I know it will. He has his goal set into place of rebuilding everything. I know him, he sets his mind into something he suceeds. I am worried about my h though, he is just so worn out trying.
    I’m sorry you have to put your house on the market too, I think it will hit you more as it did me when it sells. Yet we have to look at it as though new better memories are going to replace the old memories.

  18. Strengthrequired March 29, 2013 at 4:25 pm #

    I’m not coping very well for the past couple of days. I’m so tired, so worn out emotionally. As if the trauma and the bitterness has resurfaced. Feeling like life just sucks.
    This must be one of those freakish down moments, even though everything seems to be going well, just my stupid head and all the damn thoughts racing around that doesn’t seem to want to leave me alone.
    I know I want my h, but this just sucks. When you want to believe and trust again, and you try, but sometimes it is just si hard. Sometimes I what’s wringnwith me
    Why ammi having difficulty right now?

  19. Strengthrequired March 29, 2013 at 4:26 pm #

    Sorry everyone, I just had to ket it out.

  20. tryinghard March 29, 2013 at 4:36 pm #

    SR

    There are just days like this. I am having a good day today. Two days ago, not so much. I hope your H does something to help you but it sounds like he is still in contact with the OW. This will make it very hard for you to move forward and not have bad days, no matter what excuse he uses for staying in contact with her if you know what I mean? One person cannot fix a marriage. It takes two. I know there are money issues and that’s what keeps him in contact but maybe it’s time you say to hell with the money and move on. We had to do that and it cost a TON of money! Good Luck SR and I hope you have a good Easter.

  21. Strengthrequired March 29, 2013 at 5:00 pm #

    Th, my h has told me he hasn’t been in touch with the ow since January, which was the last time I fou dout about his contact with her and I ready to leave then.
    That’s why it is still in my head, I am trying to believe and was doing a pretty good job at it until the past few days.
    I’ve Lassus trusted him, but I’m just struggling ATM.
    I guess I just wonder at times, because she is always going to be in his life because she is his cousin, so even if he isn’t talking to her etc, there will be a day that they cross paths.
    I have trouble dealing with that. I wonder how to get past that some days.
    How do I get past having his damn family constantly trying to ruin our family, it is like a never ending battle, she has came the closest at accomplishing just that, I always wonder what’s next, who will be next, and will my h be strong enough to handle them. As i just don’t think I will be.

    I don’t think he has been seeing the ow, he hasn’t been fixing himself up to do that, like he used to. That why it is my head playing up and causing me to question everything.

    Thank you, I hope you have a wonderful Easter too.

  22. gizfield March 29, 2013 at 5:28 pm #

    I think I have heard it all now, cheating with his cousin. Part of my disgust with my husband was the low class creature he decided to cheat with but that takes the cake. I’m sorry, I hope I didnt offend you, but ewwwww.

  23. gizfield March 29, 2013 at 5:32 pm #

    I hope you have a wonderful Easter as well, Strengthrequired. :~)

  24. Strengthrequired March 29, 2013 at 6:38 pm #

    Thankfully gizfield it was all ea, not pa, but none the less I hate it. I hate that he let his cousin get that close, yet did the same to him, give him an ear to vent after she told him what a sorry life she had. So he felt sorry for her and wanted to help her out, that’s when she pounced.
    It truly disgusts me. I often think it would be easier if she wasn’t related.

  25. Strengthrequired March 29, 2013 at 6:49 pm #

    I want to wish you a happy Easter too gizfield.

  26. gizfield March 29, 2013 at 6:58 pm #

    Yes, I think that is one thing the cheaters dont really realize, how disgusted we truly are with them. I confronted the skank and she wanted to tell me how ” jealous and insecure” I am. Really???? What the hell does she think SHE is? Cause I can tell you from experience that confident, mature women/men do not date other people’s spouses. They think they are glamorous and cool. I truly wish I had exposed her, so she could find out what people really think of adulterers.

  27. gizfield March 29, 2013 at 6:59 pm #

    Has any one noticed the lady in the picture looks seriously deranged, lol.

    • forcryin'outloud March 29, 2013 at 8:43 pm #

      Lmao! I’ve had those days and hope the OW has had the too!

      • Strengthrequired March 29, 2013 at 8:50 pm #

        She actually looks pretty calm, almost as if she is contemplating what to do to the next victim.

  28. gizfield March 29, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

    Thank you, SR!

  29. Strengthrequired March 29, 2013 at 8:39 pm #

    Lol gizfield, I didn’t really notice. She needed to be in the picture of the cunning ow. Lol

    I was lucky enough to expose my h and the ow at a park one day when my h met her there and a saw them. All the people just stopped and stared as I told everyone how they were dirty disgusting cousins, and I was taking my kids and leaving.

    He left her crying in the park as he came home to stop me from leaving. He told her he wasnt letting his wife leave.
    She turned to him as she was crying and said.
    Yes go run to her, you always run to her.

    Well of course he is going to run to me, I’m the mother of his kids, I’m his wife, your just a dirty sicko cousin that preyed on a decent man and his family to get what you want and was so insecure you had to try and steal a married man.

    Seriously, why can’t they find a man that isn’t already taken.

    Makes me sick….

  30. bellabby March 30, 2013 at 12:47 am #

    Unfortunately, my h will admit he did do something wrong, but denies that he had an EA. He does not think calling 2 women over a 3 year period, calling them on Valentines Day, calling them on Mother’s day (when I asked why he would call them on Mother’s day since they were not his mother nor did they have any children with him, he just said they were Mothers so he called to wish them a good day!) Strangely, these 2 women are best friends and graduated with my h. The EA began after their reunion which he did not want me to attend with him. Now I know why. He also denies that he spoke to the one about sex and was planning to actually meet with her the week I found out about the EAs. I was totally oblivious to what he was doing. Our marriage was very bad at this time, and I did want to separate, but he refused. My h is an alcoholic and he has caused me a tremendous amount of pain and grief because of his drinking but I didn’t realize how much pain I could really experience until I found out about the EAs. We were sleeping in separate bedrooms because I refused to sleep with him when he was drinking, which was all the time. One night I heard him talking to someone on his phone. He was talking about the next time they meet “it will be more than just a hug” and he liked the way her “t_ts felt when she rubbed them against his chest”. But he doesn’t consider that phone sex! I can honestly say that I felt such blind rage I could have really hurt him. We had been married for 35 years, been together since we were in high school. I never ever thought he would cheat on me and do what he did. I did force him to move out which he did. Over the next few weeks I checked all his phone calls as far back as Verizon had the records, which unfortunately was only a year. I did my own spread sheets as well and found out he called them almost three quarters of the time. He spoke to them for hours and hours, something he never did with me even when we were engaged and he was away in the Coast guard. I was so hurt, humiliated, and disgusted that I could barely function. Crying was a daily thing as well as that tightness in my chest. The anxiety was overwhelming. I called one of them when she continued to call him. I didn’t threaten her, but I told her what I thought of her and called her a few choice names, all of which are true. She than had the nerve to email my h a letter trashing me, telling him I emasculated him. (I was able to get into his email account). She told him I was the reason we were losing our house, because I pissed away his money! She neglected to mention that he had been laid off for 23 months. She told him I needed help or I would just get worse! She even had the nerve to say that she must have been his only sane conversations! I guess going after a married man was not considered an issue. And he had the nerve to respond to her that he apologized because she didn’t deserve that bulls__t. This was several days after Christmas 2011 when I had allowed him to come back to the house to celebrate the holiday with our daughter and her family (3 grandkids) and my parents. He told me he wanted to reconcile, but than he apologizes for me! And he NEVER responded to her email by setting her straight on all the lies in her email. He actually spoke to her for 2.5 hours on New years Day! What the hell could they talk about for 2.5 hours. That was the last time he spoke to her that I know about. She continued to deny any inappropriate talk or behavior with him. So did the other one. I guess they think that talking to a married man for hours at a time without his wife’s knowledge was just “friendship”. Both are divorced, the one slut twice. Plus the phone sex one was living with another man while she was having phone sex with a married man!
    My problem is that I seem to be the only one who knows he had an EA. Even my family and friends minimize what he did because he didn’t actually have sex with either of them (or so he says). Everyone thinks I should be over it and move on. After a 10 month separation we did reconcile and are living together. But the anger and bitterness I feel is still overwhelming but no one wants to talk to me about it because I should just let it go and move on. I wish I knew how to do that because I continue to be sad and depressed, and can’t get this out of my head. I was recently diagnosed with an auto immune disease, which the doctors do not know the cause, and I wonder if the past 1.5 years of stress triggered my immune system to go crazy.

  31. PunchingBag April 1, 2013 at 8:07 pm #

    Bitter? I’d say I have my moments now. I think disappointment and distrust are more common. I don’t know that I will ever be able to trust that she won’t go back to her “twin flame”. And the thoughts of such an occurrence generally bring out the bitterness and in no way help our relationship.

    I believe the affair fog has lifted slightly for her but it may be settling on me. If I could harness any of my emotions to help fight through this it would be a wonderful thing. Ultimately I have to find a better mental state and a way to trust her again or our relationship is over. Tough work it is, tough times ahead, but my head is up and I will try until I can try no longer.

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